Chapter IV: Part 4

203. At another time I remembered, I was again much under this question, _Whether the blood of Christ was sufficient to save my soul_? in which doubt I continued from morning, till about seven or eight at night: and at last, when I was, as it were, quite worn out with fear, lest it should not lay hold on me, these words did sound suddenly within my heart: _He is able_. But methought, this word _able_, was spoke loud unto me; it showed a _great word_, it seemed to be writ in _great letters_, and gave such a jostle to my fear and doubt (I mean for the time it tarried with me, which was about a day) as I never had from that, all my life, either before or after. Heb. vii. 25.

204. But one morning as I was again at prayer, and trembling under the fear of this, _That no word of God could help me_, that piece of a sentence darted in upon me, _My grace is sufficient_. At this, methought I felt some stay, as if there might be hopes. But, oh! how good a thing it is for God to send His word! for, about a fortnight before, I was looking on this very place, and then I thought it could not come near my soul with comfort, therefore I threw down my book in a pet: then I thought it was not large enough for me; no, not large enough; but now it was as if it had arms of grace so wide, that it could not only enclose me, but many more such as I besides.

205. By these words I was sustained, yet not without exceeding conflicts, for the space of seven or eight weeks; for my peace would be in it, and out, sometimes twenty times a day; comfort now, and trouble presently; peace now, and before I could go a furlong, as full of fear and guilt as ever heart could hold. And this was not only now and then, but my whole seven weeks’ experience: for this about _the sufficiency of grace_, and _that_ of _Esau’s_ parting with his birthright, would be like a pair of scales within my mind; sometimes one end would be uppermost, and sometimes again the other; according to which would be my peace or trouble.

206. Therefore I did still pray to God, that He would come in with this scripture more fully on my heart; to wit, that He would help me to apply the whole sentence, for as yet I could not: that He gave, that I gathered; but farther I could not go, for as yet it only helped me to hope there might be mercy for me; _My grace is sufficient_: And though it came no farther, it answered my former question, to wit, That there was hope; yet because _for thee_ was left out, I was not contented, but prayed to God for that also. Wherefore, one day, when I was in a meeting of God’s people, full of sadness and terror; for my fears again were strong upon me; and, as I was now thinking, my soul was never the better, but my case most sad and fearful, these words did with great power suddenly break in upon me; _My grace is sufficient for thee_, _My grace is sufficient for thee_, _My grace is sufficient for thee_, three times together: And oh! methought that every word was a mighty word unto me; as _My_, and _grace_, and _sufficient_, and _for thee_; they were then, and sometimes are still, far bigger than others be.

207. At which time my understanding was so enlightened, that I was as though I had seen the Lord Jesus look down from heaven, through the tiles upon me, and direct these words unto me. This sent me mourning home; it broke my heart, and filled me full of joy, and laid me low as the dust; only it stayed not long with me, I mean in this glory and refreshing comfort; yet it continued with me for several weeks, and did encourage me to hope: but as soon as that powerful operation of it was taken from my heart, that other, about _Esau_, returned upon me as before: so my soul did hang as in a pair of scales again, sometimes up, and sometimes down; now in peace, and anon again in terror.

208. Thus I went on for many weeks, sometimes comforted, and sometimes tormented; and especially at sometimes my torment would be very sore, for all those scriptures forenamed in the _Hebrews_, would be set before me, as the only sentences that would keep me out of heaven. Then again I would begin to repent that ever that thought went through me; I would also think thus with myself: _Why_, _how many scriptures are there against me_? _There are but three or four_; _And cannot God miss them_, _and save me for all them_? Sometimes again I would think, _Oh_! _if it were not for these three or four words_, _now how might I be comforted_! And I could hardly forbear at some times, to wish them out of the book.

