Chapter V (3)

If there is any one action or relation of my life which is, and always has been, profoundly serious, it is my relation to Mr. Lewes. It is, however, natural enough that you should mistake me in many ways, for not only are you unacquainted with Mr. Lewes's real character and the course of his actions, but also it is several years now since you and I were much together, and it is possible that the modifications my mind has undergone may be quite in the opposite direction of what you imagine. No one can be better aware than yourself that it is possible for two people to hold different opinions on momentous subjects with equal sincerity, and an equally earnest conviction that their respective opinions are alone the truly moral ones. If we differ on the subject of the marriage laws, I at least can believe of you that you cleave to what you believe to be good; and I don't know of anything in the nature of your views that should prevent you from believing the same of me. _How far_ we differ I think we neither of us know, for I am ignorant of your precise views; and, apparently, you attribute to me both feelings and opinions which are not mine. We cannot set each other quite right in this matter in letters, but one thing I can tell you in few words. Light and easily broken ties are what I neither desire theoretically nor could live for practically. Women who are satisfied with such ties do _not_ act as I have done. That any unworldly, unsuperstitious person who is sufficiently acquainted with the realities of life can pronounce my relation to Mr. Lewes immoral, I can only understand by remembering how subtile and complex are the influences that mould opinion. But I _do_ remember this: and I indulge in no arrogant or uncharitable thoughts about those who condemn us, even though we might have expected a somewhat different verdict. From the majority of persons, of course, we never looked for anything but condemnation. We are leading no life of self-indulgence, except, indeed, that, being happy in each other, we find everything easy. We are working hard to provide for others better than we provide for ourselves, and to fulfil every responsibility that lies upon us. Levity and pride would not be a sufficient basis for that. Pardon me if, in vindicating myself from some unjust conclusions, I seem too cold and self-asserting. I should not care to vindicate myself if I did not love you and desire to relieve you of the pain which you say these conclusions have given you. Whatever I may have misinterpreted before, I do not misinterpret your letter this morning, but read in it nothing else than love and kindness towards me, to which my heart fully answers yes. I should like never to write about myself again; it is not healthy to dwell on one's own feelings and conduct, but only to try and live more faithfully and lovingly every fresh day. I think not one of the endless words and deeds of kindness and forbearance you have ever shown me has vanished from my memory. I recall them often, and feel, as about everything else in the past, how deficient I have been in almost every relation of my life. But that deficiency is irrevocable, and I can find no strength or comfort except in "pressing forward towards the things that are before," and trying to make the present better than the past. But if we should never be very near each other again, dear Cara, do bear this faith in your mind, that I was not insensible or ungrateful to all your goodness, and that I am one among the many for whom you have not lived in vain. I am very busy just now, and have been obliged to write hastily. Bear this in mind, and believe that no meaning is mine which contradicts my assurance that I am your affectionate and earnest friend.

_SUMMARY._

MARCH, 1850, TO JULY, 1854.

