Chapter M: LANGUEDOR (the Famous Painter) TO MISS GUSHINGTON.--"Ah! For ze

music, Miladi Cretonne has a talent kvite exceptionnel. Listen to _zat_! It surpass Madame Schumann!"]

* * * * *

COOK'S TOURIST (_female_).--"What's that jagged white line on the horizon, I wonder?"

COOK'S TOURIST (_male_).--"_Snow_, probably!"

COOK'S TOURIST (_female_).--"Ah! that's much more likely! I heard the captain saying it was _Greece_!"]

* * * * *

"Been dancin' at all?"

"Dancin'? Not I! Catch me dancin' in a house where there ain't a smokin'-room! I'm off, directly!"]

* * * * *

SHE.--"It's such years since we met that perhaps you never heard of my marriage?"

HE.--"No, indeed! Is it--er--recent enough for congratulations?"]

* * * * *

SHE.--"What a disagreeable thing that insomnia must be! Very trying, I think! Do _you_ ever suffer from it, Captain Spinks?"

HE.--"Oh, dear, no. I can sleep anywhere, at any time! Could go off _this moment_, I assure you...!"]

* * * * *

"That's where poor Mrs. Wilkins used to live!"

"Why '_poor_' Mrs. Wilkins?"

"Well, her husband was killed in that horrid railway accident, don't you remember?"

"Oh, but that was _months_ ago!"]

* * * * *

* * * * *

The lady guests go in to dinner with the host and young Sir John and young Sir James and the Hon. Dick Swiveller, while the hostess naturally takes the arm of her nephew, Lord Goslin (_just from Eton_), so that, as the party is just two ladies short, Dr. Jones, the great historian, and Professor Brown, the famous philologist (_whose wives have not been asked_), bring up the rear together.

THE DOCTOR.--"Well, Professor, we may be of less _consequence_ than the rest, but at all events we're the _oldest_ and the most renowned!"]

* * * * *

PUZZLED HOSTESS.--"I beg your pardon, Lord Bovril, but _will_ you tell me whether I ought to take _your_ arm, or Prince Sulkytoff's, or the Duke's?"

LORD BOVRIL (Lord-Lieutenant of the County).--"Well--a--since you ask me, I must tell you that--a--as her Majesty's representative, _I_ am bound to claim the honor! But I hope you won't for a moment suppose that I'm fool enough--a--to care _personally_ one rap about that sort of thing!"]

* * * * *

* * * * *

WELL-PRESERVED ELDERLY COQUETTE.--"Ah! Admiral, _what_ a good time we had there, junketing and dancing and flirting! It all seems like yesterday! Do you remember the Carew girls, and your old flame Lucy Masters, and that poor boy Jack Lushington, who was so desperately in love with _me_?"

THE ADMIRAL.--"Indeed I do, dear Lady Maria! And to think of their all dying ... years ago!... _And of old age, too!_"]

* * * * *

LADY PRATTLER (_a confirmed first-nighter, to actor-manager_).--"I congratulate you on your success last night, Mr. McStamp!... How good you were! It was all charmin'--so light, so bright, so well put on the stage!... And oh! _such nice long entr'actes_, you know!"]

* * * * *

HOUSEKEEPER (_showing visitors over historic mansion_).--"This is the portrait of Queen Catherine of Medici--sister to the _Venus_ of that name...."]

* * * * *

* * * * *

Meet of the Four-in-Hand Club, Hyde Park, London.]

* * * * *

JENKINS.--"Good heavens! Why, there's that brute Tomkins! The skunk! I wonder you can ask such a man to your house! I hope you haven't put him near me at dinner, because I shall cut him dead."

HOSTESS.--"Oh, it's all right. He told me all about you before you came in."

JENKINS.--"Did he? What did he say about _me_, the ruffian?"

HOSTESS.--"Oh, nothing much--merely what you've just been saying about _him_."]

* * * * *

HE.--"Oh, I've long given up dancing for my _own_ sake. I only dance now with those unlucky girls that don't get partners. Who's that young lady behind you?"

SHE.--"My daughter."

HE.--"Pray, introduce me!"]

* * * * *

"Why, you're looking better already, Sir Ronald!"

