Chapter XII: Part THE FIRST: Printed and Sold in London (1)

This book is somewhat of a curiosity; it is the only one of its kind in the whole series of Chap-books, and has been several times reprinted in the country. It is illustrated, in every edition, with engravings which have no connection with the text, which, however, would be an impossible task, as the following page or so of the commencement will show. The frontispiece has nothing whatever to do with the book, but it is curious and valuable, as giving a representation of the ducking-stool. There are two parts, but they both consist of such rodomontade as the following:--

"It was the last Monday Morning about four o'clock in the afternoon before sun rising, going over Highgate Hill I asked him if the Old Woman was dead that was drowned at Ratcliffe Highway a few nights ago. He told me he could not tell, but if I went a little farther I should meet with two young men on horseback, riding under a mare, in a blue red jerkin and a pair of white freestone breeches, and they would give intelligence. So when I came up with the women they thought I was a Hector that was come to rob them and therefore ran to me, but I most furiously pursued before them, so that one of them for meer madness, seeing him dead, drew out his sword and directly killed him. The horse for vexation seeing himself dead ran away as fast as he could, leaving them to go on foot upon another horse's back forty miles--Friend, said I, I mean you no good, but pray inform me if the Old woman be dead yet that was drowned at Ratcliff Highway a fortnight ago? and they told me they could not tell; but if I went a little farther I should meet with two women driving an empty cartful of apples, and a Mill Stone in the midst, and they would give me particular intelligence--But when I came up with them they would not satisfy me neither; but told me if I went down to the waterside, there lived one Sir John Vang, and he would give me true intelligence. So going by the waterside, I hooped and hallowed, but I could make nobody see. At last I heard Six Country Lads and Lasses, who were all fast asleep playing at nine pins under a hay cock, piled up of pease straw in the midst of the Thames, and eating of a roasted bran pudding freezing hot," etc., etc.

THE WISE MEN OF GOTHAM.

Wright, in his "Early Mysteries," 1838, published some poems, by an anonymous writer, which he assigned to the thirteenth century, called "Descriptus Norfolciensum," by which it would appear that these tales had their origin in Norfolk; and the "Folcs of Gotham" are mentioned as early as the fifteenth century in the Townley "Mysteries." But be that as it may, "The Merie Tales" are undoubtedly the work of Andrew Borde, or Boorde, who lived in the fifteenth and sixteenth centuries. He was born at Holmesdale in Sussex, was educated at Oxford, and afterwards became a Carthusian monk. At the persecution, _temp._ Henry VIII., he escaped abroad, and travelled over many parts of Europe and some portion of Africa. He settled at Montpellier, became a physician, and practised as such on his return to England. For some reason, he was imprisoned in the Fleet, where he died, April, 1549. There are two black-letter editions without dates, and there is one in the Bodleian library, with a woodcut of the hedging in the cuckoo, "The Merry Tales of the Mad Men of Gotham. Gathered together by A.B. of Physick Doctor," 1630; but Ant. à Wood, in his "Ath. Oxon." (Bliss, edition), says it was printed in the reign of Henry VIII.

Gotham is a village about six miles from Nottingham, and the name of the "Cuckoo bush" is still given to a place near the village.

THE

=Merry Tales=

OF THE

WISE MEN OF GOTHAM.

PRINTED AND SOLD IN ALDERMARY CHURCH YARD BOW LANE
LONDON.

TALE 1.

There was two Men of Gotham, and one of them was for going to Nottingham market to buy sheep; and the other came from the Market, and both met on Nottingham Bridge.--Well met, said one to the other, Whither are you going, said he that came from Nottingham; Marry, said he that was going thither, I am going to the market to buy sheep--To buy sheep! said the other, which way will you bring them home? Marry, said the other, I will bring them over this bridge--By Robin Hood, said he that came from Nottingham, but thou shalt not--By Maid Margery, said the other, but I will--You shall not, said the one. I will, said the other.

Then they beat their staves one against the other, and then against the ground, as if a hundred sheep had been between them. Hold then there said the one. Beware of my sheep leaping over the bridge, said the other--I care not said the one--They shall all come this way, said the other--But they shall not, said the one--Then said the other, if thou make much ado, I will put my finger in thy mouth. The Devil thou wilt said the one. And as they were in contention, another Wise Man that belonged to Gotham, came from the market with a sack of meal on his horse; and seeing his neighbours at strife about sheep, and none betwixt them, said he, Ah! fools, will you never learn wit! help me to lay this sack upon my shoulder; and they did so, and he went to the side of the bridge, and shook out the meal into the river, saying, How much meal is there in the sack, neighbours? Marry, said they, none.--By my faith, replies this Wise Man, even so much wit is there in your two heads to strive for that which you have not.

Now which was the Wisest of these three, I leave you to judge.

TALE 2.

There was a man of Gotham that rode to the market with two bushels of wheat, and because his horse should not be damaged by carrying too great a burden, he was determined to carry the corn himself on his own neck and still kept riding upon the horse until the end of his journey.--Now I will leave you to judge which is the wisest, his horse or himself.

TALE 3.

