Chapter V: Part 5

Now I am once more in London, paying daily visits of several hours to the office of my solicitor, in order to assist him in the preparation of my brief.

The other day, Baboo JALPANYBHOY and Baboo CHUCKERBUTTY RAM attended for the purpose of arranging their evidence, when I regret to say the former made a rather paltry exhibition of himself, being declared by Mr SMARTLE himself to be totally incompetent to prove anything whatever material to the case, and I am therefore resolved to refuse him admission to the witness-box.

I am more hopeful of Mr CHUCKERBUTTY RAM, who, I think, after diligent coaching from myself, may be induced to restrain his natural garrulity, and speak no more than is set down for him, which is simply that I have already, in his presence, contracted matrimony with a juvenile native, and that the laws of my country entitle me to marry several more.

This is in support of one of my most subtle pleadings of defence, to wit, that I have already offered to marry the plaintiff according to my country's laws, but that she did definitely decline such a marriage as polygamous (which it is indubitably liable to become at any moment), consequently, that my said contract is nilled by mutual consent.

Mr SMARTLE was of the opinion that the plaintiff's solicitors would move to strike out such a pleading as bad in law, since it is no defence to an action for breach of promise that the defendant is already the Benedick. Fortunately they have omitted to do this, and I anticipate exciting excessive admiration in Court by the ingenuity of my arguments from Analogy, Common Sense, Roman Law, &c.

My said solicitor has also communicated with Hon'ble Sir CHETWYND CUMMERBUND, to inquire if he would consent to appear as a witness to my dependent filial condition, and entire lack of the sinews of war; which, with fatherly kindness, he has agreed to do, and, as he rather humorously puts it, convince the jury that I am the good riddance of bad rubbish.

Now the decks are cleaned for action, and all is ready for the forensic logomachy as soon as it may please Providence and some associate in the Queen's Bench Division to place the suit of _Mankletow ~v.~ Jabberjee_ in the list of causes for the day.

My solicitor's advice, which I shall very probably adopt, is to keep as close as possible to the issues, and more especially to the point that, if I gave any promise to marry at all, it was extorted from me by threats of bodily violence which reduced me to a blue funkiness.

Also he recommends that I am not to attempt any golden-mouthed eloquence, thereby making the lamentable exhibit of a most stupendous ignorance of human nature!

For what can melt the stony hearts of men, causing them to bellow like an ox and become tender as chickens, or what can rouse them to Indignation, Approval, Contempt, Wonderment, and every other known sentiment as required, so effectively as the trumpeting tongue of oratorical eloquence!

All I can aver is that, if I am not to be permitted to draw the glittering sword of my tongue from the scabbard of my mouth, I shall infallibly, in sheer sickishness at such short-sighted folly, throw up my brief!

I must not omit to say that if any of my fellow-colleagues on this periodical (of course including Hon'ble Editor) should be anxious to become eye-witnesses of my forensic _début_, I shall be overjoyed to procure their admission and will instruct the Usher that they are to be awarded the seats of honour. Perhaps it might even be feasible for two or three of them to obtain appointments as jurymen.

If so, let them not turn the deaf ear to the gentle wheezings of their _esprit de corps_, but remember that it is not the custom for one eagle to peck another in his optics.

XXVIII

_Mankletow ~v.~ Jabberjee. Notes taken by Mr Jabberjee in Court during the
proceedings._

_Queen's Bench Court, No. ----,_ 10.20 A.M.

The eventful morn of my trial for Breach of Promise has at length arrived, and I am resolved to jot down on the exterior of my brief such tittles as take place. I have taken my seat in Court on one of the benches reserved for long-robed juniors; in my immediate rear being my solicitor, SIDNEY SMARTLE, Esq., who will officiate as my Remembrancer and Friend in Need.

In the Great Hall below I had the pleasure to encounter Miss JESSIMINA and that worthy Madam her Mamma, being prepared to greet them with effusive kindness, and assure them I was only a hostile in my professional capacity. Whether they were struck with awe by the unaccustomed majesty of my appearance in brand-new wig, bands, &c., in which I am fresh as a daisy, and fine as a carrot fresh scraped, or whether they simply did not recognise me in the disguisement of such toggeries, I am not to decide--but they passed by without responding visibly to my salutations.

10.25.--A stout, large Q.C., with luxuriant cheek-whiskers has just entered the row in front. Mister SMARTLE whispers to me that this is WITHERINGTON, whom I refused to engage, and who is now in opposition.

I have taken the undue liberty to pluck him by the sleeve and introduce myself in straightforward English style to his honourable notice, acquainting him that his unfortunate client had a very flimsy case, and was not deserving of success, while myself was a meritorious Native Neophyte, whose entire fortune was impaled on a stake, and urging him not to show too windy a temper to such a shorn lamb as his petitioner.

However, he has declined rather peremptorily to lend me his ears, nor can I induce his learned junior, who is my next neighbour, to show me any fraternal kindness. My said solicitor is highly indignant at my treatment, and warns me in an undertone that I am not to make any further overtures to such stuck-up individuals.

10.30.--Hon'ble Mister Justice HONEYGALL enters in highly dignified fashion. He is of a bland, benignant, and intensely clean aspect, which uplifts my downfallen heart, for it is obvious, from his benevolent and smiling bow to myself that he already feels a paternal interest in my achieving the conquest of my spurs.

The jury are taking the oath. Whether any of my co-contributors to _Punch_ are among them I cannot discover, since they do not vouchsafe to encourage me by the freemasonry of even a surreptitious simper. But this is perhaps occasioned by over prudence.

The learned junior on my right has risen, and in shockingly bald and barren verbiage has stated the issues which are to be tried, and, being evidently no Heaven-born orator, sits abruptly down, completely gravelled for lack of a more copious vocabulary. A poor tongue-tied devil of a chap whom I regard with pity!

