Chapter III: Part 3

MRS JENNINGS. Oh, such a thing I've found in this paper.

DUKE. What is it? Has the Government gone out again?

MRS JENNINGS. Not it! Something much more important! Here's a recipe for tomatoes with cream, which I've been looking for all my life.

DUKE [_much excited_]. Tomatoes! Oh, how immensely interesting! I am passionately fond of tomatoes!

MRS JENNINGS. So am I!

DUKE. I've been longing to find a new way of cooking them.

MRS JENNINGS. So have I! And now I shall know it!

DUKE. So shall I!

MRS JENNINGS. Listen! "Cut off the tops, scoop out the seeds without breaking the outer skin--put them into a large stew pan--"

DUKE [_listening intently_]. The seeds?

MRS JENNINGS [_impatiently_]. No, no, man! The tomatoes! "Put them in a stew pan with a gill of oil"--that's the secret of frying, mind you. Oil, not butter! Frying oil, the very best oil!

DUKE. Oh, an intelligent woman!

MRS JENNINGS. "Chop up some button mushrooms, some parsley, some endive, some celery, some olives, some oysters, some minced ham, and some fat bacon; fry all together for five minutes, add the yolks of two eggs and a tablespoonful of the thickest cream; fill some patties with the mixture, bake for ten minutes and serve. This makes a delicious dish." I'm sure it must be! A dish fit for a Duke!

DUKE. For a Duke--it must, indeed!

MRS JENNINGS. And to think I should have taken up the paper accidentally and come upon it all at once!

DUKE [_with feeling_]. Yes, indeed! It was a rare piece of good fortune. I am glad to see, madam, that you are interested in cookery.

MRS JENNINGS. I am, indeed! More than in anything else.

DUKE. Oh, how I admire you for it! Now that is my ideal of what a woman's interest in life should be. I love to picture her graceful feminine intelligence playing round such things as--as--

MRS JENNINGS. Tomatoes--

DUKE. Exactly. Tomatoes, or some other fragrant product of the soil. There is to me something repulsive in the idea of a woman's mind endeavouring to grapple with magisterial problems or political research. No! Let her rather spend hours of patient investigation amongst her saucepans, endeavouring to wring from them their secrets.

MRS JENNINGS. It doesn't take me as long as that, I can tell you, to find out if a saucepan is clean or dirty.

DUKE. I was thinking of the finer problems of the saucepan, the delicate combinations which reveal the true artist. Tell me, dear lady, do you ever go into your kitchen, and play the part of tutelary genius of your establishment?

MRS JENNINGS. Into my kitchen!!! I should think so! I'm hardly ever out of it.

DUKE. I was sure of it. I picture you flitting to and fro, presiding over the culinary labours of the day, surrounded by a bevy of deft and noiseless maidens--

MRS JENNINGS. Oh, as to that, the less we say about them, the better. Kitchen-maids are a set of careless, chattering hussies. They break the plates and burn the vegetables, and then they say their mothers are ill and they must go away.

DUKE [_puzzled_]. Oh! Are they such good daughters?

MRS JENNINGS [_contemptuously_]. Good fiddle-de-dees!

[_Voice outside_: Dulwich!]

MRS JENNINGS [_in excitement_]. Oh, look!

DUKE [_springing up and looking out_]. What is it?

MRS JENNINGS. Can't you see for yourself?

DUKE [_craning_]. I see nothing particular.

MRS JENNINGS. Nothing particular? [_Pointing_].

DUKE. Except the Crystal Palace. Is _that_ what you mean?

MRS JENNINGS. Well, isn't that enough for you?

DUKE. Oh, quite enough, I assure you.

MRS JENNINGS. Of course it's the Crystal Palace; there it is, shining away like anything.

DUKE. Do you consider it beautiful?

MRS JENNINGS. Beautiful? Never thought about that, but it's a most wonderful place.

DUKE. Oh, yes. The concerts you mean, and the fireworks.

MRS JENNINGS. I don't hold much with concerts, or fireworks either. It's the restaurant I am thinking of--the most wonderful restaurant with a chef in it who's the best in Europe, they say.

DUKE. Ah, that is wonderful, indeed.

MRS JENNINGS. I believe you. They say the Crystal Palace will soon get up again in the world if he stays there.

[_She is looking out of the window all this time. Whistle
outside. Train goes on. She continues to read her paper_].

MRS JENNINGS [_reading her paper_]. Ah, here is something in your line--autumn fashions and materials.

DUKE. In my line?

MRS JENNINGS. Isn't that the line you take in your travelling?

