Chapter II: Part 2

Another spice of _Immorality_ I believe I can make appear by his Pride, and tho' in other places it is to be found, yet is most fairly instanc'd in his _Book of Essays_, where, tho' we find one Chapter wholly upon that Vice, which, to shew his Justice, begins with a Compliment upon the same _Juvenal_, now he has use for him whom he call'd Pimp before, yet it has not bulk enough to Skreen from us his haughtiness in another, which he calls the _Office of a Chaplain_, for there you shall find he has collected the Spirit of them all, and blended them into one Character; I mean the ill Spirits of the ill _Chaplains_, _those that are good I honour_. Here you may find his Likeness in _Don Quixot_, _Roger_ in the _Scornful Lady_, _Bull_ in the _Relapse_, _Say-grace_, _Cuff-cushion_, and others, all learning their Lessons of their stubborn Superior our Reformer, and all tending to governing, brow-beating, snubbing, commanding Families, and the like, but not one word of _humility_ tack'd to't, for fear of spoiling the Character; there you may find 24 pages, one after another, all written to prove most gloriously, that 'tis impossible for a _Chaplain_ to be a Servant; that tho' you find a poor fellow in a tatter'd Excommunicated Gown with one sleeve, Shoes without heels, miserable Antichristian breeches, with some two dozen of creepers brooding in the seams; and tho' you take him charitably to your House, feed, clothe, and give him wages, yet he belongs only _to God_, and not you, and you must not think him your _Domestick_, but your _Superior_. Why, what a Scheme is here laid for Vanity and Folly, add how much more shining and beautiful does gratitude and humility appear in such a Depender, than such a bloated opinion as this? Would any honest Gentleman, that has his sences, shew his Indulgence and Generosity to Wit or Learning, on such terms as these? And does not this Chapter shew more the Spirit of Pride in our _Absolver_, relating to his own humour, than the veneration he has for the Clergy, or the Justice he would seem to do them in it? I dare affirm, most of them are against this Opinion, at least I'm sure all the modest part are, who cannot but own themselves subservient to their Patrons that maintain them, tho' at the same time they are Ministers of _Gods holy Words and Sacraments_. Yet he buffly goes on, _He is Gods Minister, not Mans Servant_. [Footnote: _Office of a Chaplain_, p. 178.] And a little way further, he clenches this admirable Notion through and through; therefore, says he, _for a Patron to acconnt such a Consecrated Person, as if he belong'd to him as a Servant, is in effect to challenge Divine Honours, and set himself up for a God_. [Footnote: Ib. _p._ 185.] Here's Ambition, here's Perfection, here's old _Bonner_ for ye. Now by his _Hollidame_, for I can't forbear that Oath now, what can a squeamish Critick, that would make _Remarks_ upon the _Remarker_ call this? But stay, he's at it again, _Dolopion_, says he, _was Priest to _Scamander_, and regarded like the God he belong'd to_. [Footnote: Collier, _p. 113._] Pray mind him, the Priest was worshipp'd equal with the God--oh rare Moralist--if he were, 'twas an _Ægyptian_ Worship, where only _Calves_ and _Apes_, and _Carrots_ and _Onions_, were _Gods_. But pray let us see a little, has not this Divine quotation a tang of _Blasphemy_ in't? Oh fie, no; what, the _Moralist_! _Reformer_ of _Vices_! Speak _Blasphemy_! Impossible! he can't sure! Yes, yes, he may, when he thinks no body can find him out: and faith, to my sence now, this smells as rank of _Pandemonium_, of fire and brimstone, to the full, if not worse, than Mr. _Dryden_'s Verse, _Whether inspir'd with a Diviner Lust his father got him_, &c. [Footnote: Absalom _and_ Achit.] which is spoken only in the figurative Person of _David_; yet he says 'tis _downright defiance of the Living God, and the very Essence and Spirit of Blasphemy_. [Footnote: Collier _p. 184._] And here now his Stomach wambled more terribly than before; so that if his Friend were by, he must of necessity hold the Bason. Oh me! he reaches and reaches, and first up comes--egh--_I question whether_--egh--_the torments and despair of the Damn'd_--egh--_dare venture at such flights as these_. And now the Head being held by the same hand, at two reaches more it comes all up, mix'd with a Tincture of old _Bonner_ again--egh-- _I can't forbear saying, that the next bad thing to writing these Impieties_--egh--_is to suffer them_. And now the Fit's over, leaving us to imagine what rare Church Discipline we should have, if this Gentleman, and his Cat with nine Tails, were in Power; I think a Couplet or two here, by way of Advice to him, is not improper.

Your Tribe should all be in Opinion steady,
Not turn or wind for Power or for Place,
Nor covet Wealth but in Spiritual Grace.
The Gifts of _Mammon_ you should ne'r implore,
Nor wish for Gold, unless to give the Poor;
It makes your Art contemptible appear,
Less follow'd too, and look'd into more near;
For if all those that preach up Paradise,
Will have their shares of every human Vice,
They shall Cant long enough e're I believe,
Or pin my Soul's Salvation on their sleeve.

[Footnote: Weesils, p. 11.]

Here now, ten to one, but I shall make our Reformer fall into another fit, by pretending to Counsel him, or take his Office of Ordinary upon my self; for in page 138, he will not give up that leave, _What, is the Pulpit under the Discipline of the Stage? And are those fit to correct the Church, that are not fit to come into it_? [Footnote: Collier, p. 138.] Ah! Doctor, rub your eyes a little, and see what the Vindicator of the Stage says, quoting Divine _Herbert_:

A Verse may find him who a Sermon flies,
And turn delight into a Sacrifice.

