Chapter XXII: Appendix: N° 1. See p. 23 (2)

"And, indeed, unless there was a sufficient warrant for such alterations, the workmen should go to the right person's door, and he that set them to work ought to pay them; for, in my humble opinion, the place needed no alteration: it was decent, convenient, and indeed ornamental enough before; there was no more sign, or fear of its falling, than there was occasion to take it down, and deprive the parish of a conveniency now very much wanted, I mean a little vestry-room, which was behind the old communion table, where the books, vessels, and vestments of the church, were ready at hand, and just at the very altar; whereas now every thing is brought quite through the body of the church, which in case of a croud (as of late has been but too frequent) is both tedious and inconvenient to the last degree.

"But, notwithstanding this, it was resolutely taken down, to gratify the pride and malice of some persons, who thirsted to eternize their names, and affront the government. What have been the consequences of all this, but an eye-sore and heart-burning to the honest and loyal part of the inhabitants, and a continual hurly-burly of loiterers from all parts of the town, to see our Popish raree-show?"

After a digression on the famous altar at _White-Chapel_, in which Dean _Kennet_ was said to be satirized, and some general observations on pictures in churches, the Letter-writer adds, "Never before was any Popish saint put over the communion-table in a Protestant church. The Last Supper, the Passion, Crucifixion, or some other incidents of our Blessed Saviour's life, are the general subjects given to painters on these occasions; but to have a concert of musick, &c. (suppose it were not the Pretender's spouse, and probably some more of his family, under the form of angels) is the most abrupt and foreign that I ever saw or heard of.

"What surprizes me most is, that any of my fellow parishioners should not only dispute your Lordship's commands, delay the execution of your just injunction, when it was most reasonable and necessary, but pester your Lordship with impertinent petitions and remonstrances, as if they were injured and oppressed, or your Lordship misinformed. This must be the reason; or to what purpose did they trifle with and contest your Lordship's ordinance? But you are too just a man to give any sentence but the most impartial, and too steady to give up any point, where the peace of the Church and the honour of the King is concerned.

"Whoever murmurs at its being taken down, takes the part of those who set it up; and whoever takes their part, is as bad as themselves, and would do the like on the like opportunity. What can they object against its being removed? What can they offer for having it remain? But why's, and why not's. As, Why should it be removed? What hurt did it do? Why should so much money be thrown away? And, why might not that picture be there as well as any other? Why does your Lordship interfere in the matter? This, with a glance of complaint at your Lordship, and severe invectives against those who solicited that interposition, calling them informers, busy, forward, mischief-making fellows, who had better mind their own business, and such like ribaldry, is all they can say for themselves. But these are the worst reasons in the world, and invidious queries only to evade an argument, and are not to be admitted in a debate of this nature, where a direct reason for, or against, is required. But give me leave, my Lord, and I will, in a few words, answer all their queries, which seem so weighty and formidable to the vulgar and ignorant.

"Why should it be removed? may be answered by another question, What business had it there? But as I scorn such quibbling ways of reasoning, I shall answer them, because it is unfit for that sacred place. If it is the Princess _Sobieski's_ image, it is sacrilegious and traiterous, and therefore ought to be removed. If it is, as they say, a choir of heavenly angels at a practice of musick, playing on earthly instruments, it is impertinent and absurd to the last degree, and therefore ought to be removed from a place where the utmost decorum should be kept.

"What hurt does it, say they? To which I answer, it hurted or disturbed the peace of the church, and was so far hurtful, as we were hindered or annoyed in our devotions; it made a division in the parish, and was so far hurtful, as it tended to the breach of peace and good neighbourhood; and therefore I think it ought to be removed, since, not to answer them with a question, but a common saying, it did hurt enough.

"Why should so much money be thrown away? Ay, there's the grievance; but I shall tell them, they may thank themselves, it was the act and deed of their own cabal; and though they might triumph and laugh in their sleeves for a while, yet murder will out, and they might expect to be paid in their own coin one time or other. There was no occasion to remove the old communion-table and vestry; and therefore all the money is thrown away; the worse their management. Nor was there any necessity of so sumptuous an altar-piece, or of that picture in particular, therefore so much money as that picture cost, which, by the bye, is no trifling sum[1] (the painter, as well as his masters, being no small fool), is entirely thrown away, and has been cast into _The Thames_; or, as the vulgar have it, thrown down the kennel.

"It was set up against the will of the major part of the parish, and not without much murmur and complaint; there was yet a much greater majority for pulling it down; if therefore so much money is thrown away, it is pity the parish should pay it; and, no doubt, when your Lordship comes to enquire by what authority a set of men ran the parish so much in debt for their own whims, and without any manner of occasion, you will do us justice, and teach such persons for the future to consult the bishop, and have the general consent of the parish, before they run into such extravagancies.

"The tradesmen want their money, and the parish cannot pay them: your Lordship therefore will do very well to adjust this matter, that they may know where to go for their money.

"Their delaying to take down their idol, was a tacit disputing your lordship's commands, irreligious and contumacious to the last degree: and indeed I cannot say but some of the public prints[2] gave me great anxiety, when they had the impudence to assure the world it was not to be taken down: but that anxiety was of short continuance; for I had the satisfaction the next morning to find it removed, and whole crowds of idle persons who came to see it disappointed; then I found, to my great comfort, that you were not to be biassed; but, as you had begun the good work, you had gone through with it, and made them take it down with a witness."

[1] It cost fourscore pounds.

[2] _The Post-Boy_ and _Daily Journal_ of _Saturday, September_ 4.

N° III. [See p. 414.]

An Account of what seemed most remarkable in the Five Days' Peregrination of the Five following Persons, viz. Messieurs TOTHALL, SCOTT, HOGARTH, THORNHILL, and FORREST; begun on _Saturday, May_ 27, 1732, and finished on the 31st of the same Month. Imitated in _Hudibrasticks_ by one well acquainted with some of the Travellers, and of the Places here celebrated, with Liberty of some Additions.

"Abi tu, et fac similiter."
Inscription on _Dulwich_ College Porch.

'Twas first of morn on _Saturday_,
The seven-and-twentieth day of _May_,
When _Hogarth, Thornhill, Tothall, Scott,_
And _Forrest_, who this journal wrote,
From _Covent-Garden_ took departure, 5
To see the world by land and water.

