Chapter XIII: Effects of the Philters.--Brother Jacques Leaves His Companion

Despite the unpleasant conclusion of our first séance in magnetism, we did a very good business at the Tête-Noire. Clairette gave us all the information that we desired, and to avoid a repetition of the Eustache Nicole episode, we admitted only those persons who had entered their names beforehand.

But the public curiosity abated, and the effects of our pills did not always correspond to the expectations of the purchasers. Moreover, I began to be less in love with Clairette; I had surprised her several times being rejuvenated by Pierre and Jérôme, and that had taken away all the illusion of a first love. So that I was not disappointed when my companion suggested that we should go away.

For six months we lived in that same way, remaining a longer or shorter time in one place according to the number of dupes we made there. That worked very well; but we did not always find accomplices, and then we were likely to make serious mistakes. One day I told a money-lender that he didn’t care for money, a drunkard that he didn’t like wine, a gambler that he didn’t care for cards, and a bachelor that his wife was false to him; you can imagine, Sans-Souci, that we did not make a brilliant success in that town.

I began to be tired of that kind of life; I had informed my companion that I wished to leave him, but he always strove to keep me. But one day I resolved to give my love of mischief a free rein and to play some trick on him that would take away all desire on his part to have me for a partner.

We were in a small town where we were performing miracles. Magnetism and somnambulism seemed to have turned everyone’s head; people fought for the privilege of consulting us first, of obtaining private conferences. I could not fill the orders for pills, and even the charms were selling very well. It was in that place that I determined to try an experiment of my own invention on the fools who applied to us.

An old advocate had been paying court for some time to a coquette of uncertain age, who refused to respond to his flame, but did not cease to listen to his tender declarations. The lady was crafty, she was well pleased to inspire passions, and she was afraid of losing her influence over her adorer if she yielded to his desires. They both came to consult us: the advocate to learn how to soften the heart of his charmer, and she, how to retain the charms that made so many men wretched. My companion promised Monsieur Gérard--that was the old suitor’s name--a philter that would make the coldest woman amorous; and he promised Madame Dubelair a charm that would shelter hers from the ravages of time.

In the same house with Madame Dubelair lived the deputy mayor of the town. Monsieur Rose was an excellent man; but his wife complained of one great failing in him; he was not enough in love with her, and was not in the slightest degree jealous. So Madame Rose also came to consult us as to the means she could employ to put an end to her husband’s indifference. To make a husband amorous of his wife after fifteen years of wedlock was rather difficult. Nevertheless my companion promised Madame Rose a philter with a marvelous power of causing jealousy, and the dear soul went away, overjoyed to know that she might still hope to drive her husband frantic.

My hunchback made haste to compound the philters, and gave them to me to carry to their addresses, instructing me to collect the pay for them. On the way I reflected how amusing it would be to change the destination of the little phials.

“Parbleu!” I said to myself, “I am going to see what will happen! I will give Madame Rose, instead of the charm for jealousy, the one to make a person amorous; to Monsieur Gérard the one to arouse anger, and to Madame Dubelair the one for jealousy; the results cannot fail to be comical.”

I instantly put my plan into execution; I delivered the phials to the three persons concerned, assuring them of their miraculous effect; then I returned to the inn and impatiently awaited the result of my prank.

Monsieur Gérard had solicited and obtained from Madame Dubelair permission to lunch with her _en tête-à-tête_. I had carried him the alluring charm early in the morning, and he thought that it would not be a bad idea for him to take part of it before calling upon his inamorata, in order to give himself resolution and audacity. Madame Dubelair had lost no time in tasting the marvelous phial, which was to make her charms impervious to time; and Madame Rose had poured a large part of hers into the chocolate that her husband drank every morning.

You know, my dear Sans-Souci, what my master’s drugs were compounded of, and how he had figured out their inevitable effect. Imagine therefore the events that occurred during that memorable evening! Monsieur Gérard betook himself to his adored one’s abode; on the way, he felt slight colicky pains; his head was burning hot. He supposed that the charm was working and he hastened to Madame Dubelair’s. He found her reclining negligently in a long chair. But imagine his surprise! His charming friend was unrecognizable; her nose was red and swollen, her skin tightly drawn; several blotches embellished her brow.

