Chapter VII: Letter XVIII: Arthur Howard to Charles Falkland (1)

My dear Falkland,

I commence my Killarney _advices_ on the first evening of my arrival there, or I should despair of sending you the promised packet on my return to Glenalta. We reached our inn in gay spirits, having come over bad and good roads alternately, and through a barren wild looking country; but a party, composed of such agreeable ingredients, and affording so much variety as ours did, is very independent of external scenery. If beautiful, it affords an additional source of pleasure, and _one_ topic more for occasional comment; if otherwise, one can _do without_ it: the latter was our case. Having once exclaimed, How desolate! we thought no more about the grievance of an ugly country, but laughed and talked, exchanged places--some riding, some driving, till we found ourselves at our journey's end, after performing five-and-thirty miles without any misadventure. Mr. Otway had written on before to provide "entertainment for man and horse;" so when we arrived we had the satisfaction of finding ourselves _expected_, which makes a _difference_ everywhere, but particularly in a situation which cannot afford to relax in a single instance the discipline which keeps up some appearance of order and cleanliness; however, I do not mean to throw aspersions on our _hotelerie_, and am not one of those who consider it fair to abuse unmercifully whatever we find near home, while with something _more_ than philosophy, we _revel_ in the _desagrémens_ of foreign countries, preferring dirt and inconvenience abroad to all the luxuries of _comfortable_ England.

In ten minutes after our arrival we were assailed by all sorts of people; boatmen wishing to engage our large party, musicians desirous of attending us on the lakes, beggars hoping to receive charity, with sundry applicants bringing boxes made of the red deer-hoofs, which are very neatly manufactured here, and various cups, goblets, and other utensils formed from the arbutus, which grows at this place in lavish profusion; all anxious to sell their wares, and all clamorous to recommend them.

Mr. Otway, who knows the genius of the place, and is well known here and loved everywhere, undertook to direct our operations; and, singling out a remarkably fine looking man from the rough personages by whom we were surrounded, addressed him by the name of M'Carty More, and ordered him to be ready with all possible punctuality and accommodation at seven o'clock on the following day at Ross Castle, where we were to embark. The workers in red deer-hoofs and arbutus, were ordered to bring large supplies of the toys in which they dealt on the day preceding our departure, and the beggars were dispersed with a promise that they should have _a scramble_ when we were going away, for which these ill-fed, worse clothed, cheerful, and easily-satisfied beings, were as grateful as if every want had been supplied at the present and prevented for the future.

After this _clearance_, we sat down to a repast rendered delightful by companionship, had it been less intrinsically excellent; but Killarney salmon ought to have a place in my journal, and should be farther noticed _here_, were it not not to figure on the scene again. After dinner we walked to Lord Kenmare's, and amused ourselves in his demesne, during two or three hours, my aunt having insisted on our leaving her at the inn, as she complained of being fatigued; and those who were best acquainted with all her feelings, suspecting that to be left _alone_ would soothe them, no offer was made to remain with her by any of the group.

On our return to the inn, we were surprised to find an elderly gentleman sitting with her, who proved to be old Bentley, and never did I see more evident annoyance expressed in a countenance, than was depicted in the nephew's at sight of his uncle. They met, however, with cordiality _too_, but the younger of them, though singularly unexcitable in general, changed colour upon the present occasion, and appeared suddenly cast down by this accession to our party: however, we were sufficiently numerous to prevent any _downright_ awkwardness, whatever might be the existing cause of young Bentley's uneasy sensations; and his uncle explained his sudden appearance by telling us, that having reached his home too late on the preceding evening to disturb the families at Glenalta and Lisfarne, he delayed announcing his return till the following day, when, having learned our _elopement_, he resolved on not being left behind.

You may fancy us rather closely packed in our _dormitories_: Russell, Annesley, and I, were crammed into a hole just large enough to hold three small camp-beds, no bigger than births on board a Holyhead packet: we could neither toss nor tumble, for the best possible reason, we had not _room_ for such indications of restlessness; but we lay quietly as sleeplessly we "chewed the cud of sweet and bitter fancy" upon all that we had seen and heard in company with each other since the "_English foreigners_," as old Lawrence calls them, had been at Glenalta. In the pauses which will occur, even in the best supported colloquy, sundry sighs, which had not quite so far to travel as from "Indus to the Pole," were borne right into my bed by the _impetus_ with which they were sent from Russell's, and a certain melancholy expression, which even a sigh can convey to a _finely constructed_ ear, convinced me that my friend had lost his heart, or at least _mislaid_ it since he came amongst us. While exercising my ingenuity a little farther, to determine the person who had committed grand larceny on his affections, a few notes whistled from time to time, _sotto voce_, assured me that Charlotte was the thief, and that her Irish melodies lived in the memory of my poor _chum_. Annesley is such a sensitive fellow, that if his heart is anything the worse for the wear since he came to Ireland, I have it to discover; but from the specimen which I have given above, I flatter myself that you have already decreed my sagacity to be worthy of apotheosis, even amongst the North American Indians.

