Chapter II: Part 2

I arrived at my brother's that night about 7 o'clock. I met his wife as usual. After tea I retired to a room with my brother's wife, telling her of my persecutions, and how God had revealed himself to me. She said she thought it was wisdom in God not to reveal his glory to us while here in the body. She had felt so much the glory of God in her own soul that she had been almost overpowered. She thought that God had nothing more for me to do. What does such language imply? Is there a person this side of the grave for whom God has nothing more to do? But I did not know then that man had the knowledge to take the holy spirit from a person by giving them medicine; but she had already conceived the wicked deed in her heart, and knew where the _awful crime_ could be done, and her very language expressed what she knew was about to be done to me, although I did not then suspect any evil. Had it been said to me in any other place but a brother's house, and by a female, I should have suspected I was about to be murdered, or some other brutal outrage committed upon me. If I had been among the rude barbarians I should not have been so easily deceived; but I looked up to a sister to do for me, and asked her to let me stay with her, and I would sew or do any thing for her; but she appeared to be very angry with me every time that I spoke about what God had done for me. I said but little to any one when I retired, for sister Nancy and Sophia, brother Stephen's wife, went with me into my room. In my usual manner before I laid my head upon my pillow, I knelt by my bed and silently offered my prayer to God. My sister Nancy said "_see that_," and Sophia answered "_I am sorry to see it_." I said nothing, but thought it very strange that in this christian land any one should be sorry to see another on their bended knees before an holy God, and especially one that knew me so well as a sister. I slept sound all knight, and felt much refreshed in the morning, and happy that I had got away from a house where I had been so persecuted. How little did I know where I was to be carried, and what was about to be done to me. O, THAT A DAGGER HAD BEEN PLUNGED INTO MY HEART IN THE MIDNIGHT HOUR, for what I have suffered here is beyond the power of language to describe. And then every source of happiness is taken from me here and hereafter, to be forever tormented in fire. It may be looked upon as derangement or delusion, but as true as there is a God that sitteth upon his eternal throne, so true this awful crime has been done to me; and let any one reasonably look upon the treatment that I received, it will show it was nothing but a spirit of the vilest persecution. But my wicked relations that hated me without a cause are screened from the law of our country, and in part from public censure, together with the Doctors; and it may be thrown back upon me that I am a poor deranged person; but God only knows the distress that my body is every moment in, and then that I never can be relieved. Wednesday, the 24th, I passed as I usually did while on a visit to my brother's, not suspecting that they were looking upon me as a deranged person, and above all, knowing that horrid crime could be done to me and plunge me into everlasting misery, a poor innocent, unprotected sister, that had toiled late and early to get along. Thursday, 25th Nov., Thanksgiving day of 1840, I arose, took breakfast, and found brother Stephen's wife in bed with the sick head-ache. The girls all seemed to be engaged, and I, of course, in my way to do for the sick wherever I was, waited upon her. Brother Eben, wife and children had come in to pass the day, from Jamaica Plain. I began to play with them, as I always did; but I observed they did not greet me with that affectionate liveliness they were accustomed to. I took no notice of it to let them know it. About 10 o'clock, while I sat at my work in the parlour, my brother Stephen came in and asked me to go to a ride with him. This surprised me, as our brothers were never very attentive to their sisters; but I thought he pitied me on account of my troubles, knowing the life that I had tried to live. I told him I did not care about going to ride, as it was not my health, but my spiritual life which he did not understand, and asked him to let me stay with Sophia, and I would sew or do any thing for them; he said he wanted me to go and see a physician. I told him it was not a physician that I wished to see, I should rather see some minister, who would better understand my situation. He said I should not see any one. I then asked him to let me see Mr. Winslow, his own minister, as I always liked him very much, as he is a very spiritual minded man. He said no, I should not see him. He said the Doctor was a pious man. I asked what church he belonged to; he answered Mr. Winslow's. I then said, well, I will go and see him, thinking it would do no harm. Upon that, he said with a great degree of triumphant feeling, _that's the place for such ones as you are_. Could a brother embue his hands in the blood of a sister's eternal life, to take the advantage of her weakness, put her under locks and keys, and hire men to do the awful crime; and is there such a house where this crime can be done and tolerated, by the public upholding men that are willing to be hired to do the greatest of all crimes, and poor beings cannot help themselves, nor any kind friend get to them to protect them? Is this done in this free and happy land? Because I differed from some of my family in my religious opinion must I be taken and imprisoned? But if that was all, I would not notice it any more than I ever did all their previous unkind treatment.