Chapter II: Part 2

Paul wants to know whether or not it is a fact that there is anything to the rumor that Owen Moore, former husband of Mary Pickford, is due to marry Mildred Harris, late wife of Charlie Chaplin? So far as Whiz Bang knows, neither Owen nor Mildred have any wild desires to become as one. Mildred scarcely seems of a type that would appeal to the silent youngster whom Mary released at Minden. Speaking of Minden? Where is that place? Oh, yes, up in Nevada. Wasn’t it Nevada which was going to show the Fairbanks and Pickfords that such sudden splitting of the wedded bonds couldn’t be pulled off in that sanctified state? And didn’t Whiz Bang tip you off that Nevada was long on talk and short on official action.

Yes, indeedy. Doug Fairbanks puts on the old carpet slippers and Mary smoothes his hair for all the world like an old married couple and no one to say them nay, not even Nevada.

The “rumor” which friend Paul sent to us reminds us forcibly again that you can hear anything about any one in the picture world or connected with it. Stick around the Alexandria hotel lobby for ten minutes and the pedigree of every male and female whose face appears upon the screen will be peddled to you ad libitum.

Three years ago the Alexandria hotel lobby was the scene of gigantic picture operations—in the mind. It was customary for ten million dollar organizations to be formed every five minutes. That was in the days of the magic rug. It seemed no one could step on the rug in front of the hotel counter without becoming stricken. New studios by the thousands were built every night between six-thirty and seven o’clock.

But they don’t have the rug at the Alex any more. Remember when Charlie Chaplin tried to lick his wife’s manager and tripped from the rug onto a scantling, his priceless feet exuding themselves skyward? Since Charlie slipped and fell, the rug has been removed. The reason perhaps is that few hotels get a chance to brag of Charlie Chaplin staging a fight in their lobby and the Alexandria evidently trusts that if a return engagement occurs Chaplin will not be able to complain of slippery underfooting.

Charlie looks better than in ages. He’s leading the very quiet life, and working hard.

Reverting again to rumors. Take ’em all and all, most of the picture “support” on the various lots is comprised of persons who would find it pretty rough going financially if called upon to exercise brains. And they are petty.

Small town gossips of a mean nature, jealousies and back bitings prevail. This doesn’t always hold to the extras alone. Some of the stars are just as bad. Harold Lloyd pays considerable attention to Bebe Daniels. The result is that the jealous girls have it in for Harold and Bebe. It happens that Lloyd is a very decent young fellow, so far as reputation goes and many a doting mamma gets ideas in her head when she sees the young millionaire roll down the street in one of his splendid cars. Up to date there has been nothing brought against Lloyd, even by jealous ladies who crave and don’t get his attention. He steers clear of the jazz bunch—as clear as can be done and remain at all popular.

Mildred Davis, for the past two years his leading lady, is frequently seen in the company of Lloyd at the fashionable gathering places. The girl is a beautiful looking young creature, possibly 18 or 19 years of age and naturally those who watch the picture hurdy-gurdy wonder whether Lloyd is stronger for Mildred than for Bebe. Either young lady, so far as appearances are concerned, would go a lot further and not meet up with a more promising gentleman, though marriage may be furthest from the mind of the trio. These youngsters work hard and have to attend pretty much to business.

The wild parties still prevail though they are getting a little more exclusive. People are chosen who don’t have a reputation for bringing up reminders the next morning of everything that happened. This is a good idea. Every girl who got drunk the night before discovered before noon next day that everyone on the lot had heard about it.

In our references to Hollywood and Los Angeles society, we don’t wish to be accused of laying everything to the picture people. Far from it. The high society bunch sets a faster pace if anything. One of the wildest orgies ever attempted in this hextic community occurred recently in the vicinity of Elizabeth Lake, a distance of some 80 miles from Los Angeles.

It seems that the sacred inner circles of fashion and pictures found that the ground was being trampled upon too much by the plebeian element and that the ensuing gossip often ended unpleasantly. Over canyon and mountains many of the guests were carried by aeroplanes. This item will be news to some who think they are on the “inside” of the jazz doings around Los Angeles. The ultra ultras are putting it on stronger than ever—but far away from home, husbands and wives.

Big men of the pictures and high social standings, who never bat an eye at certain queens of the amusement world when at work, joined in a carnival of revelry that surpassed most anything provided for jaded appetites hereabouts—not excepting the nude bathing parties for which Hollywood and Pasadena became famous with introduction of private bathing plunges, out of doors.

