Chapter I: Am Interested

Dear Sir, my faith in you is great,
Your honour long I've tested;
You are my customer, good Sir,
And I am _interested_.

To give you credit is my joy,
A joy sincerely breasted,
For twelve months, ay, for any date;
You see I'm _interested_.

And may you thrive, and in due time
Retire in comfort nested;
This is my fervent prayer, my friend,
For I am _interested_.

And may you have a plum or two,
In stock well sunk and vested,
To leave your worthy family--
I speak as _interested_.

What, "rather queer!" this fellow now
Must quickly be molested;
Write to him, Priggings, for you know
That I am _interested_.

Well, take his bill. Three months--no two;
Let it be well attested;
Now is the time to turn the screw,
For I am _interested_.

What, "no effects!" give him, no time,
But get the bill _protested_;
Such rascals must be quickly met,
When we are _interested_.

No cash!--well, write to Sniggs at once,
And let him be arrested;
To Banco Regis let him go,
For I am _interested_.

RULE XI.

DECIMALS.

Decimal Fractions are so called because the fractions are always tenths. They differ from Vulgar Fractions in this, that the denominator is not written, but a _point_ before it is used instead.

Decimals are best illustrated by tithes, which are general and universal tenths extracted in every part of "merry England." They are added, subtracted, multiplied, and divided like any other numbers, but to designate their value a _point_ is prefixed.

In tithes, as in decimals, the denominator does not appear; that is to say, the incumbent rarely lives at his incumbency. When tithes are to be added, taken, or subtracted, the titho_decimo point_ is used as his representative, namely, the POINT OF THE BAYONET.

To make a point of "doing good by stealth" is a national virtue; and among all other "points" in this uncertain world, the "point blank" is the most certain. This may be made with a _rifle_, when the pockets are to be _rifled_, either with or without a bayonet at the end of it. The _charge_ for spiritual care is best settled by a _charge of dragoons_; and a _discharge_ of clerical arrears by a _discharge of fire-arms_.[4]

[4] Whatever may be said of the mode of collecting tithes,
nothing can be said against the "right of tithe." The clergy
are the greatest sufferers, and no consummation is more
devoutly to be wished than an equitable adjustment. As
things are at present, the clergy do not get half their
dues, and these are obtained in a manner well calculated to
keep up the idea of a certain person shearing the hogs,
"great cry and little wool."

TO REDUCE MONEY WEIGHTS AND MEASURES TO DECIMALS.

Take a tithe-owner, a collector, a proctor's warrant, and a constable, and go in a body to the house of a Quaker, or the mud hovel of an Irish Catholic. Enter the house by means of a crow-bar. Take pigs, poultry, pots, pans, sticks, or rattletraps. Obtain an appraiser, call in a broker, and _divide the spoil_ by means of any number of vulgar fractions, called purchasers. Take the dividend, called plunder, and "pocket."

TO BRING DECIMALS TO THEIR PROPER VALUE IN WHOLE NUMBERS.

The proper value of a decimal is only to be ascertained by his _points_ of character, and they are to be found of full value in many parts of the kingdom, in the shape of worthy curates, and honest rectors and vicars, _dividing_ not their flocks, or the produce of their flocks, but their _own time_, _means_, and _money_, in the conscientious _discharge_ of their clerical duties.

RULE XII.

PRACTICE.

The Rule of Practice is indispensable in all our operations. It is in some degree the "ultimatum" of the preceding rules, for as the proverb says, "Practice makes perfect."

Nature is said to have begun the creation of "living infinities" by this rule, for in the words of the poet,

"She tried her 'prentice hand on man,
And then she made the lasses o."--BURNS.

Practice is thus divided into two kinds--the first called _Practice Preliminary_; the second is denominated _Practice in General_.

* * * * *

PRACTICE PRELIMINARY is experimental philosophy, or asking discount for a bill at 18 months; PRACTICE IN GENERAL taking in the flats. The one resolves itself into "_trying it on_," the other to "_clapping it on_."

"Trying it on" is an universal principle, from the old Jew salesman who asks four pounds for a thread-bare coat and takes four shillings; or the old cabbage woman who offers 3lbs. of "taters" for two pence and sells 7lbs. for three farthings; to the prime minister who asks _three_ millions of taxes, and expects _five_. The converse of this rule is, "Don't you wish you may get it."

Practice is performed by taking "aliquot parts;" to be a man of some "parts" is therefore necessary. The application of our "parts" to the science of L.S.D. with a view to their development and perfection, is the aim of the rule, and the "practice of Practice" is to show,

That the value of a thing
Is just the money it will bring;
For money being the common scale
Of things by measure, weight and rate,
In all affairs of Church and State,
And both the balance and the weight,
The only force, the only power,
That all mankind fall down before,
Which like the iron sword of kings,
Is the best reason of all things;
The Rule of Practice then would show,
The principles on which men "grow."
What makes all doctrines plain and clear?
A few odd hundreds once a year.
And that which was proved true before,
Prove false again?--Some hundreds more.

HUDIBRAS.

HULLA, BOYS, HULLA.]

GRAND CHORUS.

Hulla boys, Hulla boys,
Let the "belles" ring;
Hulla boys, Hulla boys,
So the Whigs sing.

The Council of State
In their heads have a crotchet,
In spite of lawn sleeves,
In spite of the rochet;

To put for a salvo
The nation in tune,
By keeping them singing
From July till June.

And who can sweet music
A moment despise?
For singing is better,
Far better than sighs.

To reconcile Chartists
To duties on corn,
We'll give them a flourish
Or two on the horn.

To strike all the grumblers
In factories mute,
We'll give them a solo
Each day on the _flute_.

Should the multitude ask,
By petition, a boon,
We'll grant them reply
Through our "Budget" _bassoon_.

And when they shall sicken,
And when they shall fret,
We'll soothe them like lambs,
With our State _clarionet_.

Should they from their chains
Endeavour to wriggle,[5]
We'll keep them in bonds
By a waltz on the _fiddle_.

They shall not despair,
Nor hang, drown, or strangle,
We Whigs will strike up
Our tinkling _triangle_.

And should this not do,
In arms should they come,
We'll frighten them soon
By a roll of the _drum_!

[5] I can't make wriggle rhyme to fiddle. I have sent it to
the prince of wrigglers, Lord B----, and to the prince
of fiddlers, Mr. P--, but they refer me to
Mr. Wordsworth.--T. W.

* * * * *

PRACTISING FOR THE ARMY.--As shooting and slaying are the legitimate objects of this profession, you cannot begin too early. The first instrument to be used is a _pea-shooter_; this is for the age P.C. previous to corderoys. The second is a _pop-gun_, indicating the age of breeches (and breaches). From this we arise to "sparrow-shooting," after the _ruse de guerre_ of the salt-box has been tried without effect. Being now grown bloody-minded, we go to that sanguiniferous-looking house at Battersea, called the Red House, (being of a blood colour, from the enormous slaughter committed near it,) and here we take lessons in pigeon-shooting. From hence to the Shooting Gallery, Pall Mall, we improve rapidly. A lieutenancy in the Guards is our next step. To this succeeds a dispute respecting the glottis of Mademoiselle Catasquallee, and "Chalk-Farm" or "Wimbledon Common" is the result; and here, unless courage should ooze out of our fingers' ends, we may stop; our courage is apparent, and for the future we may shoot with the "long-bow" to all eternity without fear of contradiction.

* * * * *

PRACTISING FOR THE PROFESSION.--"Cutting up" and "Cut and _come_ again," are the maxims of the surgeon; and as no trade or profession can live except by the adoption of the "_cutting_ system," and if a man cannot _cut_ a figure, he will assuredly _be cut_ by his acquaintance, surely the art should be thoroughly studied. As a preliminary step, Burking and body-snatching must be mastered; and then you may go snacks in a "subject," and take your "loin of pauper," "leg of pauper," or "shoulder of beggar," or "rump of beggar," or "sirloin of alderman," or "fore-quarter of citizen," or "hand and spring" of beadle or bellman. Or should your taste be fastidious, you may take a "fillet of cherrybum;" or club for a "sucking-kid." On these _practise_ till you are perfect; and should it so happen that any of the personages above-named should turn out to be related by consanguinity, be as stoical as a reviewer, and make no bones of cutting-up (if necessary for science) your own father.