DUKE [_gallantly_]. Sometimes, madam, when I am travelling my attention is forcibly called to these things--when I have such exquisite specimens of the art under my eyes.

MRS JENNINGS. There you are again with your pretty speeches--but I must say I think I do look rather nice to-day. I've a particular reason.

DUKE [_looking at her admiringly_]. It must be a very particular reason that would justify such a hat as that.

MRS JENNINGS. Yes, the hat I must admit is rather a triumph. You'd hardly believe that it's a last year's hat, would you?

DUKE. Last year's! Never!

MRS JENNINGS. It is though; it's a hat warmed up again, so to speak.

DUKE [_politely_]. But not hashed!

MRS JENNINGS. No, not hashed, I flatter myself. All my friends tell me it looks like a hat from Paris.

DUKE. So it does!

MRS JENNINGS. The fact is that last year, when I was in Paris, I saw one just like it and copied it.

DUKE. Ah, that explains everything. Do you know Paris well?

MRS JENNINGS. Oh, yes. I've been a good deal in Paris. I studied there--[_catching herself up_]

DUKE. Studied! What?

MRS JENNINGS. Oh, never you mind what; things a woman ought to know.

DUKE. I didn't know such things could be learnt in Paris.

MRS JENNINGS. Ah, that's because you're a John Bull, my good friend, and haven't seen enough of the world. You should try to get leave, and travel on the Continent for a month or so. It opens one's mind considerably.

DUKE. Have you been much abroad? Your mind seems to be particularly open.

MRS JENNINGS. Yes. I don't think there is much of the oyster about me.

DUKE. Where else have you been?

MRS JENNINGS. Oh, pretty much all over--to Germany, to Italy, and to all sorts of foreign watering places.

DUKE [_starting_]. Foreign watering places? Have you ever met any Russian Princesses?

MRS JENNINGS. Russian Princesses! I should think so, all over the place. They're as common as blackberries!

DUKE [_disconcerted_]. As common as blackberries!

MRS JENNINGS. Oh, dear, yes! Russian Princesses of all kinds, good, bad, and indifferent.

DUKE. I wonder to which of those kinds a Princess belongs that I am interested in?

MRS JENNINGS. What's her name?

DUKE. Princess Blakowska--

MRS JENNINGS. Oh, I know her quite well.

DUKE [_thrilled_]. You know her?

MRS JENNINGS. Intimately. [DUKE _is thrilled with excitement_]. I should call her one of the indifferent ones--indifferent to what people say about them, I mean.

DUKE. Princess Blakowska! But I imagine her to be a most delightful charming woman.

MRS JENNINGS. So she is, most beguiling--most fascinating, but, after all, that is not the way to prevent people talking about you. A good many people seem to talk about Princess Blakowska.

DUKE. Do they indeed? [_Saddened_].

MRS JENNINGS [_nodding her head_]. Lots.

DUKE. Oh, do tell me what sort of a woman she is.

MRS JENNINGS. Very good looking--

DUKE. I was sure of it--

MRS JENNINGS. Very elegant looking; she is about my height and figure. We can quite well wear each other's clothes. She's got rather a temper.

DUKE. A temper!

MRS JENNINGS. Oh, yes! And it's that--and other things that made it rather difficult--[_she checks herself_]. But in one respect she would be a woman after your own heart.

DUKE. I've no doubt she would!

MRS JENNINGS. She has a passion for cookery.

DUKE. I knew it!

MRS JENNINGS. She understands more about dining than any other woman I ever met.

DUKE. Oh, what a delightful friend to have!

MRS JENNINGS. Yes, she is! She has been a very good friend to me, I must say, until--until we parted company. But why are you so interested in her? Do you know her?

DUKE. No, I don't know her exactly--but--from what I have heard and imagine of her, I should like to.

MRS JENNINGS. I daresay you would. Lots of people feel the same.

DUKE. To tell you the truth, I have been making an attempt to see her to-day, but without success. I went to her house in Berkeley Square, but now I am trying elsewhere.

MRS JENNINGS. But I thought you didn't know her.

DUKE [_embarrassed_]. No more I do, but we've been exchanging letters.

MRS JENNINGS. Exchanging letters?

DUKE [_with a face of rapture_]. Yes, yes; I've had two letters from her.

MRS JENNINGS [_looking at him with a sudden thought_]. I wonder if you are looking for something, too?

DUKE. Something?

MRS JENNINGS [_archly_]. Something connected with a situation--for someone....

DUKE. I am, indeed.

MRS JENNINGS. Oh, I see; that explains everything.

DUKE [_puzzled_]. Explains everything?

