Chapter VII: Act II: Scene I

On the Banks of the Tiber. Ten Years Later.

_Enter Romulus, Remus, bricklayers, maidens, and others_.

_Rom._.,
'Tis done. The proud usurper bites the dust.
_Rem_.
(It's took us ten good years to do it. That's the wust.)
_Rom_.
The tyrant's ashes moulder on the plain.
_Rem_. (You've said that once before. Say it again.)
_Rom_. Remus, my blackguard brother, hold thy tongue.
_Rem_. Romulus, may I be spared to see thee hung.
_Maidens_.
Alas! to see two brothers bicker thus is sad,
Let's laugh and sport and turn to something glad.
_Mary Ann (blushing_).
I'll sing you a simple ballad if you like.
(_All shuddering_). Good gracious! (_Aside_) Certainly, by all
means.
_Mary Ann_.
How doth each naughty little lad
Delight to snarl and bite,
And kick and scratch, It's very bad,
It isn't at all right.
Oh, don't do this; oh, don't do that,
Don't tear each other's hair,
But shout and play with ball and bat,
Or dance with maidens fair;
Play tennis, cricket, kiss-in-the-ring,
Rounders or golf or catch,
Play baseball, rounders--anything, But please don't fight and scratch.

Run quarter miles, or hurdle race,
Jump high or low or wide;
Try football tricks, both drop and place,
Join us in seek and hide.
But _please_ don't squabble, dear boys,
It isn't nice to squall;
It looks so bad, makes such a noise,
It quite upsets us all.

_All_.
Enough, dear Mary Ann, enough, enough;
(Did ever mortal hear such stupid stuff?)
Who's going to fight? We're here to play,
Reserve your lectures for some other day.

(_Athletic sports begin. The crowd looks on, as Chorus_)

_Chorus_.
Clear the course, ring the bell,
Toe the line, start them well.
Go it, cripples! on you go!
This man's gaining, that's dropped slow!
Mind the corner! keep your side!
Save your wind! Well run! well tried!
One more lap! Stick to it there!
Now for a spurt! He's leading clear--
No, neck-and-neck! No, leader's done!
The best man wins! Well run! well run!
Now for the jump--four feet, all clear.
Up inch by inch. Ah, very near!
Another try. What, missed again?
He's not the winning man, that's plain.
Up, four foot six! Bravo! Well jumped!
See, number four is getting pumped.
Good, number six! He's all on springs!
Another inch! The tug begins!
Up, up, and up! Three men still in -
Now only two! Which is to win? Up higher!
Ah, there's one miss more! Well jumped!
Dead heat at five-feet-four.

(_During the song Romulus and Remus run and jump. Romulus wins the race, but the high jump is a dead heat_.)

_Romulus (in a temper_).
Remus is a sharper,
Remus is a cheat,
Remus collared my side,
And made it a dead heat.
I'll collar Remus' side,
Whether he likes or no;
I'll not be done by him -
At least, without a row.

_Remus (derisively_).
Romulus, he makes a fuss
Because he's been licked by his brother.
Let him alone, and he'll go home;
Who cares for his noise and his bother?

_Chorus (reproachfully_).
This is the way they always go, always go, always go,
Quarrel and kick up no end of a row,
From the time they get up in the morning.
Leave them alone and let them be, let them be, let them be;
If they can't be civil, let us agree On this beautiful May-day
morning.

(_Exeunt dancing, leaving Romulus and Remus fighting_.)

Scene II.

On the Site of Rome.

Four Years Later.

_Enter Romulus and Remus lovingly, with their arms round each other's necks_.

_Rom_.
Good old Remus, ain't I fond of you!
Oh, what a brick you are! I love you so!

_Rem_.
I never knew a chap I liked like Romly,
So gentle, kind, good-looking, bold and comly.

_Rom_.
You make me blush, my Remy; _you're_ the brick,
Through thick and thin I vow to you I'll stick.

_Rem_.
Thank you. Suppose, to mark our vows,
We raise a monument or build a house.

_Rom_.
Why, while we're at it, let us build a city,
The greatest in the world!
List to my ditty:
(_Sings_).

This is the town that Romulus and Remus built.

These are the walls that go round the town that Romulus and Remus built.

These are the boys that built the walls that go round the town that Romulus and Remus built.

These are the poets who sing of the boys that built the walls that go round the town that Romulus and Remus built.

These are the scholars who read the poets who sing of the boys who built the walls that go round the town that Romulus and Remus built.

These are the schoolboys who learn from the scholars who read the poets who sing of the boys who built the walls that go round the town that Romulus and Remus built.

This is the book which is read by the schoolboys who learn from the scholars who read the poets who sing of the boys who built the walls that go round the town that Romulus and Remus built.

_Rem_.
Bravo, Romly. Let's start work at once.
You build the walls, I'll manage the finance.

_Enter Chorus of Boys derisively_.

Remus and Romulus built up a wall.

Romulus and Remus, mind you don't fall.
(_Strophe_) Romulus and Remus, nice pair of
schemers,
How does your city grow?
Bricks and cabbages, sticks and rubbishes,
And mud pies all anyhow.

1. The author is not quite sure what strophe and antistrophe mean, but they appear to come in tragically here.

2. Rubbishes is apparently the nearest rhyme to cabbages which the chorus can lay hands on for the moment.

(_Antistrophe_)
Hee-haw, Remus can saw,
Romulus tries to make plaster.
They shall have a penny a day,
What a pity they cannot work faster!