WITHERINGTON, Q.C., is addressing the jury. He is not a tongue-tied, but he speaks in a colloquial, commonplace sort of fashion which does not shed a very brilliant lustre upon boasted British advocacy.

Though of an unromantic obesity, it appears from the excessive eulogies he lavishes upon JESSIMINA that he is already the tangled fly in the web of her feminine enchantments. What a pity that such a prominent barrister should be so unskilled in seeing through such a millstone as the female heart!

He is persisting in making most incorrect and uncomplimentary allusions to my undeserving self, which it is impossible that I am to suffer without rising to repudiate with voluble indignation! However, though he makes bitter complaints of my interruptions, he does me the honour to refer to me as his friend, for which I thank him with a gratified fervour, assuring him that I reciprocate his esteem.

Hon'ble Judge has just tendered me the kindly and golden advice that, unless I sit down and remain hermetically sealed, the case will infallibly continue for ever and anon, and that I am not to advance my interests by disregarding the customary etiquettes of the Bar.

11.5.--JESSIMINA is giving her testimony. Indubitably she has greatly improved in her physical appearance since I was a resident of Porticobello House, and her habiliments are as fashionably ladylike (if not more so) than Miss WEE-WEE'S own! Alack! that she should relate her story with so many departures from ordinary veracity. Her pulchritude and well-assumed timidity have captivated even the senile Judge, for, after I have risen and vehemently contradicted her in various unimportant details, he has actually barked at me that, unless I wait until it is my turn to cross-examine he will take some very severe measure with me at the rising of the Court! A pretty specimen of judicial impartiality!

1.30 P.M.--The Court has risen for lunch at the conclusion of a rather severe cross-examination by myself of the fair plaintiff, and, not being oppressed by pangs of hunger, I have leisure to record the result--which, owing to the partisanship of Hon'ble Bench, the disgracefully complicated state of the laws of Evidence, and Miss JESSIMINA'S ingenuity in returning entirely wrong answers to my searching interrogatories, did not attain to the sanguine level of my expectations.

For instance, when I asked her whether it was not the fact that I was notoriously deficient in physical courageousness, she made the unexpected reply that she had not observed it, and that I had frequently described to her my daring achievements in sticking wild pigs and shooting man-eating tigers.

Also she entirely refused to admit that the turquoise and gold ring I had given her was not in token of our betrothal, but merely to compensate her for not being invited as well as myself to a certain fashionable dinner-party; and the Judge (interrupting in the most unwarrantable manner) said that, as he did not understand that I seriously denied the existence of an engagement to marry, he was unable to perceive the bearings of my query.

Again, I reminded her of her mention of the gift of a china model of Poet SHAKSPEARE'S birthplace, and required her--on her oath--to answer whether it had not been originally intended for another lady, and whether, having accidentally seated myself upon it, I had not decided to bestow the _disjecta membra_ upon herself instead.

To which she replied, with artfully simulated emotion, that all she knew was that I had assured her at the time that the said piece of china had been expressly purchased for herself as a souvenir of my ardent affection, and she had accepted it as such, and carefully restored it with some patent cement.

Before this the Judge had asked me how I could expect the plaintiff to know what was passing in the tortuous recesses of my own mind, and informed her that she need not answer such a ridiculous question unless she pleased. But she did please, and her answer was received with applause, which, however, the Bench perceiving, though tardily, that I was entitled to some protection, did declare in angry tones that it was on no account to be permitted.

Next I inquired whether it was not true that she was of a flirtatious disposition, and addicted to laugh and talk vivaciously with the gentlemen-boarders, and whether I had not earnestly remonstrated with her upon such conduct. Here WITHERINGTON, Q.C., bounded on to his feet, and protested that I was not entitled to put this question now, since I had not dared to allege in my letters or pleadings that I had breached my promise owing to any misconduct of plaintiff. But, instead of submitting to such objection, JESSIMINA answered in mellifluous accents that she had never manifested more than ordinary civility towards any gentleman-boarder, but that I had displayed passionate jealousy of them all prior to my engagement--though never since, because she had never afforded the slightest excuse for remonstrances.

Whereupon she was again flooded with tears, which stirred my heart with tender commiseration; for her maidenly distress did only increase her charms to infinity. And the Judge, feeling fatherly sympathy for myself, observed very kindly that I had got my answer, which he hoped might do me much good. For which good wish I thanked him gratefully; and the Court was again dissolved in senseless cachinnations!

Next I cross-questioned her as to her refusal of my offer to marry on the ground that I was already the husband of one infant wife, and whether it was not the fact. She responded that I had referred her to Mr CHUCKERBUTTY RAM for corroboration of my story, and that he had informed her that my said wife was a _post mortem_.

Here I cleverly took the legal objection that what Mr RAM said was not evidence, and warned her to be careful, while the Hon'ble Judge partly upheld my contention, remarking that it was evidence that a conversation was held, but not of the truth of the facts stated in such conversation, thereby showing clearly that he did not credit her story.

Upon the whole, I am confident that I have at least silenced the guns of WITHERINGTON, Q.C., for upon the conclusion of my cross-examination, he admitted that he had no further questions to ask the plaintiff.

My solicitor says I shall have to buck myself up if I am to reduce the damages to any reasonable amount, and that he had been desirous from the first to brief WITHERINGTON. But this is to croak like a raven, for the cross-examining is, after all, of very minor importance compared to the Gift of the Gab--in which I am notoriously _nulli secundus_.

2.15 P.M.--The Court has returned. WITHERINGTON'S Junior has called JESSIMINA'S mother, whom I shall presently have the bounden but rather painful duty to cross-examine sharply.

Already I experience serious sinkings in stomach department. _Sursum corda!_ I must buck it up.