This Killarney will be a good test, I think, of our amatory tendencies, and a romance _a-piece_ must be the result of such "means and appliances" as a glance from Lord Kenmare's park, across the lower Lake, promise for our _coup d'essai_ on the morrow. Mine is rather a situation of responsibility, for, in addition to my _own_ loves, should these bowers inspire the tender passion, I feel a God-fatherly sort of security called for on my part, that the new guests shall conduct themselves so as to return well pleased, and pleasing, to the last. In short, though, like Mrs. Gilpin we are "on pleasure bent," it must be to resemble her discretion also, "with a prudent mind," and I clearly perceive that I shall have to enact the part of a male _duenna_.

The appointed hour found all ready, and M'Carty More, that noble _savage_ before-mentioned, who claims to be king of the boatmen, was the first object that we beheld on issuing from our _malapardis_. This man is quite a character, and so strikingly fine a specimen of rude, but manly beauty, that were he a little less weather-beaten, he might stand for a Hercules to Canova, were he alive again, or to Chauntry. His _calling_ renders him quite familiar with his superiors, and he takes the command of his party as a pilot does of the ship, _pro tempore_. Mrs. Fitzroy, whose animation is very inspiriting, and whose enthusiasm I told you in a former despatch is glowing for the Irish character, chose him for her _Cicerone_, and, taking him by the arm, led the van towards the scene of embarkation.

If you wish to know, as that mad-cap Melville used to say, "who and who were together," you may _enfilade_ us as follows. Next to M'Carty More and Mrs. Fitzroy marched my aunt, leaning on the arm of Frederick, who, I believe, in the midst of all the beauty that Circassia could boast, and all the fashion that London and Paris exhibit, would still be found his mother's prop: on her left side Bentley the elder with his hands tight in his breeches pockets, as though he feared that their contents were going to fly away, _paddled_ along, with unequal steps. Mr. Otway took charge of Emily; and I observed that a simultaneous movement of that slow and fearful nature that scarcely indicates design, incited at the same identical moment Bentley the younger and Annesley to wish that the disengaged hand of my cousin were safely lodged under the protective care of a right arm belonging to them, though neither had courage to step forward and offer himself as a candidate for the honour to which both aspired. Moreover I made a second observation; and though these sapient remarks were formed _in transitu_ from the threshhold of the inn to the street, I'll be sworn that I am right. "But what was your second observation?" quoth you. Why, it was, that the _mauvaise honte_ which prevented our rival _beaux_ from interfering with Mr. Otway's exclusive possession of the fair one's attention, arose from different causes, and produced different effects in the minds of the disappointed knights. Annesley's timidity lay in his breast, where, if he has made the confession to himself, he has truly said that Emily's is the character, of all he has ever seen, which comes nearest to his abstract of perfection in woman. On this _beau idéal_ I have heard him dilate, and thus far can decide upon his feelings. _He_ then was moved by an incipient desire to improve acquaintance, and secure a sort of prescriptive right to be Emily's _particular_ in our wanderings by "wood and lake;" but the thought, though proceeding from preference established since the day of his arrival, was an _impromptu_ of the instant in its present shape, and the reality of the sentiment which gave birth to the wish, confounded its ready expression; whereas in Bentley's manner I could trace more of the guardian than the lover; he was less anxious to appropriate Emily's society exclusively to himself, than to prevent its being appropriated by another, and this again was less dictated by a jealous or churlish feeling, than by a strictness of opinion on the subject of a young lady's walking arm-in-arm with a stranger. All this I read at a glance, and perhaps you will tell me that such profound skill in what the French call _le metaphysique de l'amour_, could only be learnt in Cupid's court; but the fact is, that I am _only_ in love with the entire family, and therefore safe for the _present_, at least, from the imputation of having been a _booby_ till the blind god had sharpened my penetration.

Charlotte and Fanny were hooked upon my arms; Russell keeping a steady eye upon the former's left side, which he contrived to secure as soon as we had cleared the door; and our brace of _shy_ youths were presently resolved into _unattached flankers_, who changed sides, fell back, or pushed forward, as pigs, dogs, children, &c. interrupted our progress to the water's edge. At length we were seated in our barge, and Cleopatra on the silver Cydnus could never have swung the oar more gallantly than we did from Ross Castle. I shall not favour you with the history of tenfold reverberations, which you will hear when you visit this scene of enchantment; nor shall I think it necessary to give you such details as if I were going to raise the wind in these book-making days by publishing, "A Companion to the Lakes of Killarney," but hastening to our first _stop_, land you on the exquisite island of Innisfallen, where we lingered for hours, unable to tear ourselves from its tiny shores, every little pebbled indenture of which might represent that where Ellen is described by the northern bard to have landed from her skiff in Loch Cattrine.

This Killarney is a centre of legendary lore, and the lovely islet on which we first touched _terra firma_ from our boat, was the depository of those annals which bear its name. Domine, who did not appear in our procession from the inn, because he had walked alone to the castle that he might try the echo at his leisure before we came up, told us a thousand interesting particulars of this spot, and entertained us with various stories, rich in fabulous, as well as real events, of the olden time. Why does not that wizard Scott, draw from a source so worthy of his magic pen? He has been here, but passed, I am told, through Ireland gnerally with such rapidity, that his carriage wheels hardly seemed to come in contact with the earth. Positively, unless he can endure it to be thought that with a few lithographic sketches in his hand, he skimmed over the country, contracting for views _as per sample_, like a corn merchant bargaining to replenish his stores, the author of Waverly _must_ shew signs of having visited this little focus of imagery by dressing one of his matchless casts in the drapery with which Killarney could furnish his splendid powers of tasteful decoration.

