Chapter I: Front Matter

•A♦TRIP♦TO♦NIAGARA♦FALLS•

"Come, May, come, Nellie; hurry up. Deacon Fitney will be here directly and the train starts directly."

The voice was that of Mr. Trevellyan, a thoroughly well-known and highly respected stock broker of the City of Chicago. Mr. Trevellyan was a hard-working man, and his various affairs did not give him much opportunity of absenting himself from his business. But to-day had been laid out as a holiday for the babies, and papa Trevellyan had made up his mind to take part in it.

After a good deal of family discussion [these things generally involve more or less of that sort of thing] it was finally decided to make a trip to Niagara Falls and back. So a party was made up which was to consist of Mr. and Mrs. Trevellyan, the two children and a good-hearted Deacon Fitney, who was well acquainted with the way to "do" the Falls properly.

The day was, as I have just said, a bright one, even for the month of June, and both May and Nellie, in anticipation of a pleasant time, were not long in putting on their things and repairing to the parlor.

It was well they hurried. There was papa, valise in hand, ready to start; mamma, too, and nothing seemed to be wanting but the presence of Deacon Fitney, who had gone off to secure the railway tickets, and who promised to return at once with a carriage and accompany the whole party to the train. The Deacon was not long in coming back. He was a good man in his way, was the Deacon. He had only one fault--he was unreasonably fond of Buttons! He adorned his apparel with more buttons than even the law requires, and he wore a nice gold headed button on his neatly tied satin scarf. Nobody could ever find out what prompted this peculiarity, but then nobody seemed to care very much. However, as I said before, the Deacon came back very quickly and helped get things in the carriage.

"By the way, Deacon," said Mr. Trevellyan, "what time do we start and which way do we go? You know I have left everything of that kind to you."

"Four-thirty," said the Deacon, in a cheerful sort of way, "and by the Michigan Central Railroad. It is the only way to go. But never mind about the advantages to be gained by going over this remarkable route. I will tell you all about it when we get on the train."

And so they bundled into the carriage, and within a few minutes the entire party was seated in one of the magnificent palace cars which are attached to the Michigan Central Limited Express.

"All aboard!" shouted the conductor. "We're off," smiled the Deacon. The big clock in the depot struck the half after four, and the magnificent train composed of five sleepers, three coaches, a palace dining car and a couple of baggage cars, slowly pulled out of the station.

May and Nellie glued their noses to the window, and their delight as they whizzed through the beautiful suburbs of South Chicago, seemed unbounded. With Lake Michigan, tranquil and glittering with the rays of a summer sun, on one side, and a succession of lovely suburban residences on the other, the sight was a most lovely one. A few minutes later the train was flying through green fields and beautiful woods.

"Here, children," suddenly cried the Deacon from the other side of the car, "come quick and see the magic city of Pullman." In a minute May was on one of the Deacon's knees and Nellie on the other, and the train passed rapidly by the most wonderful evidence of modern enterprise.

"Three years ago," said the Deacon, in answer to an enquiring look of admiration in the children's eyes, "the ground on which stands this most beautiful city, which is without doubt the model city of the world, was nothing but a swamp. See what it is now. Some day, when we get back home, I will bring you here and let you learn more closely what the creator of the beautiful place which bears the name of Pullman has done for his country."

A minute later the train flew past Kensington, and then fairly started on its iron way for its first stopping place, Michigan City, better known as the City of Sand. Then came Niles, with its wonderful bridge and its fairy valley. Then Kalamazoo, the biggest village in the world, and the flower bed of creation. Then Marshall, Battle Creek and Jackson, the latter place the centre of railway industry of the beautiful State of Michigan. Then Ann Arbor, where is situated the University of the State of Michigan, and then, last, but not least, Detroit.

By this time, of course, the babies had been tucked in bed. The Deacon had taken them into the dining car and feasted them with all the inexhaustible luxuries for which these cars on the Michigan Central R. R. are so famous.

Then the colored porter having made up their beds they were soon fast asleep and dreaming of the treat in store for the morrow.

The Deacon, however, was determined at least that his grown-up friends should lose none of the beauties of the trip, and so he insisted that Mr. and Mrs. Trevellyan should remain up until they had crossed the famous Detroit River. The night was a beautiful one, and they were amply rewarded by witnessing one of the most thoroughly picturesque pieces of scenery in the world. The entire train was placed on one of the immense ferry steamers, and the landing shortly afterwards made at Windsor, a picturesque and quaint little town on the Canadian side of the river. At this point commences the Canada Southern Division of the Michigan Central Railroad, famous alike for the magnificence of its equipment and smoothness of track. Here our friends, so to speak, turned in, and it was only a few minutes before every one on board was fast asleep.

The next thing was the morning sun and Niagara Falls. The run had been made from Chicago in the remarkable time of fifteen hours.

"Oh, how good of you, Deacon Fitney," said little May a short while later, as standing on a verandah of Joe ---- House, she gazed with rapture at the Falls in all their splendor; "how good of you to bring us to such a nice place and by such a delightful road."

"I am glad you like it," said the Deacon, with a smile; "but you must not credit me with too much goodness, for I could hardly have brought you by any other way. The Michigan Central road is the only direct road running to the Falls, and you could hardly expect that I could take you there by any line which is not entirely the best."

Mr. and Mrs. Trevellyan heartily joined May in her expressions of thanks to the Deacon, and more than endorsed every word he had said in praise of the wonderful Michigan Central Limited Express.

They spent the day at the Falls--a day of merry sunshine and happiness. The Falls never looked grander and nature never smiled with more sweetness. The time passed only too quickly, and when the children stepped on the cars once more to return to Chicago it was with a twinge of regret which was only offset by the knowledge that they had another delightful trip in store for them on the Michigan Central Road.

Now May has the following time table hung up among her pictures on the wall in her bed room. She says it serves to remind her of one of the happiest days of her life. Above it, in a baby's handwriting, she has scrawled:

"THE ONLY WAY TO GO EAST FROM CHICAGO IS BY THE
MICHIGAN CENTRAL R.R."

