Chapter II: Part 2

Lo! Here, with hirsute honors doffed, succinct
Of saponaceous locks, the priest who linked
In Hymen’s golden bands the man unthrift
Whose means exiguous stared from many a rift,
E’en as he kissed the virgin all forlorn
Who milked the cow with implicated horn,
Who in fierce wrath the canine torturer skied,
That dared to vex the insidious muricide,
Who let auroral effluence through the pelt
Of that sly rat that robbed the palace that Jack built.

The loud cantankerous Shanghai comes at last,
Whose shouts aroused the shorn ecclesiast,
Who sealed the vows of Hymen’s sacrament
To him who, robed in garments indigent,
Exosculates the damsel lachrymose,
The emulgator of the horned brute morose
That on gyrated horn, to heaven’s high vault
Hurled up, with many a tortuous somersault,
The low bone-cruncher, whose hot wrath pursued
The scratching sneak, that waged eternal feud
With long-tailed burglar, who his lips would smack
On farinaceous wealth, that filled the halls of Jack.

Vast limbed and broad the farmer comes at length,
Whose cereal care supplied the vital strength
Of chanticleer, whose matutinal cry
Roused the quiescent form and ope’d the eye
Of razor-loving cleric, who in bands
Connubial linked the intermixed hands
Of him, whose rent apparel gaped apart,
And the lorn maiden with lugubrious heart,
Her who extraught the exuberant lactic flow
Of nutriment from that cornigerent cow,
Eumenidal executor of fate,
That to sidereal altitudes elate
Cerberus, who erst with fang lethiferous
Left lacerate Grimalkin latebrose—
That killed the rat
That ate the malt
That lay in the house that Jack built.
_A. Pope._

MARY AND THE LAMB

MARY,—what melodies mingle
To murmur her musical name!
It makes all one’s finger-tips tingle
Like fagots, the food of the flame;
About her an ancient tradition
A romance delightfully deep
Has woven in juxtaposition
With one little sheep,—

One dear little lamb that would follow
Her footsteps, unwearily fain.
Down dale, over hill, over hollow,
To school and to hamlet again;
A gentle companion, whose beauty
Consisted in snow-driven fleece,
And whose most imperative duty
Was keeping the peace.

His eyes were as beads made of glassware,
His lips were coquettishly curled,
His capers made many a lass swear
His caper-sauce baffled the world;
His tail had a wag when it relished
A sip of the milk in the pail,—
And this fact has largely embellished
The wag of this tale.

One calm summer day when the sun was
A great golden globe in the sky,
One mild summer morn when the fun was
Unspeakably clear in his eye,
He tagged after exquisite Mary,
And over the threshold of school
He tripped in a temper contrary,
And splintered the rule.

A great consternation was kindled
Among all the scholars, and some
Confessed their affection had dwindled
For lamby, and looked rather glum;
But Mary’s schoolmistress quick beckoned
The children away from the jam,
And said, _sotto voce_, she reckoned
That Mame loved the lamb.

Then all up the spine of the rafter
There ran a most risible shock,
And sorrow was sweetened with laughter
At this little lamb of the flock;
And out spoke the schoolmistress Yankee,
With rather a New Hampshire whine,
“Dear pupils, sing Moody and Sankey,
Hymn ’Ninety and Nine.’”

Now after this music had finished,
And silence again was restored,
The ardor of lamby diminished,
His quips for a moment were floored
Then cried he, “Bah-ed children, you blundered
When singing that psalmistry, quite.
I’m labelled by Mary, ’Old Hundred,’
And I’m labelled right.”

Then vanished the lambkin in glory,
A halo of books round his head:
What furthermore happened the story,
Alackaday! cannot be said.
And Mary, the musical maid, is
To-day but a shadow in time;
Her epitaph, too, I’m afraid is
Writ only in rhyme.

She’s sung by the cook at her ladle
That stirs up the capering sauce;
She’s sung by the nurse at the cradle
When ba-ba is restless and cross;
And lamby, whose virtues were legion,
Dwells ever in songs that we sing,
He makes a nice dish in this region
To eat in the spring!
_Frank Dempster Sherman._

AFTER WALLER

THE AESTHETE TO THE ROSE

Go, flaunting Rose!
Tell her that wastes her love on thee,
That she nought knows
Of the New Cult, Intensity,
If sweet and fair to her you be.

Tell her that’s young,
Or who in health and bloom takes pride,
That bards have sung
Of a new youth—at whose sad side
Sickness and pallor aye abide.

Small is the worth
Of Beauty in crude charms attired.
She must shun mirth,
Have suffered, fruitlessly desired,
And wear no flush by hope inspired.

Then die, that she
May learn that Death is passing fair;
May read in thee
How little of Art’s praise they share,
Who are not sallow, sick, and spare!
_Punch._

AFTER DRYDEN

THREE BLESSINGS

THREE brightest blessings of this thirsty race,
(Whence sprung and when I don’t propose to trace);
Pale brandy, potent spirit of the night,
Brisk soda, welcome when the morn is bright;
To make the third, combine the other two,
The force of nature can no further go.
_Anonymous._

OYSTER-CRABS

THREE viands in three different courses served,
Received the commendation they deserved.
The first in succulence all else surpassed;
The next in flavor; and in both, the last.
For Nature’s forces could no further go;
To make the third, she joined the other two.
_Carolyn Wells._

AFTER DR. WATTS

THE VOICE OF THE LOBSTER

“’TIS the voice of the Lobster: I heard him declare
‘You have baked me too brown, I must sugar my hair.’
As a duck with its eyelids, so he with his nose
Trims his belt and his buttons, and turns out his toes.
When the sands are all dry, he is gay as a lark,
And will talk in contemptuous tones of the Shark:
But, when the tide rises and sharks are around,
His voice has a timid and tremulous sound.

“I passed by his garden, and marked, with one eye,
How the Owl and the Panther were sharing a pie;
The Panther took pie-crust, and gravy, and meat,
While the Owl had the dish as its share of the treat.
When the pie was all finished, the Owl, as a boon,
Was kindly permitted to pocket the spoon;
While the Panther received knife and fork with a growl,
And concluded the banquet by ——”
_Lewis Carroll._

THE CROCODILE

HOW doth the little crocodile
Improve his shining tail,
And pour the waters of the Nile
On every golden scale!