* * * * *

PRACTISING FOR THE MINISTRY.--The aspirant for the "tub," "born in a garret, in a kitchen bred," commences his spiritual career by announcing to the elect that he is almost sure that he has had a call (caul), for he has heard his mother say he was _born with one_. He may next exhibit his buffetings with Satan by showing the marks of the beast, in the shape of double-dealing, pettifogging, shuffling, cutting and cheating; he may next venture on the _new birth_.

He now attempts open-air preaching on Kennington Common, and exhibits spiritual rabidity in good earnest. He foams at the mouth, barks and bites, and yells in his ravings; calls himself from a pig to a dog, and from a dog to no gentleman. What is he? "A bundle of filthy rags," "a whited sepulchre," "a cancerous sore," a "sink of pollution," "a mass of corruption," "a cesspool," "a common sewer," "a worm," "a scorpion," "a snake," "a spider," "an adder." He may also charge himself with murder, abomination, witchcraft, lying, and every vice denounced in the Decalogue, on the principle of "the greater the sinner the greater the saint."

Having thus initiated himself into the spiritual fraternity, he may write a work to prove that the "Church damns more souls than she saves."[6] He then mounts the rostrum as a burning and a shining light. He deals in brimstone, wholesale, retail, and for exportation. Now he unites his spiritual with secular power, and mixes parliamentary logic with divinity, electioneering squibs with "Hymns of the Chosen;" makes Lucifer cuckold, and swears himself his true liege man on the cross-buttock of a radical candidate. He now receives the degree of D.D. from a Scotch university, for 7_l._ 13_s._ 6_d._, and begins to feel as "big as bull-beef;" his lank hair curls; he has red velvet cushions to his tub; he begowns and belappets himself; he looks on all sides for an half-idiot heiress, or infatuated widow in a state of fatuity, and marries. Thus he jumps into his bishopric, makes religion a "good spec," till it is found out he has had "two wives" before, and a variety of miniature portraits of himself:--and thus ends his PRACTICE.

[6] A favourite maxim with a certain reverend city orator,
formerly a "grocer," and still a "grosser" man than his
neighbours.

RULE XIII.

BARTER--BUYING AND SELLING--PROFIT AND LOSS.

Man is a "forgiving animal," and this is a better definition of him than Plato's "biped without feathers," which the plucked cock demonstrated. Man is the only animal which strikes a bargain. A dog does not exchange a bone with another dog; and however skilful he may be at a steak, he is not at all clever at this sort of "_chop_."

"Our _chops_ are our masters," says Hobbes; and it is all "a matter of wittles," says Sam Weller. Hence arise the art and mystery of _swapping_, _buying_, and _selling_, and the notion of _trade_ and _commerce_.

England is _per se_ a nation of shopkeepers--we do every thing upon the principle of small profits and quick returns. To barter the national honour is legitimate policy; to sell up our enemies has been a practice since the days of the Plantagenets.

"Jocky of Norfolk, be not too bold,
For Dickon thy master is bought and sold."

Hence we can always buy our enemies, if we cannot beat them. Buonaparte, according to the radicals, was _sold_ at Waterloo; we have been recently sold to the Russians; and thus British gold has been always more powerful than British steel.

* * * * *

D'ye buy, d'ye buy, d'ye buy,
A sheep's head or a lamb's eye.

Ten thousand thanks will be given to any influential gentleman who will procure the advertiser a place of commensurate value under government: an under lord of the treasury, a commissioner of excise, a distributor of stamps, a head clerkship, or any other situation, in which the principal duties are to receive the salary.

* * * * *

Here is your lolly pops and real
Wellington brandy balls, sixteen a penny
As long as there is any.

Appointments in the army secured without risk, loss, or trouble to the purchaser. Cornetcies, Ensigncies, Lieutenancies, Colonelcies, to be disposed of, at the lowest possible prices. Also a few cast-off ribbons, stars, spurs, and garters, to be had a bargain.

* * * * *

One a penny buns,
Two a penny buns;
One a penny,
Two a penny,
Hot cross buns.

The next presentation to a valuable rectory, to be had for a song. A title for orders, "cheap as dirt." Degrees may be obtained of A.M., LL.D., D.C.L. and D.D., on reasonable terms; and livings wholesale, retail, and for exportation. Apply at the "Bottle-nose Head," York; or at the "Frigasseed surplice," Canterbury.

* * * * *

Here's your spiced gingerbread,
All hot, all hot;
Taste 'em and try 'em,
Before you buy 'em;
All hot, all hot, all hot.

Comfortable and respectable sittings at Beelzebub Chapel, Brimstone Alley, St. Luke's, under an able minister, by the quarter, month, or year. Pews to hold eight, 2_l._ 12_s._ 6_d._ per annum; single sittings, 10_s._ The _Pew_seyites will have the right of _election_ and other privileges.--N.B. No connexion with the parish church next door.

* * * * *

Cat's meat, dog's meat;
Dog's meat, cat's meat.

To be sold, peremptorily, the property of a gentleman about to travel, (once a rum cove, now a Sidney cove,) a five-year old hunter, the most splendid horse in Europe, with grand action. Got by _Spavin_ out of _Roarer_, grandsire _Glanders_, grandam _Botts_, warranted sound and without fault; (blemishes are not faults, but misfortunes;) gentle to ride, quiet to drive, warranted to _do_ fourteen stone, or any other weight. Price 120 guineas.--No abatement.

* * * * *

To the highest bidder,
Here's your rich and ripe faggots,
A penny a piece, a penny a piece;
Here's your savory faggots.

Sale by auction, in Smithfield. Without reserve. A most eligible and desirable lot. Coming in low. Parasol, bustle, and baggage included. My better half. Weight, sixteen stone. Has taken the lead at All Max. Temper, mild (horse-radish). Eloquence, Broughamatic. Voice, Saffernhillish. Person, Nixmydollyish. Talons, cataclawdish.--No abatement.

* * * * *

The idea of trade and commerce naturally leads us to the consideration of the sublime science of Political Economy, which endeavours to dogmatize that profound conundrum, that the natural _rate of wages is that which barely affords the labourer the means of subsistence_, and of continuing the race of labourers--meaning thereby, the starvation point at which a labourer can be worked. It is assumed that the labourer has so much work in him, and the problem is to draw it out at the least possible cost--of whip or legal enactment--or police forces or military expenditure.

Another leading doctrine of the political economists is, the fatal necessity of starvation. It is maintained, and that seriously, that "God, when he made man, intended that he should be starved;" that human fecundity tends to get the start of the means of subsistence; that the former moves as 2, 4, 8, 16, 32, 64; but the latter only as 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8. The consequence drawn from this proposition is, that poor-laws, or any efforts of charity, are only a childish indulgence of feeling; for since there will be a surplus number, who must at all events be starved, if the life of one is saved by charity, whether public or private, it is only that another may be starved in its stead. Hence the perishing of annual multitudes may be looked upon as a proof of the national wealth; and the poor-law system, and the Queen's Letter, but so much concern utterly useless; and the only remedy for our abundant population is for us to return to the system of the ancients, and legalize a few Herods, or, to go further back, to make every man a Saturn--the eater of his own children.

RULE XIV.

DISCOUNT.

Discount is the allowance made to a person, for paying money _before it is due_; so says Walkinghame; but there are now few persons who commit so egregious a folly, the plan being not to pay until it has been due a long time, and then get discount as for ready money.

The usual manner of settling accounts in the City is to purchase for _ready money_; to give a bill at three months, which is to be considered as equal to ready money; and when the bill becomes due to give--the cash? No! but another bill at _five_ months. This is called _cash payments_.

Leaving the City, as being "vulgar," let us look at discount by the broad light of Universality. Discount means something "taken off," or reduced by so much, or decreased _in value_, or lessened.

A man is said to be at a discount on 'Change, when he has no change at the Bank; when he has no banker in the City; when "no effects" is written on his "mandible:"--at Almack's, when he ceases to invite dinner eaters; among the ladies, when grey hairs and crows' feet make their appearance, and teeth their disappearance.

