Chapter I: WASN'T going to make no statement about this here affair; and I (2)

And while my mind wandered this little bit, and I was thinking how funny it felt to be back in the chorus--do you get me?--I happened to take a look at the houses facing the park. And--believe you me--I got a jolt, for there we was standing right opposite Ruby Rosalie's house!

Well, I was that astonished to realize it you could of knocked me over with a sudden noise! Up to then I had been so interested in the other ladies and what they was doing I hadn't even noticed it.

And then, before I could really commence to think what a awful thing it would be if Ruby was to look out of the window and see me standing there, and think I was just in some chorus, and maybe that nasty Von Hoffman with her, and the both of them laughing their fool heads off, the officer says "Ten-shun!" he says. And, of course, I tenshuned, because of me being anxious to get everything he said when it come to instruction, and get it right.

Well, he told us a lot of dope on one thing at a time after he had got us in line, with the tallest at the right hand, which was me. And he told us very simple and then made us do it; and no camouflage, because--believe you me--he could spot any lady which done it wrong quick as a flash.

I will say he didn't have a whole lot of trouble with me, partly on account of me having had similar work before, and also my feet taking to new things so easy. But it took me about ten minutes to see that my patent Oxfords, with the Looie heels, was never going to do for this work. Though I hate to say it, the other ladies sure did bother him a lot. They couldn't seem to mind quick enough. And he had a lot of trouble making them keep at attention.

Every time we'd be that way, just to show what I mean, the lady next to me would forget and powder her nose. Oh, that wasn't no new sight to me! I seen worse in my day until they get used to it. But did that officer get mad? He did!

"Whatter ye think ye're at?" he yells. "A pink tea? Cut that stuff now! Attention is attention and youse is standing at it," he says. "The worst crime youse can commit is move without permission."

And--believe you me--I sympathized with him, I did, little knowing what I was about to do next my ownself.

Alas, that in ladies obedience comes so much harder than following out a impulse! For the officer had no sooner uttered them words, and I agreed with him, than I went back on him something terrible.

It was this way: As I explained, we was drilling in the park, and not alone in the park but also opposite Ruby Roselle's house. Well, of course, we was drilling on a open piece of grass, but at one side of this here grass was fancy bushes; you know--hedges and what not. And me, being on the end of the line, was nearest them bushes.

Well, as the sergeant was speaking I seen something move under one of them bushes; and, as Heaven is my witness, there was that pro-German alligator which had bit Jim on the nose and started all my troubles. There he was, walking very slowly, gold-and-diamond collar and all, and by his lone self, with nobody to protect him!

Well, I never stopped to think or salute, or ask nothing of nobody. All I knew for the time was that that damn alligator had somehow got out on his own, and that this was the chance of a lifetime. So, without more ado, I fell right out of attention and rushed over and reached into the bushes and grabbed the alligator by the tail.

Well, the officer hollered something at me, I don't know what, and all the ladies commenced screaming. And was I scared of that alligator? I was! But I held him up by the tail, and it didn't take me two minutes to find out that he couldn't bite me that way; and then my scare was gone.

I felt so good about getting him I didn't even care much what was being said at me by the drill sergeant. I just stood there holding tight to the alligator's tail and grinning all over myself. But up come Miss Lieutenant, who had been watching our drill--the one which had signed me up--and she was as mad as a hornet, only having a awful time trying not to laugh.

"What's this?" she says, indignant.

Fortunately the alligator was in my left hand; so I saluted.

"Enemy alien alligator!" I says.

"Dismissed from the ranks!" she says. "And report to Sergeant Warner at Headquarters at five o'clock."

Gee, but that made me feel bad! But she wouldn't listen to no explanations at all, and there was nothing for me to do except walk off to where the limousine was waiting. And, in a way, I was glad, because suppose Ruby had of looked out and saw the alligator in my hand! I couldn't of got away with him.

As things went, I got him safe into the limousine. And--believe you me--I didn't dare set him down for a minute for fear of his trying to get even with me; and so I was obliged to hold him at arm's length until we got home, which it is a good thing that it wasn't very far.

Well, when we got home you ought to of seen the elevator boys get out of the way! I walked in holding on to the alligator; and once I got to the flat there was Ma sitting in the Looie-the-Head-Waiter drawing-room, reading a cook-book. When she seen what I had I must say that for once she acted kind of surprised.

Of course, she ain't usually surprised, not after her having twice seen sudden death in the center ring, and the circus went on just the same. But alligators coming in unexpected is rather out of the usual. So Ma marked her place at sauces for fish, and took off her glasses so's she could see good, and give me the kind of stare she used to hand out when I got dirt on my Sunday-school dress.

"Why, Mary Gilligan!" she says. "For the land's sakes, where did you get that?"