How cheerfully he seems to grin,
How neatly spreads his claws,
And welcomes little fishes in,
With gently smiling jaws!
_Lewis Carroll._

AFTER GOLDSMITH

WHEN LOVELY WOMAN

WHEN lovely woman wants a favor,
And finds, too late, that man won’t bend,
What earthly circumstance can save her
From disappointment in the end?

The only way to bring him over,
The last experiment to try,
Whether a husband or a lover,
If he have feeling is—to cry.
_Phœbe Cary._

AFTER BURNS

GAELIC SPEECH; OR, “AULD LANG SYNE” DONE UP IN TARTAN

SHOULD Gaelic speech be e’er forgot,
And never brocht to min’,
For she’ll be spoke in Paradise
In the days of auld lang syne.
When Eve, all fresh in beauty’s charms,
First met fond Adam’s view,
The first word that he’ll spoke till her
Was, “_cumar achum dhu_.”

And Adam in his garden fair,
Whene’er the day did close,
The dish that he’ll to supper teuk
Was always Athole brose.
When Adam from his leafy bower
Cam oot at broke o’ day,
He’ll always for his morning teuk
A quaich o’ usquebae.

An’ when wi’ Eve he’ll had a crack,
He’ll teuk his sneeshin’ horn,
An’ on the tap ye’ll well mitch mark
A pony praw Cairngorm.
The sneeshin’ mull is fine, my friens—
The sneeshin’ mull is gran’;
We’ll teukta hearty sneesh, my friens,
And pass frae han’ to han’.

When man first fan the want o’ claes,
The wind an’ cauld to fleg.
He twisted roon’ about his waist
The tartan philabeg.
An’ music first on earth was heard
In Gaelic accents deep,
When Jubal in his oxter squeezed
The blether o’ a sheep.

The praw bagpipes is gran’, my friens,
The praw bagpipes is fine;
We’ll teukta nother pibroch yet,
For the days o’ auld lang syne!
_Anonymous._

MY FOE

JOHN ALCOHOL, my foe, John,
When we were first acquaint,
I’d siller in my pockets, John,
Which noo, ye ken, I want;
I spent it all in treating, John,
Because I loved you so;
But mark ye, how you’ve treated me,
John Alcohol, my foe.

John Alcohol, my foe, John,
We’ve been ower lang together,
Sae ye maun tak’ ae road, John,
And I will take anither;
Foe we maun tumble down, John,
If hand in hand we go;
And I shall hae the bill to pay,
John Alcohol, my foe.

John Alcohol, my foe, John,
Ye’ve blear’d out a’ my een,
And lighted up my nose, John,
A fiery sign atween!
My hands wi’ palsy shake, John,
My locks are like the snow;
Ye’ll surely be the death of me,
John Alcohol, my foe.

John Alcohol, my foe, John,
’Twas love to you, I ween,
That gart me rise sae ear’, John,
And sit sae late at e’en;
The best o’ friens maun part, John,
It grieves me sair, ye know;
But “we’ll nae mair to yon town,”
John Alcohol, my foe.

John Alcohol, my foe, John,
Ye’ve wrought me muckle skaith,
And yet to part wi’ you, John,
I own I’m unko’ laith;
But I’ll join the temperance ranks, John,
Ye needna say me no;
It’s better late than ne’er do weel,
John Alcohol, my foe.
_Anonymous._

RIGID BODY SINGS

GIN a body meet a body
Flyin’ through the air,
Gin a body hit a body,
Will it fly? and where?
Ilka impact has its measure,
Ne’er a’ ane hae I,
Yet a’ the lads they measure me,
Or, at least, they try.

Gin a body meet a body
Altogether free,
How they travel afterwards
We do not always see.
Ilka problem has its method
By analytics high;
For me, I ken na ane o’ them,
But what the waur am I?
_J. C. Maxwell._

AFTER CATHERINE FANSHAWE

COCKNEY ENIGMA ON THE LETTER H

I DWELLS in the Herth and I breathes in the Hair;
If you searches the Hocean you’ll find that I’m there;
The first of all Hangels in Holympus am Hi,
Yet I’m banished from ’Eaven, expelled from on ’Igh.
But tho’ on this Horb I am destined to grovel,
I’m ne’er seen in an ’Ouse, in an ’Ut, nor an ’Ovel;
Not an ’Oss nor an ’Unter e’er bears me, alas!
But often I’m found on the top of a Hass.
I resides in a Hattic and loves not to roam,
And yet I’m invariably habsent from ’Ome.
Tho’ ’ushed in the ’Urricane, of the Hatmosphere part,
I enters no ’Ed, I creeps into no ’Art,
But look and you’ll see in the Heye I appear.
Only ’ark and you’ll ’ear me just breathe in the Hear;
Tho’ in sex not an ’E, I am (strange paradox!),
Not a bit of an ’Effer, but partly a Hox.
Of Heternity Hi’m the beginning! and mark,
Tho’ I goes not with Noar, I’m the first in the Hark.
I’m never in ’Elth—have with Fysic no power;
I dies in a Month, but comes back in a Hour.
_Horace Mayhew._

AFTER WORDSWORTH

ON WORDSWORTH

HE lived amidst th’ untrodden ways
To Rydal Lake that lead;
A bard whom there was none to praise
And very few to read.

Behind a cloud his mystic sense,
Deep hidden, who can spy?
Bright as the night when not a star
Is shining in the sky.

Unread his works—his “Milk White Doe”
With dust is dark and dim;
It’s still in Longmans’ shop, and oh!
The difference to him.
_Anonymous._

JACOB

HE dwelt among “Apartments let,”
About five stories high;
A man, I thought, that none would get,
And very few would try.

A boulder, by a larger stone
Half hidden in the mud,
Fair as a man when only one
Is in the neighborhood.

He lived unknown, and few could tell
When Jacob was not free;
But he has got a wife—and O!
The difference to me!
_Phœbe Cary._

FRAGMENT IN IMITATION OF WORDSWORTH

THERE is a river clear and fair,
’Tis neither broad nor narrow;
It winds a little here and there—
It winds about like any hare;
And then it holds as straight a course
As, on the turnpike road, a horse,
Or, through the air, an arrow.