XXIX

_Further proceedings in the Case of Mankletow ~v.~ Jabberjee. Mr
Jabberjee's Opening for the Defence._

_Queen's Bench Court, No. ----,_ 2.40 P.M.

I have just resumed my seat after a rather searching examination of Madam MANKLETOW, as will appear from the notes of her evidence kindly taken by my solicitor:--

MY SOLICITOR'S SAID NOTES.

Mrs MARTHA MANKLETOW (_formidable old party--all bugles and bombazine_). Would certainly describe her establishment as 'select'; all of her male boarders perfect gentlemen--except defendant. Was never anxious to secure him for her daughter--on the contrary, would have much preferred her son-in-law white. Gave her consent because of the passionate attachment he professed for plaintiff. Nothing to her whether he was of princely rank or not. He appeared to be very well able to support her daughter, which was the chief thing. Had never threatened defendant with personal chastisement from other boarders if he denied any engagement. Did say that if he meant nothing serious after all the marked attentions he had paid the plaintiff, he deserved to be cut dead by all the gentlemen in the house. Insisted on the engagement being made public at once; thought it her bounden duty to do so. Did not know whether defendant was married already, or how many wives he was entitled to in his own country--he had taken good care not to say anything about all that when he proposed. Did not consider him a desirable match, and never had done, but thought he ought to be made to pay heavily for his heartless behaviour to her poor unprotected child, who would never get over the slight of being jilted by a black man....

Here I sat down, amidst suppressed murmurs from the Court of indignation and sympathy at such gross unmannerly insults to a highly educated Indian University man and qualified native barrister.

3.15.--More witnesses for plaintiff, viz., Miss SPINK and sundry select boarders, who have testified to my courtship and the notoriety of my engagement. Seeing that they were predetermined not to answer favourably to myself, I tore a leaf out of Mister WITHERINGTON'S book, and said that I had no questions to ask.... The plaintiff's junior has just sat down, with the announcement that that is his case. I am now to turn the tables by dint of rhetorical loquacity.

The annexed report, though sadly meagre and doing very scanty justice to the occasion, is furnished by my friend young HOWARD, who was present in Court at the time....

_Jab._ (_in a kind of sing-song_). May it please your venerable lordship and respectable gentlemen of the jury, I am in the very similar predicament of another celebrated native gentleman and well-known character in the dramatic works of your immortal _littérateur_ Poet SHAKSPEARE. I allude to OTHELLO on the occasion of his pleading before the Duke and other potent, grave, and reverent signiors of Venice, in a speech which I shall commence by quoting in full----

_Mr Justice Honeygall._ One moment, Mr JABBERJEE, I am always reluctant to interfere with Counsel, but it may save my time and that of the jury if I remind you that the illustration you propose to give us is hardly as happy as it might be. The head and front of OTHELLO'S offending, unless I am mistaken, was that he had married the lady of his affections, whereas in _your_ case----

_Jab._ (_plaintively_). Your lordship, it is not humanly possible that I can exhibit even ordinary eloquence if I am to be interrupted by far-fetched and frivolous objections. The story of OTHELLO----

_Mr Justice H._ What the jury want to hear is not OTHELLO'S story, but yours, Sir, and your proper course is to go into the witness-box at once, and give your version of the facts as simply and straightforwardly as you can. When you have given your own evidence and called any witnesses you may wish to call, you will have an opportunity of addressing the jury, and exhibiting the eloquence on which you apparently place so much reliance.

[_Here poor old ~JAB~ bundles off to the witness-box, and
takes some outlandish oath or other with immense gusto,
after which he starts telling the Jury a long rambling
rigmarole, and is awfully riled when the old Judge pulls him
up, which he does about every other minute. This is the sort
of thing that goes on:--_

_Jab._ At this, Misters of the Jury, I, being but a pusillanimous and no Leviathan of valour----

_The Judge._ Not so fast, Sir, not so fast. Follow my pen. I've not got down half what you said before that. (_Reads laboriously from his notes._) "In panicstricken apprehension of being severely assaulted _à posteriori_." Who do you say threatened to assault you in that manner--the plaintiff's mother?

_Jab._ I have already had the honour to inform your lordship that I was utterly intimidated by the savage threats of the plaintiff's mother that, unless I consented to become the betrothed, she would summon certain able-bodied athletic boarders to batter and kick my unprotected person, and consequently, not being a Leviathan----

_The Judge._ No one has ever suggested that you are an animal of that description, Sir. Have the goodness to keep to the point. (_Reads as he writes._) "I was so intimidated by threats of plaintiff's mother that she would have me severely kicked by third parties if I refused, that I consented to become engaged to plaintiff." Is _that_ what you say?

_Jab._ (_beaming_). Your lordship's acute intellect has comprehended my _pons asinorum_ with great intelligence.

_The Judge_ (_looking at him under his spectacles_). Umph! Well, go on. What next?

[_So old ~JAB~ goes on gassing away, at such a deuce of a rate
that the Judge gives up all idea of taking notes, and sits
staring at ~JAB~ in resigned disgust._ (_It was spell-bound
attentiveness._--H. B. J.) _~JAB~ WILL spout and WON'T keep to
the point; but, all the same, I fancy, somehow, he's getting
round the Jury. He's such a jolly innocent kind of old ass,
and they like him because he's no end of sport. The
plaintiff's a devilish fine girl, and gave her evidence
uncommonly well; but, unless ~WITHERINGTON~ turns up again, I
believe old ~JAB~ will romp in a winner, after all! I haven't
taken down anything else, except his wind-up, when of course
he managed to get in a speech._