209. Then methought I should see as if both _Peter_ and _Paul_, and _John_, and all the writers, did look with scorn upon me, and hold me in derision; and as if they had said unto me, _All our words are truth_, _one of as much force as another_: _it is not we that have cut you of_, _but you have cast away yourself_. _There is none of our sentences that you must take hold upon_, _but these and such as these_; _it is impossible_, Heb. vi.; _there remains no more sacrifice for sin_, Heb. x. _And it had been better for them not to have known the will of God_, _than after they had known it_, _to turn from the holy commandment delivered unto them_, 2 Peter ii. 21. _For the Scriptures cannot be broken_. John x. 35.

210. These, as the elders of the city of refuge, I saw, were to be judges both of my case and me, while I stood with the _avenger_ of blood at my heels, trembling at their gate for deliverance; also with a thousand fears and mistrusts, I doubted that they would shut me out for ever. Joshua xx. 3. 4.

211. Thus I was confounded, not knowing what to do, or how to be satisfied in this question, _Whether the scriptures could agree in the salvation of my soul_? I quaked at the apostles; I knew their words were true, and that they must stand for ever.

212. And I remember one day, as I was in divers frames of spirit, and considering that these frames were according to the nature of several scriptures that came in upon my mind; if this of grace, then was I quiet; but of that of _Esau_, then tormented. Lord, thought I, _if both these scriptures should meet in my heart at once_, _I wonder which of them would get the better of me_. So methought I had a longing mind that they might come both together upon me; yea, I desired of God they might.

213. Well, about two or three days after, so they did indeed; they bolted both upon me at a time, and did work and struggle strangely in me for a while; at last that about _Esau’s_ birthright began to wax weak, and withdraw, and vanish; and this, about the sufficiency of grace prevailed with peace and joy. And as I was in a muse about this thing, that scripture came in upon me, _Mercy rejoiceth against judgment_. James ii. 13.

214. This was a wonderment to me; yet truly, I am apt to think it was of God; for the word of the law and wrath, must give place to the word of life and grace; because, though the word of condemnation be glorious, yet the word of life and salvation doth far exceed in glory. 2 Cor. iii. 8–11. _Mark_ ix. 5–7. _John_ vi. 37. Also that _Moses_ and _Elias_ must both vanish, and leave Christ and His saints alone.

215. This scripture also did now most sweetly visit my soul; _And him that cometh to Me_, _I will in no wise cast out_. Oh! the comfort that I had from this word, _in no wise_! As who should say, _By no means_, _for nothing whatever he hath done_. But Satan would greatly labour to pull this promise from me, telling of me, _That Christ did not mean me and such as I_, _but sinners of a lower rank_, _that had not done as I had done_. But I would answer him again, _Satan_, _here is in these words no such exception_; _but him that comes_, _him_, _any him_: _him that cometh to Me I will in no wise cast out_. And this I well remember still, that of all the slights that Satan used to take this scripture from me, yet he never did so much as put this question, _But do you come aright_? And I have thought the reason was, because he thought I knew full well what coming aright was; for I saw that to come aright, was to come as I was, a vile and ungodly sinner, and to cast myself at the feet of mercy, condemning myself for sin. If ever Satan and I did strive for any word of God in all my life, it was for this good word of Christ; he at one end, and I at the other: Oh! what work did we make! It was for this in _John_, I say, that we did so tug and strive, he pulled, and I pulled; but God be praised, I got the better of him; I got some sweetness from it.

216. But notwithstanding all these helps, and blessed words of grace, yet that of _Esau’s_ selling of his birthright, would still at times distress my conscience: for though I had been most sweetly comforted, and that but just before, yet when that came into my mind, ’twould make me fear again: I could not be quite rid thereof, ’twould every day be with me: wherefore now I went another way to work, even to consider the nature of this blasphemous thought, I mean, if I should take the words at the largest, and give them their own natural force and scope, even every word therein: so when I had thus considered, I found, that if they were fairly taken, they would amount to this; _That I had freely left the Lord Jesus Christ to His choice_, _whether He would be my Saviour or no_; for the wicked words were these, _Let Him go_, _if He will_. Then that scripture gave me hope, _I will never leave thee_, _nor forsake thee_. Heb. xiii. 5. ‘O Lord,’ said I, _but I have left Thee_. Then it answered again, _But I will not leave thee_. For this I thanked God also.