The trees that grow upon the shore
Have grown a hundred years or more;
So long there is no knowing:
Old Daniel Dobson does not know
When first those trees began to grow;
But still they grew, and grew, and grew,
As if they’d nothing else to do,
But ever must be growing.

The impulses of air and sky
Have reared their stately heads so high,
And clothed their boughs with green;
Their leaves the dews of evening quaff,—
And when the wind blows loud and keen,
I’ve seen the jolly timbers laugh,
And shake their sides with merry glee—
Wagging their heads in mockery.

Fixed are their feet in solid earth
Where winds can never blow;
But visitings of deeper birth
Have reached their roots below.
For they have gained the river’s brink,
And of the living waters drink.

There’s little Will, a five years’ child—
He is my youngest boy;
To look on eyes so fair and wild,
It is a very joy.
He hath conversed with sun and shower,
And dwelt with every idle flower,
As fresh and gay as them.
He loiters with the briar-rose,—
The blue-bells are his play-fellows,
That dance upon their slender stem.

And I have said, my little Will,
Why should he not continue still
A thing of Nature’s rearing?
A thing beyond the world’s control—
A living vegetable soul,—
No human sorrow fearing.
It were a blessed sight to see
That child become a willow-tree,
His brother trees among.
He’d be four times as tall as me,
And live three times as long.
_Catherine M. Fanshawe._

JANE SMITH

I JOURNEYED, on a winter’s day,
Across the lonely wold;
No bird did sing upon the spray,
And it was very cold.

I had a coach with horses four,
Three white (though one was black),
And on they went the common o’er,
Nor swiftness did they lack.

A little girl ran by the side,
And she was pinched and thin.
“Oh, please, sir, do give me a ride!
I’m fetching mother’s gin.”

“Enter my coach, sweet child,” said I,
“For you shall ride with me;
And I will get you your supply
Of mother’s eau-de-vie.”

The publican was stern and cold,
And said: “Her mother’s score
Is writ, as you shall soon behold,
Behind the bar-room door!”

I blotted out the score with tears,
And paid the money down;
And took the maid of thirteen years
Back to her mother’s town.

And though the past with surges wild
Fond memories may sever,
The vision of that happy child
Will leave my spirits never!
_Rudyard Kipling._

ONLY SEVEN

(_A Pastoral Story after Wordsworth_)

I MARVELLED why a simple child,
That lightly draws its breath,
Should utter groans so very wild,
And look as pale as Death.

Adopting a parental tone,
I ask’d her why she cried;
The damsel answered with a groan,
“I’ve got a pain inside!

“I thought it would have sent me mad
Last night about eleven.”
Said I, “What is it makes you bad?
How many apples have you had?”
She answered, “Only seven!”

“And are you sure you took no more,
My little maid?” quoth I;
“Oh, please, sir, mother gave me four,
But they were in a pie!”

“If that’s the case,” I stammer’d out,
“Of course you’ve had eleven.”
The maiden answered with a pout,
“I ain’t had more nor seven!”

I wonder’d hugely what she meant,
And said, “I’m bad at riddles;
But I know where little girls are sent
For telling taradiddles.

“Now, if you won’t reform,” said I,
“You’ll never go to Heaven.”
But all in vain; each time I try,
That little idiot makes reply,
“I ain’t had more nor seven!”

POSTSCRIPT

To borrow Wordsworth’s name was wrong,
Or slightly misapplied;
And so I’d better call my song,
“Lines after Ache-Inside.”
_Henry S. Leigh._

LUCY LAKE

POOR Lucy Lake was overgrown,
But somewhat underbrained.
She did not know enough, I own,
To go in when it rained.

Yet Lucy was constrained to go;
Green bedding,—you infer.
Few people knew she died, but oh,
The difference to her!
_Newton Mackintosh._

AFTER SIR WALTER SCOTT

YOUNG LOCHINVAR

(_The true story in blank verse_)

OH! young Lochinvar has come out of the West,
Thro’ all the wide border his horse has no equal,
Having cost him forty-five dollars at the market,
Where good nags, fresh from the country,
With burrs still in their tails are selling
For a song; and save his good broadsword
He weapon had none, except a seven shooter
Or two, a pair of brass knuckles, and an Arkansaw

Toothpick in his boot, so, comparatively speaking,
He rode all unarmed, and he rode all alone,
Because there was no one going his way.
He stayed not for brake, and he stopped not for
Toll-gates; he swam the Eske River where ford
There was none, and saved fifteen cents
In ferriage, but lost his pocket-book, containing
Seventeen dollars and a half, by the operation.

Ere he alighted at the Netherby mansion
He stopped to borrow a dry suit of clothes,
And this delayed him considerably, so when
He arrived the bride had consented—the gallant
Came late—for a laggard in love and a dastard in war
Was to wed the fair Ellen, and the guests had assembled.

So boldly he entered the Netherby Hall
Among bridesmen and kinsmen and brothers and
Brothers-in-law and forty or fifty cousins;
Then spake the bride’s father, his hand on his sword
(For the poor craven bridegroom ne’er opened his head):

“Oh, come ye in peace here, or come ye in anger,
Or to dance at our bridal, young Lord Lochinvar?”
“I long wooed your daughter, and she will tell you
I have the inside track in the free-for-all
For her affections! My suit you denied; but let
That pass, while I tell you, old fellow, that love
Swells like the Solway, but ebbs like its tide,
And now I am come with this lost love of mine
To lead but one measure, drink one glass of beer;
There are maidens in Scotland more lovely by far
That would gladly be bride to yours very truly.”

The bride kissed the goblet, the knight took it up,
He quaffed off the nectar and threw down the mug,
Smashing it into a million pieces, while
He remarked that he was the son of a gun
From Seven-up and run the Number Nine.
She looked down to blush, but she looked up again
For she well understood the wink in his eye;
He took her soft hand ere her mother could
Interfere, “Now tread we a measure; first four
Half right and left; swing,” cried young Lochinvar.