MRS JENNINGS. Your interest in tomatoes....

[_Voice outside_: Sydenham Hill! _Train stops_].

MRS JENNINGS [_jumping up_]. Oh, look! look!

DUKE. What is it this time?

MRS JENNINGS [_pointing_]. Don't you see?

DUKE. I see the Crystal Palace again. Is it still that?

MRS JENNINGS. Of course. And here you get another view of it. You see that bulge in the roof?

DUKE. Oh, yes; you mean the dome--

MRS JENNINGS. Well, whatever it's called, there's where the restaurant is. Oh, it does shine, doesn't it? Oh, what a place, isn't it? I do love seeing it.

[_Loud whistle: train moves_].

There now we don't see it again till we get to Beckenham.

DUKE. What a pity! I get out at Penge.

MRS JENNINGS. Look here, my good friend, I'll give you a word of advice. It isn't my business, I daresay, but if I were you, I don't think I'd try for the Princess Blakowska.

DUKE [_embarrassed_]. Try--for her?

MRS JENNINGS. I don't think it's a situation you'd like.

DUKE. A situation I should like!

MRS JENNINGS. At least, I know it's a situation other people haven't liked.

DUKE. Other people!

MRS JENNINGS. Oh, dear me, yes! She's always changing!

DUKE. Always changing!

MRS JENNINGS. Always. You know your own business best, of course, but there's a word to the wise for you, if you choose to take it. After all, these things are always a gamble, one never knows how they will turn out.

DUKE [_bewildered_]. A gamble?

MRS JENNINGS. I'm embarked on the same sort of adventure myself--I'm going for the Duke of Peckham Rye.

DUKE [_bounding from his seat_]. What, madam?

MRS JENNINGS. I daresay it won't be an altogether easy job. They say he's a queer customer sometimes.

DUKE. Queer customer!

MRS JENNINGS. Yes, very.

DUKE. I wonder what else they say about him!

MRS JENNINGS. Oh, they say he's rather a fogey, of course.

DUKE. A fogey!

MRS JENNINGS. And very fond of the ladies.

DUKE [_pleased_]. Oh, is he?

MRS JENNINGS. And that he can't be five minutes with one without making himself agreeable to her.

DUKE. Well, I don't call that a fault.

MRS JENNINGS. No, I daresay not, but I know nothing about that, of course, as my relations with him have been entirely on a business footing.

DUKE. Your relations with him?

MRS JENNINGS. Yes, we have been exchanging letters for the last week.

DUKE. Exchanging letters for the last week! [_With a sudden idea--aside_]. Ha! can it be that--no--it is not possible!

MRS JENNINGS. You'd never guess what subject he's been corresponding with me about--not quite the sort of thing you'd expect from a Duke.

DUKE [_aside_]. I really believe it is! [_Aloud_] Can it be the subject we were speaking about just now? Is it--

MRS JENNINGS. Cooking? Yes, it is! Now what do you think of that for the Duke of Peckham Rye?

DUKE. Madam, [_with emotion_] your words almost convince me that what I have been expecting is a certainty--yes, I have guessed your secret!

MRS JENNINGS [_amazed_]. My secret. [_With an idea_]. Oh, you have guessed that what you are trying for, I am very near to?

DUKE [_bewildered_]. What I am trying for?

MRS JENNINGS. Well, then, to speak plainly--Princess Blakowska.

DUKE [_excited_]. Ah! You admit how nearly the mention of that name has touched you.

MRS JENNINGS. What's the use of denying it?

DUKE. No good! It would be useless, for my heart tells me too surely that I am right.

MRS JENNINGS. Your heart! What's that got to do with it?

DUKE. From the moment you spoke, I was interested in you. It began to dawn on me who you were--you spoke of being abroad in foreign watering places--interested in cookery. A wild thought darted into my mind, but I hardly dared to hope. [MRS JENNINGS _alarmed_]. Then you told me of your correspondence with the Duke, and my heart filled with delight.

MRS JENNINGS [_alarmed, aside_]. The man is mad, I do believe!

DUKE. Now I know that you are she whom I have been seeking! Oh, what unlooked for happiness! You are the Princess Blakowska!

MRS JENNINGS. I, the Princess Blakowska!

DUKE. Yes, I have discovered your secret--don't try to conceal it any more.

MRS JENNINGS [_terrified, looks at him_]. Oh!

DUKE. You are, aren't you? Oh, say I am right!

MRS JENNINGS [_humouring--heartily_]. Of course, yes, of course! I am the Princess Blakowska.