* * * * *

=Train No. 10.--Fast New York Express.=--Leaves Chicago EVERY DAY at 4.30 p. m. and consists of one First Class Smoking Car, one First Class Day Coach, one =Dining Car= and =three Palace Sleeping Cars=, running on following time:

Leaves Chicago 4.30 p. m. Sund. Mond. Tues. Wed.
" Jackson 10.54 p. m. " " " "
Arrives Detroit 1.00 a. m. Mond. Tues. Wednes. Thurs.
" St. Thomas 4.20 " " " " "
" Toronto, via C. V. Ry. 9.30 " " " " "
" Toronto, via G. W. R. 9.30 " " " " "
" Niagara Falls 8.30 " " " " "
" Buffalo 8.15 " " " " "
" Rochester, via N. Y. C. 11.10 " " " " "
" Syracuse, " 1.30 p. m. " " " "
" Utica, " 3.00 " " " " "
" Albany, " 5.50 " " " " "
" Troy, " 7.00 " " " " "
" New York, " 10.00 " " " " "
" Hornellsville, via Erie 12.30 " " " " "
" Elmira, " 1.50 " " " " "
" Binghamton, " 3.00 " " " " "
" New York, " 10.00 " " " " "
" Philadelphia, via L. V. 10.20 " " " " "
" Boston, via B. & A. 6.25 a. m. Tues. Wednes. Thurs. Friday.

Leaves Chicago 4.30 p. m. Thurs. Friday. Satur.
" Jackson 10.54 p. m. " " "
Arrives Detroit 1.00 a. m. Friday. Satur. Sunday.
" St. Thomas 4.20 " " " "
" Toronto, via C. V. Ry. 9.30 " " " [1]
" Toronto, via G. W. R. 9.30 " " " [1]
" Niagara Falls 8.30 " " " "
" Buffalo 8.15 " " " "
" Rochester, via N. Y. C. 11.10 " " " "
" Syracuse, " 1.30 p. m. " " "
" Utica, " 3.00 " " " "
" Albany, " 5.50 " " " "
" Troy, " 7.00 " " " "
" New York, " 10.00 " " " "
" Hornellsville, via Erie 12.30 " " " "
" Elmira, " 1.50 " " " "
" Binghamton, " 3.00 " " " "
" New York, " 10.00 " " " "
" Philadelphia, via L. V. 10.20 " " " [1]
" Boston, via B. & A. 6.25 a. m. Satur. Sunday. [2]

[1] Does not arrive on Sunday.

[2] Does not arrive on Monday.

This train, leaving Chicago one hour later than heretofore, makes a much surer connection with Western lines.

The Smoking Car, Day Coach and one Sleeping Car run through to Buffalo via M. C.; one Sleeping Car runs through to Toronto via M. C. and Credit Valley Railways; one Sleeping Car runs through to New York via M. C. and N. Y. C. The Dining Car serves dinner out of Chicago at 5 o'clock; train arrives in Buffalo in good season for breakfast.

This train has attached at Detroit a Through Sleeping Car from St. Louis to New York, via W., St. L. & P., M. C. and N. Y. C., that makes quicker through time than any other line; and also a Sleeping Car from Detroit to Syracuse that is placed in Detroit depot about 9 p. m. Passengers can enter their berths any time after that hour.

Connects with Grand Trunk trains in Detroit.

Connection with Pullman Car for New York and Philadelphia, via Erie, leaving Buffalo at 9.15 a. m., and also with Buffalo, New York and Philadelphia, leaving at 8.20 a. m.

Connects at Albany with through sleeper for Boston via B. & A., leaving at 8.40 p. m.

No second class passengers are carried on this train.

=NOTE.--No extra charge is made on Michigan Central Fast Express.=

* * * * *

May's advice is very excellent. She says the Michigan Central is the best road in the United States and she knows what she is talking about.

WM. S. EATON, Treasurer. J. C. CONVERSE, President.

NATIONAL TUBE WORKS COMPANY;
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* * * * *

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A

Parody

on Patience

[Sidenote: illustrated by H. W. McVickar]

By _D. DALZIEL_,

EDITOR OF THE CHICAGO NEWS LETTER.

* * * * *

DRAWN & PRINTED IN COLORS BY _WEMPLE & CO. ☼ LITHOGRAPHERS_, New York.]

·:A PARODY:·

·on·

•PATIENCE•

(_Respectfully dedicated to the Conductors of the Chicago & Alton
Railroad._)

(BY D. DALZIEL, EDITOR OF THE CHICAGO NEWS LETTER.)

SCENE--_The Exterior of a Railroad Depot_.

(_Enter_ ANGELA, ELLA _and_ SAPHIR, _and a number of æsthetic young
women._)

ANGELA--There is a strange magic in this love of ours. Rivals, as we all are, in the affections of our Reginald, the very hopelessness of our love is a bond that binds us to one another. (_All sigh._)

JANE--Fools, yes, fools. Know ye not that this man never can be yours? He loves another, and that other is PATIENCE. (_General misery._)

ANGELA--Patience, the young woman who milks the cow and sleeps in the stable! Surely the gentleman's taste must be a trifle unæsthetic.

JANE--You must not question his motive. He is utterly transcendent in all he does. But the milkmaid, as you say, is indeed a little beneath the regard of one so truly too.

ALL--Indeed she is. (_They all sigh._)

PATIENCE--(_Appears at background and looks with contempt upon the lot. She then comes down._) What is the matter, girls, are you ill?

ALL--No, we are in love. (_More misery._)

PATIENCE--I know not what love is.

ANGELA--Ah, Patience, if you have never loved you have never known true happiness. (_All sigh._)

PATIENCE--But the truly happy seem to have so much on their mind. The truly happy never seem quite well. But I have some news for you. The Railroad Conductors' Annual Picnic will be held here to-day, and the young men in their gorgeous uniforms are now on their way to this spot.

ANGELA--(_Contemptuously._) Railroad conductors!

SAPHIR--I am told they are men of very full habits.

ELLA--We care nothing for railroad conductors.

(_Exit the ladies in sorrowful procession. Enter the railroad
conductors. They march around to chorus._)

The conductors of our land are linked in friendly tether,
Upon the railroad train they make their friends together;
There every mother's son prepared to make a friend is.
The comrade of one, The comrade of all is,
The comrade of one, The comrade of all is.

(_Enter the Grand Commander of the Order of Conductors_, COLONEL
BLUE, _of the Chicago & Alton Railroad_.)

