Chapter XXIX: Some Word Painting on the Subject of the American (2)

The Major, with great ingenuity, replied that he was a representative of the press from New York, and had been to headquarters to interview General Washington as to what he thought his chances were in the coming presidential canvass, and whether he, as an honest man, really considered himself a fit person to be entrusted with an army? and if it were true, as had been represented, that he advocated the introduction of the new breech-loading umbrellas into the army as a military measure? whether he was not afraid of hurting himself with his sword, or putting somebody’s eyes out by the careless habit he had of pointing out beauties in the landscape (see equestrian portraits) with that weapon? also whether he had any chewing tobacco?

However plausibly the Major’s account of himself might strike most people, it failed to satisfy those to whom it was addressed.

They said they had at first merely looked upon him as a suspicious character, but now, by his own confessed connection with the press, they could not regard him in any other light than that of a very dangerous person, to say the least, and they must trouble him to turn his pockets inside out.

With tears in his eyes he took from his pockets an oroide watch, a jackknife, and some Erie railway shares.

“Let me go hence,” he said, in a voice choked with emotion, “and these shall be your guerdons; there is just a guerdon apiece. You can toss up among you for the choice.”

But, although his captors happened to be wealthy capitalists, they declined to add to their means at the expense of honor. They said guerdons were out of their line, and demanded to know if he (the Major) could discern anything of a verdant tinge in their optics. The Major could not for the life of him. One of these low fellows then hinted that he more than suspected the true nature of their (now) prisoner, and he must be investigated, and further, by a very expressive pantomime (catching himself by the throat, opening his eyes very wide, protruding his tongue and breathing hard) tried to convey some idea of what would happen if his suspicions should prove correct.

The gallant Major was never so mortified in his life before. He began to wonder what would ever become of him if these vulgar persons into whose hands he had fallen should really so far misconstrue his conduct as to condemn him for a spy?

* * * * *

He was not kept long in suspense. (See illustration on page 119.)

There is one incident in connection with _André’s_ capture which has always been unaccountably overlooked by other historians, and which if we omitted in this place we should feel that we had not conscientiously discharged our duty.

When Major André found himself a captive he felt that it would be very desirable to communicate with Arnold before their transactions should be made public. He also saw the impossibility of reaching him by telegraph, as that means of correspondence was not to be invented until half a century or more later, and to delay so long as that might be fatal. While casting about for some means of giving warning to his friend, his eye chanced to rest upon a specimen of the canine species of the yellow persuasion belonging to one of his captors, and a ray of hope gleamed in upon his soul.

They had halted for the night, intending to proceed with the prisoner to headquarters next morning, and preparations were being made for supper. An empty tin coffee-pot sat near the fire, and the yellow dog sat near the tin coffee-pot blinking at the fire, his mind evidently absorbed in some abstruse canine problem. By a curious, though perhaps natural association of ideas, the Briton saw here the crude materials for communicating with Arnold ready to his hand.

Pretending to make an entry in his diary he hastily scribbled off these lines:

“Friend Benedict:

Owing to circumstances over which I have no control, I am unable to
take any further steps in that little matter of ours at present; the
boys have in point of fact scooped me. You would have been a better
man in my place. Hoping to meet you in the happy hunting grounds, I
am yours, in limbo,

ANDRÉ.

P.S.—By the way, hadn’t you better drop in upon our mutual friend
General Clinton at New York and remain with him for a few days until
it blows over? I only throw this out as a mere suggestion. Good bye.

A.”

Watching his opportunity when his captors’ backs were turned, the Major slipped this epistle into the coffee-pot, clapped on the lid, and, having diverted the canine’s attention by means of a piece of salt pork, which had been originally laid out for the approaching meal, hastily appended the tin vessel to his caudal extremity, and having with nice precision turned the animal’s nose in the direction of Arnold’s tent, he gave the tail an agonizing twist, and—and the party did without coffee that night.

The yellow dog came duly to hand, and Mr. Arnold was not slow in acting upon the hint contained in the message he brought. With that long-headedness which is the characteristic of the true man of business he anticipated any investigation of his conduct that might follow by resigning and changing his residence at once. We learn that he subsequently went to Europe, but up to the present writing has not yet returned.

_INSTANCE OF CANINE SAGACITY._
]

If any one doubts the incident we have just related about the way in which the news of André’s capture reached Arnold, he has only to narrowly scrutinize our illustration, which treats of the moment when the sagacious quadruped reaches the American lines. With almost human intelligence he overturns the sentinel, who, doubtful of the nature of his business, has challenged his further progress.

For Mr. Arnold’s own sake we regret the imprudent course he pursued to improve the state of his exchequer. It is true his funds were low, and no one can blame him for wanting to make a “raise.” But then he ought to have remembered that there are always honest as well as lucrative pursuits open to the deserving poor involving but small investments; for instance, he might have started a paper, peddled matches, got an appointment in the Cabinet, blacked boots, organized savings banks, or written comic histories.

We are aware that these invaluable suggestions come too late to apply specifically to Mr. Arnold’s case, but we do hope that all who have invested capital in this book will shape their course by the few hints we have here thrown out, and above all remember that the plucking out of even the tail feathers of the American Eagle for commercial purposes is ever attended with risk.

* * * * *

On a more thorough investigation of the subject we learn that Benedict Arnold is dead, and has been for some time; but he lives in American history.

_CHAPTER XXIII._

THE AFFAIRS OF THE REVOLUTION WOUND UP—CORNWALLIS STEPS DOWN AND
OUT.

Cornwallis, commander of the British forces, placed his sword at the disposal of General Washington on the 19th of October, 1781, and took passage on the next steamer for Europe.

The final scene in the history of the war for American liberty is graphically set forth on page 132. It is copied from a group of wax-works illustrative of that event, and is, therefore, warranted reliable.

The war was now virtually over, but it was not until two years later that England signed a quit-claim deed resigning all right and title to its American property.