* * * * *

PAR, above _par_, below _par_. We are at par, when in that blessed state of equanimity found in perfection at a Quakers' meeting; above par, when floundering about in champagne; and below par, when cooling down on water gruel and Seidlitz.

Examples of discount at the present moment are too numerous to mention. Every thing seems at a discount; _radicals, dissenters, theatricals, fine arts, scientificks, trade, commerce, manufactures_. Asses' heads alone are looking up.

RULE XV.

INVOLUTION AND EVOLUTION.

Involution and Evolution are two rules of arithmetic which signify getting _in_ and getting _out_. Involution signifies such matters as getting in love, getting into a lawsuit, or getting into debt. It is the rule of entanglement, and is represented by a fly in a spider's web.

Evolution comprehends all the tricks, shifts, schemes, and stratagems, by which we get out of our various difficulties; but it may be observed that it is much easier to become involved in any matter, than to get disentangled: whatever may be our evolutions, it is a difficult matter to get out of love, out of a law-suit, or out of debt.

LAW EVOLUTION--GETTING INTO A LAW-SUIT.

"Will you walk into my office," said the lawyer, Mr. Sly,
"'Tis the prettiest little office that ever you did spy.
The way into my office is by a winding stair,
And I've a many funny things to show you when you're there."
"But I have heard," the client said, "you sport a web and chain,
And he who in your office gets comes not out clear again."

"I'm sure you must be weary, friend, of everlasting dunning;
Come, rest upon my legal wit, my gammon, and my cunning.
I'll get your debt at little cost, so only let me do it;
Or else perhaps the chap will break, and you will have to rue it."
"I'd rather not--I'd rather not," the wary client said;
"For I did never like to throw 'good money after bad.'"

"Leave all to me," the lawyer now with eloquence replied;
"A fig for costs, your case is clear, and you have _me_ beside;
I'll take the case at any odds, and rather be dependent
Upon the issue of the whole--that is, on the defendant."
"Well, try it on," the client said, "you are a lad of wax;
So stick to him with tape and string--succeeding, we'll go snacks."

Then in the legal mesh and web of cunning Mr. Sly,
The client now was fairly caught as any little fly;
And round him twined all legal quirks, and briefs a dozen quire,
Writ, declaration, cognovit, bail, habeas, præmunire.
"You've lost the cause!" the client cried--"the loss to you, not me."
"Hum, ha--but stop a bit," said Sly--"stop, stop, and we shall see."

The lawyer mended now his web, and thread by thread he lengthened;
Made closer every mesh and hole, and every corner strengthened.
"The cause is lost, and you must pay--_I bargained if I gained it_;
You cannot think on other terms that I could have sustained it."
So round the hapless wretch he threw a law cord strong and good;
And thus he held it, hard and fast, and sucked his client's blood.

GETTING INVOLVED, OR IN DEBT.

The ways of getting into debt are multiform. To be _involved_ is _patriotic_, _fashionable_, _genteel_, and _sentimental_. To pay is _vulgar_, _inconvenient_, and _unpopular_. The man who lives within his _means_ is never considered to have any _means_. A man in debt possesses an interest and an importance truly pleasurable. It is surely something to know that in your little self a hundred are subject to hopes, fears, anxieties, speculations, aspirations, and a world of such like poetry. The greater the number of creditors, the greater must be the sensation produced; and the production of a sensation is every thing in fashionable society.

The old proverb was, "Out of debt out of danger;" but modern arithmetic teaches, "_In_ debt _out_ of danger;" the law of debtor and creditor being fashioned according to this maxim, which is now the Lex Scripta of the courts. To be over head and ears in debt, is the best security; "debt is the safest helmet." To be not worth powder and shot, or to make believe you are not, is the best method of keeping on the wing. It requires, however, some curious _evolutions_ to enable an empty sack to stand upright.

LOVE EVOLUTION, OR GETTING IN LOVE.

This is an involuntary process, and an entanglement equally powerful with the meshes of the law. In this case, however, the pleasure increases with the entanglement, as the fly said in the honey-pot. The arms of a fair lady are the softest bonds; the poison of a maiden's lip the sweetest poison. To be in love is to be entangled in a cobweb of ten thousand ecstasies, where every string is bliss, and every mesh is beauty. In this web, Cupid sits as an angel in one corner, and Hymen on the other; thus bound with sighs, tied with kisses, linked by embraces, chained by tears, lovers disport themselves; till Hymen, in fear that they should die of ecstasy, tightens the web, and binds them hand and foot in the true lover's knot of matrimony.

PARLIAMENTARY EVOLUTION.

RULE 1. Make up your mind to "go the whole hog" with your party.
2. Flatter, gammon, and gloze all parties.
3. Humbug your opponents, and cheat your supporters.
4. Make love to every prevailing vagary of the day, and coquet
with Mother Church, and her fantastical daughter,
Miss Dissent.
5. Promise every thing, perform nothing, and be the last year of
your parliamentary term a contradiction of the six preceding
years, so as to ensure another return.

HOW TO GET INTO PARLIAMENT.

Supposing yourself to be a green yokel, just raw from school, with little wit, little money, and little influence, act as follows:--

1. Marry for the sake of respectability and a little more money.

2. Give away soup to the poor, flannel petticoats, trusses, and baby linen.

3. Set up schools on the free system, "every boy his own archbishop:" Free-trade in religion, and no walloping.

4. Get into a squabble with your Rector, about free grace and non-election.

5. Write once a week in the dissenters' "slop pail," against clerical intolerance, tithe pigs, "red noses," round paunches, lawn sleeves.

6. Attend the jawy jobations of Exeter hall, as a "flowery speaker," and advocate various Jew, Gipsy, Voluntary Church, Anti-pseudo-baptistical Societies, till you are black in the face.

7. Join the Society for the Diffusion of Useless Knowledge, the Donkey Protecting Society, and other congenial "Institutes."

8. Build a chapel, and bribe a congregation to come to it. Become a teetotaller; be a betwixt and betweenish, half-and-half, out-and-out radical. Defeat the imposition of a Church rate--rave against the taxes--pledge yourself to support triangular parliaments, universal suffering--blindfold voting--and confusion to all order.

And thus get in, get in,
By clamour, bawl, and shout;
To tax 'em then begin;
Oh then get out, get out.

Get in, get in, get in,
Give place to sneak and lout,
And don't forget your kin;
Oh then get out, get out.

Get in, get in, get in,
Get jolly fat and stout,
And grind the people thin;
Oh then get out, get out.

Get in, get in, get in,
And turn and twist about,
Until some precious _shin_--
_Dy_--says, "Get out, get out."

RULE XVI.

DUODECIMALS;

OR,

THE MEASURING OF PAINTING, PLASTERING, JOINING, GLAZING, GLOZING, AND OTHER FLAT WORK.

Duodecimals teach us to find the superficial contents of any "thing." A thing is properly something, neither woman nor man; possessing all the superficial of either, and the substantials of neither: such as numbsculls, lordlings, quacks, empirics, &c.

Duodecimals also teach the mensuration of plastering, painting and glazing; which comprehend the arts of palaver and gammon, and the science of _Flattery_ in general.

This is, above all others, a "superficial age," and the mensuration of superficies is characteristic of the modern era--the age of meretricious flummery. Our science is superficial thinking; our morality, superficial blinking. Every thing is made now-a-days for the "surface," which, like the gilded wooden organ pipes, placed in front of that instrument, are not made to blow, but for the sake of show. In learning, we get a smattering instead of the real thing; and we drop the meat for the sake of the shadow. The deep and the solid have long ago been discarded: in short, this is the age of gammon, and society is like a quire of "outsides foolscap."

* * * * *

_Of Flat Surfaces._--A plane or flat surface has length and breadth without thickness. Flat surfaces are often made, by some peculiar property of polarized light, to reflect rays which do not belong to them. Thus, flats pass for solids, and "shallows" for "deep-uns."

RULE XVII.

BOOK-KEEPING AND ACCOUNTS.

