Chapter V: Part 5

My father persisted, though there was a painful struggle in his affectionate mind; and my mother tried the effect of persuasion with me, but my passionate temper would brook no restraint. At length one of my brothers became alarmed and thought it right to intercede; he mildly opened their eyes to the conviction that my determined character was their own work, and that it was now too late to retrace their steps. He pointed out to them the dislike I had excited in the neighbourhood by my contemptuous and satirical conduct to everybody; and the ill effect that the reaction of that feeling might have in still further hardening my disposition; and he endeavoured to convince them that a husband’s influence was the only chance left of withdrawing me from the follies they lamented. He then urged the family, the education, and the manners of Mr. P., who had every thing but wealth to recommend him; and earnestly implored my father to relent.

He succeeded. Mr. P. was accepted, and settlements were now to be discussed; but scorning all inquiry into the income of one whom I loved only for his merit, I indignantly exclaimed:--

Can gold calm passion, or make reason shine?
Can we dig peace or wisdom from the mine?

We were married--and went home to a sweet little place which Mr. P. had on the banks of Ulleswater.--The estate was small, but had been in his family for ages; the house was a two-story building of olden times with projecting windows; it was situated in a valley which was sheltered from every cold blast, and altogether looked as if it must be a happy home.

“You are mistress of this humble place, Gertrude,” said Mr. P.; “and over my purse you have unbounded power. Your wishes are moderate, and you well know that our expenses must be limited by discretion. This property has been sufficient for my father and my ancestors; I hope you will assist me in preserving it free from debt and incumbrance for my successors. Of few things I have a greater horror than the disgrace of debt. Remember then, dearest Gertrude, that in our present situation economy becomes an essential duty.”

I considered this speech as so very devoid of sentiment, that I did not deign to reply.

In a few weeks, my mother came to visit us; in her own kind manner, she assisted me in my domestic arrangements, with as much anxiety, I thought, as if matter of life or death; and having established me with good servants, and put into my head more ideas than I had ever admitted before on the subject, she left me in a very happy state.

The summer did pass happily. Mr. P. had such a variety of tastes, and so kindly adapted them to mine; we enjoyed so much our studies at home; our mineralogical and botanical rambles; and our sketching and boating parties, that our life glided away in real felicity. As autumn and winter advanced, we spent less time out of doors, and more was given to our visiters, who remarked that now there might be some chance of seeing us comfortably. But the house was never comfortable to visiters. My dinners were ill arranged, and every thing was irregular. An old gentleman, who had been intimate with Mr. P.’s father, and who continued the warm friend and counsellor of the son, used frequently to ride over of a frosty day to dine and sleep; or sometimes called upon us for luncheon after he had been shooting. But he always came at some unfortunate time; when our dinner was shabby, or ordered at some late hour: or perhaps there was no fire to warm him after a cold ride; the unswept hearth strewed with cinders; the room all littered, no one to receive him, and when I did appear, probably my dress untidy, and a frown on my brow. He had long had the habit of speaking his mind, and very mortifying things he sometimes said, which made me hate him.

“Why, madam,” (a beginning which, from him, always shewed displeasure,) “you seem to have a fresh cargo of new books every time I come here. Let me see--Chemistry, Botany, Geology, Italian Tales, and Scotch novels. All admirable food for the mind, to be sure; but we old fashioned folk are vulgar enough to like a little comfortable food for the body, also. Economy turned upside down.”

I had determined to make our little place a paradise. The garden, which was to be brilliant at all seasons, was therefore crammed with flowers, and the most beautiful shrubs were to ornament my new walks; a simple pleasure, thought I, to which no one can object. Every week matted parcels of treasures arrived by the coach, from distant nurseries; and as Mr. P. acquiesced in all my suggestions, we planted and worked together. In thus beautifying our place, we never imagined that we could incur any great expense; besides, when the thing to be done was good, I thought it a proof of a narrow mind to consider the cost. For the same reason, I paid no attention to the weekly accounts of my housekeeper. She understands managing much better than I do, and all those little particulars, of a few pence perhaps, are really beneath my notice.

At last we were blessed by the birth of a boy, and I thought my felicity complete.

Alas! whene’er we talk of bliss,
How prone we are to judge amiss!

I had sent to London for all my baby clothes, it seemed such a waste of time to work at them myself. They were beautiful, so was my boy; and so proud was I of him, that I was profuse in my generosity to all his attendants. I determined to nurse him, and to attend him night and day; and so completely was I engrossed by this new occupation, that I quite neglected Mr. P., whose inseparable companion I had been till then.

When I was so much away from him, he had more leisure to perceive the irregularity of the house. And when he went out and mixed with others, he could not help feeling the want of comfort at home. Still he could not bear to think that I was in the wrong.