_Jab._ Believe me, gentlemen of the jury, this is simply the barefaced attempt to bleed and mulct a poor impecunious Indian. For it is incredible that any English female, of genteel upbringings and the lovely and beauteous appearance which you have all beheld in this box, it is incredible, I say, that she should seriously desire to become a mere unconsidered unit in a bevy of Indian brides! How is she possibly to endure a domestic existence exposed to the slings and arrows of a perpetual gorilla warfare from various native aunts and sisters-in-law, or how is she to reconcile her dainty and fastidious stomach, after the luscious and appetising fare of a Bayswater boarding-house, to simple, unostentatious, and frequently repulsive Indian eatables? No, Misters of the jury, as warm-hearted noble-minded English gentlemen, you will never condemn an unfortunate and industrious native graduate and barrister to make a cripple of his career, and burden his friends and his families with such a bone of contention as a European better half, who will infallibly plunge him into the pretty pickle of innumerable family jars! I shall now vacate the witness-box in favour of my intimate friend and fatherly benefactor, Hon'ble Sir CHETWYND CUMMERBUND, who will tell you----

_The Judge_ (_rising_). Before we have the pleasure of seeing Sir CHETWYND here, Mr JABBERJEE, there is a little formality you appear to have overlooked. The plaintiff's counsel will probably wish before you leave the box to put a few questions to you in cross-examination, and that must stand over till to-morrow. (_At this, old Jab's jaw falls several holes._)

NOTE BY MR JABBERJEE.--_Hereford Road, Bayswater._--I am excessively gratified by the result of my first day's trial, being already the established favourite and chartered libertine of the whole Court, who split their sides at my slightest utterances. So I am no longer immeasurably alarmed by the prospect of being crossly examined--especially since WITHERINGTON, Q.C., has abandoned his brief in despair to a tongue-tied junior, who is incompetent to exclaim Bo! to a goose. Indeed, I have some thoughts of declining haughtily to be interrogated by a mere underling.

The only fly in the ointment of my success is the utter indifference of JESSIMINA to my aforesaid triumphs. At the termination of the hearing to-day, I beheld her so deeply engrossed in smiling and cordial converse with the smartly-attired curly-headed young solicitor who is acting on her behalf that she was totally unconscious of my vicinity!

Alackaday! _varium et mutabile semper foemina!_

XXX

_Mankletow ~v.~ Jabberjee (part heard.) Mr Jabberjee finds
cross-examination much less formidable than he had anticipated._

It is now the second day of my celebrated case, which is such a transcendental success that already the Court is tight as a drum, while a vast disappointed crowd is barricading imploringly at the doors!

I was about to harangue these unfortunates, assuring them I was not responsible for their exclusion, and promising to exert my utmost influence with the Hon'ble Judge that they were all to be admitted.

But my solicitor, seizing me by the forearm, hurried me through the entrance with the friendly recommendation that I was not to be the bally-fool.

In the trough I perceive JESSIMINA seated, in a hat even more resplendently becoming than her yesterday head-dress, and I am not a little puffed with pride to be proceeded against by a plaintiff of such a stylish and elegant appearance.

10.25 A.M.--After all, WITHERINGTON, Q.C., has paid me the marked compliment of turning up to personally conduct my cross-examination. At which SMARTLE, Esq., becomes lugubrious, averring that he is capable of turning my inside out in no time unless I am preciously careful. But, knowing that such inhuman barbarities are not feasible in civilised regions, I enter the box with a serene and smiling countenance....

_Later._--I am unspeakably delighted with the urbanity (on the whole) with which I have been cross-examined. For, to my wonderment, WITHERINGTON, Q.C., commenced with displaying a respectful and sympathetic interest in my career, &c., which rendered me completely at my ease, and though on occasions he did suddenly manifest inquisitorial severity, I soon discovered that his anger was mere wind from a tea-pot, and that he was in secret highly gratified by the nature of my replies. And for the most part he had the great condescension to treat me with a kind and facetious familiarity.

I had privately commissioned a shorthanded acquaintance of mine with instructions to take down nothing but my answers, but with inconceivable doltishness he has done the exact converse, and transcribed merely the utterances of Mister WITHERINGTON! However, as I do not accurately recall my responses, I am to insert the report here _pro tanto_, trusting to the ingenuity of the public to read between the lines.

HERE FOLLOWS THE REPORT.