DUKE. Oh, what unlooked for good fortune! That after thinking of you, dreaming of you, going across London to seek you in vain, Providence should bring us together!

MRS JENNINGS [_aside_]. This is horrible! He is quite out of his mind! Oh, what shall I do? Where is the cord of communication with the guard! Outside that window probably! [_Aloud_]. I feel a little faint--I should like to have some air. [_Goes to window_].

DUKE. Oh, pray let me!

MRS JENNINGS. No, thank you! I would rather do it myself!

[_Goes to window_, DUKE _standing too_].

DUKE. Do let me!

MRS JENNINGS. No, no, I tell you. [_Puts her hand out, gropes wildly about_]. Nothing! [_Tries to shut window_].

DUKE. Now, really, you must let me do that for you.

MRS JENNINGS [_returning quickly to her seat, aside_]. They're so fearfully strong at times!

DUKE [_struggling_]. This is certainly a stiff window.

MRS JENNINGS. Oh, where can that cord be? [_Sees a printed notice--reads it_]. No, the story of a man who was fined forty shillings for travelling in the wrong class. I shall have to pay £2 for travelling with a madman!

DUKE. At last!

[_Comes back and sits beside_ MRS JENNINGS. _She jumps into_
DUKE'S _seat opposite_].

DUKE [_smiling tenderly_]. And now, dear Princess, that I know your name, will you not try and guess mine?

MRS JENNINGS [_aside_]. This is positively awful! It's like a fairy tale. He'll eat me if I don't guess right.

DUKE. Can't you guess?

MRS JENNINGS. Well, I'm not sure!

DUKE. It is a name which is not unknown.

MRS JENNINGS [_pretending to have an idea_]. I have it; you are a dethroned king!

DUKE [_disappointed_]. No--you are laughing at me--I am not a king.

MRS JENNINGS. Oh, well--you are a Duke, then!

DUKE. A Duke, yes!

MRS JENNINGS [_aside_]. Lucky shot!

DUKE. Is it possible you can still doubt who I am, after the letters we have exchanged? [MRS JENNINGS _bewildered_]. I am the Duke of Peckham Rye!

MRS JENNINGS [_humouring him_]. Oh, indeed, yes! The Duke of Peckham Rye! Very nice, indeed!

DUKE [_aside_]. How curiously she takes it! She doesn't seem a bit interested. [_Aloud_]. I hoped, madam, after what had passed between us, that you would, perhaps, not be sorry that we should meet.

MRS JENNINGS. Of course, yes--I am delighted to make your acquaintance.

DUKE. Shall I confess to you with what a subtle mysterious charm my fancy had already, and rightly, invested you? The very paper on which your letters were written, the perfume which clung to them was dear to me.

MRS JENNINGS [_trying to conceal her uneasiness_]. Oh, yes, indeed, yes! Most kind of you, I'm sure!

DUKE. I have them next my heart--see, here they are!

[_Brings out packet of letters, shows her the cover of one_].

MRS JENNINGS [_starts and shrieks_]. What--what do I see! Princess Blakowska's hand-writing!

DUKE. Your own writing--yes, of course.

MRS JENNINGS [_agitated_]. But tell me--tell me quickly--how did you get that letter?

DUKE [_surprised_]. In the simplest way in the world, since it was addressed to me--my name's on the envelope!

MRS JENNINGS [_gasping_]. What--the Duke of Peckham Rye! It is not possible that you are really! Oh!

DUKE [_alarmed_]. What can be the matter, my dear Princess?

MRS JENNINGS. Oh, Princess! Was there ever such a situation as this? It is awful!

DUKE [_aside_]. Upon my word, I believe she is not quite right!

[MRS JENNINGS _suddenly bursts into fits of laughter_. DUKE
_looks excessively alarmed_. MRS JENNINGS _hides her face in her
hands, rocks backwards and forwards_].

DUKE [_looking at her terrified_]. That is the way a maniac laughs for nothing. I wonder if there is a cord. Perhaps, madam, you would like a little air? [_Goes to window, lets it down, and feels furtively about outside_]. [_Sadly_]. No, there is nothing.

MRS JENNINGS [_going into fresh fits of laughter_]. It's no use--I've already looked!

DUKE [_more and more mystified_]. You--have--already--looked?

MRS JENNINGS. Oh, I must laugh! I do beg your pardon, your Grace, but the whole thing is too extraordinarily absurd. You would never guess for whom I took you!

DUKE. For whom did you take me?

MRS JENNINGS. First for a commercial traveller--

DUKE. A commercial traveller!

MRS JENNINGS. And then--and then--oh, it is too dreadful!--for a cook!