In two years came another fine little boy, and with him fresh expenses. I just then began to feel that money was not always to be had; long accounts for dress, and fanciful furniture, for new books and scientific journals, for plants, shells, and mineralogical specimens, and a variety of other things equally necessary, came crowding in; and when I asked for money, there was none at command. My husband thought that I had paid for all these articles when I received them; and our ordinary expenses had already absorbed our income. With a blind confidence that almost amounted to weakness, he had trusted to my prudence, and made no inquiries into the household management: perhaps, he too had been a little inconsiderate in his farm and plantations; but far be it from me to shade my own errors by throwing blame on him.

I begged of the people whose bills I could not pay, to wait a little; and to keep them quiet I added debt to debt. But, at last, the crisis came, and these doubled and trebled debts, amounting to an enormous sum, appeared in dreadful array before Mr. P.

Then came demands from the country tradespeople who supplied our house; brewer, butcher, baker, &c.; and then, too, we discovered that the housekeeper, taking advantage of my foolish confidence, had never paid them; she had deceived me by false receipts, and had in every possible way betrayed her trust.

This shock awakened me; I understood the extent of my follies, and too late saw their consequences: I saw Mr. P. sink under the blow, and oh! Bertha, I did then, indeed, feel remorse. But, although wounded in the most sensitive of his feelings, and involved by me in what he had of all things most dreaded, he said he only reproached himself. His kindness never failed; but I saw that I had lost his respect, and that he could no longer rest his happiness on me. I became fretful and truly miserable, and a sort of reserve and mutual coldness gradually took place of that “boundless sympathy of soul” which we had till then enjoyed.

To be in debt, Mr. P. considered a state of actual disgrace, and he would have gladly sold his patrimony to emancipate himself from the load; but it was entailed. There were two other ways, either to raise money on mortgage; or, if his creditors would give him time, to devote the chief part of his income to a fund for the purpose of liquidating their full claims; and, in the mean time, to live on bread and water if necessary. He turned over in his mind also a hundred different schemes for employing his time and talents, so as to augment our means; for I could see, that though he dreaded the privations which I must endure, yet that one of his greatest difficulties was the doubt, whether I could conform to the rigorous parsimony that we were now called on to practise. Anxious for advice, he rode off to consult his old friend and counsellor Mr. Crispin, whom we had not seen for a long time; and I was rather surprised by his return the same evening, as he generally slept at the Hall, when he went there. He looked agitated, and though he treated me with more tenderness than usual, since our misfortune had burst upon him, yet he refused to tell me the result of his consultation.

In the evening, however, after a long silence he suddenly turned round to the table where I was actually endeavouring to discipline my fingers to the use of a needle, and said, “Gertrude, will you be contented to remain here in acknowledged embarrassment, shut up from the world, and endeavouring with me to save and to pay; or, will you for a time return to your father and mother? You know they will receive you with open arms; and you can there have the comforts so necessary to you and our poor little children. I really think it will be the wisest course to ask an asylum from them; for how can you adapt yourself to our present circumstances?”

“If you do not actually drive me from you, my dear Edward,” I replied, “if you will suffer me to remain with you, poignantly as I feel the reproach implied in your proposal, it will be my only consolation to share your difficulties, and to expiate my follies by a devoted economy.”

“I felt--I knew that would be your decision,” said he, as a tear stole down his cheeks. After a few days had passed, Mr. P.’s old friend came to see us; not by any means an agreeable surprise to me, for I dreaded his contempt and rebukes, and I was still but a wayward and only half-humbled creature.

“Well!” said he, entering the room, “I believe I was unreasonable in the plan I proposed; so I am come to try if we can do better. But what did you think of it, madam?”

I told him that it had not been confided to me.

“How so--did not Edward tell it you? How was that, Mr. P.?”

“I did not like to give my wife the pain of knowing that you could have thought so unkindly of her; and as I had no hesitation in regard to my decision, it was not necessary to suggest to her such a cruel idea.”

“It was very generous forbearance on your part,” said he, “for you left me full of indignation. I will tell you myself, Mrs. P. I have lately inherited an estate in Jamaica; I am unable to take possession of it in person, and I proposed that Edward should go as my representative, and manage it for me, as long as his affairs are recovering here. But I made it a positive condition, that he should give you over to your parents’ care, and quietly disencumber himself of a useless, extravagant wife. That, madam, was my scheme. You are shocked, and turn pale; but you must allow that it was very natural advice. However, I begin to think it not quite right to propose such separations, nor is it just to refuse you some trial of amendment. I have come now, therefore, to renew my proposal, without that condition, and to offer a salary double that which I first named. I will undertake the management of your property here; and for this house, I will allow you a fair rent. And now, madam, consider this well, and don’t let yourself be angry at me, for I am an old man who deals in plain truth and plain sense.”

Wounded, as I had often been, by the harsh things this old man had said to me, yet his blunt generosity now overcame every feeling but that of gratitude; and before he left us the next day, every thing was arranged with him for our immediate departure. The demesne and all our real improvements were to be kept up; the whole income was to be applied to the payment of the debt, which he undertook to discharge by regular instalments; and our books and some other extravagant purchases, on which I had lavished so much money, were to be sold, if he found it necessary.