G· C·--(_Sings._)

When I first put this uniform on
I said as I looked in the glass,
It's one to a million, that any civilian
My figure and form will surpass.
Gold lace has a charm for the fair,
And I've plenty of that, and to spare.
While a lover's professions,
When uttered on Hessians
Are eloquent ev'rywhere;
A fact that I counted upon
When I first put this uniform on.

CHORUS.

By a simple coincidence, few
Could ever have reckoned upon,
The same thing occurred to us, too,
When we first put this uniform on.

linked

in friendly

tether]

G· C·--

I said when I first put it on,
It's plain to the veriest dunce,
That every beauty
Will feel it her duty
To yield to the Alton at once.
They will see that I'm freely gold laced,
In a uniform handsome and chaste,
And a gentleman connected with the Chicago and Alton
Should be very much to their taste;
A fact that I counted upon
When I first put this uniform on.

CHORUS.

By a simple coincidence, few
Could ever have reckoned upon,
The same thing occurred to us, too,
When we first put this uniform on.

(_Enter_ PATIENCE.)

PATIENCE--How strangely handsome these conductors are, but I dare not address them.

G· C·--Fair maiden, you seem alarmed at our intrusion.

PATIENCE.--Not at all. Only awed. I am not accustomed to so much glitter.

G· C·--(_Proudly._) You flatter, fair maid, but we are accustomed to it. We are conductors. That speaks for our brilliant appearance.

PATIENCE.--And what is a conductor?

G· C·--Do you mean it? Listen and I will give you the recipe for a first-class Chicago and Alton conductor. (_Sings._)

If you want a recipe for that popular mystery
Usually known as an Alton road man,
Take all the remarkable people in history,
Mix them all up in a rhyming stewpan;
The pluck of a brakeman on board of a freight train,
Genius of agents devising a plan,
The humor of Jay Gould (when in a cut rate vein),
Coolness of Vanderbilt leading the clan;
The science of Howgate, the eminent Arctico;
Wit of Abe Lincoln, good Illinois man;
Pathos of Paddy, just out on a lark to go;
Style of the Bishop of Saskatchewan;
The dash of a D'Orsay divested of quackery,
Narrative powers of Dickens and Thackeray.
Victor Emmanuel, peak-hunting Peveril,
Thomas A-qui-nas and Doctor Sa-che-verell,
Tupper and Tennyson, Daniel De-Foe,
Anthony Trollope and Mister Guizot.

Take of these elements all that is fusible,
Melt 'em all down in a pipkin or crucible,
Set 'em to simmer and take off the scum,
And an Alton conductor is the re-si-du-um.

If you want a receipt for this railroad like Paragon,
Get at the wealth of Jim Fair (if you can);
The family pride of a Blue Blood from Lexington,
Force of Mephisto pronouncing a ban,
A smack of young Lorillard, reckless and rollicky,
Swagger of Kearney leading his gang,
The keen penetration of Paddington Pollaky;
Grace of an odalisque on a divan;
The essence delightful of utter civility,
Graceful and pleasant lacking servility;
Flavor of Hamlet; Charles Surface, a touch of him;
Little of Romeo, but not very much of him,--
Beautiful dressed, all buttons and lace,
Air of a nobleman, exquisite face.

"Marry me fair maiden,
from my heart t'will take a load."]

Take of these elements all that is fusible
Melt 'em all down in a pipkin or crucible,
Set 'em to simmer and take off the scum,
And an Alton conductor is the residuum.

(_Exit_ CONDUCTORS.)

PATIENCE--Such a person as he describes must be truly interesting. But who comes here? One of them, I declare. I must depart. Oh! I must depart.

(_Enter_ GROSVENOR, _sings_.)

HE.

Pretty, pretty maiden, look upon this breast;
Hey, but I'm doleful, willow, willow waly!
I belong to the best line that's running in the West;
Hey, willow waly, oh!
Competition, we defy it;
Let those who doubt me, try it;
Hey, willow waly, oh!

SHE.

Judging by your words, sir, it's the Alton Road you mean;
Hey, but he's doleful, willow, willow waly!
I'm well aware of the fact, strange as it may seem;
Hey, willow waly, oh!
You've much to recommend you,
If the Alton Road befriend you;
Hey, willow, waly, oh!

⁂

GROSVENOR--Oh, Patience, you will break my heart. Don't you know me?

PATIENCE--No, although I have seen people dressed like you before, I do not think that would entitle me to say I knew you.

GROSVENOR--Don't you remember your little playfellow, Archibald? He who used to take you to excursions by the Chicago & Alton to St. Louis?

PATIENCE--Can it be--why, yes, it must be Archibald. I am glad to see you. The remembrance of those visits to St. Louis is still fresh in my memory. So fresh that it is not at all necessary for me to go there again to renew them. But you are changed.

GROSVENOR--I am somewhat taller than when I first knew you; remember that it is nigh on to thir-r-ty years since first we met by the village stream. Ah, Patience, the time has passed lightly enough on me, but with you it is very different.

PATIENCE--And how handsome _you_ look.

GROSVENOR--You are quite right, Patience (_drawing himself up_). I am a Chicago & Alton Railroad Conductor, and _they_ are all very beautiful.

PATIENCE--And that uniform, Archibald!

GROSVENOR--(_Sighs_) Ah, that is the bane of my life. It has the curse of fatal perfection. Since I first put it on I dare not go through the cars and collect tickets without an escort. All the women I meet fall madly in love with me. At the country depot when my train goes through, the entire female population flock out to get a glimpse at me. The life is one of torment.

PATIENCE--Then why do you not cast it away from you, and make yourself a commonplace person like the conductors of other roads?

GROSVENOR--No, Patience, that would be wrong. I have a mission in life. If it be my fortune to be the handsomest conductor on the finest railroad in the World, who am I that I should withhold the contemplation of my gifts from others? But will you love and marry me, Patience?

PATIENCE--(_Pointing to the sign on his hat bearing inscription Chicago & Alton conductor. Sings very much after La Mascotte._)

SHE.

When I behold that magic sign a sweet joy agitates me.

HE.

Ah, Patience, you are right; this uniform must captivate thee.

SHE.

When I look on those beauteous words just like a little chick I
tremble.

HE.

The Alton is the greatest line, 'tis useless to dissemble.