Our march we with a song begin;
Our hearts were light, our breeches thin.
We meet with nothing of adventure
Till _Billingsgate's Dark-house_ we enter; 10
Where we diverted were, while baiting,
With ribaldry, not worth relating,
(Quite suited to the dirty place):
But what most pleas'd us was his Grace
Of _Puddle Dock_, a porter grim, 15
Whose portrait _Hogarth_, in a whim,
Presented him in caricature,
He pasted on the cellar-door.[1]

But hark! the Watchman cries "Past one!"
'Tis time that we on board were gone. 20
Clean straw we find laid for our bed,
A tilt for shelter over head.
The boat is soon got under sail,
Wind near S. E. a mackrel gale,
Attended by a heavy rain; 25
We try to sleep, but try in vain,
So sing a song, and then begin
To feast on biscuit, beef, and gin.

At _Purfleet_ find three men of war,
The _Dursley_ galley, _Gibraltar_, 30
And _Tartar_ pink, and of this last
The pilot begg'd of us a cast
To _Gravesend_, which he greatly wanted,
And readily by us was granted.
The grateful man, to make amends, 35
Told how the officers and friends
Of _England_ were by _Spaniards_ treated,
And shameful instances repeated.

While he these insults was deploring,
_Hogarth_, like Premier, fell to snoring, 40
But waking cry'd, "I dream'd"--and then
Fell fast asleep, and snor'd again.

The morn clear'd up, and after five
At port of _Gravesend_ we arrive,
But found it hard to get on shore; 45
His boat a young son of a whore
Had fix'd just at our landing-place,
And swore we should not o'er it pass;
But, spite of all the rascal's tricks,
We made a shift to land by six, 50
And up to Mrs. _Bramble's_ go
[A house that we shall better know],
There get a barber for our wigs,
Wash hands and faces, stretch our legs,
Had toast and butter, and a pot 55
Of coffee (our third breakfast) got:
Then, paying what we had to pay,
For _Rochester_ we took our way,
Viewing the new church as we went,
And th' unknown person's monument. 60

The beauteous prospects found us talk.
And shorten'd much our two hours walk,
Though by the way we did not fail
To stop and take three pots of ale,
And this enabled us by ten 65
At _Rochester_ to drink again.

Now, Muse, assist, while I declare
(Like a true _English_ traveller)
What vast variety we survey
In the short compass of one day. 70

We scarce had lost the sight of _Thames_,
When the fair _Medway's_ winding streams,
And far-extending _Rochester_,
Before our longing eyes appear:
The Castle and Cathedral grace 75
One prospect, so we mend our pace;
Impatient for a nearer view,
But first must _Strood's_ rough street trudge through,
And this our feet no short one find;
However, with a cheerful mind, 80
All difficulties we get o'er,
And soon are on the _Medway's_ shore.
New objects here before us rise,
And more than satisfy our eyes,
The stately Bridge from side to side, 85
The roaring cataracts of the tide,
Deafen our ears, and charm our sight,
And terrify while they delight.
These we pass over to the Town,
And take our Quarters at _The Crown_, 90
To which the Castle is so near,
That we all in a hurry were
The grand remains on't to be viewing;
It is indeed a noble ruin,
Must have been very strong, but length 95
Of time has much impair'd its strength:
The lofty Tower as high or higher
Seems than the old Cathedral's spire;
Yet we determin'd were to gain
Its top, which cost some care and pain; 100
When there arriv'd, we found a well,
The depth of which I cannot tell;
Small holes cut in on every side
Some hold for hands and feet provide,
By which a little boy we saw 105
Go down, and bring up a jack-daw.

All round about us then we gaze,
Observing, not without amaze,
How towns here undistinguish'd join,
And one vast One to form combine. 110
_Chatham_ with _Rochester_ seems but one,
Unless we're shewn the boundary-stone.
That and its Yards contiguous lie
To pleasant _Brompton_ standing high;
The Bridge across the raging flood 115
Which _Rochester_ divides from _Strood_,
Extensive _Strood_, on t'other side,
To _Frindsbury_ quite close ally'd:
The country round, and river fair,
Our prospects made beyond compare, 120
Which quite in raptures we admire;
Then down to face of earth retire.

Up the Street walking, first of all
We take a view of the Town-Hall.
Proceeding farther on, we spy 125
A house, design'd to catch the eye,
With front so rich, by plastick skill,
As made us for a while stand still:
Four huge Hobgoblins grace the wall,
Which we four Bas Relievo's call; 130
They the four Seasons represent,
At least were form'd for that intent.

Then _Watts's Hospital_ we see
(No common curiosity):
Endow'd (as on the front appears) 135
In favour of poor travellers;
Six such it every night receives,
Supper and lodging _gratis_ gives,
And to each man next morn does pay
A groat, to keep him on his way: 140
But the contagiously infected,
And rogues and proctors, are rejected.

It gave us too some entertainment
To find out what this bounteous man meant.
Yet were we not so highly feasted, 145
But that we back to dinner hasted.

By twelve again we reach _The Crown_,
But find our meat not yet laid down,
So (spite of "Gentlemen, d'ye call?")
On chairs quite fast asleep we fall, 150
And with clos'd eyes again survey,
In dreams, what we have seen to-day:
Till dinner's coming up, when we
As ready are as that can be.

If we describe it not, we're undone, 155
You'll scarce believe we came from _London_.
With due attention then prepare
Yourself to hear our bill of fare.
For our first course a dish there was
Of soles and flounders with crab-sauce, 160
A stuff'd and roast calf's-heart beside,
With 'purt'nance minc'd, and liver fry'd;
And for a second course, they put on
Green pease and roasted leg of mutton:
The cook was much commended for't; 165
Fresh was the beer, and sound the port:
So that _nem. con._ we all agree
(Whatever more we have to see)
From table we'll not rise till three.

Our shoes are clean'd, 'tis three o'clock, 170
Come let's away to _Chatham-Dock_;
We shan't get there till almost four,
To see't will take at least an hour;
Yet _Scott_ and _Hogarth_ needs must stop
At the Court-Hall to play _Scotch_ hop. 175

To _Chatham_ got, ourselves we treat
With Shrimps, which as we walk we eat.
For speed we take a round-a-bout-
way, as we afterwards found out:
At length reach the King's yards and docks, 180
Admire the ships there on the stocks,
The men of war afloat we view,
Find means to get aboard of two;[2]
But here I must not be prolix,
For we went home again at six, 185
There smoak'd our pipes, and drank our wine,
And comfortably sat till nine,
Then, with our travels much improv'd,
To our respective beds we mov'd.