_SURRENDER OF CORNWALLIS_
]

The Continental army was disbanded, and returning to their homes the soldiers hammered their muskets and things into plowshares and sold them to the farmers. The battle fields were cut up into corner lots, and a season of great prosperity began. Washington was elected President of the young Republic, and gave great satisfaction in that capacity. His second term having expired, he wrote an address of great literary merit and retired to private life at Mount Vernon. He ingeniously forged a little hatchet out of his sword for his little step-son, and taught him how to chop down cherry trees with neatness and dispatch and own up to it afterwards.

_G. W. ENJOYING THE REPOSE OF PRIVATE LIFE._
]

_CHAPTER XXIV._

AN INCIDENT OF THE REVOLUTION.

It is always very noble and all that sort of thing when a nation or individuals sacrifice anything for a principle. Sometimes such sacrifice meets with immediate reward and sometimes the reward is delayed and the parties making the sacrifice have to wait indefinitely for their pay. A little incident which befel an ancestor of ours illustrates both these propositions to some extent, and having a few moments to spare we are tempted to relate it briefly, as follows.

On one memorable occasion, in-pursuance of Washington’s famous order
to place none but Americans on guard, an ancestor of ours was
detailed to guard certain military stores. The missiles of
destruction, it will be noticed, were flying about in a style that
seemed more promiscuous than soothing to a nervous temperament.
]

Accidents will happen in the best regulated families, and it certainly
was no fault of our ancestor that a shell, fired by unprincipled
Britons, struck the military stores aforesaid, destroying them, but,
beyond giving a severe shock to his nervous system, the projectile
did our ancestor no harm as it did not explode.
]

As a reward for his valiant conduct, Washington begged our ancestor to
accept the unexploded shell, which the latter resolved to preserve
as a souvenir of the adventure and hand down to posterity.
]

He carried it with him on many a weary march.
]

’Tis true he found it a serious inconvenience ofttimes.
]

But he remembered posterity and pressed on
]

Here we see him handing the relic down to posterity.
]

In after years posterity handed it over to an obnoxious female
relative, who irreverently used it as a candlestick.
]

On one occasion obnoxious female relative imprudently went to sleep,
allowing the candle to burn low in its socket.
]

Need we say that posterity’s obnoxious female relative got what she
had often given him,—a severe blowing up?
]

_CHAPTER XXV._

THIS HISTORY DABBLES IN POLITICS MUCH AGAINST ITS WISHES—PRELIMINARY
OBSERVATIONS—A CHAPTER OF ACCIDENTS AND PRESIDENTS—“LIVES OF GREAT
MEN ALL REMIND US.”

We have always from childhood’s hour instinctively recoiled from politics, and have thus far managed to keep out of Congress. If with equal success we can manage to keep out of jail for the rest of our natural existence we shall feel that life has not altogether been a failure. (This is what is called genuine broad American humor. If the reader can find nothing in it to excite his risibilities after a reasonable trial his money will be refunded.)

When it first reached the ears of the present Administration through the Librarian of Congress, to whom we applied for a copyright, that we were about to publish a history of our native land, we received per return mail a letter signed by the Administration, asking us if we would accept the appointment of U. S. Minister to the South Sea Islands. This office had just been made vacant by the circumstance of the last incumbent having participated in a public banquet given in honor of his arrival at his consulate, and being himself the principal ingredient of a certain savory _ragout_, his presence there, it would seem, proved fatal, and it was his place which we were invited to supply.

We returned a somewhat evasive answer.

We never voted but once in our life, and that was at a presidential election soon after reaching our majority. We voted for ——, but no matter. To offend party prejudice at this time might be fatal to our hopes. The day after the election we received a bill of two dollars for “poll-tax,” which the collector said we owed and we had better pay or have our body lodged in the county jail until we should call for it, and settle up what was due on it to the State. The unprincipled man had obtained our address from the registry books, and this our first ebullition of patriotism cost us two dollars.

However much inclined we may be by nature and experience to avoid the subject of politics as a rule, it now becomes our duty to make mention of certain exponents of American politics, but whether to their advantage or disadvantage will depend entirely upon the record they have left behind them.

We take it for granted, (you may have noticed that a great deal is taken for granted in this book,) that the reader is already acquainted with the duties of the President of the United States. If not, let him lose no time in reading up on the subject, for we are all liable at any moment to be nominated to the office, and it would be dreadfully mortifying not to know how to go to work.

We have seen in the preceding chapters how liberty was planted on American soil, but the crop must be watched and taken care of, and for this duty the office of PRESIDENT was created. Eighteen different persons have successively undertaken the contract of guarding the crop sown by our forefathers, and in one or two incidents, we regret to say, these have turned out to be mere scarecrows, and sorry ones at that.

This scathing remark is not intended to apply to

GEORGE WASHINGTON,

who, as we have already shown, was the first President of the United States, and who did as well as could be expected for a first attempt. In fact, George did well whatever he undertook to do, and we have no complaint to make in these pages against him.

On page 151 will be found some illustrated particulars concerning this great man’s life, which our readers, young and old, will do well to imitate. The series of silhouettes at the top of the page treat of the Story of the Little Hatchet.

No. 1. Here we see the Grandfather of his Country climbing a cherry tree after cherries.

No. 2. His little son (afterwards Father of his Country) is here seen chopping at said tree with his little hatchet.

No. 3. How should he know that the old man was up said tree, and if so, what business had he up there anyhow?

No. 4. “I’ll let you know,” is what the old gentleman remarked. “I did it with my little hatchet,” roared George as well as he could from his embarrassing position, “but I’ll never do so no more!”

_Advice gratis._ When you chop down cherry trees wait until the old man goes out of town.

No. 5. Gives us a fine view of the site of Washington’s birthplace, and shows what an enterprising man Dr. Binks is.

No. 6. The crop of persons who have missed and otherwise remember Washington is pretty good this year.

No. 7. Here we have a party who does _not_ remember Washington to any great extent. Thinks he has heard the name somewhere.

“O piteous spectacle!”

Washington’s immediate successor was

JOHN ADAMS,

who was inaugurated March 4, 1797. He displayed superior capacity for the position by removing the national capital from Philadelphia to Washington, where it has remained ever since. It was a good riddance for Philadelphia, but rather severe on Washington.

_MR. ADAMS REMOVING THE CAPITOL TO WASHINGTON_
]

Mr. Adams only served one term. He was naturally a little _piqued_ at not being nominated the second time, and retiring to Quincy, Mass., he started an opposition post office, where he passed his declining years.