Besides I do assure you, spite of your Ghostly Authority, and Uncharitable Position, that we are not fit, we will come in, and not only imbibe the Mystery of _Divinity_ from the Pulpit, but unriddle the Mystery of _Iniquity_, if we can find any there. _Ben Johnson_ found out _Ananias_ and _Rabby Buisy_; _Fletcher_, _Hypocritical Roger_; _Shakespear_, _Sir John_ of _Wrotham_; _Congreve_, _Say-grace_; _Vanbrook_, _Bull_; _Shadwell_, _Smirk;_ and if _Durfey_ can find out a proud, stubborn, immoral _Bernard_, [Footnote: The Chaplains Name in _Don Quixot_.] one, that when he was a Country Curate, _would not let the Children be brought to Church to be Christned for some odd Jesuitical Reasons_ best known to himself, he shall presume to draw his Picture, tho the _Absolver_ drop another Chapter of Abuse upon him for so doing.

We find, for many Ages past, Poets have enjoy'd this Priviledge; our Prince of Poets, _Chaucer,_ had so much to do in this kind, that we find him weary himself, and loth to weary others with.

Of Freers I have told before,
In a making of a Crede,
And yet I cold tell worse, or more,
But Men would werien it to read.

[Footnote: Chaucer]

This I think is pithy, but here again I think his Counsel to them is much better.

Fly fro the Prease and dwell with soothfastness,
Suffice unto thy good, tho it be small,
For horde hath, and climbing tickleness,
Prease hath Envy, and wele is blent ore all;
Savour no more then thee behove shall,
Rede wele thy self that other folk canst rede,
And trouth thee shall deliver it is no drede.

Now if he be Moral enough to take old _Chaucer_'s Advice I shall be glad; and so much for that subject. There is nothing now remains, before I come to vindicate _Don Quixot_, but a large Remark of his, upon the little or no swearing in Plays, which commonly is only a kind of an Interjection, as gad, I cod, oonz, _&c._ which I don't defend neither, and if any others have carelesly past the Press I'm sorry for't, for I hate them as much as he, yet because the Doctor has quoted the Statute Law against it and Players, to slander on one side, tho to reform on t'other, I will in return quote another piece of Law relating to Oaths, extreamly for his advantage, for there is only this quibbling difference between us, 'Tis a fault in us in swearing when we should not, and in him for not swearing when he should; but that now he may have occasion to say my Civilities are particular to him, I will make him do't.

I _J.C._ do sincerely promise and swear, that I will be faithful,
and bear true Allegiance to His Majesty King _William_: And I do
swear that I do, from my heart, abhor, detest and abjure, as Impious
and Heretical, that damnable Doctrine and Position, that Princes
excommunicated, or depriv'd by the Pope, or any Authority of the
See of _Rome_, may be Depos'd or Murther'd by their Subjects, or
any other whatsoever.

And I do declare that no Foreign Prince, Person, Prelate, State
or Potentate, hath, or aught to have, any Jurisdiction, Power,
Superiority, Preeminence or Authority, Ecclesiastical or Spiritual,
within this Realm. _So help me God._

This now, with a sincerity proper, and coming to Church to hear our Divine Service, with the _Prayer_ for the _King_ in't, would give one a little satisfaction as to the Doctors present opinion, for what he has been, if you will but examine and scan it by his Book, tho it be a Reforming Book, is I am sure very disputable; in one Page of it he seems very zealous for the Protestant Reformation, and says, being very much piqu'd at _Sir John Brute_'s putting on a Clergy-man's Habit in the _Provok'd Wife_, _that the Church of _England_, he means the Men in her, is the only communion in the world, that will endure such insolencies as these_ [Footnote: Collier, p. 108.]; and this, tho it be somewhat _Bonnerish_ again, and _Switcher_-like, yet however seems to leer of our side; but then presently in another place he's as zealous for the _Roman_ Sect, and Jesuitically condemns a little wholesom Satyr in the Character of a pamper'd hypocritical covetous _Spanish Fryer_, for incivility in making him a Pimp to _Lorenzo_, and is very angry at the Author for calling this virtuous person _a parcel of holy Guts and Garbidge_, and telling him _that he has room in his Belly for his Church-steeple_; [Footnote: Collier, p. 98.] and here his Lash is up again for abusing them--oh--if _Doctor Absolution_ were Inquisitor general, and a Satyrist against Priests came under his hand, mercy upon us, how that poor Rascal would be flaug'd, for I find 'tis only the person of the Priest that he would have reverenc'd, let his opinion be what it will; nay, tho he were a _Priest of Baal_, as may be prov'd a little further, for here his Zeal shews itself not only for Christians, but the very _Turks_ too; and cavils again with _Jacinta_, in the _Mock Astrologer_, for jesting with _Alla_, and honest _Mahomet_, for he was a Brother Priest too: [Footnote: Collier, p. 61.] But stay, what's worst of all, have but patience to walk to another Page, and here you will find him just sinking into a downright doze and despondency, whither he had best set up for any Religion at all, or at least for one very indifferent.

_Our Poets, I suppose, would call this Preaching, and think it a dull business; however, I can't forbear saying, an honest Heathen is none of the worst men, a very indifferent Religion well believ'd, will go a great way._ [Footnote: Collier, p. 28.] --Will it so, pray friends de'e not think our hot reforming Gentleman is very Luke-warm here, or not a little craz'd when he writ this, or, as the vulgar have it, was not his mighty Wit run a Wool-gathering; for if he be for _Protestantism_, and _Popery_, and then whip--amongst the _Bens of the _Arabians_ for _Alla_ and _Mahomet_,_ and at last for little or no Religion at all, I'm afraid I shall never bring my self to be reform'd by him. And so at him agen Weesil.

For who with Reason, if this be your way,
Will ever value what you Preach or Pray.

[Footnote: _Weesils_.]

