Chapter XXII: The Ambitions of Chops Junior

'To--run--away--Miss Lotty?' Chops was gasping. 'Miss Lotty, did ye say--run--away?'

'Oh yes, Chops, I fear I had to say--run away. But you won't tell anybody ever, will you?'

'Never, never, never,' said Chops with curious solemnity.

'Because, you know, Chops, I've always told you everything, and I dare not go away without telling you this. Mary is good, and so is Skeleton; but they would try to argue me out of going, and if _he_ knew he would kill me I think.'

'Miss Lotty, who is '_e_?'

'Mr Biffins Lee,' said Lotty quietly, sadly, with her eyes turned towards the stars, but seeing them not.

'Yer _father_, Miss Lotty?'

'The man who says he is my father,' she said slowly and deliberately. Then, 'Oh Chops, there is a mystery, a strange, strange mystery that I must not even tell you yet. But Crona knows it all.'

'Mustn't--tell--me yet? Ye said "yet," didn't ye, Miss Lotty?'

'I said "yet."'

'But then some day I'll know, won't I? So I'll live in 'opes o' that some day. An' some day,' this queer boy went on, 'some day summat helse be agoin' to 'appen. Ye know the song, Miss Lotty, "'E never told 'is love"? Well, that's me. An' I'm goin' to be honest an' straight with ye as ever was. An' till the day w'en by savin' an' savin' I makes a bit o' money, an' is old enough to lead ye to the halter, I'm goin' to be a helder brother to ye. So 'elp me, Billy-o.'

Who Billy-o was it would be difficult to say; but Chops's adjuration certainly sounded a strong one. But evidently the lad liked Lotty very much, and it would be wrong to laugh at love even in the crude.

Chops was silent for a time.

Wallace was lying down perilously close to the edge of the cliff--so close, indeed, that Lotty feared to call him lest he should miss his foothold and tumble over to destruction. But it was only the dog's way, and he was perfectly safe.

But Lotty's newly constituted elder brother broke the silence at last.

'Miss Lotty,' he said, 'Chops, yer friend, will neither give sleep to 'is heyes nor slumber to 'is heyelids until 'e 'as prayed hover an' thought hall about the scheme for runnin' away. If so be,' he added, 'that it seems best for ye, Chops will tell ye to-morrer mornin' has ever was. No more at present from yours truly till death do us part--Chops junior.'

Wallace had drawn away from the cliff, much to Lotty's relief, and come forward as if to listen to the conversation.

'Oh, Chops, by the way,' said the girl, 'you said Chops junior. I've been often going to ask you had you ever, _ever_ a father, Chops?'

'Wot then, Miss Lotty? Think I 'ad two mothers hinstead? Or that baby Chops floated ashore on a 'urdle? My father, Miss Lotty, is a jobbin' gardener, as does hodd jobs in 'Ighgate 'Eath, as good a man, t'old pa'son says, has hever drew the breath o' life on a Monday mornin'.'

'And your mother, Chops?'

'Does laundryin'. 'As a sweet little cottage--three rooms an' a hattic, a porch afore the door, nice little garden, an' a nice wash'ouse behind. Oh! my people be swells in a way, Miss Lotty.'

'Any brothers or sisters, Chops?'

'Just one bit o' a sister o' ten, Miss Lotty, an' she be a girl like. There is no boys to be brothers. As sharp's they makes 'em Mariar is. W'en not at school she runs herrands, goes for poor father's 'arf pint o' cold fourpenny, an' takes the washin' 'ome o' Saturday nights to the haristocracy.'

'Chops, why didn't you ever tell me all this before?'

‘’Cause, Miss Lotty, t' old pa'son says to me, "Chops," 'e says, "it's allers manners to wait till you're haxed."'

'Highgate Heath, Chops--is that a nice part?'

'W'ich it's puffikly lovely, an' wot they calls a charmin' locality, an' freekwented mostly by the hupper-ten.'

After a pause, Lotty put her hand on her companion's shoulder.