In parting from us, he took my hand, for the first time since we had been acquainted, and said, “I do now believe that you are attached to your husband--I am glad you are going with him; and I trust the experience you have so dearly bought, will be of lasting use to you both. I have one word more, and I have kept it for the last, to make the deeper impression. Remember these rules, fix them in your mind, and repeat them daily.

“Buy nothing that you do not absolutely want; and never go in debt for any thing you do want, be it ever so necessary.

“Waste nothing.

“Let ORDER preside in every part of your house.

“Remember, that a drawing-room, though elegantly furnished, is disgusting, if untidy.

“It is no excuse for bad dinners and comfortless rooms, that the mistress is engaged in her laboratory mixing gases, and trying experiments that are known to every apothecary’s apprentice. Women, indeed, may store their minds with knowledge, but then their homely duties must not be neglected.

“Let me hear, that when your husband returns home, after a busy morning, he finds a cheerful house, and a smiling wife; or, as sweet Allan Ramsay would say, ‘a blazing ingle, and a clean hearth stane.’”

With heartfelt sorrow I quitted the place where I had spent the happy beginning of my married life. It seemed as if I was leaving every thing that was dear, and that I never could again enjoy the tranquil life Edward and I had led for six years. Next came the parting with my children and my parents! But I will not touch on the painful struggle between different duties; nor will I mention the distress of mind which my dear father and mother suffered, in consequence of my imprudence. I consigned my dear boys, rosy, smiling, little, lively creatures, to my good mother, and she has truly done them justice.

Our passage to Jamaica was most favourable. Mr. P. took possession of the San Pedro plantation, in the name of Mr. Crispin, and we were immediately settled in the dwelling house attached to it. It consisted of one story only, as most of the houses in that country are so built, to preserve them from hurricanes and earthquakes. A viranda extended along the west and south sides, ornamented with oleanders, African roses, grenadillas, passion flowers, and other lovely plants, trained to the pillars. To the north-west lay a flower garden, inclosed by a hedge of the Barbadoes flower-fence. At ten or twelve feet from the ground, the stem of this beautiful and extraordinary plant divides into several spreading branches, armed at each joint with strong crooked spines; and every branch terminates in a loose spike of flowers, which are something like carnations, and which combine the most glowing mixture of red, orange, and green, accompanied by a strong, but agreeable smell. I shall mention only one more feature of this charming spot: the garden was sheltered by a large _Pimenta_ grove; and, as you are acquainted with this beautiful species of myrtle, which produces the allspice, you may imagine how delightful I must have found its fragrance, and its shade, in that sultry climate.

The violent resolutions I had made to abjure my former errors, and to devote myself to my household duties, now led me into the opposite extreme; I entered into every little detail with such indefatigable earnestness, and, ignorant of the manners and customs of the West Indies, I made such an infinite number of teasing regulations, that I completely worried my servants and slaves; and even Mr. P., I do believe, thought this extreme the worst. I became so fussy and so busy, that I thought I had time for nothing else, like the Norwegian ladies, whose whole lives are absorbed in domestic drudgery.

One circumstance, however, greatly annoyed my feelings--the being surrounded by slaves. Though they did not, in general, look unhappy, and though they enjoyed many comforts, yet the whole system excited my indignation. You know I had never learned to control or conceal my sentiments, and I now took every opportunity of expressing them with such silly enthusiasm, and so publicly, that I not only offended all the whites, but injured the poor negroes themselves. My imprudent sympathy not only made them feel their degraded situation the more acutely, but materially helped to inflame that spirit of discontent which, more or less, must always accompany slavery; and I really tremble in reflecting how much I may have been accessary to the events which afterwards happened. Yet you will be astonished, Bertha, when I add, that such was the perverse inconsistency of my character, that while overflowing with compassion for these poor creatures, I was a most arbitrary mistress to those who were among our domestics, and tyrannical over all who were under my influence. I had established an evening school for the slaves when their work was done; I did really pay it unremitting attention, and fancied that I found great pleasure in being useful; but I could not bear to have my benevolent intentions thwarted: those who were negligent in their attendance excited a stronger feeling than displeasure; and I blush in confessing that the task-master found it was his interest to treat those who had displeased me with increased severity.

One of the females who worked in the plantation had a very engaging daughter; she had a good figure, spoke English tolerably, and had a quickness and intelligence which particularly pleased me. I had a great wish to have this girl about my person, and at last obtained her, though against her mother’s will. She lived in the house, and was a most useful and good-natured creature; and the rapidity with which she acquired all the knowledge that I could teach, fully justified the high opinion of her that I had formed.