"Yes, thanks to your delightful hospitality, I've had everything my doctor ordered me: 'Fresh air, good food, agreeable society, and cheerful conversation that involves no strain on the intellect!'"]

* * * * *

GUARDSMAN (_gazing at the motley throng_).--"Any great literary or scientific celebrities here to-night, Lady Circe?"

LADY CIRCE (_who has taken to hunting Lions_).--"No, Sir Charles. The worst of celebrities in these democratic days is that they won't come unless you ask their wives and families, too! So I ask the wives and families, and the wives and families come in their thousands, if you please, and the celebrities stay at home and go to bed."]

* * * * *

JONES (_a rising young British architect_).--"Yes; it's a charming old castle you've bought, Mrs. Prynne, and I heartily congratulate you on being its possessor!"

FAIR CALIFORNIA WIDOW (_just settled in the old country_).--"Thanks. And now you must find me a _legend_ for it, Mr. Jones!"

JONES.--"I'm afraid I can't manage _that_; but I could add a _story_, if that will do as well!"]

* * * * *

TOMMY.--"Why don't they have little shut-up houses? Why do they have open bars?"

DOROTHY (_who knows everything_).--"Oh! that's for them to see the people, of course!"]

* * * * *

Just as Stodge is about to explain the recondite subtleties of his picture to a select circle of deeply interested and delightfully sympathetic women, his wife comes in with the _baby_, confound it!]

* * * * *

"Oh, look, grandpapa! Poor things ... they're burying the baby!"]

* * * * *

"_Isn't_ Emily Firkinson a darling, Reginald?"

"A--ahem--no doubt. I can't say much for her _singing_, you know!"

"Ah! but she's so good and true--a perfect angel! I've known her all my life. I want you to _promise_ me something, Reginald."

"Certainly, my love!"

"If I should die young, and you should ever marry again, promise, oh! promise me that it shall be Emily Firkinson!"]

* * * * *

HOSTESS (_to host, after dinner_).--"George, dear, how about asking Signor Robsonio and Signora Smithorelli to sing? They'll be mortally _offended_ if we _do_, and they'll be mortally _offended_ if we _don't_!"]

* * * * *

MRS. BLOKER.--"Oh, I'm sorry to disturb you at breakfast, but I wanted to make _sure_ of you. Mr. and Mrs. Dedleigh Boreham are stopping with me for a few days, and I want you to come and dine to-morrow, or, if you are engaged, Wednesday; or Thursday will do, or Friday or Saturday; or _any_ day next week!"

(_Mrs. Brown feebly tries to invent that they have some thoughts of sailing to Honolulu this afternoon, and that they have just lost a relative, but breaks down ignominiously._)]

* * * * *

"But doesn't hearing those brilliant speeches sometimes make you change your mind?"

"My _mind_? Oh, often! But my _vote_, _NEVER_!!"]

* * * * *

THE OLD MARQUIS OF CARABAS.--"What, madam! There's your lovely but penniless daughter positively dying to marry me; and here I am, willing to settle L20,000 a year on her, and give her one of the oldest titles in England, _and you refuse your consent_!!!! By George, madam, in _my_ young days it wasn't the mothers who objected to men of my sort. It was the _daughters themselves_!!"]

* * * * *

HOSTESS.--"So sorry to have kept you waiting, Mr. Green."

VISITOR.--"Oh, don't mention it. The anticipation, you know, is always so much brighter than the reality."]

* * * * *

MRS. BROWN.--"Oh, Mrs. Smith, _do_ have that sweet baby of yours brought down to show my husband. He's never seen it."

MR. BROWN.--"Oh, pray, don't trouble on _my_ account."]

* * * * *

GENIAL HOSTESS.--"What, going already, Professor?... And _must_ you take your wife away with you?"

THE PROFESSOR (_with grave politeness_).--"Indeed, madam, _I am sorry to say I MUST_!"]

* * * * *

* * * * *

(A Visit to the Portrait-Gallery of Brabazon Towers.)

"Pardon me! But you have passed over that picture in the corner. An old Dutch master, I think."

"Oh, _that_! 'The Burgermaster' it's called By Rembrank, I b'lieve. It ain't nothing much. Only a work of hart. _Not one of the family, you know!_"]

* * * * *

* * * * *

THE MAIDEN.--"Good-morning, Mr. Jones! How do you like my hyacinths?"