But now I think I have said enough for the Plays, whose Authors are much better able to speak for themselves; and therefore will fall off to vindicate my self a little, and my Acquaintance _Don Quixot_; in which I will endeavour to prove another Immoral Vice in our Stage-Reformer, which is

_Injustice and Error in Criticism._

And first, his _Injustice_ appears by his ungentlemanlike exposing me and others by name, upon a scandalous occasion (as he endeavours to make it) without any Injury done by me to him, or ever giving him any provocation, or the Play's any way deserving it. Oh, but he'll say his Conscience urg'd him to do it--No--not a jot; 'twas dear darling Interest, in good faith, as shall hereafter appear; but in the mean time I am planted upon the shoulders of a Gyant, which is the Ingenious Author of the History of _Don Quixote_; and there indeed he guesses right, tho he knows nothing of him or of his History, as I will prove by and by, yet confidently, and Absolver-like, he ranges his objections under three heads, which are every one malicious and false, _viz._

First, _The Prophaneness, with respect to Religion and the Holy Scriptures_.

Secondly, _The Abuse of the Clergy_.

Thirdly, _The want of Modesty, and Regard to the Audience_.

Well, to prove the Prophaneness, he first instances a bold Song of mine, as he calls it, against Providence; four of the last lines of which he is only pleas'd to shew ye.

But Providence, that form'd the fair
In such a charming skin,
Their outside made its only care,
And never look'd within.

[Footnote: D. Quix. p. 1. p. 20.]

_Here_, says he, _the Poet tells ye Providence makes Mankind by halves, huddles up the Soul, and takes the least care of the better Moyety; this is direct blaspheming the Creation, and a Satyr upon God Almighty_. [Footnote: Collier p. 97.] Why, now this, I confess, is enough to provoke some heat in a fellow of my Constitution, to hear this Religious Raving; but yet it looks so like _Oliver's Porter's in Bedlam_, that I will be calm, and patiently holding up my hand, plead _Not Guilty_--to all of these objections. But first, pray why does he foyst in the word Mankind here to express the Female Sex, when t'other word is so much more proper. I did intend indeed a small Satyr upon _Womankind_, pursuant to _Marcella_'s Character, and he has vary'd from that word, I suppose, to amuse the Reader--I'll give ye the whole Stanza.

Did coy _Marcella_ own a Soul
As beauteous as her Eyes,
Her Judgment wou'd her Sence controul,
And teach her how to prize.
But Providence, that form'd the fair
In such a charming Skin,
Their outside made its only care,
And never look'd within.

I only rally a pretty coy wench here for her sullen ill nature, without any Satyr on the Deity, or any thing like it; for as to the _Blasphemy_, as he calls it, by naming the word _Providence_, 'tis generally intended in Lyrical Poetry for _Goddess Nature_, or _Fortune_, as Mr _Vanbrooke_ notes; but never apply'd seriously to the true Deity, but only by Dr _Crambo_. How often have we this phrase in Poetry, _Nature has made her Body charming; see her bright Eyes, the charming gifts of Nature_, &c. making use still of the second cause instead of the first, which we yet know to be the original of all. And 'tis no more Blasphemy to say that Providence took more care of a perverse beautiful Womans Body than her Soul, than 'tis to say that the Sun made a gay Tulip flourish in a Garden to delight the Eye, not caring three-pence tho it never smelt so sweet as a Province rose.

But I have a Rigid Critick and a Severe Inquisitor to deal with--He will have a Satyr upon the true Deity, tho I intend nothing of it. And to go on, my next advance he says is to Droll upon the _Resurrection_; and to prove it, squirts out these two lines, which are pick'd out of twenty--which he thinks are fit for his purpose--

Sleep and Indulge thy self with rest,
Nor dream thou e're shalt rise again.

[Footnote: Ibid.]

Now you must know this Song was design'd a solemn piece of morality, and sung as a Requiem or Dirge at the Funeral of _Ambrosio_--A young Gentleman that dy'd for Love of the aforesaid _Marcella_--You shall have it all, that you may judge what Drolling is in't.

(1.)
Sleep, sleep, poor Youth, sleep, sleep in Peace,
Reliev'd from Love, and mortal care,
Whilst we that pine in Life's disease,
Uncertain blest, less happy are.
(2.)
Couch'd in the dark and silent Grave,
No ills of Fate thou now canst fear;
No more shall Tyrant Power inslave,
Or scornful Beauty be severe.
(3.)
Wars, that do fatal storms disperse,
Far from thy happy Mansion keep;
Earthquakes, that shake the Universe,
Can't rock thee into sounder sleep.
(4.)
With all the Charms of Peace possest,
Secur'd from Life's tormentor, Pain:
Sleep and indulge thy self with rest,
Nor dream thou e're shall rise again.
(5.)
Past are the Pangs of fear and doubt,
The Sun is from the Dial gone,
The Sands are sunk, the Glass is out,
The folly of the Farce is done.

[Footnote: D. Quix. p 20.]

Now will I be judg'd by any reasonable Man, if these words comparatively are not fitter for an _Anthem_ than a Droll, but the Reformers way of doing me Justice, is to take bits and morsels out of things, that for want of the connexion, they may consequently appear ridiculous, as here he does. Again, in his third objection against my third Song, where he says-- _I_, (that is in my own person) _make a jest of the Fall, rail at _Adam_ and _Eve_;_ and then _Oliver's Porter_, raving again, says, _I burlesque the Conduct of God Almighty_; [Footnote: Ibid.] now, pray judge whether it ought to be Constru'd so or no. This Song is suppos'd to be made and sung by _Gines de Passamonte_, a most notorious Atheistical Villain, who, as he is going Chain'd to the Galleys, is redeem'd from them by _Don Quixot_ in his frantick fit; after which, being extreamly pleas'd at the success, he, to make his deliverer merry, entertains him with this Vindication of a Rogue, which is indeed a Satyr upon Humanity in general. I will add agen to our Criticks morsel, for he notes but the four first lines in a place, and give ye one whole Stanza.

When the World first knew Creation,
A Rogue was a Top profession;
When there were no more
In all Nature but four,
There were two of 'em in Transgression.
And the seeds are no less
Since that we may guess,
But have in all Ages bin growing apace;
And Lying and Thieving,
Craft, Pride and Deceiving,
Rage, Murder and Roaring,
Rape, Incest and Whoring,
Branch out from Stock, the rank Vices in vogue,
And make all Mankind one Gigantical Rogue.