_Mr Witherington, Q.C._ Well, Mr JABBERJEE, so it seems that it is all a mistake about your being a Prince, eh?... And, however such an idea may have originated, _you_ never represented yourself as a Rajah, or anything of the kind?... I was sure you would say so. You have such a high regard for truth, and such a deep sense of the obligation of an oath, that you are incapable of a deliberate falsehood at any time--may I take that for granted?... Very glad to hear it. And of course, Mr JABBERJEE, it was no fault of yours if people chose to assume, from a certain magnificence in your appearance and way of living and so on, that you must be of high rank in your own country?... But, though you don't set up to be a Prince, you are, I believe, a recent acquisition to the honourable profession of which we are both members?... And also a journalist of some distinction, are you not?... Indeed? I congratulate you--a highly respectable periodical. And no doubt the proprietors have shown a proper appreciation of the value of your services, in a pecuniary sense?... Really? You are indeed to be envied, Mr JABBERJEE! Not many young barristers can rely upon making such an income by their pen while they are waiting for the briefs to come in. May I ask if you intend to practise in this country?... The Calcutta Bar, eh? Then I suppose you can count upon influence out there?... Your father a _Mooktear_, is he? I'm afraid I don't know what that is exactly.... A solicitor? _Now_ I understand. So he will give you cases--in which I am sure you will distinguish yourself. But you'll have to work hard, won't you?... I thought so. No more pig-sticking or tiger-shooting, eh?... That's a drawback, isn't it? You're passionately devoted to tiger-shooting, aren't you? Unless I'm mistaken, you first won the plaintiff's admiration by the vivid manner in which you described your "moving accidents by flood and field"--another parallel between you and OTHELLO, eh? Well, tell me, I'm no sportsman myself--but it's rather a thrilling moment, isn't it, when a tiger is trying to climb up your elephant, and get inside the--what do you call it--howlah?--oh, _howdah_, to be sure; thank you, very much.... So I should have imagined. Still, I suppose, when you're used to it, even that wouldn't shake your nerve to any appreciable extent. You would bowl over your tiger at close quarters without turning a hair, would you not?... Just so. A great gift, presence of mind. And pig-sticking, now--isn't a boar rather an awkward customer to tackle?... "You never found him so"? But suppose you miss him with your spear, and he charges your horse?... Ah, you're a mighty hunter, Mr JABBERJEE, I perceive! Ever shoot any elephants?... _No_ elephants? That's a pleasure to come, then. Now, about your relations with the plaintiff prior to your engagement--you were a good deal in her company, weren't you?... Well, you constantly escorted her to various places of amusement, come?... Yes, yes; I am quite aware a _chaperon_ was always present. We are both agreed that my client has acted throughout with the most scrupulous propriety--but you liked being in her society, didn't you?... Exactly so, and, at that time at all events, you admired her extremely?... "Merely as a friend," eh? no idea of proposing? Well, just tell us once more how it was you came to engage yourself.... You were afraid your landlady would summon a boarder and ask him to give you a kicking?... And the prospect of being kicked terrified you to such an extent that you were willing to promise anything--is _that_ your story?... But you are a man of iron nerve, you know, you've just been giving us a description of your performances in the jungle. How did you come to be so alarmed by a boarder, when the attack of the fiercest tiger or wild boar never made you turn a hair?... But that is what you gave us to understand just now, wasn't it?... Then do you tell his lordship and the jury now that, as a matter of fact, you never shot a solitary tiger or speared a single boar in your life? Why didn't you say so at once, Sir.... Do you consider a misrepresentation of that kind a mere trifle?... In spite of the fact that you have solemnly sworn to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?... Very well, Sir, I will take your answer. Now, just look at this letter of yours. (Your lordship has a copy of the correspondence.... Yes, it is all admitted, my lord.) I'll read it to you. (_Reads it._) Now, Sir, is it the fact that you ever actually consulted the gentleman who enjoys the distinction of being astrologer to your family upon your marriage with the plaintiff? Be careful what you say.... And did he ever forbid you to contract such an alliance?... Then was there a word of truth in all that?... I thought as much. Let me read you another letter. (_He reads._) Here, you see, you make quite another excuse. You are already married, and can only offer the plaintiff the position of a rival wife, or "_sateen_," as you call it. Have you ever contracted an infant marriage in India?... Oh, that _is_ true, is it? But why, when you were paying these attentions to the plaintiff, did it never occur to you to mention the fact that you were a married man?... "You don't know?" May it not have been because you were a widower? Was your infant wife alive or dead when you wrote this letter?... Then why did you write of her as if she were alive?... I quite believe _that_--but why were you so anxious to break it off just then?... Well, when you were cross-examining the plaintiff you asked her about a certain china ornament you had given her, which seems to have been originally intended for another young lady. We needn't mention her name here--but you made her acquaintance some time after your engagement, didn't you?... And since you left Porticobello House, you have seen a good deal of her, eh?... You were a great admirer of hers, weren't you?... I'm not asking you whether she is engaged to a Scotch gentleman at the present moment--I'm putting it to you that, at the time you were writing these letters to the plaintiff, you had already formed the conclusion that this other young lady was more deserving of the honour of being the second Mrs JABBERJEE.... I am not suggesting that you could help it--but wasn't it so?... Very well--that is all I have to ask you Mr JABBERJEE. You can go....

I must not omit to record that my replies and the reading of my letters did excite frequent and vociferous merriment, and in other respects I have testified so exhaustively that my solicitor informs me it is not worth a candle to call any further witnesses--especially as Hon'ble CUMMERBUND has intimated that he prefers to blow unseen, and as for Baboo CHUCKERBUTTY RAM, he, it seems, has of course been seized by such violent indisposition that he was compelled to leave the Court.

So I am now to deliver one more brief oration, which will infallibly secure me the plerophory of the jury and exalt my head to the skies as Cock of the Roost.

Only I regret that JESSIMINA'S visage is now completely invisible to me, being obscured by the dimensions of her hat, also that she should carry on such protracted confabulations with her curly-headed professional adviser--which is surely lacking in most ordinary respect for myself and Hon'ble Justice HONEYGALL!

XXXI

_Mankletow ~v.~ Jabberjee (continued). The Defendant brings his Speech to
a somewhat unexpected conclusion, and Mr Witherington, Q.C.,
addresses the Jury in reply._

My aforesaid shorthanded acquaintance has very fortunately preserved the literal transcript of my concluding oration, which will afford a feeble idea of the grandiloquence of my loquacity.--H. B. J.

VERBATIM REPORT (_unofficial_).

_Baboo Jab._ May it please your mighty honour and great notorious gentlemen on the jury, it must present a strange and funny appearance to behold a young Indian B.A., provided with a big education and the _locus standi_ of barrister-at-law, crawling humbly towards your footstools as a suppliant, and already I perceive from your benevolent and smirking visages that your hearts are favourably inclined towards your unfortunate son, and that you are too deeply imbued with serpentine wisdom to be at all bamfoozled by the _ad captandum_ charms of feminine cajoleries. Indeed, I am a poor penniless chap, if not almost completely dead for want of funds, and if I had only been able to call my revered and fatherly benefactor, Hon'ble Sir CUMMERBUND, he would infallibly have testified--

_The Judge._ As you did not think proper--no doubt for excellent reasons--to put Sir CHETWYND in the box when you could have done so, Mr JABBERJEE, I shall most certainly not allow you to make any comments now upon the evidence he might or might not have given.