Book-keeping is not to be understood only as the art of "Book-borrowing," a very good science in its way, but as the highest branch of the science of _leger_demain, invented for the express purpose of enabling the speculative to conceal their accounts, just as the use of speech is given to man to enable him to conceal his thoughts.

We have excellent directions given us on this head from very high authority, which is to be understood according to the Benthamite Philosophy. "How much owest thou my lord? And he said, A hundred measures of oil. Take thy bill, and sit down quickly, and write fifty." Hence the children of the philosophers are wiser than the children of light.

In "keeping books" it is not only indispensable that you should keep _them_, but that they also should "keep you." This is in accordance with the free-trade reciprocity system; and to enable them to do it requires but little tact. For instance, you open a shop--not for the purpose of doing _business_, but for _doing some unfortunate flat_, in the very spirit of a "_Good-will_;" so that when _your business is done_, your client may find _his business done too_, and when you have taken yourself _off_, he may find himself taken _in_. This example may be repeated any number of times.

Upon entering life, every young man must consider that it will be quite impossible to live without some "cash in hand;"--that he will, at times, be inevitably called upon to "_fork out_," "_dub up_," or "_come down_;"--and that in all transactions, such as swelling and dashing, cutting and flashing, it will be necessary to keep a sharp look-out upon the "blunt," tin, or pewter, as it is variously termed; if not for your own satisfaction, at least for your beloved father's, whom you are in duty bound to bamboozle. There are certain items which never need come into this account; namely, board, lodging, tailor's bills, boots, shoes, linen, horses, and such like necessaries; these belong religiously to the _old boy_, or are fit and proper matters for "whitewashing."

To fulfil this purpose, open a cash account, putting Dr. in the left hand corner, which signifies Dear Father, in honour of your respected parent, or in testimony that everything is dear; and Cr. on the right hand, which may signify "cruel little I have to spend." This is called the Waste Book. The items introduced are merely hints for the getting and disbursement of CASH.

WASTE-BOOK

----------------------------------------------------------------------
SIMON SAPSCULL CLUTCHINGS, IN ACCOUNT
----------------------------------------------------------------------

_Dr._

_May 1._
£ _s._ _d._

Out of the old chap, by wheedling and bullying 50 0 0

Out of the schoolmaster, after being in
Whitecross-street two hours 0 3 8

Out of mother, by way of bonus on "good nature." 10 0 0

Out of father, for charitable purposes. 20 0 0

Out of sister, to lend a friend in distress 20 0 0

Out of mother, another 20_l._--having lost the first
when carried home drowned, (good idea this,)
_Mem._ to be repeated. 20 0 0

_May 2._

Out of father, for divinity books, (sorry didn't get
more, as the old chap is so pleased to think I am
"preserved") 40 0 0

_May 3._

Out of mother, to invest on the sly in the 3½ per
cents. for herself 40 0 0

Borrowed of Jem 3 0 0

Balance due to me 56 3 0

-------------
£259 6 8
=============

----------------------------------------------------------------------
WITH HIS FATHER, FROM MAY 1 TO MAY 3.
----------------------------------------------------------------------

_Cr._

_May 1._
£ _s._ _d._

Paid at Shooting Gallery, and at the Fives' Court 4 16 0

For cigars, riding whip, Sporting Calendar, and Life
in London 2 10 0

For salve for the dog's tail, (burnt some time since) 1 10 0

Spent at Divan, Coal Hole, and at various places on
stroll 3 0 0

For Covent Garden Oyster Rooms, cigars, brandy,
champagne, and various other matters indistinctly
remembered 20 0 0

Relief to a poor young widow, soda water, and
restorative cordial to the dog 5 0 0

Paid Duncombe for books, according to father's
direction; Flash Lexicon, ditto Songster, ditto
Anecdotes, ditto Morality, ditto Divinity 4 0 0

_May 2._

Paid at Westminster pit, and loss on dog Billy 10 0 0

Cigars and coachman, for a turn with the ribbands 3 0 0

Turn out in post, breaking horses' knees, paid
horsekeeper 15 0 0

Cigars, sandwich, heavy wet, negus, brandy,
brandy-and-water, Welsh-rabbit, port, sherry,
waiters 5 0 0

At the Lowther--gloves, pumps, supper, bursting
waiter's tights, breaking glasses, negus, wine,
supper, brandy, soda water, brandy, wine, whisky,
brandy, claret 10 0 0

Tearing ladies' dress, spoiling gentleman's watch,
damaging ladies' false teeth, smashing fiddle, &c. 26 0 0

To a destitute mantua-maker 3 0 0

Worm pills for the dog 1 10 0

_May 3._

To soda water and brandy, brandy solus, Seidlitz,
vinegar and water, cab to Park, ditto to Colonnade 1 15 0

To rouge et noir, bagatelle, breaking cue, and losses
on learning French and Hebrew 50 10 9

To "Drury"--cigars, saloon, cab, brandy, Falstaff
Drawing Room, music, oysters, champagne, brandy,
damaging lady's bonnet, ditto gentleman's glass
eye, ditto whiskers, ditto lady's curls, ditto
curtains, ditto windows, ditto policeman's nose 76 14 10

Relief to a poor servant girl out of place 1 0 0

To Mrs. H. for her motherly care for next three days 15 0 0

To the pew-opener at church on Sunday 0 0 1
-------------
£259 6 8
=============

Having been thus initiated in the making out of personal accounts, the pupil must now turn his attention to the methods of Book-keeping adopted by "gentlemen in difficulties," connected with that peculiar process of law which professes to put new wind into a collapsed bladder, and enable an empty sack to stand upright. The example is called taking the "Benefit;" the principal part of which is making out a Schedule, which may be done as follows:--

STATEMENT OF MY PERSONAL AND GENERAL EXPENDITURE, VERIFIED BY OATH.

£ _s._ _d._
Paid for twinkling a bed-post 1 5 0
Spouting the tea-kettle 1 15 0
New teething the hair comb 1 10 0
Stopping holes in cullender 1 5 6
Pulling the gray hairs from hearth broom 0 15 0
Whitewashing inside of chimney 1 15 0
A Newgate-Calendar-novel, to soften
hard-hearted cabbages before boiling 1 11 6
Pectoral lozenges for short-winded bellows 0 8 6
1000 cigars, to smoke for cure of corns 12 10 0
Pigeons'-milk on the 1st of April 0 10 0
A leather saw 0 10 0
A worsted hatchet 0 10 0
New vamping and welting India-rubber
conscience 5 5 0
Loan to Thimble-Rig, Esq. 15 0 0
Ditto to Billy Blackleg 20 0 0
Ditto to Richard Roe 25 0 0
Ditto to John Doe 15 0 0
Ditto to Jack Noakes 40 0 0
Ditto to Tom Styles[7] 60 0 0
-------------
£204 10 6
=============

Notwithstanding the copious examples above given, there is one other kind of Book-keeping which can only be thoroughly understood by the first accountants, and is only practised by the first of practitioners. This is making up a book for the _St. Leger_, which is

LEGERDEMAIN COMPLETE.

[7] These loans are of course fictitious, but their signatures
may be valuable to get clear out.

