Chapter I: Preface

If every book that contains nothing but nonsense confessed that fact in its preface, the world would have been saved a vast amount of dreary reading. Most of such volumes, however, are believed by their authors to be full of wisdom of the solidest kind; and confession, therefore, being impossible, the reader may learn the truth only through much tribulation. The writer of this book freely admits, at the outset, that it contains only the lightest humor, and that its single purpose is to afford amusement. At the same time, he claims for it that it is wiser and far more useful than many more solemn books that have been published, with the intent to regenerate mankind, by authors who would regard such a volume as this with feelings of scorn.

This is simply an effort to tell stories of a humorous character; and although the attempt may not be so successful as it has been in the hands of others, from Boccaccio downward, it has at least one quality that some greater achievements do not possess: it is absolutely pure in thought, word and suggestion. If it is filled with nonsense, that nonsense at any rate is innocent. It is modest, cleanly and without malice or irreverence. A worthier and nobler work might have been written; a purer work could not have been.

What its other merits are he who reads it will discern. To apologize for it in any manner would be to admit that it has grave deficiencies, and such an admission the author would not make even if his conscience impelled him to do so. The book is offered to the reader with the conviction that if the man who laughs is the happiest man, it may contribute something to the sum of human felicity.

The story of the French horn, related in the twentieth chapter, will recall to the reader of the "Sparrowgrass Papers" an incident related in that most charming book of humor. Perhaps it ought to be said that the former narrative was at least suggested by the latter.

The artist who has illustrated the book, Mr. Arthur B. Frost, deserves to have it said of him that he has done his work skilfully, tastefully and with nice appreciation of the humor of the various situations.

CONTENTS

CHAPTER

I. THE ADVANTAGES OF ELBOW-ROOM

II. THE TERRIBLE MISHAP TO MR. FOGG'S BABY

III. INTERNAL NAVIGATION.--AN UNFORTUNATE INVENTOR

IV. THE FACTS IN REFERENCE TO MR. BUTTERWICK'S HORSE

V. SOME EDUCATIONAL FACTS

VI. THE EDITOR OF "THE PATRIOT"

VII. HOW MR. BUTTERWICK PURSUED HORTICULTURE

VIII. THE MEETING, AND ITS MISSIONARY WORK

IX. JUDGE TWIDDLER'S COW

X. OUR CIVIL SERVICE

XI. FUNEREAL AND CONJUGAL

XII. A NEW MRS. TOODLES.--POTTS' ADVENTURES

XIII. THE RACES, AND SOME OTHER THINGS

XIV. RESPECTING CERTAIN SAVAGES

XV. LOVE, SUFFERING AND SUICIDE

XVI. MR. FOGG AS SPORTSMAN AND SPOUSE

XVII. HOW WE CONDUCT A POLITICAL CAMPAIGN

XVIII. THE MATUTINAL ROOSTER

XIX. AN UNRULY METER.--SCENES IN A SANCTUM

XX. HIGH ART

XXI. CERTAIN DENTAL EXPERIENCES.--AN UNFORTUNATE OFFICIAL

XXII. JUSTICE, AND A LITTLE INJUSTICE

XXIII. THE TRAMP WITH GENIUS AND WITHOUT IT

XXIV. THE DOG OF MR. BUTTERWICK'S, AND OTHER DOGS

XXV. A PERSECUTED JOURNALIST

XXVI. THE ACHIEVEMENTS OF DR. PERKINS

XXVII. GENERAL TRUMPS OF THE MILITIA

XXVIII. THE MISDIRECTED ENERGIES OF MR. BRADLEY

XXIX. THE TRIALS OF MR. KEYSER, GRANGER

XXX. MR. BANGER'S AUNT

XXXI. VARIOUS THINGS

ILLUSTRATIONS.

ELBOW-ROOM
MR. FOGG AS A MESMERIST
A NOVEL MOUSETRAP
A PERPLEXED MULE
THE SECRETARY IS ALARMED
MR. BUTTERWICK'S HORSE LIES DOWN
THE BATTLE OF CANNÆ.
MR. BARNES PROPOSES
THE CARBOLIC DOOR-MAT
THE GARDENER RETREATS
TREADING WATER
THE HEATHEN CLOTHE THEMSELVES
THE JUDGE'S COW
A TOMBSTONE CONTRACT
MR. POTTS' MOUSE
SHOOTING A BURGLAR
A FLAT-IRON WEDDING
AN EXCITED OLD LADY
THE CAT SUCCUMBS
HOW THE PIG WAS KILLED
MR. SPOONER IS ALARMED
THE LITTLE BABY-BEAR
THE GOLDFISH TRICK.
A CURTAILMENT
AN INDIGNANT GUNNER
CONFESSING THEIR FAULTS
FORCED TO DO DUTY
THE EARLY COCK
THE AFFAIR AT THE POULTRY-SHOW
THE SHERIFF IS MAD
MR. SMITH'S GRIEF
A SCARED FAMILY
DR. SLUGG'S INVENTION
JOE MIDDLES
A COURT SCENE
A DOG FOR SALE
SMITH'S BOY RETREATS
BANG!!!
THE WANDERING JEW
SIMPSON'S CASE
THE GENERAL IN A RAGE
"TAKE HER, YOUNG MAN!"
BRADLEY'S CRADLE
THE NEW MOTOR
A QUEER PLANT
TOO MUCH OF A BORE.
BALLAST
MAJOR SLOTT'S TIGER
FACING THE TIGER