--I had always done for myself from the time that I was in my 15th year, and received no assistance from any one of the family, and had endeavored to support a good character, although I was called to walk in the humble walks of life, and had often met with the cold neglect of the rich and popular class of the world because I was a poor factory girl. My brothers had never offered to do for me or to help me along. Each one of us had to do for ourselves; but they might have treated me with common humanity. I never thought labor dishonored any one, but while I was on a visit to see my brother Stephen, his wife requested me not to let any one know that I worked in a factory, which made me very unhappy; and because I went to Great Falls to work in the factory, brother Stephen sent my things in a fictitious name, not wishing any one to know that he had a sister that worked in the factory, which caused me to be suspected of being a loose character. I was only in my 19th year, and a stranger to every one in the place.--God only knows what I had to live up under. But I said nothing to any one about it, only to my oldest sister, Mary, as all my troubles I confided in her; but to return to my subject. Soon as my brother left the room, I went into Sophia's room and told her what my brother had said. She again said she thought _God had nothing more for me to do_; but what she meant I did not know.--After dinner, brother Stephen came into the room and said, now Elizabeth we will have that ride that we spoke of. I went and prepared myself, but again I went and talked with Sophia, I told her it would do no good to go and see a physician, for they knew nothing about spirituality, and it would injure the cause of God. She said, _O no, God has nothing more for you to do; get your health and I will come and see you in two or three days_. I was not expecting to stop, but would go and see the Doctor because I could not contend any more. After I got into the chaise with my brother, I began to reason with him upon the foolishness of going to see a physician. He said it was a young ladies' boarding place and the Doctor was a pious man, and I could have any thing that I wanted. I told him I thought it very foolish to throw away so much money, as our parents were poor. Better do good with it, for I knew what the world was; they cared for nothing if they could but get money, and I did not wish to be among strangers. He would not harken to what I said, but said he was willing to pay my board three or six months, or longer, and that's the place for such ones as I was. If I had been a disturber of the peace of any community or family, well he might have said so; but then we have laws in this country, by which a person may be tried, and made to suffer the penalty of the law they break. I was non-resistant. I said every thing that I could say. After we arrived there I was introduced to Dr. Bell, in his parlour. He asked me to relate my christian experience. (I wish the reader to mark the manner in which the doctor addressed me, for what has a physician to do with a person's christian experience?) In my usual manner I asked him if he had a change of heart? He said yes, to avoid an argument, I told him I never argued or disputed about religion. He said then he had not what the world called a change. I told him then he must excuse me from saying any thing about my christian experience, as he would not understand it. My brother began to urge me together with the Doctor. I did not know why I must relate my christian experience to a Doctor and an unconverted man at such a time, for it seemed to me like mockery. I refused again and again, but, _no_, I must relate it. Being no longer able to withstand these entreaties I told what God had done for me to that time. Spoke of being bound in the spirit and I felt a bondage of soul. He said he could give me something to relieve that bondage of soul and being bound in the spirit. I told him I should rather be with my own folks and I should rather not stop. Upon that my brother and the Doctor both began to urge me vehemently and said I had no respect to any one's judgment. I had always provided for myself, and why I should be so urged to stay at a boarding place when I did not wish to, I did not know; and I told the Doctor I did not know what he had to do with my soul. But they both said so much I told them I would stay, as every thing in the room indicated respectability. They went out of the room, and while they were gone I thought it was no place for me, thinking it was a ladies' boarding place among the popular class, and was not the place for a christian in such a weak state. I went out and asked my brother to take me back with him. He seemed to be so angry with me he could hardly control his feeling. He put his hand upon my shoulder and gave me a push, and said he could not carry me back, but would come and see me the next day; I then returned into the parlor and began to take off my things when a tall, black eyed, masculine looking female came and took me by the arm and asked me if she should wait upon me up stairs. I thanked her and walked up stairs with her, thinking she was going to show me my sleeping room. She waited upon me into a long painted