Chapter XVII: With the Men of Science

On the science of fifty years ago, much might be written but for a single reason--namely, that I know very little indeed about the condition of science in that remote period, and very little about science of to-day. There were no telegraph wires, but there were semaphores talking to each other all day long; there was no practical application of electricity at all; there was no telephone--I wish there were none now; there were no anæsthetics; there were no--but why go on? Schools had no Science Masters; universities no Science Tripos; Professors of Science were a feeble folk. I can do no better for this chapter than to reproduce a report of a Scientific Meeting first published in Tilt’s Annual, to which Hood, Thackeray, and other eminent professors of science contributed, for the year 1836:--

EXTRACTS FROM THE PROCEEDINGS OF THE ASSOCIATION OF BRITISH
ILLUMINATI, AT THEIR ANNUAL MEETING, HELD IN DUBLIN, AUGUST, 1835.

Dr. Hoaxum read an interesting paper on the conversion of moonbeams
into substance, and rendering shadows permanent, both of which
he had recently exemplified in the establishment of some public
companies, whose prospectuses he laid upon the table.

Mr. Babble produced his calculating machine, and its wonderful
powers were tested in many ways by the audience. It supplied to
Captain Sir John North an accurate computation of the distance
between a quarto volume and a cheesemonger’s shop; and solved a
curious question as to the decimal proportions of cunning and
credulity, which, worked by the rule of allegation, would produce a
product of 10,000_l._

Professor Yon Hammer described his newly discovered process for
breaking stones by an algebraic fraction.

Mr. Crowsfoot read a paper on the natural history of the Rook. He
defended their _caws_ with great _effect_, and proved that there
is not a _grain_ of truth in the charges against them, which only
arise from _Grub_ Street malice.

The Rev. Mr. Groper exhibited the skin of a toad, which he
discovered alive in a mass of sandstone. The animal was found
engaged on its autobiography, and died of fright on having its
house so suddenly broken into, being probably of a nervous habit
from passing so much time alone. Some extracts from its memoir
were read, and found exceedingly interesting. Its thoughts on the
‘silent system’ of prison discipline, though written _in the dark_,
strictly agreed with those of our most _enlightened_ political
economists.

Dr. Deady read a scientific paper on the manufacture of
Hydro-_gin_, which greatly interested those of the association who
were members of Temperance Societies.

Mr. Croak laid on the table an essay from the Cabinet Makers’
Society, on the construction of _frog-stools_.

Professor Parley exhibited his speaking machine, which distinctly
articulated the words ‘_Repale! Repale!_’ to the great delight of
many of the audience. The learned Professor stated that he was
engaged on another, for the use of his Majesty’s Ministers, which
would already say, ‘My Lords and Gentlemen;’ and he doubted not,
by the next meeting of Parliament, would be able to pronounce the
whole of the opening speech.

Mr. Multiply produced, and explained the principle of, his
exaggerating machine. He displayed its amazing powers on the
mathematical point, which, with little trouble, was made to appear
as large as a coach-wheel. He demonstrated its utility in all the
relations of society, as applied to the failings of the absent--the
growth of a tale of scandal--the exploits of travellers, &c. &c.

The Author of the ‘Pleasures of Hope’ presented, through a
member, a very amusing Essay on the gratification arising from the
throttling of crying children; but as the ladies would not leave
the room, it could not be read.

Captain North exhibited some shavings of the real Pole, and a
small bottle which, he asserted, contained scintillations of
the Aurora Borealis, from which, he stated, he had succeeded in
extracting pure gold. He announced that his nephew was preparing
for a course of similar experiments, of which he expected to know
the result in October. The gallant Captain then favoured the
company with a dissertation on phrenology, of which, he said, he
had been a believer for thirty years. He stated that he had made
many valuable verifications of that science on the skulls of the
Esquimaux; and that, in his recent tour in quest of subscribers
to his book, his great success had been mainly attributable to
his phrenological skill; for that, whenever he had an opportunity
of feeling for soft places in the heads of the public, he knew in
a moment whether he should get a customer or not. He said that
whether in the examination of ships’ heads or sheep’s heads--in
the choice of horses or housemaids, he had found the science
of pre-eminent utility. He related the following remarkable
phrenological cases:--A man and woman were executed in Scotland
for murder on presumptive evidence; but another criminal confessed
to the deed, and a reprieve arrived the day after the execution.
The whole country was horrified; but Captain North having examined
their heads, he considered, from the extraordinary size of their
destructive organs, that the sentence was prospectively just, for
they must have become murderers, had they escaped hanging then.
Their infant child, of six months old, was brought to him, and,
perceiving on its head the same fatal tendencies, he determined
to avert the evil; for which purpose, by means of a pair of
moulds, he so compressed the skull in its vicious propensities,
and enlarged it in its virtuous ones, that the child grew up a
model of perfection. The second instance was of a married couple,
whose lives were a continued scene of discord till they parted. On
examining their heads scientifically, he discovered the elementary
causes of their unhappiness. Their skulls were unfortunately too
thick to be treated as in the foregoing case; but, causing both
their heads to be shaved, he by dint of planing down in some
places, and laying on padding in others, contrived to produce
all the requisite phrenological developments, and they were then
living, a perfect pattern of conjugal felicity, ‘a thing which
could not have happened without phrenology.’ (This dissertation
was received with loud applauses from the entire assembly, whose
phrenological organs becoming greatly excited, and developed in an
amazing degree by the enthusiasm of the subject, they all fell to
examining each other’s bumps with such eagerness that the meeting
dissolved in confusion.)