217. Yet I was grievous afraid He should, and found it exceeding hard to trust Him, seeing I had so offended Him: I could have been exceeding glad that this thought had never befallen; for then I thought I could with more ease and freedom in abundance, have leaned on His grace. I saw it was with me, as it was with _Joseph’s_ brethren; the guilt of their own wickedness did often fill them with fears that their brother would at last despise them. Gen. l. 15, 16, etc.

218. Yet above all the scriptures that I yet did meet with that in _Joshua_ xx. was the greatest comfort to me, which speaks of the slayer that was to flee for refuge: _And if the avenger of blood pursue the slayer_, then saith _Moses_, _they that are the elders of the city of refuge shall not deliver him into his hands_, _because he smote his neighbour unwittingly and hated him not aforetime_. Oh! blessed be God for this word: I was convinced that I was the slayer; and that the avenger of blood pursued me, I felt with great terror; only now it remained that I inquire whether I have right to enter the city of refuge: so I found, that he must not, _who lay in wait to shed blood_: It was not the wilful _murderer_, but he who _unwittingly_ did it, he who did it unawares; not out of spite, or grudge, or malice, he that shed it unwittingly: even he who did not _hate his neighbour before_. Wherefore,

219. I thought verily I was the man that must enter, because I had smitten my neighbour _unwittingly_, _and hated Him not aforetime_. I hated Him not aforetime; no, I prayed unto Him, was tender of sinning against Him; yea, and against this wicked temptation I had strove for a twelvemonth before; yea, and also when it did pass through my heart, it did in spite of my teeth: wherefore I thought I had a right to enter this city, and the elders, which are the _apostles_, were not to deliver me up. This therefore was great comfort to me, and gave me much ground of hope.

220. Yet being very critical, for my smart had made me that I knew not what ground was sure enough to bear me, I had one question that my soul did much desire to be resolved about; and that was, _Whether it be possible for any soul that hath sinned the unpardonable sin_, _yet after that to receive_, _though but the least_, _true spiritual comfort from God though Christ_? The which after I had much considered, I found the answer was, No, they could not; and that for these reasons:—

221. _First_, Because those that have sinned that sin, they are debarred a share in the blood of Christ; and being shut out of that, they must needs be void of the least ground of hope, and so of spiritual comfort; _For to such there remains no more sacrifice for sin_. Heb. x. 26, 27. _Secondly_, Because they are denied a share in the promise of life: _It shall never be forgiven him neither in this world_, _neither in the world to come_. Matt. xii. 32. _Thirdly_, The Son of God excludes them also from a share in His blessed intercession, being for ever ashamed to own them, both before His holy Father, and the blessed angels in heaven. Mark viii.

222. When I had with much deliberation considered of this matter, and could not but conclude that the Lord had comforted me, and that too after this my wicked sin: then methought I durst venture to come nigh unto those most fearful and terrible scriptures, with which all this while I had been so greatly affrighted, and on which indeed, before I durst scarce cast mine eye (yea, had much ado an hundred times, to forbear wishing them out of the Bible), for I thought they would destroy me; but now, I say, I began to take some measure of encouragement, to come close to them to read them, and consider them, and to weigh their scope and tendency.

223. The which when I began to do, I found their visage changed: for they looked not so grimly, as before I thought they did: and first I came to the sixth of the _Hebrews_, yet trembling for fear it should strike me; which when I had considered, I found that the falling there intended, was a falling _quite away_; that is as I conceived, a falling from and absolute denying of the gospel, of remission of sins by Jesus Christ; for, from them the apostle begins his argument, verses 1, 2, 3, 4. _Secondly_, I found that this falling away, must be openly, even in the view of the world, even so as _to put Christ to an open shame_. _Thirdly_, I found those he there intended, were for ever shut up of God, both in blindness, hardness, and impenitency: _It is impossible they should be renewed again unto repentance_. By all these particulars, I found to God’s everlasting praise, my sin was not the sin in this place intended.

_First_, I confessed I was fallen, but not fallen away; that is, from the profession of faith in Jesus unto eternal life.