Outside the Sodom and Gemorrah cottage, big powerful aeroplanes waited to carry back to Los Angeles those who find that an air trip to be very clarifying after a night of social carnage. One man, it is reported, though brewed up like a boiled owl, landed his two passengers safely on one of the landing places near Hollywood. There is first-hand information that brewed up airplane drivers have operated in the vicinity. To date the motor bike cops have found the pave too hot for them to pinch any one.

* * * * *

A bribe in time saves nine.

_Pasture Pot Pourri_

_A baldheaded man likes to tell about the hair-breadth escapes he’s had._

* * * * *

A shortened skirt maketh many a flirt.

* * * * *

If ignorance is bliss—then why be otherwise?

* * * * *

In the race “Back to Nature,” the Bathing Suit is a close second. The Evening Gown leading by a fraction of an inch.

* * * * *

If a body find a bottle comin’ thru the rye,
Don’t it make a body sore to find the bottle dry?

* * * * *

Flattery is like cologne; to be smelled but not swallowed.

* * * * *

When you’re down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out all right.

* * * * *

It’s the little things that worry us. We can dodge an elephant, but not a flea.

* * * * *

_Variety is the spice of—Salt Lake City._

* * * * *

All the world loves a lover, except hubby.

* * * * *

As Kipling Remarks

You will take your fun where you find it
But you’ll find while you’re taking your fun
The more you mix with the many
The less you will care for the one.

* * * * *

Resurrected

“A little bit goes a long ways,” said the goose, as she pushed the pebble over the precipice. “That remains to be seen,” said the pup as he wagged his tail and walked away.

* * * * *

A Clean Joke, Let’s Hope

_May I hold your Palm, Olive?_
_Not on your Life, Buoy._

* * * * *

Oh, frivolity, thy name is woman.

* * * * *

What was the cause of that scar you have on your head?

A woman told me that her husband was in St. Louis.

* * * * *

“This hotel is a book of life,” chortled the blonde and boastful desk clerk, “with me the hero thrilling its pages, and you poor bell hops—merely the pages.”

* * * * *

Sign In Basement Window

Coffee and a roll downstairs, 10 cents.

* * * * *

My Evening Prayer

_Now I lay me down to sleep,_
_Behold, around me bed-bugs creep._

* * * * *

Harrowed husband to barber: Please don’t use that sweet smelling soap on my face.

Barber: Why not, sir; it has a delicate lasting scent.

Harrowed husband: That’s just it; my wife won’t believe it.

* * * * *

I’VE HAD A LOT OF JOYS ON EARTH;
I DON’T WANT TO BE A HOG.
REINCARNATED—I WANT TO BE
A BATHING BEAUTY’S DOG.

* * * * *

Don’t swell up when someone takes you for a ride. You might be used as ballast.

* * * * *

A skinny girl in an evening dress, shows more backbone than a man.

* * * * *

You can string beans and kid gloves, but you can’t bull frogs.

* * * * *

Help! Help!

He never had tended to children,
Yet he said that he wouldn’t mind
When his wife went away, if she would not
Leave the babies behind.

* * * * *

“_There goes a man who can’t bear children._”

* * * * *

Mother Goose Revamped

I once knew a girl
Who wore a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead
And when she was good
She was very, very good
But when she was bad
She was very INTERESTING.

* * * * *

First we abolish what we consider an evil, opines the Town Tankard, and afterward secretly embrace it.

* * * * *

Mary’s Little (?) Lamb

Mary had a pretty limb,
She realized the fact—
That’s why she wore her dresses short
She showed a lot of tact.

* * * * *

_No, Dia, Anna Lyzer is not a twin sister of Para Lyzer._

* * * * *

We are surely tickled to death that Good Friday does not fall on Easter Sunday.

* * * * *

Notice!

_Miss Featrice Bairfax who conducts the lovelorn department of this great military journal of uplift, will advise you on your matrimonial and love affairs. Write to her freely; she has been in France long enough not to be shocked._

* * * * *

——What’ll it be, Gents, a lollypop or a nut sundae?

* * * * *

Try This On Your Hic-trola

The old oaken hic bar rail; the brass hic bound bar rail;
The foam hic spattered bar rail that hic hung by the bar;
Hic—

* * * * *

Our Monthly Maxim

_Late in bed, early to rise, makes dark rings beneath the eyes._

* * * * *

Now that Luther Reed has written a villainless play, the husband must be guilty of a bum cellar or something like that.

* * * * *

A New Version

_Here’s to the short skirt and the street car steps. May they never meet._

* * * * *

The old fashioned woman who used to take her troubles to the Lord, has a daughter who now takes them to a lawyer.