"Caught it on the wing!" I says, very sarcastic, on account of my arm being nearly broke. "Can you cook it for supper?" I says.

"Well," she says. "I guess I can. What is it? A mock turtle?"

"It's a pro-German alligator," I says. "And if you'll just kindly help me instead of standing there staring at it, we'll intern it some place so's I can leave my arm get a rest."

Well, we certainly had a fierce time finding something to put him in, owing to us not being able to agree about what kind of a place he belonged. Ma was all for the goldfish bowl, claiming it was his native element; and Musette, who come in, thought the canary cage was better. But, realizing he couldn't jump very high, I had them get a big hat-box, and set him in that.

"And now what are you going to do with him?" says Ma as we all stood 'round looking at him; and my two fool dogs barking their heads off on account of a mistaken idea they had that he was a new pet. "What are you going to do with him?" says Ma.

"Unless you cook him, I don't know," I says--"except for one thing: I'm going to take that gold-and-diamond collar offen that brute and sell it and give the money to the American Red Cross; and I'm going to do it now!"

Believe you me, I was mad at that alligator! And no wonder! Just look at all the trouble he made me! So I didn't waste any time getting action against him. First off, I persuaded Ma, who was real brave, to hold a ice pick down on his nose good and firm, so's he couldn't open his face. Then I managed, after a lot of trouble, to get that bejeweled sinful collar off his neck. And was it a swell collar? It was!

As soon as I had it off we just left that alligator interned in the hat-box and looked the collar over good. It was made all of a piece and the jewels were certainly wonderful. I know quite a lot about them, me and Ma always having invested that way when we had a little extra cash.

Well, as we was looking the stones over carefully, I happened to rub one which was close to the snap, sort of sideways, and right off something happened: That there collar parted--yes, sir; parted!--the lining from the outside, and in the place between the setting and the inside frame was a couple of thin slips of paper!

Well--believe you me--it didn't take me long to get the idea; not after having a father and a mother which had been in the circus and had to think quick, and me having been associated with dramatic stuff all my life--do you get me? You do!

What with that collar having come off a alligator which I was already convinced was a pro-German, and knowing Von Hoffman had give it to Ruby Roselle, and got her to sing Overseas in that nasty costume made out of the national colors, which should never be done, I seen everything clear. Von Hoffman had a German job of some kind!

And when I unfolded those papers and seen they was full of funny little marks like a stenographer makes and then can't read, I realized that I had happened in on it; and so will any intelligent public.

Well, was Ma and Musette full of questions? They was! But I didn't wait to answer none of them; for I realized, also, that it was almost five o'clock, and I was supposed to report at Headquarters for a bawling-out at that time. And, after me having broken the rules once, I had no wish to do it again so soon.

Well, I just grabbed up the collar and the papers, and a clean pair of gloves, as the alligator had completely ruined what I had, and, having on my hat, waited not to explain, but made a dash for the street. And by a big piece of luck there was the limousine, still standing outside on account of I having forgot to tell John to go. Well, I told him "Headquarters!" and off we started; and I got there just on the dot of five o'clock.

Well, Miss Lieutenant was there, and a Miss Sergeant--the one I was reporting to--and that frowzy-looking lady I have spoke of before, and several other ladies, still in their uniforms. And while I was explaining, in comes the captain, which she certainly is a smart woman. And they all listened while I reported and told the whole story about Ruby and me and Jim and Von Hoffman and the alligator. Then I saluted and handed over said collar and papers in evidence; and then the captain spoke up:

"This material, which is undoubtedly in a foreign code, will be of interest to the Secret Service," she says. "This Von Hoffman is probably one of those persons who are active in the obviously deliberate effort to cheapen and degrade the quality of our patriotism," she says; "for I have heard that is part of the German propaganda here."

"Private La Tour, in view of the unusual circumstances, you are excused for your action in leaving ranks without permission," she says; "but next time remember to get your salute recognized," she says--"even under extreme conditions."

Then she went on, and she says:

"I understand you have given your car," she says. "Some member in uniform will take this evidence downtown in Private La Tour's car," she says, "which we now accept for the service."

Then she walked into her office, which said Private on it, and closed the door; and I watched one of the ladies in uniform go away, with the collar and the papers, in my limousine.

And after she had went I got a terrible scare, for it come over me all of a sudden that I hadn't even a nickel change on me to buy car fare home!

Well, just as I was standing there wondering how I was going to hoof it after the trying day I had had, that frowzy lady comes up to me, real kind, like she could almost see what I was thinking of; and she says:

"May I take you home in my car, Miss La Tour?" she says. "I have seen you dance so often that I feel as though I knew you. I am Mrs. Pieter van Norden."

Just get that, will you, will you? Her that I had been modeling myself on for refinement for years! And--would you believe it?--on the way home she told me she had been trying to dance like me since the first time she seen me!

