Chapter XXXIV: Past and Future

"MISS CARMICHAEL, I think something ought to be settled about me soon," said Beryl suddenly.

She had been working for some time at one of her favourite counterpanes. Not the same which she had had in hand when she left school: that had been long ago finished, and sent as a present to Suzette Bise. This was destined for Pearl. Diana Fenwick had presented her, the previous summer, under a sudden impulse of generosity, with a supply of cotton large enough to keep her busy for a year to come.

"I have seen that thought in your face for half an hour past," said Miss Carmichael.

"Have you? I didn't know," said Beryl. "I have been thinking for some days. It isn't that I am in a hurry to go. The last seven weeks have been the very happiest I ever spent in all my life. But I must not go on so. It wouldn't be right."

"Would it not?"

"I ought to earn my own living," said Beryl, too intent on her own ideas to notice a certain exchange of glances between Miss Carmichael and Hester. "And after all, the longer I stay here, the worse it will be to go. I can't bear to think about saying good-bye. But it 'has' to be. I have stayed seven whole weeks here now. If only I could hear of something in Hurst!"

"We have no hospital in Hurst," said Miss Carmichael.

"No,—and I am not so sure now that I am fit for nursing," said Beryl humbly. "I think one is much more sure about one's self when one is younger. Besides, I don't quite see how I 'can' be a nurse yet, because I should not be paid anything if I were in a hospital, and I have to make enough to get my own clothes. I think it would be best for me to begin by being a companion to some old lady; and I shall try to lay by a little every year. But you did not like me to ask more about Miss Brown."

"No, I did not. You were a good child to obey in the dark."

"I did think that might have done," said Beryl regretfully. "But of course you know best. Only there seems nothing else in Hurst."

"How old must your old lady be?" asked Miss Carmichael.

Beryl looked rather reproachful. "I really mean it," she said. "I am not joking, Miss Carmichael. I think I feel much more like crying than laughing."

"Don't cry just yet," said Miss Carmichael. "I believe I can tell you of exactly what you want, and in Hurst too. I will explain further presently, and you shall decide for yourself. Hettie has something to say to you first, however, and I fancy her 'say' will not leave me much to explain."

To Beryl's surprise, Miss Carmichael left the room.

"Is it a secret?" she asked.

"No; but I made her promise to leave us alone. I can speak more freely when she is not here," replied Hester. "It is odd that you should have brought up the subject, for we had resolved on a talk about plans this very day."

"Does Miss Carmichael think I have stayed too long?"

"No," Hester said, smiling. "Don't be afraid. Beryl, do you remember a little talk we had one day in a field, when you took a ramble alone, and I spoke to you from behind a hedge?"

"O yes," answered Beryl. "You told me you were so puzzled about something—two paths, you said, and one was as bad as the other."

"Well, no; not precisely that," said Hester, looking amused. "Neither path is 'bad.' But I could not see which was the right path for me to take. And now, I begin to think my difficulties are clearing away."

"Are they? I am glad," said Beryl.

"I want to tell you what the difficulty has been. It will have to be quite a little story. I am thirty years old now, and it is just twelve years since Miss Carmichael first gave me a home. She has been a mother to me ever since, and I owe her—oh, more than I could tell. I owe her the devotion of a dozen lives, if I had them."

"I shouldn't think anything would ever make you leave her," said Beryl innocently.

Hester sighed, and blushed faintly. "One cannot judge for another," she said. "There may always be an equal pull in a second direction. I think I have never mentioned Frank Jamieson to you."

"No," Beryl said wonderingly.

"He and I were playmates from almost babyhood, and we were engaged when we were very young—only sixteen and nineteen. After that, he fell among bad companions at college, went wrong, and was rusticated. My dear father was then dying, and one of the last things he did was to insist on the engagement being broken off."

"Did you care very much for him?"

Hester's eyes filled. "Yes," she said,—"more than I can tell you. Life seemed at an end when I had to give Frank up. And yet I knew my father was right."

"And Mr. Jamieson?"

"He seemed distracted, and said I was driving him altogether to the bad. He sailed for Australia, and never wrote a word home to anybody for years. We heard that he was going on in a wild way, and that he had married a woman quite beneath him in position, and not at all a nice person. You can fancy how unhappy I was. To make matters worse, I had lost everything at my father's death, and for more than two years, I had to live with an uncle who looked upon me as a mere burden. It was when things were in that state, and I was feeling so hopeless and wretched, that I met with Miss Carmichael, and she gave me shelter and comfort and everything. Oh, the peace that it was to be with her!"

Hester paused, and Beryl said "Yes?" expectantly.

"Mr. Jamieson's wife died six years ago," said Hester, in a low voice. "For 'his' sake, one could not regret it—he was so miserable in his home life. And since then, there has been a great change in him. We heard first from others about his becoming so steady, and refusing to have anything to do with bad companions. Then he began writing home regularly himself. And three years ago he came to England for a few months. I saw him several times, and it did seem to me that he was growing into all one could wish. He wanted me very much to promise to marry him then, but I could not. I said I must wait; and Miss Carmichael told him he must be content, after the past, to be tested. He was very humble, and said she was right. But he has stood the test well. There cannot be any doubt now that the change in him is genuine."

"And you want to leave Miss Carmichael, and to go to Australia, and to be his wife," said Beryl slowly, with an odd expression.

"Yes," Hester answered simply. "You cannot of course understand that."

Beryl considered the question. "Yes, I think I can," she said. "If I had ever loved him, I could not leave off loving him. And you really mean to go?"

