Chapter VII: Introduction (7)

And lest I my selfe, like some _pedantical Vicar_ stammering out a most false and crackt latine oration to maister _Maior_ of the towne and his brethren, should cough and hem in my deliueries; by which meanes you (my Auditors) should be in danger to depart more like woodcockes then when you came to me: O thou venerable father of antient (and therefore hoary) customes, _Syluanus_, I inuoke thy assistance; thou that first taughtest Carters to weare hob-nailes, and Lobs to play Christmas gambols, and to shew the most beastly horse-trickes: O do thou, or (if thou art not at leasure) let thy Mountibancke, goat-footed _Fauni_, inspire me with the knowledge of all those silly and ridiculous fashions, which the old dunsticall world woare euen out at elbowes; draw for me the pictures of the most simple fellowes then liuing, that by their patterns I may paint the like. Awake thou noblest drunkerd _Bacchus_, thou must likewise stand to me (if at least thou canst for reeling), teach me (you soueraigne skinker) how to take the _Germanies vpsy freeze_, the Danish _Rowsa_, the Switzers stoap of _Rhenish_, the _Italians Parmizant_, the Englishmans healthes, his hoopes, cans, halfecans, Gloues, Frolicks, and flapdragons, together with the most notorious qualities of the truest tospots, as when to cast, when to quarrell, when to fight, and where to sleepe: hide not a drop of thy moist mystery from me (thou plumpest swil-bowle), but (like an honest red-nosed wine-bibber) lay open all thy secrets, and ye mystical _Hieroglyphick_ of _Rashers_ a' th' coales, _Modicums_ and _shooing-hornes,_ and why they were inuented, for what occupations, and when to be vsed. Thirdly (because I will haue more then two strings to my bow) _Comus_, thou Clarke of _Gluttonies_ kitchen, doe thou also bid me proface, and let me not rise from table, till I am perfect in all the generall rules of _Epicures_ and _Cormorants_. Fatten thou my braines, that I may feede others, and teach them both how to squat downe to their meat, and how to munch so like Loobies, that the wisest _Solon_ in the world, shall not be able to take them for any other. If there be any strength in thee, thou beggerly Monarche of _Indians_, and setter-vp of rotten-lungd chimneysweepers (_Tobacco_), I beg it at thy smoaky hands: make me thine adopted heire, that, inheriting the vertues of thy whiffes, I may / distribute them amongst all nations, and make the phantastick _Englishmen_ (aboue the rest) more cunning in the distinction of thy _Rowle Trinidado_, _Leafe_, and _Pudding_, then the whitest toothd Blackamoore in all _Asia_. After thy pipe, shal ten thousands be taught to daunce, if thou wilt but discouer to me the sweetnesse of thy snuffes, with the manner of spawling, slauering, spetting and driueling in all places, and before all persons. Oh what songs will I charme out, in praise of those valiantly-strong-stinking breaths, which are easily purchased at thy hands, if I can but get thee to trauell through my nose. All the foh's in the fairest Ladies mouth, that euer kist Lord, shall not fright me from thy browne presence: for thou art humble, and from the Courts of Princes hast vouchsafed to be acquainted with penny galleries, and (like a good-fellow) to be drunke for company, with Water-men, Carmen, and Colliers; whereas before, and so still, Knights and wise Gentlemen were, & are thy companions. Last of all, thou Lady of Clownes and Carters, Schoolmistres of fooles and wiseacres, thou homely (but harmelesse) _Rusticity_, Oh breath thy dull and dunsticall spirit into our ganders quill; crowne me thy Poet, not with a garland of Bayes (Oh no! the number of those that steale _lawret_ is too monstrous already) but swaddle thou my browes with those unhansome boughes, which, (like _Autums_ rotten haire), hang dangling ouer thy dusty eye-lids. Helpe me (thou midwife of vnmannerlinesse) to be deliuered of this _Embryon_ that lies tumbling in my braine: direct me in this hard and dangerous voyage, that being safely arriued on the desired shore, I may build up Altars to thy _Vnmatcheable Rudeness_; the excellency whereof I know will be so great, that _Grout-nowles_ and _Moames_ will in swarmes fly buzzing about thee. So _Herculean_ a labour is this, that I vndertake, that I am enforced to ball out for all your succours, to the intent I may aptly furnish this feast of _Fooles_, vnto which I solemnely inuite all the world; for at it shall sit not only those whom _Fortune_ fauours, but euen those whose wits are naturally their owne. Yet because your artificiall fooles beare away the bell, all our best workmanship (at this time) shall be spent to fashion such a Creature.