Return to England with M. d'Albert--Depressing effect of
change--Visit to Rosehill--Visit to brother and sister at
Griff and Meriden--Deeper depression--To Rosehill again with
M. d'Albert--Makes her home there for sixteen months--Reviews
Mackay's "Progress of the Intellect" in _Westminster_--Meets
Mr. Chapman, the editor of the _Westminster_--Helps to settle
Prospectus of new series of the _Review_--Visits Robert Noel
at Bishop Steignton with Mrs. Bray--Visit to London--Crystal
Palace--Returns to Rosehill, and meets Mr. and Mrs. George
Combe--Goes to London as assistant editor of the _Westminster
Review_--Letters to Brays--Review writing: Dr. Brabant,
Foxton, Wilson--Meets Mr. Herbert Spencer--Miss
Martineau--Distractions of London--Low health--Miss
Bremer--Introduction to Mr. Lewes--Opinion of House of
Lords--Carlyle's "Life of Sterling"--Carlyle
anecdotes--Mackay--James Martineau--J. H. Newman's
Lectures--Translation of Schleiermacher--Letter from
Carlyle--Intimacy begins with Mr. Lewes--Reviews Carlyle's
"Sterling" in _Westminster_--Visit to Rosehill--Returns to
Strand--Harriet Martineau--Pierre Leroux--Louis Blanc--Miss
Bessie Parkes--Mrs. Peter Taylor--"Margaret Fuller's
Life"--Description of _Westminster_ reviewers--Growing
intimacy with Mr. Herbert Spencer--Meeting of authors and
booksellers at Mr. Chapman's--Admiration of Prince
Albert--Grisi--Hack work of _Review_--Appreciation of Miss
Martineau's writings--Singing of charity children at St.
Paul's--George Combe's opinion of _Westminster_
editing--Barbara Leigh Smith--Visit to Broadstairs--Florence
Nightingale--Return to Strand--Depression--Professor Owen on
the Cerebellum--Visit to Combes at Edinburgh, and to Harriet
Martineau at Ambleside--Return to London--Reading
"Esmond"--Lord Brougham's speech--Work in
Strand--Bryant--Visit to Rosehill--Death of Edward
Clarke--Visit to widowed sister at Meriden--Return to
Strand--Letter to Mrs. Peter Taylor--Views on
America--"Ruth"--Visit to Rosehill, and to Mrs. Clarke at
Attleboro--Return to Strand--Reading "Villette"--Letter from
Mrs. Stowe to Mrs. Follen--Meets Huxley--Thinks of going to
Australia to settle Mrs. Clarke--Admiration of Helen
Faucit--Growing regard for Mr. Lewes--Kindness of Sir James
Clark--Visit to Ockley--Change to St. Leonard's--Improvement
in health--Return to Strand--Spencer's "Universal
Postulate"--Removal to 21 Cambridge Street--Leigh Hunt's
"Religion of the Heart"--Dawes, Dean of Hereford--Harriet
Martineau--Comte--Contemplates publishing "The Idea of a
Future Life"--Meets Arthur Helps--Intimate relations with Mr.
Lewes--Translation of Feuerbach--Visit to Rosehill--Return to
London--Feuerbach completed--Estimate of Herbert
Spencer--Good-bye to Brays--Union with Mr. Lewes--Letter to
Mrs. Bray thereon.

FOOTNOTES:

[31] Frederick Foxton, author of "Popular Christianity: its Transition State and Probable Development."

[32] "Man's Nature and Development," by Martineau and Atkinson.

[33] This was a merely formal and casual introduction. That George Eliot was ever brought into close relations with Mr. Lewes was due to Mr. Herbert Spencer having taken him to call on her in the Strand later in this year.

[34] Appeared in January, 1852, number of the _Westminster Review_, No. 1 of the New Series.

[35] Review of Carlyle's "Life of Sterling" in _Westminster_, Jan. 1852.

[36] Published in the April, 1852, number of the _Westminster_.

[37] Now Madame Belloc, who remained to the end one of George Eliot's closest friends.

[38] Mrs. Peter Taylor remained a lifelong and a valued friend of George Eliot's, and many interesting letters in this volume are addressed to her. I am glad also to take this opportunity of expressing my thanks to her for procuring for me two other sets of correspondence--the letters addressed to Mrs. Beecher Stowe and to Mrs. William Smith.

[39] Afterwards Madame Bodichon--one of the three or four most intimate friends of George Eliot, whose name will very often appear in subsequent pages.

[40] Funeral oration on the Duke of Wellington.

[41] Correcting _Leader_ proofs for Mr. Lewes.

[42] Advertised in 1853-54 as to appear by "Marian Evans" in "Chapman's Quarterly Series," but never published.

[43] Lord Acton tells me he first heard this _bon-mot_, in 1855, related of Immanuel Bekker, the philologist.

[44] Translated and adapted from the French, "La joie fait peur," by Mr. Lewes, under the name of Slingsby Lawrence.