Sometimes, in the intervals of my economical fever, I amused myself in making little collections in natural history; and she endeared herself extremely to me by the zeal with which she entered into all my pursuits. Birds, insects, beetles, spiders, reptiles, were all caught by her dexterity; and the tenderest plants and flowers were laid on my table as fresh as when they were pulled; so that Mr. P. and I were able to examine, at our leisure, all the natural productions of the island. In short, during more than a year and a half, this blameless and innocent girl, Nanina, continued high in my favour, and was treated more like a daughter than a slave. She really loved me, and her efforts to please me were most assiduous. But I had a temper which had never been controlled in youth, and which was still unmanageable. Caprice alone governed it, and I began to grow tired of poor Nanina. Perhaps she might have been sometimes rather too familiar in her manner, but if so, it was my own fault. Always in extremes, I now became dissatisfied with everything she said or did. If she appeared hurt at this unaccountable change of conduct, I was still more angry; and one day, that she threw herself at my feet, and with tears in her eyes remonstrated against some unjust accusation, I barbarously spurned her from my chair, and ordered her never more to enter my room. Alas! how quickly does the spirit of injustice grow; the next day I missed a favourite ring, and I accused her of stealing it!--Yes, I suspected poor Nanina, who had been invariably faithful, and whose principles I well knew had been proof against many far greater temptations.

I learned that Nanina had gone to confide her griefs to her mother; and as she did not return, I became so incensed at her for leaving me, as well as at her family for encouraging her to stay away, and I spoke of them with so much bitterness to the overseer, that he lost no opportunity of treating them with rigour. No attention, however, was paid to my positive orders for her return: she was not with her family; to all inquiries about her, they preserved a stubborn silence; and it was notorious that the unjust harshness of the overseer to them all was the effect of my resentment. Several weeks elapsed without any tidings of her, and irritated by what I considered her obstinacy, I determined to communicate the whole affair to Mr. P., in order that he might enforce obedience to my commands. I did so, and never shall I forget the horror and astonishment he expressed at my conduct. At first I was vexed and mortified by what he said, but when he calmly retraced to me all the circumstances of the case, contrasting my professed sensibility with my real inhumanity, and dwelling not only on the capricious extremes of my affection and hatred for Nanina, but on the accumulated cruelty of suspecting her without cause, of punishing her without proof, and of revenging my quarrel with her on the whole family, I sunk into his arms, I saw and acknowledged all my odious errors, and would have done anything to compensate the poor girl for my base injustice, if she could have been found.

All this took place in the beginning of summer; and in the middle of the hottest part of that season Mr. P. was obliged to go to Spanish Town, which was fifteen miles distant, about business. The day passed heavily, the sultry air oppressed me, there seemed to be an unusual stillness everywhere; the slaves even appeared to work in sullen silence, and I scarcely heard a sound but the buzz of some insect, or the angry chirp of the humming-birds as they quarrelled about the flowers at my window. My thoughts turned mournfully upon my late conduct, and upon the severe but just expostulations of my husband. They did indeed oppress my heart; and in some measure to relieve myself, I went in the afternoon to the school, but I found it locked and no creature near it. There was a mountain path near the Pimenta grove, where we used sometimes to walk late in the evening to enjoy the land breeze; and taking a book which happened to lie on the sofa, I strolled through the grove and ascended slowly from the valley. The hills in that country are covered with woods which never lose their verdure; and after musing for some time on a magnificent group of the stately cabbage-palm, the tall cedar, and the wide spreading mahogany, I sat down under their shade. At length I opened my book, and the very first thing I saw was my long lost ring! I quickly recollected that many weeks before I had put it in there to keep the place open, and I felt myself so shocked at my unworthy suspicions of Nanina, and so angry at myself, that I was quite overcome. But gradually the breeze revived me, and I burst into tears. At that moment,

When sunk by guilt in sad despair,
Repentance breathes her humble prayer,

I was startled by the sound of hurried footsteps, and Nanina herself appeared before me. She stopped, hesitated--then seized my hand and pressed it to her heart. “Oh! joy, joy,” said she. “Nanina thought never more see you, and now me search for you, and no find you in house.” I was painfully glad to see her--I hastily rose to take her home, and began to express my feelings, but she interrupted me and said in the most urgent tone, “This day me make escape, and run to tell mistress not to stay in home to-night--they all rise this night, and go everywhere for mischief, but first kill mistress, or make her slave.”

However startled by this alarming speech, I immediately proposed to return home to save my husband’s papers and to tell the servants to escape.

“No, no, no,--too late,--come with me, me put you safe, but no talky now,--come quick,--come silent.”

As we hurried along through the forest paths, I could not help saying, “Nanina, I was unjust to you--I accused you of stealing;--how comes it that you are so kind to one who has used you so cruelly?”

“That is what me learn from the book you gave me, and taught me to know--me never lose that book;--that book say, forgive your enemy, do good to him that persecute you. Yes, you call me teef, but you be killed dead if Nanina no come save you, and Nanina forget all but that you were once good mistress.” She grasped the hand I had laid on hers, as she said this, and I felt her tears drop on it. Oh what an exquisite moment! I besought her to let me send intelligence to meet Mr. P., but the faithful creature had already sent a trusty friend to warn him of the danger, and to assure him of my safety. She hurried me on--it was dark when we reached the river, and no canoe was to be seen; but we walked along its banks for some distance, when to my great surprise it suddenly disappeared. I then recollected hearing that in one spot the San Pedro river dipped under ground; and there Nanina had purposely brought me, that we might cross to the opposite bank, without the assistance of a boat. At last, after many hours’ walking, and when I was scarcely able to move, we arrived at one of the reed huts which the negroes inhabit. A man and woman received us;--they said some words to Nanina which I could not understand, but they looked good-naturedly at me, and laid their hands on their hearts.

