Chapter II

WITH all my troubles, however, my old nurse was very good to me on that sad Christmas Day. She left me alone. By this, I do not mean that she neglected me. My few wants were thoughtfully supplied, and whenever I looked into her kind face, I saw there a world of tender sympathy. But she did not speak much or trouble me with words, which would have been equally useless and meaningless at such a time. She kept the house quiet, and showed her desire to comfort me rather by deeds than words.

In so doing, Hannah Brown manifested a truer instinct than do many much better bred people. As a rule, one's friends, and kind ones too, think that in the first days of a great sorrow, we must be perpetually followed up and down, and consoled by torrents of commonplace verbiage. If they did but know the uselessness of words, and the pain of being compelled to listen, when the sore heart would fain bare its wounds before the Great Physician, and ask for healing at His compassionate hand alone!

Time, too, was precious with me. I must get work, and soon, though I knew not where to seek it. I had written to my own old governess, now the happy mother of a family, to ask her help, half hoping that she might find room for me as teacher to her children.

She would have done so, but already the post was filled by a kinswoman of her own. She did what was next best, and sent me the particulars of two situations, either of which she believed she had influence to obtain for me. I quote from her letter about the two places.

"Lady Minshull will engage you, Lois, if you think such a place as you would occupy at Westwood Park would meet your views. I have no fear as to your qualifications. Her children are young and accustomed to obey, which is a great advantage, especially to a beginner at tuition. But while you will have all outward comforts, the social atmosphere of Westwood is a cold one. You will be the governess, and as such, Lady Minshull will look down upon you with an air of conscious superiority. She will talk to you about her children in a thoroughly common sense way; but your intercourse will be a purely business one, and if you were to spend half your life under that roof, you and Lady Minshull would never come any nearer. Friendship or affection between her and a governess, however gifted and well-born, would never cross her mind as a possibility."

"Mind, you would have absolutely nothing to complain of; so far as externals go. But you would never call Westwood 'home,' and there would be some danger of your carrying a mummified heart in a living human body, for want of being allowed to love those among whom you found yourself. I do not know whether my being in the neighbourhood would be any compensation, but as my husband is Lord Minshull's lawyer, he goes to the Park very often, and I occasionally, so that we should meet sometimes."

"The other situation open to you is in a Yorkshire vicarage. There is a large family, eight altogether the two eldest boys are away at school, and two tiny girls are not old enough to need teaching; but your actual pupils would be five."

"You will smile at the arithmetic which adds two, two, and four, and makes the total nine, but the fifth is a girl of fourteen, the only child of a wealthy man in the immediate neighbourhood. She is taught with the vicar's children, and lives at the vicarage, within reach of her parents, who cannot wholly part with her, but who feel the advantage of companionship for their one darling."

"You will be surprised to find that the salaries offered by the titled lady and the poor parson are identical, namely, forty pounds a year and laundress's expenses. The vicar could not afford so much but for the liberal terms he receives with Mary Baxendell, but he is a conscientious man, and gives the governess her full share of this payment."

"He and his wife are well-born and highly intellectual people, of whose Christian practice I know enough to make me honour them with all my heart. They are really poor in this world's goods. Their surroundings are of the simplest, though not without refinement. Food, clothing, furniture—all, in short, at Hillstowe Vicarage, must needs be of the plainest. But it is the home of warm hearts and cultured minds, though a very long way from Askerton and Birch Hill, as well as from every one you have known. Choose for yourself, dear Lois, and may God direct you!"

I need quote no more. As I read the last lines of description, I caught myself saying, "Give me the home, however poor, so long as warm hearts shelter there, and the farther it is from my old one the better."

Then I read the prayer of my old friend, "May God direct you!" and, rebuked by conscience, I fell on my knees and asked for the guidance I so much needed. When I rose, after no stinted time, I found that conscience confirmed my first choice, with this one reservation; it suggested doubts as to the fitness of a girl of nineteen to teach those who were so few years younger than herself.

However, I wrote to the Rev. David Barr, at Hillstowe Vicarage, with all possible frankness, told him my age, position, and capabilities, as honestly and fully as I could in a letter, and awaited the result. He did not keep me in needless suspense, but met me with equal frankness, and owned that he had some doubts about engaging one so young.

"If I could see you," he added, "the difficulty which presents itself to my mind might vanish. But we are about two hundred miles apart, and an interview seems hardly possible, as I can neither afford the cost of such a journey nor offer to pay your expenses. I shall have to go about half-way in your direction three days hence; if you could afford to come the other half on the chance of an engagement, let me know."

I turned out the contents of my purse, already reduced by one-third, and resolved to risk journey. I could go by the cheapest train, which started early in the morning, but on returning, I must travel second class.