“How do you think I look this evening, Monsieur Gérard?” she asked with a sly smile; “I am sure that you find me changed.”

“In truth, madame,” replied the poor advocate, holding his hands to his abdomen and making diabolical faces as he spoke, “I do find you changed. You are ill, no doubt.”

“Ill, monsieur! ill! when you yourself are writhing and twisting in such an extraordinary way!”

“Madame, I admit, that for a minute or two----”

“My mirror, Fifine; I wish to know if I look sick, as monsieur thinks.”

Poor Gérard could stand it no longer; the philter was working; colic and headache appeared. The maid brought Madame Dubelair her mirror. The coquette looked at herself and began to shriek horribly; she broke the mirror, she had an attack of hysterics, and her poor lover implored Fifine to give him the key to his mistress’s closet. The girl, who was mischievous and sly, like most soubrettes, roared with laughter when she saw Monsieur Gérard’s plight; and to make the confusion complete, Madame Rose rushed in, crying that she was betrayed, dishonored; that her husband was a monster who gave her no children but had just debauched his concierge. Our amorous philter had raised the deuce with Monsieur Rose; the poor man had gone home, hoping to find his wife there; she had hidden in order to make him jealous, and the dear husband, finding nobody but his concierge at hand, had made her the victim of the flames that consumed him.

The cries of Madame Rose, who was frantic with rage, of the concierge, who pretended to be, of Madame Dubelair, who was trying to tear off her nose, of Monsieur Gérard, who was holding his stomach, and of Monsieur Rose, who was weeping over his own perversity, soon attracted the whole quarter. The neighbors hurried to the spot, asked questions, pushed and crowded, gave Madame Rose orange-flower water, the concierge cologne, Madame Dubelair ether, Monsieur Gérard an enema, and Monsieur Rose extract of water lily.

When the first outcries had subsided, an attempt was made to ascertain the cause of so many untoward events. It was clear that there must be some witchcraft underneath. Madame Dubelair swore that she had never in her whole life had a pimple on her nose or anywhere else, Monsieur Gérard never ate too much, and Madame Rose, despite her wrath, admitted that her husband was not the man to pinch a woman’s knee unless he had been made tipsy. Thus these extraordinary events must have had some hidden cause. They remembered the philters; they confided in one another; and the result was that the little hunchback was voted a sorcerer, a magician, a charlatan, an impostor worthy of hell-fire. But, pending the time when he should go to hell, they considered that it was necessary to put him in prison, in order to prevent him from repeating his infamous incantations.

Rose, the deputy, went to the mayor and explained the affair to him; he obtained an order for the culprit’s arrest. On his side, the advocate assembled all the notables of the town; they shared his wrath and considered that the scoundrel who gave one of the long robe the colic could not be punished too severely. Madame Dubelair and Madame Rose stirred up all the women; Madame Dubelair especially had to say no more than this: “A man who can make the nose red and the complexion lead-color is a villain who deserves the halter!”--As for the philter of which Monsieur Rose had drunk, all the ladies begged for a few drops of it for their private use, thinking that, when thus divided, it could not fail to produce very pleasant results.

These events had taken time; it was daybreak when they started for our lodgings to arrest us. I say us, for I am quite sure that I should have shared my companion’s fate. But since the preceding day I had been on the alert, walking about the town, watching all that took place, listening to what people said; in short, I learned that they were coming to arrest us, and I did not deem it prudent to wait until that time. While my companion was asleep, I made a little bundle of everything belonging to me, and of the money I had earned with him, being careful to take no more than was really mine; then, wishing my little hunchback much good fortune, I left our lodgings, leaving him to get out of the scrape as he could.

I have no idea what happened to him, for I never saw him again; but as sorcerers are no longer hanged, since it has been discovered that there are no such things, I am very sure that my poor charlatan got off with a few months in prison.