Will that genius, who can transform into gems the commonest minerals produced in a desert, and give with African prodigality, the purest gold in return for rusty nails, and beads of glass; will _he_ permit Erin to draw the ungracious inference from his silence, that she could supply _no_ materials for his laboratory? and while so many immortal records of Scotland's fame and England's glory, have been charmed from their dark retreats by his necromantic spells, shall Ireland, the fertile Isle of Emerald glow,--the island of saints,--the land of heroes,--the fane of learning, piety, and music,--be left to rest on the divided property in Fingal for all poetical memorial of her traditional celebrity? Forbid it justice! forbid it gratitude! Let not a people who have so liberally bestowed their praise on those numbers in which their neighbours have been so sweetly harmonized, remain themselves unsung!

Some of our party eloquently urging the claims of Hibernia to a niche in the temple of Apollo, Russell, addressing himself to Mr. Oliphant, said, "I hope that you will not mistake my object in asking you a question which I have often heard triumphantly asked, and never answered, namely, if Ireland was really, at a former peroid distinguished as a seat of learning, virtue, and genius, where are her credentials? What is become of her buildings? Where are her documents of proof to support these fond pretensions? Now I echo this inquiry not in the spirit of a sceptic, but because I can never in future listen to such interrogatories with the phlegm of indifference, and I wish to be provided with an argument to rebut the conclusion which is frequently drawn from silence on this subject."

"Indeed, my dear sir," answered Mr. Oliphant, "I have always thought the question very irrelevant, and the triumph very unfair. If we boasted that Ireland had produced the finest architects in the world, we might be desired to shew the monuments of their skill. If we arrogated the fame of wealth, we might be challenged to point out the palaces in which the splendid of past days had held their revels; but we lay claim to none of these things. Our pride consists in having been a learned and pious people. Now piety and scholarship are not so often allied to worldly distinction in _this_ age of mankind, that we should associate them in a _past_ time through any existing analogy. That Ireland was resorted to for education; that she produced men remarkable for knowledge and virtues; that her _magi_ were held in repute and invited into other countries, to impart the treasures of superior light; that her ambassadors took precedence upon different occasions, of those sent by the sister kingdom, to continental courts and councils, are matters of historical record which we have no right to contradict, unless we can prove their falsehood; and as to the remnants of antiquity, which are insisted upon, we may collect ample testimony to evince a high state of former cultivation, if we make due allowance for poverty, subsequent civil wars, and the dilapidating influence of a damp climate. The language of Ireland bears evidence of ancient date. Every letter in the alphabet is in itself _the name of a tree_, which leads to the inference of originality in its design. The round towers of this country, many of which are in the highest state of preservation, baffle the utmost skill in research to account for their purpose, and determine their age. Of one thing only are we certain, and that is, of their great duration, and that, as far as present information extends upon the subject, Persia is the only country, besides Ireland, where buildings of this remarkable structure have been found. Our Druidical remains are in fine preservation, in various parts of the island. The names of several of our elevated promontories, with other circumstances, mark the fire-worship of eastern usage to have prevailed here. In many parts of the kingdom, ornaments in gold and silver have been discovered, of the purest metal, and most elaborate workmanship. I have seen some lately that were dug up in the neighbourhood of Dublin, which, for beauty in execution and elegance of device, may vie with any modern manufacture, and which, likewise, are identified with eastern fashion, as the decorations to which I allude were exactly similar to the Indian bangles, and must have been employed as such, to deck the ancles of the wearer. In our search after mines, we have come upon ancient excavations, and often found tools of brass which bore testimony to the former working in different places, and at a period so remote that the instruments used for the purpose are formed of a material, and exhibit shapes totally unlike any of our modern implements. In this very county are to be found curious remains of two spacious amphitheatres which, if discovered in any other country of the earth, would excite the liveliest competition of industry to explain; but because these things are discovered in Ireland instead of Tartary or Siberia, ridicule and contempt are their portion. However, as the one flows from ignorance, and the other from coldheartedness or jealousy, and neither affords demonstration, we may hope that they will cease, and that a land, too fertile of soil, too rich in the finest harbours in Europe, to have been overlooked in early times, will regain her character which has been lost through the misfortunes of her history. You must bear in mind that in the very remote periods of which our accounts are scanty and imperfect, the religion of this country was not Roman Catholic. It was a much purer faith, and free altogether from those superstitions which now disfigure the Popish ritual. The poor Waldenses in their vallies of Piedmont, though they have lost much of their original simplicity in a necessary communion from time to time with the Protestants of Geneva, still preserve, I believe the nearest approach of any mode of worship extant, to what _was_ our creed about the time of Saint Patrick, whose _purgatory_ was instituted many centuries after his death. In _those_ days then, the magnificent piles which owe their existence to the zeal of papal devotion, would not have been erected here, whatever might have been the pecuniary abundance of the people; and at a later time, when abuses crept in, and the pure faith was exchanged for that inconsistent mass of human invention appended by bigotry and avarice to gospel truth, Ireland was too poor, and too savage a nation, to raise such mighty altars as bear witness to the former wealth and glory of your beautiful England.

