Chapter IV: Act III: Platitudes

[1] Transcriber's Note: All three “Platitudes” printed upside down in original.

VILLAINY

The villainy of a character in the American drama is appraised by an American audience in accordance with the following schedule of black marks:

1. Black moustache | 20 points
|
2. Riding boots | 36 points
|
3. Riding boots and crop | 47 points
|
4. Foreign accent (save Irish) | 29 points
|
5. Top hat | 8 points
|
6. Patent-leather shoes | 8 points
|
7. Long cigarette holder | 4 points
|
8. Well fitting clothes | 52 points
|
9. Sexual virility | 84 points
|
10. Good manners | 76 points
|
11. Inclination to believe that a woman over |
twenty is perfectly able to take care of herself | 91 points
|
12. Inclination to believe that a woman over |
twenty-five is perfectly able to take care of |
herself | 92 points
|
13. Inclination to believe that a woman over thirty is |
perfectly able to take care of herself | 93 points
|
14. Inclination to believe that women between the ages |
of thirty-five and ninety are perfectly able to take |
care of themselves | 94 points
|
15. Inclination to believe that women between the ages |
of twenty and ninety are perfectly able to take care |
of themselves if they want to, but that they usually |
don’t want to | 95 points
|
16. One who believes that when a woman is married she |
does not necessarily because of this fact lose all |
interest in the world | 82 points
|
16a. Or in a good time | 83 points
|
17. Boutonniere | 9 points
|
18. Suspicion on the part of the villain that the hero |
is a blockhead | 98 points
|
19. Verbal statement of the above fact by the villain | 99 points
|
20. Common sense | 100 points

A FRENCH VEST POCKET DICTIONARY

Containing such words and phrases, together with their pronunciation and meaning, as are necessary to the proper and complete understanding of the American “society play” in which they are generally employed.

_Word or Phrase_ | _Pronunciation_ | _Meaning_
| |
beau idéal | bue idol | To smoke a cigarette in a long
| | holder.
| |
au fait | aw fête | To wear an artificial gardenia
| | in the lapel of one’s
| | evening coat.
| |
comme il faut | comma ill faugh | Literally: “As it should be.”
| | To appear in the drawing-room
| | in white tennis flannels.
| |
billet doux | Billie Deuce | Anything written
| | on lavender stationery.
| |
bon soir | bun sour | Greetings!
| |
valet | valley | A comedy-relief Jap.
| |
ennui | en-wee | To glance nonchalantly through
| | _Town Topics_, yawn and throw
| | it back on the table.
| |
égalité | egg-all-light | Literally: “equality.” A
| | servant who, learning that
| | his master is in financial
| | straits, offers him, with
| | tears in his eyes, his own
| | meagre savings.
| |
double entente | dub’l on-tunder | Any remark about a bed.
| |
distingué | dis-tang-way | A gentleman with a goatee.
| |
Céléste[2] | Seal-lest | The lady-friend of the
| | producer.
| |
coup d’état | coop de tate | Sneaking the married heroine
| | unobserved out of the bachelor
| | apartment by letting her wear
| | the housekeeper’s cloak.
| |
gendarme | John Domme | An English actor in a New York
| | traffic policeman’s uniform.
| |
entrée | entry | A papier-maché duck.
| |
faux pas | for Pa | To wear the handkerchief in
| | the pocket.
| |
petite | potate | Designation of the one hundred
| | and seventy-two pound ingénue.
| |
qui vive | key weave | To step quickly on tiptoe to
| | the door and listen, before
| | going on with the conversation.
| |
sang froid | sang freud | Leisurely to extract a
| | cigarette from a gold
| | cigarette-case.
| |
garçon | gar-sun | A bad actor who imitates
| | Figman’s performance in
| | “Divorcons.”
| |
en déshabillé | N. de Shabell | Literally: “In undress.”
| | That is, dressed up in a
| | couple of thousand dollars’
| | worth of lingerie.
| |
mésalliance | mess alliance | Any girl whom the son of the
| | family desires, in the first
| | act, to marry.
| |
en règle | in riggle | A butler who waits until the
| | visitor has entered the
| | drawing-room before taking his
| | hat and stick.
| |
à la mode | allah mode | Tea at two o’clock
| | in the afternoon.

[2] The maid.

WHAT YOU GET FOR YOUR MONEY

The box-office price of a theatre ticket is two dollars. The average play runs from 8.25 until 10.55--in other words, about two hours and a half. A total, that is, of one hundred and fifty minutes. The intermissions between the acts amount, at a rough estimate, to a total of about thirty-five minutes. Subtract the thirty-five minutes from the one hundred and fifty minutes, and we have left one hundred and fifteen minutes. You pay, therefore, two dollars for one hundred and fifteen minutes of entertainment, or about one and three-quarters cents a minute. Let us now see what you get for your money, and also the equivalent of what you could get for it did you spend it in other directions. A few illustrations may suffice to make one pause and reflect:

=I=

“Oh, oh, what have I done that I should be made to suffer } so! It was _because_ I love you that I acted as I did! } But--you don’t understand; you _won’t_ understand!! } 1 glass (_Buries her face in her arms. He goes to mantel and } of stands gazing abstractedly into the grate._) If only } Pilsner I could _make_ you see! Jim, oh Jim, _please_--for our } children’s sake!” }

=II=

“And to think, darling, that you mistrusted me! To think } you did not know from the first moment I saw you, in your } youth and beauty, that I loved you! Your money? BAH! } It’s _you_ I love, sweetheart, with every fibre of my } 1 glass being--_you_, _you_! (_He strains her to him._) Come into } of these arms, dear, these arms that have longed to clasp } Würzburger you within them. They shall ever be your haven from the } toil and turmoil of the world. They shall protect you } from temptation. I love you; I love you!” (_He kisses } her passionately._) }

=III=

“Listen, Hubert; it is but right you should know before } you judge me. I wasn’t immoral; I was merely unmoral. I } trusted him and he (_she averts his gaze_) deceived me. } I was a girl, Hubert, a mere tender girl. He painted } 1 glass for my innocent eyes the splendor of a great career and } of I--I believed him. You must believe me, Hubert, you must } Hofbräu believe me! _I didn’t know--I didn’t know!!_ I believed } him! You must believe me, Hubert, you _must_, you _must_! } Look into my eyes and see for yourself it is the truth I } am telling you! }

Transcriber's Notes

A number of typographical errors were corrected silently.

Cover image is in the public domain.