Chapter II: Act I

SCENE I.--_Hendon Gardens.--House piece, L. 3 E. to L. 2 E., with "Refreshments" worded over folding doors--the doors are made so as to show the counter, &c., inside; semi-grottos (two), R. 2 E. to R. 3 E.; two statues, R. C. and L. C. (up stage); the Living Statue in C., covered with long black cloth till wanted. Scene at back represents gardens, after the style of the Welsh Harp, Hendon.--Lights half down at commencement of the scene, which gradually gets darker and darker towards the end of scene.--Music as curtain goes up. "Is this a dream?"; and then waltz--piano._

_ALPHONZO and AUGUSTUS are discovered dancing with two Girls ("sups.") Others are waltzing as curtain rises. After a while Alphonzo and Augustus are left by themselves. Waltz still being played piano through dialogue._

ALPH. Awfully jolly dance that, eh, old fellow? Those _walkas_ and _polkas_ are just my style.

AUG. Pardon me, old chappie, you mean waltz, don't you know?

ALPH. Well, _waltz_ the difference? I wonder where those two girls went? I don't want 'em hanging round me, as I am expecting my young woman down here in a few minutes.

AUG. Indeed?

ALPH. No, in a cab! You see, I've been on with Jane--that's her name--some time, and she's a nice girl, only she is mighty partickler. She doesn't like me loving and courting other girls.

AUG. Very likely.

ALPH. Well, she'll be down here presently, so I must keep myself very quiet, you know.

AUG. Ah, well, in the meanwhile we will have a little refreshment! Come along, old chappie! Awfully jolly place this, don't you know!

[_Exit into refreshment-bar._

ALPH. (_Aside._) I wish I had some money. I've only got my fare home and a pipe-cleaner. I suppose I must face it out. (_Aloud._) By the way, what say you if we have a drink, eh?

AUG. Ah, a good idea! Awfully jolly, old fellow!

ALPH. (_Aside._) Yes, it will be if I have to pay. (_Aloud._) What shall it be?

AUG. Champagne.

ALPH. Of course--of course! (_Aside._) My fare home looks sick. All right!

AUG. Let's toss for it--heads I win tails you lose!

ALPH. All right. Kaffers win, tails Zulus. (_Aside._) I've only got a trouser button to toss with. Never mind, here goes.

AUG. Now, then. (_They toss up. Alphonzo pretends to lose his coin; begins looking for it._) Have you lost something, old boy?

ALPH. (_Still looking._) Yes; but it's of no consequence--only a ten-pound note. Never mind, old boy, it will do for the parkkeeper.

AUG. Do you always toss with notes?

ALPH. Yes; I attach more importance to notes than money in coin.

AUG. Why so?

ALPH. Why, you see if you put a five-pound note in your waistcoat pocket, you _double_ it; and when you bring it out again you see it _increases_.

AUG. Ah, awfully jolly! I'll remember that!

ALPH. (_Aside._) So will I. I read it in _Tit-Bits_.

AUG. But, joking on one side, I must pay for the drinks.

ALPH. No, no, old fellow; I really----

(_Putting his hand in his pocket._)

AUG. Now, once and for all you are not going to pay----

ALPH. (_Aside._) No, I'm not. (_Aloud._) But I insist!

AUG. Once for all you can't pay.

ALPH. (_Aside._) No, I'm ---- if I can. (_Aloud._) Well, if you insist upon it, I suppose I must give in.

AUG. Now, there's a sensible fellow. You can pay next time, see?

ALPH. Oh, yes!

AUG. A little supper, eh, at the Café Royal?

ALPH. (_Aside._) Yes, two of eels and a ha'poth of bread. (_Aloud._) Certainly, old boy.

AUG. We'll make a little party--two nice girls, eh? What do you think of a little fricassée de poulet et pommes de terres frites?

ALPH. No, I don't think so; but I never go in for politics.

AUG. You funny fellow, you will have your little joke! But I'll go and order these drinks. What shall it be--Moët?

ALPH. Yes, the more the merrier.

AUG. (_Going towards pavilion, calling._) Waiter--waiter!

[_Exit into refreshment-room._

ALPH. My word, what a dude he is! It's a wonder he ain't _subdude_ sometimes, don't you know. But it must be near my girl's time. (_Looks at watch._) She ought to have been here now. I hope she don't meet that girl I have been dancing with. I must be above those things before her. What the eye don't see the ear can't see either. Hallo, I do believe I see a female figure. No, it ain't her! I wish when she comes, I had the courage to propose to her. I've got the ring and everything ready. A nice ring--six carat. I must get a couple of pen'oth of whiskers--I mean whiskey--and some four ale down me to back me up like. That's a good idea. I'll just try a little drop now on account.

[_Exit into refreshment-room._

_Enter HANDSAW, R. 1 E._

HAND. Well, up to the present I haven't seen any suspicious-looking characters round here! I've been sent down here because there's been some daring robberies of antique sculpture, and one among 'em is a genuine antique of Venus, worth thousands of pounds; and it's been hidden away in some public gardens and palmed on to the manager as merely plaster, and took a trifle for it, so that when the coast was clear they'd be able to come for it again, and take it abroad. A very clever idea! But I'll find out where this figure is. It is in some public gardens. (_Looks at figures._) I don't suppose it's among those; but I'll wait a bit. Why, blow me, here's one covered up! (_Looks under cloth of C. figure._) My eye, what a beauty! What, if this should be the missing Venus. So soon! I'll hang about here anyhow.