Now that we were apparently in safety, and that we could venture to speak at ease, Nanina told me what had happened during the long time she was absent. The day on which, in vexation, she had gone to complain to her mother, she found a stranger in the hut. This was the famous Apakong; he was one of the descendants of the Maroons, who had formerly been so troublesome, and he fully inherited their fierce, discontented spirit. He had instigated the slaves in our neighbourhood to rise against their masters. My injustice to Nanina and her family was an additional pretext, and fearful that her mother might suffer her to return to me, and thus, perhaps, betray their plans, he took her away as a hostage, and till that day had watched her closely; but a general muster of the insurgents had happily given her an opportunity of escaping from his less vigilant wife.

Nanina left me at early dawn, entreating me not to stir from the negroes’ hut till she returned. Hours passed in the most intense anxiety, and no tidings came. I knew not what the poor negroes said, but I saw they were deeply anxious, listening to every sound, and watching in every direction. They placed food before me, but I could not eat. They brought me a branch of a pimenta tree, which overhung the hut, to revive me by its smell; but it reminded me too strongly of the dwelling at San Pedro, which I had begun to love, and of my dear husband, whom perhaps I should never see again. My thoughts flew from that to my former home on Ulleswater, and then still farther back, to the home of my youth, and to those dear parents whose over-affection for me had been their only fault. Alas! thought I, how will they feel, if----. But this train of bitter reflections was suddenly interrupted by loud yells, which appeared to be rapidly approaching. I was preparing to meet my fate with resignation, when my two poor negro hosts quickly placed me in a corner of the hut, and, covering me over with reeds and palm leaves, made a sign of silence. An immense crowd surrounded the hut, and I heard many loud and angry voices inside; but it was Nanina for whom they asked; she was the object of their pursuit; and full of revengeful eagerness in their inquiries about her, they did not observe the suspicious heap of reeds.

They were not half an hour gone, when poor Nanina arrived, looking quite worn down by fatigue. She had gone to obtain intelligence, and having heard of the insurgents’ visit to the hut, and fearing their return, she came to remove me to a place of greater safety. How or when we arrived there I can scarcely recollect; and what took place afterwards I can still less remember, for I fainted more than once with fright and fatigue. I know that there was fighting close to me--the horrid yells are still in my ears; and I think I can remember clinging to Nanina when she was seized--a loud shout that was given soon afterwards--and then finding myself again in silence; and I well remember that Mr. P. himself came into a cave where I was lying, and took me home.

And what a scene presented itself there! The house partly burnt, the furniture destroyed, the gardens ruined, and every species of devastation committed, for which there had been time or means. My brain, which was already bewildered, now completely gave way. I thought I was the cause, not only of all this destruction, but of the death of Nanina my preserver, though she was then with me. Nothing could calm me; and I continued for a long time delirious.

I have since been told, that when Nanina’s messenger arrived in Spanish Town, there was such a general conviction that the insurrection of the slaves was a false report, that much time was lost; and before the military were detached, the rebel negroes had done incalculable mischief to the San Pedro and some neighbouring plantations. At last the troops arrived, and Mr. P. with them; and after a short skirmish, the negroes threw down their arms, and submitted. The ringleaders were taken; and one of them acknowledged to Mr. P. that they had been a long time secretly trying to excite a spirit of rebellion amongst the slaves; that they agreed not to do any mischief to the San Pedro plantations, because Mr. P. had always been lenient and considerate; but that afterwards they felt so much the harshness of _my_ conduct, which became so different from what it had been at first, that their vengeance was particularly directed to our house.

My mind continued in such a state for many weeks, that Mr. P. determined to try change of air and scene; and as soon as the necessary measures had been taken to repair the losses at our plantation, he prepared to take me to Antigua. I was insensible to every thing, and can only tell you the circumstances since detailed to me. The voyage began well, but in a few days, a hurricane arose, which dismasted the vessel, and wrecked us on the coast of Hayti. The crew were saved with difficulty, but every thing else was lost, and we were in a lamentable situation, prisoners, absolutely destitute; and even Nanina and our man-servant were separated from us. When I missed her, my former conviction of her death returned with double violence; and I became still more unmanageable. She found it very difficult to convince the people of Hayti, that, though a slave, she did not wish for the liberty which they offered; but at last, after much explanation and entreaty, Mr. P. persuaded the government to let her return to our quarters. When she appeared, I knew her, and tenderly embraced her; I also knew my affectionate husband, who had so long been my only nurse. This momentary return of reason was of short duration; it was followed by a fresh access of fever, and all hope of my recovery seemed now to have vanished.