One touch to her hand and one word in her ear,
When they reached the hall-door and the charger
Stood near on three legs eating post-hay;
So light to the croup the fair lady he swung,
Then leaped to the saddle before her.
“She is won! we are gone! over bank! bush, and spar,
They’ll have swift steeds that follow”—but in the

Excitement of the moment he had forgotten
To untie the horse, and the poor brute could
Only gallop in a little circus around the
Hitching-post; so the old gent collared
The youth and gave him the awfullest lambasting
That was ever heard of on Canobie Lee;
So dauntless in war and so daring in love,
Have ye e’er heard of gallant like young Lochinvar?
_Anonymous._

AFTER COLERIDGE

THE ANCIENT MARINER

(_The Wedding Guest’s Version of the Affair from His Point of View_)

IT is an Ancient Mariner,
And he stoppeth one of three—
In fact he coolly took my arm—
“There was a ship,” quoth he.

“Bother your ships!” said I, “is this
The time a yarn to spin?
This is a wedding, don’t you see,
And I am next of kin.

“The wedding breakfast has begun,
We’re hungry as can be—
Hold off! Unhand me, longshore man!”
With that his hand dropt he.

But there was something in his eye,
That made me sick and ill,
Yet forced to listen to his yarn—
The Mariner’d had his will.

While Tom and Harry went their way
I sat upon a stone—
So queer on Fanny’s wedding day
Me sitting there alone!

Then he began, that Mariner,
To rove from pole to pole,
In one long-winded, lengthened-out,
Eternal rigmarole,

About a ship in which he’d sailed,
Though whither, goodness knows,
Where “ice will split with a thunder-fit,”
And every day it snows.

And then about a precious bird
Of some sort or another,
That—was such nonsense ever heard?—
Used to control the weather!

Now, at this bird the Mariner
Resolved to have a shy,
And laid it low with his cross-bow—
And then the larks! My eye!

For loss of that uncommon fowl,
They couldn’t get a breeze;
And there they stuck, all out of luck,
And rotted on the seas.

The crew all died, or seemed to die,
And he was left alone
With that queer bird. You never heard
What games were carried on!

At last one day he stood and watched
The fishes in the sea,
And said, “I’m blest!” and so the ship
Was from the spell set free.

And it began to rain and blow,
And as it rained and blew,
The dead got up and worked the ship—
That was a likely crew!

However, somehow he escaped,
And got again to land,
But mad as any hatter, say,
From Cornhill to the Strand.

For he believes that certain folks
Are singled out by fate,
To whom this cock-and-bull affair
Of his he must relate.

Describing all the incidents,
And painting all the scenes,
As sailors will do in the tales
They tell to the Marines.

Confound the Ancient Mariner!
I knew I should be late;
And so it was; the wedding guests
Had all declined to wait.

Another had my place, and gave
My toast; and sister Fan
Said “’Twas a shame. What could you want
With that seafaring man?”

I felt like one that had been stunned
Through all this wrong and scorn;
A sadder and a later man
I rose the morrow morn.
_Anonymous_

STRIKING

IT was a railway passenger,
And he lept out jauntilie.
“Now up and bear, thou stout portèr,
My two chattèls to me.

“Bring hither, bring hither my bag so red,
And portmanteau so brown;
(They lie in the van, for a trusty man
He labelled them London town:)

“And fetch me eke a cabman bold,
That I may be his fare, his fare;
And he shall have a good shilling,
If by two of the clock he do me bring
To the Terminus, Euston Square.”

“Now,—so to thee the saints alway,
Good gentleman, give luck,—
As never a cab may I find this day,
For the cabman wights have struck.

And now, I wis, at the Red Post Inn,
Or else at the Dog and Duck,
Or at Unicorn Blue, or at Green Griffin,
The nut-brown ale and the fine old gin
Right pleasantly they do suck.“

“Now rede me aright, thou stout portèr,
What were it best that I should do:
For woe is me, an’ I reach not there
Or ever the clock strike two.”

“I have a son, a lytel son;
Fleet is his foot as the wild roebuck’s:
Give him a shilling, and eke a brown,
And he shall carry thy fardels down
To Euston, or half over London town,
On one of the station trucks.”

Then forth in a hurry did they twain fare,
The gent and the son of the stout portèr,
Who fled like an arrow, nor turned a hair,
Through all the mire and muck:
“A ticket, a ticket, sir clerk, I pray:
For by two of the clock must I needs away.”
“That may hardly be,” the clerk did say,
“For indeed—the clocks have struck.”
_Charles S. Calverley._

AFTER SOUTHEY

THE OLD MAN’S COLD AND HOW HE GOT IT

(_By Northey-Southey-Eastey-Westey_)

“YOU are cold, Father William,” the young man cried,
“You shake and you shiver, I say;
You’ve a cold, Father William, your nose it is red,
Now tell me the reason, I pray.”

“In the days of my youth,” Father William replied—
(He was a dissembling old man)
“I put lumps of ice in my grandpapa’s boots,
And snowballed my Aunt Mary Ann.”

“Go along, Father William,” the young man cried,
“You are trying it on, sir, to-day;
What makes your teeth chatter like bone castanets?
Come tell me the reason, I pray.”

“In the days of my youth,” Father William replied,
“I went to the North Pole with Parry;
And now, my sweet boy, the Arc-tic doloreaux
Plays with this old man the Old Harry.”

“Get out! Father William,” the young man cried.
“Come, you shouldn’t go on in this way;
You are funny, but still you’ve a frightful bad cold—
Now tell me the reason, I pray.”

“I am cold, then, dear youth,” Father William replied;
“I’ve a cold, my impertinent son,
Because for some weeks my coals have been bought
At forty-eight shillings a ton!”

FATHER WILLIAM

“YOU are old, Father William,” the young man said,
“And your hair has become very white;
And yet you incessantly stand on your head—
Do you think, at your age, it is right?”

“In my youth,” Father William replied to his son,
“I feared it might injure the brain;
But now that I’m perfectly sure I have none,
Why, I do it again and again.”

“You are old,” said the youth, “as I mentioned before,
And grown most uncommonly fat;
Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door—
Pray what is the reason of that?”

“In my youth,” said the sage, as he shook his gray locks,
“I kept all my limbs very supple
By the use of this ointment—one shilling the box—
Allow me to sell you a couple.”