On a time the Men of Gotham fain would have pinned in the Cuckow, that she might sing all the year; all in the midst of the town they had a hedge made round in Compass, and got a cuckow, and put her into it, and said, Sing here, and you shall lack neither meat nor drink all the year--The Cuckow when she perceived herself encompassed within the hedge, flew away. A vengeance on her, said these Wise Men, we made not the hedge high enough.

TALE 4.

There was a Man of Gotham who went to Nottingham market to sell Cheese, and going down the hill to Nottingham bridge one of the cheeses fell out of his wallet, and ran down the hill. Whoreson, said the fellow, what can you run to the market alone?--I'll now send one after another; then laying down his wallet, taking out the cheeses, he tumbled them down the hill, one after another; some ran into one bush, and some into another; however he charged them to meet him in the market place--The man went to the market to meet with the cheeses, and staid till the market was almost over, then went and enquired of his neighbours, if they saw the cheeses come to market? Why, who should bring them? said one--Marry themselves, said the fellow, they knew the way very well--A vengeance on them, they run so fast I was afraid they would run beyond the market; I suppose by this time they are got as far as York:--so he immediately rode to York, but was very much disappointed; and to this day no man has ever heard of his cheeses.

TALE 5.

A Man of Gotham, bought at Nottingham market a trivet or bar iron, and going home with it, his shoulder grew weary of the carriage; he set it down, and seeing it had three feet, said Whoreson, thou hast three feet, and I but two, thou shalt bear me home, if thou wilt--so set himself down on it saying

Bare me along as I have bore thee,
For if thou dost not thou shalt stand still for me.

The Man of Gotham seeing that his trevit would not move, Stand still, said he, in the Mayor's name, and follow me if thou wilt; and I can shew thee the way.--When he went home, his wife asked him where the trivet was? he told her it had three legs, and he but two, and he had taught him the ready way to his house; and therefore he might come home himself if he would. Where did you leave the trevit? said the woman. At Gotham bridge, said he. So she immediately went and fetched the trevit, otherwise she must have lost it, on account of her husband's want of wit.

TALE 6.

A certain Smith of Gotham had a large wasp's nest in the straw at the end of his forge, and there coming one of his neighbours to have his horse shod, and the wasps being exceeding busy, the man was stung by one of them; and being grievously affronted, he said, Are you worthy to keep a forge or no, to have men stung with these wasps?--O neighbour, said the smith, be content, and I shall put them from their nest presently. Immediately he took a Coulter, and heated it red hot and thrust it into the straw, at the end of the forge, and set it on fire and burnt it up.--Then said the smith, I told thee I'd fire them out of their nest.

TALE 7.

One Good Friday the Men of Gotham consulted together what to do with their white herrings, red herrings, sprats, and salt fish, and agreed that all such fish should be cast into the pond or pool in the middle of the town, that the number of them might encrease against the next year. Therefore every one that had any fish left did cast them immediately into the pond--Then said one, I have as yet gotten left so many red herrings, Well, said another, and I have left so many whitings--Another immediately cried out, I have as yet gotten so many sprats left;--And, said the last, I have as yet gotten so many salt fishes, let them go together in the great pond without distinction, and we may be sure to fare like Lords the next year--At the beginning of the next Lent they immediately went about drawing the pond, imagining they should have the fish; but were much surprised to find nothing but a great eel. Ah! said they, a mischief on this eel, for he hath eaten up our fish. What must we do with him, said one to the other. Kill him, said one. Chop him in pieces, said another. Nay, not so, said the other, let us drown him.--Be it accordingly so, replied them all.--So they immediately went to another pond, and cast the eel into the water. Lie there, said these wise men, and shift for thyself, since you may not expect any help of us--So they left the eel to be drowned.

TALE 8.

On a time the men of Gotham had forgotten to pay their rent to their landlords, so one of them said to the other, To morrow must be pay day, by whom can we send our money that is due to our landlord? upon which one of them said, I have this day taken a hare, and he may carry it, for he is very quick footed. Be it so, replied the rest, he shall have a letter and a purse to put our money in, and we can direct her the right way. When the letter was written, and the money put in a purse, they immediately tied them about the hare's neck saying, You must go to Loughboro' and then to Leicester, and at Newark is our landlord; then commend us unto him, and there is his due. The hare, as soon as she got out of their hands ran quite a contrary way--Some said, Thou must go to Loughborough--Others said, let the hare alone for she can tell a nearer way than the best of us--let her go.

TALE 9.

A Man of Gotham that went mowing in the meads, found a large grasshopper; he immediately threw down his scyth, and ran home to his neighbours, and said that the devil was there in the field, and was hopping amongst the grass. Then was every man ready with their clubs and staves, with halberts and other weapons to kill the grasshopper. When they came almost to the place where the grasshopper was, said one to the other, Let every man cross himself from the Devil, for we will not meddle with him--So they returned again and said--We were blest this day that we went no farther--O ye cowards! said he that left his scyth in the mead, help me to fetch my scyth. No, answered they, it is good to sleep in a whole skin; it is much better for thee to lose thy scyth than to marr us all.

TALE 10.

On a certain time there were twelve men of Gotham, that went to fish, and some stood on dry land. And in going home, one said to the other, We have ventured wonderfully in wading, I pray God that none of us come home to be drowned--Nay, Marry, said one to the other, let us see that, for there did twelve of us come out--Then they told themselves, and every one told eleven. Said the one to the other, There is one of us drowned. They went back to the brook where they had been fishing and sought up and down for him that was drowned, making great lamentation.

