Chapter I: Front Matter

Doesticks

What He Says

BY

Q. K. Philander Doesticks, P.B.

NEW YORK: LIVERMORE & RUDD, 310 BROADWAY.

1856.

Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1855, by EDWARD LIVERMORE, In the Clerk's Office of the District Court for the Southern District of New York

THIS IS NEITHER

A HISTORY, ROMANCE, LIFE-DRAMA, BIOGRAPHY,

AUTOBIOGRAPHY,

NOR

POST MORTEM EXAMINATION,

BUT A SERIES OF

Unpremeditated Literary Extravaganzas,

WRITTEN WITHOUT MALICE AFORETHOUGHT

BY THE SINGLE HERO THEREOF,

PURELY FOR HIS OWN GLORIFICATION

AND PRINTED BY THE PUBLISHER

SOLELY FOR HIS OWN PROFIT.

Nothing.

In a literary point of view this book claims nothing:

This is the manufacturer's assertion.

In a literary point of view this book amounts to nothing.

This will be the reader's conclusion.

And if any skeptical person insists upon investigating the matter for himself, he will eventually be compelled to acknowledge the verity of this remark; and will, at the same time, bear a strong testimony to the sagacity of the publisher, who has put his trust in nothing--_for he will have bought the book_.

This work simply professes to be sketches of various persons, places, and events--some of which have been published, and some hav'n't; some are bad, and some are worse; but all have a claim to originality in treatment, although the same things may have been better said by better people.

Some of these bubbles have been, for some time, floating on the sea of literature--the lightest froth of the restless wave; still there are many of them which have never met the public eye, and which are here, for the first time, set afloat.

And for their publication the writer makes no apology. Accident has brought these "airy nothings" into notice; and although many of the thoughts are not novel in themselves, but are merely whimsically put, and not a few of the whims are borrowed unhesitatingly from others, they are dressed up in a lingual garb so quaint, eccentric, fantastic, or extravagant, that each lender would be sadly puzzled to know his own.

It is undoubtedly this trick of phrase, this affectation of a new-found style, which has caused their widespread newspaper notoriety. And in the hope that people will buy the book before the trick is stale, and not suspect the secret of the joke until they read it on this page, the writer has authorized the collection of these roving unsubstantial ink-brats into their present shelter, and now presents the whole uncouth family for inspection, trusting that the experiment will "put money in the purse," not only of himself, but of his sanguine publisher.

This book, like Hodge's razors, was "made to sell;" and if the sometime good-natured world will pay the price, and have its huge grim smile over these unlicked fancies--although in a political, moral, or utilitarian sense it will have gained nothing--it will, in a literal if not literary view, lose nothing.

But if it is in a surly mood, and chooses to look with dignified contempt upon this avowed and candid literary humbug, some one will be disappointed to think he has miscalculated the fickle taste of the aforesaid world and some one will be out of pocket by its sulky humor; but _of_ these persons, their whereabouts, their circumstances, or their names, the world can _say_ nothing; because it will know nothing; no, nothing.

Q. K. PHILANDER DOESTICKS, P.B.

NEW YORK, _June_, 1855.

Table of Contents

I.
PAGE
How Doesticks came to think of it, 13
Hears a voice--Determined.

II.

Doesticks satisfies Philander, 18
Writing a book.

III.

Niagara, 25

IV.

Doesticks on a Bender, 26
Feels sublime--Laboring under difficulties.

V.

Seeking a Fortune--Railroad Felicities, 33
Leaves Home--Arrives in Gotham.

VI.

Seeing the Lions--Barnum's Museum, 40
Talks to Philander--Admires the Fountain--Visits Barnum's--Sees
a Free Fight.

VII.

Model Boarding Houses, 49
Finds a Boarding House--Has another home--Content.

VIII.

Potency of Croton Water, or an Aqueous Quality hitherto unknown, 57
Croton Water--Doesticks at Burton's--At Home.

IX.

