Chapter IV: Part 4

The colonel had ridden his horse to town in the afternoon, and it was dark when he returned to camp. Some distance outside the guard line he was challenged by a voice from the darkness:

“Halt! Who goes there?”

“Colonel,” he answered.

“Dismount, colonel. Advance and be recognized.”

He was certain that there was some mistake, for no guard was supposed to be posted there. But a sentry’s orders are not to be disobeyed, so he grumblingly dismounted and led his horse forward, inwardly vowing vengeance against the sergeant of the guard who had caused him all this trouble.

As he approached the sentry he burst out wrathfully:

“Who in thunder posted you here?”

“No one, sir. I’m just practicing.”

PLEASED IS NO NAME FOR IT

Doris: “Was your C. O. pleased, Algy, when you told him my idea for beating the Germans on the Western Front?”

Algy: “Pleased! I should jolly well think he was. Why, he laughed for hours!”

GENUINE CHICKEN DINNER

Two rookies were indulging in the soldier’s privilege—growling about his station and how the soldier gets stung for everything.

“I ordered a chicken dinner at a cafe downtown and they charged me a dollar and six bits,” Bone was saying.

A newsie overheard him. “Say, mister,” he said, “I know where you can get a chicken dinner for two bits. A good big one, too.”

The soldiers looked skeptical, but the newsie insisted that he was telling the truth. Finally the soldier who had been stung asked him where this place was located. The newsie mentioned an address on one of the side streets of San Antonio.

A few days later the two soldiers went to the city and determined to visit the cheap restaurant. They found the address. It was a feed store.

ON THE ORIGINAL FIRING LINE

Moses and Aaron were partners in business when Aaron was called up and had to go to camp. About a month after Aaron had departed he received a telegram from Moses. The telegram read:

“Business burned out. Got $10,000 insurance. What shall I do?”

Aaron immediately wired back:

“Start another business.”

One month later Aaron received another telegram from Moses:

“Business burned out again. Got $13,000 insurance. What shall I do?”

Aaron immediately wired back:

“Keep the home fires burning.”

PLAY THE GAME

The German artillery were doing their best to erase a small town from the map. Every few minutes there would be a deafening crash and the remains of a house would soar skyward enveloped in a cloud of smoke.

In a field on the outskirts of the town some Canadian soldiers, relieved from the trenches for a few days, were indulging in their favorite game of baseball. The pitcher had just pitched the ball and the batsman had hit an easy catch to one of the fielders when a huge shell landed in the adjoining field. The fielder’s attention was fixed on the shell, which burst with a deafening crash, and he missed the catch.

“For the love of Mike,” roared the pitcher, who was a typical Irish-Canadian, “if you are going to play baseball, play baseball, and quit watching the shells.”

SHE WAS USED TO IT

Mrs. Flatbush—So your husband is “somewhere in France”?

Mrs. Bensonhurst—So I believe.

Mrs. Flatbush—But don’t you know where?

Mrs. Bensonhurst—No.

Mrs. Flatbush—Don’t you feel somewhat concerned?

Mrs. Bensonhurst—Why, no. When he was here I knew he was somewhere in America, but half of the time I didn’t know where.

SPIRIT OF FRANCE

A tired and dusty doughboy drew up in front of a shell-battered house in Château-Thierry and asked a French woman if he could get a drink of water.

“Oui, mon garcon,” said the woman. “You come right along with me.”

After the soldier had obtained his drink and was about to depart, he remarked that her house had suffered more or less from the guns.

“Yes,” was the reply. “I used it as a dressing station for the Americans who were wounded here, and the Boche seemed to know about it. But it’s all right. We will build it up again and everything will be the same.”

She explained in detail just how she would rearrange the architecture, how the windows would be built larger.

“We will have to carry a lot of rock,” she smiled. “You see, those are all shot to pieces. But it’s not far to the river.”

Then she turned and resumed her task of clearing away the debris that had once been the east wall of her house.

RECOGNIZED THE RESEMBLANCE

Pat was serving in the Army, and his two companions happened to be an Englishman and a Scotsman. These two gave their Irish friend a lively time with their jokes and teasing.

One day Pat was called away, and left his coat hanging on a nail. The Englishman and Scotsman, seeing some white paint near, seized the opportunity of painting a donkey’s head on the back of Pat’s coat.

The latter soon returned, and looking first at his coat, and then fixing his eye on his chums, said slowly: “Begorra! and which of you two has wiped your face on my coat?”

PROOF POSITIVE

“Come, corporal,” said the colonel, “say definitely what you mean. Was the prisoner drunk, or wasn’t he?”