"_Some_ remnants we do possess of ancient grandeur, and we can still shew you specimens both of Saxon and Gothic architecture, which are worthy of your highest admiration, though they not numerous, I confess.

"Lord Elgin has transplanted much of the Athenian Parthenon into the heart of London; what he left, is daily suffering deterioration, and diminution. If the pride of Greece, the classic, the inimitable Athens, should vanish, and, like the Golgotha of Troy, only exhibit the _place_ where once stood in unrivalled grace and splendor, would you not still declare that her temples and her statues, though crumbling in the dust, proclaim that Pericles and Phidias _once_ had being.

"If but a single column of the once astonishing Pæstum now survived the decay of time and the barbarism of man, would you suffer incredulity to take her stand amid the ruins, and fulminate her tasteless anathemas from the very scene of whilom greatness? _We_ only crave a measure of the same candour which you liberally employ on other occasions. Let our round towers and cromlechs, our castles and abbeys, be allowed in evidence of our not being a nation just sprung from the sea; and suffer our annals and chronicles to be received in testimony of our having sent forth pious and learned men, when less favoured countries sought our assistance. Come now, and I will shew you a fine Saxon arch in this wee island."

As we moved on towards the ruin, we found some of our party gazing on the lake below, from a little rocky eminence on which they were seated, and here we caught Mrs. Fitzroy and old Bentley in furious debate. He is an odd sort of _restive_ old fellow; sharp, clear sighted, and very bitter in his remarks; but withal good-natured, and, though rough, by no means implacable. Mrs. Fitzroy had been, I suppose, expressing some sentiment in favour of the Irish peasantry, perhaps in praise of the Herculean M'Carty; for just as we reached the spot where the antagonists were contending, Bentley exclaimed with stentorian vehemence, "Madam, I tell you that they are rascals, one and all. It is a mere fiction to talk of the Irish as you do. I know them better. They are a cringing lying race; and as to your admired M'Carty More, he is a drunken dissolute dog; and you spoil him by letting him prate for your diversion."

"Upon my word, Mr. Bentley," answered his adversary, "your abuse is wholesale, and spreads over too large a surface to cut deeply. I do not agree with you; and I repeat, that such is my preference for the people of this country, that I shall beg my friends Mrs. Douglas and Mr. Otway to be on the look out for a cottage to suit me in their vicinity at Glenalta."

"No, no, madam, you will do no such thing," retorted the cynic; "you are acting more wisely. Believe me, that the most knowing people are those who _travel about, if society be their object_. By change of place, you come in for the best of every stage at which you halt. You skim the cream as it were, and ought never to rest long enough any where to alter your opinions of people, very few of whom, be assured, will stand the test of intimacy. There is nothing truer than that Alexander was no hero to his valet-de-chambre, and the maxim applies as forcibly to nations as to individuals. You will tire of us, if you know us better, and look back upon your present judgment as mere poetry. Every oyster is made up of the fish and its shells. Swallow the one and get rid of the others as fast as you can: they are not worth keeping, and you will do well to throw them away."

"Not with _my_ charitable feelings," said Mrs. Fitzroy, "pounded oyster shells are a fine corrective of acid. I would reserve them for the good of all who require alteratives, and you should have a Benjamin's dose."

Old Bentley is a merry wight, with all his acerbity, and as this _hit_ was made with perfect good-humour, and a playful countenance, it had a happy effect, and seemed to raise his estimation of the powers of mind opposed to him.

"Madam," answered he, "I thank you for your desire to make me better, though your _sweetners_ should not succeed. I pique myself on seeing things as they _are_, and set my face always steadily against every species of romance."

In so saying, he gave a consequential _hem_, and turned his eyes towards "poor George," his nephew, whose nerves are, luckily for himself, not externally perturbable, and though I am certain he _felt_ that "more was meant than met the ear," he continued, as calmly as possible, to converse with my aunt, whom he had engaged in a _tête-à-tête_.

We were now reminded by M'Carthy More that Innisfallen was only the beginning, not the end of our progress; and, regaining our barge, we were again embarked. This may be a proper place to tell you, lest I should forget it here-after, that to prevent any unavailing efforts on your part at tracing the pedigree of so great a personage as the said King of our Killarney lake-men, the word _More_, which appears like a sirname, is in reality the Irish for _Great_, as _Beg_ is for _Little_: so that M'Carthy More means the great or chief M'Carthy.

We now bent our course towards Glena. If you were not coming one of these days to see with your own eyes, and hear with your own ears, the wonders of this little elysium, I should send you my journal at once, where almost every tree is registered as if I were an Irish tenant, and had planted them myself; but of description you will not have much in my letter, or it would swell to a volume; and, as it is, you would be bankrupt, were it not for your good luck, which again presents a private opportunity of sending a packet to you.