DUKE. A cook! Me!

MRS JENNINGS. Yes, you, your Grace! Did you ever hear anything like it; but, after all, you took me for a Princess.

DUKE. But who are you, then? You told me you were the Princess Blakowska.

MRS JENNINGS. Yes, but I'm not--I told you that to humour you.

DUKE. Upon my word! To humour me?

MRS JENNINGS. Yes! Because I thought you were mad.

DUKE. And I thought _you_ were mad. One of us is, certainly!

MRS JENNINGS. It isn't me!

DUKE. Then why were you laughing in that insane way?

MRS JENNINGS [_laughing again_]. I was laughing to think how surprised you would be if you knew who I was.

DUKE. And who are you then? [_Impatiently_].

MRS JENNINGS [_hesitating_]. Oh, your Grace! you will never forgive me!

DUKE. Well, what is it?

MRS JENNINGS. Look inside your letter again, your Grace, the one Princess Blakowska wrote to you.

DUKE. What is all this mystery about? [_Opens letter and reads_]. "She will be glad to hear that he has secured the services of an artist like Susan Jennings." Well?

MRS JENNINGS. Now, can't you guess who I am? I am not the Princess Blakowska, your Grace, I am not, indeed; and yet--that letter concerns me.

DUKE [_gasping, looks at her transfixed_]. What! Is it possible that you are--

MRS JENNINGS. Susan Jennings! Yes! Oh, pray forgive me, it is not my fault that you thought I was the Princess.

DUKE. And you're the cook! [MRS JENNINGS _bows her head silently_]. What a precious fool I've been making of myself. But then why did you pretend you were somebody else? You said you were a first-class passenger.

MRS JENNINGS [_with dignity_]. Excuse me, your Grace! I didn't pretend. I had to come first because I'm on my way to call on your Grace. I'm still with the Princess at Penge till the end of the week. I went to your house at Grosvenor Gardens, and you were out, and now I am going back. I thought it was more suitable, everything considered, that I shouldn't run the risk of travelling with servants or people of inferior position.

DUKE. But my dear Princess--I mean, my dear madam--tut-tut--I mean, my good woman, what do you call yourself?

MRS JENNINGS. An artist.

DUKE. An artist! Yes, that was what the Princess said.

MRS JENNINGS. And, oh, your Grace, I _should_ like to try those tomatoes for you.

DUKE. Those tomatoes! Well, Mrs Jennings, if you are sure you can be discreet and silent, and will reveal to no one what has passed between us to-day--

MRS JENNINGS. Oh, the grave is chatty, I do assure you, compared to me.

[_Voice outside_: Penge! GUARD _puts his head inside window
unseen by them_].

DUKE. Very well, then, you may consider yourself engaged.

MRS JENNINGS [_enraptured_]. Engaged! Oh!!

GUARD [_loud_]. Penge! [DUKE _and_ MRS JENNINGS _start and pick up papers, etc._]. Well, this is a business-like betrothal as ever I see! [_Aloud_]. This is your station, sir. Better come out and have the rest of the ceremony on the platform.

DUKE [_getting out_]. Look here, my man--none of your insolence!

[DUKE _gets out loftily_].

MRS JENNINGS [_speaking to_ GUARD _at window_]. You mustn't speak to him like that; he's the Duke of Peckham Rye.

GUARD. Ah, yes, likely! And you're a Member of Parliament, I suppose. _All_ right!

[_He walks a little further away_].

DUKE [_coming to window--says hesitatingly_]. One thing I should like to ask, Mrs Jennings--I believe it is customary--why did you leave Princess Blakowska?

MRS JENNINGS [_sarcastically_]. Why? Well, of course, I left her--with her goings on!

DUKE [_startled_]. What!

[CURTAIN _comes down quickly as the_ GUARD'S whistle is heard].

* * * * *

TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE

Occasional missing punctuation has been silently added. In a very few instances, "you" was substituted for "your" and vice versa, as required by the context. A missing final "s" was added on a couple of occasions. In one instance, where the same word appeared at the end of one line and the beginning of the next, one of the two was removed.

The following substantive changes were made:

In KIRSTIN, scene III, "past" was changed to "post" in

[MERTON] (...) takes up his letters that are lying in a pile,
evidently having come by the morning post

In the same scene, "It if" was changed to "If it" in Mrs Plant's speech:

If it were only for one night it wouldn't matter so much.

In THE PARACHUTE, near the beginning, the ending "ing" was added to the word "support" in:

[_Goes to door_ L. MARY _appears at door_ L, _supporting_
WELBURN].