Chapter XXXV: Act IV

_Waiter. (Entering anxiously through the window._) Beg pardon, ma'am;
but can you tell me what became of that--(_He recognizes Bohun, and
loses all his self-possession. Bohun waits rigidly for him to pull
himself together. After a pathetic exhibition of confusion, he
recovers himself sufficiently to address Bohun weakly, but
coherently._) Beg pardon, sir, I'm sure, sir. Was--was it you, sir?

_Bohun._ (_Ruthlessly._) It was I.

_Waiter._ (_Brokenly._) Yes, sir. (_Unable to restrain his tears._)
You in a false nose, Walter! (_He sinks faintly into a chair at the
table._) I beg your pardon, ma'am, I'm sure. A little giddiness--

_Bohun._ (_Commandingly._) You will excuse him, Mrs. Clandon, when I
inform you that he is my father.

_Waiter._ (_Heartbroken._) Oh, no, no, Walter. A waiter for your
father on the top of a false nose! What will they think of you?

_Mrs. Clandon._ (_Going to the waiter's chair in her kindest manner._)
I am delighted to hear it, Mr. Bohun. Your father has been an
excellent friend to us since we came here. (_Bohun bows gravely._)

_Waiter._ (_Shaking his head._) Oh, no, ma'am. It's very kind of
you--very ladylike and affable indeed, ma'am; but I should feel at a
great disadvantage off my own proper footing. Never mind my being the
gentleman's father, ma'am: it is only the accident of birth, after
all, ma'am. (_He gets up feebly._) You'll excuse me, I'm sure, having
interrupted your business.

(_He begins to make his way along the table, supporting himself from
chair to chair, with his eye on the door._)

(_Bohun._) One moment. (_The waiter stops, with a sinking heart._) My
father was a witness of what passed to-day, was he not, Mrs. Clandon?

_Mrs. Clandon._ Yes, most of it, I think.

_Bohun._ In that case we shall want him.

_Waiter._ (_Pleading._) I hope it may not be necessary, sir. Busy
evening for me, sir, with that ball: very busy evening indeed, sir.

_Bohun._ (_Inexorably._) We shall want you.

_Mrs. Clandon._ (_Politely._) Sit down, won't you?

_Waiter._ (_Earnestly._) Oh, if you please, ma'am, I really must draw
the line at sitting down. I couldn't let myself be seen doing such a
thing, ma'am: thank you, I am sure, all the same.

(_He looks round from face to face wretchedly, with an expression
that would melt a heart of stone._)

_Gloria._ Don't let us waste time. William only wants to go on taking
care of us. I should like a cup of coffee.

_Waiter._ (_Brightening perceptibly._) Coffee, miss? (_He gives a
little gasp of hope._) Certainly, miss. Thank you, miss: very timely,
miss, very thoughtful and considerate indeed. (_To Mrs. Clandon,
timidly, but expectantly._) Anything for you, ma'am?

_Mrs. Clandon._ Er--oh, yes: it's so hot, I think we might have a jug
of claret cup.

_Waiter._ (_Beaming._) Claret cup, ma'am! Certainly ma'am.

_Gloria._ Oh, well, I'll have claret cup instead of coffee. Put some
cucumber in it.

_Waiter._ (_Delightedly._) Cucumber, miss! yes, miss. (_To Bohun._)
Anything special for you, sir? You don't like cucumber, sir.

_Bohun._ If Mrs. Clandon will allow me--syphon, Scotch.

_Waiter._ Right, sir. (_To Crampton._) Irish for you, sir, I think
sir? (_Crampton assents with a grunt. The waiter looks enquiringly at
Valentine._)

_Valentine._ I like the cucumber.

_Waiter._ Right, sir. (_Summing up._) Claret cup, syphon, one Scotch,
and one Irish?

_Mrs. Clandon._ I think that's right.

_Waiter._ (_Perfectly happy._) Right ma'am. Directly, ma'am. Thank
you.

(_He ambles off through the window, having sounded the whole gamut of
human happiness, from the bottom to the top in a little over two
minutes_.)[53]

THE CRADLE (LE BERCEAU)