Well--believe you me--I felt so good over this, and over having got the goods on Von Hoffman, and about being excused for making that bad break at drill, and not getting fired out of the Automobile Service, that I only commenced feeling bad about Jim and me again after Mrs. Van Norden had left me at the door of my place, and I was going up in the elevator.

As I was letting myself in with my key I got so low in my mind again that I felt I would just die if Jim hadn't phoned; and I knew he hadn't, for I'd given up hope. Well, I opened the door and went in. And then I got another shock; for right in the middle of the drawing-room stood Jim.

Well, first off, I didn't know him on account of him being in khaki; but when he turned around I nearly died for sure! But I didn't actually die. What I done is nobody's business but mine and Jim's. But I will say it was a second lieutenant-of-aviation uniform; and they show powder on the shoulder something terrible.

And he had been studying for months; and that's where he was every afternoon, and not out with some blonde, and wouldn't tell me for fear he wouldn't get it!

And I'm going to dance alone at night until he comes back, and all day drive a truck or something to release a man. And that's the whole inside story of the split, which is now readily seen is not a fight at all, at least not yet for we got married at once.

So, only one thing more: Regarding that alligator, Ma decided he would be too hard to cook. So Jim took him to camp for a mascot, and by the time he got through there he learned to understand American--believe you me!

II

PRO BONEHEAD PUBLICO

I

AIN'T it remarkable the way the war has changed the way we look at a whole lot of things? Take wrist-watches for one. Before the military idea was going so strong on its present booking but a little while, wrist-watches had grabbed off a masculine standing for themselves, and six months before no real man would of been willingly found dead in one!

Then take newspapers! Oncet we used to look at them for news, and now we just look at them. It's kind of a nervous habit, I guess. And take simple little things like coal and sugar. Why once we paid no attention to them and now we look at them real respectful--when we see them. Which leads me on to say that the war has brought us to look at a great many things we never even seen before, not if they was right under our noses. That's how I come to see that letter from the W.S.S. Committee--and would to Heaven I had not, as the poet says. For although--believe you me--most of the mail order goods a person buys is pretty apt to be as rep. because why would a customer write again which had been stung once, and thrift stamps is no exception, it certainly will be a long time before I fall so easy for anything the postman slips me. Next time I'll recognize that his whistle is a note of warning to more than them which has unpaid bills, which I have not and so never listened for him.

Well, anyways, the time this little trouble maker reached my side, I had slipped into a simple little lounging suit of pink georgette pajamas, and was lying on the day-bed in a regular wallow of misery on account of wondering if Jim was dead on the gory fields of France, or was it only the censor--do you get me? I was laying there rubbing a little cold cream onto my nose and thinking how would it feel to be always able to do so without losing my husband's love, which, of course, would mean he had died at the front, when in comes Ma with a couple of letters. I give one shriek and sprung to my feet, like a regular small-time drama, and grabbed them off her, cold cream and all. And then slunk back upon the day-bed and despair when I seen they weren't from Jim. Ma stood there with her hands on her hips until she seen I wasn't going to break any bad news to her, when she left me in peace to read them. That is she meant to, but believe you me, it was far from it as Ma went into our all-paid-for gold furnished parlour and commenced playing on the pianola which Jim had give me for a souvenir before he sailed, and Ma, being sort of heavy and strong, after twenty-five years with a circus, she has a fierce touch.

Well, anyways, after she had got "Soft and Low" going strong with the loud pedal and no expression, I opened the first envelope. It was my copy of my new contract with Goldringer all signed and everything and calling for only twenty minutes of my first class A-1 parlour dancing act in his new musical show at the Springtime Garden entitled "Go To It" and which let all persons know that the party of the first part hereinafter called the manager was willing and able to pay Miss Marie La Tour, party of the second ditto, one thousand dollars a week. Which certainly was _some_ party to look foreward to and scarcely any work to speak of, a refined act like mine not calling for over three handsprings and some new steps, which is second nature to me and I generally make up a few every night for my own amusement same as some of those fellows which play the piano by hand--do you get me?

Well, anyways, when I had looked the contract over good and seen it really was, as I had before realized in the office, more than satisfactory, I salted it away in my toy safe which was nicely built into the mantel-piece for the greater convenience of burglars, and then I remembered the other envelope. All unsuspecting as a table d'hote guest, I opened the envelope, and then almost dropped dead.

It was from President Wilson!

Believe you me, I leaned up against the art-gray wall paper and prepared to faint after I had read the news. But instead of commencing, "I regret to inform you of the death in battle," or something like that, it started:

"THE WHITE HOUSE,
"Washington, D. C.

"I earnestly appeal to every man, woman and child to pledge
themselves to save constantly and to buy as regularly as possible
the securities of the Government; and to do this as far as possible
through membership in War Savings Societies.