* * * * *

If at first some men don’t succeed they fail, and fail again.

* * * * *

A fat man has another advantage over his thin brethren—he knows exactly where his cigar ashes are going to land.

* * * * *

Moonology

The wife of a man named Moon presented him with a fine boy. This was a new moon. The father celebrated the event by drinking himself full of hootch. This was a full moon. When he awoke from his stupor all he had left in his pocket was twenty-five cents. This was the last quarter. His mother-in-law took this and rapped him over the head with a club. This was the total eclipse.

* * * * *

Impossible

It can’t be done.

What?

Shave the hair off a gnat’s back with a monkey wrench.

* * * * *

Sunburned

The sun was hot upon the beach
Her suit was little sister’s.
She thought she had a good time, but
All is not bliss that blisters.

* * * * *

Ah Ha! Ah!

He—I suppose it would be quite improper for me to kiss you on such a short acquaintance.

She—Yes, but it’s quite early in the evening yet.

_Classified Ads_

How Come?

(From Cedar Rapids Gazette)

Found—Lady’s lingerie and stockings with auto cushion in pasture on Oak Blvd., two miles south Vernon road near the Morgan farm called “Buenos Aires.”

* * * * *

Need a Steno?

(Tucson, Ariz., Star)

Competent stenographer without local references excepting polkadot reputation, wants job. Masons and Christians need not answer. Phone 1009-M.

* * * * *

No Restrictions

For Rent—8-room house. Family of 6 or 7 wild children. Mrs. Minnie Zenft.—From Oelwein (Ia.) Register.

* * * * *

Take Your Turn, Boys

(From Times Herald, Dallas, Tex.)

A lady presser, experienced preferred. Brannon’s Cleaning Co.

* * * * *

Here’s Another

(From Kansas City Star)

LAUNDRY HELP—Girl to operate bosom press. The Bachelor’s Laundry Co., 2004 Broadway.

* * * * *

Now a Man!

(From San Francisco Examiner)

Man for pressing forms; no experience necessary; good pay while learning. 541 Market st.

* * * * *

An Old-Timer

A Cambridge under-graduate, contrary to regulations, was entertaining his sister, when they heard someone on the stairs. Hastily hiding his sister behind a curtain, he went to the door and confronted an aged man who was revisiting the scenes of his youth, and was desirous of seeing his old rooms.

Obtaining permission, he looked around, and remarked, “Ah, yes, the same old room.” Going to the window, he said, “The same old view”; and peeping behind the curtain, he exclaimed, “The same old game!”

“My sister, sir,” said the student.

“Oh, yes,” said the visitor, “the same old story!”—Tit-Bits.

* * * * *

But, My Dear—

Florine: I won’t marry a man who won’t look me straight in the eye while he is talking to me.

Chlorine: Then wear ’em longer, dearie.

* * * * *

Girls no longer love to dance. They dance to love.

* * * * *

The old fashioned girl used to stay home when she had nothing to wear.

* * * * *

The feminine half of the world may not know how the masculine half lives, but it never tires of trying to find out.

* * * * *

The Luck of the Irish

An Irishman at confession noticed that the priest had a watch on a fob. As it was easy he nicked it. Continuing his confession he said, “And Father, I stole a gold watch and fob from a man, but I will give it to you.” The priest was horrified by the suggestion and said, “No, you must give it to the man you took it from.” Pat replied, “But, Father, I offered it to him and he would not take it.” Then, said the priest, “You may keep it.”

* * * * *

Love As An Appetizer

Any emotion that gives pleasure acts healthily on the heart and other organs, certain scientists have recently discovered. Brisk circulation, gnawing appetite and health ensue. Love, hope and happiness all produce these emotions and, contrary to the accepted notion, the ardent lover ought to enjoy his meals thoroughly. Despair, grief and fear are declared to have quite the opposite effect. They make the heart slower, and enfeeble the nervous system, often upsetting digestion.

* * * * *

Many a girl looks sweet on the outside, but so does a sugar-coated pill.

* * * * *

You may have more brains than a dog, but the dog is the happiest.

* * * * *

Could Explain Readily

An enthusiastic temperance proponent was lecturing vigorously on his pet theme when someone in the audience asked him how he could account for the miracle of the turning of the water into wine. “That,” he piped up in all seriousness, “was the one act performed by the Founder of the Christian religion which He ever after regretted.”

* * * * *

“My tear! Isn’t he brilliant!” “It’s the goods, Maurice, just so brilliant like a glass diamint.”