“’E wasn’t himself, sir; he was under the influence of drink. When I saw him he’d been washing his face in a puddle an’ he was trying to wipe it on a wire doormat, cursin’ the holes in the ‘towel.’”

CAN SHOW WHAT HE’S GOOD FOR

The sergeant-major had trouble in finding an accountant for his captain, but at last brought in a private for trial.

“Are you a clerk?” demanded the captain.

“No, sir,” replied the man.

“Do you know anything about figures?” asked the captain.

“I can do a bit,” replied the man, modestly.

“Is this the best man you can find?” asked the officer.

“Yes, sir.”

“Well,” growled the captain, “I suppose I’ll have to put up with him!” Turning to the private, he snapped, “What were you in civilian life?”

“Professor of mathematics at the State College, sir,” was the unexpected reply.

GLAD HE TALKED TO GEN. PERSHING

He was in khaki, but it’s better not to say what branch of the service he is in, and it certainly would be cruel to hint at his company. There are probably gold bars in it, and the guardhouse is not the place for a returned soldier. Here’s the story he tells. He says it’s true:

“Sometimes overseas,” he said, “it seems as if every other man you met was a second lieutenant.

“One day last spring Gen. Pershing and his staff found themselves out in the open with a chance for a bit of rest, the first in days, but nary a place to take it in.

“Well, ‘Black Jack’ thought what was good enough for his men wasn’t so worse for him. He just quietly rolled himself up in his cape and lay down under a hedge where the mud wasn’t more than a foot deep, and the staff took the next hedge and did likewise.

“Pretty soon along comes a regiment and stops for a minute. Some of the men drop out for a snooze, and one of them comes along to the hedge which was ‘Black Jack’s’ private ‘boodoir’ and lies down beside him. Pretty soon he begins to talk to the chief friendly like, and Pershing talks to him and it was mighty dark.

“Pretty soon the regiment’s ordered to fall in and the Johnny leaves ‘Black Jack’ casual like and starts to rejoin. But on his way he meets an orderly and he asks him, ‘Who’s that decent guy under the hedge?’

“‘My gracious,’ or words to that effect, as they say at the court-martials, remarks the orderly, ‘Don’t you know that’s General Pershing?’

“Well, that soldier does some tall thinking for a minute and then he goes back to the hedge and stands at salute and begs Pershing’s pardon most pretty. The General looks up at him and our friend swears he was grinning a little and he says slow and thoughtful like:

“‘Never mind. That was an interesting talk and I understand. It’s all right with me, but,’ and the eyes of him looked as sober as if he was talking tactics with Foch, ‘Don’t try it with any of those new second lieutenants.’

“And,” concluded the man in khaki, “the guy went away just a-shuddering with thinking what would have happened if it had been a second lieutenant instead of just a General.”

BEFORE ONE CAN TURN AROUND

Willis—How do you like army life? Quite a number of new turns for a fellow to get used to, I suppose.

Gillis—You bet. At night you turn in, and just as you are about to turn over somebody turns up and says, “Turn out.”

ONE ON THE COLONEL

The Colonel beckoned to his orderly.

“Smith, I wish you’d ride into the town and get the correct time.”

“Why, sir,” Smith hesitated, “I haven’t got a watch.”

“A watch, a watch,” the Colonel roared. “What in the name of sense do you want a watch for? Write it down on a piece of paper, man.”

A GRAND STAND PLAY

All sorts of stories come from across the water relative to misunderstandings between Yanks and the ladies over there, and not the least amusing is one told at the Washington Press Club by one of the correspondents.

Seems the doughboy had taken an English girl to a baseball game, and, after it was over, was eager to make sure that she had understood and appreciated the great American game.

“Now, if there’s anything you didn’t understand tell me and I’ll explain,” he pleaded in her fair ear.

“Well,” she answered, “really, don’t you know, I didn’t understand a bit of it, and some of it sounded awfully silly.”

“What was so awfully silly?” demanded the doughboy. “Tell me and I’ll explain.”

“Well,” replied the girl, dubiously, “why do they call the seats the stands?”

And, at last reports, the soldier was still trying to tell her.

THE NEGRO IN AUTHORITY

Camp Devens, Mass.—These colored noncommissioned officers are efficient or nothing.

A newly-made corporal, recently from Dixie, was superintending the breaking up of some old cases down in the 13th Battalion today. A dark recruit was wielding an ax with vigor and with fair success. The corporal apparently couldn’t find any specific thing the matter with his work, but he stopped him just the same. “Boy,” said the dignified corporal, “boy, does you know how to do dis yere work?”