And so on: Now tho I grant this might be look'd on as prophane in it self, without application, yet when spoken by one of his character, whom I design to expose, it is no more than natural Character, and has so little the quality of Prophaneness, that my impartial Reader will find a very good Moral in it, by the odious representation of such Atheistical impudence; yet our good natur'd Critick makes me the Prophaner. He, cramm'd full of wonderful Justice, makes me the _Vice_ my self, that only act the true duty of a Poet, and hold up the Glass for others to see their _Vices_ in, but his Malice will not be Authentick with every one, no more than his next Addle Criticism, upon my using the word _Redeemer_ will bear the Test; for he that will argue that that word may not be innocently spoken in Temporal Matters, because it is sometimes us'd as a _Divine Attribute_, will prove himself rather a Coxcomb than a Casuist: And yet for only this poor word the Cat with Nine Tails are up again, and the Inquisitor in a rage cries out, _these insolencies are too big for the Correction of a Pen_. [Footnote: Collier, p. 198.] Very fine, what horrible correction this deserves, is easily judg'd, and I believe 'twill be own'd too, that if Doctor Absolution (when the charitable Prelates good Nature and Purse got him out of his Stone Apartment yonder, into which _his bigotted obstinacy and not his tender Conscience_ had thrown him) did not think him his _Redeemer_, and thank him as his _Redeemer_, he does not only deserve Correction for his wicked ingratitude, (which _especially in one of his Coat, is an immoral Cheat upon Heaven_) but to have the same punishment that another of his Coat and Kidney lately had, for a Cheat upon the Government and People.

But to go on: In the next place he finds fault with my making sport with Hell, and recites six Lines, which are made of Dogril Stuff, on purpose by the Duke's Servants, who, for his diversion, Acting a kind of Farce are to fright _Sancho_ with Goblings and Furies--but to shew his own Wit in the first Onset here, he has notably made the two first Lines half nonsence.

Appear ye fat Fiends that in Limbo do groan,
That were, when in flesh, the same Souls as his own.

Instead of-- _that wore when in flesh_, &c.

You that always in _Lucifer_'s Kitchin reside,
'Mongst Sea-coal and Kettles, and grease newly Try'd,
That pamper'd each day with the Garbidge of Souls,
Broil Rashers of Fools for a Break-fast on Coals.

[Footnote: Collier, p. 198.]

Words adapted only to _Sancho_'s Clownship, course Breeding, and Kitchin Profession, and with no more intent of Impiety in them, than if one should put on a Devils Vizard to play with a Child, does he note again as horrible Prophaneness, and says he does me no wrong in't; now if he insists that Hell is too serious a thing to ridicule, why, perhaps, I think so too, in its Intense quality; but to act a Goblin, a Ghost, a Frog, or a Fury, and to sing to a Country Clown of such Bugbear matters, only to cause a little Diversion in a Noblemans House, has always been very customary, especially at Festivals, and far from being thought to ridicule the main matter. The _Absolver_, to turn back a little, affirms indeed, That _those that bring Devils upon the stage, can hardly believe them any where else_ [Footnote: Collier, p. 189.]; but I can give an instance, that our famous _Ben Johnson_, who I will believe had a Conscience as good as the Doctors, and who liv'd in as Pious an Age, in his Comedy call'd the _Devil's an Ass_ [Footnote: Vid. _Devil's an Ass_, p. 9.], makes his first Scene a Solemn Hell, where _Lucifer_ sits in State with all his Privy-Council about him: and when he makes an under Pug there beaten and fool'd by a Clod-pated Squire and his wanton Wife, the Audience took the Representation morally, and never keck'd at the matter. Nay, _Milton_, tho' upon his secred Subject, comes very near the same thing too; but we must not laugh at silly _Sancho_, nor put on a Devils face to fright him, but we must be disciplin'd; nay, more, Presented for it. Here, tho' I digress a little, I cannot forbear telling some, that were too busie in doing that Office, that 'tis more easie to accuse our Writings for Blasphemous, than to prove them to be so. To detect us indeed fairly, and prove it upon us, would deserve severe Chastisement; but if it be mistake, and our reputations are injur'd by Rashness and Injustice, or Ignorance, reflection upon it is at least reasonable, and just reproof I think not improper. But to go on; my next fault is the Ass that's brought upon the Stage in the Epilogue, with two lines alluding to _Balaam_'s.

And as 'tis said a Parlous Ass once spoke,
When Crab-tree Cudgel did his rage provoke, &c.