"The man who buys War Savings Stamps transfers his purchasing power
to the United States Government.

"May there be none unenlisted in the great volunteer army of
production and saving here at home.

"WOODROW WILSON."

Woodrow Wilson! Signed--and addressed to _me!_ Of course it didn't exactly begin "Dear Miss La Tour" or anything like that, and he had signed it with a rubber stamp or something which I did not hold against him in the least, me realizing at once what a busy man he must be. But coming as it done instead of a death-notice which I had by this time fully expected after no letter for over a month, it got to me very strong. It made me feel all of a sudden that I was a pretty punk patriot lounging around in pink georgette pajamas which--believe you me--is no costume for war-work and felt like going right off and borrowing one of the gingham house-dresses which I have never been able to break Ma of, only, of course, it would of been too big and anyways what would I of done after I had it pinned around me? Which could be said of a whole lot of folks which were rushing into uniforms of their own inventing.

Well, anyways, after the first shock was over, I seen there was an enclosure with the President's letter. This was from some committee which had a big W.S.S. lable printed at the top and a piece out of the social register printed underneath, and was dated N. Y. It begun more personal.

"Dear Miss La Tour," it said. "As a woman so prominent in the theatrical world, we feel sure that you would be glad to take an active interest in the great Thrift movement which is now before the country. Will you not form a theatrical women's committee that will pledge the sale of twenty-five thousand dollars' worth of stamps on the first of the month? The first of every month will be observed as Thrift Stamp Day, and we will be glad to furnish you with all literature, stamps, etc., if you will notify headquarters of your willingness to do this work."

The letter was signed by some guy which it was impossible to read his name because he hadn't used no rubber stamp but did it by hand and had other things on his mind. But did I care? I did not! Believe you me, I had already decided to do like he asked, and why would I need to know his name when I wasn't going to write to him anyways, but to Mr. Wilson? Dancing as long as I have which is about fifteen years or since I could walk, pretty near, and not only professionally but drawing my own contracts from the time most sweet young things is thinking over their graduation dresses, I have learned one thing, if no other. Always do business with the boss. Refuse to talk to all office boys, get friendly with the lady stenographer, if there is one, but do all business with the one at the head--and no other! This motto has saved me no end of time which has been spent in healthy exercise under my own roof and Ma's eagle eye, which otherwise might have wore out the seats of outside-office chairs.

And so I concluded that I'd sit right down that minute and let Mr. Wilson know I was on the job. I knew I had some writing paper someplace and after I had took a lot of powder and chamois and old asperin tablets out of the desk I dug it up:--a box of handsome velour-finish tinted slightly pink, with envelopes to match. And I got hold of a pen and some ink which Musette, my maid, had overlooked, she being a great writer to her young man which is French and Gawd knows how fluent she writes him in it, only of course being born over there certainly makes a difference.

Well, anyways, I cleaned off the desk and rubbed the cream off my nose and hands and set down to write that letter. And--believe you me--it was some job. I guess I must of commenced a dozen times and tore them up with formal openings--do you get me? And then I realized that the box of pink tinted was getting sort of low and I had better waste not want not, and so determined to just be natural in what I wrote but not take up his time with too long a letter. So at last I threw in the clutch, gave myself a little gas, and we was off, to this effect.

"My dear Mr. Wilson:--

"Many thanks for yours of the 25th inst. Will at once get busy at
helping to make the first of the month savings day instead of
unpaid-bill day.

"Cordially,
"MARIE LA TOUR."

This seemed refined and to the point, and although I was awful tempted to put a P.S. asking did they know anything about Jim, I left off on account of me not believing in asking personal favors of the Government just now, as the war office was probably medium busy and the Censor might answer first, at that. So I just sealed it up as it was, and about then Ma left off playing on my souvenir and came in with a pink satin boudoir cap down tight over her head. Ma just can't seem to get over the idea that boudoir caps at five dollars and up per each is a sort of de lux housework garment.

"I'm just going in the kitchen and beat up a few cakes for lunch," said Ma, and withdrew, leaving me to lick on three cents and shoot the letter fatefully and finally down the drop near the gilt-bird-cage elevator of our home-like little flat. I felt awfully relieved and chesty somehow when it was done and with her good news ringing in my ears. For Ma is certainly some cook, and she has it all over our chef, who--believe you me--knows she would never be missed if she went although Ma simply can't learn to stay out of the kitchen. And while she was busy with the butter and eggs and sugar and wheat flour, I was deciding to call a committee, because I knew that was the way you generally start raising twenty-five thousand dollars worth of anything, except a personal note.