At Glena we landed, and here the arbutus arrested our steps, and fixed the party for some time in amazement at its quantity and size. Here too, our _Monarch_ informed us that we should fish for our dinner, inviting us to watch the process of drawing a net. Broken into groups, we seated ourselves along the margin of the lake, and I for one could have believed myself translated into some happier region, _at least_ intermediate between heaven and earth. As I muttered something to this effect, I heard a sound behind me resembling the growl of a dog who is not quite sure whether he should bark or not. I turned round, and beheld old Bentley at my heels; and this movement had the effect which it would have operated on one of the canine species in giving voice to the _grumble_.

"Aye, aye, poetry and sentiment--romance and delusion! But yours, Mr. Howard, is the natural age for all these humbugs. You will come to your senses before your glass runs out, and find that you are mistaken in your views of happiness."

"Well, sir," said I, "it is some comfort that at my time of life you _admit_ of my being deceived into bliss; and as life is short, as well as precarious, it is a great matter to be delighted even with _shadows_. But why do you set your face, Mr. Bentley, against nature, and insist upon forestalling the season of care, and laying burthens of anxiety on shoulders not fitted to the toil of supporting them? The colt in the forest is allowed to range at liberty till his strength is matured, and he can bear the load that is destined for his back. Do you really think that it is right to anticipate evil, and never enjoy present good?"

"No, sir," replied Mr. Bentley; "but a wise man removes the veil from his eyes as soon as possible, and endeavours to see through the mists of folly and prejudice which obscure his horizon. He directs all his energies to the pole star of truth, which will quickly place the things of this world in their just light to his understanding, and teach him that what is called society is a foul cheat; a dishonest compact, by which people agree to jockey each other, and pass, like counterfeit coin, for the things that they are not; assuming manners, professing regard, and displaying dispositions the very opposite of those that are exhibited when the mask is taken off in the privacy of retirement. Then, as to sunshine, and fine scenery, let people enjoy them for the _time_ if they will, but not imagine that a cloudless sky or perennial green would change the heart of man and make him contented. No, sir, independence is the only positive good of merely earthly origin; it gives us the power of being useful to others, and of being disengaged from the trammels of the world ourselves."

"And pray," said Mrs. Fitzroy, who leaned on my right arm, while Emily occupied the left, Mr. Otway and George Bentley bringing up the rear of _our_ division, "are such feelings as you express likely to lead to your conclusion? Will riches be employed for the relief of others who want their aid, by a man who thinks of his fellow-creatures as you do, and looks at creation through a jaundiced medium?"

"Perhaps not always with _intention_, madam," said old _Crabstick_; "but the beauty of money is that it works without impulse, and _must_ do good in spite of its possessor. Even a miser, who expends only enough to preserve life, is hoarding that which, if useless now, will circulate here-after for the benefit of mankind. And this is an extreme case: there are few misers in the community."

"I conclude then," said Mrs. Fitzroy, "that you approve of money matches as they are called, and would not readily forgive a son of yours if you had one, for marrying badly, in a worldly sense?"

"Certainly, madam," answered old Bentley, with great animation, and apparently charmed with having an opportunity in this natural manner of giving out the whole "head and front" of his opinion upon so important a subject, _perhaps_ with a secret view of regulating the conduct of his nephew, "You are perfectly right, very right indeed in your supposition, Mrs. Fitzroy. Money matches are the _only matches_. Money meets money, there is no deception in that sympathy, all else is balderdash; and except in a very few remarkable cases of happy marriage, which like the flowers of the aloë, bloom only once in a hundred years, you may pick out and select with all your care the finest ingredients of learning, taste, accomplishments, and so forth. I give you _carte blanche_ in your choice, but bring them together at the altar, and in a year you will have a dish of _sour crout_ as the result of your compound."

"How _can_ you hold such opinions of your fellow-creatures, Mr. Bentley? It is surely you yourself that convert all mankind into acids, by looking on them. I should be afraid if you walked into my dairy, that the very milk-pans would turn to curds and whey on your entrance," answered Mrs. Fitzroy; "but were the fact really as you describe, I should like, for the sake of curiosity, to hear how you account for this transmuting effect of marriage on the human mind?"