A Courtier coming by, asked what it was they sought for, and why they were sorrowful? Oh! said they, this day we went to fish in the brook; twelve of us came out together, and one is drowned--Said the Courtier, tell how many there be of you. One of them said eleven, and he did not tell himself. Well, said the Courtier, what will you give me and I will find the twelfth man. Sir, said they, all the money we have got. Give me the money, said the Courtier, and began with the first, and gave him a stroke over the shoulders with his whip, which made him groan, saying Here is one; and so he served them all, and they all groaned at the matter. When he came to the last, he paid him well, saying Here is the twelfth man.--God's blessings on thy heart, said they, for thus finding our dear brother.

TALE 11.

A Man of Gotham riding along the highway, saw a cheese, so drew his sword and pricked it with the point in order to take it up. Another man came by, and alighted, and picked it up, and rode away with it. The man of Gotham rides back to Nottingham to buy a long sword to pick up the cheese, and returning to the place where the cheese did lie, he pulled out his sword, and pricking the ground, he said, if I had this sword at the first, I should have gotten the cheese myself, but now another has got it from me.

TALE 12.

A Man of Gotham who did not love his wife, she having fair hair, her husband said divers times, He would cut it off, but durst not do it when she was awake; so resolved to do it when she was asleep: therefore one night he took up a pair of sheers and put them under his pillow, which his wife perceiving, said to one of her maids, Go to bed to my husband, for he thinks to cut off my hair to-night; let him cut off thy hair, and I will give thee as good a kirtle as ever thou didst see. The maid did so, and feigned herself asleep; which the man perceiving, cut off the maids hair and wrapped it about the sheers, and laid them under his pillow and went to sleep; then the maid arose and the wife took the hair and sheers and went into the hall, and there burnt the hair. The man had a fine horse that he loved much; and the good wife went into the stable, cut off the tail of the horse, wrapping the sheers up in it, and then laid them under the pillow again. Her husband seeing her combing her head in the morning, he marvelled very much thereat--The girl seeing her master in a deep study, said, What the Devil ails the horse in the stable, he bleeds so prodigiously? The man ran into the stable, and found the horse's tail was cut off; then going to his bed, he found the sheers wrapped up in his horse's tail. He then went to his wife, saying, I cry thee mercy, for I intended to have cut off my horses tail. Yea, said she, self do, self have--Many men think to do a bad turn but it turneth oftimes to himself.

Tale 13 is rather too broad in its humour to be reproduced.

TALE 14.

A Man of Gotham took a young buzzard, and invited four or five gentlemen's servants to the eating of it; but the old wife killed an old goose and she and two of her gossips eat up the buzzard, and the old goose was laid to the fire for the gentlemen's servants. So when they came and the goose was set before them, What is this? said one of them. A fine buzzard, said the man. A buzzard! said they, why it is an old goose, and thou art a knave to mock us; and in anger departed home.

The fellow was very sorry that he had affronted them, and took a bag, and put in the buzzard's feathers; but his wife desired him before he went to fetch her a block of wood, and in the intrim, she pulled out the buzzard's feathers, and put in the gooses. Then the man taking the bag went to the gentlemen's servants, and said, Pray be not angry with me; you shall see I had a buzzard, for here be the feathers. Then he opened the bag and shook out the goose's feathers. They said, Why thou knave, could you not be content to mock us at home but art come here to mock us? The one took a cudgel and gave him a dozen stripes, saying, Heretofore mock us no more.

Tale 15 is too silly, and not worth reproducing.

TALE 16.

A young man of Gotham went a wooing to a fair maid; his mother warned him before hand, saying, whenever you look at her, cast a sheep's eye at her and say, How dost thou do, my sweet pigsnie![14] The fellow went to the butchers shop and bought seven or eight sheeps eyes; and then when this lusty wooer was at dinner, he would look upon his fair wench, and cast in her face a sheep's eye, saying how do you do, my sweet pigsnie?--How do you do, swine's face? said the wench; what do you mean by casting a sheep's eye at me?--O sweet pigsnie, have at thee another.--But I defy thee, swine's flesh, said the wench.--What, my sweet old pigsnie be content, for if you live till next year, you will be a foul sow.--Walk knave, walk, said she, for if you live till next year, you will be a fool.

[Footnote 14: A term of endearment, generally used towards a
young girl:

"And here you may see I have
Even such another,
Squeaking, gibbering, of everie degree.
The player fooles dear darling _pigsnie_
He calls himselfe his brother,
Come of the verie same familie."
TARLTON'S _Horse Loade of Fooles_.

Chaucer, in "The Milleres Tale," says--

"Hire shoon were laced on her legges hie;
She was a primerole (primrose), a piggesnie."
]

TALE 17.

There was a man of Gotham who would be married, and when the day of marriage was come, they went to church. The priest said, Do you say after me. The priest said say not after me such words but say what I shall tell you--Thou dost play the fool to mock with the Holy Bible concerning Matrimony. Then the fellow said, Thou dost play the fool to mock with the Holy Bible concerning Matrimony. The priest could not tell what to say, but answered, what shall I do with this fool? And the man said, What shall I do with this fool.--So the priest departed, and would not marry him--But he was instructed by others how to do and was afterwards married--And thus the breed of Gothamites has been perpetuated even unto this day.