Committee meetings is comparative strangers to me except the White Kittens Annual Ball, and a few benefit performances which last is usually for the benefit of those which are to be in it, they leaving aside all consideration of the benefit of the audience much less of the charity it is supposed to be for, and the main idea being how long each actor can hold the spotlight. You may have noticed how these benefit performances runs on for hours.

Well, anyways, I having been to several such as of course the best known parlour dancing act in America and the world, like mine undoubtedly is, is never overlooked. And I knew we had to get a place with a big table and chairs set around it and then the committee was started. So the White Kittens always having met in the Grand Ball Room of the Palatial Hotel, I called up the place and hired the room for the next morning at twelve-thirty, me being determined that my Theatrical Ladies Committee should get there directly after breakfast. The cost of the room was one hundred dollars, and I didn't know was the Government to pay it or us, but I was, of course, willing to do it myself if necessary. Anyways it was a committee-room, I knew that by reason of my having sat in it as such at least twice each year since the place was built--way back in '13. Then all I had to do was get my committee.

I had just about dived for the telephone book to see who would I call up, when Ma come in, taking off the pink satin cap and wiping her face.

"I made a omlette," said Ma. "Come catch it before it falls!"

And so I called it the noon-whistle though some might of called it a day, and we went in and while we ate only a simple little lunch of the omlette (which we got at first base) and liver and bacon and cold roast beef and a few stewed prunes with the fresh cake, I told Ma about what had happened, and how I had already got after the job.

"Well, Mary Gilligan, you done the right thing!" said Ma. "And what kind of costume are you going to wear?"

"The notices don't say anything about a uniform," I explained to her. "And I'm pretty sure you don't need any. This is the sort of thing our leading society swells are taking up so heavy," I says, "and to do it is not only patriotic but feminine to the core," I says.

"Will you have to stand on the street-corners and worry the life out of folks?" Ma wanted to know.

"Not much!" I says. "That stuff is for the hoi-poli and idle rich and kids and unemployed. That's where some of the new democracy comes in. Us with brains is to do the office work. Them with good hearts only can do theirselves and the country more service in the stores and street-cars selling something that don't belong to them," I says, "and--believe you me--I bet any American gets a funny sensation doing that little thing."

Ma looked real impressed for a minute, showing she hadn't any idea what I was talking about. Then she come back to her main idea with which she had started which you can bet she always does until she gets through with it her own self.

"Well, I think you ought to have something for a uniform," she says. "Say a cap and maybe a trench coat!"

"I wouldn't wear no trench coat around the Forty-Second Street and Broadway trenches," I says. "I wouldn't actually have the nerve to insult the army like that!"

And Ma seen what I meant and said no more which it certainly is remarkable how good we get on for Mother and daughter.

So she only urged me to have another cream-cake, which I took and then I made for the phone and started calling up some ladies to form the committee out of. After thinking the matter over very careful I finally decided on six of the most prominent in my line which was, of course, the Dahlia sisters which had been often on the same bill with me and, of course, they ain't really related--no such team work as theirs was ever pulled by members of the same family, unless maybe when knocking some absent member--do you get me? Well, anyways, beside them I got Madame Clementina Broun, the well known Lady Baritone, she being a rather substantial party which would give weight to us in cabaret circles. Of course Pattie The Dancer had to be asked, she being so prominent especially as to her tights and strong pull with Goldringer but I only done it out of diplomacy, which any one knows committees has to have a lot of. And she is less diplomatic than me as well, for instead of just accepting for her own self she accepts also for some friends which I had not invited, and she did not name. Pattie is alias Mrs. Fred Hutchins--him who gets up those reviews--you know--which is the only reason she is starred in them for Gawd only knows a child which had been started anywheres near right could of done her steps at the age of seven, they being mere hard-sole clog with no arm movements but having a great many imitators among college boys and such, that scare-crow stuff being as showy as it is easy.

Well, anyways, when I had got this far I had one vacancy on my hands and as our Allies was not sufficiently represented so far, decided on Mlle. DuChamps which of course she was really born in Paris, Indiana, but as a toe-dancer is unequalled in any language and has a lovely broken accent. So there we had France. Madame Clementia was married to a Italian and he being dead or something I never asked what I felt she was a safe Ally because she couldn't of revolted, not if a schrapnel was to have went off under her. Pattie was of course Irish and the Dahlias' Jewish, and Gawd knows what the other girl was and I didn't care.

II

WHEN they had all promised to get theirselves waked up on time and be over to the Palatial, I kind of weakened on Ma's suggestion about clothes. Of course I wasn't going to fall for that uniform stuff, but when me and Musette looked over my clothes I simply didn't have a thing to wear. Every one of my dresses was too morning or evening or something and above all things I do believe in dressing a part, and certainly I had nothing which looked like a chairmaness. So after getting into a simple little sports costume of violet satin and my summer furs, and taking a peep into the mail box to see had anything got by the censor yet which of course it hadn't, I started out to buy me something which would be quiet but tasty and snappy because nothing inspires respect in a ladies committee like a dress none of them has seen before.