_An Account of the Expenditure of the "Secret Service Money," from
1825 to 1841._
=======================================================================
£ _s._ _d._
Paid to Colonel Queerum, for a series of
Tricknometrical admeasurements of the length and
breadth of public credulity 1,000 0 0

To Captain Audacity, for endeavouring to determine
the "heights" of "impudence" in Whig Radicalism 1,000 0 0

To Colonel Feel-your-way, for surveying the Terra
Incognita of ways and means, per session 1,500 0 0

To Dr. Sapscull, for instructions in sapping and
mining the constitution 2,000 0 0

To Dr. Gammon, for moonlight lessons in the art of
Mystification and Jack-o'-Lanternism 500 0 0

To Dr. Lardner, for horizontal sections of the
broadest latitude of latitudinarian policy 1,000 0 0

To Lord Bumfiddle, for a series of impracticable
experiments in the House of Lords 5,000 0 0

To Lord Bumfiddle, for his project to light both
houses with "cats' eyes," to facilitate
legislation in the dark 2,000 0 0

To expenses of a tour to the Devil's Ace-à-Peak, to
discover the polarity of political consistency 3,000 0 0

To Dr. Bubblejock, for a new plan of making long
speeches out of soap bubbles 1,000 0 0

To Jack Pudding, for the sale of nostrums, "pitch
plasters," and hocusses 2,500 0 0

To Döbler, for instructions in legerdemain, sleight
of hand, and hocus pocus 1,000 0 0

To J. H. for his chemical extraction of the
blunderful from the public accounts 1,500 0 0

To a cargo of soap and soft sawder, to unite the
dissenters 500 0 0

To various sops thrown to the Irish hound
"Cerberus," on going into the Tartarus of a new
session 17,000 0 0

To Mesmerizing a Whig Lord, at stated intervals,
and for dust to throw into the eyes of the
Church 3,000 0 0

To Oliver Hill, for his plan of buying and selling,
and living by the loss 100 0 0

To Pawnbroker's interest on pawning the crown and
keeping the Queen in check 5,000 0 0

To pepper, mustard, Congreve rockets, and Spanish
flies, for seasoning speeches at public meetings 2,000 0 0

To 150 yards of new _spouting_ for Exeter Hall, and
for the repair of weathercocks at St. Stephen's 1,000 0 0

For putting a new bottom to the fundamental maxims
of English law, (paid by Sheriffs) 5,000 0 0

To a constant supply of "hot water" for both Houses,
and for the use of "cold water" to throw on
petitions 5,000 0 0

To Dr. Shuttlecock Casey, for his plan of "water
grueling" the poor, and "blowing up" schoolmasters
with "small beer" science 0 0 0¼

To "Hogs' Wittles," of various kinds, in the shape
of pamphlets, addressed to the swinish multitude 3,000 0 0

To Daniel O'Connell, for pulling the wires of the
political Punch and Judy, seven sessions 150,000 0 0

To Scott the diver, for going to the bottom of the
Exchequer bills affair, and reporting unsound 1,000 0 0

To Colonel Common Sense, for blowing up the wreck
of the "Impracticable," and reporting "safe
anchorage" (unpaid) 0 0 0
-----------------
£215,600 0 0¼
=================

RULE XVIII.

SOLID MEASURE.

We have already treated on "superficial measurement;" we now come to "Solid Measure." Solids are, in general, what are termed "blockheads," or "thickheads," or "bumbleheads," or "numbsculls," exemplified in "senior wranglers," "tripos," "professors of Greek," and teachers of Latin. The advantages of a thick scull are great. It was found upon the gauging of Porson's head, by the heads of his college, that his scull was so thick that it became the subject of marvel how knowledge could get in--once _in_, it was held impossible to get out. The case is the same with most of our schoolmen.

* * * * *

SOLID MEASURE has been applied with great success to the measure of blockheads by Messrs. Gull and Spuzzy, Epps, Ham and Co. The measure is now principally performed by a Scotch "Combe," consisting of four "bushel-heads" in one. This instrument, the length and breadth and thickness of a head being given, will work out the solid contents and capacity of the understanding, to the fraction of a fraction.

The science so formed upon the measure of wooden heads was invented by Albertus Magnus, who flourished in the thirteenth century and made a wooden man with a wooden head, dividing it into sixty-eight orders or ratios. Gull and Spuzzy, however, finding this large number bother them, took away thirty-three, _sans cérémonie_, observing, "Organum botheratio sive ambarum rationum mistura fortuita effervescens, bullas gignens." But the whole scull is now mapped out into thirty-six compartments, and subjected to a trigonometrical survey, and a barometrical admeasurement of comparative heights and hollows.

These divisions are so delightfully situated, that from Combativeness, the organ of fighting, we enter Friendship, (Adhesiveness,) without a turnpike between. Acquisitiveness, the love of money, is next-door neighbour to Ideality, the quality of poets, who generally show so much contempt for it. Constructiveness, the organ of building, lies as a foundation for that of Music, and handy for the grating of saws, the knocking of hammers, and the squeaking of wheelbarrows, as accompaniments to Haydn's symphonies. Metaphysics are also handy for wit. Ideality is a parallelopiped, Hope is a square, Cautiousness a circle, Eventuality a semicircle; then we have cones, rhomboids, trapeziums, polygons, hexagons, decagons; while Language, like the science itself, is all my _eye_.[8]

Thick-heads, block-heads, bumble-heads, or basket-heads, which used in former days to be symbols of obesity, and gave rise to the maxim, "Great head, little wit," are now the indications of intellectual superiority. "The bigger the head the greater the genius," as the mushroom said to the cucumber; and to have a head as big as a baker's basket, or the bustle of a lady mayoress, is perfection.

To fumble these heads is the business of the Feelosophers; so called from _feel_, to fumble, _os_, a bone, and _pher_, far from the truth. This science being at our fingers' ends, a great advantage is felt in all the transactions of life, as the most tender ideas maybe expressed with mathematical certainty, numerically, figuratively, and arithmetically, as follows:--

[8] Sir Walter Scott, in one of his walks, found a turnip,
resembling in some degree the bumble-head of a Scotch
feelosopher. He made a cast of it, and sent it to the
Phrenological Society of Edinburgh, who pronounced a long
dissertation upon it, and gave the moral and intellectual
qualities with extraordinary _correctness_.

A BUMPOLOGICAL LOVE-LETTER.

DIVINE LOUISA,

I need not remind you that last night I felt (not emotions, raptures, and soul-thrilling transports) but your BUMPS. On returning home I also felt my own, and I hasten to inform you that while 17 is throbbing like an earthquake, all my 33 is insufficient to describe my state, on finding that a kind Providence has ordained that for every _bump_ on your beloved head, there rises a corresponding bump on mine. I 18 you do not see them, and in 16 declare that my No. 11 only centres in you.

I do not wish to give a false 26 to what I say, but in the 30 of your becoming mine, my No. 1 will develop No. 2, and all my No. 3 will be directed to 14 for your 13. Dearest girl, need I say more? Nos. 2, 3, 4, are so harmoniously protuberant in both of us, that I can have no doubt of either a large or a happy home. Your 23 and 24, and the 26 on your cheeks, are indeed divine. Sweet soul, do allow your 13 to name as soon as possible your 31 and 27, that no untoward 30's may cross our 17's.

Yours, from 1 to 36,
BOBBY BUMPAS.

17 Hope.
33 Language.
18 Wonder.
16 Conscientiousness.
11 Love of approbation.
26 Colour.
30 Eventuality.
1 Amativeness.
2 Philoprogenitiveness.
3 Concentrativeness.
4 Adhesiveness.
14 Veneration.
13 Benevolence.
23 Form.
24 Size.
31 Time.
27 Place.

RULE XIX.

ASSURANCE--INSURANCE.

Assurance or Brass is a rule of the utmost consequence in all monetary transactions; by it miracles have been performed from the earliest ages. A good stock of assurance, _i. e._ _impudence_, will carry a man further than even a stock of money, wit, or learning. The _brazen_ head of Friar Bacon, by which he is said to have performed such wonders, was nothing more than a typical personification of the _brass_, _assurance_, or _impudence_ of the conjuror. The present _prima facie_ economic method is to wear a brazen face with a wooden head. _Mettle_, it is true, may be necessary, but "cheek" is indispensable.

Modesty is an antiquated virtue, to be repudiated above all others; and humility is only fit for charity-school boys, who learn the "catechiz." But even among these the notion of "humbly, lowly and reverendly," will soon be _exploded_ by the music and dancing system; the new philosophy of the times being, "Jack's as good as his master" and a "tarnation sight better;" every one feels this _assurance_.

Be assured, gentle readers, there is nothing like brass; it enables a man to put his best leg forward, and a good face upon any thing. Brass is the true philosopher's stone, which turns all it touches into _tin_. By it the insignificant makes himself important, the empiric becomes a professor, the smatterer a proficient, the mountebank a philosopher, and the quack an oracle; in short, by this rule, "fools rush in where angels fear to tread."

The rule of Assurance is founded upon the fact, that there are no bounds to human credulity; well sustained assumption, with a very small amount of _gumption_, being alone requisite for miracles in commerce, trade, politics, or religion.

EXAMPLES OF "ASSURANCE."

