Chapter I: Front Matter

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_All rights reserved_

Friend Mac Donald

BY

MAX O'RELL

AUTHOR OF
"JOHN BULL AND HIS ISLAND," ETC

Arrowsmith's Bristol Library
VOL. XXV

BRISTOL
J. W. ARROWSMITH, 11 QUAY STREET

LONDON
SIMPKIN, MARSHALL & CO., 4 STATIONERS' HALL COURT

1887

CONTENTS.

CHAP. I. -- A Word to Donald. -- The Scotch Anecdote and its Character. -- The Scotch painted by Themselves.

CHAP. II. -- Donald, a British Subject, but no Englishman. -- Opinion of the greatest English Wit on the Scotch, and the worth of that Opinion. -- The Wit of Donald and the Wit of the Cockney. -- Intelligence and Intellectuality. -- Donald's Exterior. -- Donald's Interior. -- Help yourself and Heaven will help you. -- An Irish and a Scotch Servant facing a Difficulty. -- How a small Scotchman may make himself useful in the Hour of Danger. -- Characteristics. -- Donald on Train Journeys. --One Way of avoiding Tolls.

CHAP. III. -- All Scots know how to Reckon. -- Rabelais in Scotland. --How Donald made Twopence-halfpenny by going to the Lock-up. --Difference between Buying and Stealing. -- Scotch Honesty. -- Last Words of a Father to his Son. -- Abraham in Scotland. -- How Donald outdid Jonathan. -- Circumspection, Insinuations, and Negations. --Delicious Declarations of Love. -- Laconism. -- Conversation reduced to its simplest Expression. -- A, e, i, o, u. -- A Visit to Thomas Carlyle. --The Silent Academy of Hamadan. -- With the Author's Compliments.

CHAP. IV. -- The traditional Hospitality of the Highlands. -- One more fond Belief gone. -- Highland Bills. -- Donald's two Trinities. -- Never trust Donald on Saturdays and Mondays. -- The Game he prefers. -- A Well-informed Man. -- Ask no Questions and you will be told no Tales. --How Donald showed prodigious Things to a Cockney in the Highlands. --There is no Man so dumb as he who will not be heard.

CHAP. V. -- Resemblance of Donald to the Norman. -- Donald marketing. --Bearding a Barber. -- Norman Replies. -- Cant. -- Why the Whisky was not marked on the Hotel Bill. -- New Use for the Old and New Testaments. -- You should love your Enemies and not swallow them. -- A modest Wish.

CHAP. VI. -- Democratic Spirit in Scotland. -- One Scot as good as another. -- Amiable Beggars. -- Familiarity of Servants. -- Shout all together! -- A Scotchman who does not admire his Wife. -- Donald's Pride. -- The Queen and her Scotch People. -- Little Presents keep alive Friendship.

CHAP. VII. -- Scottish Perseverance. -- Thomas Carlyle, David Livingstone, and General Gordon. -- Literary Exploits of a Scotchman. -- Scottish Students. -- All the Students study. -- A useful Library. -- A Family of three. -- Coming, Sir, coming! -- Killed in Action. -- Scotchmen at Oxford. -- Balliol College.

CHAP. VIII. -- Good old Times. -- A Trick. -- Untying Cravats. -- Bible and Whisky. -- Evenings in Scotland. -- The Dining-room. -- Scots of the old School. -- Departure of the Whisky and Arrival of the Bible. -- The Nightcap in Scotland. -- Five Hours' Rest. -- The Gong and its Effects. -- Fresh as Larks. -- Iron Stomachs.

CHAP. IX. -- Religion and Churches in Scotland. -- Why Scotch Bishops cut a poor Figure. -- Companies for Insuring against the Accidents of the Life to come. -- Religious Lecture-Rooms. -- No one can Serve two Masters. -- How the Gospel Camel was able to pass through the Eye of a Needle. -- Incense and Common Sense. -- I understand, therefore I believe. -- Conversions at Home. -- Conversions in Open Air. -- A modest Preacher. -- A well-filled Week. -- Touching Piety. -- Donald recommends John Bull and Paddy to the Lord.

CHAP. X. -- Donald's Relations with the Divinity. -- Prayers and Sermons. -- Signification of the word "Receptivity." -- Requests and Thanksgivings. -- "Repose in Peace." -- "Thou excelledst them all." -- Explanation of Miracles. -- Pulpit Advertisements. -- Pictures of the Last Judgment. -- One of the Elect belated. -- An Urchin Preacher. -- A Considerate Beggar.

CHAP. XI. -- The Scotch Sabbath. -- The Saviour in the Cornfield. -- A good Advertisement. -- Difference between the Inside and the Outside of an Omnibus. -- How useful it is to be able to speak Scotch in Scotland. -- Sermon and Lesson on Balistics at Edinburgh. -- If you do Evil on the Sabbath, do it well.

CHAP. XII. -- Scotch Bonhomie. -- Humour and Quick-Wittedness. -- Reminiscences of a Lecturer. -- How the Author was once taken for an Englishman.

CHAP. XIII. -- Drollery of Scotch Phraseology. -- A Scotchman who Lost his Head. -- Two Severe Wounds. -- Premature Death. -- A Neat Comparison. -- Cold Comfort.

CHAP. XIV. -- Family Life. -- "Can I assist you?" -- "No. I will assist myself, thank you." -- Hospitality in good Society. -- The Friends of Friends are Friends. -- When the Visitors come to an End there are more to follow. -- Good Society. -- Women. -- Men. -- Conversation in Scotland. -- A touching little Scene.