_Sunday_ at seven we rub our eyes, 190
But are too lazy yet to rise:
_Hogarth_ and _Thornhill_ tell their dreams,
And, reasoning deeply on those themes,
After much learned speculation,
Quite suitable to the occasion, 195
Left off as wise as they begun,
Which made for us in bed good fun.

But by and by, when up we got,
_Sam Scott_ was missing, "Where's _Sam Scott_?"
"Oh! here he comes. Well! whence come you?" 200
"Why from the bridge, taking a view[3]
Of something that did highly please me,
But people passing by would teaze me
With 'Do you work on _Sundays_, friend?'
So that I could not make an end." 205

At this we laugh'd, for 'twas our will
Like men of taste that day to kill.
So after breakfast we thought good
To cross the bridge again to _Strood_:
Thence eastward we resolve to go, 210
And through the Hundred march of _Hoo_,
Wash'd on the north side by the _Thames_,
And on the south by _Medway's_ streams.
Which to each other here incline,
Till at _The Nore_ in one they join. 215

Before we _Frindsbury_ could gain,
There fell a heavy shower of rain,
When crafty _Scott_ a shelter found
Under a hedge upon the ground,
There of his friends a joke he made, 220
But rose most woefully bewray'd;
How against him the laugh was turn'd,
And he the vile disaster mourn'd!
We work, all hands, to make him clean,
And fitter to be smelt and seen. 225
But, while we scrap'd his back and side,
All on a sudden, out he cried,
"I've lost my cambrick handkercher,
'Twas lent me by my wife so dear:
What I shall do I can't devise, 230
I've nothing left to wipe my eyes."

At last the handkerchief was found,
To his great comfort, safe and sound,
He's now recover'd and alive;
So in high spirits all arrive 235
At _Frindsbury_, fam'd for prospects fair,
But we much more diverted were
With what the parish church did grace,
"A list of some who lov'd the place,
In memory of their good actions, 240
And gratitude for their benefactions.
Witness our hands--_Will. Gibbons_, Vicar--"
And no one else.--This made us snicker:
At length, with countenances serious,
We all agreed it was mysterious, 245
Not guessing that the reason might
Be, the Churchwardens could not write.

At ten, in council it was mov'd,
Whoe'er was tir'd, or disapprov'd
Of our proceedings, might go back, 250
And cash to bear his charges take.
With indignation this was heard:
Each was for all events prepar'd.
So all with one consent agreed
To _Upnor-Castle_ to proceed, 255
And at the sutler's there we din'd
On such coarse fare as we could find.

The Castle[4] was not large, but strong,
And seems to be of standing long.
Twenty-four men its garrison, 260
And just for every man a gun;
Eight guns were mounted, eight men active,
The rest were rated non-effective.
Here an old couple, who had brought
Some cockles in their boat, besought 265
That one of us would buy a few,
For they were very fresh and new.
I did so, and 'twas charity;
He was quite blind, and half blind she.

Now growing frolicksome and gay, 270
Like boys, we, after dinner, play,
But, as the scene lay in a fort,
Something like war must be our sport:
Sticks, stones, and hogs-dung, were our weapons,
And, as in such frays oft it happens, 275
Poor _Tothall's_ cloaths here went to pot,
So that he could not laugh at _Scott_.

From hence all conquerors we go
To visit the church-yard at _Hoo_.
At _Hoo_ we found an Epitaph, 280
Which made us (as 'twill make you) laugh:
A servant maid, turn'd poetaster,
Wrote it in honour of her master;
I therefore give you (and I hope you
Will like it well) a _Vera Copia_: 285
"And.wHen.he.Died.You plainly.see
Hee.freely.gave.al.to.Sara.passaWee.
And.in.Doing.so.it DoTh.prevail.
that.Ion.him.can.well.bes.Tow.this Rayel.
On.Year.sarved.him.it is well.none. 290
BuT Thanks.beto.God.it.is.all my.One."

While here among the Graves we stumble,
Our _Hogarth's_ guts began to grumble,
Which he to ease, turn'd up his tail
Over a monumental rail; 295
_Tothall_, for this indecent action,
Bellowing on him just correction
With nettles, as there was no birch,
He fled for refuge to the church,
And shamefully the door besh-t; 300
O filthy dauber! filthy wit!

Long at one place we must not stay,
'Tis almost four, let's haste away.
But here's a sign; 'tis rash we think,
To leave the place before we drink. 305
We meet with liquor to our mind,
Our hostess complaisant and kind:
She was a widow, who, we found,
Had (as the phrase is) been shod round,
That is, had buried husbands four, 310
And had no want of charms for more;
Yet her we leave, and, as we go,
_Scott_ bravely undertook to show
That through the world we could not pass,
How thin soe'er our breeches was; 315
"'Tis true, indeed, we may go round,
But through"--then pointed to the ground.
So well he manag'd the debate,
We own'd he was a man of weight:
And so indeed he was this once, 320
His pockets we had fill'd with stones:
But here we'd serv'd ourselves a trick,
Of which he might have made us sick:
We'd furnish'd him with ammunition
Fit to knock down all opposition; 325
And, knowing well his warmth of temper,
Out of his reach began to scamper,
Till, growing cooler, he pretends
His passion feign'd, so all are friends.
Our danger now becomes a joke, 330
And peaceably we go to _Stoke_.
About the church we nothing can see
To strike or entertain our fancy:
But near a farm, on an elm tree,
A long pole fix'd upright we see, 335
And tow'rd the top of it was plac'd
A weathercock, quite in high taste,
Which all of us, ere we go further,
Pronounce of the Composite order.

First, on a board turn'd by the wind, 340
A painter had a cock design'd,
A common weather-cock was above it,
This turn'd too as the wind did move it;
Then on the spindle's point so small
A shuttlecock stuck o'ertopp'd them all. 345

This triple alliance gave occasion
To much improving speculation.