TALE 18.

There was a Scotchman who dwelt at Gotham, and he took a house, a little distance from London, and turned it into an inn, and for a sign he would have a Boars head; accordingly he went to a Carver, and said, Make me a Bare heed. Yes, said the Carver. Then says he, Make me a bare heed and thous have twenty pence for thy hire. I will do it, said the Carver.--So on St. Andrew's day, before Christmas the which is called Youl in Scotland, the Scot came to London for his Boar's head to set up at his door. I say, to speak, said the Scotchman, hast thou made me a bare's heed. Yes, said the Carver. Aye then thous a good fellow. He went and brought a man's head that was bare, and said here is your bare head! Aye, said the Scot, the mickle devil! is this a bare heed? Yes, said the carver. I say, said the Scotchman, I will have a bare heed, like a heed that follows the sow that has gryces. Sir, said the Carver, I don't know a sow and gryces. What! whoreson, know you not a sow that will greet and groan, and her gryces will run after and cry Aweek, aweek. O, said the Carver it is a pig--Yes said the Scotchman, let me have her heed made in timber, and set on her scalp, and let her sing, whip, whire. The Carver said he could not.--You whoreson, said he, gang as she'd sing Whip, whire.--This shews that all men delight in their fancy.

TALE 19.

In old times, during these tales, the wives of Gotham got into an alehouse, and said, They were all profitable to their husbands; which way, good gossips? said the alewife.--The first said, I tell you all, good gossips, I can brew or bake, so I am every day alike; and if I go to the alehouse, I pray to God to speed my husband, and I am sure my prayers will do him more good than my labour. Then said the second, I am profitable to my husband in saving candle in the winter; for I cause my husband and all my people to go to bed by daylight, and rise by the same.--The third said, I am profitable in sparing bread, for I drink a gallon of ale, care not how much meat and drink at home, so I go to the tavern at Nottingham and drink wine and such other things, as God sends me.--The fourth said, A man will for ever have more company in another's house than his own, and most commonly in an alehouse. The fifth said, My husband has flax and wool to spare, if I go to other folks houses to do their work.--The sixth said, I spare both my husbands wood and coals, and talk all the day at other folks fire. The seventh said, beef, mutton and pork are dear, wherefore I take pigs, hens, chickens, conies which be of a lower price.--The eighth said I spair my husband's lie and soap, for whereas I should wash once a week, I wash but once a quarter; then said the alewife, and I keep all my husband's ale that I brew from sowering, for, as I used to drink it most up, now I never leave a drop.

TALE 20.

One Ash Wednesday the Minister of Gotham would have a Collection of his parishioners, and said unto them, My friends the time is come that you must use prayer, fasting and alms; but come ye to shrift, I will tell you more of my mind; but as for prayer, I don't think that two men in the parish can say half the Pater Noster. As for fasting, ye fast still, for ye have not a meal's victuals in a year. As for alms deed, what should they do to give that have nothing to take? But as one came to shrift and confessed himself to have been drunk divers times in the year, but especially in Lent: the priest said In Lent you should most refrain from drunkenness and refrain from drink--No, not so, said the fellow, for it is an old proverb that fish would swim. Yes, said the priest--it must swim in the water; I say you mercy, quoth the fellow, I thought it should have swum in fine ale, for I have been so.--Soon after the man of Gotham came to shrift, and even the priest knew not what penance to give; he said, If I enjoin prayer, you cannot say your Pater Noster. And it is but a folly to make you fast, because you never eat a meals meat. Labour hard and get a dinner on Sunday, and I will come and partake of it--Another man he enjoined to fare well on Monday, and another on Tuesday, and one after another, that one or the other would fare well once in a week, that he might have part of their meat. And as for alms deeds the priest said, ye be beggars all except one or two so therefore bestow your alms among yourselves.

FINIS.

JOE MILLER'S

_JESTS_

BEING

A COLLECTION

OF

The most Brilliant JESTS and most pleasant
short Stories in the English Language--

_The greater Part of which are taken from the Mouth of that
facetious Gentleman whose Name they bear_.

PRINTED AND SOLD IN LONDON

JOE MILLER

Was a comedian, born 1684, died August 15, 1738; but, although he might have originated the jests, he did not collect them, which was done by John Mottley, a dramatist, in 1739. Miller was buried in St. Clement's burial-ground, in Portugal Street, Clare Market--now destroyed--and his tombstone was to be seen in 1852. Part of his epitaph was--

"HERE LYE THE REMAINS OF
HONEST JO. MILLER
WHO WAS
A TENDER HUSBAND
A SINCERE FRIEND
A FACETIOUS COMPANION
AND AN EXCELLENT COMEDIAN," etc.

Hogarth is said to have engraved a ticket for his benefit on April 25, 1717, when he played Sir Joseph Wittol in Congreve's "Old Batchelor."

All jokes marked with an asterisk are in the first edition, but the book has been somewhat expurgated.

"Joe Miller going with a friend one day along Fleet Street, and seeing old Cross the Player, who was very deaf, and unwilling that any one should know it, on the other side of the way, told his friend he should see some Sport; so beckoning Cross with his finger, and stretching open his mouth as wide as ever he could, as if he halloed to him, though he said nothing; the old fellow came puffing from the other side of the way. What a pox do you make such a noise for, do you think one can't hear?