* * * * *

The Other View

Mrs. Justso—“Is my gown cut too low in the back? I can just feel that those men behind us are staring at me.”

Mr. Husband—“Aw, turn around and show ’em your face and they’ll quit staring.”

* * * * *

No Use

No use lovin’
Ain’t no gain;
No use eatin’,
Just a pain;
No use kissin’,
He’ll go tell;
No use nothin’,
Oh Hell!

* * * * *

The Only Rings You Gave Me

(By Jack Gould)

You promised me a lot of things
When first I fell for you,—
You said you would buy me diamond rings,
And pearls of lustrous hue;
You said that I’d wear silken hose
And other garments fine;
Oh, boy—I’m here to tell you these.—
You had a flow’ry line

Refrain:

The only rings you gave me
Were the rings beneath my eyes;
From vanity you have saved me,
By adorning me with lies.
The only pearls were tear drops
That were shed when I got wise;
The only rings you gave me
Were the rings beneath my eyes!
The fairy tales that you have told
Would shame the ones of Grimm;
You made me think that all was gold
That glittered in the glim.
But there is bound to come a day,—
Just wait, old scout, and see,—
When you’ll find out you’ll have to pay
For what you got from me!

* * * * *

She Was All Ready

Jack (ready for the party)—Dorothy, the taxi will be here any minute. Slip on your evening gown quick.

Wifie—Now, don’t be funny, Jack, it’s on.

* * * * *

Most Assuredly

“Where shall I find ladies’ waists?”

“Between the neckwear and the hosiery, madam.”

_Our Rural Mail Box_

=_Will Wright_=—Certainly not, Will; the Rev. “Golightly” Morrill writes only of things he has seen—not his personal experiences.

* * * * *

=_Rev. Numm_=—We have mislaid our best recipe, but whatever you use, don’t forget the raisins.

* * * * *

=_Della K. Tessen_=—No, Della, he was no gentleman.

* * * * *

=_Lew Dikrus_=—When Gus was that way he shaved his head and burned his clothes.

* * * * *

=_Cora Gate_=—Slap his face the next time.

* * * * *

=_Iva Byte_=—Yes, all men are like that.

* * * * *

=_Gracey_=—No, Gracey, I don’t walk in my sleep. I take carfare to bed with me.

* * * * *

A NATIONAL BIRD IS THE EAGLE—WITH THE STORK A CLOSE SECOND.

* * * * *

Essence of Joy, By Gum

By L. J. Messenger

Please kiss me, dear, the youth insisted,
As ’round her waist, his arms he twisted.
I will, says she, if you’ll agree
To buy some chewing gum for me.
So the youth was wise and bought the gum,
And told his dearie he wanted one.
All right, he heard her softly sigh,
The gum for me you’ll ne’er deny.
Now this is a thing I’ve never done,
Kisses, my dear, I always shun,
But I know I’ll like them as well as you,
If they’re as good as the gum I chew.
So she sat right down upon a chair,
She chewed her gum and fussed her hair,
And the nearer she came to the “bargained fun”
The faster she chewed her chewing gum.
Suddenly she chewed with all her might,
And placed her arms around him tight,
She swallowed her gum, and cried, “Don’t miss.
I love my gum, but oh, djer kiss.”

* * * * *

His First Offense

In New York City, all those who are sent to jail for thirty days are required to take a bath. A bath attendant upon noticing that Ike Kabibble’s person was none too clean, suddenly exclaimed:

“Hey, there, you guy! Did you ever take a bath before?”

“Vell,” Abe replied, “I nefer vas arrested before.”

* * * * *

She said to him beneath the tree,
“Well, I’ll love you if you love me.”
The kiss he gave with love did burn,
She gave him ditto in return.

_Arthur Neale’s Page_

_I joined a Frisco schooner—a good ship, I was told;_
_Bound for Sydney, New South Wales, with lumber in the hold._
_We’d left the South behind, boys; began to feel the swell,_
_When the mate looked in the fo’c’sle. I said: “Mister, go away.”_

* * * * *

Fascinated by the spell of the Smokehouse Poetry, and having sailed the seven seas and visited most every place East and West of Suez, including Hoboken, N. J., we wished to show the doubting Gus that we also could string together that line of verse. Hence the above. When we got to the fourth line, however, we grew tired and finished it up.

* * * * *

Gus writes us that he went to St. Paul the other day. He met a girl and they went into a movie. He says she sat there with her arm around his waist, and after she’d said good-bye he found it had been in his pocket as well.