A favourable crisis, however, came. I awoke to restored consciousness; and the first sounds that I heard were from my husband, at my bedside, uttering his pious gratitude to heaven, in a low voice. I scarcely knew the cause of his emotion; but afterwards, when I witnessed his daily and fervent thanksgivings, and became sensible of the cloud which had darkened my understanding, I felt my heart more truly and more deeply touched by religion, than it had ever been, even in the period of my highest enthusiasm. I may, indeed, say, that “The Lord put a new song into my mouth, even a thanksgiving;” and I sincerely prayed that God would permit me to repent of my sins and follies, and that he would turn my whole heart to gratitude and humility.

My trials, however, were not yet over. Every day, indeed, made me more and more conscious of my former errors; and every day I felt more penitent; but I was now to act. Anxiety, want of rest, privations of every kind, and probably infection, soon shewed their effects on my faithful companions; and both yielded to the same horrid fever. Experience of their tender care, during my own tedious recovery, had taught me what to do; and duty, love, and gratitude, gave me strength. I who, till lately, had not known what bodily exertion meant, was now actually the only attendant on these poor patients; and I thank God my humbled spirit was heedless of all trouble.

A French physician, who had been allowed to remain at Hayti during the political changes there, was permitted to visit and prescribe for us. I never can forget his compassionate kindness; and it touched him so much to see me, still very weak, going through every menial work, that he promised to lend me one of his own servants; but government interfered, and for what reason I could never divine, forbade this act of generosity. I am glad of it; for a strong practical lesson was very useful in completing my reform. My anxious cares, however, were ultimately rewarded by the recovery of Mr. P., and of Nanina; and as soon as we were able to leave the miserable house where we had been imprisoned, our good physician obtained leave to remove us to a better situation; and he even ventured to supply us with money, for which we were sadly distressed.

After a long and painful detention, the same active benevolence obtained our release; and as soon as we could hire a vessel, we departed. My kind husband offered to take me to Antigua, and to let me reside there, in the idea that I might have a horrible impression of Jamaica; and he proposed to visit San Pedro himself, from time to time; but I would not consent: the days of folly and selfishness were past--I now knew and felt my duty. We landed in Jamaica, and there a fresh misfortune awaited us. The person who had been appointed to the care of the San Pedro plantation during our absence, refused to give it up; he alleged, that he had been acting under the direct orders of the proprietor; and more than one reference was made to Mr. Crispin, before all the tedious difficulties could be overcome, and before the law authorities would interfere to dispossess him. To us, who had no ready money, a lawsuit was difficult to manage; and a very long time elapsed before Mr. P. was completely reinstated.

A severe illness, under which Mr. Crispin had been labouring, was a great additional source of anxiety to us, and had materially helped to protract the above affair; but shortly after its termination, we received a most kind and fatherly letter from him, announcing his perfect recovery; but intimating, that he considered his illness as a warning to “set his house in order”; and inclosing a deed of gift to Mr. P. of the whole Jamaica property. He said he had always intended to bequeath it to him, but that he preferred giving it then, while Edward was on the spot, that he might make whatever arrangements he liked previous to his return to England. And this he hoped might be soon, as he wished, before he died, to see us once more, and to restore to Mr. P. his Ulleswater estate, which had nearly paid off all his debts. He also sent a considerable sum of money to reimburse our expenses in the lawsuit, and thus effected a sudden change in our circumstances, from poverty to comparative affluence.

It was long since we had had money at command; and the first use Mr. P. made of it was to enable me at once to visit the dear friends from whom I had been so many years separated, without waiting for the final arrangement of his affairs. I need scarcely tell you that the moment the property was ours we gave Nanina her freedom. I had intended to have proposed her remaining with me, but I learned that there had been a long attachment between her and a deserving young man; and before we left Jamaica I had the pleasure of seeing the faithful girl happily settled.

Just then the Phaëton was ordered to Brazil with despatches, and to proceed from thence to England. Captain M. was nearly related to Mr. P., and immediately offered me a passage, which, though much longer, was much more agreeable than if made in any other way. I need not tell you, Bertha, how greatly I enjoyed the time we remained at Rio, and how happy I was to have you for my companion during the remainder of our voyage.

Thank heaven, I found my dear father and mother well and strong; my children, too, had just come home from school for the vacation, and my happiness would have been complete had my dear Edward been with me. My boys have fine open generous minds, and I trust that in their education I shall take warning by my own early faults.

From this little history of my past life you will perceive, my dear Bertha, how much reason I have to be grateful for the afflictions with which Providence thought fit to correct me; and though your education has fortunately been very different from mine, still, this account of my follies and their consequences will point out numerous dangers to avoid, and new motives for continual watchfulness: every page of it will shew you the necessity of a vigilant self-control, and will, I think, amply demonstrate the value of homely virtues and of homely knowledge. Do not, however, imagine that I seek to depreciate the value of scientific or literary pursuits, or that my love for them has diminished;--far from it:--I would only keep them in their right place; for I have at last learned that the _useful_ and the _intellectual_ embellish each other; and that the female character is more or less imperfect if deficient in either.--G. P.