* "Joe Miller another day sitting in the window at the Sun tavern in Clare Street, while a fish woman was passing by, crying, Buy my soul--buy my maids! Ah! you wicked creature, said Joe, are you not content to sell your own soul, but you must sell your maid's also.

"A person of quality coming into a church where several of his ancestors lay buried, after he had praised them very much for worthy men, Well, said he, I am resolved, if I live, to be buried as near them as possible.

"One man told another who used not to be clothed very often, that his new coat was too long for him; That's true answered the other, but it will be longer before I get another.

* "A poor man who had a termagant wife, after a very long dispute, in which she was resolved to have the last word, told her, if she spoke another crooked word more he would beat her brains out: Why then, Ram's Horns, you dog, said she if I die for it.

"A certain Country Squire asked a Merry Andrew why he played the fool? For the same reason, said he, as you do, for want; you do it for want of wit, I for want of money.

* "A Welshman bragging of his family, said, that his father's effigy was set up in Westminster Abbey; being asked whereabouts, he said, In the same monument with Squire Thynne, for he was his coachman.

"A very harmless Irishman was eating an apple pie with some quinces in it. Arrah now, dear honey, said he, if so few of these quinces give such a flavour, how would an apple pye taste made all of quinces.

* "An Irish lawyer of the Temple having occasion to go to dinner, left this direction in the keyhole; Gone to the Elephant and Castle, where you will find me, and if you cannot read this, carry it to the stationer's and he will read it for you.

* "Two Oxford Scholars meeting on the road with a Yorkshire ostler, they fell to bantering him; and told him, That they would prove him to be an horse or an ass, Well, said the ostler, I can prove your saddle to be a mule. A mule, said one of them, how can that be? Because said the Ostler, it is something between a horse and an ass.

* "The Chaplain's boy of a man of war, being sent out of his own ship on an errand to another, the boys were conferring notes about their manner of living. How often do you go to prayers now? Why, answered the other, in case of a storm or the apprehension of any danger from an enemy. Aye, said the first, there is some sense in that; but my master makes us go to prayers when there is no more occasion for it, than for my leaping overboard.

* "King Henry VIII. designing to send a nobleman on an embassy to Francis I. at a very dangerous juncture, he begged to be excused, saying, Such a threatening message to so hot a prince as Francis I. might go near to cost him his head. Fear not said old Harry: if the French King should offer to take away your life, I will revenge it by taking off the heads of the Frenchmen now in my power.--But of all these heads, replied the Nobleman, not one would fit my shoulders.

* "A prince laughing at one of his nobles whom he had employed in several embassies, told him he looked like an owl. I know not, said the Courtier, what I look like; but this I know, that I have had the honour several times to represent your Majesty's person.

* "A Mayor of Yarmouth, in antient times, being by his office a justice of the peace, and one who was willing to dispense the laws in the wisest manner, though he could hardly read, got himself a statute book, where finding a law against firing a beacon, or causing one to be fired, read it, Frying bacon or causing it to be fried; and according went out the next night upon the scent, and being directed by his nose to the Carriers house he found the man and his wife both frying bacon, the husband holding the pan, while the wife turned it. Being thus caught in the fact and having nothing to say for themselves his worship committed them both to prison without bail or mainprize.

* "A gentleman who had been a shooting brought home a small bird with him, and having an Irish servant, he asked him if he had shot that little bird? Yes, he told him. Arrah, by my shoul, honey, replied the Irishman, it was not worth the powder and shot, for this little thing would have died in the fall.

* "The same Irishman being at a tavern, where the Cook was dressing some Carp, he observed some of the fish moved, after they were gutted and put in the pan, which much surprised honest Teague.--Well, now by my faith, said he, of all the Christian creatures that ever I saw, this same carp will live the longest after it is dead.

* "A young fellow riding down a steep hill, doubting if the foot of it was boggish, called out to a clown that was ditching, and asked if it was hard at the bottom? Aye, answered the countryman, it is hard enough at the bottom, I will warrant you. But in half a dozen steps the horse sunk up to the saddle girts, which made the young gallant whip, spur, curse, and swear; Why you whoreson of a rascal, said he to the ditcher, didst thou not tell me that it was hard at the bottom? Aye, said the ditcher, but you are not halfway to the bottom yet.

* "An Englishman and a Welshman disputing in whose Country was the best living; said the Welshman, there is such noble housekeeping in Wales, that I have known above a dozen cooks to be employed at one wedding dinner. Aye, replied the Englishman, that was because every man toasted his own cheese.

* "One losing a bag of money of about Fifty pounds, between the Temple Gate and Temple Bar, fixed up a paper, offering a reward to those who took it and should return it. Upon which, the person that had it came and wrote underneath it to the following effect: Sir, I thank you for the offered reward, but indeed you really bid me to my loss.

* "A very humourous countryman having bought a barn in partnership with a neighbour of his, neglected to make the least use of it, while the other had plentifully stored his part with corn and hay. In a little time the latter came to him, and conscientiously expostulated with him about laying out his money to so little purpose. Why, neighbour, said he, pray never trouble your head, you may do what you will with your part of the barn, but I will set mine on fire.