_Baboo J._ I beg to knuckle very submissively to your lordship's argument. The fact is, that the said Sir CUMMERBUND, on hearing my answers when I was acting in the capacity of a harrowed toad under my friend WITHERINGTON'S cross-examination, very handsomely stated that I had left nothing for him to say, and begged modestly that he might be excused. But indeed, Misters, I occupy but a very beggarly apartment in this Fools' Hotel of a world, and it is the moral impossibility for me to pay any damages whatever! Moreover, it is a well-authenticated fact that I am a shocking coward, and was induced to become affianced by haunting apprehensions of receiving a succession of severe kicks. For how, being suddenly put to my choice between being barbarously kicked and punched or acquiring a spruce and blooming bride, could I hesitate for a moment to accept the lesser of two evils? Nevertheless, I did remain uninterruptedly devoted to the plaintiff for many weeks--until I encountered a still younger and more bewitching lady, who became the Polar Star to my compass-like heart. But, lack-a-daisy, Sirs! though I left no stones unturned to be off with my Old Love, I did not get on very fortunately with the New, seeing that she preferred an affluent young Scotch, whereby I am reduced to shedding tears in silence and solicitude between two stools! (_Roars of laughter._) Misters, like the frog that was being lapidated by thoughtless juveniles, I reply:--"for you it may be facetious; but to myself it is a devilishly serious affair!" For, after beholding the plaintiff here and discovering that she had advanced rather than retrograded in physical attractiveness, I made cordial approaches to her, but she passed me by with a superciliously exalted nose! Gentlemen, it is a terrific piece of humbug for her to allege that her heart has been infernally lacerated by my unfaithfulness, when, at this very moment, instead of lending her ears to my brief and rambling oration, she is entirely engrossed in flirtatious converse with her curlypated juvenile solicitor! (_Sensation._)

_Witherington, Q.C._ (_rising_). My lord, I really must protest. There is absolutely _no_ justification for the defendant's outrageous insinuation. I am informed by Miss MANKLETOW that she simply asked the gentleman sitting next to her whether he had seen her smelling-salts!

_The Judge._ I fail to see, Mr JABBERJEE, what advantage you can hope to gain by these highly irregular digressions. The plaintiff is under my immediate observation, and I have seen nothing in her conduct during the trial of which you have the smallest right to complain.

_Bab. J._ I am highly satisfied by your lordship's _obiter dictum_. Not being in such a coign of vantage as your honour's excellency, I was misled by the propinquity of heads viewed from the rear. Now, before again becoming a sedentary, I am to propose a decisive test of plaintiff's _bona fides_ in desiring my insignificant self as a spouse. Herewith I beg humbly to have the honour of renewing my formal proposal of marriage, and moreover will pledge myself in most solemn and business-like style never on any account, whether so permitted by laws of country or _vice versâ_, to take to myself a single additional native wife in her lifetime. This handsome offer is genuine and without prejudice, and I will take leave to remind plaintiff, in the terms of a rather musty adage, that she is not too closely to inspect the mouth of such a gifted horse as myself. (_Great laughter, and some sensation in Court as ~JABBERJEE~ sits down._)

_Witherington, Q.C._ Your lordship will see that this--ah--rather unforeseen development renders it necessary that I should ascertain the plaintiff's views before proceeding to reply. (_The Judge nods: breathless excitement in Court while the plaintiff's solicitor carries on an animated conversation with ~Mr W.~ in undertones._)

_Witherington_ (_rising once more_). Gentlemen, I have, as it was my duty to do, consulted the plaintiff respecting the unusual course which the defendant has thought proper to take. Her answer to his proposal is the answer which I am sure you will feel is the only possible one in the circumstances. (_~JAB.~ beams._) The plaintiff, gentlemen, has undergone the severest ordeal a young woman of delicacy and refinement can be called upon to endure (_"Hear, hear!" from ~JAB.~_), and out of that ordeal I think you will all agree she has come absolutely unscathed.

I need hardly say that she is incapable now of harbouring any unworthy sentiments of rancour or revenge. (_~JAB.~ beams more effulgently still._)

_But_, gentlemen, there are some injuries which, as you know, a woman may find herself able to excuse, to palliate, even to condone; but which she feels nevertheless must operate as an insuperable and impassable barrier between herself and the individual who could be capable of them! (_~JAB.'S~ smile becomes a trifle less assured._)

After the disgraceful and unmanly attempts the defendant has made to evade his obligations; his disingenuous defences; his insulting innuendoes; after the deplorable exhibition he has made of himself in that box; and especially after the sombre picture he himself has painted of the domestic future he has to offer; after all this, I ask you, gentlemen, is it likely, is it possible, is it even conceivable that the plaintiff can retain any respect or affection for him, or have sufficient courage and confidence to entrust her happiness to such hands? (_~JAB.'S~ face gradually lengthens._)

Once, it is true, under the glamour of her own girlish illusions, she was ready to expatriate herself, to endure an alien existence, and strange manners and customs for his beloved sake; but now, now that her ideal is shattered, her dream dispelled,--now, it is too late! Gentlemen, my client's answer is--and it is one which will only command your increased respect:--"No. He has broken my heart, undermined my belief in human nature, cast a blight upon my existence. (_~Miss M.~ sobs audibly, here, and ~JAB.~ is visibly affected._) Much as I should like to recover my old belief in him, much as it would be to my worldly advantage to marry a wealthy Bengali barrister with talents and influence which are certain to lead to rapid promotion in his native land (_~JAB.~ bows, and then shakes his head in protest_), he has made me suffer too much, I cannot accept him now!"