“Co’se ah does,” replied the recruit rather indignantly.

The corporal eyed him dangerously. “Sojer,” he said, darkly, “did ah evah show you how dis should be done? Have yo’ evah received any constructions fum me?”

“No,” admitted the rookie reluctantly, “yo’ nevah tol’ me nuthin’.”

“Den, man, yo’ don’ know nuthin’,” exploded the corporal, and the private meekly dropped his ax.

DON’T YOU DO IT, TOMMY

Old Lady (to severely wounded soldier): “Poor man, have you lost your leg?”

Tommy: “Yes, mum.”

Old Lady: “Oh, poor fellow! Do have an apple!”

Tommy (to his chum, when the old lady had departed): “Bill, I think I’ll have my other leg off before she comes next week. I might get a banana!”

NO PROHIBITION THERE

“That’s how we do things in the Army,” said Tommy, pointing to a news heading which bore the word, “Five Hundred Germans Drowned in Champagne.” “Got nothing to beat that in the Navy, I’ll bet.”

“Oh, haven’t we?” retorted his sailor friend. “My lad, that’s nothing to get excited about—nothing at all. In that last little affair along the Belgian coast we sank three German submarines in port!”

CHAFFING EACH OTHER

When Charles Schwab was inspecting the Seattle shipbuilding yards he was accompanied by his friend, Dr. Eaton. Both are eloquent speakers, the crowd always calling for more. It was horse and horse between the two as to which could tell the most impossible story on the other.

One day while addressing a few thousand shipbuilders, Dr. Eaton scored a base hit with this:

“Boys, I’ll tell you something in strict confidence. A few days ago when in Tacoma, Charlie and I went aboard a new ship that was nearly ready to go in service. As we walked along the clean, new deck, Charlie noticed some large lids and wondered what was inside. So the sailors came and lifted the hatch, and when he looked down into the hold he said, ‘Why, the damn thing is hollow!’”

Then Charlie came to bat and told how on leaving Portland “Doc” rushed to him in great excitement with the announcement that he had lost his baggage.

“‘It’s too bad,’ I said. ‘How did it happen?’

“‘Why, the cork came out,’ moaned the Doctor.”

GETTING ON FAST

One day in a French village two soldiers were being served coffee by an old French woman when one of them remarked, “Gee, Bill, this don’t taste like coffee.”

“Ain’t,” answered his companion; “it’s chicory.”

The first soldier looked at him in admiration and said: “Here we only struck this place yesterday and you’re learning the language already.”

NO WONDER HE REBELLED

The Officer (to recruit reported for insubordination, who has refused to enter the swimming pool)—And what have you got to say for yourself?

Recruit—Please, sir, I’ve only been in the navy three days. The first day the doctor drawed two o’ me teeth; the second day I was vaccinated, and now a petty orficer, he says, “Come along! We’re goin’ ter drown yer!”

THEY ALL GET ’EM

Bill is a soldier in France. Several months ago his sweetheart, Dolly, sent him a box of fruit, nuts, etc. Two weeks later she sent a letter and incidentally asked him if he got the goodies. She evidently didn’t write distinctly or Bill didn’t read carefully. To her surprise she received a letter from him saying: “Yes, every soldier gets the cooties.” So much alike, yet so different.

REACHED HIS LIMIT

After coming in from a 20-mile “hike” the officer in command of a negro company said, before dismissing them: “I want all the men who are too tired to take another hike to take two paces forward.”

All stepped forward except one big, husky six-footer. Noticing him, the officer said: “Well, Johnson, ready for twenty miles more?”

“No, sah,” replied Johnson. “Ah’m too tired to even take dem two steps.”

SEEKING INFORMATION

Sambo, a dusky warrior in the American army, had only recently landed, and was comparing London with New York. He paused before a shop window full of watches. His gaze became fixed on a very shiny watch on a velvet cushion, on which was pinned a card bearing the words, “This watch will go for eight days without winding.”

Sambo pondered, and then walked straight into the shop: “Say, boss, will you tell how long dat darn watch will go if you do wind it up?”

BIRDS FAR SURPASSED

“Look at that fellow doing the ‘falling leaf,’ the ‘tail spin,’ and other fancy tricks away up there in the air.”

“I see him.”

“I never thought I’d live to see a man as much at home in the air as a bird.”

“Umph! No bird is in the same class with an expert aviator when it comes to flying. Did you ever see a bird that could fly upside down?”

NO KICK COMING

Camp Devens, Mass.—Seven hundred and fifty medical replacement troops have just left this camp for service overseas. Just before their departure a sergeant from the Depot Brigade came to Lieut.-Col. C. C. McCornack, Division Surgeon, and asked for a transfer to the detachment then about to leave.