“You are old,” said the youth, “and your jaws are too weak
For anything tougher than suet;
Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak;
Pray, how did you manage to do it?”

“In my youth,” said his father, “I took to the law,
And argued each case with my wife;
And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw,
Has lasted the rest of my life.”

“You are old,” said the youth, “one would hardly suppose
That your eye was as steady as ever;
Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose—
What made you so awfully clever?”

“I have answered three questions and that is enough,”
Said his father; “don’t give yourself airs!
Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
Be off, or I’ll kick you downstairs!”
_Lewis Carroll_

LADY JANE

(_Sapphics_)

DOWN the green hill-side fro’ the castle window
Lady Jane spied Bill Amaranth a-workin’;
Day by day watched him go about his ample
Nursery garden.

Cabbages thriv’d there, wi’ a mort o’ green-stuff—
Kidney beans, broad beans, onions, tomatoes,
Artichokes, seakale, vegetable marrows,
Early potatoes.

Lady Jane cared not very much for all these:
What she cared much for was a glimpse o’ Willum
Strippin’ his brown arms wi’ a view to horti-
Cultural effort.

Little guessed Willum, never extra-vain, that
Up the green hill-side, i’ the gloomy castle,
Feminine eyes could so delight to view his
Noble proportions.

Only one day while, in an innocent mood,
Moppin’ his brow (cos ’twas a trifle sweaty)
With a blue kerchief—lo, he spies a white un
Coyly responding.

Oh, delightsome Love! Not a jot do _you_ care
For the restrictions set on human inter-
Course by cold-blooded social refiners;
Nor do I, neither.

Day by day, peepin’ fro’ behind the bean-sticks,
Willum observed that scrap o’ white a-wavin’,
Till his hot sighs out-growin’ all repression
Busted his weskit.

Lady Jane’s guardian was a haughty Peer, who
Clung to old creeds and had a nasty temper;
Can we blame Willum that he hardly cared to
Risk a refusal?

Year by year found him busy ’mid the bean-sticks,
Wholly uncertain how on earth to take steps.
Thus for eighteen years he beheld the maiden
Wave fro’ her window.

But the nineteenth spring, i’ the castle post-bag,
Came by book-post Bill’s catalogue o’ seedlings
Mark’d wi’ blue ink at “Paragraphs relatin’
Mainly to Pumpkins.”

“W. A. can,” so the Lady Jane read,
“Strongly commend that very noble Gourd, the
_Lady Jane_, first-class medal, ornamental;
Grows to a great height.”

Scarce a year arter, by the scented hedgerows—
Down the mown hill-side, fro’ the castle gateway—
Came a long train and, i’ the midst, a black bier,
Easily shouldered.

“Whose is yon corse that, thus adorned wi’ gourd leaves
Forth ye bear with slow step?” A mourner answer’d,
“’Tis the poor clay-cold body Lady Jane grew
Tired to abide in.”

“Delve my grave quick, then, for I die to-morrow.
Delve it one furlong fro’ the kidney bean-sticks,
Where I may dream she’s goin’ on precisely
As she was used to.”

Hardly died Bill when, fro’ the Lady Jane’s grave,
Crept to his white death-bed a lovely pumpkin:
Climb’d the house wall and over-arched his head wi’
Billowy verdure.

Simple this tale!—but delicately perfumed
As the sweet roadside honeysuckle. That’s why,
Difficult though its metre was to tackle,
I’m glad I wrote it.
_A. T. Quiller-Couch._

AFTER CAMPBELL

THE NEW ARRIVAL

THERE came to port last Sunday night
The queerest little craft,
Without an inch of rigging on;
I looked and looked—and laughed!
It seemed so curious that she
Should cross the Unknown water,
And moor herself within my room—
My daughter! Oh, my daughter!

Yet by these presents witness all
She’s welcome fifty times,
And comes consigned in hope and love—
And common-metre rhymes.
She has no manifest but this,
No flag floats o’er the water;
She’s too new for the British Lloyds—
My daughter! Oh, my daughter!

Ring out, wild bells—and tame ones too,
Ring out the lover’s moon;
Ring in the little worsted socks,
Ring in the bib and spoon.
Ring out the muse, ring in the nurse,
Ring in the milk and water;
Away with paper, pen, and ink—
My daughter! Oh, my daughter!
_George Washington Cable._

JOHN THOMPSON’S DAUGHTER

A FELLOW near Kentucky’s clime
Cries, “Boatman, do not tarry,
And I’ll give thee a silver dime
To row us o’er the ferry.”

“Now, who would cross the Ohio,
This dark and stormy water?”
“O, I am this young lady’s beau,
And she, John Thompson’s daughter.

“We’ve fled before her father’s spite
With great precipitation;
And should he find us here to-night,
I’d lose my reputation.

“They’ve missed the girl and purse beside,
His horsemen hard have pressed me;
And who will cheer my bonny bride,
If yet they shall arrest me?”

Out spoke the boatman then in time,
“You shall not fail, don’t fear it;
I’ll go, not for your silver dime,
But for your manly spirit.

“And by my word, the bonny bird
In danger shall not tarry;
For though a storm is coming on,
I’ll row you o’er the ferry.”

By this the wind more fiercely rose,
The boat was at the landing;
And with the drenching rain their clothes
Grew wet where they were standing.

But still, as wilder rose the wind,
And as the night grew drearer;
Just back a piece came the police,
Their tramping sounded nearer.

“Oh, haste thee, haste!” the lady cries,
“It’s anything but funny;
I’ll leave the light of loving eyes,
But not my father’s money!”

And still they hurried in the face
Of wind and rain unsparing;
John Thompson reached the landing place—
His wrath was turned to swearing.

For by the lightning’s angry flash,
His child he did discover;
One lovely hand held all the cash,
And one was round her lover!

“Come back, come back!” he cried in woe,
Across the stormy water;
“But leave the purse, and you may go,
My daughter, oh, my daughter!”

’Twas vain; they reached the other shore
(Such doom the Fates assign us);
The gold he piled went with his child,
And he was left there _minus_.
_Phœbe Cary._

AFTER THOMAS MOORE

THE LAST CIGAR

’TIS a last choice Havana
I hold here alone;
All its fragrant companions
In perfume have flown.
No more of its kindred
To gladden the eye,
So my empty cigar case
I close with a sigh.