gallery with sleeping rooms on both sides, and she left the room. There were a number of ladies sitting around in the gallery. I went to the window to take a view of the prospect, and the iron grate met my eye. I turned to a lady and asked her if she would inform me what those iron grates were at the window for. She made me no reply. I turned to another and asked her, and she made no reply, but rose and went into her room. I asked her pardon, I did not intend any offence, I was a stranger there. I then went to the door to go down into the parlor where I came out; but I found the door locked. Upon that I made the expression "_grated windows, and locked door_, where am I?" Upon that, a female stepped out of her room. I perceived she was not such a person as I had ought to be with at that time. She took me by waist and said they were kind folks there. I asked her where I was, and wished to see the lady of the house, and asked her to let me alone; but no one would give me any answer. About dark the bell rung to call the ladies down to tea. A very modest young lady came out of her room and asked me if she should walk with me down to tea. I thanked her, and I was waited upon down into a large room where there was a large table set with all kinds of refreshments. The company presented a strange appearance, the peculiarity of their dress, and many things did not look right. I wondered how my brother came to place me among such creatures, in my weak state. I drank a cup of tea and left the room, thinking it was no place for me, for I had longsince left balls and parties, and scenes of mirthfulness. Miss Barber, the same one that had waited upon me up into the gallery, asked me where I was going. I told her I wished to retire to my room. She waited on me up into the same gallery. I went into one of the rooms and knelt down and asked God to deliver me from that place, and to return me to the people of God. Soon Mary Brigham, the attendant, came into the gallery, I asked her many questions to find out where I was, and what kind of boarders they kept there; but she would make me no reply. I asked her if the hourly went into Boston from there, but she made me no reply: she had the marks of a methodist. I thought if she loved God, if I talked of the love of God, I should draw her towards me. I told her how I loved God, and said many things about sanctification, but she made me no reply. I thought this was very strange treatment. I then asked her for something to take. She said the Doctor never gave anything under two days. I told her it was necessary, and that I wanted some valerian tea; but she said I could not have any thing that night, and when the bell rang nine, she said it was the hour for the ladies to retire. I went to my room and asked Miss Brigham if my door fastened; she said yes. I asked her for the key; she said she locked the door and kept the key. After I had retired she came into my room and took my clothes out. I asked her what that was for; she said it was the rule of the house, and she locked me in alone. I did not sleep any all night, from the excitement of the day, and wondering what my brother should place me with such characters for. I came to the conclusion that it was a place where females of ill-fame boarded, with physicians to get help in time of trouble. In the morning when Mary Brigham came and unlocked my door, I told her I had not slept any all night.--She said, well, _that's nothing_. I asked her to let me see the Doctor as soon as possible, for I wished to return in the first hourly. She made me no reply. I rose and went to the upper end of the gallery and asked Miss Brigham to excuse me from going to the table, as my dress was not adjusted, and had not brought my combs and hair brush with me, and asked her to let me have a cup of coffee there. She threw a hair comb into my lap and commanded me to come to the table; upon which I adjusted my dress as soon as possible and went to the table. Every thing presented a strange appearance. Great tin lid pots and a wooden waiter and broken dishes. A plate of crackers set on the end of the table where I sat; I went to take one, and one of the ladies spoke and said they were hers, but I might have one; I asked her to excuse me, and took a piece of bread. After breakfast I went to go into my room, as I had not slept any all night, and found my door locked; I went and sat down and asked if there was any christians there, when one lady said she was a baptist, and she knew a Mary Stone in Boston. I told her it was my sister. I asked her to be my friend, and she said she would, and that I might lay down in her room. Accordingly she went into her room with me and covered me up in her bed and shut the door; just as I had got into a sweet sleep, Mary Brigham came in and ordered me up. I rose and asked her to let me lay down in my room, as I had not slept any all night.