* "The famous Tom Thynne, who was remarkable for his good housekeeping and hospitality, standing one day at his gate in the Country, a beggar came up to him and craved a mug of his small beer. Why, how now, said he, what times are these, when beggars must be choosers! I say, bring this fellow a mug of strong beer.

* "A profligate young Nobleman being in company with some sober people, desired leave to toast the Devil. The gentleman who sat next to him, said he had no objection to any of his Lordship's particular friends.

* "A certain Lady of quality, sending her Irish footman to fetch home a pair of new stays, strictly charged him to take a coach if it rained, for fear of wetting them. But a great shower falling, the fellow returned with the stays dripping wet; and being severely reprimanded for not doing as he was ordered, he said he had obeyed his orders. How then, answered the lady, could the stays be wet if you took them into the coach with you? No replied honest Teague, I know my place better, I did not get into the Coach, but rode behind, as I always used to do.

"Two honest gentlemen, who dealt in brooms, meeting one day in the street, one asked the other, how the devil he could afford to undersell him as he did, when he stole the stuff, and made the brooms himself? Why, you silly dog, replied the other, I steal them ready made.

"A cowardly servant having been out a hunting with his master, they killed a wild boar. The fellow thinking the boar stirred, betook himself to a tree; upon which his master called to him, and asked him, what he was afraid of, as the boar's guts were out? No matter for that, said he, his teeth are in.

"One Irishman meeting another, asked, what was become of their old acquaintance Patrick Murphy? Arrah! now, dear honey, answered the other, he was condemned to die, but he saved his life by dying in prison.

"One asked his friend, why he, being such a proper man himself, had married so small a wife? Why, friend, said he, I thought you had known that of evils we should chuse the least.

"Two gentlemen, one named Chambers and the other Garret, riding to Tyburn, said the first, This would be a pretty tenement, if it had a garret. You fool, says Garret, don't you know there must be Chambers first.

"Two Irishmen having travelled on foot from Chester to Barnet, were much tired and fatigued with their journey, and the more so when they were told that they had still ten miles to London. By my shoul and St. Patrick, cries one of them, it is but five miles apiece, let's e'en walk on.

* "A country clergyman meeting a neighbour who never came to church although an old fellow about sixty, he gave him some reproof on that account and asked him if he never read at home? No, replied the clown, I cannot read. I dare say, said the parson, You don't know who made you? Not I, in troth, said the countryman. A little boy coming by at the time--Who made you, child? said the parson. God, sir, said the boy. Why, look you there quoth the clergyman, are you not ashamed to hear a child five or six years old tell me who made him, when you, who are so old a man, cannot? Ah! said the countryman it is no wonder that he should remember; he was made but the other day, and it is a long while, measter, since I was made."

A

WHETSTONE

FOR

DULL WITS

OR A

=Poesy=

OF NEW AND INGENIOUS

_RIDDLES_

Of Merry Books this is the Chief,
'Tis as a purging Pill;
To carry off all heavy Grief
And make you laugh your Fill

PRINTED & SOLD IN LONDON

Question. Into this world I came hanging,
And when from the same I was ganging,
I was cruelly batter'd and Squeez'd,
And men with my blood, they were pleas'd.

Answer. _It is a Pipping pounded into Cyder._

Q. A Wide Mouth, no ears nor eyes,
No scorching flames I feel--
Swallow more than may suffice
Full forty at a meal.

A. _It is an Oven._

Q. Tho' of great age
I'm kept in a Cage
Having a long tail and one ear,
My mouth it is round
And when Joys do abound
O' then I sing wonderful clear.

A. _It is a Bell in a Steeple; the Rope betokens a Tail, & the Wheel an ear._

Q. The greatest travellers that e'er were known
By Sea and land were mighty archers twain;
No armor proof, or fenced walls of stone,
Could turn their arrows; bulwarks were in vain.
Thro' princes courts, and kingdoms far and near,
As well in foreign parts as Christendom,
These travellers their weary steps then steer,
But to the deserts seldom come.

A. _'Tis Death and Cupid, whose arrows pierce thro' the walls of Brass or strong Armour in all Courts and Kingdoms in the habitable World._

Q. Two Calves and an Ape
They made their escape
From one that was worse than a spright;
They travell'd together
In all sorts of weather
But often were put in a fright.

A. _'Tis a Man flying from his scolding wife; the two Calves and an Ape, signify the calves of the legs and the Nape of his neck, which by travelling was expos'd to the weather._

Q. A thing with a thundering breech
It weighing a thousand welly,
I have heard it roar
Louder than Guys wild boar,
They say it hath death in its belly.

A. _It is a Cannon._

Q. It flies without wings,
Between silken strings
And leaves as you'll find
It's guts still behind.

A. _It is a Weaver's Shuttle._

Q. Close in a cage a bird I'll keep,
That sings both day and night,
When other birds are fast asleep
It's notes yield sweet delight.

A. _It is a Clock._

Q. To the green wood
Full oft it hath gang'd,
Yet yields us no good
Till decently hang'd.

A. _It is a hog fattened with Acorns, which makes good bacon when hanged a drying._

Q. Rich, yellow, and bright,
Long, slender and white,
Both one in another there are;
Now tell unto me,
What this Riddle may be,
Then will I your wisdom declare.