Here he says, _I brought the Ass in only to laugh at the Miracle_: [Footnote: Collier, p. 199.] Not I, truly, I had no such intention upon my word; I brought the Ass in, and _Dogget_ upon him, only to make the Audience laugh at his figure at the end of the Play, as well as they had at the beginning; but I believe if I had put an _Absolver_ upon his back, giving him a Blessing, it would have been more divertive by half; but let him alone, the next horrible Crime is, I meddle with Churchmen, and there my _malice makes me_, he says, _lay about me like a Knight Errant_; [Footnote: Collier, p. 200.] but I believe I shall prove, for all the modesty he pretends to, that his malice is more in reference to Poets, than ever mine was to Churchmen. Well, my Second Part begins, he says, with _Devil's being brought upon the Stage_, who cries, _As he hopes to be sav'd; and _Sancho_ warrants him a good Christian._ Now this is a ridiculous mistake, for this Devil is only a Butler, and a Jest of his _Giants_, the witty Author of the History of _Don Quixot_, where one of the Duke's Servants acting a Devils Part to fright the Knight and Squire, blunders it out before he is aware, and _Sancho _hearing it, as foolishly replies. This would be humorously witty now with any one but our Critick; but he's resolv'd to see double, as he does presently again with my _deep-mouth'd swearing_ which he says is frequent, tho he has quoted none on't, and therefore the Reader is not oblig'd to believe him. But then I have made the _Curate _Perez_ assist at the ridiculous Ceremony of _Don Quixot_;_ I have so--what then?--but I have made him _have wit enough_, however, to know _Don Quixot_ for a Madman; but then _Sancho_, by way of Proverb, tells him, _Ah--Consider dear Sir, no Man is born wise_: to which briskly replies the Doctor, _What if he were born wise, he might be bred a Fool_. [Footnote: Collier, Ibid.] Faith, no Doctor: and to be free with ye, (_en Raillere_) as you have been with me, must beg leave to tell ye, If you had been born wise enough to be a Reformer, your Breeding could never have made ye Fool enough to be an Absolver; I mean in a Case like you know what; but let us proceed. The next is a swinger, and his Lash cuts even to the blood: for here _Sancho_, full of innocent simplicity, says, _A Bishop is no more than another Man, without Grace and good Breeding_. To which he presently darts out, _I must needs say, if the Poet had any share of either of these Qualities, he would be less bold with his Superiors, and not give his Clowns the liberty to Droll thus heavily upon a solemn Character_. [Footnote: Ibid.] Why, faith, now this is very hard, I have known a Country Wench name a _Bishop_ in the Burning-too of a Hasty-Pudding, and never heard that any of the Reverend took it ill, because it was a Common Saying, and below their notice. But poor _Sancbo_, or rather indeed _Sancho_'s Poet, my self, must be corrected for it, tho the Phrase be Moral, and no more than an honest truth: But come, since it must be so, let me ask the doctor why he does not shew me an example for this himself, and Practice better before he Accuses; for let the Reader look into his _Desertion Discuss'd_ (for he shall find that I have trac'd him through all his Writings), and page the 3d you will find him, I think, somewhat more guilty of this fault than I have been, for there you'll see he insolently affirms, _That the Succession cannot be interrupted by an Act of Parliament, especially when the Royal Assent is given by a King _de Facto_, and not _de Jure_. [Footnote: _Desertion Discuss'd_, Anno 1688.] And again; tho this next is hinted covertly, with the meaning disguis'd, yet Sir _William Temple_ in his Memoirs, page 295, and the aforesaid Vindicater of the Stage, as well as my self, have observed, that the _Absolver_ in the first Volume of his Essays, page 120, in his Chapter of the _A..._ tells us, _Whether the honesty or dishonesty are discernable in the face, is a question which admits of dispute; King _Charles_ the Second thought he could depend upon these Observations, but with submission, I believe an instance might be given, in which his Rules of Physiognomy fail'd_ [Footnote: _Essays_, p.120.]. Now I'm sure the first is insolently plain, and the next shews enough to let us into his meaning; which granted, I think I may say, he ought to be less bold with his Superiors too, and not give himself the liberty to treat at this rate, not only a Solemn, but a _Royal Character_. Well, the next is, I, (naming me) take care to tell ye, that _Sancho_ is _a dry shrewd Countryfellow_ in his Character, _because he blunders out Proverbs upon all occasions, tho never so far from the purpose_--and merrily drolls upon me for making blundering and talking nothing to the purpose, an argument of shrewdness--Why truly, I must confess to the Doctor, there is no great matter in that Argument, and not much whither there be or no--But, as unperforming as I am, I fancy I shall find as great a Blunder in his performance presently-- _We ought to be just in our Looks, as well as in our Actions_, says he in his Essays, _for the mind may be declar'd one way no less than the other: A man might as good break his Word as his Face, especially upon some Critical occasions_ [Footnote: Essays p. 118.]. Now what he means by a mans breaking his Face there, unless he is to run his Nose against a Post, I can't imagine; and therefore will set it down for a Blunder--And so there's Tit for Tat, and the Dice in my hand still. But poor _Sancho_ is horribly unfortunate agen, for by and by he catches him answering the Curate, who threatens him for calling him Finisher of Fornication, and Conjunction Copulative, with Excommunication, _I care not if you do, says Sancho, I shall lose nothing by it but my Nap in an afternoon_ [Footnote: Collier, p. 201.]. Why truly this might be thought a little sawcy from one in Trowsers, to one in a Cassock, especially as the Reformer would have him reverenc'd. But perhaps this Pragmatical Curate _Perez_ was some _Non-Juror_, and poor _Sancho_ did not think he should profit by his Doctrine; and then the honest fellow was much in the right. This puts me in mind of a passage in one of Mr _Crown_'s Comedies, where a surly Joyner is rallying with a Doctor of no very good Reputation too; _Sirrah, Sirrah, says the Doctor, I shall have your Ears--No, No, says _Chizzel_, never when you preach, Doctor_. Our Absolver may apply this now as he pleases.

And here are a bundle of faults together--_Jodolet_, another Priest, is call'd holy Cormorant [Footnote: Ibid.], only because he eats a Turkey, and drinks a Bottle or two of Malaga for his Breakfast; and the Poet is jerk'd because a gormandizing _Romish_ Priest is call'd a Pimp agen; and the Duke's Steward, _Manuel_, is no _witty pleasant fellow_, because he calls the Chaplain, whom I mentioned in the beginning of my Preface, and who is, no doubt, the sole occasion of this Gentleman's Pique to me--Mr _Cuff-cushion_; and because having an insight into his Character, he tells him, _a Whore is a Pulpit be loves_ [Footnote: Ibid.]; but my hope is, that my Reader will think him no fool for this, tho the Carper does, who then tells the Chaplain _Saygrace_, _and he supposes prays to God to bless the entertainment of the Devil_, tho there is not a word of a Grace spoke at all; and after, when he grows hot, positive, and impertinent, which the Duke his patron being at Table, only bears with, to divert himself, he insolently calls _Don Quixot_, Don Coxcomb, who justly enrag'd, returns him in this Language:

Oh thou vile black Fox, with a Firebrand in thy Tail, thou very
priest, thou kindler of all Mischiefs in all Nations, de'e hear,
Homily, did not the reverence I bear these Nobles--I would so thrum
your Cassock, you Church Vermin-- [Footnote: Collier, p. 202.]