SHE.

That more than other roads I love.

HE.

After that 'tis surely you I love.

SHE.

When the engine sounds its puff, puff, puff, puff, puff, puff.

HE.

When the whistle sounds its "WHEW!"

⁂

SHE.

When I look on that braid and buttons a strange awe overcomes me.

HE.

Ah, Patience, 'tis not strange this uniform becomes me.

SHE.

Since I find you are an Alton man, I'll marry now instead of later.

HE.

If Patience did not love that road, I'm sure that I should hate her.

SHE.

That more than other roads I love.

HE.

After that 'tis surely you I love.

SHE.

When the agent sweetly murmurs, Tickets, tickets, tickets.

HE.

When the brakeman gently gasps, How-oo-l-ng
changekyarsfromummmsbrymummumspassgersfiminitsfreshments.

⁂

GROSVENOR--Then you will marry me, Patience? Ah, this is too much! (_Goes to clasp her in his arms._)

PATIENCE--But stop. I never thought of this. Love to be pure must be unselfish. If I marry you I shall deprive others of your beautiful presence, and the travelling public will know you no more. That would be selfish, and therefore I must not love you.

GROSVENOR--Oh, fatal perfection, again you stand in the way of my happiness; but you are right, Patience, you are right. (_Sings._)

HE.

Marry me, fair maiden, from my heart 'twill take a load
Hey, but I'm hopeful, willow, willow waly,
I'm the handsomest conductor on the Chicago & Alton Road;
Hey, willow waly, oh!
My salary is modest,
My intentions are quite honest;
Hey, willow waly, oh!

SHE.

Gentle sir, 'tis true, 'twould be difficult to find:
Hey, but he's hopeful, willow, willow waly,
A personage more handsome and perfect in his mind
Hey, willow waly, oh!
Still I would not marry,
So, prithee do not tarry;
Hey, willow waly, oh!

(_Exit_ PATIENCE _sobbing_. GROSVENOR _remains in an attitude of grief._)

GROSVENOR--(_after a pause_). It must be written. The only woman I love is denied me while all others that I do not love are showered at my head. Perhaps some of you may envy my condition. If you do, follow this little bit of advice and you may soon find yourself as burdened with love as I am. (_Sings._)

If you're anxious for to shine in the highest railroad line as a man
of genius rare,
You must get up all the germs of the grandest railroad terms and
plant them everywhere;
You must smile at all the ladies, and be good to all the babies in a
manner that is most kind;
It really doesn't matter how much they cry and chatter or if they
talk you deaf and blind.
And everyone will say
As you walk your cheerful way,
If this young man behaves himself in the manner that we see,
Why, what a very singularly nice young man this Alton man must be!

⁂

* * * * *

GRIFFIN & WELLS FOUNDRY CO.

RAILROAD CAR, ENGINE AND STREET CAR WHEELS.

Annual Capacity, 50,000 Wheels.

Rates Secured and Shipments made to all parts of the West and
South. Contracts made for Yearly or Other Supply. Mileage or Time
Guarantee Given. All Orders and Correspondence will receive prompt
attention. References furnished.

OFFICE AND WORKS:
Paulina St., South of Blue Island Ave. CHICAGO.

* * * * *

THOS. F. GRIFFIN & SONS,

MANUFACTURERS OF

CAR WHEELS AND CASTINGS

OFFICE AND WORKS: }
Cor. of Forest Ave. and N. Y. C. & H. R. R. R. } BUFFALO, N. Y.

* * * * *

GRIFFIN CAR WHEEL CO.

RAILROAD CAR WHEELS AND CASTINGS.

Annual Capacity, 100,000 Wheels. 10,000 Tons Castings.

Rates Secured and Shipments made to all parts of the United States.
Special attention given to Car and Engine Wheels for Railroad Use.
Mileage Guaranteed. Contracts made for Yearly or Other Supply.
Correspondence Solicited.

OFFICE AND WORKS: }
Cor. Foundry St. & Michigan Central R.R. } DETROIT, MICH.

* * * * *

THE

GRIFFIN WHEEL

MANUFACTURED BY

GRIFFIN CAR WHEEL CO.

DETROIT, MICH.

GRIFFIN & WELLS FOUNDRY CO.

CHICAGO, ILL.

THOS. F. GRIFFIN & SON,

BUFFALO, N. Y.

COMBINED DAILY CAPACITY,

800 Wheels per Day and 60 Tons Castings.

EXTRA HEAVY WHEELS FOR ENGINE AND
PASSENGER SERVICE.

ALL MILEAGE GUARANTEED.

* * * * *

Be attentive to the old, don't growl and never scold, but to all be
just and fair,
And convince 'em if you can that the conductors of your road are
fraught with culture rare.
Take your tickets with a smile, whatever may be there to guile, and
teach them all to pine
For the exquisite politeness of the affable conductors of the
Chicago and Alton Line.
And everyone will say
As you walk your mystic way,
If everything connected with the Alton Road is as good as what I see,
Oh, what a very cultivated sort of road this Alton Road must be!

⁂

Be kind in disposition, bear in mind that your position is one in
which you shine,
As a man of great perfection on account of your connection with the
Chicago and Alton Line
Though the emigrants may jostle, you will rank as an apostle in a
high æsthetic band
You always must remember that you are a valued member of the
railroad of the land.
And everyone will say,
As you walk your stately way
If he's a sample of the Alton Road, the Alton Road, oh, me!
Why, what a very cultivated sort of road the Alton road must be!

(_Re-enter maidens fair and numerous._)

ANGELA--This love for yon young Grosvenor is joy. (_All sigh._)

(GROSVENOR _starts and endeavors to escape but is prevented_.)

GROSVENOR--Really, ladies, you must excuse me, I have to meet a fellow.

ALL--We know, but deign us a few moments of your precious time. Let us gaze upon your beauteous exterior, if only for a brief while.

GROSVENOR--But, ladies, to what end? I never can be yours. Of course it is my duty to let you gaze on me as you would gaze on any other beautiful product of nature, else why am I in this world? But you cannot turn me from my love. Remember the story of the old man and the railroad runners.

ALL--But we don't know the story of the old man and the railroad runners.

GROSVENOR--Don't you? Then I'll sing it to you.