THE CURATE.--"Well, they prevent me from seeing _you_! I should prefer _Lower_ cinths!"]

* * * * *

The Miss Browns (_of "a good" Bayswater family_) playing "Buffalo Gals," with variations, on two American banjoes and an American parlor-grand.]

* * * * *

MRS. GUSHINGTON (_aside to her husband_).--"What a long, tiresome piece of music that was! Who's it by, I wonder?"

MR. GUSHINGTON.--"Beethoven, my love."

MRS. GUSHINGTON (_to hostess_).--"My _dear_ Mrs. Brown, what _heavenly_ music! How in every _bar_ one feels the stamp of the greatest genius the world has ever known!"]

* * * * *

"Oh, papa, we've all quite made up our minds _never to marry_, now we've got this beautiful house and garden!" (_Papa has taken this beautiful house and garden solely with the view of tempting eligible young men to come and play lawn-tennis, etc., etc._)]

* * * * *

SHE.--"After all, there's nothing better than the wing of a chicken! _Is_ there, General?"

HE.--"I never tasted the wing of a chicken. I only know the _legs_! When I was _young_, you know, my _parents_ always ate the wings, and _now_, my _children_ always do!"]

* * * * *

AESTHETIC YOUTH.--"I hope by degrees to have this room filled with nothing but the most perfectly beautiful things...."

SIMPLE-MINDED GUARDSMAN.--"And what are you going to do with _these_, then?"]

* * * * *

"I must have this tooth out, it hurts so!"

"Oh, _please_ don't, or _I_ shall have to wear it, as I do _all_ of your left-off things!"]

* * * * *

MRS. CONSTANTIA (_to old adorer, who has married for money_).--"And these are your children, Ronald? Oh!... how like their mother!"]

* * * * *

HE.--"What! You haven't got a dance left?"

SHE.--"No. It's past two o'clock! Why didn't you come earlier?"

HE.--"Well, a feller must _dine_, you know!"]

* * * * *

SHE-GOSSIP (_alluding to newly-wedded pair_).--"There go 'Beauty and the Beast,' as they are called! She _would_ marry him. Her parents strongly opposed the match, as you may imagine."

HE-GOSSIP (_who flatters himself that he understands the sex_).--"By George! The parental opposition must have been strong to make her marry such a ruffian as that!"]

* * * * *

DE SNOOKKE.--"There goes Mrs. _Gatherum_! She never asks _me_ to her parties! I suppose I am not _swell_ enough!"

SYMPATHETIC LADY-FRIEND.--"Oh, it can't be _that_! One meets the most rowdy people in London there."]

* * * * *

CAPTAIN LELONGBOW (_a fascinating but most inveterate romancer about his own exploits_).--"Who's your favorite hero in _fiction_, Miss Vera?"

MISS VERA.--"_You_ are!"]

* * * * *

MRS. VAN TROMP.--"Oh, Sir Charles! Modern English male attire is _too_ hideous. Just look round ... there are only two decently dressed men in the room!"

SIR CHARLES.--"Indeed! And which are _they_, may I ask?"

MRS. VAN TROMP.--"Well, I don't know _who_ they are, exactly; but just now one seems to be offering the other a cup of tea."]

* * * * *

VOCALIST (_to fair Stranger_).--"A--I'm going to sing '_Fain would I clasp thee closer, love_!' May I look at you while I am singing?"

FAIR STRANGER.-"Oh, certainly! Or at my grandmother."]

* * * * *

* * * * *

BOOKS WRITTEN AND ILLUSTRATED

BY

GEORGE DU MAURIER

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THE MARTIAN (_Mr. Du Maurier's last work, now running as a serial in "Harper's Magazine," began in the number for October, 1896_).

TRILBY SOUVENIR. Photogravures in Portfolio 8vo 50

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Published by HARPER & BROTHERS, New York

_For sale by all booksellers, or will be mailed by the publishers on receipt of price._

Transcriber's Notes:

Words surrounded by _ are italicized.

Obvious punctuation errors repaired.

Pg 2, word "indefinitely" changed to "infinitely" (infinitely less amazing).

Caption for illustration A DAUGHTER OF HETH, name "BENJAMIM" changed to "BENJAMIN."