"Why, madam, in various ways. In the principal number of instances, no transmutation at all takes place; the only difference is, that people discover each other's true characters when it is too late to remedy their want of accordance, and then it is much worse to find yourself ill yoked in marriage, than suffering disagreement in any other relation of life. If children live unhappily with parents, there are all the chances of death, matrimony, and profession, for separating the discordant elements. If brothers and sisters quarrel, _they_ too are free to hope at least for better days; and in both these cases the evil in question is not of a man's own contriving. No one feels lessened in his own eyes, however he may be otherwise vexed, if he loses at a game of hazard; but marriage is like chess, if we are _check-mated_ there, it is our own fault, and proves our want of penetration. This, madam, is a grand cause of unhappiness in married life. People cannot forgive themselves for having sacrificed their liberties, and committed _felo de se_ on their own peace. If you are not satisfied with the causes already given, of disunion in this generally luckless bond, I can supply you with fresh impediments to contentment, without going out of my way in search of them. I see people every day whose wits are all laid up in ordinary, like ships of war after a battle, which, when once the conflict is over, are dismantled, and left to their fate. Intellect, madam, which you ladies of the _Blue school_ make such a fuss about, is a pretty toy in the hands and heads of single folk, who turn it to account for pleasure or profit; but in married life, it is not wanted. People who are buckled together, probably know each other's sentiments upon most subjects; and no one would ever be at the trouble of talking upon abstract matters, if the vanity of display, the pride of triumph and the stimulus of novelty, were put out of the question. The world of _fashion_ is not troubled with brains in either _one_ condition or the _other_; and as for your Darbys and Joans, it is far better for them to nod at each other in a couple of arm-chairs in the chimney corner, than debate about morals, manners, or 'the Punic war.' Madam, man is _sui generis_, a pugnacious dogged animal, and requires all the restraints which public opinion imposes, to prevent him from being rude and overbearing. Amongst strangers he _must_ not be so, or if he give way, and outstep the bounds of propriety, he is sure to get a timely rap over the knuckles, which calls him to order; but in his own family he is generally a bear without its muzzle on, and depend upon it, the less _argument_ the better between the sexes, when once they are noosed in the holy bands. They have enough to do to get through the daily affairs of life, without fighting in earnest upon practical subjects; and are foolish if they throw away time in idle skirmishing on theoretical topics. What signifies it to any man, or woman either, whether Newton's _Principia_ be founded, or not, in true philosophy; whether Lock's Essay on the Human Understanding be or be not unanswerable; whether air and water are simples or compounds; whether the earths can be turned into metals, and diamonds be reducible, so as to leave no residuum behind in the crucible. Such points are very useful and interesting to mathematicians, professors of moral philosophy and chemists, but what have lawyers, physicians, officers in the army and navy, merchants, and country gentlemen, to do with these matters at their fire-sides? No, madam, people must, that is, the _major part_ of mankind, must marry, for so it is ordained. The earth must be replenished, and marriage is the nursery to furnish a succession of young plants, as the old ones die down, and return to their dust; but _wise_ people (I grant you that they are few in number), purchase exemption from many of the thorns and vexations of life by the union of well-lined purses. Prudent parents, by insisting on good settlements and suitable _pin-money_ (as a separate income is foolishly called), may secure their daughters against the tyranny of present power, and future extravagance; while a man who marries a good fortune, is enabled to relieve both himself and his wife from the _tedium vitæ_ of each other's society, by keeping a hospitable table at which cheerful company may beguile the monotony of domestic routine."

Mrs. Fitzroy smiled, and said, "Well, at least you are candid enough to throw the principal odium on the male part of creation, and I believe that many women would heartily thank you for the establishment of liberal _pin_ money, which, according to your account, is very _aptly_ named I think, as it is the only arrangement you say, that attaches the parties to each other, and prevents perpetual flying off?"

"Yes, madam, in ninety-nine cases out of every hundred, money is at the _bottom_ of domestic strife. Some women are fools and lavish, others are cunning and narrow-minded; but, almost _all_ men are devoted to the _love of power_, and hate to share the dominion over their coffers. It may perhaps surprise you to hear what I am going to say, coming from the lips of a rough mortal like myself, but I will confess that I have never known any thing approaching to happiness or respectability in married life where, if the woman did not manage all the pecuniary concerns of the family, she had not at least an equal share in them. I have a tolerably bad opinion, generally speaking, of _both_ sexes, but of the _two_, I think yours better than my own. Lord Chesterfield, who saw human nature in its true colours, though he abuses men and women without _parsimony_, still allots something of a better character, because a less selfish one to the ladies, when in his division of mankind, he asserts that "the former are compounded of vanity and avarice; the latter of vanity and love.'"

"I hate these cynics," said Mrs. Fitzroy; "and as to _you_, Mr. Bentley, I feel certain, that some early disappointment in life might tell its tale, and account for your cross-grained notions of the world. Let me hear what Mr. Otway says on this subject."

"My opinions," said the amiable Lord of Lisfarne, so far agree with those of my worthy friend, that I feel the imperfection of my _species_, and have only to turn my thoughts inward to perceive the depravity and weakness of the human heart. Yet in this motley world there is _much_ enjoyment, _much_ rational happiness, if we use with moderation the materials which Providence has bountifully placed within our reach. The fact is, that this scene is _too_ alluring with all its errors and misfortunes; and a far greater share of good might be achieved if we did not mar our own happiness. It has been my lot to see the finest endowments of human character united in the bonds of wedded affection, and I have lived to see such perfect harmony in married life, that I can never charge the preponderance of misery that we daily witness to the state _itself_. On the contrary, were people to employ only as much attention in this most important act of life, as they do in any ordinary traffic, we should not have to deplore the shipwreck of domestic happiness in ninety-nine instances out of every hundred: but I am far from thinking that it requires to be highly gifted to be happy. If the capacity of one vessel be as a pint, that of another as a gallon, and a third as a hogshead, all may be _full_, and none can be _more_ than full. I am of opinion, too, that very unequal measures of intellect may meet both profitably and agreeably in connubial life, though there can be no doubt of the superior charms of such companionship as that to which I first alluded; but it is a singular coincidence, that I should at this moment have a letter in my pocket from a relation of my own, precisely apposite to our present argument, which, if you like, I will read to you."