Alas! we ne'er know when we are well,
So at _Northfleet_ again must quarrel;
But fought not here with sticks and stones 350
(For those, you know, might break our bones)!
A well just by, full to the brim,
Did fitter for our purpose seem;
So furiously we went to dashing,
Till our coats wanted no more washing; 355
But this our heat and courage cooling,
'Twas soon high time to leave such fooling.
To _The Nag's Head_ we therefore hie,
To drink, and to be turn'd adry.

At six, while supper was preparing, 360
And we about the marsh-lands staring,
Our two game-cocks, _Tothall_ and _Scott_,
To battling once again were got:
But here no weapons could they find,
Save what the cows dropp'd from behind; 365
With these they pelted, till we fancy
Their cloaths look'd something like a tansy.

At seven we all come home again,
_Tothall_ and _Scott_ their garments clean;
Supper we get, and, when that's o'er, 370
A tiff of punch drink at the door;
Then, as the beds were only three,
Draw cuts who shall so lucky be
As here to sleep without a chum;
To _Tothall's_ share the prize did come 375
_Hogarth_ and _Thornhill, Scott_ and I,
In pairs, like man and wife, must lie.
Then mighty frolicksome they grow,
At _Scott_ and me the stocking throw,
Fight with their wigs, in which perhaps 380
They sleep, for here we found no caps.

Up at eleven again we get,
Our sheets were so confounded wet;
We dress, and lie down in our cloaths;
_Monday_, at three, awak'd and rose, 385
And of the cursed gnats complain,
Yet make a shift to sleep again.

Till six o'clock we quiet lay,
And then got out for the whole day;
To fetch a barber, out we send; 390
Stripp'd, and in boots, he does attend,
For he's a fisherman by trade;
Tann'd was his face, shock was his head;
He flours our wigs, and trims our faces,
And the top barber of the place is. 395
The cloth is for our breakfast spread;
A bowl of milk and toasted bread
Are brought, of which while _Forrest_ eats.
To draw our pictures _Hogarth_ sits;[5]
_Thornhill_ is in the barber's hands, 400
Shaving himself _Will Tothall_ stands;
While _Scott_ is in a corner sitting,
And an unfinish'd piece completing.

Our reckoning about eight we pay,
And take for Isle of _Greane_ our way; 405
To keep the road we were directed,
But, as 'twas bad, this rule neglected;
A tempting path over a stile
Let us astray above a mile;
Yet the right road at last we gain, 410
And joy to find ourselves at _Greane_;
Where my Dame _Husbands_, at _The Chequer_,
Refresh'd us with some good malt liquor;
Into her larder then she runs,
Brings out salt pork, butter and buns, 415
And coarse black bread; but that's no matter,
'Twill fortify us for the water.
Here _Scott_ so carefully laid down
His penknife which had cost a crown,
That all in vain we sought to find it, 420
And, for his comfort, say, "Ne'er mind it;"
For to _Sheerness_ we now must go:
To this the ferryman says, "No."
We to another man repair'd:
He too says, "No--it blows too hard." 425
But, while we study how to get there
In spite of this tempestuous weather,
Our landlady a scheme propos'd,
With which we fortunately clos'd,
Was to the shore to go, and try 430
To hail the ships in ordinary,
So we might get, for no great matter,
A boat to take us o'er the water.
We haste, and soon the shore we tread,
With various kinds of shells bespread. 435
And in a little time we spy'd
A boat approaching on our side;
The man to take us in agreed,
But that was difficult indeed,
Till, holding in each hand an oar, 440
He made a sort of bridge to shore,
O'er which on hands and knees we crawl,[6]
And so get safe on board the yawl.

In little time we seated were,
And now to _Shepey's_ coast draw near; 445
When suddenly, with loud report,
The cannons roar from ships and fort,
And, like tall fellows, we impute
To our approach this grand salute:
But soon, alas! our pride was humbled, 450
And from this fancy'd height we tumbled,
On recollecting that the day
The nine and twentieth was of _May_.

The firing had not long been ended.
Before at _Sheerness_ we were landed, 455
Where on the battery while we walk,
And of the charming prospect talk,
_Scott_ from us in a hurry runs,
And, getting to the new-fir'd guns,
Unto their touch-holes clapp'd his nose; 460
_Hogarth_ sits down, and trims his toes;
These whims when we had made our sport,
Our turn we finish round the fort,
And are at one for _Queenborough_ going:
Bleak was the walk, the wind fierce blowing, 465
And driving o'er our heads the spray;
On loose beach stones, our pebbly way,
But _Thornhill_ only got a fall,
Which hurt him little, if at all:
So merrily along we go, 470
And reach that famous town by two.

_Queenborough_ consists of one short street,[7]
Broad, and well-pav'd, and very neat;
Nothing like dirt offends the eye,
Scarce any people could we spy: 475
The town-house, for the better show,
Is mounted on a portico
Of piers and arches, number four,
And crown'd at top with a clock-tower;
But all this did not reach so high 480
As a flag-staff, that stood just by,
On which a standard huge was flying
(The borough's arms, the king's supplying),
Which on high festivals they display
To do the honours of the day. 485
As for salutes, excus'd they are,
Because they have no cannon there.

To the church-yard we first repair,
And hunt for choice inscriptions there,
Search stones and rails, till almost weary all, 490
In hopes to find something material.
When one at last, of pyebald style
(Though grave the subject) made us smile:
Telling us first, in humble prose,
"That _Henry Knight_ doth here repose, 495
A _Greenland_ Trader twice twelve year,
As master and as harpooneer;"
Then, in as humble verse, we read
(As by himself in person said)
"In _Greenland_ I whales, sea-horse, and bears did slay, 500
Though now my body is intombed in clay."

The house at which we were to quarter
Is call'd _The Swans_; this rais'd our laughter.
Because the sign is _The Red Lion_,
So strange a blunder we cry "Fie on!" 505
But, going in, all neat we see
And clean; so was our landlady:
With great civility she told us,
She had not beds enough to hold us,
But a good neighbour had just by, 510
Where some of us perhaps might lie.
She sends to ask. The merry dame
Away to us directly came,
Quite ready our desires to grant,
And furnish us with what we want. 515

Back to the church again we go;
Which is but small, ill built, and low,
View'd the inside, but still see we
Nothing of curiosity
Unless we suffer the grave-digger 520
In this our work to make a figure,
Whom just beside us now we have,
Employ'd in opening of a grave.