“Colonel,” he pleaded, “I’ve been in this doggone army more than a year. In that time I’ve scarcely set foot outside this camp. If I don’t get across now, I never will. I’ll be a hell of a soldier, won’t I?”

Col. McCornack leaned back in his chair and laughed.

“Sergeant,” he said, “you’ve got a fine chance of getting any sympathy out of me on that score. I’ve been in the Army twenty years and haven’t got across. What are you kicking about?”

A REAL SPREE

The Liberty Bond squad had some interesting experiences. “I am not subscribing for this $50 Liberty Bond to please you,” explained a woman, as doleful as she is wealthy. “I am doing it to please my own self.”

“Make it $100,” said the young solicitor, “and give yourself one roaring, rousing good time.”

MOVING PICTURE IN ONE REEL

The chaplain of a certain camp was challenged by a sentry with, “Halt! Who goes there?”

The minister answered, “Chaplain.”

“Advance, Charlie,” ordered the sentry, “and be recognized.” For which he was banished to the guardroom.

USEFUL AND ORNAMENTAL

The flappers were taken out to tea by two staff officers resplendent in scarlet and khaki. Being “on the staff” caused the two young men to be very popular with themselves, and to treat the flappers rather patronizingly. The younger of the two girls was lost in admiration. Looking up her escort adoringly, she cooed:

“O, what lovely boots! And spurs, too! Why do you wear spurs?”

“O,” chipped in the other girl, who objected to being regarded as an infant, “the spurs are to keep the feet from slipping off their office stools!”

THE MILITARY HAIR CUT

A grizzled chap in a captain’s uniform came into a barber shop. He saluted smartly and seated himself in the chair.

“Hair cut,” he said in gruff tones.

“How would you like it cut, sir?” the barber asked.

The captain, who was baldish, answered, gruffer than ever:

“Line up the hairs and number off to the right. Odd numbers each want a half inch off. Dress smartly with bay rum and brilliantine. Then dismiss.”

BASEBALL IN BLIGHTY

An American officer recently expressed his surprise that English people had so quickly appreciated the fascinations of baseball, and particularly how very enthusiastic women were on the game.

“Why, at the Navy and Army match the other week,” he said, “I counted quite twenty ‘fans’ among the women sitting around me.”

“Yes,” said a charming old lady, “and I wished I had taken mine, for the heat was terribly trying.”

UNIVERSAL COMPLAINT

An American soldier was being shown over an old English church where hundreds of people were buried.

“A great many people sleep between these walls,” said the guide, indicating the inscription-covered floor.

“So?” said the doughboy. “Same way over in our country. Why don’t you get a more interesting preacher?”

SAMPLE WAS SATISFACTORY

It was a hot day, and two sailors had just been released from a long spell of duty on a mine sweeper. They made a bee-line for the first public-house they saw, and one of them ordered two quarts of ale. The men emptied their mugs in one draught whilst the barmaid looked on in undisguised admiration.

The man who had paid stood for a second or two wetting his lips meditatively, and then turned to his comrade with a grin.

“’Tain’t so bad, Bill, is it?” he remarked. “Shall we ’ave some?”

NO FUN WITHOUT FUNDS

A New York editor said on his return from an official visit to the front:

“The soldier can still have a good time on his furlough, but the war prices make a good time costly.

“A handsome young American officer was sending a wire one day in a London postoffice where I was mailing a package. The girl telegraph clerk, running over the officer’s message said:

“‘I can’t make out whether this reads ”No funds“ or ”No fun.“’

“‘Oh, well, what’s the difference?’ said the officer, gloomily lighting a cigarette.”

THOUGHT HE HAD ARRIVED

One of our transports sailing from an Atlantic port, heading for France with a load of negro troops, had engine trouble two days out. It was decided that the ship put back to port, and it returned, but to a different pier of that same port.

The dusky warriors were immediately unloaded and made ready to embark on another ship. While standing in line, one of the braves stepped out and walking up to an officer asked:

“Ah beg yo’ pardin, sah, but can you tell me whar the city of Paris lies fum hyere?”

“COUNT ’EM NOW, MISTAH KAISER”

This story was brought back from the trenches by a Knights of Columbus secretary:

A colored soldier, hearing the report of a 14-inch naval gun exclaimed:

“There! Mistah Kaiser! You all count your men now and see how many is missing.”

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Transcriber’s Notes:

Page 42, “kidnaped” changed to “kidnapped” (were kidnapped by)

Page 134, “told” changed to “hold” (hold ’em back)