'Chops!'

'That's me, Miss Lotty.'

'Did your mother ever take a lodger?'

'No, little sister--but--but'----

Then at that moment Chops began to dance and to caper so wildly there in the starlight that Wallace was forced to back astern to bark at him.

'I 'ave it, Miss Lotty. Lor' love ye, I've got it!' he cried. 'Wonder it didn't strike me at onct.' Then he lowered his voice to almost a whisper. 'If so be as ye does run away, Lotty, an' does get as far as Lunnon town, my dear, it's straight to 'Ighgate 'Eath ye goes, to the 'ouse o' my parents, an' lodge there as 'appy as a May Queen till ye gets summat to do.'

'Oh,' said Lotty, 'this is so very kind of you, Chops. I hope I'll be able to thank you some day, Chops--some day.'

'W'en I leads ye to the halt'----

Lotty put her little hand on his mouth. 'You shall always be my friend, won't you?'

'Oh lor', wot a question to hax!'

'But if I go to London--if I get to London--I'll be sure to call on your parents at Highgate Heath. Then, Chops'---- she said somewhat anxiously.

'Me again?' said Chops.

'Does my father--does Mr Lee--know your parents, or know where they live? Did he meet you there first?'

'Miss Lotty, Biffins Lee, the man as was yer father, but ain't now no more, doesn't know nuffin', an' I wouldn't go for to trust 'im not the valuedom of a tin whistle. Biffins Lee picked me up at a penny gaff, w'ere I were a hactin' the horphan chee-ild.'

'Well,' said Lotty, thoughtfully but cheerfully, 'I think if I went to your mother's cottage till I got teaching or something, I would be very happy.'

This somewhat adipose lad had a very good-humoured face and a kindly eye; but he could have struck no one as being a devotee at the histrionic shrine. Yet, nevertheless, his one ambition was to become some day a tragedian, and strut the boards, perhaps even as Othello himself. At this very moment he must strike an attitude, and with arm uplifted towards the eastern stars give voice as follows:

'The lot in life o' this poor son o' toil 'as not been a joyful one 'itherto. Torn from the harms o' 'is weepin' parents at a hearly age, 'e was attached to the great conglomeration o' Biffins Lee. Though fed like a queen-bee in order that 'e might take the part of Roly Poly in the Christmas pant., or 'Umpty Dumpty on the Wall, with every bite 'e got to heat 'e received a buffet, an' on the cold, cold ground on w'ich 'e slept tears used to chase each other hover 'is face as large as limpet-shells.

'But who would pity the sorrows o' the poor fat boy? No heye was bedewed with tears to see 'im rolled across the stage as the livin' football, carried in a net as a string o' honions, trussed an' carried in a tray with carrots an' turmots on a baker's 'ead to represent "ye first-prize Christmas goose." An' no one wept w'en 'e was placed on the table to be carved by Prince de Gourmand--no, not w'en 'e swore 'e was old an' tough, an' then threw 'im at the 'ead o' the pantaloon. I've been a roast suckin'-pig with brown gravy, I've been a turkey with sassingers, I've been a pigeon-pie with my 'ead an' my toes a-stickin' through the crust, an' I've figured as cold side-dish at the board o' the King o' the Cannibul-high-lows. An' against these indignities my proud soul 'as burned within me, an' I kept silence honly because somefin allers told me my day would one day come. An' I see it now a-comin'. I see a glorious vista openin' up before my mental heyes o' triumph hafter triumph as Hengland's greatest tragedian.

'An', Miss Lotty,' he said, coming down to the terrestrial, 'if ye goes to Lunnon, who knows but what Chops junior will follow ye, an' in the fullness o' time strut the stage as a star o' the fust magnitude?'

'Don't you think, Chops, it is time we went to camp to dinner now?'