THOMAS JEFFERSON

was the third President of the United States. He was a gentleman of fine literary attainments, his most popular works being the Declaration of Independence and a humorous poem called “Beautiful Snow.” He wrote the latter during the winter of 1798, (which was the most severe of any within the memory of the oldest inhabitant,) working on it of nights. He served two terms, and in the Spring of 1809 went to work on a farm, where he spent the sunset of his days cultivating potatoes. He said it was easier than being President, and a great deal more respectable.

_Thomas Jefferson destroying potato bugs._
]

JAMES MADISON

next took charge of the helm of State, and very unsettled weather he found it for a new beginner.

During his Administration the country became involved in another war with Great Britain, growing out of certain liberties taken by the latter with American vessels upon the high seas.

Whenever an English man-of-war ran short of hands its commander simply helped himself from the crew of any American merchantman he happened to encounter. James Madison stood it as long as he could, and then declared war. This was called the “War of Twelve,” (afterwards increased to several thousand,) and lasted two years.

Commodore Perry met the enemy on the Erie canal on the 10th of September, 1814, and after a spirited naval battle they were his property.

☞ See illustration.

JAMES MONROE

woke up one fine morning in 1817 and found himself President of the United States. He set his wits to work and invented the “Monroe Doctrine,” a neat and ingenious contrivance for preventing any foreign Power from starting branch houses in America. He got it patented.

_PERRY’S VICTORY ON THE ERIE CANAL._
]

_NOTICE! TRESPASSING ON THESE PREMISES IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN._

_THE MONROE DOCTRINE_
]

Mr. Monroe declined a third term on account of the cry of “Cæsarism” having been raised by a rural journal. On retiring from public life Mr. Monroe entered upon literary pursuits, and wrote some very able dime novels. His master-piece, called “The Poisoned Peanut, or the Ghostly Goblin of the Gory Glen,” has been translated into every language.

JOHN QUINCY ADAMS,

of Massachusetts, next tried on the presidential shoes (1825). Business being dull, Mr. Adams whitewashed the Presidential Mansion, (a barrel of lime having been appropriated by Congress,) since which time it has been known as the White House.

Mr. Adams conducted himself in a gentlemanly manner, kept good hours, and paid his board regularly.

ANDREW JACKSON

was next called to the chair. Mr. Jackson lived chiefly upon hickory nuts, and it was in recognition of this well-known fact that he was affectionately nicknamed “Old Hickory” by his admirers.

_PRESIDENT ADAMS MAKES HIMSELF USEFUL_
]

He sometimes made use of very forcible language, and on more than one occasion was distinctly heard to swear, “by the eternal JINGO, the Constitution must and shall be preserved!”

Mr. Jackson had been elected on the Democratic ticket.

In our illustration Mr. Jackson is seen climbing a shell-bark hickory tree in quest of his favorite luxury. The portrait is striking. The shirt collar especially will be recognized by all who held office under this remarkable man.

_OLD MR: HICKORY._
]

MARTIN VAN BUREN

was inaugurated March 4, 1837. A financial crash, called the panic of ’37, immediately followed, so it is to be feared that Martin was a bad financier. If we had been elected in his stead we would have adopted an entirely different financial policy.

The disastrous results of Van Buren’s Administration are painfully apparent in the illustration on page 166.

HARRISON—TYLER.

William Henry Harrison moved into the White House March 4, 1841. He died just one month after, and Vice-President John Tyler stepped into his shoes. He put his foot in it, however, and astonished the party who had elected him (the Whigs) by his vetoing talents. He rather overdid it in the case of a bill passed by Congress to establish United States banks, and every member of his Cabinet resigned excepting Dan. Webster, who was then too busily engaged on his dictionary to think of making out a resignation.

_HARD TIMES IN ’37_
]

President Tyler was a handsome man but a bad manager.

JAMES K. POLK

was elected on the Democratic ticket, by a large majority, in 1844, and managed to get into a row with Mexico by admitting Texas into the Union soon after his accession to the chair. Mexico set up a frivolous claim to the territory, which, owing to the prompt measures adopted by Mr. Polk, she was unable to establish.

_WEBSTER’S UNABRIDGED DICTIONARY_

_WHY DAN WEBSTER DID NOT RESIGN._
]

The war which followed between the United States and Mexico was short but sanguinary, as the reader will admit on reference to our illustration, which, aside from its historical value, gives those of us who have never served our country an excellent opportunity of seeing how a battle is conducted without incurring any unnecessary risk. Whoever can look upon this fearful scene of carnage without having the cold chills run down his back must be stony hearted indeed. We would not like to board in the same block with such a person. Even as we write we fancy we can smell the sulphuric vapors of burning powder, but that after all may be only the German restaurant below getting dinner ready.

With the exception of certain little eccentricities of character, (hardly worth mentioning,) Mr. Polk proved a very desirable tenant of the White House, and on retiring left it in good repair.

_BIRDS-EYE VIEW OF THE MEXICAN WAR._
]

TAYLOR—FILLMORE.

Zachary Taylor took the White House off Mr. Polk’s hands, but only survived six months.

Vice-President Millard Fillmore succeeded him, and having by accident discovered that there was a good deal of gold secreted about California, recognized the importance of admitting her into the Union lest some foreign Power should take it into its head to carry off the rich territory some dark night. There was special danger to be apprehended from China, which had already begun to make excavations from below. President Fillmore lost no time in taking California in, and many ambitious young gentlemen of culture went there and grew up with the country. In the work of art on page 172, we behold one of the latter journeying toward the setting sun, accompanied by as many of the luxuries of civilization as his limited means of transportation will admit of.

A YOUNG GENTLEMAN OF CULTURE ON HIS WAY TO CALIFORNIA.
]

There seem to be one or two incongruities in this otherwise master-piece which we are at a loss how to reconcile with known laws of science. We allude more particularly to the phenomenon of the sun and moon shining simultaneously. But for the artist’s usual respectful way of treating serious subjects we should be inclined to suspect that he was trifling with our feelings. The worst of it is, the paradox escaped our notice until after the plates had been cast. We hope our artist will be able to explain it away on his return from Rome.