Modern Witchcraft, 64
Doesticks Reflections--Visits a Fortune Teller.

X.

City Target Excursion, 73
Becomes a Military Man--Describes his Company--Attends the
drill--Wins the prize.

XI.

A New Patent Medicine Operation, 84
Patent Balsam--Receives Testimonials--Shows how it works--Sells
for cash.

XII.

Running with the "Masheen," 92
Goes to a Fire--Displays his Courage--Gets into a row--Makes
his will.

XIII.

Street Preaching--A Zealous Trio and a Religious Controversy, 102
In Rhode Island--Hears Gabriel--Shows what can be done.

XIV.

Disappointed Love, 110
Sees Calanthe Maria--Becomes Devoted--In Extacies--Learns his
Folly--Love dissipated.

XV.

Modern Patent Piety--Church-going in the City, 120
Goes to Church--Hears the organ--Looks about him--Conclusions.

XVI.

Benevolence run mad--Charitable Cheating, 130
Goes to a Ball--Attends a Fair--Solicited--Makes an
investment--Meditates.

XVII.

Millerite Jubilee--How they didn't go up, 140
Sees the Millerites--Cogitates--Offers a resolution.

XVIII.

The great "American Tragedian," 148
Visits the Theatre--Observations--Awe-stricken--Touched to
the heart.

XIX.

"Side Shows" of the City, 159
Descriptions--Suggestions--Sees Bowery Sights--Describes the
animals.

XX.

New Year's Day in New York, 169
Sleeping Friend--New Year's Calls--Observes the Callers--Hears
the music--Good Night.

XXI.

Amusement for the Million--A 2.40 Sleigh Ride, 180
With a fast nag--In a crowd--Enjoys the ride--Upsets--Speaks
of the girls.

XXII.

Cupid in Cold Weather--Valentine's Day, 193
Opinion of Valentines--Receives some.

XXIII.

The Kentucky Tavern, 200
In Kentucky--At Breakfast--Return to Michigan.

XXIV.

The River Darkies, 206
On a Steamboat--Negro Concert--Kentucky Pumpkins.

XXV.

The Thespian Wigwam, 215
Looks about him--The curtain goes up--An interesting pair.

XXVI.

Theatricals again--A Night at the Bowery, 228
Reads the Bill--Describes the Company--Satisfied.

XXVII.

Mysterious Secrets of the K. N.'s.--A Midnight Initiation--
Philander fooled, 241
Initiated--Instructed--Hoaxed.

XXVIII.

A Diabolical Conspiracy--A Shanghae Infernal Machine, 248
Doesticks' Shanghae--In Tribulation.

XXIX.

An Evening with the Spiritualists--Rampant Ghostology, 253
Doesticks and the Medium--Commune with the Spirit--Gets
information.

XXX.

Special Express from Dog Paradise--A Canine Ghost, 262
Doesticks' Dog Speaks to him--Hears his wrongs--Speaks of
his discourse.

XXXI.

'Lection Day--"Paddy" versus "Sam," 271
Investigates--Votes, and is challenged--Announces Hoggs'
Election.

XXXII.

Police Adventures--Mayor Wood Around, 283
Applies for office of M. P.--Accepted and takes his
station--Reprimanded--Discharged.

XXXIII.

Damphool defunct--Place of his Exile--Description thereof--and
Exit, 292
Dislikes Damphool's retreat--Rehearses his faults and
failings--admires his traits of character--Bids him
farewell.

XXXIV.

Keeping the Maine Law, 305
Notes the change in the times--Inspects the cellar--
Tries the vintages.

XXXV.

Theatricals once more--Shakspeare darkeyized--Macbeth in
high Colors, 313
Descriptions--Sees Macbeth--Describes the characters--Views
of the Death Scene.

XXXVI.

Young America in Long Dresses--Great Excitement in Babydom, 323
Visits the Baby Show--Describes the babies--Speaks of the
Prizes.

What He Says.