Chapter IV: Introduction (3)

The love and tenderness I have hitherto expressed to
you is false, and I now feel that my indifference towards
you increases every day, and the more I see you the more
you appear ridiculous in my eyes, and contemptible--
I feel inclined and in every respect disposed and determined
to hate you. Believe me I never had any inclination
to offer you my hand. Our last conversation I assure you
left a tedious and wretched insipidity which has not
possessed me with an exalted opinion of your character,
your inconstant temper would make me miserable,
and if ever we are united, I shall experience nothing but
the hatred of my parents, added to the everlasting
pleasure in living with you, I have a true heart to bestow,
but however I do not wish you for a moment to think
it is at your service, as I could not give it to one more
inconstant and capricious than yourself, and one less
capable to do honour to my choice, and my family.
Yes, Madam, I beg and desire you’ll be persuaded that I
think seriously, and you will do me a great favour to
avoid me. I shall excuse you taking the trouble to
give me an answer to this, as your letters are full of
nonsense and impertinence, and have not a shadow of
wit and good sense. Adieu, and believe me truly, I am
so averse to you, that it is impossible I should ever be,
Madam, your Affectionate Servant and Lover. R. G.

Sir,

The uniform tendency of your behaviour from
the natural brutality of disposition evinced by you since
the period of our acquaintance, has possessed me with
a sovereign contempt of your understanding, without
the most exalted opinion of your politeness and integrity,
believe me, I have considered you a despisable being,
and could I ever be induced to change my condition,
you are the last person I should choose; nay, I despise you
you are only capable of inspiring in me such ideas.
Though it has lowered me in my opinion, nevertheless
your letter has afforded me satisfaction by convincing me
I am not so contemptible a character as I should be did
I possess your esteem. With respect to your heart
I believe it to be quite as worthless as your letter, and
did it offer me a refusal some difficulty might occur
to decide whether to throw it on the dunghill or the fire.
Matrimony is a union not to be formed without due care,
my knowledge of you has redoubled caution on this point,
and I should prefer you on such an event taking place,
if like Polita I wish to deal in monkeys and apes--
I cannot conclude without giving thanks for your candour,
though in it you may have violated every rule of decency,
and I shall follow your example by assuring you I am
resolved never to subscribe myself what I really am not
your well-wisher and sincere friend, E. H. M.

By reading every other line of the above letters the true meaning will be found.

THE LOVE LETTER,

_The Lady’s Maid!! The Secret Found out!!! Or_

A MARRIED MAN CAUGHT IN A TRAP.

“Good morning, Sir.”

“The same to you, Miss! Very happy to meet you here; how far are you going?”

“Not far, Sir; but I should be proud of your company for a short time.”

“Thank you, Miss, I hope we shall be better acquainted e’re long.”

“I hope, Sir, you’re unmarried?”

“Happy to say at present--I am!”

“Very well, Sir, I am at present without a sweetheart who has possession of my heart.”

“My dear, I will endeavour to try to gain you.”

“Excuse me, Sir, I am poor.”

“My dear, I am only a theatrical gentleman, but very fond of the fair sex.”

“Do you think, my cherub, that you will be able to keep us when we are wed?”

“Yes, my dear, for I will feed you on oysters, beef-steaks, and all such fattening and strengthening things as are necessary for our conjugal happiness and comfort.”

“But, Sir, can I really depend upon you?”

“Yes, my dear, shall we name the day for our marriage?”

“Suppose we say, my love, the day after to-morrow.”

“Agreed; until that, adieu.”

On the morning appointed for the wedding, the young woman received the following epistle:--

“MY DEAREST FANNY.--I have thought on your proposal since last we met, but from circumstances that have transpired, I beg leave to postpone our marriage to a future day. I thought on our conversation and your delightful company ever since, and have enclosed a copy for your perusal.

“I am,

“Yours for ever,

“HENRY J.N.S.

“Light of my soul! by night and day,
I’ll love thee ever;
Light of my soul! list to my lay,
I’ll leave thee never.
Light of my soul! where’er I go,
My thoughts on thee are hov’ring;
Light of my soul! in weal or woe--
_Send by the bearer a sovereign_!”