JAMES BUCHANAN

next undertook to fill the vacancy. Nature abhors a vacuum, and generally fills it with wind if it can do no better. Republics sometimes imitate her example, and the election of Mr. Buchanan was a case in point. He was chronically afflicted with “squatter sovereignty,” and spent most of his time in trying to comprehend American politics.

During Buchanan’s Administration John Brown and Sons undertook the contract of exterminating slavery, and as an initial step seized and burned the United States Arsenal at Harper’s Ferry. But the firm failed before the job was half completed.

Mr. Brown’s body now lies mouldering in the grave, but it is due to him to state that his soul goes marching on.

On a previous page will be found John Brown’s soul in the act of marching. Our artist was unable to obtain a very exact sketch as it was getting quite dark.

LINCOLN—JOHNSON.

Abraham Lincoln was next voted into the chair, which reminds us of a little anecdote.

Some years ago an Erie canal boat was weighing anchor in the harbor of New York preparatory to setting sail for Buffalo, when the Captain was hailed by a weary wayfarer, who said he wanted to go to Buffalo, and having no money was willing to work his passage. The heart of the old salt was touched; a tear stole down his weather-beaten cheek, and he allowed the poor man to lead one of the mules on the tow-path all the way to Buffalo.

A “HUNDRED DAYS” MAN PUTTING DOWN THE REBELLION.
]

Abraham Lincoln was willing to work his passage. He earned every cent of his salary, and rendered services to humanity which humanity will not soon forget. Soon after his inauguration, in 1861, the Southern rebellion broke out, which was eventually put down by the “hundred days’ men.” On page 179 will be found some cheerful particulars of the war between the North and South, the more somber details of which we leave to other and abler pens and pencils.

FORT SUMTER FIRED UPON

BATTLE OF BULL RUN

_EMANCIPATION_

A 3 MONTHS MAN WISHING THIS CRUEL WAR WERE OVER

_CAPTURE OF JEFF DAVIS._
]

Vice-President Andrew Johnson succeeded Mr. Lincoln, with somewhat doubtful success. As Mr. Johnson was a tailor by education he seemed to be the man of all others cut out for the place; but his subsequent conduct gave rise to conflicting opinions on this subject. He became the unfortunate proprietor of a “policy”[4] which gave Congress a good deal of trouble. Near the expiration of his official career he got a leave of absence, and “swung around the circle,” (as he himself expressed it,) making speeches in which he compared himself to Andrew Jackson and seriously compromised himself by shamelessly admitting that he had held every office in the gift of the people, from Alderman of his native village to President of the United States.

Footnote 4:

Note.—We have tried in vain to procure a ground plan of this “policy,”
hence we are unable to furnish any illustration to this branch of our
subject.

During Mr. Johnson’s Administration he had more woes on account of Congress

“Than wars or women have.”

Mr. Johnson would gladly have dispensed with Congress. Indeed, on one occasion he made an attempt to impeach that body, but failed by one vote.

Andy was very glad indeed at the expiration of his term to get back to his goose. As far as Congress was concerned the pleasure was mutual.

ULYSSES S. GRANT

was put under bonds to keep the peace March 4, 1869, and has been that way ever since. It is but justice to Mr. Grant to state that we have had good crops during his Administration, which is now drawing to a close. The _New York Herald_ has offered him a third term, but we have information derived from private sources that he intends fulfilling a life-long project of taking a partnership on the _Sun_, which Mr. Dana has kept open for him.

_The Present Incumbent_
]

At the present writing it has not been decided who will succeed Grant in the Executive chair. We cannot permit our name to be used in connection with the approaching canvass for reasons already explicitly stated; besides this is the Centennial year, and we expect to have our hands full.

We have now placed the reader in possession of all the facts worth knowing in connection with the history of America from its very earliest discovery up to ten o’clock last night; but before finally releasing his button-hole we beg to “show him round” a little among our peculiar institutions, and call his attention to a few evidences of national greatness which may never have struck him before.

Let us, then, turn over a new leaf and open a new chapter.

_CHAPTER XXVI._
PROGRESS.

OUR PATENT OFFICE REPORT—IS NECESSITY THE MOTHER OF INVENTION?—A
CASE IN CONTRADICTION—ELECTRICAL KITE—THE COTTON GIN—THE FIRST
RAILWAY TRAIN—THE FIRST STEAMBOAT—THE PRINTING PRESS—THE ATLANTIC
CABLE—MORMONISM—AN APPARATUS—ART MATTERS.

Popular superstition has it that necessity is the mother of invention. We are sorry to deprive the world of an old saying, but we happen to know a person to whom the world is indebted for more useful inventions than any other person of our acquaintance, and her name is Accident. For instance,

_FRANKLIN AND HIS KITE_
]

ELECTRICITY

was accidentally discovered by that famous American statesman and philosopher, Benjamin Franklin, while indulging in his favorite pastime of flying a kite. He ascertained that it was unsafe to fly a kite in a thunder storm unless you have a lightning rod attached to your spinal column. This important discovery conferred upon society the priceless boon of the lightning-rod man.

THE COTTON-GIN

is an American invention, but whether it compares favorably with “Old Tom” or “London Dock” we are unable to say. We do not believe in stimulants as a rule, yet it cannot be denied that the introduction of the new-fangled gin greatly stimulated the cultivation of cotton in America.

_Cotton Gin._
]

THE FIRST RAILWAY TRAIN.

America took the lead in railroad construction, though the locomotive is claimed as an English contrivance.

The first railway train was a somewhat crude affair, but it succeeded in making a sensation. The locomotive was built by Peter Cooper, and he it was who ran the machine on its experimental trip.

The passengers were a surgeon, a chaplain, an editor, (names forgotten,) John Smith, and another fellow, (all dead-heads.) Mr. Cooper poked the fire, the other fellow pushed behind, while John Smith urbanely acted as cow-catcher. The clergyman rode in the smoking-car and meditated on the probabilities of ever seeing his family again this side of Jordan. The editor went to sleep, while the doctor sat behind ready to jump out and save himself in case of accident.