1. Calling on a friend in cold weather, make bold to "roast the boiling piece," by placing your fundamental basis before his parlour fire; lean your back against his "marble," scrape your shoes on his fender, and puff your cigar to the detriment of his elaborate ornaments and gimcracks; as to his wife and children being excluded from the fire, let that be "a part of your religion," _fieri facias_.

2. Should you be invited to dinner, when you enter the house, walk at once into the dining-room, and make yourself at home by pulling off your boots, calling for a clean pair of shoes, a newspaper, a cigar, and the arm chair; you may nod to the mistress of the house, and say "How do" to the juveniles, if you do not wish to be taken for a brute.

3. Should you call at the house of a friend, during his absence, do not hesitate to mount his best horse, and take a twenty miles' ride for the sake of exercise. When you return, you can "stop dinner" with his wife, and afterwards take her to the Opera.

4. On entering a country church, always patronise the clergyman's or the squire's pew; should any ladies be present, you may take out your eyeglass and quizz them with a vacant stare,--they will probably suppose you to be an unknown friend;--politely hand the fair devotees the prayer and hymn-book; you may also hum the bass in chords to the ladies' treble; when you depart, be sure to make a very low congee, as it will mark you for a gentleman.

5. Should you, by any chance, be introduced to a new acquaintance, you may, at the expiration of a week, _jerrymediddle_ him by the question--"You have not got such a thing as five pounds about you, have you?" A person, who prefers your society to solitude, can have no objection to a loan; you can then make yourself as scarce as asparagus at Christmas.

ASSURANCE COMPANIES.

Assurance is displayed to perfection in modern Assurance Companies; and it only requires _assurance_ to raise a company as baseless as the emasculated minus of No. I., and as fabrickless as a "footless stocking without a leg," which shall be eagerly taken by the public.

The following Prospectus, lately issued by a company in West Middlesex, will afford an example:--

To the Public.--West Middlesex. The Visionary Assurance Company
and Utopian Insurance, for the beneficial investment of capital,
the insurance of lives, and the manufacture of diamonds out of
condensed soap bubbles.

DIRECTORS.

His Grace the Duke of Humbug.
The Most Noble the Marquis of Bam.
The Most Noble Viscount Moonshine.
The Right Hon. the Earl of Flybynight.
The Hon. Mr. Hazy, Member for Airshire.
J. R. Phantom, Esq. M.P.
Botherum Babblem, Esq. M.P.
P. Q. R. Pocket, Esq. M.P.
Daniel Do-the-Flats, Esq.
R. Will-o'-the-Wisp, Esq. M.P.
F. Fleecemwell, Esq.
J. Jack-o'-Lanthorn, Esq. M.P.
Timothy Takemin, Esq.

AUDITORS.

John Noakes, Esq.
Gregory Gammon, Esq.
Thomas Styles, Esq.

SOLICITORS.

Tag-Rag, Bob-Tail and Co.

SECRETARY.

Simon Snuff and Twopenny.

* * * * *

Royal Flesh and Bones Joint Stock Matrimonial Assurance Company. Patron, Sir Peter Laurie.

The universal Uxorian, Matchmaking and Matchbreaking Company, for the equal and uniform benefit of Maids, Damsels, Wives and Widows.

LIVE STOCK AND CAPITAL.

FEMALE STOCK.

Schedule A.--

2,500 young maids, between 15 and 40.
2,500 damsels, of all ages.
2,500 widows.
2,500 old maids.

YOUNG MAIDS with face and fortune, 100; with face without fortune, 900; with fortune without face, 500; with neither face nor fortune, 1,000; damsels ditto, ditto, ditto, ditto, ditto.

WIDOWS with youth and money, 100; with youth and no money, 800; with money and no youth, 600; with neither youth nor money, 1,000.

OLD MAIDS, monied, 100; moneyless, 700; fidgety, with money, 700; fidgety, without money, 1,000.

MALE STOCK.

2,500 young men, between 25 and 60.
2,500 bachelors, above 60.
2,500 widowers.
2,500 old men.

YOUNG MEN with whiskers, mustachoes, money, and connexion, 100; young men with money and connexion, but without whiskers, &c. 800; young men with whiskers, &c., but without money, 1,000; young men without money or whiskers, 600.

BACHELORS with rheumatism and money, 500; without rheumatism and with money, 100; without money and with rheumatism, 700; with neither rheumatism nor money, 1,200.

WIDOWERS with families and money, 500; with money and without families, 100; with families and without money, 800; with neither families nor money, 1,100.

OLD MEN, also OLD WOMEN, 500 requiring nurses; 500 not requiring nurses; 500 old men-women requiring nurses; bed-ridden, 1,000.

It is proposed to form the company of the above "Live Stock," the members of which are each to possess a share in each other. The young maids' class, No. 1, beauty, rank, and fortune, being the highest prizes--there are supposed to be a hundred of such prizes. The second class of prizes is rich old widows, with short lives, of which there are also a hundred. The third class of prizes is rich old maids, of which there are also a hundred. The fourth class comprehends beauty and intelligence; the fifth, beauty only; and so on in a sliding scale, but all prizes.

The male stock also comprehends a reciprocity system of prizes:--1st class, of the whiskered; 2d, no whiskered; 3d, monied and whiskered; and so on to widowers, with or without families, down to that least of all valuable of the _genus homo_, old men-women.

RULES.

Each subscriber of a pound annually to have one ticket, which shall entitle him to draw for each of the prizes on the 1st of April in every year, at Exeter Hall, under a commission selected from the "Lumber Troop."

The parties so fortunate as to draw a prize will have an introduction to the subject of it, and a match will be negotiated, if possible, without delay. Should the parties not suit each other, they will, upon the payment of another guinea, be privileged to draw again. But it is assumed, from a careful examination of matrimonial statistics drawn up by Dr. Lardner, that the matter of suitability will never be taken into consideration.

To facilitate its objects, a Normal seminary will be attached to the society, and a registrar engaged to marry at a reduced price, "that is, by the score."

BILLY BLOWMETIGHT, _Secretary_.

RULE XX.

STOCKS, FUNDS, &c.

The monetary system of England is the ideal philosophy of political economists, who, in the conviction that "nothing exists," think it no "matter" to found a variety of hypotheses to give tangibility to the intangible, substance to accident, and reality to the abstract; in short, to personify "nothing."

These intangible tangibilities bear various names, such as _Consols_, _Bank Stock_, _Indian Stock_, _Long Annuities_, _Exchequer Bills_, &c. The aggregate of these 0 0 0 0 0 noughts are, by a peculiar process of national arithmetic, made to amount to _Stock_ or Funds.

Stocks or Funds are the true substantials. In the golden ages of the world, cattle, corn, and merchandise were the medium of exchange among nations; but as men grew more enlightened, they agreed to represent these things by pieces of conventional metal. This at last becoming scarce, the world would have fallen into a state of hapless and irrecoverable ruin, but for the idea of a fictitious representation of a representation, of a _non-existent_ which _might have been_.

Funds are therefore the _to kalon_, the absolute, the _logos_, the never-to-be-apprehended, the inscrutable, the supreme totality of "emptiness," the absolute cause, the absolute effect, the absolute concurrence of national faith; in short, the commercial "ideal" which all men worship, in its temples of the Bank and Stock Exchange.

Stocks are the "heaven of this religion," an agreeable hallucination, by which a variety of insane persons, called Stockholders or Fundholders, are permitted to roam at large under the conviction that they possess _wealth_. The public are compelled to believe in these fictitious representations, which are the foundation of the "imaginative system" in fiscal affairs, of the Bill and Credit system in commerce, and of the National Debt.

In England there is nothing truly _national_ but this debt, or dead weight, which is the mighty pendulum which makes the national clock "go upon tick." It is the true foundation of political economy and of social faith or trust; "'pon tick" is the basis of the wealth and happiness of our country, which it makes the envy of the world and the glory of surrounding nations.

To be in debt argues credit, and credit respectability, and respectability means, and means resolve themselves into _the Funds_; here they merge into the blessed obscurity of "nothingness," and being absorbed by the same media, pass for a "something" which is far more formidable than "anything." Thus private wealth moves in a circle continually, making the round O from 0 (nothing) to 0 (nothing.)

