Chapter II: FOOL.--If I were a doctor

DOCTOR.--I should endeavour to be a fool.

F.--You would fail; folly is not easily achieved.

D.--True; man is overworked.

F.--Let him take a pill.

D.--If he like. I would not.

F.--You are too frank: take a fool's advice.

D.--Thank thee for the nastier prescription.

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FOOL.--I have a friend who--

DOCTOR.--Stands in great need of my assistance. Absence of excitement, gentle restraint, a hard bed, simple diet--that will straighten him out.

F.--I'll give thee sixpence to let me touch the hem of thy garment!

D.--What of your friend?

F.--He is a gentleman.

D.--Then he is dead!

F.--Just so: he is "straightened out"--he took your prescription.

D.--All but the "simple diet."

F.--He is himself the diet.

D.--How simple!

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FOOL.--Believe you a man retains his intellect after decapitation?

DOCTOR.--It is possible that he acquires it?

F.--Much good it does him.

D.--Why not--as compensation? He is at some disadvantage in other respects.

F.--For example?

D.--He is in a false position.

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FOOL.--What is the most satisfactory disease?

DOCTOR.--Paralysis of the thoracic duct.

F.--I am not familiar with it.

D.--It does not encourage familiarity. Paralysis of the thoracic duct enables the patient to accept as many invitations to dinner as he can secure, without danger of spoiling his appetite.

F.--But how long does his appetite last?

D.--That depends. Always a trifle longer than he does.

F.--The portion that survives him--?

D.--Goes to swell the Mighty Gastric Passion which lurks darkly Outside, yawning to swallow up material creation!

F.--Pitch it a biscuit.

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FOOL.--You attend a patient. He gets well. Good! How do you tell whether his recovery is because of your treatment or in spite of it?

DOCTOR.--I never do tell.

F.--I mean how do you know?

D.--I take the opinion of a person interested in the question: I ask a fool.

F.--How does the patient know?

D.--The fool asks me.

F.--Amiable instructor! How shall I reward thee?

D.--Eat a cucumber cut up in shilling claret.

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DOCTOR.--The relation between a patient and his disease is the same as that which obtains between the two wooden weather-prophets of a Dutch clock. When the disease goes off, the patient goes on; when the disease goes on, the patient goes off.

FOOL.--A pauper conceit. Their relations, then, are not of the most cordial character.

D.--One's relations--except the poorer sort--seldom are.

F.--My tympanum is smitten with pleasant peltings of wisdom! I 'll lay you ten to one you cannot tell me the present condition of your last patient.

D.--Done!

F.--You have won the wager.

FOOL.--I once read the report of an actual conversation upon a scientific subject between a fool and a physician.

DOCTOR.--Indeed! That sort of conversation commonly takes place between fools only.

F.--The reporter had chosen to confound orthography: he spelt fool "phool," and physician "fysician." What the fool said was, therefore, preceded by "PH;" the remarks of the physician were indicated by the letter "F."

D.--This must have been very confusing.

F.--It was. But no one discovered that any liberties had been taken with orthography.

D.--You tumour!

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FOOL.--Suppose you had amongst your menials an ailing oyster?

DOCTOR.--Oysters do not ail.

F.--I have heard that the pearl is the result of a disease.

D.--Whether a functional derangement producing a valuable gem can be properly termed, or treated as, a disease, is open to honest doubt.

F.--Then in the case supposed you would not favour excision of the abnormal part?

D.--Yes; I would remove the oyster.

F.--But if the pearl were growing very rapidly this operation would not be immediately advisable.

D.--That would depend upon the symptomatic diagnosis.

F.--Beast! Give me air!

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DOCTOR.--I have been thinking--

FOOL.--(Liar!)

D.--That you "come out" rather well for a fool.

Can it be that I have been entertaining an angel unawares?

F.--Dismiss the apprehension: I am as great a fool as yourself. But there is a way by which in future you may resolve a similar doubt.

D.--Explain.

F.--Speak to your guest of symptomatic diagnosis. If he is an angel, he will not resent it.

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