"He is very lonely," said Hester gently. "And I was promised to him so long ago. I have never cared for anybody else, and I never could. It seems as if now I might help him to keep out of danger, by being with him. He and I would serve God together now. Things are quite different from what they were. But my difficulty has been about Miss Carmichael. I cannot bear the thought of leaving her alone. She says I must not think of her. But I do think; and if it were not for that, I would have gone out to Australia months ago. I am sure I would."

"And you have not told Mr. Jamieson yet that you mean to marry him," said Beryl.

"Yes; we are engaged. I am promised to him, only I wrote that it could not be yet. But Miss Carmichael wants me not to delay. She says it is not right."

"I don't know him, of course, and I do know Miss Carmichael, so I suppose I am not a good judge," said Beryl. "It seems to me as if I could never leave Miss Carmichael for anybody else, in your place. I don't wonder you have been puzzled what to do."

"I have been; but I think I see a way out of the difficulty," said Hester. "Beryl, will you live with Miss Carmichael in my place? We both wish it."

Beryl sat staring at Hester. The proposal seemed to her too radiant with happiness to be true. She thought other words must follow, explaining away the apparent sense of the question.

"Don't you understand?" asked Hester. "When I go to Australia, will you take my place with Miss Carmichael, and be her comfort, and do everything you can for her?"

"Live with Miss Carmichael!" Beryl's manner was short, and her voice was husky. She broke into a laugh.

"Would you like it? Or have you a fancy for being independent?"

"Live with Miss Carmichael! I—I—you don't mean only just to stay with her? 'Live' here! O Hettie!"

The undemonstrative Beryl sprang up, and threw her arms round Hester.

"O Hettie, you don't mean it really! I can't believe it yet. Live with Miss Carmichael! Not always!"

"Yes, always," Hester said, gently releasing her neat little figure from Beryl's clutch, and kissing either cheek. "I am glad you feel so about it. I felt sure you would be pleased."

"Pleased! It's—it's—only too good to be true," Beryl gasped.

"But, Beryl, listen to me quietly. I want to say something more. If this is to take place, I want it to be a lasting plan. I don't want to hear by and by, when I am settled in Australia, that you have left Miss Carmichael, and have taken up hospital-nursing or anything else of the kind. I want you to count this your life-work, so long as the need exists—to count yourself bound to it, if once you take it on yourself. It seems to me that the daily ministering to one like Miss Carmichael is as truly work for God as any other work could be. But you may see the matter differently."

"I don't. I see it just the same," said Beryl. "I should like to spend my whole life in waiting upon her. I can promise, with all my heart, never, never to leave her, of my own free choice."

"Unless, of course, Mr. Right makes his appearance, in your case as in mine."

"Oh, no fear of that. I'm too ugly ever to marry, and I care for so few people," said Beryl joyously.

"And how about Mrs. Fenwick? Suppose she should change her mind by and by, and wish you to live with her again."

"I could not do that," said Beryl. "I talked about it the other day with Miss Crosbie, and I think she agreed with me. I would be glad to do anything to help Aunt Di, but I could not be dependent on her again. I should always feel that she might any day want to turn me off."

"Then you can promise that nothing over which you have control shall break through the engagement, except Mr.—"

"O Hettie, I promise with all my heart, and you need have no fear of any Mr. Right or Mr. Wrong either. I shall have Miss Carmichael, and Pearl will be near. I want nothing else."

Hester went to the door, and called,—"Miss Carmichael!"

"Is the matter settled?" asked Miss Carmichael, coming in. "Will you be my child, Beryl?"

Beryl's answer was a wordless clasp of exceeding happiness.

"I don't quite know what the long talk has been about," said Miss Carmichael. "My own fashion of settling the question would have been much simpler, I suspect. But Hettie wished to have the management in her own hands."

"I am quite satisfied with the result," said Hester.

"I can't believe it yet," Beryl said, looking dazed, and she repeated again: "It seems much too good to be true."

"I do not understand that expression," said Miss Carmichael. "I never found yet that any joy in life was 'too good' to be my Father's will for me. 'He giveth us richly all things to enjoy.' And when He gives you of the best, children, 'take, and be thankful.'"

Then turning to Hester,—

"Now your heart is at rest about Beryl and me, what of your own plans, my Emerald? When is it to be?"

"I don't know how to leave you," Hester said, with full eyes. "And yet—"

"How soon?" repeated Miss Carmichael softly. "Will he come home?"

"I don't think I ought to ask it."

"And you are willing to undertake the voyage alone—for his sake?"

"If it is right, I can," said Hester meekly. "He could not come home for many months, and he seems so sad and depressed."

"I must settle the matter for you," said Miss Carmichael, touching Hester's brow lovingly. "A few more weeks only! But the separation is not for long, after all. We shall be together—by and by."

Some minutes later, she said, "I have had a visitor in the other room, while you two were chatting so busily."

"Who was it?" asked Hester.

"Miss Crosbie. She gave me a piece of news. Mrs. Fenwick's house is let for three years."

"Aunt Di's house!" exclaimed Beryl.

"The matter has been suddenly arranged. Miss Crosbie seems uneasy about her sister. Mrs. Fenwick writes to her, as if relieved to be quit of Hurst for the present. But Miss Crosbie thinks she will wish to return long before the three years are over."

"And Miss Crosbie is not going to travel with Mrs. Fenwick?" asked Hester.

"I imagine not. She speaks of remaining at Mr. Crosbie's."