I’ll not leave thee, thou lone one,
To pine; but the stem
I’ll bite off and light thee
To waft thee to them.
And gently I’ll scatter
The ashes you shed,
As your soul joins its mates in
A cloud overhead.

All pleasure is fleeting,
It blooms to decay;
From the weeds’ glowing circle
The ash drops away.
A last whiff is taken,
The butt-end is thrown,
And with empty cigar-case,
I sit all alone.
_Anonymous._

’TWAS EVER THUS

I NEVER bought a young gazelle,
To glad me with its soft black eye,
But, when it came to know me well,
’Twas sure to butt me on the sly.

I never drilled a cockatoo,
To speak with almost human lip,
But, when a pretty phrase it knew,
’Twas sure to give some friend a nip.

I never trained a collie hound
To be affectionate and mild,
But, when I thought a prize I’d found,
’Twas sure to bite my youngest child.

I never kept a tabby kit
To cheer my leisure with its tricks,
But, when we all grew fond of it,
’Twas sure to catch the neighbor’s chicks.

I never reared a turtle-dove,
To coo all day with gentle breath,
But, when its life seemed one of love,
’Twas sure to peck its mate to death.

I never—well I never yet—
And I have spent no end of pelf—
Invested money in a pet
That didn’t misconduct itself.
_Anonymous._

“THERE’S A BOWER OF BEAN-VINES”

There’s a bower of bean-vines in Benjamin’s yard,
And the cabbages grow round it, planted for greens;
In the time of my childhood ’twas terribly hard
To bend down the bean-poles, and pick off the beans.

That bower and its products I never forget,
But oft, when my landlady presses me hard,
I think, are the cabbages growing there yet,
Are the bean-vines still bearing in Benjamin’s yard?

No, the bean-vines soon withered that once used to wave,
But some beans had been gathered, the last that hung on;
And a soup was distilled in a kettle, that gave
All the fragrance of summer when summer was gone.

Thus memory draws from delight, ere it dies,
An essence that breathes of it awfully hard;
As thus good to my taste as ’twas then to my eyes,
Is that bower of bean-vines in Benjamin’s yard.
_Phœbe Cary._

DISASTER

’TWAS ever thus from childhood’s hour!
My fondest hopes would not decay;
I never loved a tree or flower
Which was the first to fade away!
The garden, where I used to delve
Short-frock’d, still yields me pinks in plenty;
The pear-tree that I climbed at twelve
I see still blossoming, at twenty.

I never nursed a dear gazelle;
But I was given a parroquet—
(How I did nurse him if unwell!)
He’s imbecile, but lingers yet.
He’s green, with an enchanting tuft;
He melts me with his small black eye;
He’d look inimitable stuffed,
And knows it—but he will not die!

I had a kitten—I was rich
In pets—but all too soon my kitten
Became a full-sized cat, by which
I’ve more than once been scratched and bitten.
And when for sleep her limbs she curl’d
One day beside her untouch’d plateful,
And glided calmly from the world,
I freely own that I was grateful.

And then I bought a dog—a queen!
Ah, Tiny, dear departing pug!
She lives, but she is past sixteen
And scarce can crawl across the rug.
I loved her beautiful and kind;
Delighted in her pert bow-wow;
But now she snaps if you don’t mind;
’Twere lunacy to love her now.

I used to think, should e’er mishap
Betide my crumple-visaged Ti,
In shape of prowling thief, or trap,
Or coarse bull-terrier—I should die.
But ah! disasters have their use,
And life might e’en be too sunshiny;
Nor would I make myself a goose,
If some big dog should swallow Tiny.
_Charles S. Calverley._

SARAH’S HALLS

THE broom that once through Sarah’s halls,
In hole and corner sped,
Now useless leans ’gainst Sarah’s walls
And gathers dust instead.
So sweeps the slavey now-a-days
So work is shifted o’er,
And maids that once gained honest praise
Now earn that praise no more!
No more the cobweb from its height
The broom of Sarah fells;
The fly alone unlucky wight
Invades the spider’s cells.
Thus energy so seldom wakes,
All sign that Sarah gives
Is when some dish or platter breaks,
To show that still she lives.
_Judy._

’TWAS EVER THUS

I NEVER rear’d a young gazelle,
(Because, you see, I never tried);
But had it known and loved me well,
No doubt the creature would have died.
My rich and aged Uncle John
Has known me long and loves me well
But still persists in living on—
I would he were a young gazelle.

I never loved a tree or flower;
But, if I had, I beg to say
The blight, the wind, the sun, or shower
Would soon have withered it away.
I’ve dearly loved my Uncle John,
From childhood to the present hour,
And yet he will go living on on—
I would he were a tree or flower!
_Henry S. Leigh._

AFTER JANE TAYLOR

THE BAT

TWINKLE, twinkle, little bat!
How I wonder what you’re at!

Up above the world you fly,
Like a tea-tray in the sky.
_Lewis Carroll._

AFTER BARRY CORNWALL

THE TEA

THE tea! The tea! The beef, beef-tea!
The brew from gravy-beef for me!
Without a doubt, as I’ll be bound,
The best for an invalid ’tis found;
It’s better than gruel; with sago vies;
Or with the cradled babe’s supplies.

I like beef-tea! I like beef-tea,
I’m satisfied, and aye shall be,
With the brew I love, and the brew I know,
And take it wheresoe’er I go.
If the price should rise, or meat be cheap,
No matter. I’ll to beef-tea keep.

I love—oh, how I love to guide
The strong beef-tea to its place inside,
When round and round you stir the spoon
Or whistle thereon to cool it soon.
Because one knoweth—or ought to know,
That things get cool whereon you blow.

I never have drunk the dull souchong,
But I for my loved beef-tea did long,
And inly yearned for that bountiful zest,
Like a bird. As a child on that I messed—
And a mother it was and is to me,
For I was weaned on the beef—beef-tea!
_Tom Hood, Jr._

AFTER BYRON

THE ROUT OF BELGRAVIA

THE Belgravians came down on the Queen in her hold,
And their costumes were gleaming with purple and gold,
And the sheen of their jewels was like stars on the sea,
As their chariots rolled proudly down Piccadill-ee.