A prating spark indeed he was,
Knew all the scandal of the place, 525
And often rested from his labours,
To give the history of his neighbours;
Told who was who, and what was what,
Till on him we bestow'd a pot
(For he forgot not, you may think, 530
"Masters, I hope, you'll make me drink!"),
At this his scurrilous tongue run faster,
Till "a sad dog" he call'd his master,
Told us the worshipful the Mayor
Was but a custom-house officer; 535
Still rattling on till we departed,
Not only with his tales diverted,
But so much wisdom we had got.
We treated him with t'other pot.

Return we now to the town-hall. 540
That, like the borough, is but small,
Under its portico's a space,
Which you may call the market-place,
Just big enough to hold the stocks,
And one, if not two, butcher's blocks, 545
Emblems of plenty and excess,
Though you can no where meet with less:
For though 'tis call'd a market-town
(As they are not asham'd to own)
Yet we saw neither butcher's meat, 550
Nor fish, nor fowl, nor aught to eat.
Once in seven years, they say, there's plenty,
When strangers come to represent ye.

Hard at _The Swans_ had been our fare,
But that some _Harwich_ men were there, 555
Who lately had some lobsters taken,
With which, and eke some eggs and bacon,
Our bellies we design to fill;
But first will clamber up the hill,
A most delightful spot of ground, 560
O'erlooking all the country round;
On which there formerly has been
The palace of _Philippa_, queen
To the third _Edward_, as they tell,
Now nought remains on 't but a well: 565
But 'tis from hence, says common fame,
The borough gets its royal name.

Two sailors at this well we meet,
And do each other kindly greet:
"What brings you here, my lads?" cry we. 570
"Thirst, please your honours, as you see;
For (adds the spokesman) we are here
Waiting for our young officer,
A midshipman on board _The Rose_,
(For General _S----'s_ son he goes): 575
We and our messmates, six in all,
Yesterday brought him in our yawl,
And when, as we had been commanded,
Quite safe and dry we had him landed,
By running of her fast aground 580
At tide of ebb, he quickly found
That he might go and see _Sheerness_,
So here he left us pennyless,
To feast on _Queenborough_ air and water,
Or starve, to him 'tis no great matter; 585
While he among his friends at ease is,
And will return just when he pleases;
Perhaps he may come back to-day;
If not, he knows that we must stay."

So one of us gave him a tester, 590
When both cried out, "God bless you, master!"
Then ran to rouse their sleeping fellows,
To share their fortune at the alehouse.

Hence to the creek-side, one and all,
We go to see _The Rose's_ yawl, 595
And found her bedded in the mud,
Immovable till tide of flood.

The sailors here had cockles got,
Which gratefully to us they brought,
'Twas all with which they could regale us; 600
This t'other sixpence sent to th' alehouse:
So merrily they went their way,
And we were no less pleas'd than they.

At seven about the town we walk,
And with some pretty damsels talk. 605
Beautiful nymphs indeed, I ween,
Who came to see, and to be seen.

Then to our _Swans_ returning, there
We borrow'd a great wooden chair,
And plac'd it in the open street, 610
Where, in much state, did _Hogarth_ sit
To draw the townhouse, church, and steeple,[8]
Surrounded by a crowd of people;
Tag, rag, and bobtail, stood quite thick there,
And cry'd, "What a sweet pretty picture!" 615

This was not finish'd long, before
We saw, about the Mayor's fore-door,
Our honest sailors in a throng:
We call'd one of them from among
The rest, to tell us the occasion; 620
Of which he gave us this relation:

"Our midshipman is just come back,
And chanc'd to meet or overtake
A sailor walking with a woman
(May be, she's honest, may be, common): 625
He thought her handsome, so his honour
Would needs be very sweet upon her:
But this the seaman would not suf-
fer, and this put him in a huff.
'Lubber, avast,' says sturdy _John_, 630
'Avast, I say, let her alone;
You shall not board her, she's my wife.
Sheer off, Sir, if you love your life:
I've a great mind your back to lick;'
And up he held his oaken stick. 635

"Our midship hero this did scare:
'I'll swear the peace before the Mayor,'
Says he; so to the Mayor's they trudge:"
How then a case by such a judge
Determin'd was, I cannot say, 640
We thought it not worth while to stay:
For it strikes nine, "How th' evening spends!
Come, let us drink to all our friends
A chearful glass, and eat a bit."
So to our supper down we sit; 645
When something merry check'd our mirth:
The _Harwich_ men had got a birth
Closely adjoining to our room,
And were to spend their evening come:
The wall was thin, and they so near, 650
That all they say, or sing, we hear.
We sung our songs, we crack'd our jokes,
Their emulation this provokes;
And they perform'd so joyously,
As distanc'd hollow all our glee; 655
So (were it not a bull) I'd lay,
This night they fairly won the day.

Now plenteously we drink of flip,
In hopes we shall the better sleep;
Some rest the long day's work requires; 660
_Scott_ to his lodging first retires;
His landlady is waiting for him,
And to his chamber walks before him;
In her fair hand a light she bears,
And shows him up the garret-stairs; 665
Away comes he greatly affronted,
And his disgrace to us recounted.
This makes us game, we roast him for it,
"_Scott's_ too high-minded for a garret."
But _Tothall_ more humanely said, 670
"Come, _Scott_, be easy, take my bed,
And to your garret I will go."
(This great good-nature sure did show):
There finding nought him to entertain
But a flock-bed without a curtain, 675
He too in haste came back, and got
Away to share his bed with _Scott_,
And at eleven each goes to nest,
Till _Tuesday_ morn to take his rest.

At six comes _Hogarth_, "Rise, Sirs, rise," 680
Says he, with roguery in his eyes,
"_Scott's_ landlady is below stairs.
And roundly the good woman swears,
That for his lodging he shall pay,
(Where his tir'd bones he scorn'd to lay) 685
Or he should go before the Mayor."
She's in the right on't, we declare,
For this would cut the matter short,
(At least 'twould make us special sport):
But here she balk'd us, and, no doubt, 690
Had wit enough to find us out.
Our mark thus miss'd, we kindly go,
To see how he and _Tothall_ do.
We find the doors all open were,
(It seems that's not unusual here): 695
They're very well, but _Scott_ last night
Had been in a most dreadful fright:
"When to his room he got," he said,
"And just was stepping into bed,
He thought he saw the bed-cloaths stir, 700
So back he flew in mortal fear;
But taking heart of grace, he try'd
To feel what 'twas, when out it cry'd
Again he starts, but to his joy,
It prov'd a little harmless boy, 705
Who by mistake had thither crept,
And soundly (till he wak'd him) slept
So from his fears recover'd quite
He got to sleep, and slept all night."
We laugh at this, and he laughs too, 710
For, pray, what better could he do?