_Rom. (throwing stones_).
Aroint thee! Hold your row! Shut up! Go home.
Don't interfere with men who are building Rome.

_Rem. (sings_).
'Mid damp clay and sandy chalk, and blue slate and loam,
Be it ever so Roman, there'll be no town like Rome.
So all do your worst, we care not who come,
There's no town like Rome, there's no town like Rome.
Rome! Rome! Great, great Rome!
There's no town like Rome, there's no town like Rome.

_Chorus, disgusted_.
How do these busy little lads
Delight to toil and fag,
And swagger like a pair of cads,
And boast and crow and brag.
(_Exeunt with their noses in the air_.)

_Rom_.
Thank goodness they are gone. Now, old chap, to work.
Sit up! you're getting lazy. Come, don't shirk.

_Rem. (turning red_).
I getting lazy! Like your awful cheek!
I've done more in a day than you in a week.

_Rom_.
Ha, ha! ho, he! My! that's a pretty joke.
Look what I've done. _You've_ hardly done a stroke.

_Rem_.
If that's your tune, you're free to do it all.
_Your_ work, indeed! Do you call _this_ a wall?
I'd hop it on one foot. Ho, ho! A pretty town.
A puff of wind would blow your rampart down.

_Rom_.
Hop it, you ass? I'd like to see you try.
I promise you shall know the reason why.

_Rem. (laughing_).
Stupid old Romulus
Sat on a tumulus
Trying to build a town,
There came this young brother,
One foot over t'other,
And knocked his precious wall down.
Hurroo! here goes! stand clear! this for your wall!
What care I if from now to Christmas Day you bawl?
(_Hops over the wall, knocking off the top course_.)
Missed it! Hard luck! I'll try again! Stand by!
I guess I ought to clear what's barely three feet high.

_Rom. (aside_).
I've stood this long enough! The time has come
When I or Remus, single-handed, must build Rome.
Ho! stay thy impious foot, thou scoffing mule,
Or I will slay thee! Cease to play the fool!

_Rem. (sings_).
Over the city wall, over the city wall,
See how we bump, hop, skip, and jump,
Over the city wall.

(_Jumps again_)

_Rom. (picking up a scaffolding-pole_).
Thy doom is sealed!
I said I'd kill thee! Ha!
'Tis thy last jump! Thou hoppest never more!

(_Knocks him on the head.)

Rem_.
I've overdone it! Now I'm slain! Alas!
I do repent that I have played the ass!

(_Dies_.)

_Rom. (sings_).
Remus he would a-fooling go
(Heigh-ho! says Romly),
Whether his brother could stand it or no,
With a Romly, Remy, Roman, and Grecian.
(Heigh-ho! says Romulus Romly.)

_Enter She-wolf suddenly_.

_Wolf_.
Hullo, my lad! I've caught you then at last!
I've waited twenty years to break my fast.
It's hungry work. But now I've got you.
Come. Don't kick, 'twill hurt the more. Fe, fi, fo, fum!

1. A classical quotation having special reference to the anticipation
of
a good square meal.

_Rom_.
Oh, please it wasn't me! See, there's my brother,
He's far more on his bones than me, my dear stepmother!

_Wolf (perceiving Remits_).
Humph! I may want you both.
But if you wish
I'll start on Remus for my opening dish.

_Rom_.
Do, gentle step-dame; then when he is done,
Come back and claim your sole surviving son.

_Wolf_.
Agreed! But lest you should forget your promise, dear,
I'll take, if you'll allow, my first course here.
I shan't be long; and as your turn comes next,
Don't keep me waiting--I should be so vexed.

(_Proceeds to devour Remus with relish_.)

_Rom. (aside_).
Ah, ha, old glutton! Ha, not much you don't!

If I can help it, dine off me you won't.
(_Stabs the wolf from behind_.)

_Wolf_.
Alack, I die, my banquet, half untasted!
To think of so much dainty dinner wasted!

_Rom. (dances and sings_) -
Who killed old Remus?
I, said his brother, likewise his step-mother,
I killed old Remus.
Who saw him fall?
Not a man-jack saw him drop on his back;
None saw him fall. Who's all right now?
I, says the Roman; I'm rid of my foeman,
I'm all right now.

_Enter Chorus (with a band and flags_).

Great Romulus, we're glad to see you licked him
(Sing hey the jolly Roman and his ma);
We're jolly glad you punched his head and kicked him
(Sing hey the jolly Roman that you are).

Then hail to you, great Roman!
We yield to you or no man,
(Sing hey the jolly Roman and his ma).
We beg you'll let us help you build the city
(Sing hey the jolly city that he rears);
We'll be your loyal subjects; show us pity
(Sing hey the jolly city and three cheers).
Then hail the jolly city,
To you we chant our ditty,
(Sing hey the jolly city and three cheers).

_Rom_.
Friends, thank you one and all; excuse my tear,
Domestic trouble makes me feel so queer;
But if you like, to celebrate this day
I sing you here one final roundelay.

(_Sings_.)
When Romulus from Tiber's stream escaped,
His infant footsteps to the woodland shaped,
He sort of vowed, if ever he grew big,
He would the walls of a great city dig.
This was his object; here he takes his stand,
Romans ever, ever, ever I'll command.

_Chorus (all going)_--
Rule, old Roma, Roma rule the land,
Romans ever, ever, ever he'll command.

(_Exeunt omnes_.)