--She said the ladies were not allowed to lay down in the day time. One of the ladies told me to ask the supervisor to let me have my room door open. What it meant to have a supervisor in a ladies' boarding house I knew not; but when she came in I found it was the same one that had waited upon me into the gallery. I asked her to be my friend, and told her she did not know how I did love God; she said she would be my friend, but she did not want any silly fancies. What she meant I did not know, for I did not know there was any fancy about christianity. I asked her if I could have a bowl of valerian tea and have my door open to lay down. She said yes, and told Mary Brigham to open my door; just as I had got into a sleep again, Mary Brigham and Miss Barber came and threw off the clothes. I being weak and excited got up and asked if my brother had come, for he said he would come and see me the next day. I wanted to get with some one that knew me, for such treatment as this I did not know what to make of. Miss Barber immediately left the room and they would give me no answer. I went to my room to lay down, but found my door locked and I could not have the privilege of laying down again that day. About 11 o'clock Dr. Fox, the assistant physician, came in and began to converse with me; I told him it was not my reason that was effected, or any distress of mind, but I had undergone a cleansing or purifying by being washed in the blood of the Lamb; that I had tasted of the good word, and the powers of the world to come, and that I was weak and wanted some valerian tea, or something to calm me; he said that I must not think I was so filled with the spirit; any minister would laugh at me. I repeated some passages of the Scriptures to him; one was that St. Paul says, "Be ye filled with the fullness of God." He said it was because St. Paul saw the Lord Jesus. I told him that made no difference, all had got to go the same way to heaven; that I stood upon the Gospel, but I never disputed about religion. He said he would give me something to calm and strengthen me; but nothing was brought me until night, nor did my brother come to see me. After I had retired, Mary Brigham came into my room and said she had got some medicine for me. _I_ rose up and took it, thinking it was something to do me good. It was a pill and a little mug of mixture, and Mary Brigham went out and locked the door; but O, alas how little did I know where I was and what I was put into that house for. Such a crime I never read of, and it is covered up under the garb of derangement, and I am the poor sufferer. As soon as I took it I was thrown into most violent pain and distress, beyond the power of language to describe, neither can I give any one an adequate idea. The medicine effected my brain, the back part of my head, hardened or petrified it, and the brain is the seat of the nerves, and any one can conceive of the distress that I must be thrown into all over in my body, every nerve in me drawing and straining convulsively. Sometimes I was almost drawn back double and then forward, rolling in the bed from one side to the other in the greatest agony. When my door was unlocked in the morning I rose. I had wept bitterly all night. The thoughts of my situation, and for so strange a thing as it may appear, that medicine can be given to destroy the work of Grace in a person, even so it can be done, and Dr. Bell and Dr. Fox both possess that knowledge of giving medicine to accomplish this awful outrage upon Christianity; and it is done under the garb of derangement, and they are screened from public censure, and it is a greater crime than that they had tortured me to death any way that I ever read of. As I come out of my room a young lady asked me what made me weep; so I took her hand and asked her to tell me where I was, and what kind of people I was with. She asked me if I did not know, and I told her no. She then told me that I was in the Insane Assylum. I then knew that I was betrayed into the hands of the wicked to be destroyed. I told her that the medicine that they had given me was killing the spirit of Christ in me; and that I was lost. I began to lose all idea of holiness. But I knew it would be covered up under the garb of derangement, and then I recollected what my brother Stephen's wife said, "that God had nothing more for me to do." Of course, if any one has not the spirit of Christ, they cannot serve God. It is not only a belief, but they must have the spirit. Dr. Fox came in about 10 o'clock; while I was laying on the bed he stood looking at me, with Miss Barber. My jaws were unlocked. He made the remark to Miss Barber that he did not know whether it was the fulfillment of the prophecy, "there shall be knashing of the teeth," or whether it was hallooing "glory to God," so much. Oh, how little they knew of the reason of my losing my ballance. It was my exerting myself so much after I had become a spiritual being, having no kind friend to do for me. But I said nothing; I asked for the privilege of writing, which was granted. I wrote to brother Stephen's wife, and asked her to come and see me that afternoon, as soon as she got the letter, for I could not believe that a female could be accessory to such a crime, although I well recollect how angry she appeared to be every time I spoke of what God had done for me. The Doctor said he would send it. That day, Saturday, passed away without bringing any one to see me. I thought of my kind christian friends, my loved friend Nancy Sanborn; but now forever separated from her, no more could we fondly anticipate going to the far West together, to be the instruments, in the hands of God, of expanding the immortal mind in knowledge, and teach the way of salvation to poor sinners. But now taken by the cunning craftiness of my relations, I was enclosed within bolted doors and grated windows, where I could not make my escape, nor my friends prevent the brutal outrage that they were committing upon me.