_Sings._

An old man sat in a railroad shop,
And all around was a loving crop
Of runners and agents with smile sublime,
Working that man for their favorite line.
But for agents the old man felt no whim;
Tho' he charmed them they charmed not him;
From agents and runners and smiles he strode,
For he'd set his love on the Alton Road.
The Alton Road,
The Alton Road.
Their most æsthetic, peripatetic
Fancies this way ran:
If others we wheedle, why, we indeed'll
Wheedle this queer old man.

CHORUS:

Their most æsthetic, peripatetic
Fancies this way ran.
If others we wheedle, why we indeed'll
Wheedle this queer old man.

⁂

The runners and agents expressed surprise;
The conductors opened their well-drilled eyes.
The runners, they felt shut up, no doubt,
And the agents they found themselves cut out.
But the queer old man was as solid as stone,
"It's the Alton Road that takes me home"
That's what he cried, that queer old boy.
"And it's the only road that gives me joy."

A Pullman Car young man.]

Another grim old man,
A sooty & jolly old man,
"I tends to the boiler;
Sometimes I oil her,"
A C. & A. stoker old man.]

"A Dainty, Timid young man
A handle-your-baggage young man."]

That queer old man,
That queer old man.
These most æsthetic, peripatetic
Runners skipped and ran;
For by no means ever can agent ever
Corrupt that queer old man.

CHORUS:

These most æsthetic, peripatetic
Runners skipped and ran;
For by no means ever can agent ever
Corrupt that queer old man.

(_All off dancing except_ GROSVENOR, _who remains seated on a
trunk checked through to San Francisco via the Chicago and Alton_.
_He is buried in reverie. Enter back the Grand Commander of the
Conductors' Association_, COLONEL BLUE.)

G· C·--There he is--he, a simple conductor, and yet he cut us all out. Even I, the Grand Commander of all conductors, even I am cut out. But it must end, and end now. (_Comes down to_ GROSVENOR.) Ah! so we meet at last.

GROSVENOR--Happy man.

G· C·--None of that nonsense with me, and now to business. Ever since you joined our band, things have gone wrong. Before you came the women loved _me_--yes, sir, _me_, and they followed _me_ about everywhere, and now you have come and everything is changed. It is you they run after, but I tell you it must cease.

GROSVENOR--Is it my fault if they all fall in love with me? You, of course, who are not endowed with all the disadvantages of beauty, cannot know what I have to put up with.

G· C·--Then change it all--destroy your beauty!

GROSVENOR--That would be impossible.

G· C·--Cut your hair, let your beard grow, get another uniform, and, in fact, make yourself a commonplace young man.

GROSVENOR--Again I say that would be impossible.

G· C·--Do you know that I am a bad man when I am crossed? If you do not do what I desire, perhaps I might curse you. (GROSVENOR _starts_.) Ah me.

GROSVENOR--It cannot be.

G· C·--Then beware--may the curse of your aunt be upon you. Ah, ha!

GROSVENOR--I have no aunt.

G· C·--Then may the curse of your grandmother be upon you. Ah, ha!

GROSVENOR--I never had a grandmother.

G· C·--I will have you expelled from our order, I will have you blackballed from every benevolent association in the land, I will lay traps to humiliate you, I will bring misery and disgrace upon your family, I will cause your financial ruin, and I will kill the girl you love.

GROSVENOR--(_indifferently_) I care not.

G· C·--I will have you discharged from the Chicago & Alton Railroad Company.

GROSVENOR--(_Goes on his knees and shrieks_) Oh, say not so!

G· C·--Ah, ha! but I do say so.

GROSVENOR--Oh, be merciful as you are strong. Beat me, ruin me, kill me, but do not let me leave the Alton.

G· C·--Then do as I command you; become a commonplace young man.

GROSVENOR--I will, but remember that I do it on compulsion. (_Sings._)

A most unique young man,
Who runs the car young man,
Polite to the ladies
And kind to the babies,
A remarkably nice young man.

Who sells you a ticket
Through a nice little wicket
A thoroughly Alton man.]

Conceive me if you can,
A C. & A. young man,
Who is lavish in dress,
And runs the express,
A most unique young man.

⁂

A highly colored young man,
A Pullman car young man,
Whose name is Dalton;
Who runs on the Alton,
A thoro' bred black-and-tan.

Conceive me if you can,
A button and lace young man,
Who tends to yer' daughters,
Looks arter yer' quarters,
A most polite young man.

⁂

A grimy, rough old man,
A tough and bluff old man,
Who swears like an Injun,
And runs the engine,
A Chicago and Alton man.

Conceive me if you dare,
A whizzing thro' the air,
A puffing and blowing,
Raining or snowing,
And every time I'm there.

⁂

Another grim old man,
A sooty and jolly old man,
"I tends to the boiler;
Sometimes I oil her,"
A C. & A. stoker old man.

Conceive me if you can,
A spruce and clean old man;
It's only a fable,
I know you're not able,
I'm such a sooty old man.

⁂

A dainty, timid young man,
A handle-your-baggage young man,
Who never does smash it,
And never says dash it,
A typical C. & A. man.

Conceive me if you can,
A most polite young man,
Who's always urbane,
And never profane,
A Y. M. C. A. young man.

⁂

A suave and bland young man,
A scented and puffed young man
Who sells you a ticket,
Thro' a nice little wicket,
A thoroughly Alton man.

Conceive me if you can,
A most urbane young man.
Correct in my money,
Sweet as new honey,
A perfectly good young man.

⁂

GENERAL CHORUS.

We're all of us railroad men,
Genial, jolly-souled men;
Some of us pretty,
All of us witty,
Chicago & Alton men.

Conceive us if you will,
Jolly old bucks, but still
We're always on time,
And belong to the line
That's right on the top of the hill.

(_Exit_ GROSVENOR, _dancing_. _Enter_ PATIENCE.)

G· C·--Ah, Patience, I am glad you are here. I will again renew my suit.

PATIENCE--I sew no more, Grand Commander; I am a dairy maid now.

G· C·--I do not mean that, fair Patience; I mean that I will again renew my request for your hand. Will you marry me?

PATIENCE--Do you drink?

G· C·--I do.

PATIENCE--Are you a gambler?

G· C·--I am.