[_Strolls off, L. 1 E._

_Enter JANE, R. U. E._

JANE. I'm a little behind-hand to meet my Alphonzo. But better late than never. I said I would meet him by the refreshment-room. (_Looks in._) Why, there he is! I'll just go in and surprise him.

[_Exit into refreshment-room._

_Enter HANDSAW, R. 1 E._

HAND. At last! I felt certain I should capture my man or men to-night. I just saw two fellows climbing over the wall yonder--one had a sack. I am certain they're coming for this figure. I'll let 'em think the coast is quite clear, and then when they've got the figure in the sack--then I'll come on 'em like a ton of coal. I'll keep round about here. This is glorious.

[_Goes off, R. 1 E._

_Enter ALPHONZO and JANE, from refreshment-room. Alphonzo drunk._

JANE. Well, I must say you're a nice young gentleman! After failing to meet me at the mentioned spot, you get beastly intoxicated. (_Stamping her foot._) It is really shameful!

ALPH. 'Squse me, Jane, I'm not intoxicated--I'm excited. (_Aside._) I must propose to-night--I feel I must.

JANE. I think it's too bad of you, and I came here thinking I was going to enjoy a dance.

ALPH. Ah, Jane, don't think of dancing--think of what I am about to say!

JANE. (_Aside._) Oh, my, he's going to propose! (_Aloud._) What is it?

ALPH. (_Suddenly._) Jane, I have something burning within me----

JANE. (_Sighing._) Ah, me--ah, me!

ALPH. No, not an army--not the Salvation Army; but it is an indescribable something that soars on high--a something that--that---- Do not interrupt me.

JANE. I didn't interrupt you.

ALPH. Well, why didn't you? Ah, Jane, did you but know--if you only knew----

JANE. What?

ALPH. I don't know. Never mind, bring up all that is past and is to come. I have something to say to you--something to ask you, which means life or death to me.

JANE. (_Aside._) He's going to ask me to marry him. (_Aloud._) What is it?

ALPH. Tell me--tell me----

JANE. Yes--yes.

ALPH. Has your mother sold the mangle?

JANE. (_Smacking his face._) You're a fool!

ALPH. Jane, you have touched me on a tender spot.

JANE. Where?

ALPH. An unseen place. You have called me a fool! I can stand being called a thief, swindler, liar, or even murderer, but when a person calls me a fool, they insult the mother I board with! Away, woman, don't attempt to cajole me!

JANE. (_Crying._) I ain't--I don't want to cajole you!

ALPH. Why don't you come and _catch hold_ of me? Come and kiss me!

JANE. (_Crying._) I sha'n't, you nasty, ugly, dirty, drunken beast.

ALPH. When you speak loving words like those, I know you love me! Come and kiss your little snowdrop!

JANE. (_Annoyed._) Kiss you? Not I. When I kiss anyone it will be a fine, tall, handsome gentleman, someone who hasn't lost all idea of chivalry!

ALPH. (_Taken back._) I didn't mean what you said. I mean I didn't say what I mean!

JANE. I won't speak to you again. I will find a gentleman to take me home. (_Aside._) Ah, here comes a gentleman from the Pavilion! I will speak to him, and make little Alphonzo jealous. I'll serve him out for getting drunk.

_Enter AUGUSTUS from refreshment-room._

AUG. Ah, here you are, Alphonzo, and this I presume is your young lady, don't you know?

(_Bowing.--Business._)

ALPH. Yes, you do presume, don't you know! (_Aside._) This fellow will cut me out if I don't take care.

AUG. (_To Jane._) May I take the liberty of asking you to take a little refreshment?

JANE. Certainly!

(_Takes his arm._)

ALPH. Well, I shall get the needle in a minute. (_To Augustus._) Look here, old man, I am----

AUG. Some other time, old chappie!

ALPH. But I paid her fare down here!

AUG. Well, I'll take care of her till I see you are a little more sober, don't you know.

ALPH. No; I don't know.

AUG. (_To Jane._) There is going to be a little dancing in the pavilion.

JANE. Oh, that will be lovely!

AUG. And may I have the pleasure of your hand?

ALPH. He'll have the pleasure of my foot!

AUG. As I was saying, may I have the pleasure of your hand in the dance?

JANE. With pleasure.

(_Waltz played piano._)

AUG. Ah, they've started! Let us join the revelry.

ALPH. Go to the devilry! False girl, you have blighted my maiden heart!

(_Jane laughs._)

AUG. (_Laughing._) Ah, that's truly funny, old chappie, don't you know! Come along, Ma'mselle!