Here now, to shew his Justice he slily stops and gives a dash, so makes it Nonsense, but I shall make bold to piece it out again. _Did not the reverence I bear these Nobles, tye up my hands from doing myself Justice, I would so thrum your Cassock you Church Vermin_--Now, because my Reader shall find that I have naturally pursu'd the character of this Chaplain, as _Don Quixot_'s Historian has presented him to me, you shall hear what account he gives of him. Here is, says he,

a good Character of a poor Pedant; one of them that govern great
men's Houses, one of those, that as they are not born Noble, so they
know not how to instruct those that are; one of those, that would
have great men's Liberality measur'd by the streightness of their
own Minds; one of those, that teaching those they govern to be
frugal, would make 'em miserable. [Footnote: Shelton's _Translation
of the History of _D. Quix._ Chap._ 31. p. 152.]

Now this considerable person as you find him here, who was indeed for his senseless humour of designing to govern--us'd no otherwise than as the Buffoon of the Family--takes upon him to call _Don Quixot_ (whom the Authour imbellishes, with all manner of learning and good sense, bating his whimsical Chimæra of Knight Errantry,) _Goodman Dulpate_ and _Don Coxcomb_. Well, however the _Switcher_ here has escap'd for his usage of a Gentleman in or near this manner, I believe my Judges will agree, that my Knight was so far from injuring the sawcy Trencherfly, by the reply he give him, that if he had not known and practic'd good breeding, better than the other, he would have broke his head into the bargain. As for his bidding him adieu in Language too prophane and scandalous for our Reformer to relate, is impossible, for he has prov'd often enough the contrary of that in his Book already. But for the Song in the Fourth Act, where the Country Fellow says, _Folks never mind now what those black Cattle say_ [Footnote: Ibid.]: He is only suppos'd for another Bumpkin, that amongst the rest of the Parishioners, had found out the Parsons blind side, and so behind his back took occasion to put a joke upon him, as well as the rest in that Satyr mention'd.

And now his third place is to prove my want of Modesty, and regard to the Audience--And here he's chewing his savoury word _Smutt_ agen, and says _Sancho_ and _Teresa_ talk it broad [Footnote: Collier, p. 203.]; but since his Modesty has not quoted it, I hope my Reader will believe so well of mine, to think I have not written it; I assure him I don't know of any. And I have prov'd our Reformer can mistake, as he does of _Marcellas_ Epilogue, who Raves, he says, with Raptures of Indecency, when the poor Creature is so cold, after her hot fit, that she rather wants a dram of the Bottle--But now, Bounce, for a full charge of Small Shot; here he has gather'd up a heap of Epithets together, without any words between, or connexion to make 'em sense; and this he says I divert the Ladies with--_Snotty nose, filthy vermin in the Beard, Nitty Jerkin, and Louse snapper, with the Letter in the Chamber-pot, and natural evacuation_. Why truly this is pretty stuff indeed, as his Ingenuity has put it together--but I hope every one will own, that each of these singly, when they are tagg'd to their sensible phrases, may be proper enough in Farce or Low Comedy; but as he has modell'd 'em, 'tis true they are very frightful--And if I had nothing to sing or say to divert Ladies better than this, I should think my self so despicable, that I would e'en get into the next Plot, amongst his Brother Grumblers--then despairing, do some doughty thing to deserve hanging, and depend upon no other comfort but his Absolution.

I remember, being lately at St. _James_'s, this very part of the Doctors Book was read or rather spelt out to me, with tickling satisfaction, by one whose Wit and good Manners are known to be just of the same weight, who, since he can be merry so easily, he shall laugh at some of the Reformers Hotch-potch too, as I have mingled it for him. _Jewish Tetragramaton, Stigian Frogs, reeking Pandæmoniums, Debauch'd Protagonists, Nauseous Ribaldry, Ranting Smutt, Abominable Stench_, Venus _and St _George_, _Juliana_, the Witch and the Parson of _Wrotham_ [Footnote: Collier's Epithetes.], with the admirable Popish story of the Woman that went to the Play-House and brought home the Devil with her_ [Footnote: Collier, p. 257.]--And the Devil's in't indeed, if this charming Rhetorick of his, (since he calls mine so) especially joyn'd with that fine story from _Tertullian_, don't divert the Ladies as well as t'other; for 'tis very like a Catholick miracle you must know, and the top wit of it is, that when the Parson is Conjuring, _he asks the Devil how he durst attack a Christian?_ who, like an admirable Joker as he was, answers, _I have done nothing but what I can justify, for I seiz'd her upon my own ground_. Now let the Devil be as witty as he can, I am sure the story, maugre _Tertullian_'s Authority, or the Doctor's either, is confounded silly, and downright nonsense, what credit soever it has with him for its likeness to Jesuiticism. And now I think I have prov'd too, that _a Clergy man can speak nonsense, pass it for humour too, and gratify his ease and his malice at once, without a Poet's putting his into his Mouth_. And since we have been speaking of quibbling, I shall digress a little to entertain the Reader on that subject. Our Critick rallies Mr _Dryden_'s _Sancho_ in _Love Triumphant_, for saying, _dont provoke me, I'm mischievously bent_, to which _Carlos_ a man of sense replys, _nay you are bent enough in conscience, but I have a bent Fist for Boxing; Here_ says he (smartly) _you have a brace of quibbles started in a line and a half [Footnote: Collier, p. 170.]_--Very true, you have so--But suppose quibbling or punning--but I think this is call'd punning--Is this Gentlemans humour--if so, being a Soldier, I don't see it calls his sense in question at all--but now pray let's see, how our Critick manages a quibble, with a blunder tack'd to the Tail on't, in the page before, there, in the aforesaid Play, _Celidea_ in a passion cries,

Great Nature break thy Chain that links together
The Fabrick of this Globe, and make a Chaos,
Like that within my Soul--

[Footnote: Collier, p. 68.]