(_The learned Counsel then dealt exhaustively with various portions of the case, and concluded thus._) Well, gentlemen, I shall not have to trouble you with many further remarks, but I will just say this before I sit down:--The defendant amongst innumerable other ingenious excuses, has pleaded for your indulgence on the score of poverty. He has the brazen effrontery to plead poverty, forsooth! after complacently admitting, in that box, that he is earning at this very moment an income by his pen alone that might be envied by many a hardworking English journalist! I do not say this by way of making any reflection upon the defendant; on the contrary, gentlemen, I consider it does credit to his ability and enterprise. (_~JAB.~ bows again._) But at the same time it disposes effectually of his allegation that he is without means, and indeed, leaving his literary gains entirely out of the question, it must have been obvious from what you have heard and seen of his manner of living in this country that he is amply provided with pecuniary resources. Bearing this in mind, gentlemen, I ask you to mark your sense of his heartless treatment of the plaintiff, and the mental and social injury she has suffered on his account, by awarding her substantial damages; not, I need scarcely say, in any spirit of vindictiveness, but as some compensation (however inadequate) for all she has gone through, and also as a warning to other ingratiating but unprincipled Orientals that they cannot expect to trifle with the artless affection of our generous, warmhearted English maidens without paying--aye, and paying dearly, too! for the amusement. (_He sits down amidst applause._)

NOTE BY MR JABBERJEE.--Hon'ble Judge is to sum up after lunch. I am highly pained and disappointed that my friend WITHERINGTON should have shown himself a perfidious, and have taken the liberty as he quitted the Court to murmur the plaintive remonstrance of "_Et tu, Brute!_" into the cavity of his left ear.

My solicitor, SIDNEY SMARTLE, is of the opinion that my case is looking "a bit rocky," but that much will depend upon how the Judge sums up. What a pity that, owing to judicial red-tapery, I am prohibited from popping in upon him at lunch and importuning him to pronounce a decree in my favour!

XXXII

_Containing the conclusion of the whole matter, and (which many
Readers will receive in a spirit of chastened resignation) Mr
Jabberjee's final farewell._

_Queen's Bench Court, No. ----,_ 2 P.M.

Hon'ble Justice HONEYGALL is now summing-up, in such very nice, chatty, confidential style that it is impossible to hear one half of his observations, while the remainder is totally inaudible.... Nevertheless, I already gather that he regards the affair with the restricted narrowminded view that it is simply the question of damages.... He appears to be now discussing whether my testimony that I am of such excessive natural funkiness as to be intimidated by a few threats into my matrimonial engagement is humanly credible.... I cannot at all comprehend why, at his frequent references to my alleged tiger-slaughters--which, with shrewd commonsense sapience, he seems to consider mere ideally fabricated fibs and fanciful yarns--the whole Court should be so convulsed with unmeaning merriment, nor why so stern a Judge does not make any attempt to check such disorderly interruptions....

So far as my imperfect hearing can ascertain, he has been instructing the jury that they may utterly dismiss from their minds my highly ingenious plea of inability to offer any other kind of matrimony than a polygamous union--surely, a very, very slipshod off-hand method of disposing of such a nice sharp quillet of the Law!... He is talking to them about my means, and has thrown out a rather apt suggestion that I may have been led by sheer vaingloriousness and Oriental love of hyperbole into exaggerating my resources.... However, he "sees no reason to doubt my competence to pay a reasonable amount of damages"--an opinion with which I am not so pleased. "If the jury think me a gay sort of Hindoo deceiver, who has heartlessly trifled with the affections of a simple, unsuspecting English girl, that will lead them to award substantial damages. If, on the other hand, they consider myself an inexperienced Oriental ninnyhammer of a fellow, who has been entrapped into an engagement by an ambitious, artful young woman--why, that may incline them to inflict a merely nominal penalty." (But why, I should like to know, does a Judge, who is infinitely more capable than a dozen doltish juryman to express a decided opinion, thus put on the double-faced mask of ambiguity, and run with the hare and halloo with the hounds, like some Lukeworm from Laodicea?) ... Now he is mentioning "certain circumstances, which he is bound to tell the jury have made a strong impression on his own mind." ... Alack, that, owing to the incorrigible mumbling of his diction, I cannot succeed in ascertaining what these said circumstances are!... He has begun (I think) to discourse concerning my latest offer of marriage in open Court. What a pity that hon'ble judges should not study to acquire at least ordinary proficiency in such a simple affair as Elocution!

"It may strike you, gentlemen, that if the plaintiff had any genuine affection for the defendant, or any actual intention of linking her lot with his, she would----" (the rest is a severe mumble!) "Or again, you may take into consideration----" (but precisely _what_ they are to take is, to myself, a dumb show!). "Still, after making every possible allowance for the idealising effects of the tender passion upon the female judgment, I confess I find it a little difficult to persuade myself that----" (Again I am not in at the finish--but, from the bristling and tossing of JESSIMINA'S hat-plumes, I am in great hopes that it contained something complimentary to myself.) ... He has just concluded with the observation that, "after what they have seen and heard of the defendant during the proceedings, the jury should find little difficulty in arriving at a fairly accurate estimate of the loss which a young lady of British birth and bringing-up would sustain by her failure to secure such a husband."

From the last it is clear that his hon'ble lordship meant that, in secret, he has the highest opinion of my merits, though he entirely overlooked the obvious fact that he would have better carried out his benevolent and patronising intentions towards me by affecting (just now) to consider me only a worthless poor chap. But even the most subtly-trained European intellects are curiously backward in such elementary chicaneries!

3 P.M.--The jury are assembling their heads. They seem generally agreed--except a couple of stout ones who are lolling back and listening with mulish simpers. If I were certain that they were fellow-colleagues from _Punch_, I would encourage them by secret signs to persevere--but who knows that they may not be partisans of the plaintiff? If so, they deserve to be condignly punished for such obstinate dull-headedness.... The foreman has asked that they may retire, whereupon Justice HONEYGALL answers them, "certainly," and retires his own person contemporaneously....