Have you ever noticed how you can pass up something which has been right under your nose day after day and then all of a sudden you hitch on to something which belongs to it and then all you see is that thing--do you get me? Say yellow kid boots. You never even noticed a pair, but one day you buy them and next time you're out every second woman has them on. Or you go into mourning for somebody and all of a sudden you commence noticing how many other people is the same only of course there ain't over the average--it's only that you notice it because you are in it. Well, believe you me--that first afternoon I went out after receiving the President's letter, I was that way with this W.S.S. stuff. Of course I had bought my thousand dollars worth the first week they was out, as had also Ma and she and I together the same for Musette. But we had done it on the Liberty Loans the same, also Red Cross and thought we was through and all the signs and posters and what not had come to be invisible to me like a chewing-gum or a soap ad--do you get me?

But now I was in it and not only did I see every sign and see them good, but felt like I had one on my back and everybody must know about the letter and everything. I walked kind of springy, too, in spite of the furs, and then when I turned into the Avenue, me being on foot, a five mile walk per day having to be got away with by me or Ma would know the reason why, the trouble commenced. Believe you me, I must of refused to buy thrift stamps one hundred times in twenty blocks, and every time I said I had all I could, the look I got handed me would have withered a publicity man. There must be a hot lot of fancy liars among us, with no imagination, for why would W.S.S. still be on sale if everybody had bought that much? And when I wasn't refusing to buy stamps I was forking out quarters for everything from blind Belgian hares to Welch Rabbits for German prisoners. And it's a good thing I had a charge account to Maison Rosabelle's or I would never of got my dress. And the more I was pestered to buy them stamps the madder I got. I commenced to feel it was a regular hold up, and that the police ought to interfere. A person which is pestered to death will even sour on the Red Cross. I don't mean that they ain't humane, neither--only that they are human, and the most dangerous thing to do to a human is to bore it--any one in the theatrical professions learns that young and thoroughly. And when I realized that I was getting bored with this constant hold-up I got a fearful jolt and a cold chill.

Here I was undertaking to chair a committee to sell the things and Gawd knows my heart ought to of been in it with Jim over there and all, and it was, only getting bored with the war is kind of natural, it being so far off and nothing likely to do us personal bodily injury on the Avenue unless maybe the restaurants or a auto and that our own fault. And so soon as I realized what I was up against with the great Boredom Peril, I realized also what I had personally in writing promised Mr. Wilson, and took a brace. It was just like the early days on the Small-Time when the booking depends on the hand and the hand was the one which fed us--and not any too much at that with the carrying expenses--and the hand was getting weaker. Me and Ma sat up all one night doping out my double handspring with the heel-click. And it was a desperate effort and we thought it was a flivver but not at all. When I landed on my feet after the first try-out, I knew I was there to stay, and any intelligent public will realize that I remembered it now. And by this time I had reached the store I was headed for.

I will confess that from the moment I had decided to buy a new dress I had my mind all set on what it was to be--something sheer and light--printed chiffon, and a hat to go with it. But by the time I had reached Maison Rosabelle my hunch on my new job was beginning to go strong and one of the things that worried me was that dress. Also my lunch. Sometimes it happens that too much of a good thing is the only thing which will turn you against it--do you get me? And Ma's cream cakes had this effect. Maybe had I eat less of them I would not have had no indigestion and so not counted their cost as Lincoln, or somebody, says. And if I hadn't had the indigestion maybe I wouldn't of worried over the dress. Well, anyways, the first person I see inside the store was Maison herself, very elegant and slim, only with a little too much henna in her hair as usual.

"Well, Masie," I said when we had got into the privacy of the art-gray dressing room and lit a cigarette, while the girl went for some models. "Well, Masie, I want to know is business good?" Masie is her real name she having Frenchified it for business reasons, the same as myself.

"Oh, dearie!" says she. "Business is elegant! With so many officers in town, I can scarcely keep enough things in stock. The beaded georgettes go so fast, on account of being perishable. Ruby Roselle had three last week of me. One party and they're gone!"

While Masie and me has been friends ever since I can remember, her mother having been Lady Lion Tamer in the same circus with Ma and Pa's trapeze act, as she uttered them words, I commenced feeling a little coolness toward her. For once I get a idea in my head it's a religion to me, and the W.S.S. was getting to me.

"Dont you think maybe that's profiteering, Masie?" I ast.

Maison run a well manicured hand over her marcelle and smiled superior--she has always prided herself on being sort of high-brow and reads _Sappy Stories_ regular.

"Why, dearie, how you talk!" she says. "Dont you know that a little gaiety keeps up the morale of the country?"