_THE FIRST RAILWAY TRAIN_
]

After a delightful excursion of fifty miles or so into the country the party returned home—afoot.

THE FIRST STEAMBOAT

was discovered by Robert Fulton September 4th, 1807. Our special artist was promptly on the spot, and we are thus enabled to lay before our readers all that is worth knowing of this event in the picture opposite.

THE TEN-CYLINDER PRINTING PRESS.

Newspapers have become a household necessity in every well-regulated American family. They mould public opinion, and are handy to light fires with. The universal use of newspapers gave rise to the ten-cylinder printing press, an American invention.

_THE FIRST STEAM BOAT—FASTEST TIME ON RECORD._
]

The publication of a daily newspaper is one of the most lucrative professions of the day, and we strongly advise our American youth to abandon all idea of ever becoming President, and save up all their pennies to start newspapers with when they grow up. An ably-conducted daily newspaper brings from two and a half to three cents per pound at the junk dealers, when times are good. On page 193 are some illustrated features of a well-conducted newspaper office. The central picture is full of tender pathos. The editor and proprietor (evidently a man of slender means) is seen working off his edition, assisted by his near relatives. Each individual, from the proud wife and doting mother to the infant at her breast, seems to attach weight to the enterprise with a degree of enthusiasm that ought to encourage any man.

_THE PRESS ROOM._

_BUSINESS DEPARTMENT._

_FIGHTING EDITOR._
]

THE ATLANTIC CABLE.

The Electro-Magnetic Submarine Trans-Atlantic Anglo-American Telegraph Cable is, perhaps, the most wonderful of all Yankee notions. By its agency our great morning dailies are able to get the most unreliable foreign news at the low rate of ten dollars per word. The only wonder is how people on both sides of the water ever got on so long without the cable.

On page 195 is a picture representing the submarine cable, for which we cannot help suspecting the artist has drawn largely on his imagination.

_THE ATLANTIC CABLE._
]

MORMONISM

is of doubtful origin. Some authorities give the credit of its invention to Joseph Smith, while others do not hesitate to ascribe its origin to a gentleman whom the mind naturally associates with sulphuric gases. However that may be, Mormonism is one of the institutions of the country, and Brigham Young is its prophet, his present address being Salt Lake City, Utah.

Mr. Young makes a specialty of matrimony, and has taken strict precautions to guard against widowhood, as will be seen by reference to our illustration, in which are seen Mr. and Mrs. Young on their bridal tour.

MR. AND MRS. BRIGHAM YOUNG.
]

Brigham makes it a point of etiquette to marry every unmarried lady to whom he happens to be introduced, and his life is a perennial honeymoon. To the merely Gentile man, whose matrimonial experience has been conducted on monogamic principles, the hardihood of Mr. Young is simply appalling.

AN APPARATUS

to keep hens from setting is an effervescence of the fertile brain of, well, no matter who. It speaks for itself.

For further information on the interesting subject of Yankee ingenuity we commend the reader’s careful perusal of the United States Patent Office Report, a work unequaled for the brilliancy of its conception and startling dramatic situations, and which, for its conscientious adhesion to facts, only has a rival in the present work.

_AN INGENIOUS INVENTION._
]

ART MATTERS.

The visitor to the Capitol, at Washington, will be struck with the paucity of American art, as evinced by the specimens of painting and sculpture to be seen in the Rotunda and immediate vicinity of that structure. Barrels of paint and whole quarries of marble have been sacrificed by an inscrutable Congress, whose sole object seems to have been to frighten its constituency away from the scene of its dark plottings with grotesque Washingtons, fantastic Lincolns, thinly-clad Indian ladies, and unprincipled looking Puritans. Some meritorious works of art, however, have lately found their way to the Capitol by accident, but let us have more of them. We humbly submit a few designs for equestrian statuary, which only await a misappropriation by Congress, as follows:

PLATE I.—Statue for a great American military hero who always kept his
face to the foe.
]

PLATE II.—Is for another great military hero (a member of militia) who
would have kept his face to the foe if circumstances had been
favorable.
]

PLATE III.—Equestrian statue of a public gentleman who kept his face
wherever it suited his convenience.
]

PLATE IV.—A statue (also equestrian) for a great politician of foreign
origin who rose from humble beginnings to great achievements.
]

_CHAPTER XXVII._

SOME ABORIGINAL IDEAS—WISE MEN AT WORK—MOUND BUILDING FROM FORCE OF
HABIT—SUBTERRANEAN MISCELLANY—THE LOST TRIBE THEORY WON’T
DO—AUTOGRAPH SPECIMEN OF PICTURE WRITING—LIGHT AT LAST—PICTURESQUE
HABITS OF THE INDIANS.

The origin of the North American Indian has always been shrouded in the deepest mystery, and wise-heads of every age and clime have sought to tear aside the veil and show us our aboriginal brother in his true colors.

Some of these learned gentlemen have carried their zeal to the extent of renting wigwams in the Indian country, and living among these primitive children of the forest, hoping, by dint of listening at key-holes, to overhear some remark dropped by them that would reveal where they emigrated from, but nothing came of it but premature baldness to the wise-head so investigating. Others again have comfortably settled down into the belief that these singular members of society are a revised edition of the strayed or stolen tribes of Israel that have so long been advertised for in vain.

In support of this theory the latter class of philosophers has dived into side hills, (supposed to have been thrown up by an eccentric race of Indians known as mound builders,) turning up every conceivable article of second-hand Indian miscellany, and asking the world to believe that these mysterious “mounds” were simply subterraneous pawnbroker’s shops, built and conducted in obedience to a well-known national instinct, and that the articles they contain are nothing more nor less than unredeemed pledges “left” by impecunious prehistoric ladies and gentlemen who were compelled to resort to that means of raising the wind.

On page 209 our artist shows us the exponents of the latter theory at work, and also gives us a singularly correct drawing of some of the bric-a-brac which they have unearthed. We will take the liberty of explaining further, and tell all we know concerning the supposed uses of these mysterious articles.

A is supposed to be a surgical instrument. B, an instrument of torture. C, toilet article. D, lady’s ear ornament. E, ancient drinking vessel. F, tombstone, with inscription. G, pottery. H, musical instrument. I, skull of native (deceased).