Like the leaves of _Le Follet_ when summer is green,
That host in its glory at noontide was seen;
Like the leaves of a toy-book all thumb-marked and worn,
That host four hours later was tattered and torn.

For the rush of the crowd, which was eager and vast,
Had rumpled and ruined and wrecked as it passed;
And the eyes of the wearer waxed angry in haste,
As a dress but once worn was dragged out at the waist.

And there lay the feather and fan side by side,
But no longer they nodded or waved in their pride;
And there lay lace flounces and ruching in slips,
And spur-torn material in plentiful strips.

And there were odd gauntlets and pieces of hair;
And fragments of back-combs and slippers were there;
And the gay were all silent, their mirth was all hushed,
Whilst the dewdrops stood out on the brows of the crushed.

And the dames of Belgravia were loud in their wail,
And the matrons of Mayfair all took up the tale;
And they vow as they hurry unnerved from the scene,
That it’s no trifling matter to call on the Queen.
_Jon Duan._

A GRIEVANCE

DEAR Mr. Editor: I wish to say—
If you will not be angry at my writing it—
But I’ve been used, since childhood’s happy day,
When I have thought of something, to inditing it;
I seldom think of things; and, by the way,
Although this metre may not be exciting, it
Enables one to be extremely terse,
Which is not what one always is in verse.

I used to know a man, such things befall
The observant wayfarer through Fate’s domain
He was a man, take him for all in all,
We shall not look upon his like again;
I know that statement’s not original;
What statement is, since Shakespere? or, since Cain,
What murder? I believe ’twas Shakespere said it, or
Perhaps it may have been your Fighting Editor.

Though why an Editor should fight, or why
A Fighter should abase himself to edit,
Are problems far too difficult and high
For me to solve with any sort of credit.
Some greatly more accomplished man than I
Must tackle them: let’s say then Shakespere said it;
And, if he did not, Lewis Morris may
(Or even if he did). Some other day,

When I have nothing pressing to impart,
I should not mind dilating on this matter.
I feel its import both in head and heart,
And always did,—especially the latter.
I could discuss it in the busy mart
Or on the lonely housetop; hold! this chatter
Diverts me from my purpose. To the point:
The time, as Hamlet said, is out of joint,

And perhaps I was born to set it right,—
A fact I greet with perfect equanimity.
I do not put it down to “cursed spite,”
I don’t see any cause for cursing in it. I
Have always taken very great delight
In such pursuits since first I read divinity.
Whoever will may write a nation’s songs
As long as I’m allowed to right its wrongs.

What’s Eton but a nursery of wrong-righters,
A mighty mother of effective men;
A training ground for amateur reciters,
A sharpener of the sword as of the pen;
A factory of orators and fighters,
A forcing-house of genius? Now and then
The world at large shrinks back, abashed and beaten,
Unable to endure the glare of Eton.

I think I said I knew a man: what then?
I don’t suppose such knowledge is forbid.
We nearly all do, more or less, know men,—
Or think we do; nor will a man get rid
Of that delusion, while he wields a pen.
But who this man was, what, if aught, he did,
Nor why I mentioned him, I do not know;
Nor what I “wished to say” a while ago.
_J. K. Stephen._

AFTER CHARLES WOLFE

THE BURIAL OF THE BACHELOR

NOT a laugh was heard, not a frivolous note,
As the groom to the wedding we carried;
Not a jester discharged his farewell shot
As the bachelor went to be married.

We married him quickly that morning bright,
The leaves of our prayer-books turning,
In the chancel’s dimly religious light,
And tears in our eyelids burning.

No useless nosegay adorned his chest,
Not in chains but in laws we bound him;
And he looked like a bridegroom trying his best
To look used to the scene around him.

Few and small were the fees it cost,
And we spoke not a word of sorrow,
But we silently gazed on the face of the lost
And we bitterly thought of the morrow.

We thought as we hurried him home to be fed,
And tried our low spirits to rally,
That the weather looked very like squalls overhead
For the passage from Dover to Calais.

Lightly they’ll talk of the bachelor gone,
And o’er his frail fondness upbraid him;
But little he’ll reck if they let him alone,
With his wife that the parson hath made him.

But half of our heavy task was done,
When the clock struck the hour for retiring;
And we judged by the knocks which had now begun
That their cabby was rapidly tiring.

Slowly and sadly we led them down,
From the scene of his lame oratory;
We told the four-wheeler to drive them to town,
And we left them alone in their glory.
_Anonymous._

NOT A SOU HAD HE GOT

NOT a sou had he got—not a guinea or note,
And he looked confoundedly flurried
As he bolted away without paying his shot,
And the Landlady after him hurried.

We saw him again at dead of night,
When home from the club returning;
We twigged the Doctor beneath the light
Of the gas-lamp brilliantly burning.

All bare and exposed to the midnight dews,
Reclined in the gutter we found him;
And he look’d like a gentleman taking a snooze,
With his Marshal cloak around him.

“The Doctor’s as drunk as the d——,” we said,
And we managed a shutter to borrow;
We raised him, and sighed at the thought that his head
Would “consumedly ache” on the morrow.

We bore him home, and we put him to bed,
And we told his wife and his daughter
To give him, next morning, a couple of red
Herrings, with soda-water.

Loudly they talked of his money that’s gone
And his lady began to upbraid him;
But little he reck’d, so they let him snore on
’Neath the counterpane just as we laid him.

We tucked him in, and had hardly done
When, beneath the window calling,
We heard the rough voice of a son of a gun
Of a watchman “One o’clock!” bawling.

Slowly and sadly we all walk’d down
From his room in the uppermost story;
A rushlight was placed on the cold hearth-stone,
And we left him alone in his glory!
_R. Harris Barham._

THE MARRIAGE OF SIR JOHN SMITH

NOT a sigh was heard, nor a funeral tone,
As the man to his bridal we hurried;
Not a woman discharged her farewell groan,
On the spot where the fellow was married.

We married him just about eight at night,
Our faces paler turning,
By the struggling moonbeam’s misty light,
And the gas-lamp’s steady burning.