"I'm not so sure about some gaiety keeping up the moral of anything!" I says with meaning, not wishing to directly knock anybody but still wishing Masie to get me. "And personally myself, I think any time's a bad time to waste money on clothes which won't last!"

"My goodness, Sweetie!" Masie shrieked. "What's gonner become of us if ladies was to quit buying? Tell me that? How we gonner hire our help, and all, and how can they live if we dont hire 'em? Have a heart!" she says. "And what are you talking about--you coming in after a new dress yourself, and only last week had two chiffons which Gawd knows ain't chain-armour for wear!"

"I know!" I admitted, "but I'm going to can my order. Just tell the girl to bring gingham or something which will wash--if you got such a thing!"

"Well, Mary Gilligan, I guess you're going nutty!" says Masie, but she gives the order, and I choose one at $15--which could be dry-cleaned, and that was the nearest I could come to what I was after.

"You wont like it!" Masie warned me. "It's too cheap--better take a good silk!"

But I wouldn't--not on a bet. Even although what Masie said about cutting down too much on buying stuff sounded sensible, or would if only the question was how far can a person cut before they reach the quick? Of course I see her point, and she had as good a right to live as me. Yet something was wrong some place, I couldn't figure out where. So I just charged the dress and set out for home, and owning a cotton dress made me feel awful warlike and humble--do you get me?

But while I felt better about my dress, the cream-cakes was still with me, and, being now a sort of Government Official, they and that got me noticing the food signs, as well, and wishing I had eat only a little cereal for my lunch. That gave me a idea which on arriving home I handed to Ma.

"I have just bought me a wash-dress, or almost so, Ma!" I told her. "And honest to Gawd I do think we ought to eat to match it. Suppose we was to go on war-rations of our own free wills?"

"Well, we eat pretty plain and wholesome now!" says Ma. "Just like we always done!"

"But times is different!" I says, toying with the soda-mint bottle, and who knows but what they were being more needed abroad? "And cream-cakes is a non-essential. Especially to one which has to keep her figure down," I says. "So for lunch to-morrow let's have cereal only," I says.

Well I hate to take pleasure from any one and the sight of Ma's face when I said this would of brought tears to a glass eye. But I felt particularly strong-minded just then what with the indigestion and no letter from the censor yet and Gawd knows that is no joke as they are certainly more his than Jim's by the time they get to me! But after I had told Ma how all the caviar had ought to be sent over to the boys and how food would win the war and how Wilson expected every man--you know--well, she got all enthusiastic over making up a lot of cheap recipes and we had the butcher and grocer pared down to about ninety cents each per day. Ma could just see herself growing slim, and she kept remembering things she used to cook for Pa in the old days before she retired on the insurance money. And first thing you knew the time had come for me to go to the theatre. Just as I was starting for the door Ma mentioned Rosco, our publicity man.

"Are you going to call him or will I?" she wanted to know.

"About what?" I asked.

"Why about your committee-meeting to-morrow?" she says.

"Nothing doing!" I came back at her. "Would you invite a manager to see a practice-act? Its going to be amateur-night for me, to-morrow is, and no outsiders are urged to attend! And anyways, I'm not doing this for publicity which Gawd knows I dont need any, but for my Uncle Sam!"

"Well, thank goodness, you aint go no other relations you feel that way about," says Ma, "or we'd all be in the poorhouse shortly!"

III

Well, that night when I came home I cried myself to sleep with my head under the pillow so's Ma wouldn't hear what I called the censor, but slept good on account of the simple little war-supper of only lettuce and a cup of soup which Ma had ready for me, and in the morning was up with the lark as the poet says, only of course they was really sparrows, it being the city. Well, anyways, I felt good and husky and as early as eleven-thirty I was all fixed up in the new wash dress, which its a actual fact Musette had to sew it together four separate places that it come apart while putting it on me. The goods wasn't the quality I had thought, come to look at them closer, but anyways it was cheap and that was one good thing about it. Ma brought me in a shredded wheat-less biscuit and a cup of coffee, a sort of funny look on her face like she had taken her oath and would stick it out to the death. She didn't say anything, only set it down and I ate it, saying nothing either because it was what we had agreed we would get along on for breakfast. When I was through she give me a news item.

"The cook is leaving!" she says. "On account of the new rations."

"That's no loss!" I says gaily, because as a general thing Ma is only too glad when this happens.

"I ain't so sure!" says Ma. "I'm not as young as I was, and I cant do _all_ the cooking!"