* * * * *

JOINT STOCK.--Joint Stock Companies are so called from the projectors being generally "black legs," and their victims "raw Jemmies." The object of such companies is to give honesty the "cross buttock," to have a "shind eye" with capital, and to end in an "offal" bankruptcy.

From a consideration of the immediately preceding rules, and assuming as a fact the spiritual and ethereal nature of stock or capital, it is therefore proposed to found a Joint-Stock Company of unlimited capital, to be called the Boreal Pneumatic Joint-Stock Company, for "raising the wind," and making "darkness visible," or the National "Puff" Company.

Raising the wind has been the great problem of all financial operations. It is of far more importance than "raising the dead." The "wind" is a conventional term for the "needful." It is called wind because it is raised by various "Puffs."

There are various kinds of Puff; the Puff National, the Puff Medical, the Puff Legal, the Puff Literary, the "Puff Theatrical," and the Puff Scholastic.

THE PUFF NATIONAL--A ROYAL SPEECH.

MY LORDS AND GENTLEMEN,--The flourishing state of my empire having filled me with the most intense satisfaction, I have called you together to inform you that we are the envy of the world and glory of surrounding nations, and that everything is so plentiful that pigs run about the streets ready roasted, with carving knives and forks stuck in their backs, crying, "Eat me, eat me!"

I continue to receive from foreign powers the most friendly intercourse, and an assurance that they have unanimously agreed to sink their own national interests in a regard for my welfare; and in this I am certain there is no "gammon."

The Commercial and Mercantile interests are in such a state of convalescent perfection, and gold is so plentiful, that I have ordered a commission to consider of the propriety of paving with it the various thoroughfares of the metropolis, in lieu of Blockheads.

Owing to a great improvement in Benevolent affairs, it is with pleasure I have to inform you that the Public Societies have given up their vested rights, dues, peculations, and pickings, for the benefit of the poor, (should there be any such,) and will henceforth "preach without Profit."

Owing also to the general distribution of wealth among all classes, I have been enabled to divest physic of its fees, and law of its charges; and both these professions will for henceforth be conducted "free gratis" and "for nothing."

* * * * *

GENTLEMEN OF THE HOUSE OF COMMONS,--Through the practice of the most rigid economy in every branch of my establishment, I have directed to be laid before you an account of the sums paid into the Exchequer, being the _surplus of my revenue_; and I have further to inform you that taxation being no longer necessary, the expense of a house of _com_mons may be dispensed with, and the large sums usually paid in "bribery at elections," I trust will be left to fructify in the pockets of the members.

This constitutional determination on my part, for the benefit of my people, has arisen from my being called, by Divine Providence, to a sense of my true estate of a State pauper, which has led me to reduce my dietary and that of my household to that of the _Poor-Law Unions_, and to introduce _teatotality_ into every department; and I have great gratification in being able to announce, that as I have now lost "having a _shadow_" to my royal personality, I may myself be shortly expected to evaporize, and the expense of a monarchy may be saved for the future.

* * * * *

MY LORDS AND GENTLEMEN,--With and by the advice of my Privy Council, I have determined upon putting into execution the _hydrostatic paradox_, or _cold water cure_, in and upon that part of my dominions called Ireland; and a commission consisting of the Lords Spiritual and Temporal has been issued for laying that "flower of the earth and gem of the sea" "_under water_" for the space of one month, as the best method of extinguishing the torch of discord, the fire of malevolence, and the smoke of sedition, and of allaying all ferment upon _Atlantic_ if not upon _pacific_ principles.

I rely confidently upon the wisdom of my Parliament to enable me to carry out my beneficent intentions of subjecting all my people to "live upon air," as the symbol of true freedom, and as the most liberal and inexpensive method of obviating the evils which have hitherto surrounded my throne and government; and I would submit to your serious consideration the expediency of establishing a training school at Exeter Hall, for teaching _wind instruments_ to all my subjects, and for the arrangement of _airs_ corresponding to the various _meals_, _feasts_, and _dishes_ of every day life; and I indulge the anticipation that the substitution of _oxygen_ for _oxen_, and _gas_ for _Gas_tronomy, will be conducive to the health, wealth, and prosperity of my empire.

THE PUFF SCHOLASTIC.

UNIVERSAL

School-Master's Manufacturing Company,

AND NORMAL SCHOOL.

CAPITAL--SPEC.

PATRON.

HIS ROYAL HIGHNESS HOKE POKE WHANGEE FUM.
King of the Cannibal Islands.

PRESIDENT.

SAMUEL SLICK, Esq. of Slickville.

VICE-PRESIDENTS.

JOHN SHEPPARD, Esq.
The Hon. MR. PICKWICK.
TIM BOBBIN, Esq.
JAMES CROW, Esq.
SAMUEL WELLER, Esq.
WILLIAM BLACK, Esq. alias "BLACK BILLY."

COMMITTEE.

DANIEL DUNCE, Esq.
GEORGE GREENHORN.
SAMUEL SPOONEY.
DARBY DOLLERHEAD, Esq.
FRANCIS FLAT.
STEPHEN STUTTERS.

This Company is established in consequence of the lamented deficiency in the scholastic profession; and its object is to manufacture schoolmasters of a very superior character, at a cheap rate, from various "refuse" articles of all trades and professions--technically, the "unfit" or _good-for-nothing_.

In consequence of a profound investigation of the science of education, it has been discovered that those who are unable to conduct any other business, are the best adapted to "teach the young idea how to shoot;" and therefore cast-off cobblers, tailors, teachers, and drapers, shop-boys and errand-boys, will be received into the establishment at the rate of a guinea a-week; where, by the aid of educational galvanism, their misdirected faculties will be sublimed, their ideas topsiturvied, their moral and intellectual nature turned inside out, their understandings new vamped, soled, and _welted_, and their minds infused with a succedaneum of intellectual electricity, which shall evaporate itself in the mixed mathematics, pedagogicks, whackbackics, pancakeatics, tickletobyatics, and all other scholastic sciences.

Candidates must bring personal recommendations, of a squint, a slouch, a leer, a game leg, a hump back, or any other accomplishments. Should they be unfortunately destitute of these, they may produce testimonials of fitness from their washerwomen; but those who do not indulge in the luxury of a clean shirt may be recommended by the teacher of any Social sect to which they may belong. These certificates must certify them to be bumble headed, addle-pated, numbsculled, good for nothing else; that they wear dickeys and are donkeys.

Upon entering the Institution the seminants will be forced to forget everything they ever knew, by a machine invented by Mr. Combe for "Razing out the errors of the brain," and which has been used with the happiest effects at the Glasgow Normal Establishment.--A perfect Tabla Rasa being thus produced in vacuo, on Locke's principle, the professors will commence teaching their pupils to know a great A from a bull's foot, how many beans make five, and other branches of the pure mathematics.

As all the seminants will be _naturals_, Natural Philosophy will be a principal object of study, and the mechanical system of Dr. Lardner will be the text-book. History will be imparted through the renowned histories of "Jack the Giant Killer," "Jack and the Bean Stalk," "The Ogre and his Seven-leagued Boots," and the "Newgate Calendar," under the superintendence of John Ketch, Esq.; Morality and Esthenics through the medium of "Ovid's Art of Love," "Basia," and "Little's Poems;" while the Principles of Science will be imparted through the "Boxiana," by Professor Cribb, assisted by the celebrated Scotch terrier, "Fudge."

Religion being in the highest degree essential, it cannot be dispensed with without endangering the safety of the Company. But as there are so many different sects of religionists, and so many differences in the sects, it is proposed to teach religion by machinery, on the comprehensive accommodation principle of expediency, by means of one of Cobbett's cast-iron Independent parsons, which, being constructed upon the profoundest principles of neutrality, will satisfy all parties, by teaching every religion at the same time, and none in particular: thus Atheism and Methodism may shake hands together, Mahommedanism and Calvinism embrace, and Buddhism and every other schism kiss each other in the true spirit of Christian liberality and equality.