--Reader, for a moment imagine yourself in my situation. If you are not a christian you do not wish to undergo pain, neither do you desire to be miserable, nor to be separated from your friends, with entire strangers that you never saw before, for it is contrary to the laws that God has written in your nature. But I was a poor factory girl, without any rich father to protect me, or pious mother to plead my cause, and I could say with David, I was an alien from my mother's womb, to my mother's children, and in my weakness they sprang upon me. They would not let my christian friends do for me, neither would they do for me themselves. I had friends that would have gladly done for me; long and dear acquaintances, both christians and unconverted, who would have opened their doors to me before they would have seen me the third day of my illness turned out of doors by Miss Lufkin, in my weakness, because I wished to serve God in spirit and in truth, according to my profession, and carried off into a hospital or a devil's den here upon earth, for I call these Insane Assylums nothing less. But it is not the imprisonment or the cruel treatment that I received there that I speak of, for I would have borne that without a murmur. But it is the medicine they gave me that racked and tortured and killed the spirit of Christ within me. It is that spirit that gives a person a hatred to sin, supports them up under any torture. Christian reader, whatever name you may bear, it is you and you only that can truly feel for my distressed situation, deceived into that house in such an unlawful manner, even if I had been deranged. I had property, and I ought to have had a guardian appointed, and kind steps taken with me. But to return to my subject: a table was spread, and a party, the Doctor being one of the number, sat down to play cards. The most unqualified language came out of their mouths. I could hear the groans of the distressed all around me, some weeping to see their friends, some for one thing, and some for another; and I in the most awful distress, without one kind friend to speak to me; an involuntary groan came with my breath. Again the medicine was brought to me; I told the attendant it was destroying me, hardening my brain, and taking the spirit of Christ from me; she said I must take it. I did not know what to do, I could not help myself; to resist I knew would not do, and yet having partly the spirit of Christ, which is non-resistant, I took it, which increased my distress. I was again locked into my room and left to weep and roll in my bed all knight, thinking of my dear friends, _not relations_.--But oh, they would not have dared to have done the crime out of that house, under the pretence of insanity, to screen my wicked relations, that have been incensed against me ever since I met with a change of heart. Sunday morning came, and thus, in one short week, was I brought to my sad fate, for the want of a kind christian friend to step in between me and my cruel persecutors, and wicked tyranical relations. This day passed away; the medicine was brought me to take twice a day, pills and a little mug of mixture; what it was I do not know, but I think I could tell the different kinds that I took if I could see them. Monday, 29th, passed away without any one coming to see me. Tuesday came, and I again asked the privilege of writing, which was granted. I wrote to my brother S. asked him to come and see me immediately, as he promised. The Doctor said he would send it, but the day passed away without any one coming. My distress became more violent. I told the Doctors they were taking from me my eternal happiness, by taking from me the spirit of Christ. I was informed by one of the patients that they did not send the letters they gave me liberty to write. I conversed with Dr. Fox about my situation, and of the knowledge of this medicine, and why the world did not know it. He said that my brother knew all about it before I was brought there, and what I had got to suffer, and what my situation would be. Reader, can you imagine what my sufferings were? No, you cannot. If you had witnessed them you might have then conceived of my dreadful agony. Telling of my distress and lost condition, I was mocked and ridiculed. This week passed away.

Sunday came again, Dec. 5. No one had come to see me. I was left mostly alone in the gallery. The attendant and some of the patients had gone to meeting. One of the attendants came in and talked with me; she spoke more kind to me than any one had since I come into the house. I told her my situation, and how I was a poor girl, and had from the age of 15 done for myself, and had never been sick, or any expense to the family or any other one. She seemed to express a deal of sympathy for me. She said it was a house of distress. I asked her how long she had been there; she said, I think, from six to eight years. She said she wished she had seen me when I first had been brought into that house. I then asked her if she knew that christians could be destroyed there. She seemed not inclined to express her mind freely to me, but said that she had been tried much in her feelings, to see poor christians so troubled about their religion in that house, and if their friends knew what was best for them they would not bring them there. She desired me to control my feelings as much as possible. If I did not, I should be showered. I then enquired what that meant; she then described it to me, that I should be stripped of all my clothes, and cold