The bare railway fares would take more than one of my four remaining pounds. But I had an inward hankering after that Yorkshire home, and if I failed to obtain an entrance, there was Westwood Park to fall back upon, where the children were young; and Lady Minshull being absent, I need not send an answer for a week to come.

Hannah Brown packed a little basket for me, so that I should not need to buy anything at the refreshment rooms. A bottle of new milk, some home-made cake, a little packet of sandwiches—enough for me, and good enough for any one. The kind woman went with me to the station, on that frosty morning in early January, the crisp snow crunching beneath our feet and the stars glittering overhead, for it was hours before dawn. We had good two miles to walk, and the train started at six o'clock. On the road we met furniture vans, empty, but going to be filled with the contents of my old home, that they might be conveyed to the auctioneer's rooms and scattered at the fall of his hammer.

Such a meeting was not likely to raise my spirits, but I made no remark, though my eyes filled.

I was glad there was no stronger light for Hannah to discern my trickling tears. But I think her love made her conscious of them, for she whispered—

"Keep a brave heart, Miss Lois, and trust still. God is faithful, and He is above all. I don't think He would have given you such a spirit as you have, or such a bright disposition, unless He had known they would be wanted. He has bestowed many grand gifts upon you, though He has taken some away. You have health, strength, youth, and a good firm will of your own, as well as a loving heart and the power to feel for others. It is always a comfort to one who has been about children to say, 'I never knew the tongue of that girl utter a lie, or her hand act one.' You were always true, Miss Lois. Be so still. In your talk with this gentleman you are going to meet, seem what you are, and be sure you undertake nothing but what you can do. And may God bless and speed you!"

I had hardly time to answer; but the dear woman's words gave me fresh courage, and I felt my heart grow lighter and my hopes stronger as I sped on my way. It was bitterly cold, and it was a new thing for me to travel third class, but at any rate I was well wrapped, and as I looked at my fellow-passengers, I felt how many around me were far worse off than myself.

There was an ill-clad mother, with such a young baby and another two-year-old child. I could spare a shawl to the woman and her infant, and I took the other child, a clean, wholesome little thing, upon my knee. Fed with a little of my cake and milk, and huddled beneath my cloak, this child had a peaceful sleep. So the time was whiled away and the long journey shortened for us all. We got out at the same large station, and I rejoiced to know that the mother and her little ones were near home, and to see them taken in charge by the waiting husband and father.

The crowd of the passengers dispersed, and I stood alone, but not for long. A tall figure, whose dress bespoke the parson, and whose ruddy face suggested the country home, stepped forward and said, "Are you Miss Anstey?"

I replied, "Yes; and you, I presume, are Mr. Barr."

"It is very good of you to risk such a journey and in such weather," he said. "I wish my means had allowed me to make a less trying arrangement."

I thanked him and said, "I hope we shall be satisfied with the result of the journey."

Then Mr. Barr took me to the waiting-room, where he thought we might be able to talk without much interruption, as the porter said the next half-hour would be a slack time, with but few passengers about.

"You must have some refreshment," said Mr. Barr. "What will you take? I am going to lunch with a friend, so shall need nothing, but I must care for you. Hot soup, tea, or coffee would suit best, I think, after your cold journey."

"Thank you, I have all I need," said I, producing my basket; and spreading a snowy napkin on the waiting-room table, I uncovered my provisions, so neatly packed by Hannah's careful hands. I saw a look of interest and amusement on Mr. Barr's face as he watched me, and noticed that the basket contained a small drinking-glass, two plates for the cake and sandwiches, and that I drew out a silver pocket-knife, to divide the former with.

"You see, I have more than enough," I said. "Will you take a sandwich or a little of the cake and a draught of milk? Here is a second glass on the top of the water-bottle; and you, too, have been travelling."

Mr. Barr smiled and accepted my offer, while protesting that he ought to be the entertainer.

"You were right in saying that you stand in need of nothing more," he said. "You must be a very methodical young lady, Miss Anstey."

"I told him it was not I who had prepared and packed the provisions, but my old nurse, with whom I was staying until I could find a new home."

"But it was not your old nurse who washed and replaced this waiting-room tumbler, after polishing it on the corner of that spare napkin," he replied.

These words showed me that Mr. Barr was a keen observer, and that the smallest trait of character was not likely to escape him. This did not make me feel more comfortable, for I can truly say that I already formed no high estimate of my powers, and when he asked me a great many questions, I felt still more humbly about myself.

"Mrs. Goulding was mistaken," I thought, "when she told me that I could choose between Hillstowe Vicarage and Westwood Park. I doubt whet Mr. Barr will have anything further to say to one so inexperienced as myself. He seems to know so much and shows me that I know so little. However, come what may, I will pretend to nothing, profess nothing to which I am not fully equal."