At ten we leave our _Lion-Swans_,
And to the higher lands advance,
Call on our laundress by the way,
For the led shirts left yesterday 715
To wash; "She's sorry, they're not yet
Quite dry!"--"Why then we'll take them wet:
They'll dry and iron'd be, we hope,
At _Minster_, where we next shall stop."

The way was good, the weather fair, 720
The prospects most delightful were.
To _Minster_ got, with labour hard
We climb'd the hill to the church-yard,
But, when arriv'd there, did not fail
To read some verses on a rail 725
Well worth transcribing, we agree,
Whether you think so, you may see.
"Here interr'd _George Anderson_ doth lye,
By fallen on an anchor he did dye
In _Sheerness_ yard on _Good Friday_ 730
The 6th of _April_, I do say.
All you that read my allegy be alwaies
Ready for to dye--aged 42 years."

Of monuments that here they shew
Within the church, we drew but two; 735
One an ambassador of _Spain's_,[9]
T' other Lord _Shorland's_[10] dust contains,
Of whom they have a wondrous story,
Which (as they tell) I'll lay before ye.

The Lord of _Shorland_, on a day,[11] 740
Chancing to take a ride this way,
About a corpse observ'd a crowd,
Against their priest complaining loud,
That he would not the service say,
Till somebody his fees should pay. 745

On this, his lordship too did rave,
And threw the priest into the grave,
"Make haste, and fill it up," said he,
"We'll bury both without a fee."
But when got home, and cool, reflecting 750
On the strange part he had been acting,
He drew a state up of the case,
Humbly petitioning for grace,
And to the sea gallop'd away,
Where, at that time, a frigate lay, 755
With Queen _Elizabeth_ on board,
When (strange to tell!) this hare-brain'd Lord
On horseback swam to the ship's side,
And there to see the Queen apply'd.
His case she reads; her royal breast 760
Is mov'd to grant him his request.
His pardon thankfully he takes,
And, swimming still, to land he makes:
But, on his riding up the beach,
He an old woman met, a witch: 765
"This horse, which now your life doth save,"
Says she, "will bring you to the grave."
"You'll prove a lier," says my lord,
"You ugly hag!" and with his sword
(Acting a most ungrateful part) 770
His panting steed stabb'd to the heart.

It happen'd, after many a day,
That with some friends he stroll'd that way,
And this strange story, as they walk,
Became the subject of their talk: 775
When, "There the carcase lies," he cry'd,
"Upon the beach by the sea-side."
As 'twas not far, he led them to't,
And kick'd the skull up with his foot,
When a sharp bone pierc'd through his shoe, 780
And wounded grievously his toe,
Which mortify'd: so he was kill'd,
And the hag's prophecy fulfill'd.
See there his cross-legg'd figure laid,
And near his feet the horse's head![12] 785

The tomb[13] is of too old a fashion
To tally well with this narration;
But of the truth we would not doubt,
Nor put our _Cicerone_ out:
It gives a moral hint at least, 790
That gratitude's due to a beast.
So far it's good, whoever made it,
And that it may not fail of credit,
A horsehead vane adorns the steeple,
And it's _Horse-church_ call'd by the people. 795

Our shirts dry'd at _The George_ we get,
We dine there, and till four we sit;
And now in earnest think of home:
So to _Sheerness_ again we come.
Where for a bum-boat we agree, 800
And about five put off to sea.
We presently were under sail,
The tide our friend, south-east the gale,
Quite wind enough, and some to spare,
But we to that accustom'd were. 805

When we had now got past _The Nore_,
And lost the sight of _Shepey's_ shore,
The ebbing tide of _Thames_ we met,
The wind against it fiercely set!
This made a short and tumbling sea, 810
And finely toss'd indeed were we.

The porpoises in stormy weather
Are often seen in shoals together;
About us while they roll and play,
One in his gambols miss'd his way, 815
And threw himself so far on shore,
We thought he would get off no more;
But with great struggling and some pain,
He did, and went to play again.
On this we moralising say, 820
"How thoughtless is the love of play!"
When we ourselves with sorrow find
Our pleasures too with pain conjoin'd.
For troubles croud upon us thick;
Our hero, _Scott_, grows very sick; 825
Poor _Hogarth_ makes wry faces too
(Worse faces than he ever drew).
You'll guess what were the consequences,
Not overpleasing to our senses;
And this misfortune was augmented 830
By Master _Tothall's_ being acquainted
With the commander of a sloop,
At _Holy Haven_ near _The Hope_.
"There's Captain _Robinson_," says he,
"A friend, whom I must call and see." 835
Up the ship's side he nimbly goes,
While we lay overwhelm'd with woes
Sick, and of winds and waves the sport.
But then he made his visit short,
And when a sup of punch he'd got, 840
Some lighted match to us he brought,
A sovereign cordial this, no doubt,
To men whose pipes had long been out.

By seven o'clock our sick recover,
And all are glad this trouble's over. 845
Now jovially we sail along,
Our cockswain giving song for song.
But soon our notes are chang'd; we found
Our boat was on _Bly-sand_ aground,
Just in the middle of the river; 850
Here _Tothall_ shew'd himself quite clever:
And, knowing we must else abide
Till lifted by the flowing tide,
Work'd with our skippers, till the boat
Was once more happily afloat. 855
We all applaud his care and skill,
So do the boatmen his good-will.

Ere long the tide made upward, so
With that before the wind we go,
And, disembarking about ten, 860
Our _Gravesend_ quarters reach again.

Here Madam, smiling, comes to tell
How glad she is to see us well:
This kind reception we commended,
And now thought all our troubles ended; 865
But, when for what we want we call,
Something unlucky did befall.

When we our travels first began
_Scott_ (who's a very prudent man)
Thought a great coat could do no harm, 870
And in the boat might keep him warm;
So far perhaps you think him right,
As we took water in the night:
But when from hence we took our way
On foot, the latter end of _May_, 875
He, quite as reasonably, thought
'Twould be too heavy or too hot:
"I'll leave it here," says he, "and take
It with me at our coming back."
And he most certainly design'd it: 880
But now the thing was, how to find it?