water poured upon me, and I should be carried on to another gallery, where the society would not be so pleasant, neither the accommodations so good. I told her that my distress was so great that it was impossible. I then asked her how she could be knowing to such a crime and not to make it known to the world, for it was worse than murdering a person in this life. She said she supposed my folks knew all about it before I was brought there, but they would not be likely to tell me, and she bid me good bye. It seemed good to have any one speak kind to me, although I had then nearly lost all idea of holiness. When she left me, I laid myself down upon the floor, and wept bitterly; I then thought I would make way with myself, for I was betrayed; my relations had at last vented their revenge upon me, and now I was an outcast forever, and never more could be happy. I was now separated forever from my loved friends. I thought of a much loved friend, Phebe Weir, who knew me before I was converted, one that I used to talk much with about my spiritual life. O, that she could but behold me.--Soon they returned from meeting, but to cease from weeping and groaning, was impossible, for every nerve in me was drawing and twinging as though they would break. Christian reader, keep in mind that the spirit of Christ was killed in me, or I could have blessed and praised God, amidst all this suffering. But this distress of body was caused by the medicine given to me, to take away the spirit of Christ. It may appear like derangement, but what I tell you is the truth. Monday, I had endeavored to keep in my room as much as possible, and to keep from groaning, though it come voluntary, for I dreaded to be carried on to another gallery, exposed and showered with cold water. But my sufferings would not cease in this world. I could not look forward to never ending eternity of happiness, for the idea of love had gone from me. I neither loved God, nor this world. My body was now, as it were, dead; my brain was becoming a mineral substance, all but my intellectual faculties. In the afternoon, Miss Barber came in, in her masculine manner, to all appearance to exult in human misery, and asked me to take her arm. I knew I was going on to another gallery. I said nothing, for it would be of no use; hearts that are so hardened in cruelty as they must be to do such crimes, would not listen to entreaty. Accordingly I was led on to another gallery. Here I found perfectly deranged people, and some appeared to be in a great deal of distress. Esther Benton, the attendant, at first, was quite kind to me, but soon she began to show her power. She knew well my situation, for she had seen others suffer similarly about their religion in that house, and I was regarded as a vagabond, as truly I am. But would I have willingly thrown myself away? Is it not a law in nature that every body desires happiness? But alas, for the want of a kind friend, I am lost to all happiness here and hereafter. I cannot enjoy carnal nor spiritual things. I stayed in this gallery about a week, when Miss Barber came in one morning and said I must go down in the other gallery if I cried so. I told her to carry me, for it was the place of the greatest cruelty that I ever knew. How they could witness a poor female suffer as I did, and to be accessory to it, I thought of all the cruelty I ever read of I never read of any equal to this. She led me down among perfect maniacs, in a cold, dark, cheerless room, with no seat to sit on. Again I talked with Dr. Fox, and told him that my brother told me it was a young ladies' boarding house, and the Doctor was a pious man, and I expected to be taken under a Godly influence, instead of being torn to pieces in this manner, by medicine. I thought eternal life was of more importance than this life, and we ought to seek the soul's salvation of each other. He said, _they did not do such things there_, it was a place to get health, and he laughed at me for coming there. I told him he might try to keep it covered up under the garb of derangement, but I believed it would yet be exposed, although I was the poor sufferer. He said both male and female had suffered it before me, and would not publish it because it would be looked upon as derangement, and no one would believe it. I then asked him if holiness was liable to become a disease and medical men knew it, ought they not to publish it to the world that every thing should be done for a person first by the people of God, before the medicine was given to them, and had such a crime ought to go under the garb of derangement, and poor creatures suffer forever in consequence of it. He seemed to think it was a very light thing, and laughed at me and said I had prayed too much. This is Dr. Fox, a member of the congregational church. Is this not worse than any crime that ever was practised upon a poor helpless creature in any place of wickedness upon the face of the earth. I found the attendant, Mrs. Emerson, very kind to me uniformly, in this gallery, and she often spoke of the cruel treatment of that house.