_Now_, says the Doctor, keen as a Razor, _if she had call'd for a Chair, instead of a Chaos, tripp'd off, and kept her folly to herself, the woman had been wiser._ Calling for a Chair instead of a Chaos is an extreme pretty Quibble truly--but if the Critick had let the Chair-men have tripp'd off with her, instead of doing it herself as she sat in a Chair, I'm sure the blunder had been sav'd, and I think he had exprest himself a little wiser than he has--And come, now my hand's in, let's parallel Mr _Dryden_ with our Reformer a little longer--_Church-men_ (says _Benducar_ in _Don Sebastian_,

Tho they Itch to govern all,
Are silly, woful awkward Politicians,
They make lame mischiefs, tho they meant it well.

[Footnote: Collier, p.104.]

So much the better_, says he, _for tis a sign they are not beaten to the trade_--Oh, that's a mistake, Doctor, they may be beaten to the Trade, and yet be bunglers--And proceeding:

_Their Interest is not finely drawn, and hid,_
_But Seams are coursely bungled up, and seen.

[Footnote: Ibid.]

_These Lines_, says he, _are an Illustration taken from a Taylor._ They are so, but what Justice is it in him to lessen 'em, whose own flights are ten times more ridiculous: For example, talking just before of tumbling the Elements together, he says, _and since we have shewn our skill of Vaulting on the High Ropes, a little Tumbling on the Stage may not do amiss for variety_ [Footnote: Collier, p. 158.]. And now I will refer my self to the severest Critick of his party, whether an Illustration taken from a Taylor is not better than one taken from a Vagabond Rope-dancer, or Tumbler, forty times over; but his sense and way of Writing he thinks will infallibly overcome censure; not with me I assure him, to confirm it I must remark him once more, and then my digression shall end. He tells ye _Cleora_, in the Tragedy of _Cleomenes_, _is not very charming, her part is to tell you_, her Child suck'd to no purpose.

It pull'd and pull'd but now, but nothing came;
At last it drew so hard that the Blood follow'd,
And that red Milk I found upon its Lips,
Which made me swoon for fear.

[Footnote: Cleomenes.]

There, says he, is a description of sucking for ye: And then like another Devil of a Joker runs on, truly _one would think the Muse on't were scarcely wean'd_--Very likely; and here I warrant he thinks his Witty Criticism, as safely hous'd now as a Thief in a Mill, as the old Saw has it, did not his plaguee want of Memory now and then contrive to disgrace him; or if you turn to the thirty fourth page of his Lampoon, as Mr _Vanbrooke_ calls it, after he has been comparing a fine young Lady to a _Setting-bitch-teacher.

Lower yet--down, down_, and after he has been bringing forth a Litter of Mr. _Congreeves_ Epithetes, as he calls them, _soothing softness, sinking Ease, wafting Air, thrilling Fears, and incessant scalding Rain_ [Footnote: Collier, p. 34.], all Crude, just as he did mine before, without any connexion of sense to 'em: He tells ye more plain in troth than wittily, that _they make the Poem look like a Bitch overstock'd with Puppies, and suck the sense almost to Skin and Bone_. [Footnote: Ibid, --.] For a Child to suck the Mother till the Blood follows, I think is not unreasonable, but for a Litter of Epithetes to suck the sense of a Poem to the Skin and Bone, is such Fustian stuff that nothing but a Creature, only fit for a Sucking-bottle, could be Author of--And now I think if he has given me any _Crocus Metallorum_, I am even with him with a Dose of _Jollop_, and can whisk too from one Play to another indifferently well, tho not so fast as he; for when I perus'd him first, I could compare him to nothing but an Humble Bee in a Meadow, Buz upon this Daizy, Hum upon that Clover, then upon that Butter-flower--sucking of Honey, as he is of Sense--or as if upon the hunt for knowledge, he could fly from hence to the Colledge at _Downy_, then to St. _Peter_'s at _Rome_, then to _Mahomet_ at _Mecha_, then to the Inquisition at _Goa_--And then buz home again to his own dormitory in _Shooe-lane_: And so much for his injustice, now to his errour in Criticism again, and to proceed in defence of _Don Quixot_.

_Mary_ the Buxom, he says now swears faster 'tis false, and I deny it, she is so far from swearing fast, that she does not (rude as her character is) swear at all, unless the poor interjection I'cod--by his Authority can be made an Oath; and then if you'll peruse him on, here is a whole page and half upon this hint, That the Ladies must have left their Wits and Modesties behind them that came, and lik'd her Words or Actions; and that her Nastiness, and dirty Conversation, is a Midnight Cart, or a Dunghil, instead of an Ornamental Scene. [Footnote: Collier, p. 204.] Now you don't find out our Gentlemans malicious meaning by this, but I shall inform ye. He says, I'm sorry the Ladies brought their Wits and Modesties with them, that came to see this Character; and yet all the whole Town can witness, that as many of the Ladies as could get into the Play-House came thither, to wait upon Her late _Majesty of Sacred Memory_, who did me that honour only for my benefit; and who was of so nice a Temper, relating to Modesty, that if so much as a hint had been given her by those had seen it before, of such a thing as Immodesty, she had never came, much less had been diverted, as she was, when she did come; but this I take as striking at _her_ through my sides; and I think, to use his own words, _is above the Correction of the Pen_. [Footnote: Collier, p. 206.] The next is such senseless malice, or ignorance, that it deserves a hoot; he finds _Manuel_ in _Don Quixot_ (playing in his Farce for the Dukes diversion) addressing to the Dutchess in this manner, in a Jargon of Phrase made ridiculous on purpose: _Illustrious beauty, I must desire to know whether the most purifidiferous _Don Quixot_ of the _Manchissima_, and the Squireiferous _Pancha_, be in this Company or no_. To whom _Sancho_ replies, imitating, as he thinks this fine stile, _Why lookee, forsooth, without any more flourishes, the Governor _Pancha_ is here, and _Don Quixotissimo_ too, therefore, most Afflictedissimous Matronissima, speak what you Willissimus, for we are all ready to be your Servitorissimus_. [Footnote: Vid. Shelton's _Translation of _Don Quixot_, p._ 205.] And this now he inserts as my own Invention and manner of Stile, which is taken _verbatim_ from the History of _Don Quixot_, and is by all those that can judge of humour, very pleasant and fit for that purpose. Now if he has never read that History, his ignorance has abus'd me; and if he has, his impudence has, of which us perceiv'd he has Stock enough, for presently he worries me for saying, in my Epistle Dedicatory to the Duchess of _Ormond_, That _I date my good fortune from her prosperous influence_, and says 'tis _Astrological_. [Footnote: Collier, p. 207.] I don't know whether it has that sort of Learning in't or no, but 'tis as good sense as when he says, like a Wag as he is, that the Ladies fancy is just _slip-stocking high, and she seems to want sense more than her Break-fast_. [Footnote: Collier, p. 92.] Fancy slip-stocking high? no, no, the merry Grig must mean her pretty Leg was seen so high, for the Master of Art, I beg pardon of the rest that their Title is scandaliz'd, could never mean such Nonsence as t'other sure.