_MEN OF SCIENCE “WORKING” A MOUND._
]

In the lower series we have: No. 1, artist’s utensil. 2, uses unknown to the author. 3, patent hen’s nest (badly out of repair). 4, vinaigrette. 5, projectile. 6, bracelet. 7, war club. 8, burglar’s tool (very ancient). 9, cooking utensil.

After going carefully over this array of evidence one naturally hesitates before looking further for a theory. But, taking for granted that the Indians really are a remnant of those mislaid Israelites, the difficulty next arises as to how the dickens they got here, for when the Israelites were first missed there was as yet no railway communication between this country and Asia, and unless they tunneled their way up through, _via_ China, it is difficult to account for their presence here.

In common with other great minds, we, too, have devoted much of our spare time to the effort of setting our red brother on his legs before the world, and of tracing his footprints back through the ages, but until quite recently we have been uniformly baffled. The fact is, our red brother ought really to have kept a diary. He would thus have saved us wise-acres much trouble and unnecessary expense. The next time we hope he will not overlook this important detail.

As we said, all our efforts to trace the Indians back to their origin had failed until recently. We rejected the “remnant” theory after a fair trial. We compared this remnant with the original piece (so claimed), and found it a bad match. In the face of strong evidence we renewed our efforts, which were destined to meet with reward, as will be seen presently.

A month or two since it luckily occurred to us to address a letter to a skillful sachem, (who happens to be an acquaintance of ours, and is at present located out West,) upon this interesting subject.

This gentleman, who is of the Choctaw persuasion, and was christened _Gimmechawtybackee_, (_Billious Jake_,) sent us a most courteous and comprehensive reply, which came to hand a few days since, and which covers the whole ground in the most lucid manner. We wonder we never thought of it before.

_THE SACHEM’S LETTER._
]

We here insert _Billious Jake’s_ letter _verbatim_. It is a master-piece of composition, and sets the matter forever at rest. (_Daily papers please copy._)

Before changing the subject, we should really like to pictorially look into the habits of these strange victims of circumstances. Examine page 214, if you please. In No. 1 we see a stony-hearted savage taking a very mean advantage of a white captive, and torturing him to death in the most horrible and deliberate manner. No. 2, an early settler pursued by a native. No. 3, Indian barber. And lastly, in No. 4, we have an Indian gentleman journeying towards the setting sun on dead-head principles.

“His faithful dog shall bear him company.”—CAMPBELL.

_CHAPTER XXVIII._

AMERICAN SCENERY.

Few countries can boast such a variety of natural features as our own America.

To the intelligent tourist of unlimited bank account this country affords abundant material for the study of nature with all the modern improvements, including gas, hot and cold water, and an elevator running every five minutes up to the fifteenth floor. Terms invariably in advance.

Our illustration on the opposite page conveys but a feeble idea of the magnitude of some of the wonderful freaks of nature which the tourist “doing” American is liable at any moment to stumble upon.

1. _MAMMOTH CAVE KY._

2. _NATURAL BRIDGE VA._

3. _STREET SCENE._

4. _PRAIRIE SCENE._

5. _THE MAJESTY AND BEAUTY OF NIAGARA._

_AMERICAN SCENERY_
]

In No. 1 we have the Mammoth Cave. It takes its name from the gentleman upon whose property it is located, and who uses it as a sub-cellar in Winter, and locks himself up in it during the tax-gathering season. Our illustration treats of the latter period. The Natural Bridge (No. 2) is a marvel of architecture, and is lavishly decorated with appropriate inscriptions. No. 3 hardly comes under the head of _Natural Scenery_, and would appear to be rather a sudden change from the sweet realms of nature to the busy haunts of men; but contrast is everything, and we turn from this turbulent scene to one of delicious repose. No. 4, a Western prairie. Here the eye wanders off over a rich and varied landscape of level country, till finally in the distance it encounters what? a vast spider? No. That is only the setting sun, as we ascertained in a private conversation with the artist. No. 5. We hardly know how to treat this matter. In writing about Niagara it is customary to either rush madly into poetry or break hysterically into exclamation points. We had heard a great deal about the awful majesty of Niagara Falls, and went there to obtain, if possible, a personal interview, intending to write it up in a style that would bankrupt our printer. We say we went there expecting much, but we found that the half had not been told us. If it had, we should have remained at home. Perhaps the least said about it the better.

_CHAPTER XXIX._

SOME WORD PAINTING ON THE SUBJECT OF THE AMERICAN EAGLE—THE AFFAIRS
OF THIS STRANGE EVENTFUL HISTORY WOUND UP.

A work of this nature would be incomplete without some slight allusion to the American Eagle. With reference to that ornithological specimen, we may remark that the first century of his career has been an eventful one. His wings have from time to time been cropped by foreign foes in a style that has made it unnecessary as well as impossible to scorch them against the sun. His tail feathers have been extracted by internecine strife in a manner that has made it extremely difficult for him to steer his majestic course amid the blue ether of Freedom, and his flight at times has been awkward and eccentric in the extreme. In short, the plumage has been plucked from various parts of his body by divers evil-disposed persons to such an extent as to make aerial navigation in a rarefied atmosphere an uncomfortable, not to say highly injurious pursuit.

_PORTRAIT OF THE AMERICAN EAGLE._
]

Notwithstanding all this we feel authorized to inform the public that our national fowl is as tough as a boarding-house spring chicken; that he will continue to roost at his present address until further notice, spreading his wings from the Atlantic to the Pacific, beneath the shadow of which all persons of good character are invited to come (references exchanged). Here every one, from the peon to the prince, if not satisfied with his present situation, can find a refuge, and by strict attention to business become an Alderman of somebody else’s native village and have canal boats named after him, or, (by _very_ strict attention to business) even rise to be President[5] of the United States!

Footnote 5:

NOTE—Since the above piece of rhetoric went to press we have
ascertained (quite accidentally) that persons are not eligible to this
office who have the misfortune to be born abroad. Therefore we hastily
append this postscript lest any unsuspecting peon or prince who might
chance to read these pages be inveigled over here under a
misapprehension. If he comes now it must be on his own responsibility.