CHAP. XV. -- Little Sketches of Family Life in Scotland. -- The Scotchman of "John Bull and his Island." -- Painful Explanations. -- As a Father I love you, as a Customer I take you in. -- A good Investment. -- Killing two Birds with one Stone. -- A young Man in a Hurry.

CHAP. XVI. -- Matrimonial Ceremonies. -- Sweethearts. -- "Un serrement de main vaut dix serments de bouche." -- "Jack's kisses were nicer than that." -- A Platonic Lover. -- "Excuse me, I'm married." -- A wicked Trick.

CHAP. XVII. -- Donald is not easily knocked down. -- He calmly contemplates Death, especially other people's. -- A thoughtful Wife. -- A very natural Request. -- A consolable Father. -- "Job," 1st chapter, 21st verse. -- Merry Funerals. -- They manage Things better in Ireland. -- Gone just in Time. -- Touching Funeral Orations.

CHAP. XVIII. -- Intellectual Life in Scotland. -- The Climate is not so bad as it is represented to be. -- Comparisons. -- Literary and Scientific Societies. -- Why should not France possess such Societies? -- Scotch Newspapers. -- Scotland is the Sinew of the British Empire.

CHAP. XIX. -- Higher Education in Scotland. -- The Universities. -- How they differ from English Universities. -- Is he a Gentleman? -- Scholarships. -- A visit to the University of Aberdeen. -- English Prejudice against Scotch Universities.

CHAP. XX. -- Scotch Literature. -- Robert Burns. -- Walter Scott. -- Thomas Carlyle. -- Adam Smith. -- Burns Worship. -- Scotch Ballads and Poetry.

CHAP. XXI. -- The Dance in Scotland. -- Reels and Highland Schottische. -- Is Dancing a Sin? -- Dances of Antiquity. -- There is no Dancing now.

CHAP. XXII. -- The Wisdom of Scotland. -- Proverbs. -- Morals in Words and Morals in Deeds. -- Maxims. -- The Scot is a Judge of Human Nature. -- Scotch and Norman Proverbs compared. -- Practical Interpretation of a Passage of the Bible.

CHAP. XXIII. -- Massacre of the English Tongue. -- Donald, the Friend of France. -- Scotch Anecdotes again. -- Reason of their Drollery. -- Picturesque Dialect. -- Dry Old Faces. -- A Scotch Chambermaid. -- Oddly-placed Moustachios. -- My Chimney Smokes. -- Sarcastic Spirit. -- A good Chance of entering Paradise thrown away. -- Robbie Burns and the Greenock Shopkeeper.

CHAP. XXIV. -- The Staff of Life in Scotland. -- Money is round and flat. -- Cheap Restaurants. -- Democratic Bill of Fare. -- Caution to the Public. -- "Parritch!" -- The Secret of Scotland's Success. -- The National Drink of Scotland. -- Scotch and Irish Whiskies. -- Whisky a very slow Poison. -- Dean Ramsay's best Anecdote.

CHAP. XXV. -- Hors d'oeuvre. -- A Word to the Reader, and another to the Critic. -- A Man who has a right to be Proud. -- Why?

CHAP. XXVI. -- Glasgow. -- Origin of the Name. -- Rapid Growth of the City. -- St. Mungo's Injunction to Donald. -- James Watt and the Clyde. -- George Square. -- Exhibition of Sculpture in the open Air. -- Royal Exchange. -- Wellington again. -- Wanted an Umbrella. -- The Cathedral. -- How it was saved by a Gardener. -- The Streets. -- Kelvingrove Park. -- The University. -- The Streets at Night. -- The Tartan Shawls a Godsend. -- The Populace. -- Pity for the poor little Children. -- Sunday Lectures in Glasgow. -- To the Station, and let us be off.

CHAP. XXVII. -- Edinburgh. -- Glasgow's Opinion thereof, and _vice versa_. -- High Street. -- The Old Town. -- John Knox's House. -- The old Parliament House. -- Holyrood Palace. -- Mary Stuart. -- Arthur's Seat. -- The University. -- The Castle. -- Princes Street. -- Two Greek Buildings. -- The Statues. -- Walter Scott. -- The inevitable Wellington again. -- Calton Hill. -- The Athens of the North and the modern Parthenon. -- Why did not the Scotch buy the ancient Parthenon of the modern Greeks? -- Lord Elgin. -- The Acropolis of Edinburgh. -- Nelson for a Change.

CHAP. XXVIII. -- Where are the Scotch? -- Something wanting in the Landscape. -- The Inhabitants. -- The Highlanders and the Servant Girls. -- Evening in Princes Street. -- Leith and the Firth of Forth. -- Rossend Castle at Burntisland. -- Mary Stuart once more. -- I receive Scotch Hospitality in the Bedroom where Chastelard was as enterprising as unfortunate.

CHAP. XXIX. -- Aberdeen the Granite City. -- No sign of the Statue of "you know whom." -- All Grey. -- The Town and its Suburbs. -- Character of the Aberdonian. -- Why London could not give an Ovation to a Provost of Aberdeen. -- Blue Hill. -- Aberdeen Society. -- A thoughtful Caretaker. -- To this Aberdonian's Disappointment, I do not appear in Tights before the Aberdeen Public.

CHAP. XXX. -- The Thistle. -- "Nemo me impune lacessit." -- "Honi soit qui Mollet pince." -- Political Aspirations of the Scotch. -- Signification of Liberalism in Scotland. -- Self-Government in the near Future. -- Coercive Pills. -- The Disunited Kingdom. -- The United Empire.

PRINTING OFFICE OF THE PUBLISHER

Friend Mac Donald.