PATIENCE--Do you smoke and chew tobacco, pick your teeth with a pin, wear dirty collars, sit on saloon railings, shake dice for the drinks in basement ginshops, and borrow money from your friends?

G· C·--I do.

PATIENCE--Do you write scurrilous anonymous letters about your female relatives in the newspapers? Do you malign your friends, act the part of a professional witness in divorce cases, and systematically breed trouble in happy domestic circles?

G· C·--I do.

PATIENCE--Then I will marry you. I cannot love you, but I will marry you.

G· C·--That makes no difference as long as you will marry me.

(_Enter_ GROSVENOR _as a commonplace conductor on the Chicago &
Alton Railroad, accompanied by_ ANGELA, SAPHIR, _and others_.)

GROSVENOR--(_Sings._)

Conceive me if you can,
An every-day young man,
A commonplace type,
With a stick and a pipe,
An every-day young man.

PATIENCE--What is this I see, Grosvenor--Archibald with his hair cut! Oh, Archibald, is it you? Can it be that you are indeed a common person once more?

GROSVENOR--It is. I am still connected with the Chicago & Alton Railroad, it is true, but I am once more a commonplace young man.

PATIENCE--Then to love you would not be selfish, Archibald, I have promised to marry the Grand Commander if I live or die; but that makes no difference, I love you and am yours forever.

G· C·--This is too much. Then I am jilted?

PATIENCE--Do not let that worry you, Grand Commander. You will find another who will be ready to appreciate the many advantages to be derived from a marriage with a man of your attainments.

(ANGELA, SAPHIR, _and other fair maidens together_.)

Yes, choose from among us.

(_Enter conductors--each one takes a fair one under his wing._)

GROSVENOR--May you all be happy, and may you all live to learn that to be perfectly utter in your walk of life, the goal has been reached when you become a conductor on the Chicago & Alton Railroad.

ALL--We know it.

(QUICK CURTAIN.)

SHUMWAY, BURGESS & CO.

BOLT MAKERS.

BOLT HEADING AND NUT TAPPING MACHINES FOR SALE.

COR. MICHIGAN AND FRANKLIN STS.,

CHICAGO.

* * * * *

VULCAN IRON WORKS, 80 to 90 N. Clinton St., Chicago.

Steam Excavators.--RAILROAD CAR PILE DRIVERS--Steam Derricks.

FITTED UP WITH

SKINNER'S PATENT STEAM HAMMERS,

A very effective machine,--simple, automatic and durable,--with recent improvements.

CHICAGO & ALTON RAILROAD COMPANY,
OFFICE OF GENERAL ROADMASTER,

BLOOMINGTON, ILL., Oct. 30, 1882.

W. H. WARRINGTON, ESQ., President Vulcan Iron Works.--DEAR SIR: The Skinner Pile Driver Hammer, built by your Company, has been in use on our Pile Driver Car since last April, and we are much pleased with its work. It has always given entire satisfaction, doing the work effectively and economically. Respectfully yours,

W. RILEY,
Gen'l Roadmaster.

* * * * *

THE CHICAGO VARNISH CO.

Manufacturers of the Celebrated

"STANDARD RAILWAY VARNISHES."

Verdict of more than Thirty Roads now using them;

"UNEQUALED FOR RAILWAY PURPOSES."

OFFICE,--204 PINE STREET,--CHICAGO.

* * * * *

MEACHAM & WRIGHT,

MANUFACTURERS' AGENTS FOR

UTICA AND LOUISVILLE

HYDRAULIC CEMENTS,

AND DEALERS IN

Lime, Michigan and New York Stucco and Portland Cement,

98 MARKET STREET,

TELEPHONE 434. CHICAGO.

* * * * *

A. E. ADAMS, Prest. and Treas.
L. WILKINSON, Supt.
FRED. M. STEELE, Secy.

CHICAGO FORGE & BOLT CO.

MANUFACTURERS OF

LOCOMOTIVE AND CAR AXLES,

_Bridge and Dock Rods_,

Equalizing Bars, Shafting & Stonework of all Kinds, Plates,
Washers, Angles,

Bolts and Hot Pressed Nuts of Every Description.

Telephone No. 5098. Under Tremont House.]

CHICAGO. WORKS AT SOUTH CHICAGO.
Telephone No. 9846.

* * * * *

JONES & LAUGLINS.

MANUFACTURERS OF

BAR, SHEET AND PLATE IRON,

Bridge Iron, Cut Nails and Spikes, Railroad and
Boat Spikes, Light T Rails, Patent Cold
Rolled Shafting, Patent Cold Rolled
Iron and Steel Piston Rods,
Coupling Links and Pins.

DEALERS IN

RAILWAY SUPPLIES

AND HEAVY HARDWARE.

Lake and Canal Sts.,--- Chicago.

* * * * *

CHICAGO AND NEW YORK.

The two cities above named are the great commercial centers of the United States, the former containing in the vicinity of 650,000 inhabitants, and the latter about 1,500,000. The number of people actually in Chicago at any one time would doubtless range far above these figures, as its floating or transient population is enormous, running up into figures that can hardly be credited. The traffic passing between these two cities daily is very large when one considers that they are within a fraction of 1,000 miles apart. Boston also has a large traffic with Chicago, and to give an idea of the accommodations necessary to provide for the passenger business alone between the three cities, we may state that the

Michigan Central Railroad,

which is the principal thoroughfare between the cities named, runs five express trains daily--three on Sundays--made up of fine new day coaches, smoking cars, drawing-room cars, palatial sleeping cars.

The Michigan Central Railroad has always held a foremost place amongst the lines between Chicago and the Atlantic sea-board, and the latest addition to their accommodations in the shape of four new Dining Cars will greatly strengthen its position.

These new cars are incomparable for beauty of design and selectness of adornments, all the elegancies of art having been exhausted to produce the most desirable effect. That the end has been gained, goes without saying, and they stand to-day as far in advance of other Dining Cars as the first Dining Cars were in advance of the lunch counters at wayside stations.

The _cuisine_ is quite on a par with the finish of the cars, and all that may minister to the nourishment of the body, or tickle the palate of the most discriminating epicures, will be found therein.