A. _A Diamond ring on a Lady's finger._

Q. A Visage fair
And voice is rare,
Affording pleasant charms;
Which is with us
Most ominous
Presaging future harms.

A. _A Mermaid, which betokens destruction to Mariners._

Q. To ease men of their care
I do both rend and tear
Their mother's bowels still;
Yet tho' I do,
There are but few
That seem to take it ill.

A. _'Tis a Plough which breaks up the bowels of the Earth for the sowing of Corn._

Q. By sparks in lawn fine
I am lustily drawn,
But not in a chariot or Coach;
I fly, in a word,
More swift than a bird,
That does the green forest approach.

A. _An Arrow drawn in a Bow by a Gentleman Archer._

Q. By the help of a guide
I often divide
What once in a green forest stood;
Behold me, tho' I
Have got but one eye,
When that is stopt I do the most good.

A. _A Hatchet, with which they cleave Wood; till the Eye is stopped with the Haft, it cannot perform business._

Q. My back is broad, my belly is thin,
And I am sent to pleasure youth;
Where mortal man has never been
Tho' strange it is a naked truth.

A. _A Paper Kite which mounts the lofty air._

_THE TRUE_

TRIAL

OF

UNDERSTANDING:

OR

=Wit Newly Reviv'd=

BEING A BOOK OF

RIDDLES

Adorned with Variety of

PICTURES.

New Riddles make both Wit and Mirth,
The Price of a Penny, yet not half the Worth.

By S. M.

PRINTED AND SOLD IN
LONDON.

Q. Tho' it be cold I wear no cloaths,
The frost and snow I never fear,
I value neither shoes nor hose,
And yet I wander far and near;
Both meat and drink are always free,
I drink no cyder, mum, nor beer,
What Providence doth send to me
I neither buy, nor sell, nor lack.

A. _A Herring swimming in the Sea._]

Q. Once hairy scenter did transgress,
Whose dame, both powerful and fierce,
Tho' hairy scenter took delight
To do the thing both fair and right,
Upon a Sabbath day.

A. _An old Woman whipping her Cat for Catching Mice on a Sunday._

Q. Promotion lately was bestow'd
Upon a person mean and small;
Then many persons to him flow'd,
Yet he return'd no thanks at all;
But yet their hands were ready still
To help him with their kind good will.

A. _It is a Man pelted in the Pillory._

Q. There was a sight near Charing Cross,
A creature almost like a horse;
But when I came the beast to see,
The head was where the Tail should be.

A. _A Mare tied with her tail to the Manger._

Q. As I walked thro' the street,
It was near twelve o'clock at night;
Two all in black I chanc'd to meet,
Their eyes like flaming fire bright.
They passed by, and nothing said,
Therefore I was not much afraid.

A. _Two long lighted Links carried along the street._

Q. Three men near the flowing Thames,
Much pains and labour they did take
They did both scratch and claw their wems,
Until their very hearts did ache.
It is as true as e'er was told,
Therefore this riddle now unfold.

A. _Three Fidlers in Thames Street, who played up a bridegroom in the Morning, who gave them nothing to drink._

Q. There is a steeple standing fair,
'Tis built upon a rock of care,
Therein a noise both fierce and shrill,
Tho' here was neither clock nor bell.

A. _An old woman scolding in a high crown'd Hat._

Q. My weapon is exceeding keen,
Of which I think I well may boast,
And I'll encounter Colonel Green
Together with his mighty host.
With me they could not then compare,
I conquer them both great and small,
Tho' thousands stood before me there
I stood and got no harm at all.

A. _A Man mowing of Grass with a Scyth, which took all before it._

Q. I saw five birds all in a cage,
Each bird had but one single wing,
They were an hundred years of age,
And yet did fly and sweetly sing.
The wonder did my mind possess,
When I beheld their age and strength;
Besides, as near as I can guess,--
Their tails were thirty feet in length.

A. _A Peel of Bells in a Steeple._

_The whole Trial and Indictment of_

SIR JOHN BARLEYCORN, KNT.

_A Person of noble Birth and Extraction and well known by
Rich and Poor throughout the Kingdom of Great Britain; Being
accused of several Misdemeanours, by him committed against his
Majesty's Liege People; by killing some, wounding others, and
bringing Thousands to Beggary, and ruins many a poor family._

Here you have the substance of the Evidence given in against him on his Trial; with the Names of the Judges, Jury and Witnesses. Also the comical Defence Sir John makes for himself, and the Character given him by some of his Neighbours, namely Hewson the Cobler, an honest Friend of Sir John's, who is entomb'd as a Memorandum, at the Two Brewers in East Smithfield.

_Taken in Short Hand by Thomas Tosspot, Foreman of the Jury._

LICENSED AND ENTERED ACCORDING TO ORDER.

THE

Arraigning and Indicting

OF

SIR JOHN BARLEYCORN, KNT.

_Newly Composed_

BY A WELL WISHER TO SIR JOHN,
AND ALL THAT LOVE HIM.

PRINTED AND SOLD IN ALDERMARY CHURCH YARD
LONDON.