[_Exit Augustus and Jane into pavilion._

ALPH. Well, this is a pretty state of things! He walks off with my girl and calls her a dam sell. What shall I do? And to think I got this ring out of pawn to give her! I must regain her somehow! How shall I do it? I know. I'll ask her to marry me. I must practise it a bit. I have it. I'll practise with one of these figures. (_Looks at them._) No; I don't like the look of them--they ain't got enough cloth's on! Hallo, here's another! She's covered up. Let's see if she's dressed a little more decent.

_He throws the covering by, discovering VENUS. Limelight. Stage fully dark.--Picture.--She is discovered sitting on a chair--(trick chair)--her arm extended. As limelight falls full on her, HANDSAW appears, R. 1 E. Music--piano till end of Act._

HAND. (_Aside._) Hallo, another one! Then there's a gang of 'em here! I may have to get assistance.

[_Withdraws._

ALPH. (_Who up to now has been contemplating the figure._) My eye, ain't she a beauty! I'll practise with this one. Now, where's that ring? I wonder if it will fit her?

_Puts ring on the figure's finger. As he is doing so, HANDSAW looks on, R. 1 E._

HAND. I wish I could see his face. I can't get a glimpse.

[_Withdraws._

ALPH. Most lovely creature, here behold me at your very feet. (_Falls._) Quite so. I love the very ground I walk on! Say you will marry me, and you shall never know a moment's happiness? (_Business.--Scream inside pavilion._) What's that? Someone been run over? Never mind, as I said before----

(_Scream outside._)

_AUGUSTUS rushes in from refreshment-room._

AUG. Oh, old fellow, your sweetheart has just had----

ALPH. (_Excitedly._) Kittens? No, it cannot be!

AUG. Don't be a fool! She's just had a fit. Come and assist her!

ALPH. I'll be a husband to her; and I'll see if I can't _a sis_ter.

AUG. Come at once.

[_Rushes off into pavilion._

ALPH. I must get that ring off first. (_Business.--He tries to get ring off--can't._) I can't get it off--it's stuck! What am I to do? (_Scream inside._) There's Jane broke another button off her boots!

AUGUSTUS. (_Calling from inside._) Latherum, are you coming?

ALPH. I can't get it off! (_Very excited._) It won't come off!

(_Business--trying to get ring off._)

AUGUSTUS. (_Inside._) Are you coming? Her head's on fire!

ALPH. Fetch a fire-escape! Try a cabbage-leaf! What am I to do?

AUGUSTUS. (_Inside._) She's gone into hysterics.

ALPH. (_To figure, in desperation._) There you are, do you hear that? She's gone into rheumatics. Will you give that ring up?

VENUS. (_Moving for the first time._) No!

ALPH. (_Terrified._) Great Scott, I could have sworn I heard it speak! Am I bewitched? Am I dreaming? My head reels--I feel like a balloon with the gas going out!

(_Falls nearly under a seat._)

VENUS. (_Pointing to Alphonzo._) Dream on! That ring gives me life! Awakened out of my long, long trance, this ring has made thee mine! I feel the love within me now I did for Adonis. I will follow thee through the world. This ring has given me life, awakened me from my trance. Venus is not dead or ne'er can die! Love rules the world. I will rule--(_to Alphonzo_)--aye, rule thy future destiny! Dream on--dream on!

(_Front cloth falls in._)

(_Music, forte.--Close in "Clouds" flats.--First grove.--This scene is only to give time for a double made up like Alphonzo, to take his place. The rest of this absurdity is supposed to be a nightmare.--Gong.--Scene Opens._)

SCENE III.--_Same as Scene I.--Lights still down, no limelight. Alphonzo (double) laying on ground in exactly the same position._

_ALPHONZO (real one) standing by the figure trying to get the ring off._

ALPH. Curse the thing! I can't get it off nohow. (_Scream._) I must go and do something for her, or I shall lose all my chances of ever calling her my wife. I'll cover this figure up first. (_Throws cloth over figure._) Now, I'll go in and see what can be done!

[_Exit into refreshment-room._

_Music.--Enter TWO ROBBERS, one with a sack. They enter very cautiously, L. U. E. HANDSAW just peeps on, R. 1 E._

HAND. Hallo, two more! These are the two I saw get over the fence! Now to watch their little game!

[_Withdraws._

FIRST R. Now, Jim, just you place the sack over the statue's head, and then I'll get it across my shoulders.

_During this last dialogue, enter ALPHONZO, from pavilion._

ALPH. She's all right now! She was just waltzing round and she trod on her ear and fell over! Now, I'll get that ring. Hallo, what are those two fellows up to? If they discover that ring they may keep it!

FIRST R. Now, I'll take the cover off!

HANDSAW. (_Looking on, R. 1 E._) Now's my time!

FIRST R. Off with it!

(_They throw the covering from off Venus, and she has vanished. (Trick chair.) Chord._)

ALPH., SUPERS., and HAND. (_Speaking all at the same time._) It's gone!

_Enter EVERYONE.--Crowd from pavilion._

ALL. What's the matter?

_Enter VENUS, R. U. E. (Limelight.)_

VENUS. (_To Alphonzo._) Gentle youth, you brought me to life by the touch of the ring. I am thine.

ALPH. (_In astonishment._) Eh?

(_Everyone aghast.--Picture._)

END OF ACT I.