Other great features of the Michigan Central Railroad are that its through trains for New York and Boston run out of Chicago along the Michigan Lake front within a stone's throw of the city's costliest mansions, through South Park and the magic city of Pullman, affording an extensive survey of this marvel of a marvelous age, and later passing in full view of Niagara Falls. It is for this latter reason known to all travelers as "The Niagara Falls Route."

* * * * *

"A TEMPLE OF COMMERCE AND ART."

THE NEW PREMISES OF

A. S. GAGE & CO.

Wabash Avenue, Corner Adams Street,

CHICAGO.

FANCY DRY GOODS,

CORSETS, WHITE GOODS, HOSIERY, NOTIONS

AND

MILLINERY.

* * * * *

KNISELY & MILLER,

SLATE, TIN AND IRON ROOFERS,

MANUFACTURERS OF

_The Hayes Patent Skylight, Conservatories, etc. Galvanized Iron
Cornices, Corrugated Iron for Roofing, etc. Iron Crestings and
Finials._

Special attention given to first-class work. Send for Illustrated
Catalogue and Prices.

68 to 74 W. Monroe Street,--CHICAGO.

* * * * *

B. V. PAGE. S. A. BAKER.

B. V. PAGE & CO.

MANUFACTURERS OF

Lard Oil, Neats Foot Oil and Cotton Waste

DEALERS IN

LUBRICATING AND BURNING OILS,

FACTORY, 44 TO 54 ERIE STREET,

Office, 40 Michigan Avenue, CHICAGO, ILL.

* * * * *

CRANE BROS. MANF'G COMPANY,

MANUFACTURERS OF

Standard Weight, Lap-Weld Wrought Iron Pipe,

_STEAM PUMPS_,

Steam and Gas Fittings, Steam and Hydraulic Freight and Passenger

ELEVATORS

STEAM HOISTING ENGINES FOR FURNACES, MINES, ETC.

General Offices, 10 North Jefferson Street,

SEND FOR CATALOGUE. CHICAGO, ILL.

* * * * *

OTIS IRON AND STEEL CO.

CLEVELAND, OHIO.

MANUFACTURERS OF

Steel Boiler and Fire-Box Plate

STEEL AXLES AND FORGINGS.

AGENTS

JOHN H. BELCHER, 44 Astor House Offices, New York.
JOHN V. AYERS' SONS, Chicago.
ANDREW WARREN, St. Louis.
HUNTINGTON HOPKINS & CO., San Francisco.

* * * * *

BURKE, WALKER & CO.

WHOLESALE

DRY GOODS,

230, 232, 234 AND 236 ADAMS STREET,

CHICAGO.

* * * * *

GOVERNMENT GOODS DEPOT.

INGRAM, KITCHEN & WILLIAMS,

Quartermaster and Ordnance Stores,

GENERAL MERCHANDISE COMMISSION,

77 & 79 Madison St., CHICAGO.

_Manufacturers and Dealers in_

MILITARY AND BAND UNIFORMS AND EQUIPMENTS,

Knight Templars' Uniforms and Supplies,

POLICE, FIREMEN AND SOCIETY CLOTHING, UNIFORM HATS AND CAPS.

Tents, Camp Equipage, Awnings and Wagon Covers,

MILITARY SADDLES, CARRIAGE, WAGON AND CART HARNESS.

RAILROAD UNIFORMS A SPECIALTY.

* * * * *

E.S. ALEXANDER & CO.

SOLE MANUFACTURERS OF

ALEXANDER'S

Four Ace Preserving Paint.

For more than _twenty years_ this paint has been in general use by master mechanics, master car builders and chief engineers upon the principal railroads in this country, who have pronounced it _superior_ to any paint they have ever used, for the many purposes to which it has been applied, viz.: For painting _car roofs_, the _upper_ face and _outside_ of _car sills_, the _mortise_ and _tenon_ when building or repairing cars, the _outside_ of locomotive boilers before the lag is put on, the inside of _locomotive tanks_ to protect the iron from rust, the inside of _pits of tenders_ to protect the iron from the injurious effects of the coal, _trucks_, _wheels_, _bridge timbers_, _turn tables_, the _inside_ of _station water tanks_, _roofs of buildings_, _etc._, _etc._ It penetrates wood, forming a body in the same, which _no other paint does_. Is _impervious_ to _water_, and the _best preserver_ known.

The foundation of this paint is _creosote_, which in its nature, is very _penetrating_ and the best known _preserver_. It is mixed ready for use, and _one gallon_ of _this paint_ will cover _twice_ the _surface_ of any other paint in use. This paint is very extensively used for painting _vessel hulls_.

Books with full particulars will be sent to parties, by addressing

E.S. ALEXANDER & CO., Chicago, Ills.

* * * * *

MARSHALL FIELD & CO.

WHOLESALE. RETAIL.

Madison and Market sts. State and Washington sts.

CHICAGO.

_Dry Goods_, _Cloaks_, _Costumes_, _Shawls_,
_Furs_, _Woolens_, _Notions_,

_Men's_, _Women's_, _and Children's_

_Furnishing Goods_, _Carpetings_,
_Curtain Materials_,
_Tapestries_, _Furniture Coverings_,

_And Goods for_

"_Home Art Decorations._"

* * * * *

_Largest and Most Complete Lines._

* * * * *

_We are Sole Agents for United States for the_

Celebrated "ALEXANDRE" Kid Gloves,

THE BEST KID GLOVE MADE.

_And we make a Specialty of producing private designs in_

_Carpets, Rugs & Upholstering Goods_,

_To correspond with architectural features of rooms, and of_

_Furnishing Churches, Theaters,
Hotels and Homes_.

CHICAGO VISITORS CORDIALLY INVITED TO CALL.

* * * * *

THE BARAGWANATH
"STEAM JACKET"
FEED WATER HEATER AND PURIFIER.

DELIVERS
FEED WATER
SEVERAL DEGREES ABOVE
BOILING POINT,
AND
REDUCES BACK PRESSURE
ON THE ENGINE.

IT REMOVES
SCALE AND INCRUSTATION
FROM BOILERS,
SAVES FUEL,
INCREASES THE STEAMING
CAPACITY OF BOILERS,
AND
SAVES BOILER REPAIRS.

WM. BARAGWANATH, PACIFIC BOILER WORKS,

_Quincy Street, near Desplaines_, _CHICAGO, ILL._

* * * * *

RAILWAY ANNUALS
A SPECIALITY.