Well--believe you me--I sat up and took notice of that! Ma kicking at her favorite pastime. Something was wrong. But even then I didn't get what it was. So I just remarked we could eat our dinners at the Ritz that being good publicity anyways and always expected of me in full evening dress when I am dancing. So that much settled and there being no letter yet and me being sort of nervous about that meeting which was breaking ahead, I went and beguiled a hour at Jim's souvenir. I thought a whole lot of that pianola, he having given it to me just before he sailed, and as of course it was too heavy to wear over my aching heart which is generally supposed to be done with souvenirs of loved ones overseas, I put in a good deal of time sitting at it, and--believe you me--my touch is a whole lot better than Ma's which me being light on my feet by nature and business both, is not so surprising. Well, I got myself all worked up over Jim while playing "Somewhere A Voice Is Calling with Mandolin Arrangement" and a whole lot of expression and what with feeling a little low on account of the patriotic breakfast, I was just in the right frame of mind to throw myself heart and soul into the good work before me--do you get it? You do!

Well, I had no sooner left the shelter of our own flat, than that same hold-up game which I had noticed so particular the day before was started on me. The elevator-girls, which had taken the place of a standing yet sitting army of foreign princes which had used to clutter up our front hall and the only excuse they had for living was the nerve they give the landlord when he come to price the rents:--well, anyways, the girls which had taken their places since the draft blew in, was selling W.S.S. Of course I couldn't buy any for the same reasons as yesterday. So they sprung a working girls War Crippled Aid Fund and I contributed to that, because I believe in girls running elevators. Why wouldn't they, when thousands has run dumb-waiters so good for years? Well, anyways, I give them something and escaped to the street only to be lit on for stamps by the first small boy I met. And after only seven others had tried me, I got to the Palatial Hotel, and--believe you me--by that time worried pretty severely about how could a person sell twenty-five thousand dollars worth of the pesky things and not get slain by some impatient citizen who felt that I was the last camel and his back was broke, or whatever the poet says? Really, it was serious, and being the first of the Theatrical Ladies to arrive, the big ballroom with the table and seven empty chairs like a desert island in the middle of the floor, failed to cheer me any.

Well, there was a arm-chair at one end of the table and there being nobody around to either elect me or stop me, I grabbed off this chair and held to it with the grim expression of a suburbanite who knows her husband isn't coming but wont admit it, and a good thing I acted prompt as should be done in all war-measures, because pretty soon the other ladies commenced arriving. I guess they must of thought they could get a better part by coming early, they was so prompt, and by one o'clock they was actually all there except Pattie and her unknown friend, which was pretty good, the date having been twelve-thirty.

Well, we all shook hands and I arose from my seat but didn't move a inch away from it, having seen something of committee meetings where the wrong person had it. And then they all sat down and took in my dress and hat and I theirs, and we was very amiable and refined and I felt so glad I had picked such a good bunch and wished Pattie would hurry so's we could commence, when lo! as the poet says, my wish was granted, for in come Pattie and with her her friend and My Gawd, if it wasn't Ruby Roselle!

Well, far be it from me to say anything about any lady, only pro-Germans is pro-Germans by any other name, as Shakespeare says, provided you can find it out, and here she was, butting in on a gathering of would-be Dolly Madisons and Moll Pritchers and everything, and I wouldn't of invited her for the world if only Pattie had mentioned her name. But here she was, all dressed up like a plush horse and so friendly it got me worried right away. Any one which has seen Ruby in her red, white and blue tights will at once realize what I mean, though nothing but the tights was ever proved against her. What on earth she wanted with our committee was very suspicious because why would she ever of taken a expensive and difficult present like a baby alligator from a German which she once done, if not pro, her own self?

But time for starting something had sure come, if we was ever to get any lunch, so I got them all seated and commenced--a little weak in the knees which it was a good thing I was seated, but strong in the voice, so as to start the moral right--do you get me?

"Ladies of the Theatrical Ladies W.S.S. Committee," I began, being determined not to waste no time on formalities, which it has always seemed to me that on such occasions a lot of gas is used up in them which would have run the machine quite a ways if applied properly. We all knew we was the Theatrical Ladies W.S.S. Committee and I was the chairman, so why waste words making me it? "Ladies," I says, "I have a letter from President Wilson asking me to get to work, and so have formed a committee to sell twenty-five thousand dollars worth of War Savings Stamps on the first of the month. I sat right down and wrote him I would do it, and here we are. Of course this being the twenty-eighth of the month the notice is short. Probably he didn't expect us really to get to work until next month, but personally, myself, I think we should surprise him by getting the money by Saturday night, which Saturday night is the first. Now, you Committee Ladies is here to discuss how will we do it. I would be glad to hear ideas, suggestions and etc."

Well, nobody said anything for a few minutes only Ruby put a little powder on her nose and looked at it critical in her vanity case mirror, which well she might for Gawd knows she had powder enough on her already. Then Madame Broun, the Lady Baritone, cleared her throat.

"I would be glad to give a recital," she said, swelling up her neatly upholstered black satin bosom, "and turn over the money it brings in. I presume the Government would hire the theatre for me."