Next day--because it was after the 'fast,' and everybody in the parish had been to church--was a great one in the camp of the Queerest Show on Earth. Bruin danced his very drollest, the Skeleton performed the most wonderful tricks. The dreaded dooroocoolie, it was said, had got loose; there was the most fearsome roaring, and the struggle in surrounding it once more with its clanking chains was more dreadful than the battle of St George and the ten-clawed Dragon. But the performances of Lotty Lee were encored till the poor child was well-nigh tired to death. Then the whole strength of the band discoursed the sweetest selection while the limelights were turned on the merman's tank.

The astonished rustics gaped with dread and with curiosity when Biffins Lee, stepping forward, announced to the ladies and gentlemen that to-night they would see something that they would not only marvel at, but remember as long as their toes held together on the face of the earth. The merman, it was said, expected his daughter early next week, the real live and beautiful mermaiden who had been seen afloat in Partan Bay; and so her father to-night had determined to have a great spring cleaning of his cave. The public were requested to inspect for themselves; and, sure enough, there was the merman in all his hideous ugliness asleep in the corner of the tank. Then Biffins waved the audience back, and almost immediately afterwards they would have gladly gone still farther back if they had had a chance, for the awful old merman appeared suddenly on the surface of the tank, and began to eat pieces of fried fish that were handed to him.

'He used to eat this raw,' the showman explained, 'but he is far more civilised now.'

The trumpets brayed, the drums beat louder, the crimson light played across the tank, and with an eldritch shriek the merman disappeared. But presently, to the surprise of everybody, up to the surface of the water bobbed a cane-bottomed chair.

Now, there is not by any means a confusing amount of romance about a cane-bottomed chair. No one would go so far as to say that. And this chair was a very ordinary one, the seat of it even calling out aloud for repair. Nevertheless, it had been sent up by the merman in a business-like way, and the people with one accord lifted up their voices and cheered that old bedroom chair; and when a small deal table came to the surface next, followed by a somewhat dilapidated washstand, they cheered all the more, for the British public is certainly a strange animal; but when a three-legged stool next appeared the British public mingled laughter with its cheers. Meanwhile busy hands of supernumeraries seized article after article as it came to the top of the tank, and commenced scrubbing it with hot water and soap.

'Ladies and gentlemen,' said Biffins, with his most artistic bow, 'I feel constrained to apologise to you for the somewhat meagre, not to say shabby, appearance of the furniture sent up to undergo spring cleaning. I must admit that it is scarcely the sort of articles one would naturally expect in a merman's cave. We might have looked forward to a better display than this: furniture inlaid with gold and precious stones--the onyx, the jasper, the opal, and coral white and crimson--carpets of green sea-moss, and curtains of the velvety sea-weeds, with candelabra that would have dazzled the eyes, and articles of _bigotry_ and _virtue_. But our merman came here in a hurry, and left his caves and his marble halls all behind him. I have not myself been down to the bottom of this mighty tank, and have not, therefore, had a peep inside the merman's cave; but, judging from these specimens, I should fancy the poor merman has had to "furnish throughout on the hire system."'

At this moment the merman himself came to the surface, puffing and blowing as if choking with dust. He was wearing an old flannel shirt with the sleeves rolled up, and had a dust-pan in one hand and sweeping-brush in the other, while round his head was pinned a dirty old rag of a towel. He signed to Biffins Lee for a drink, and a tumbler of some brown liquor like rum was handed to him. This he tossed off, threw the glass at Biffins's head, and dived below to work again.

By-and-by he came up once more, and, receiving article after article, critically examined it for specks of dirt, then dived with it and appeared again to grasp another, and so on until all the furniture was down below. After this the creature came to the surface, tore off the old woollen garment and the disreputable-looking towel, rolled them together, and threw them disdainfully at the showman. Then it yawned in a tired way, stretched itself as if much fatigued, and dived below.

'Now,' said Biffins Lee, 'the great spring cleaning is all over, and next week I hope to have the extreme felicity of introducing to your notice the merman's only daughter, the beautiful mermaid herself.'

But Biffins Lee was too confident. He was at the height of his glory at present with his Queerest Show on Earth, and he little knew what was in store for him.