THE END.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

1876. 1876.

NEW BOOKS
AND NEW EDITIONS,
RECENTLY ISSUED BY

G. W. CARLETON & CO., Publishers,

_Madison Square, New York_.

The Publishers, upon receipt of the price in advance, will send any book
on this Catalogue by mail, _postage free_, to any part of the United
States.

All books in this list [unless otherwise specified] are handsomely bound
in cloth board binding, with gilt backs, suitable for libraries.

=Mrs. Mary J. Holmes’ Works.=

Tempest and Sunshine $1 50

English Orphans 1 50

Homestead on the Hillside 1 50

’Lena Rivers 1 50

Meadow Brook 1 50

Dora Deane 1 50

Cousin Maude 1 50

Marian Grey 1 50

Edith Lyle (New) 1 50

Darkness and Daylight 1 50

Hugh Worthington 1 50

Cameron Pride 1 50

Rose Mather 1 50

Ethelyn’s Mistake 1 50

Millbank 1 50

Edna Browning 1 50

West Lawn (New) 1 50

=Marion Harland’s Works.=

Alone $1 50

Hidden Path 1 50

Moss Side 1 50

Nemesis 1 50

Miriam 1 50

At Last 1 50

Helen Gardner 1 50

True as Steel (New) 1 50

Sunnybank 1 50

Husbands and Homes 1 50

Ruby’s Husband 1 50

Phemie’s Temptation 1 50

The Empty Heart 1 50

Jessamine 1 50

From My Youth Up 1 50

My Little Love (New) 1 50

=Charles Dickens—15 Vols.—“Carleton’s Edition.”=

Pickwick, and Catalogue $1 50

Dombey and Son 1 50

Bleak House 1 50

Martin Chuzzlewit 1 50

Barnaby Rudge—Edwin Drood 1 50

Child’s England—Miscellaneous 1 50

David Copperfield 1 50

Nicholas Nickleby 1 50

Little Dorrit 1 50

Our Mutual Friend 1 50

Curiosity Shop—Miscellaneous 1 50

Sketches by Boz—Hard Times 1 50

Oliver Twist—and—The Uncommercial Traveler 1 50

Great Expectations—and—Pictures of Italy and America 1 50

Christmas Books—and—A Tale of Two Cities 1 50

Sets of Dickens’ Complete Works, in 15 vols.—[elegant half calf
bindings]. 60 00

=Augusta J. Evans’ Novels.=

Beulah $1 75

Macaria 1 75

Inez 1 75

St. Elmo 2 00

Vashti 2 00

Infelice (New) 2 00

=Miriam Coles Harris.=

Rutledge. $1 50

Frank Warrington. 1 50

Louie’s Last Term, etc. 1 50

Richard Vandermarck. 1 50

The Sutherlands. 1 50

St. Philip’s. 1 50

Round Hearts, for Children. 1 50

A Perfect Adonis. (New) 1 50

=May Agnes Fleming’s Novels.=

Guy Earlscourt’s Wife. $1 75

A Terrible Secret. 1 75

Norine’s Revenge. 1 75

A New Book. 1 75

A Wonderful Woman. 1 75

A Mad Marriage. 1 75

One Night’s Mystery. (New) 1 75

=Grace Mortimer.=

The Two Barbaras.—A novel. $1 50

Bosom Foes. (In press) 1 50

=Julie P. Smith’s Novels.=

Widow Goldsmith’s Daughter. $1 75

Chris and Otho. 1 75

Ten Old Maids. 1 75

His Young Wife. (New) 1 75

The Widower. 1 75

The Married Belle. 1 75

Courting and Farming. 1 75

=Captain Mayne Reid—Illustrated.=

The Scalp Hunters. $1 50

The Rifle Rangers. 1 50

The War Trail. 1 50

The Wood Rangers. 1 50

The Wild Huntress. 1 50

The White Chief. 1 50

The Tiger Hunter. 1 50

The Hunter’s Feast. 1 50

Wild Life. 1 50

Osceola, the Seminole. 1 50

=A. S. Roe’s Select Stories.=

True to the Last. $1 50

The Star and the Cloud. 1 50

How Could He Help It? 1 50

A Long Look Ahead. 1 50

I’ve Been Thinking. 1 50

To Love and to be Loved. 1 50

=Charles Dickens.=

Child’s History of England.—Carleton’s New “_School Edition_.”
Illustrated $1 25

=Hand-Books of Society.=

Habits of Good Society.—The nice points of taste and good
manners. $1 50

Art of Conversation.—For those who wish to be agreeable talkers
or listeners 1 50

Arts of Writing, Reading, and Speaking.—For self-improvement 1 50

New Diamond Edition.—Small size, elegantly bound, 3 volumes in a
box 3 00

=Mrs. Hill’s Cook Book.=

Mrs. A. P. Hill’s New Cookery Book, and family domestic receipts. $2 00

=Famous Books—“Carleton’s Edition.”=

Robinson Crusoe.—New 12mo edition, with illustrations by Ernest
Griset $1 50

Swiss Family Robinson.—New 12mo edition, with illustrations by
Marckl 1 50

The Arabian Nights.—New 12mo edition, with illustrations by
Demoraine 1 50

Don Quixote.—New 12mo edition, with illustrations by Gustave Doré 1 50

=Victor Hugo.=

Les Miserables.—An English translation from the original French.
Octavo $2 50

Les Miserables.—In the Spanish Language. Two volumes, cloth bound 5 00

=Popular Italian Novels.=

Doctor Antonio.—A love story of Italy. By Ruffini $1 75

Beatrice Cenci.—By Guerrazzi. With a steel engraving from Guido’s
Picture 1 75

=M. Michelet’s Remarkable Works.=

Love (L’amour).—English translation from the original French $1 50

Woman (La Femme).—Do. Do. Do. 1 50

=Joaquin Miller.=

The One Fair Woman.—A new novel, the scene laid chiefly in Italy $2 00

=Joseph Rodman Drake.=

The Culprit Fay.—The well-known fairy poem, with 100
illustrations $2 00

=Artemus Ward’s Comic Works.=

A New Stereotype Edition.—Embracing the whole of his writings,
with a Biography of the author, and profusely illustrated by
various artists $2 00