We had just requested to hear the story, when Frederick came running out of breath, to summon us all to the beach where the nets were drawing. We immediately started up, and hurrying towards the shore, adjourned our debate till after dinner, when _Phil._ engaged to fulfil his promise. Assembled on the edge of the lake, we saw several of the finest salmon I ever beheld, brought to land, and M'Carty More having secured two of the largest, for which he made the bargain himself, he proposed that we should proceed to Dinas Island, where the fish was to be roasted after the manner in which the people here are accustomed to dress it. As we were preparing to go on board the boat, Frederick whispered to me a remark that M'Carty had made, in his untutored phrase, upon Bentley the elder, and Mr. Otway, as he saw them walking forward together.

"There goes a pair that were never made to walk abreast."

"How do you mean?" said Fred.

"Why, sir, that straight and crooked, bitter and sweet, short and long, are fitter for-harness than those two men."

"Describe them M'Carty," answered Fred. "I will then," replied the boatman. "Mr. Otway is just what a _raeal_ gentlemen ought to be, neither too rough nor too smooth. He knows his _distance_ (meaning, I conclude, his station), and never mounts above it, nor falls below it; he is mild and good like a child, though a _raisonable_ man, that has a why for every wherefore; but Mr. Bentley, Sir, never got out of bed in his life, that it was'nt with the left foot foremost, and so every thing goes contrary with him."

How admirable are these rough sketches by ignorant beings of the lowest class! Oh the exquisite beauty of Dinas! but I have made a vow not to entangle you in bowers, nor plunge you in the silver stream. This island is flat, and of much greater extent than Innisfallen; there is a pretty cottage upon it, where preparations were made for our repast by those amphibious animals who live indifferently on land and water, and who were suddenly metamorphosed into cooks, having previously performed the parts of rowers, and next of fishermen. They instantly split the salmon, and having cut some stakes of arbutus, _spitted_ the fish, and fixed it in the ground, then lighting a fire all round, completed the operation with culinary skill, and served up, in process of time, the best dish of fish that I have tasted. This mode of cooking has a peculiar name, and a salmon dressed in the manner that I have mentioned, is said to be _kibbobed_, the term, as Mr. Oliphant informed us, applied to a favourite food in Persia, which is made by splitting and broiling fowls, as the fish was managed here, and in the method to which we gave the name of _spatchcock_--another coincidence between that country and the Island of Saints. When we had finished our rural banquet, and again _filed off into_ detachments, I found myself pursuing a beautiful pathway among the trees, along the border of the Lake, arm-in-arm with Mr. Otway; and, when we had interchanged some remarks on the loveliness of the surrounding scenery, I begged him to give me a key to some of the characters that composed our party.

"Mr. Bentley is a very amusing person to me," said I, "and his _running bass_ of _ill_ humour so _good_ humouredly expressed, forms an anomaly in his manner exceedingly diverting. Mrs. Fitzroy too is very agreeable, and the continual skirmishing sustained with so much spirit on her side, between that lady and Mr. Bentley, is fully as pleasant as "Mathews at Home;" but I am not enough acquainted to understand her completely, and, as for young Bentley, though I _like_ him much, and _esteem_ him more, I am not familiar with his _style_, and wish, of all things, for some light into his history."