--I stayed in this gallery until about the 26th of Dec., when Miss Barber came in and said that I must go to the cottage, or it might more properly be called a stone dungeon, where there are six cells, and some of them have a straw bed. The cell that I occupied had one; but oh, they might have shut me up in a stone dungeon and made me fast in the strap and buckle, and I would have praised God; but no, I could not pray to God, my brain was like a mineral substance. I was now enclosed in a stone dungeon, but I had a kind attendant by the name of Sarah Brown. If I spoke of my situation and of the sweets of redeeming love, I was mocked and laughed at by the Doctors, and Miss Barber seemed to exult in my misery. I often plead to see some of my relations, especially brother Stephen, who carried me there, but my request they refused. I often spoke to the Trustees about my situation and the manner of my life, and how cruelly I was deceived into that house; but say what you will, it is regarded as derangement by them. I had been in this stone dungeon about three or four days, I come to the conclusion that I had nothing to live for; I was in distress of body, from the crown of my head to the sole of my foot. I was guilty of the blood of the covenant. I now did not love God or this world. My learning was now taken from me, that I had labored hard to acquire. My good name, which is better than precious ointment, was now gone. I had become an outcast of earth and heaven. My food tasteless; I had no longer any object to pursue. I accordingly made up my mind to take my life that night. For that purpose I tore a piece of the sheet off. I then thought of my hard labors and striving to get along, and my desire to set a bright example, and what had it profited me, that in my weakness I should be taken and shut up where no kind friend could approach to save me from the brutal outrage of man. I expected never again to see any one that I knew upon earth, and that while here I must be among the worst of characters. The attendant came in and bid me good night. I thought she was the last human being I should ever see; I had got to go into hell's torment if I lived; and to live any longer I thought there was no use. I laid down thinking I would wait until all was still. About 12 o'clock, I judge, I rose and walked up and down my cell, thinking that my life had become a burden to me. I thought of my loved companions, my loved New Hampton teachers, and that happy circle of acquaintances, and then how cruelly the cry had been raised about me of being insane, in order to get me shut up, where this awful crime could be done; how cruelly Caroline Dammers had incensed my brother Stephen aguinst me, a young lady that I had done so much for; she had been down in the summer and talked to my brother's folks about my being so engaged in behalf of poor sinners, which was my meat and drink. If it was looked upon as derangement, it was something that made me happy and it did not lead me to do evil, but now I could not commit myself to God, neither did I think by putting an end to my life, that I should cease from one state of suffering and cruel tyranny. I put the string round my neck, and attached it to a hinge of the door. I gave my weight to the string, and began to lose all sense of feeling, the last I knew; the first thing I knew again, I found myself laying on the floor, in violent agony, hardly knowing anything. How long I had laid there I know not. The sweat was pouring out of me profusely. At first I could not move, but gradually come to. I recollected what I had attempted to do, and felt for the string and found it had broken, and that was the cause of my laying on the floor. I thought I would try the second time, and made the attempt, but was so weak that I could not manage. I began to feel a violent pain in my face, found my chin was badly cut, and thought probably my jaw was broken, for it hurt me to move it. I layed down and thought if it was broken it would be less painful to have it attended to, than to wait until morning. I called to the attendant, whose room was in the corner of the building. She came in and asked me what was the matter. I feigned ignorance. She said their was a great deal of blood upon the floor, and that my chin was badly hurt. She called Miss Barber, they examined and found it not broken; went out and left me alone again for the night, but I was so weak that I could not attempt my life again. The next day the mark was observed upon my neck, and it was suspected that I had attempted to make way with myself, and then I had the leather muff put on. But what they could wish to keep such a miserable suffering creature alive for, I did not know, but several of the attendants advised me not to take my life, but try to get out and publish it to the world.--I told them I would, for if others had published it before me, I might have been saved from suffering here and hereafter. Although my account was sealed with God, yet I remembered the sweets of redeeming love, and how good it was to pray to God; but now through the instrumentality of the wicked, in my weakness, I must suffer forever. But the poor sons of God that have suffered this before me, probably have taken their lives, for Dr. Fox says that he has examined the bodies of those that have had the holy spirit taken away from them, as I have, and says the organs are the same, only they are contracted. I stayed in the dungeon until the month of March, weeping and groaning my hours away. About the last of March I was carried back from the dungeon to the gallery I left. Miss Emerson was my attendant. The day I was carried back was very cold, and Miss Barber ordered me to be locked up in my room, to exercise her authority over me. Miss Emerson was a good nurse. She said it was too cold for me to be there, coming out of such a