No useless watch-chain covered his vest,
Nor over-dressed we found him;
But he looked like a gentleman wearing his best,
With a few of his friends around him.

Few and short were the things we said,
And we spoke not a word of sorrow,
But we silently gazed on the man that was wed,
And we bitterly thought of the morrow.

We thought, as we silently stood about,
With spite and anger dying,
How the merest stranger had cut us out,
With only half our trying.

Lightly we’ll talk of the fellow that’s gone,
And oft for the past upbraid him;
But little he’ll reck if we let him live on,
In the house where his wife conveyed him.

But our heavy task at length was done,
When the clock struck the hour for retiring;
And we heard the spiteful squib and pun
The girls were sullenly firing.

Slowly and sadly we turned to go,—
We had struggled, and we were human;
We shed not a tear, and we spoke not our woe,
But we left him alone with his woman.
_Phœbe Cary._

AFTER MRS. HEMANS

THE THYROID GLAND

“WE hear thee speak of the thyroid gland,
But what thou say’st we don’t understand;
Professor, where does the acinus dwell?
We hashed our dissection and can’t quite tell.
Is it where the mascula lutea flows,
And the suprachordial tissue grows?”
“Not there, not there, my class!”

“Is it far away where the bronchi part
And the pneumogastric controls the heart?
Where endothelium encardium lines,
And a subpericardial nerve intertwines?
Where the subpleural plexus of lymphatics expand?
Is it there, Professor, that gruesome gland?”
“Not there, not there, my class!”

“I have not seen it, my gentle youths,
My myxoedemia, I’m told, it soothes.
Landois says stolidly ‘functions unknown;’
Foster adopts an enquiring tone.
Duct does not lead to its strange recess,
Far below the vertex, above the pes,
It is there, I am told, my class!”
_R. M._

AFTER KEATS

I.

ODE ON A JAR OF PICKLES

A SWEET, acidulous, down-reaching thrill
Pervades my sense. I seem to see or hear
The lushy garden-grounds of Greenwich Hill
In autumn, where the crispy leaves are sere;
And odors haunt me of remotest spice
From the Levant or musky-aired Cathay,
Or from the saffron-fields of Jericho,
Where everything is nice.
The more I sniff, the more I swoon away,
And what else mortal palate craves, forego.

II.

ODORS unsmelled are keen, but those I smell
Are keener; wherefore let me sniff again!
Enticing walnuts, I have known ye well
In youth, when pickles were a passing pain;
Unwitting youth, that craves the candy stem,
And sugar plums to olives doth prefer,
And even licks the pots of marmalade
When sweetness clings to them.
But now I dream of ambergris and myrrh,
Tasting these walnuts in the poplar shade.

III.

LO! hoarded coolness in the heart of noon,
Plucked with its dew, the cucumber is here,
As to the Dryad’s parching lips a boon,
And crescent bean-pods, unto Bacchus dear;
And, last of all, the pepper’s pungent globe,
The scarlet dwelling of the sylph of fire,
Provoking purple draughts; and, surfeited,
I cast my trailing robe
O’er my pale feet, touch up my tuneless lyre,
And twist the Delphic wreath to suit my head.

IV.

HERE shall my tongue in otherwise be soured
Than fretful men’s in parched and palsied days;
And, by the mid-May’s dusky leaves embowered,
Forget the fruitful blame, the scanty praise.
No sweets to them who sweet themselves were born,
Whose natures ooze with lucent saccharine;
Who, with sad repetition soothly cloyed,
The lemon-tinted morn
Enjoy, and find acetic twilight fine.
Wake I, or sleep? The pickle-jar is void.
_Bayard Taylor._

AFTER HEINE

IMITATION

MY love she leans from the window
Afar in a rosy land;
And red as a rose are her blushes,
And white as a rose her hand.

And the roses cluster around her,
And mimic her tender grace;
And nothing but roses can blossom
Wherever she shows her face.

I dwell in a land of winter,
From my love a world apart,—
But the snow blooms over with roses
At the thought of her in my heart.

This German style of poem
Is uncommonly popular now;
For the worst of us poets can do it—
Since Heine showed us how.
_H. C. Bunner._

COMMONPLACES

RAIN on the face of the sea,
Rain on the sodden land,
And the window-pane is blurred with rain
As I watch it, pen in hand.

Mist on the face of the sea,
Mist on the sodden land,
Filling the vales as daylight fails,
And blotting the desolate sand.

Voices from out of the mist,
Calling to one another:
“Hath love an end, thou more than friend,
Thou dearer than ever brother?”

Voices from out of the mist,
Calling and passing away;
But I cannot speak, for my voice is weak,
And ... this is the end of my lay.
_Rudyard Kipling._

AFTER HOOD

SONG OF THE SHEET

THE DRIPPING SHEET

_This sheet wrung out of cold or tepid water is thrown
around the body. Quick rubbing follows, succeeded by
the same operation with a dry sheet. Its operation is
truly shocking. Dress after to prevent remarks._

WITH nerves all shattered and worn,
With shouts terrific and loud,
A patient stood in a cold wet sheet—
A Grindrod’s patent shroud.
Wet, wet, wet,
In douche and spray and sleet,
And still, with a voice I shall never forget,
He sang the song of the sheet.

“Drip, drip, drip,
Dashing, and splashing, and dipping;
And drip, drip, drip,
Till your fat all melts to dripping.
It’s oh, for dry deserts afar,
Or let me rather endure
Curing with salt in a family jar,
If this is the water cure.

“Rub, rub, rub,
He’ll rub away life and limb;
Rub, rub, rub
It seems to be fun for him.
Sheeted from head to foot,
I’d rather be covered with dirt;
I’ll give you the sheet and the blankets to boot,
If you’ll only give me my shirt.

“Oh, men, with arms and hands,
Oh, men, with legs and shins,
It is not the sheet you’re wearing out,
But human creatures’ skins.
Rub, rub, rub,
Body, and legs, and feet;
Rubbing at once with a double rub,
A skin as well as a sheet.

“My wife will see me no more—
She’ll see the bone of her bone,
But never will see the flesh of her flesh,
For I’ll have no flesh of my own.
The little that was my own,
They won’t allow me to keep;
It’s a pity that flesh should be so dear,
And water so very cheap.