_11th._--The dormouse seemed less inclined to sleep during the last return of frost, than before; and since the weather has become a little more mild and warm, it seems to have laid aside its sleepiness almost entirely. During one or two slight frosts, which lasted for only a day or two, it slept constantly; and I think I may say, from all our observations, that whenever the thermometer, which my uncle has attached to the cage, falls to 42°, the dormouse becomes inactive; and if it falls any lower, he remains insensible. When the warmth of the room rises to 47° he is affected by the slightest touch, and is sure to waken in the evening and to eat heartily of his store, which I keep supplied with nuts, biscuits, and a little milk and water. When he is too lazy to put his mouth down into the cup, he has a very amusing method of drinking; he dips his tail into the milk, and then draws it through his mouth. Last night he was so much alive that he very expertly repaired his nest, which had been a little deranged. On the whole, as my uncle says, it appears, that as soon as the necessity for sleeping is removed, by artificial warmth and plenty of food, the torpid propensity of this little creature vanishes.

My aunt remarked that there are many well-known facts of animals being compelled by circumstances to relinquish their strongest characteristics; for instance, the hyena lives on the roots of _fritillary_ in the unfrequented parts of Africa, but in the neighbourhood of inhabited places he feeds on carrion:--and the pied flycatcher, which lives on soft seeds in this country, is well contented in Norway with flesh dried in smoke.

The rain, which was incessant for two days and nights, stopped yesterday, and a nice soft wind with a warm sun has so dried the ground, that we have been out almost all the morning. I find that spring is beginning to advance. The buds of several trees are visibly enlarging, though it will be many weeks before they burst; the catkins of the hazel, which appeared during the winter like little short green spikes, are now lengthened, and so much more open, that each floret is to be seen separately, though none are yet expanded. When we were rambling through the hazel thicket, Mary shewed them to me; and also the little buds which contain the flowers that afterwards produce the nuts, scattered up and down on the branches. It is curious that these flowers are so carefully preserved in buds, while the catkins are exposed without protection during the whole winter.

The flower-buds of the peach trees are much swelled, the scales are almost separating, and in some there is even a streak of red appearing.

The tufts of leaf and flower buds on the pear trees begin to shew themselves more distinctly; and on the larch trees, the little brown lumps are now growing larger, and preparing to let the nests of imprisoned leaves burst forth.

It is very odd how many interesting things are passed over and not observed. There was a young lady here last week who lives in the country, and yet had scarcely noticed any of these small circumstances in Natural History, which distinguish the changes of the seasons, though she diligently walked out every day for two hours round the garden and shrubbery.

Notwithstanding my love for the rich and beautiful vegetation of Brazil, I do like the seasons here, and the sort of feeling of expectation that winter, dark and dreary as it is, gives of the welcome return of spring with all its beauties.

_12th., Sunday._--My uncle, in conversing this morning about the peculiar situation and circumstances of the Israelites, said that the beneficence which graciously condescended to detail all their smaller duties in the law, might be compared to the cloud which continued to be their daily guide in the wilderness, directing them when to halt, and when to advance; for the law was their sure guide to lead them blameless through the journey of life, could they but have been obedient to it, and restrained their unruly and stubborn dispositions.

“But, perhaps,” he continued, “there is not any where in the history of man a stronger proof of the corruption of his heart, and at the same time of the perfect free will bestowed on him, than in the simple facts recorded in the history of the journey of the Israelites across the desert; when at the very time they were under the immediate guidance of God, they so frequently murmured and even rebelled against his commands. Thus exercising their own will, notwithstanding the threats and prohibitions, as well as the promises, conveyed to them by Moses.

“The book of Numbers, you know, is so called because it contains an account of the two numberings of the people; the first of which took place in the second year after their departure from Egypt; and the second, in the plains of Moab, near the conclusion of their wanderings. It comprehends about thirty-eight years; but the principal historical events which it records happened at the beginning or the end of that period,--such as, the death of Aaron, and the very interesting narrative of Balak and Balaam’s insidious attempts. It also describes the consecration of the tabernacle, and recapitulates the forty-two journeys of the Israelites in the wilderness, under the miraculous guidance of the cloud.

“This book also contains several instances of the prompt severity with which God punished the rebellious murmurings and ungrateful seditions of the people. But amidst the exemplary terrors of those judgments, it sets forth on every occasion the continuance of his fatherly mercy and goodness, in providing for their wants, in protecting and defending them, in holding out the consoling offer of future restoration to his favour, and particularly in the beautiful and comprehensive blessing which he appointed to be pronounced by the priests, and to which, lest any body should despise it, because uttered by a mere mortal, he annexed this gracious and distinct promise, ‘and I will bless them.’