warm room as the dungeon was. She went and asked Miss Barber to let me come out; but no, she must keep me locked up. Miss Emerson came in and told me I had better lay down, for she knew the change of air was too much for me, even if I sat out in the gallery, by the furnace, for this gallery is a cold comfortless place. Towards night my distress increased, till it seemed as though every bone in me would fall apart. It seemed as though my breath would leave my body. Miss Emerson said she has told Miss Barber how cold I was, but she did not regard it. But I was not the only sufferer on account of their cruel treatment. Others were suffering the like in different ways. I stayed in this gallery till about the last of July, weeping and rolling on the floor, in pain, not allowed to lay on my bed, and often stripped and showered, as I was told I should be, as a punishment for weeping, because I was in distress, and lost to eternal happiness, and deprived of my liberty, in the hands of tyrants. One day, while I was laying on the floor in agony, Dr. Bell came in and said that brother James had been there. I asked him what was the reason he did not let me see him, and he said he did not wish to see me; he was glad I was there, and wished I had been two years before. This added double grief, and Dr. Bell seemed delighted to tell me of it, to tantalize me, and that he was so completely held up in his cruelty. I told him that this brother did not know the agony that I was in, for I did not think he could have the heart to rejoice in my misery, and to wish I had this brutal act done to me two years before. This brother I had done for more or less from a child; he being the youngest, I had helped pay his board, his tuition, bought him books and clothes, and all the money that I had, I let him have to help him along; and could this be the way he was rewarding me for it? In this land of liberty where every one has a right to worship God as they please, must he rise against me and worse than murder me, because I worshipped God contrary to his views. He believes all will go to heaven whether they have in them the hope of glory or not. But he has a right to his belief. My religion would not have led me to be accessory to his imprisonment, and more especially to have medicine given him to rack and torture him. One day when the trustees were there, I addressed Mr Lowell about my situation; he gave a listening ear, when Dr. Bell stepped forward and said my physician said that I was a fit subject for the house. I told him I had no physician, for I never was sick but once in my life, and that was two years ago. He said he had a line from Wheelock Graves, and one from Elder Cole, my minister. This surprised me, that a leader of God's people, to lead them out of sin, should give a line for a poor girl to be carried into an Insane Assylum. He knew my case, and had heard me tell how God had dealt with me. But I told Dr. Bell I did not believe it, although it gave him the lie. I believed Elder Cole to be too good a man and friend to humanity to wish to destroy a young girl's character so much as to give a line for me to be carried into an Insane Assylum, the third day of my leaving my work. I asked Mr. Lowell to go and see my brother Stephen; but it availed nothing, for they all understood the iniquity of that house. I had not seen any one since I had been there that I ever saw before, excepting a Miss Dutton, that I met at Elder Hime's meeting in Boston, who was there a private attendant to a lady for a short time. In the month of May, Catharine, brother Eben's wife, came to see me, I told her as much as possible what I had suffered, and how destroyed I was, and asked her why she did not tell me where I was going, and what was to be done to me. She said she did not know it till I was just going out of the house, but I did not believe it, for her husband was one of the bondsmen. This brother's wife I had loved much for her strong virtuous principles and piety. How she could have been accessory to this treatment towards me, to screen them from public censure, I did not know; but the deed was done. She stopped about ten minutes, and said she would come and see me again. But the summer passed away without one coming to see me. I often plead with Dr. Bell to let me see some one, but I was told that they did not wish to see me. I of course thought they did not, for I always was despised by the whole family, for what I did not know. But I buried it all in my own heart, looking forward when I should be forced from this world of trouble and sorrow, for my forerunner was a man of sorrow, and acquainted with grief; and I must bear all things even as he bore it. I had friends that were dear to me, and I thought I should like to see them once more upon earth. The cruel mockery and ridicule that I had heaped upon me there was enough to cause any female to be sick of her life. They seemed to take delight in saying things to try me.--Miss Barber and Dr. Fox were in the gallery together, the Doctor stood laughing at me, for I was in violent distress and crying. He said he thought I grew fat on it. Miss Barber said sneeringly, do you not expect to enter the pearly gates and walk the golden streets of the city of the New Jerusalem? I had lost all idea of holiness, and I am utterly incapable of using good language. I thought of what I once was, and to be brought to this low degraded state, to suffer thus in a gospel land, grieved me.