Degrees will be granted to those pupils who may distinguish themselves in flagellation, or a dexterous use of the cat or tawse, or by proficiency in the evolutions of cane, strap, or ruler; the degree of P.W., Professed Walloper, being equal to that of A.M.

(Signed)

The Right Rev. ROB. TAILOR,
The Right Hon. P. CLEAVE,
The Very Rev. ROB. CARLISLE,

SIMON SQUEERS,
_Secretary_.

THE PUFF NOVEL.

We are requested to announce that the new Novel, called the "BLOODY-MINDED COSTERMONGER, or the DONKEY'S APOTHEOSIS," having experienced a sale unprecedented in the annals of Literature, a new edition is in preparation, worked by steam apparatus, to supply the astounding demand, and will be issued on Saturday next.

"This extraordinary work is creating a sensation the most intense, as it completely daguerreotypes nature, penetrates the feelings like the electric shock, macadamises the heart, and cuts the soul to shivers."--_The Censor_.

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NEW NOVEL BY "SNIVIE." Written seven months after his decease, by the aid of the galvanic apparatus.--It having come to the ears of an experimental philosopher, La Fontaine, that this great author was no more, and it being justly surmised that a very large amount of Novel matter must remain in his _system_, La Fontaine undertook the task of extracting it by means of the mesmeric process, and has succeeded with wonderful effect. In performing his numerous experiments the flashes of wit were so intense as to overpower the anxious publisher, who, in the intensity of his admiration, has paid so large a sum for the copyright as to be enabled to add to the character of the work by charging double.

THE PUFF THEATRICAL.

It is with the most astounding rapture that the Manager of the Theatre Royal, Drury Lane, has to announce that the new tragedy of "Chandos the Briber, or the Independent Potwalloper," which met with the most transcendent success on its first representation, has been recharged by the Author with pathetic scenes and tender situations, abounding with the most overpowering sentiment and overwhelming pathos. The Manager regrets that the cascades of tears which fell from the boxes and gallery during the last representation should have inconvenienced the "critics in the pit," and begs to inform them that, for the future, they shall not sit ankle deep in the "briny flood," he having, at a prodigious expense, and by the aid of a distinguished engineer, succeeded in forming a grand branch aqueduct, which will receive through the floor of the house "Nature's gentle droppings," and, by an appropriate channel, transmit them to the back of the stage to a grand reservoir. Thus, the last scene of the tragedy, which represents the bombardment of Stow House by Norfolk dumplings, will be represented on "real salt water;" the said salt water being an accumulation of the tears shed at the preceding scenes of the tragedy.

N. B. It is particularly requested that ladies or gentlemen in the boxes will refrain from wringing out their pocket handkerchiefs over the pit, and that those in the front ranks will discontinue the practice of "hoisting umbrellas," which must obviously obstruct a view of the stage.

THE PUFF MERCANTILE.

Reform your Tailor's Bills.--Clothes saved and Tailors annihilated. "_In puris naturalibus._" "Where there is no sin there should be no shame."--Cool contrivance for warm weather, the fig-leaf apron, the oldest garment upon record, or the sacred tunic. This unique and perfect introduction, formed of the common dock, having been patronised by the highest authority, will be supplied to all who value cool comfort and free motion of the limbs, at a guinea each. To the religiously-disposed it is particularly eligible, being the original antique of Adam and Eve, our first parents, the pattern of which was found in the archives of Strawberry Hill. It comes half way to the knee, hangs simply and elegantly before and behind, and may be had of various colours to suit the complexion. It cannot fail to display the fine form of the limbs, and imparts a degree of interest to the whole person not to be found in common pantaloons, and has the advantage of being adapted to both sexes. Observe,

=97 SMOCK ALLEY, SHOREDITCH. 97=

N. B. An inferior tunic of cabbage-leaves, half a guinea.

THE PUFF CLERICAL.

VOLUNTARY CHURCH-GOING COMPANY.

The lamentable neglect of public worship, which characterises the present generation, being such as to call for the most rigorous methods, and it having been discovered that fine and imprisonment are insufficient to make the people "religiously disposed," it is in contemplation to found a Society or Company which, reprobating the principle of coercion as unconstitutional in its means, futile in its ends, shall, by the mild suavity of enticement, induce the lower classes of this country to seek, on the Sabbath-day, in preference to all other places, the Conventicle.

But to do this effectually it will require a sum of considerable magnitude, which it is proposed to raise by "sequestration shares," comprising the amount of 20 millions sterling. The proceeds to be applied to the objects in view; namely, the establishment of cook-shops and dining-rooms in union with the various dissenting places of worship, to be free, gratis, and for nothing; and it is fondly anticipated that the savoury scents of the roast, and the boiled, the fried and the stewed, and the relish of pies and puddings, will be more efficacious in inducing the poor to attend to their religious duties than the red-hot denunciations formerly employed.

It is a fact too clearly established by the concurrent testimony of ages, that those who are _bred_ to the chapel expect the chapel to be _bread_ to them; and it is only fair that the poor and needy should stand in a congenial relative situation.

Subscribers are therefore earnestly solicited in aid of this great national object, as one of the best means to put a stop to the spread of infidelity, to destroy Socialism, to promote the practice of true _pie_ty, and thus add to the safety and security of the nation.

Names and Subscriptions are to be sent, addressed to Mr. Cullum Hordly, Gorgon-office, Fleet-street, London.

THE PUFF LITERARY.

OPINIONS OF THE PRESS.

"COMIC ARITHMETIC is the best work ever issued from the press; it is not only _multum in parvo_, but a _rara avis in terra_--a splendid ebullition of wit; and the diamond gems of humour which lie in its depths, sparkle with merriment as the stream of the Author's feelings glitters over it, rendering the sensations intense, heart-thrilling, and side-shaking."--_Defunct Gazette._

* * * * *

"COMIC ARITHMETIC.--If we wonder that the human mind could have conceived such a project, what must be our astonishment to find all its beatific visions realized, in such abundant corruscations of wit and drollery, which irradiate every page! It is equal in intellectual splendour to that mental Claude's, Robert Montflummery's poem, "The Last of the Gewgaws," and resembles Vauxhall on a gala night, or the illuminations of St. Peter at the Zollicogical Gardens."--_Imaginary Review._

* * * * *

"COMIC ARITHMETIC is a specific for the doldrums and a cure for the heart-ache; has been known to perform a perfect cure on dyspeptic patients at a single sitting; it is an anodyne for the gout, an assuager of rheumatism; it may be called an electrical merry-thought, or the galvanism of witticism; which, by convulsing with laughter, would shake out a legion of blue devils in the twinkling of a bed-post."--_Embryo Magazine._

VALETE AC PLAUDITE.

R. CLAY, PRINTER, BREAD STREET HILL, LONDON.

NEW EDITIONS OF POPULAR WORKS.

WILLIAM BECKFORD, ESQ.

ITALY;

WITH SKETCHES OF SPAIN AND PORTUGAL, AND AN EXCURSION TO THE MONASTERIES OF ALCOBACA AND BATALHA.

By WILLIAM BECKFORD, Esq. Author of "Vathek." Embellished with a fine Portrait of Mr. Beckford, from the original painting by Sir Joshua Reynolds. Price 6_s._ neatly bound.

WASHINGTON IRVING, ESQ.

ASTORIA.

By WASHINGTON IRVING. With Portrait. Price 6_s._ neatly bound.

W. H. MAXWELL, ESQ.

WILD SPORTS OF THE WEST.

By W. H. MAXWELL, Esq. Author of "Stories of Waterloo," &c. With Fifteen Engravings. Price 6_s._ neatly bound.

MRS. TROLLOPE.

DOMESTIC MANNERS OF THE AMERICANS.

By MRS. TROLLOPE. With Fifteen Engravings (including a Portrait of Mrs. Trollope). Price 6_s._ neatly bound.

CAPT. CHAMIER, R.N.

THE LIFE OF A SAILOR.

By CAPT. CHAMIER. With Engravings. Price 6_s._ neatly bound.

REV. G. R. GLEIG.

TRADITIONS OF CHELSEA HOSPITAL.

By the Rev. G. R. GLEIG. With Portrait of the Author. Price 6_s._ neatly bound.

NEW WORKS OF WIT AND HUMOUR