“The blessing[A] probably extended in its full meaning to after-ages, and seems to be capable of a more comprehensive interpretation than what appears in our translation. For it is very remarkable, that the name of Jehovah, which is three times repeated, has each time in the original Hebrew a different accent. Some commentators think that this refers to the three persons of the Trinity; and that it has a strictly parallel signification to the form of baptism which our Saviour established in ‘the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost.’

“The three parts of this benediction, they say, will be found to agree respectively with the attributes of Three Persons. The Father being the source of all blessings and preservation, temporal and eternal. Grace and illumination coming from the Son, through whom we have the light of all true knowledge. And Peace, that is, the peace of conscience and inward tranquillity of mind, being essentially the gift of the Spirit, whose name, St. John says, is the Comforter.”

_13th._--Every thing relating to the interior of Africa is so interesting now that such efforts are making to explore it, that I think you will be amused by a few lines from Mollien’s Travels about a kingdom called _Fonta-diallon_.

He says, that the villages are like camps; there are but few cattle, and those of diminutive size; horses are unknown, and the ass on which Mollien rode, spread terror through the country. There is not sufficient prey to invite the lion; and the surrounding mountains have never been crossed by the elephant: but hyenas and panthers are abundant; and monkeys people the woods.

The riches of the inhabitants consist in slaves, and they have some very singular establishments for them, which seem to shew a much greater degree of humanity than we find in any other part of Africa. I will copy Mollien’s own words.

“Les Rumbdés sont des établissemens qui font honneur à l’homme de l’humanité. Chaque village, ou plusieurs habitans d’un village, rassemblent leurs esclaves, en leur enjoignant de se bâtir des cases voisines les unes des autres; cette réunion s’appelle _Rumbdé_. On choisit un chef parmi les esclaves; ses enfans, s’ils en sont dignes, occupent sa place après sa mort. Ces esclaves, qui n’en portent que le nom, labourent le champ de leurs maîtres; et lorsqu’ils voyagent, les suivent pour porter leurs fardeaux. Jamais on ne les vend quand ils sont parvenus à un age un peu avancé, ou qu’ils sont nés dans le pays; agir autrement, ce serait causer la désertion de toute la Rumbdé; mais celui qui se conduit mal est livré au maître par ses camarades, pour qu’il le vende.”

_14th._--It is only a fortnight since I first observed snow-drops pressing up through the snow. Now at every step I find the early spring-flowers displaying themselves; and myriads of gay crocuses, yellow, white, and purple, are bursting every day through the grass of the little lawn under the library windows. My aunt is going to paint a group of them, which I am to have the pleasure of gathering for her. Hepaticas, of all colours, are unfolding their little flowers which have been so long coiled up, waiting for the gentle influence of spring. Periwinkle, and even polyanthus, are beginning to blossom; and the sweet-scented mezereon bushes are thickly covered with the flowers which I saw quite formed in their little buds five months ago.

The weather has been for some days as soft and mild as it was cold and harsh a week since; and this has rapidly brought out both birds and plants. Even my little dormouse has been more lively.

I have been reading a description of winter, which gives a more melancholy idea of it than I think it deserves.

“Winter, season of death, is the time of the sleep, or the torpor of nature; insects without life, reptiles without motion, and vegetables without verdure. The inhabitants of the air destroyed; those of the water inclosed in prisons of ice; and even the terrestrial animals, in some countries, confined in caverns and holes.”

I do not think that, in the depth of winter, all the little living creatures were so torpid as they are thus described; but the author nicely says, afterwards, “The return of the birds in spring is the first signal of the awakening of nature.” I agree with him in that, as I have for some days observed, that several birds have been singing in an under voice, as if trying their powers; even a thrush, early as it is, warbled a few low notes, for Mary and me, this morning. But there is a little brown bird, with a bluish, ashy-coloured neck, that for two or three weeks I have constantly heard, as it sits on a fir tree near my window, loudly repeating its sweet, though unvaried song. It is the winter fauvette, or hedge-sparrow; which, however, does not belong to the sparrow tribe. The fauvette is described as a lively, amiable bird, very active, and to be found every where; in gardens, in thickets, and hedgerows.

Numbers of insects, too, may be discovered. In our walks last month, we found many under the bark of trees, or concealed in the moss; and Mary told me that some of these are scarce in the summer months. We have often brought home, in our pocket handkerchiefs, great tufts of moss from the roots of trees; and by shaking it over white paper, we have easily collected the insects.

I forgot to mention the golden saxifrage, or stonecrop, with which the shrubbery is bordered, and which is just beginning to flower; and in some of the hedges the sloe is coming into bloom. But, mamma, even in the depth of winter, there was no where that appearance of death described by that melancholy writer; for the bramble retained its leaves, and gave a thin scattering of green to the hedges; while the berries of the wild rose, the euonymus, and the hawthorn, along with the pretty red dog-wood, gave every thing a cheerful look.

I have often thought of the walk I had with my uncle in November, and of the quantity of things which he taught me might be found to observe, even in the worst seasons.