The young woman read this letter with disdain, and wrote back the following answer:--

“SIR,--I return your note with disgust, having been informed that you are a married man, and I hope you will bestow the trash you offered me upon your wife. So pray trouble me no more with your foolery.”

Poor H. took this so much to heart, that he went and drowned his senses in wine, and then returned home; undressing himself, the letter fell from his bosom, his wife picked it up, read it, and beat him about the head with a dish-cloth.

* * * * *

There are two ways of reading this to discover the parties. Henry ---- lives in THIS STREET, and Fanny ---- at the ---- shop round the corner, and is said to be no better than she should be. The child’s name we understand is to be Anthony.

ALL FOUND OUT AT LAST,

_Or the SECRET DISCOVERED_,

After having been carried on in a curious manner for a long time.

“Most adorable Mary--

“Why have you left me, and deprived me of those pleasures of beholding the most charming face that nature ever made? How shall I find words to express the passion you have inspired me with? Since the day I first beheld your form I have felt the sharpest pangs of love, which have worked me up to the utmost pitch of distraction. But, alas! such a shock I felt as is impossible to express. The dearest object of my heart is locked in the embrace of Robert E---- that vile monster and decoyer of female innocence. Oh! never should I have thought that after so many pleasant hours we have passed together, and promises pledged on either side, that you would have slighted me in the manner you have, and find your heart callous to one who adores you, and even the ground your angelic form walks upon. Oh, my adorable angel, do not forsake me and the welfare of yourself; drop all connection with that vile deceiver, R. E., and once more reinstate me to that pleasure which none but lovers know. My fluctuation of fortune shall never abate my attachment, and I hope the day is not far distant, when I shall lead you to the altar of Hymen. Oh! soon may the time arrive when I may call thee, dearest Mary, my own. Oh! my dearest angel, consent to my request, and keep me no longer in suspense; nothing on my part shall ever be wanting to make you happy and comfortable. My engagement will expire in two months from hence, when I intend to open a shop in the small-ware line, and your abilities as a seamstress and self-adjusting crinoline maker, with the assistance of a few work girls, shall be able to realize an independence; and, moreover, I will indulge you in all things needful in the marriage state, and show my regard for you by cleaning your shoes, lighting the fire every morning, buying crumpets, new butter, and so forth; besides, my dear Mary, we will live merrily upon beef-steak, oysters, and other tasty articles necessary for our conjugal happiness, and upon my bended kness I pray for it, and may earthly friendship and confidence, with truest love, continue to the end.

“You are the first, I freely own,
That raised love in my breast,
Where now it reigns without control,
But yet a welcome guest.
Ah! must I drive the cherub hence,
In sorrow to regret,
And will you join to foster me,
And me no more neglect.”

“Most adorable Mary,--I have to repeat my former request, that is, quit R. E.’s company, and place yourself under the protection of me, only in whom you will find all the comfort that wedded life can bestow.

“I remain, dear Mary, yours till death,

“JOHN S----

“P. S.--Favor me, my angel, with an answer by return of post; if not, I shall start off directly for Liverpool, and embark for America.”

THE YORKSHIRE KNIGHT, OR THE FORTUNATE FARMER’S DAUGHTER, IN THREE PARTS.

PART I.--Showing how a noble Knight was riding by a farmer’s house, when his wife was in travail. The Knight knowing the signs and planets, and looking on a book, read that the farmer’s daughter that was born that hour was to be his lady and bride. And how the cruel Knight got the child from her parents, and flung it into a river; but by good fortune, the child was taken up by a poor fisherman alive, and brought home till she was eleven years old.

PART II.--How the fisherman was at an inn with some gentlemen, the cruel Knight being in the same company, and seeing the young girl come in, he asked the fisherman if she was his own daughter, who told the story of his taking her up, &c. How the cruel Knight got this poor girl away, and contrived her death a second time, and how he was prevented.

PART III.--How the Knight contrived her death a third time; but her life was saved, by showing the Knight a ring that he flung in the sea; when the Knight saw it, found it in vain to strive against his fortune, so he married her, and made her his lady; with other things worthy of note.