We told him, he had been mistaken,
And did without his hostess reckon.
To him it was no jest; he swore
"He left it there three days before, 885
This Mrs. _Bramble_ can't deny."
"Sir, we shall find it by and by:"
So out she goes, and rends her throat
With "_Moll_, go find the gem'man's coat."
The house _Moll_ searches round and round, 890
At last, with much ado, 'twas found--
'Twas found, that, to the owner's cost,
Or _Scott's_, the borrow'd coat was lost.
"Coat lost!" says he, stamping and staring,
Then stood like dumb, then fell to swearing: 895
He curs'd the ill-concluding ramble,
He curs'd _Gravesend_ and mother _Bramble_.

But, while his rage he thus express'd,
And we his anger made our jest,
Till wrath had almost got the upper- 900
hand of his reason, in came supper:
To this at once his stomach turn'd,
No longer it with fury burn'd,
But hunger took the place of rage,
And a good meal did both assuage. 905
He eat and drank, he drank and eat,
The wine commended, and the meat:
So we did all, and sat so late,
That _Wednesday_ morn we lay till eight.
Tobacco then, and wine provide, 910
Enough to serve us for this tide.
Get breakfast, and our reckoning pay,
And next prepare for _London_ hey;
So, hiring to ourselves a wherry,
We put off, all alive and merry. 915

The tide was strong, fair was the wind,
_Gravesend_ is soon left far behind,
Under the tilt on straw we lay,
Observing what a charming day,
There stretch'd at ease we smoke and drink, 920
_Londoners_ like, and now we think
Our cross adventures all are past,
And that at _Gravesend_ was the last:
But cruel Fate to that says no;
One yet shall Fortune find his foe. 925

While we (with various prospects cloy'd)
In clouds of smoke ourselves enjoy'd,
More diligent and curious, _Scott_
Into the forecastle had got,
And took his papers out, to draw 930
Some ships which right ahead he saw.
There sat he, on his work intent,
When, to increase our merriment,
So luckily we shipp'd a sea,
That he got sous'd, and only he. 935
This bringing to his mind a thought
How much he wanted the great coat,
Renew'd his anger and his grief;
He curs'd _Gravesend_, the coat, and thief;
And, still to heighten his regret, 940
His shirt was in his breeches wet:
He draws it out, and lets it fly,
Like a _French_ ensign, till 'tis dry,
Then, creeping into shelter safe,
Joins with the company and laugh. 945
Nothing more happen'd worthy note:

At _Billingsgate_ we change our boat,
And in another through bridge get,
By two, to Stairs of _Somerset_,
Welcome each other to the shore, 950
To _Convent Garden_ walk once more,
And, as from _Bedford Arms_ we started,
There wet our whistles ere we parted.

With pleasure I observe, none idle
Were in our travels, or employ'd ill, 955
_Tottall_, our treasurer, was just,
And worthily discharg'd his trust;
(We all sign'd his accounts as fair):
_Sam Scott_ and _Hogarth_, for their share,
The prospects of the sea and land did; 960
As _Thornhill_ of our tour the plan did;
And _Forrest_ wrote this true relation
Of our five days peregrination.

This to attest, our names we've wrote all,
Viz. _Thornhill, Hogarth, Scott_, and _Tothall_. 965

[1] This drawing unluckily has not been preserved.

[2] _The Royal Sovereign_ and _Marlborough_.

[3] Drawing II.

[4] Drawing III. The Castle by _Hogarth_; and some Shipping, riding near it, by _Scott_.

[5] Drawing IV.

[6] Drawing V.

[7] Drawing VI.

[8] Drawing VI.

[9] Drawing VII. by _Scott_.

[10] Drawing VIII. by _Hogarth_.

[11] This story is quoted by Mr. _Grose_ in his Antiquities, Vol. II. art. _Minster Monastery_. "The legend," says Mr. _Grose_, "has, by a worthy friend of mine, been hitched into doggrel rhyme. It would be paying the reader but a bad compliment to attempt seriously to examine the credibility of the story."

[12] Drawing VIII.

[13] A cross-legg'd figure in armour, with a shield over his left arm, like that of a Knight Templar, said to represent Sir _Robert de Shurland_, who by _Edward_ I. was created a Knight banneret for his gallant behaviour at the siege of _Carlaverock_ in _Scotland_. He lies under a _Gothic_ arch in the south-wall, having an armed page at his feet, and on his right side the head of a horse emerging out of the waves of the sea, as in the action of swimming. GROSE.

* * * * *

WILLIAM TOTHALL'S Account of Disbursements
for Messieurs _Hogarth_ and Co. viz.

1732,
_May_ £. s. d.

27. To paid at the Dark-house, _Billingsgate_, 0 0 8½
To paid for a pint of Geneva _Hollands_, 0 1 0
To paid waterman to _Gravesend_, 0 5 0
To paid barber ditto, 0 0 10
To paid for breakfast at ditto, 0 2 2
To paid for beer on the road to _Rochester_, 0 0 9
To paid for shrimps at _Chatham_, 0 0 9
To paid at the gunnery and dock, 0 1 6
To paid bill at _Rochester_, 1 7 3

28. To gave at _Upnor_ for information, 0 0 3
To paid at the Smack at ditto, 0 4 3
To paid at _Hoo_, 0 1 8
To paid at _Stoke_, 0 11 6

29. To paid at Mother _Hubbard's_ at _Grain_, 0 3 0
To paid for passage over to _Sheerness_, 0 2 10
To paid for lobsters at _Queenborough_, 0 1 6
To paid for two pots of beer to treat the sexton, 0 0 6
To paid for dinner, &c. 0 6 6
To charity, gave the sailors, 0 1 0

30. To paid for lodgings and maid, 0 4 6
To paid for breakfast, 0 2 6
To paid for washing shirts, 0 1 8
To paid at _Minster_, 0 9 2
To paid at _Sheerness_, 0 1 3
To paid for a boat to _Gravesend_, 0 7 0

31. To paid barber at ditto, 0 1 2
To paid for sundry at ditto, 1 0 3½
To paid for passage to _Somerset-house_, 0 5 6

£.6 6 0

Vouchers produced, examined, and allowed,

Per E. FORREST, SAM. SCOTT, W. HOGARTH, JOHN THORNHILL.