I derived great comfort from remembering that I had striven prayerfully to leave myself in God's hands. I had asked Him to overrule all for my good, and was I to begin by fretting at the first prospect of not having the work to do which I had mentally chosen for myself?

I went on answering carefully and truthfully all Mr. Barr's questions. He paused after a time, then said, "You seem to have studied a great many subjects. Mrs. Goulding told me that you might be called a very well-educated, even an accomplished, girl."

"I have dipped into a good many things," I replied, "but I cannot be said to have studied the subjects. I have only a very superficial knowledge of any. How could I have more at my age? But my father thought it good to give me a little of each, so that I might afterwards improve myself by further study. I have no great talent for anything, and have obtained no special proficiency in any one of the so-called accomplishments. I keep working on and trying to improve, but I really know very little. I am afraid, considering the ages of Miss Baxendell and your eldest daughter, I should be more like a fellow-student than a governess, and that you will consider me too young to teach them."

Mr. Barr had been so very particular in his questions that I made up my mind to the loss of the money expended on my journey and the extinction of my hopes.

"You are young, Miss Anstey, and if you had told me you were fully competent to teach all the 'ologies into which you have dipped, I should have declined your services with thanks, and deeply regretted that I had been the means of bringing you so far. As it is, I believe you will suit us, if you think that such modest surroundings as ours will meet your requirements. I have made many inquiries, and perhaps tried your patience a little, but you will excuse this when you consider the circumstances. To the governess is entrusted the parents' most precious treasures; through her they will receive the instruction which will influence their after lives for good or evil. And my wife and I have a double responsibility resting upon us in making choice of a governess, because the one dear daughter of valued friends will receive the same instruction and impressions as our own children from her lips and life. Mrs. Goulding has told me your past history, and from her I know that you have been a dutiful daughter and are a brave-hearted girl."

"Your own lips have added the information that you are a true one, and that no thought of self-interest would induce you to give a false impression of your powers. You will have to work and study, no doubt, because your little cup of knowledge will be constantly drawn upon. You must try to keep replenishing it."

The revulsion of feeling produced by these kind words, and the knowledge that my journey was not to prove vain, rendered me almost unable to answer. For the first time since I met Mr. Barr, my voice trembled and tears came into my eyes. But I was very glad, and at length I found words to tell him so.

He knew, it seemed, that I might have gone to Westwood Park, for Mrs. Goulding had given him to understand that an engagement with Lady Minshull was absolutely open to me, should I not go to Hillstowe, and he asked me why I chose to come so far on a mere chance of being engaged by him.

"Because I wanted, not only to find employment, but a home," I replied.

"You shall have it at Hillstowe," said Mr. Barr. "I am a poor parson, and my wife and I are hardworking people. All about us is planned for the simple supply of our daily needs. We have no luxuries or superfluities, though I dare say many of our neighbours, looking at our troop of children, would say several of them were superfluous. But my wife is a true mother, and though her heart has so many occupants, she will find room in it for you. We have said nothing about holidays yet, but you will not be dissatisfied because yours are too short. The truth is, we have to send our eldest lads back to school before we have room for the governess, so you will come a day after they leave us, and begin your vacations a day before they commence theirs."

I would rather have heard Mr. Barr say there would be short holidays or none, since I had no real home. But I promptly reflected that, with forty pounds a year, I should be able to find one for myself, if no one invited me. There were always the lodge and Hannah Brown to fall back upon, though it would be terrible to return to the immediate neighbourhood of my old home. However, I was glad at heart, for my mission had sped, and I was not going to meet trouble half-way and on the heels of present success.

Mr. Barr saw me into the return train, and then bade me a kindly farewell, with a promise that I should hear from his wife soon. She wrote to me a few days later, and on the last Monday in January, I parted with my good old nurse, and started for Hillstowe Vicarage. Hannah Brown was very unwilling to receive payment for the homely accommodation afforded me at the lodge, but I took care that she should not lose by her goodness to me. When I reached Hillstowe I had a solitary half-crown left, and no certainty of more until Midsummer. Mr. Baxendell paid half-yearly for his daughter's board and education, and when his cheques came, in June and December, I should receive my share of their value.

Five months was a long time to look forward to when one had no certainty of a shilling beyond the half-crown aforesaid, without begging or borrowing; and against both plans for raising money I determinedly set my face.

My old governess had no idea of my poverty. My Uncle James never calculated how far five pounds would go in my present circumstances; perhaps he had so many calls on his purse nearer home, that he was afraid to glance in the direction of his orphan niece, especially as I wrote cheerfully of my prospects, and said I should soon repay his loan.

As I crossed the threshold of Hillstowe Vicarage, I felt that I had reached another of my six milestones.