=Josh Billings.=

A New Stereotype Edition of the complete writings of Josh
Billings. Four vols. in one, with Biography, steel portrait,
and 100 comic illustrations $2 00

=Bessie Turner.=

A Woman in the Case.—A new novel, with photographic portrait of
author $1 50

=Wm. P. Talboys.=

West India Pickles.—Journal of a Winter Yacht Cruise, with
illustrations $1 50

=Dr. A. K. Gardner.=

Our Children.—A Hand-book for the Instruction of Parents and
Guardians $2 00

=C. H. Webb (John Paul).=

Parodies and Poems. $1 50

My Vacation.—Sea and Shore 1 50

=Livingston Hopkins.=

Comic Centennial History of the United States.—Profusely
illustrated $1 50

=Allan Pinkerton.=

The Model Town, etc. $1 50

A New Book. (In Press) 1. 50

=Mrs. M. V. Victor.=

Passing the Portal.—A new story $1 50

A New Book. (In press) 1 50

=Ernest Renan’s French Works.=

The Life of Jesus. $1. 75

Lives of the Apostles. 1 75

The Life of St. Paul. 1 75

The Bible in India.—By Jacolliot 2 00

=Geo. W. Carlton.=

Our Artist in Cuba.—Pictures $1 50

Our Artist in Peru. Do. 1 50

Our Artist in Africa. (In press) 1 50

Our Artist in Mexico. Do. 1 50

=Verdant Green.=

A racy English college story—with numerous original comic
illustrations. $1 50

=Algernon Charles Swinburne.=

Laus Veneris, and Other Poems.—An elegant new edition, on tinted
paper $1 50

French Love-Songs.—Selected from the best French authors 1 50

=Robert Dale Owen.=

The Debatable Land Between this World and the Next. $2 00

Threading My Way.—Twenty-five years of Autobiography 1 50

=The Game of Whist.=

Pole on Whist.—The late English standard work. New enlarged
edition $1 00

=Mother Goose Set to Music.=

Mother Goose Melodies.—With music for singing, and many
illustrations. $1 50

=M. M. Pomeroy (“Brick.”)=

Sense—(a serious book). $1 50

Gold-Dust Do. 1 50

Our Saturday Nights. 1 50

Nonsense—(a comic book). 1 50

Brick-Dust Do 1 50

Home Harmonies. (In press) 1 50

=Celia E. Gardner’s Novels.=

Stolen Waters—(in verse). $1 50

Broken Dreams Do. 1 50

A New Novel. (In press) 1 50

Tested (in prose). 1 75

Rich Medway’s Two Loves. Do. 1 75

=Mrs. N. S. Emerson.=

Betsey and I are Out.—Poems. $1 50

Little Folks’ Letters.—Prose 1 50

=Louisa M. Alcott.=

Morning Glories—A beautiful child’s book, by the author of
“Little Women.” $1 50

=Geo. A. Crofutt.=

Trans-Continental Tourist from New York to San
Francisco.—Illustrated $1 50

=Miscellaneous Works.=

Johnny Ludlow.—A collection of entertaining English stories $1 50

Glimpses of the Supernatural.—Facts, Records, and Traditions 2 00

Fanny Fern Memorials.—With a Biography by James Parton 2 00

How to Make Money; and How to Keep It.—By Thomas A. Davies 1 50

Tales from the Operas.—A collection of Stories based upon the
opera plots 1 50

New Nonsense Rhymes.—By W. H. Beckett, with illustrations by C.
G. Bush 1 00

Wood’s Guide to the City of New York.—Beautifully illustrated 1 00

The Art of Amusing.—A book of home amusements, with illustrations 1 50

A Book About Lawyers.—A curious and interesting volume. By
Jefferson 2 00

A Book About Doctors. Do. Do. Do. 2 00

The Birth and Triumph of Love.—Full of exquisite tinted
illustrations 1 00

Progressive Petticoats.—A satirical tale by Robert B. Roosevelt 1 50

Ecce Femina; or, the Woman Zoe.—Cuyler Pine, author “Mary
Brandegee.” 1 50

Souvenirs of Travel.—By Madame Octavia Walton Le Vert 2 00

Woman, Love and Marriage.—A spicy little work by Fred Saunders 1 50

Shiftless Folks.—A brilliant new novel by Fannie Smith 1 75

A Woman in Armor.—A powerful new novel by Mary Hartwell 1 50

The Fall of Man.—A Darwinian satire. Author of “New Gospel of
Peace.” 50

The Chronicles of Gotham.—A modern satire. Do. Do. 25

The Story of a Summer.—Journal Leaves by Cecelia Cleveland 1 50

Phemie Frost’s Experiences.—By Mrs Ann S. Stephens 1 75

Bill Arp’s Peace Papers.—Full of comic illustrations 1 50

A Book of Epitaphs.—Amusing, quaint, and curious (New) 1 50

Ballad of Lord Bateman.—With illustrations by Cruikshank, (paper) 25

The Yachtman’s Primer.—For amateur sailors. T. R. Warren, (paper) 50

Rural Architecture.—By M. Field. With plans and illustrations 2 00

What I Know of Farming.—By Horace Greely 1 50

Transformation Scenes in the United States.—By Hiram Fuller 1 50

Marguerite’s Journal.—Story for girls. Introduction by author
“Rutledge.” 1 50

Kingsbury Sketches.—Pine Grove doings, by John H. Kinsbury.
Illustrated 1 50

=Miscellaneous Novels.=

Led Astray.—By Octave Feuillet $1 75

She Loved Him Madly.—Borys 1 75

Through Thick and Thin.—Mery 1 75

So Fair Yet False.—Chavette 1 75

A Fatal Passion.—Bomard 1 75

Manfred.—F. D. Guerazzi 1 75

Seen and Unseen. 1 50

Purple and Fine Linen.—Fawcett 1 75

Asses’ Ears. Do. 1 75

A Charming Widow.—Macquoid 1 75

True to Him Ever.—By F. W. R. 1 50

The Forgiving Kiss.—By M. Loth 1 75

Loyal Unto Death. 1 75

Kenneth, My King.—S. A Brock 1 75