And now drawing near to an end, his malice grows more plainly to a head, by endeavouring to lessen my Credit with my Patron Mr. _Montague_, whose generous Candor and good Nature to me, and indeed to us all, he perhaps has heard of, for here our modest and moral Critick, has either mistaken the words, or found out a slip of the Press, which because it happens to be Nonsence, he has very gladly exposed for mine; 'tis in my Epistle to my aforesaid Patron, thus:

Had your Eyes shot the haughty Austerity upon me of a right Courtier,
your valued minutes had never been disturbed with dilatory Trifles
of this nature; but my heart, on dull Consideration of your Merit,
had supinely wish'd you Prosperity at a distance_.
[Footnote: Collier, p. 207.]

Mine in my Copy was written [_due Consideration_] but Doctor Crambo will have you believe, I consider'd so little to write the t'other; but now I will hold twenty Stubble Geese to the same number of Tithe Pigs, whenever he is preferr'd to be a Curate again, that I make my Patron smile more at my Entertainment of him at his own Cost, than ever he did at his quoting my _dull Consideration_, which no body but the _dull Absolver_ could imagine a Man with any Brains could write. And to prove I have yet a few, I will try to Paraphrase upon his Farewel to me, the Translation in Verse, but the Reader shall have his first.

I like an Author that Reforms the Age,
And keeps the right Decorum of the Stage;
That always pleases by Just Reason's Rule;
But for a tedious Droll, a quibbling Fool,
Who with low nauseous Bawdry fills his Plays,
Let him be gone, and on two Tressels raise
Some _Smithfield_ Stage, where he may act his Pranks,
And make _Jack Puddings_ speak to Mountebanks.

[Footnote: Collier,]

Your humble Servant good Doctor--Well, now for me.

I like a Parson, that no Souls does Lurch,
And keeps the true Decorum of the Church;
That always preaches by Just Reason's Rule;
But for a Hypocrite, a Canting Fool,
Who, cramm'd with Malice, takes the Rebels side,
_And would, for Conscience, palm on us his Pride,_
Let him, for Stipend, to the _Gubbins*_ sail,
And there Hold-forth for Crusts and Juggs of Ale.

[*: A Savage kind of People in the West of _England_.]

And so much by way of Prose, I shall only now give the Reformer a little further Advice, in return of his, in my Lyrical way, which is in a Fable of _A Dog and an Otter_; and to turn his own words upon him, the Citation may possibly be of some service to him, for if not concern'd in the Application, he may at least be precaution'd by the Moral. I find he knows I can sing to other Peoples sense, I'll try now if I can make him sing to mine: And when he Diverts, or is Diverted with _Vox_, then, _Preterea nihil_.

* * * * *

_Maxims_ and _Reflections_

upon

PLAYS.

(_In Answer to a Discourse, Of the Lawfullness
and Unlawfullness of PLAYS. Printed
Before a late PLAY Entituled,
BEAUTY in DISTRESS_.)

Written in FRENCH by
the Bp. of MEAVX.

And now made ENGLISH

The PREFACE By another HAND.

_LONDON_,

Printed for R. Sare, at _Grays-Inn_ Gate, in
_Holborne_. 1699.

* * * * *

THE PREFACE

The Charge drawn up by _Mr. Collier_, against the English Stage hath obliged the Persons concerned in it, to use all possible methods for their own Vindication. But their Endeavours of this kind have been such as seem to have done no great Service to their Cause. The natural Reflection, arising upon the present State of the Controversy, is, that, when Persons so nearly concerned and so well qualified, to say all that the case will bear, have yet been able to say so little to the main points of the Accusation brought against them, the only effectual Reply would be either to write no more for the Stage, or to write for it after quite another manner, than of late hath been done. They that have attempted to answer the _View_ are in good hands already. But since other Succours are called in from abroad, 'tis fit the World should know, that this Reserve too hath been already defeated in it's own Countrey. And that we ought not to be imposed upon here in England, with an Adversary, _whose Arguments have been not only confuted and Scorned by Others, but also retracted by Himself, at home.

That Moroseness of humour, which Some in great good manners have of late been pleased to fix upon the English as their peculiar Character, might possibly be thought to dispose us to a blameable Extreme of Rigor in these matters. And therefore a Forreign Authority was artificially enough brought in, to reproach our pretended Niceness and Austerity. But when the Arguments of this Reply are observed to carry the Point as high, as even the so much upbraided _View_ it self; All but the Willfully blind must see, that even the Gayeties of France could not endure the Corruptions of the Modern Theatres. And that the Complaints against such detestable Abuses are not due to any Quality of the Climate, or particular turn of Temper; but to the common and uniform Principles of Christianity and Virtue, which are the same in every Nation, professing to be governed by them.