GENERAL INDEX TO HOGARTH'S PLATES.

A.
**_ÆNEAS_ in a Storm
Agriculture and Arts
Altar-piece, _St. Clement's_
Analysis of Beauty
_Apuleius_
Arms, &c

B.
Battle of the Pictures
_Beaver's_ Military Punishments
_Beer-Street_
Before and After
*Beggar's Opera
Bench
**_Blackwell's_ Figures
_Booth, Wilks_, and _Cibber_
_Boyne_, Lord Viscount
Boys peeping at Nature
**Broad Bottoms
*_Bullock, William_
Burial Ticket
_Burlington_ Gate
_Butler_
_Byron_, Lady _Frances_

C.
**Cartoons, Heads from
_Cassandra_
Catalogue, Frontispiece and Tail-piece to
Characters, and Caricaturas
_Charlemont_, Earl of
Charmers of the Age
Christ and his Disciples, &c.
large
Christ, &c. small
--with _London_ Hospital
_Churchill, Charles_
--with Political Print
Cockpit
_Columbus_
Concert, _St. Mary's_ Chapel
Consultation of Physicians
_Coram_, Captain
**Cottage
Credulity, &c
Crowns, &c. Subscription Ticket
for Elections

D.
Debates on Palmistry
*Discovery
Distressed Poet
Don _Quixote_

E.
Elections
Enraged Musician
*Eta Beta Pi, _Title-page_

F.
Fair [_Southwark_, not _Bartholomew_ as Mr. _Walpole_ describes it]
Farmer's Return
**_Farinelli, Cuzzoni,_ and _Senesino_, &c.
Festoon, &c. Subscription Ticket
for _Richard_ III.
_Fielding, Henry_
_Finchley_, March to
Fishes for Cards
_Folkes, Martin_
_Foundling Hospital_, Power of Attorney
*--Arms of
*--First Sketch for
Four Parts of the Day
_France_ and _England_
Frontispiece to _Leveridge's_ Songs

G.
_Garrick_ in _Richard_ III.
Gate of _Calais_
_Gibbs, James_
*--octagon
_Gin Lane_
*Gin drinkers
Good _Samaritan_
_Gormagons_
**Great Seal of _England_
_Gulliver_ presented to the Queen of _Babilary_

H.
*Half-starved Boy
Harlot's Progress
Head, etched by _Livesay_
*Hell-gate
_Henley_, Orator, christening, &c.
_Henry_ VIII. and _Anna Bullen_
*_Herring_, Archbp. small
--large
*_Hesiod_
*_Highland_ Fair, or _Scots Opera_
_Hoadly_, large
--small
_Hogarth, William_, Engraver, Shop-Bill
--with Dog
**--small circle
--Serjeant Painter
--Black Mask
--with Hat on
_Hogarth's_ Tour
*--Crestx
--Cypher
_Holland_, Lord
_Hudibras_, large
--small
_Huggins, William_
Humours of _Oxford_
_Hunt, Gabriel_
_Hutchinsonians_, Frontispiece to Pamphlet against
*_Hymen_ and _Cupid_, Ticket for _Sigismunda_

I.
Jacobites Journalx
Industry and Idleness
_Judith_ and _Holofernes_
_Judith_, Rehearsal, Ticket for

K.
_Kirby's_ Perspective

L.
Landscape
Laughing Audience
Lecture
**Living Dogx
_Lock, Daniel_
*_London_ Infirmary
Lottery
_Lovat_, Lord

M.
_Malcolm, Sarah_
**_Malta_, Scene by a Knight of
Marriage Alamode
Masquerades, &c. small
Masquerade, large
**Master of the Vineyard
_Milton_
_Milward's_ Ticket
Midnight Modern Conversation
*_Moliere_, Frontispieces to
*_Moses_ and _Pharaoh's_ daughter
_Morell_, Dr.
_Motraye's_ Travels
Five _Muscovites_
Music introduced _to Apollo_

N.
**North and South

O.
*Oratory

P.
*_Palmer, John_
_Paul_, &c. burlesqued
_Paul_ before _Felix_
--as first designed
Perriwigs, Five Orders of
*_Pellet_, Dr.
_Perseus_ and _Medusa_
_Perseus_ descending
_Pine_
Political Clyster
*Politician
Pool of _Bethesda_, small
--large
**_Pug_ the Painter

R.
Rabbit-breeder
Rake's Progress
*_Ranby's_ House
Rape of the Lock
_Read, Benjamin_
*_Rich's_ Glory
Royalty, Episcopacy, and Law

S.
_Sancho_
Search-night
Shop-bills, &c.
Shrimp-Girl
Sleeping Congregation
_Solfull_
_South Sea_
_Spiller's_ Ticket
Stage Coach
Stages of Cruelty
Stand of Arms, &c. Subscription Ticket for _Finchley_
Stay-maker
Strolling Actresses

T.
Tail-piece to his Works
*Tankard
Taste in High Life
_Taylor, George_, Two Sketches for his Monument
_Taylor's_ Perspective
_Terræ Filius_
Ticket Porter
Time blackening a Picture, Subscription Ticket for _Sigismunda_
The Times
_Tom Thumb_
_Tristram Shandy_, vol. I.
--vol. II.
**Two Figures

W.
Weighing House
_Wilkes, John_
Woman swearing a Child, &c.

The articles marked thus * are omitted in Mr. _Walpole's_ Catalogue.

Those marked ** are likewise omitted by Mr. _Walpole_; but it must be acknowledged they are of doubtful authority, though introduced on the faith of the following collectors and artists:

_Hogarth_, small circle, Mr. _Basire_.

_Æneas_ in a storm, Dr. _Ducarel_.

Beggar's Opera, Dr. _Lort_.

_Blackwell's_ Figures,
Cottage,
Master of the Vineyard Mr. _Ireland_.

_Pug_ the Painter,
_Farinelli, Cuzzoni,_
and _Heidegger,_
Gin-drinkers, Mr. _Rogers_.

Cartoons, Heads,
from Two Figures Mr. _Livesay_.

Oratory,
Malta, Scene, &c. Mr. _Nichols_.

_Bullock_,
_Butler_,
_Pellet_,
North and South, Mr. _Thane_.

FINIS.

NEW BOOKS published by J. NICHOLS.