* * * * *

’Tis better to have loved and lost when you read of some of the mean things they say in the divorce court.

* * * * *

“Now while you were at college, my son,
Tell me of some of the things you done.
I hope you kept off the cards and vice?”
“Certainly, father; I only played dice.”
“And you didn’t go to the races each day?”
“We bet right in school. They were so far away.”
“You don’t smoke cigarettes? I said it’s not right.”
“No. What I smoke, dad, are cigars and a pipe.”
“You didn’t go round with boys who were tough?”
“I went with the girls. But I never was rough.”
“You didn’t sneak out and do drinking by stealth?”
“Oh, nothing like that. I made it myself.”
“You mean to say you’ve taken a nip?”
“Sure. If you want a drink there’s some on my hip.”
“You never went to a midnight revue?”
“No. I went with the chorus when they were through.”
“I hope you didn’t get fighting, my son?”
“No one would try it. I carried a gun.”
“I suppose in all sport you took a delight?”
“Yes. I used to like dancing without any light.”
“Of course you took part in the baseball game?”
“I didn’t like baseball. It’s rather too tame.”
“You didn’t go help your club try and win?”
“No. I’d much rather help a girl try and swim.”
“And how much learning, my boy, can you show?”
“I’ve forgotten more than you’ll ever know.”
“I’m glad to see that my son is a man.”
“Yes. I can do more than you ever can.”
“My boy, I see you’re a lad of my heart.”
“All right—make it Paris. When do we start?”

* * * * *

The Sphere Feminine

They talk about a woman’s sphere
As though it had a limit;
There’s not a place in earth or heaven,
There’s not a task to mankind given;
There’s not a blessing or a woe,
There’s not a whispered yes or no;
There’s not a life, there’s not a birth,
That has a feather’s weight of worth—
Without some woman in it!

* * * * *

Certainty

Is it you I love, dear?
I can scarcely tell,
When you smile, your eyes, dear,
Make me think of Nell.
When you’re sad, your mouth, dear,
Makes me think of Sue,
But, dearest, when I kiss you
I am surely sure it’s you.

_Our Winter Annual_

In addition to republication of gems of earlier issues of Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang, the first complete Winter Annual of this great family journal will contain a large variety of brand new jokes, jests, jingled, pot pourri, stories, and smokehouse poetry. This book, Pedigreed Follies of 1921-22, will contain four times as much reading matter as the regular issue of the Whiz Bang and will sell for one dollar per copy. It will be a book which will be cherished by the readers for years to come, and will contain the greatest collection of red-blooded poetry yet put in print. Included in the list will be:

Johnnie and Frankie, The Face on the Bar-room Floor, The
Shooting of Dan McGrew, The Harpy, Lasca (in full), The Girl
in the Blue Velvet Band, Langdon Smith’s “Evolution,” Advice
to Men, Advice to Women, Our Own Fairy Queen, Stunning Percy
LaDue, Parody on Kipling’s “The Ladies,” Toledo Slim.

Advance orders are now being received and will be mailed in the order in which they are received. Tear off the attached blank and mail to us today with your check, money order or stamps.

Whiz Bang,
Robbinsdale, Minnesota.

Gentlemen:

Enclosed is check, money order or stamps for $1.00 for which
please send me the Winter Annual of Captain Billy’s Whiz Bang,
“Pedigreed Follies of 1921-22.”

Name..............................................

Address...........................................

“_Queen Summer Resort of the Northern Pines of Minnesota_”]

_Whiz Bang Bill Announces The Opening of the Queen Summer Resort of the Northern Pines of Minnesota_

The new summer home of Pedro, Marigold, Gus the hired man, and Ye Editor has been established among the big pines of northern Minnesota, on the sandy shore of Big Pelican Lake, and invites the summer vacationists to come and enjoy life in the open. Twenty new log cabins completely furnished for housekeeping, electric lights, running water, large cabin club house, bathing, canoeing, motor boating, fishing, trap shooting, wild game hunting in season, dancing, tennis and aerial sports. Breezy Point Aeroplane makes regular passenger flights from the Twin Cities to this oasis in the northern forest. Located 160 miles north of Minneapolis over the Jefferson Highway and the Minnesota Scenic Highway.

For further information write to

W. H. FAWCETT, _Owner_

Pequot or Robbinsdale, Minn.

_Everywhere!_

_Whiz Bang_ is on sale at all leading hotels, news stands, 25 cents single copies; on trains 30 cents, or may be ordered direct from the publisher at 25 cents single copies; two-fifty a year.