WESTERN
BANK NOTE
AND
ENG. COMP'Y,
CHICAGO.

Bonds, Drafts, Checks, Certificates, Merchants' Stationery, Bankers' Supplies.

* * * * *

J. S. FORD, JOHNSON & CO.

MANUFACTURERS OF
CHAIRS AND SETTEES.

A SPECIALTY MADE OF
THE GARDNER PERFORATED SETTEES
FOR PASSENGER DEPOTS.

FACTORIES:
Michigan City, Indiana.

OFFICE AND WAREROOMS:
267 & 269 Wabash Ave., Chicago, Ill.

* * * * *

PALMER, FULLER & CO.

Wholesale Mfrs. of
SASH, DOORS,
BLINDS,
MOULDINGS, STAIRS,
Stair Railing, Newels,
Mantels, Pew Ends, etc.

Estimates, Price Lists, or any information in our line, furnished on application.

Dealers in
LUMBER, LATH,
SHINGLES.

Dry Dressed
Finishing Lumber
A SPECIALTY.

Office and Factory,
West 22d and Union Sts.
CHICAGO.

* * * * *

The most SIMPLE, ECONOMICAL and EFFECTIVE device of its kind in use.

It cannot be detached from the box; is not liable to be broken by the rough usage box lids are subjected to; will close from the jar of the train if left open; is all made of cast iron, and requires no fitting after it leaves the foundry.

The best endorsement of "The Hewitt Box Lid" is the large number of them now in use, and we especially refer to those Railroad Companies who have had it =longest in use=, as to its merits.

Reasonable terms made for royalty per car, or for license covering the right to use on entire car equipment.

THE HEWITT BOX LID COMPANY,

142 Dearborn St., CHICAGO.

* * * * *

N. & A. MIDDLETON & CO. (Limited).

MANUFACTURERS OF
RAILWAY CAR SPRINGS

142 DEARBORN STREET,
CHICAGO, ILL.

* * * * *

S. D. Childs & Co.

GENERAL ENGRAVERS AND STATIONERS

163 Dearborn Street, Chicago.

Wedding and Invitation Cards, Calling Cards, Crests, Monograms,
etc. A full line of Knights Templar Cards--Illuminated and
Embossed. Latest Novelties in Society Stationery, Menu and Guest
Cards always on hand.

* * * * *

CHICAGO MALLEABLE IRON CO.

MANUFACTURERS OF
REFINED MALLEABLE IRON CASTINGS
TO ORDER.

OFFICE AND WORKS NEAR COR. BLUE ISLAND AND WESTERN AVES.

REACHED BY BLUE ISLAND AVE. CARS. CHICAGO.

* * * * *

CHICAGO CHAIN WORKS,
Nos. 98 & 100 Indiana Street,
S. G. TAYLOR, PROPRIETOR, CHICAGO.

MANUFACTURER OF ALL KINDS AND SIZES OF
Cable Chains, Brake Chains, and
Grain Door Chains for R.R. Cars.
Also Safety Chains and Switch Chains.
Best Crane, Dredge and Block Chains a Specialty.

* * * * *

POOLE BROS.
RAILROAD PRINTERS
CHICAGO.

* * * * *

FREDERICK SCHNEIDER,
MANUFACTURER AND DEALER IN
Stained, Enameled, Embossed, Cut, Ground, Colored and Beveled
GLASS

Office, 80 & 82 Market Street, between Madison and Washington
Streets,
CHICAGO, ILL.

* * * * *

VICTOR LASSAGNE. A. DUPUIS.

RESTAURANT FRANÇAIS,
ÉLITE.
FOR LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

KEPT BY
LASSAGNE & DUPUIS,

PRIVATE ROOMS. 77 & 79 Clark Street, CHICAGO, ILL.

Opposite the Court House. North of Grand Opera House.

* * * * *

TO TICKET AGENTS.
_IN THE PRESS._
A splendid edition of D. DALZIEL'S new Parody of
IOLANTHE.
_To be published on or about October 15._

Also some new works for CHRISTMAS. Advertisers will please send their favors to

JAMES CHARLTON,
_General Passenger and Ticket Agent_,
CHICAGO AND ALTON R.R.
Dearborn Street, CHICAGO.

* * * * *

CHERRIE & CO.
RAILS AND RAILWAY FASTENINGS,
PIG IRON,
Lake Superior Charcoal, Pennsylvania Anthracite,
MALLEABLE AND CAR WHEEL IRONS,

OFFICE,
90 AND 92 DEARBORN STREET,
CHICAGO.

* * * * *

E. J. LEHMANN. CHAS. KINSMAN.
"The Fair."

LEHMANN & KINSMAN.
192 & 194 State Street,
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS.

Importers and Wholesale Dealers in

Fancy Goods, Jewelry, Watches, Clocks, Silver Plated Ware, Optical
Goods, Cutlery, Musical Instruments, Stationery, Druggists'
Sundries, Baskets, Bird Cages, Picture Frames, ALBUMS, DOLLS, TOYS.
New Goods. Immense Assortment. THE CHEAPEST HOUSE IN THE WEST. WE
GUARANTEE OUR PRICES THE VERY LOWEST. Send for Catalogue.

* * * * *

GEO. F. KIMBALL,
IMPORTER AND DEALER IN
Polished Plate, Car AND Window Glass
AND GENUINE FRENCH MIRROR PLATES,

45 & 47 JACKSON STREET,
Between State St. and Wabash Ave. CHICAGO.

3/16 POLISHED PLATE FOR CAR USE.

* * * * *

VERGHO, RUHLING & CO.
PROPRIETORS OF THE
Finest and Most Complete
FANCY GOODS AND TOY STORE
IN THE WEST.

We have at all times an immense assortment of _Bicycles_,
_Velocipedes_, _Express Wagons_, _Hammocks_, _Croquet_, _Lawn
Tennis_, _etc._, _and the largest line of RICH FANCY GOODS IN
THE WEST_. We have only new, fresh, and desirable goods. We sell
same at reasonable prices, and we aim to satisfy every one. Our
assortment is unsurpassed, our stock the largest and our store the
finest in the country.

WHOLESALE AND RETAIL.

Northeast Cor. Wabash Avenue and Madison Street.
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS.

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