This Chap-book not only contains the following ballad, but sets forth the offences of which Sir John is guilty, and witnesses are called to prove them. They consist principally of his making people quarrelsome, etc. For the defence it is asserted that "there is not such another in the land that can do what he can and hath done for he can make a cripple to go, he can make a coward to fight with a valiant soldier; nay he can make a good soldier to feel neither hunger or cold." It is needless to say he is triumphantly acquitted.

"A NEW SONG.

"_To the Tune of Old Sir John Barleycorn, Or Jack of all Trades._

"All you that be good fellows,
Come listen unto me,
If that you love the alehouse
And merry company.

"Attend unto my story,
It makes my heart full sorry,
Which I fear is too true
And many doth it rue.

"'Tis of a gallant noble Knight,
Which many know full well,
An honest man, I witness can,
If I the truth may tell.

"His name is Sir John Barleycorn,
Who makes both beer and bread,
What would do all that now are born,
If Barleycorn was dead?

"For as I abroad did walk,
I heard a piteous cry,
And many a man did talk
That Barleycorn must die,

"His enemies increase so fast,
At board, and eke at bed,
I fear their malice will not cease,
Till they cut off his head.

"For Smut the honest blacksmith,
With many tradesmen more;
And Snip the nimble Taylor,
Doth vow that he shall die.

"And Will the Weaver doth complain,
With many thousands more;
I hope their labour is in vain,
Therefore they may give o'er.

"Yet now awhile give ear,
You that are standers by,
And you presently shall hear
Sir John condemned to die.

"All you that love poor Barleycorn,
A good word for him give,
And he that speaks against him,
I wish he may not live."

The foregoing is nothing like so witty, or funny, as the Black-Letter ballad. A copy is in the British Museum (Rox. i. 343), which, although it has been reprinted, is not generally known, and is too good to lose.[15]

"A pleasant new Ballad to Sing both Even and Morne,
Of the bloody Murther of Sir John Barleycorne.

"To the tune of _Shall I lye beyond thee_.

"As I went through the North Countrey,
I heard a merry greeting,
A pleasant toy, and full of joy,
two noble men were meeting.

"And as they walked for to sport,
vpon a Sommers day,
Then with another noble man
they went to make a fray.

"Whose name was sir John Barleycorne
he dwelt down in a dale;
Who had a kinsman dwelt him nigh
they cal'd him Thomas Goodale.

"Another named Richard Beere,
was ready at that time;
Another worthy Knight was there,
call'd sir William White Wine.

"Some of them fought in a blacke Jacke,
some of them in a Can;
But the chiefest in a blacke pot,
like a worthy noble man.

"Sir John Barleycorne fought in a Boule
who wonne the victorie;
And made them all to fume and sweare
that Barleycorne should die.

"Some said kill him, some said drowne,
others wisht to hang him hie;
For as many as follow Barleycorne
shall surely beggers die.

"Then with a plough they plowed him vp
and thus they did deuise,
To burie him quicke within the earth
and swore he should not rise.

"With horrowes strong they combed him
and burst clods on his head:
A joyfull banquet then was made,
when Barleycorne was dead.

"He rested still within the earth
till raine from skies did fall
Then he grew vp in branches greene,
which sore amazed them all.

"And so grew vp till Midsommer,
which made them all afeard;
For he was sprouted vp on hie
and got a goodly beard.

"Then he grew till S. James tide
his countenance was wan,
For he was growne vnto his strength,
and thus became a man.

"With hookes and sickles keene,
into the field they hide,
They cut his legs off by the knees,
and made him wounds full wide.

"Thus bloodily they cut him downe
from place where he did stand,
And like a thiefe for treachery,
they bound him in a band.

"So then they tooke him vp againe
according to his kind;
And packt him vp in seuerall stackes
to wither with the wind.

"And with a pitchfork that was sharpe,
they rent him to the heart,
And like a thiefe for treason vile
they bound him in a cart.

"And tending him with weapons strong,
vnto the towne they hie,
And straight they mowed him in a mow
and there they let him lie.

"Then he lay groaning by the wals,
till all his wounds were sore;
At length they took him vp againe
and cast him on the floore.

"They hyred two with holly clubs,
to beat on him at once,
They thwacked so on Barlycorne
that flesh fell from the bones.

"And then they tooke him vp againe
to fulfill womens mind
They dusted and they sifted him,
till he was almost blind.

"And then they knit him in a sacke
which grieued him full sore;
They steep'd him in a Fat, God wot,
for three dayes space and more,

"Then they tooke him vp againe,
and laid him for to drie,
They cast him on a chamber floore,
and swore that he should die.

"They rubbed and they stirred him
and still they did him turne,
The Malt man swore that he should die
his body he would burne.

"They spightfully tooke him vp againe
And threw him on a kill:
So dried him then with fire hot,
and thus they wraught their will.

"Then they brought him to the mill,
and there they burst his bones,
The Miller swore to murther him
betwixt a pair of Stones.

"Then they tooke him vp againe,
and seru'd him worse than that
For with hot scalding liquor score
they washt him in a Fat.

"But not content with this, God wot,
that did him mickle harme,
With threatning words they promised
to beat him into barme

"And lying in this danger deep
for feare that he should quarrell,
They took him straight out of the fat
and tunn'd him in a barrell.

"And then they set a tap to him,
euen thus his death begun;
They drew out euery drain of blood,
whilst any drop would run,