3.15 P.M.--The jury are still absentees. In reply to my questions, my solicitor says that, as far as he can see, the damages can't be under £250, and may amount to a cold "Thou" (or thousand)! Adding that, if I had only let him brief WITHERINGTON, Q.C., I might have got off with £50, or even what is nominally called a farthing. But I say to him, in such a case how could I possibly have acquired any forensic distinction? To which he has no reply ready.

3.30.--The jury are still delayed by the two stouts. I have just attempted to chat over the affair with JESSIMINA and Madame MANKLETOW, and ascertain whether the former will not accept myself at the eleventh hour as payment in full of all damages, costs, &c. Mrs M. replies that the jurymen are notoriously in favour of her daughter, and that she would as soon see her in gates of grave as the bride of a black man. On closer approach to JESSIMINA, I have made the rather disenchanting discovery that she has rendered her nose lilac from too much superfluity of face-powder. Perhaps, after all, the damages may not be so very.... The jury are coming back. Hon'ble Judge is fetched hurriedly.... Mister Associate asks: "Have you agreed upon your verdict?" Answered that they have. "Do they find for plaintiff or defendant?" "For plaintiff." And the damages? "_Twenty-five Thou!!!_" My stars! O Gemini! Who'd have thought it? My Progenitor will never pay the piper for such an atrociously cacophonous tune.... I am a done-for!

3.35.--All right. I was deceived by aural incorrectness. It is not twenty-five _thou._--but twenty-five _pounds_!

3.45.--Hiphussar! Cockadoodledoo! A mere bite from a flea!... The plaintiff has fallen into hystericals from disappointed avariciousness.... There is some idle talk about costs following the event, and certifying for a special jury--a luxury for which it seems I am not to fork out. The case is over.

* * * * *

Outside in the corridor and hall I was the cynosure of neighbouring eyes, and vociferously applauded as a "good old nigger," and told that "now they _shouldn't_ be long," though for what else they were waiting I could not learn. Madame MANKLETOW did overtake me near the doors and invite me to tea and talk in a coffee and bun emporium, hinting that she had recently misunderstood the state of her daughter's heart, and that she had in reality been ardently desirous from the first to accept my offer. To which I replied that the gates of grave were now hermetically closed, and that the plaintiff, like the fabulous canine, had thrown away the meaty bone of a first-class opportunity in exchange for the rather flimsy and shadowy form of a twenty-five pound note. But, as a chivalrous, I refrained from saying that I had been thus totally put off by an over-powdered nose.

Then I proceeded, amidst cheering populaces, up Chancery Lane to a certain Bar, wherein young HOWARD regaled myself and solicitor very handsomely upon anchovy sandwiches and champagne-wine, after which I returned to Hereford Road full of ovation and cheerfulness.

It is practically certain that my sire, the Mooktear, will cockahoop with paternal pride on hearing by telegram of my moral victory, and celebrate same with fireworks and festivities, besides sending ample remittances for all costs out of pocket, &c.

So I am now to return shortly to Calcutta, when my time will be too exclusively taken up with forensic triumphs for any further jotting or tittling for _Punch_, or similar periodicals.

After all, for a fellow who is able to enchant multitudes, and persuade their intellects and reasoning faculties by dint of golden verbolatory of diction, mere sedentary journalism is a very mediocre and poorly-paid pursuit!

Notwithstanding my cessation as a contributor, I shall, on arriving in India, infallibly recommend _Punch_ to all my innumerable aunts, families, and friends, as a highly respectable periodical--provided that the munificent and free-hearted generosity of those Hon'ble Misters, the Editor and Proprietors, shall account me worthy to draw a monthly retiring pension for my distinguished services.

And, with prostrated respects to my honoured readers and their respective relatives, I have the honour to remain, ever and anon,

Their Excellencies most grateful,
humble, and obedient servant,
H. B. J.

THE END

THE TEMPLE PRESS, PRINTERS, LETCHWORTH

[Transcriber's Notes:

Table of Contents corrections (page iv):
XXIX: opening changed to Opening to match text:
_Further proceedings in the Case of Mankletow ~v.~
Jabberjee. Mr Jabberjee's Opening for the Defence._ 235

XXXII: readers changed to Readers to match text:
_Containing the conclusion of the whole matter, and (which
many Readers will receive in a spirit of chastened
resignation) Mr Jabberjee's final farewell._ 265

Illustration captions changed in List of Illustrations (pages v-vi):
"Let out! let out!!" changed to "Let out! Let out!!"
to reflect text.
"Huzza! tol-de-rol-loll!" changed to "Huzza! Tol-de-rol-loll!"
to reflect text.
"I presented my trophy and treasure-trove to the fairy-like Miss
Wee-wee." changed to "I presented my trophy and treasure-trove
to the fairylike Miss Wee-Wee." to reflect text.

Chapter I, punctuation (page 1):
Changed : to ; to match TOC: "Mr Jabberjee apologises for
the unambitious scope of his work;"

Chapter IV, capitalization (page 30):
CO. changed to Co. for consistency: "Hon'ble REYNOLDS and TURNER
and GREUZY and Co. predominated as Old Masters."

Chapter V, spelling (page 33):
Jessiminia to Jessimina: "In consequence of the increasing demands
of the incomparable Miss JESSIMINA"

Chapter VI, spelling (page 46):
Mankeltow to Mankletow: "and that Misses MANKLETOW and SPINK were
similarly imperceptible."

Chapter X, spelling (pages 75, 78):
Jaberjee to Jabberjee: "Mr Jabberjee is taken to see a Glove-Fight."
fame to flame: "some, secreting their cigars in the
hollow of their hands, took whiffs by stealth, and blushed to find
it flame;"

Chapter XIII, spelling (page 96):
bethrothal to betrothal: "My preceding article announced the
important intelligence of my betrothal"

Chapter XV, spelling (page 117):
turqoise to turquoise: "Notwithstanding, she would not be pacified
until I had bestowed upon her a gold and turquoise ring of best
English workmanship,"