"You have set me a task," answered Mr. Otway, "which would require more time to execute than we have at present to spare; but you are perfectly right in your conjecture, that they are all three worth knowing _au fond_ as characters of peculiar though very different construction; and I look upon every one of them as such a well defined specimen of its genus, that were I assorting mankind, as a cutler does knives and scissors, I would stick my three friends on the outside of my parcels, as indexes to the contents within each paper of the several classes to which they belong. Though the lady claims precedence, I will tell you something of my old neighbour to begin with:--Mrs. Fitzroy made a true hit to-day, when she said that she was certain he had been disappointed in early life. It was exactly the case. He began the world with humble expectations, and was intended for the profession of an attorney. Nature had given him a strong and shrewd understanding, set in one of those brazen scabbards that defy the inroads of time and bad weather. He was one of many children, and accustomed, as the sailors say, to _roughing it_, through life. With a body in which _nerves_ were left out, and a mind divested of any troublesome sensibilities, he _tackled_ to his calling, and had not fortune stepped in between him and the necessity of working for his bread, would not only have been one of the most active of the busy fraternity with which he was incorporated, but would also, I believe, have set a praiseworthy example of upright conduct; for I look upon him as a man of incorruptible integrity. He had finished his _noviciate_, and was just embarking in this minor department of the law, with a respectable coadjutor, when he began to think that a partner of the softer sex might be a proper _coping to the wall_ of his destiny; and accordingly he made his proposals to a young lady of some personal attraction, and such a convenient _modicum_ of wealth as, without rendering it presumptuous to approach her, flattered his self-complacency with the prospect of meriting, at least, an _ovation_ for his success. There was no _if_ in the calculation; a doubt never once insinuated itself into his mind; not that he was a conceited or overbearing young man by any means; but his opinions, derived from vulgar sources, were made up in bundles, endorsed, and stowed away in the various compartments of his pericranium, where they were alphabetically arranged like papers in the pigeon-holes of his desk. On looking at number thirteen, letter M, and taking down the packet, he found it docketed 'Marriage;' and on turning a page, the following synopsis of contents may, we suppose, have presented itself to his view:--'Eight and twenty; fair time to look for a wife--marriage, convenient for man--indispensable for woman--idle to marry without money--a profession, may reasonably be reckoned against three or four thousand pounds. Any thing over five feet eight _tells_ in the appearance of a man; figure of more consequence than face, with a man _on his preferment_ as touching the other sex.' It was not needful to seek farther into the documents thus labelled. My worthy friend, perhaps, heaved a natural sigh, as he involuntarily approached his faithful mirror for the purpose of smartening his dress, and read the mortifying sentence of 'hard featured,' which, added to the painful certainty that he wanted two inches of standard measure, might have damped the energies of our would-be Benedick, had it not been that some unseen but friendly spirit so frequently takes compassion on our humiliation, and whispers comfort in extremity. Such consolatory unction was poured into Bentley's bosom in this trying moment. If his optics rested on a snub nose, ferret eyes, and pock-marked cheeks, his good genius breathed into his ear the words 'quick, intelligent, droll;' and when the fidelity of a two-foot rule forced the unwelcome conviction of five feet six as the utmost height to which truth would permit him to aspire, the soothing sounds of 'well-built, compact, genteel,' again fell on his organ of hearing, as if sent from Heaven to encourage his faultering purpose. The toilette ended, Bentley took his well brushed hat, and catching up a slight rattan, which not only gave a finish to that _dapper_ activity on which he meant to rest the character of his appearance, to which _grace_ was unfortunately denied, but was likewise useful in supplying an object _with_ which to twirl away an awkward feeling, should such arise, our hero set out, and walked towards Surgeon Sharp's, with an expression in his gait which, if called upon to translate, you would have interpreted by the words, 'secure, confiding, and self-satisfied.' Alas! what vicissitudes are incident to our mortal career!

"Bentley returned to number one, Mortgage Row, had a rapid vision of his chop-fallen countenance in the large brass plate upon which was engraved 'Deeds, Bentley and Co.;' rushed to his apartment, exchanged his black stock for an easier neck-cloth, and, whistling louder than he had ever been known to do before, took four steps in every stride down stairs, and joined his partner, a keen, sarcastic, but sensible man, from whom I had the greater part of these particulars, at dinner. But, as every man has his evil, as well as his friendly genius, rumour has spread to the winds that poor Bentley's thoughts being unpleasantly occupied, he wished to drown them, and swallowing a more liberal potation than was his ordinary custom, of native spirit, diluted with warm water, and seasoned with lemon and sugar, experience confirmed the proverb of '_in vino veritas_,' the half-muttered sounds of 'rejected addresses,' and stimulated the curiosity of Mr. Jacob Deeds. The distressing confession distilled from Bentley's lips, and so entirely did he lose all prudent controul over his feelings, that the boy who passed to and fro with the dinner apparatus, heard sufficient of his misadventure to make a good foundation, and splicing on from his own invention as much as was requisite to complete the story, he published his master's disgrace with the diligence of a bell-man that evening. When Bentley went to court on the following day, he was attacked on all sides, and to come to the _moral_ of my tale, this _debut_ in _love affairs_ gave the bias which has influenced the life and character of my honest neighbour from seven and twenty to sixty years of age. Had _affection_ been blighted, I could not even _now_ laugh at his expense, but his pride alone was engaged. The prudential aphorisms which he had learned of vulgar parents, had established certain points as fixed principles in his mind, not requiring farther discussion. Amongst these, was the firm belief that no young woman could possibly refuse a tolerable match, and _partiality_ having, perhaps, represented the offer of his own hand as something _beyond_ the average of good luck in the case of Miss Sharp, it was too much for his philosophy to find such a flaw in a theory which might have otherwise lasted to the end of his days, and not only this vexation in the abstract, but the particular sting of furnishing the contradiction in his own person. He began with rage, and finding no balsam in his wrath, he turned on mankind, and revenged, by the poignancy of his satire against the whole species, this fancied wrong inflicted by a single individual. In a short time after, an advertisement appeared in the papers, setting forth the death of a person who possessed considerable property, and who dying intestate, and without any near relations, the next of kin were called upon to declare themselves. At the end of a suit which occupied four or five years, my friend's claim was substantiated, and he was put in peaceable possession. The progress of time, which mellows men and wine, together with the healing which affluence brought to his pride, operated a salutary change, not in kind but degree. His mind had received a bent which no after circumstances of his life had power to alter, but every year has produced a softening effect, and he is now, comparatively, smooth as oil. George, who is the only son of a brother, who died a few years ago, will probably inherit his uncle's estate, if he can submit to the penalty of being guided solely by his advice. Of this I doubt, and, as I have a great regard for the young man, I cannot help watching him with anxiety."