_Secondly_, I confessed that I had put Jesus Christ to _shame_ by my sin, but not to open _shame_; I did not deny Him before men, nor condemn Him as a fruitless One before the world.

_Thirdly_, Nor did I find that God had shut me up, or denied me to come (though I found it hard work indeed to come) to Him by sorrow and repentance: blessed be God for unsearchable grace!

224. Then I considered that in the 10th chapter of the _Hebrews_, and found that the _wilful sin_ there mentioned, is not every wilful sin, but that which doth throw off Christ, and then His commandments too. _Secondly_, That must be done also openly, before two or three witnesses, to answer that of the law, _verse_ 28. _Thirdly_, This sin cannot be committed, but with great despite done to the Spirit of Grace; despising both the dissuasions from that sin, and the persuasions to the contrary. But the Lord knows, though this my sin was devilish, yet it did not amount to these.

225. And as touching that in the 12th of the _Hebrews_, about _Esau’s_ selling of his birthright; though this was that which killed me, and stood like a spear against me, yet now I did consider, _First_, that his was not a hasty thought against the continual labour of his mind, but a thought consented to, and put in practice likewise, and that after some deliberation, Gen. xxv. _Secondly_, It was a public and open action, even before his brother, if not before many more; this made his sin of a far more heinous nature than otherwise it would have been. _Thirdly_, He continued to slight his birthright: _He did eat and drink_, _and went his way_: thus Esau _despised his birthright_, yea, twenty years after he was found to despise it still. And Esau said, _I have enough_, _my brother_, _keep that thou hast unto thyself_. Gen. xxxiii. 9.

226. Now as touching this, _that_ Esau _sought a place of repentance_; thus I thought: _First_, This was not for the _birthright_, but _the blessing_: this is clear from the apostle, and is distinguished by Esau himself; _He took away my birthright_ (that is, formerly); _and behold now he hath taken away my blessing_. Gen. xxvii. 36. _Secondly_, Now, this being thus considered, I came again to the apostle, to see what might be the mind of God, in a New-Testament style and sense concerning _Esau’s_ sin; and so far as I could conceive, this was the mind of God, _that the birthright_ signified _regeneration_, and the _blessing_, the _eternal inheritance_; for so the apostle seems to hint. _Lest there be any profane person_, _as_ Esau, _who for one morsel of meat sold his birthright_; as if he should say, That shall cast off all those blessed beginnings of God, that at present are upon him, in order to a new-birth; lest they become as _Esau_, even be rejected _afterwards_, when they would inherit the blessing.

227. For many there are, who, in the day of grace and mercy, despise those things which are indeed the birthright to heaven, who yet when the deciding day appears, will cry as lord as _Esau_, _Lord_, _Lord_, _open to us_; but then, as _Isaac_ would not repent, no more will God the Father, but will say, _I have blessed these_, _yea_, and _they shall be blessed_; but as for you, _Depart_, _you are the workers of iniquity_. Gen. xxvii. 32; Luke xiii. 25–27.

228. When I had thus considered these scriptures, and found that thus to understand them, was not against, but according to other scriptures; this still added further to my encouragement and comfort, and also gave a great blow to that objection, to wit, _That the scriptures could not agree in the salvation of my soul_. And now remained only the hinder part of the tempest, for the thunder was gone beyond me, only some drops did still remain, that now and then would fall upon me; but because my former frights and anguish were very sore and deep, therefore it oft befall me still, as it befalleth those that have been scared with fire. I thought every voice was, _Fire_! _fire_! Every little touch would hurt my tender conscience.

229. But one day, as I was passing in the field, and that too with some dashes on my conscience, fearing lest yet all was not right, suddenly this sentence fell upon my soul, _Thy righteousness is in heaven_; and methought withal, I saw with the eyes of my soul, Jesus Christ at God’s right hand: there, I say, was my righteousness; so that wherever I was, or whatever I was doing, God could not say of me, _He wants My righteousness_; for that was just before Him. I also saw moreover, that it was not my good frame of heart that made my righteousness better, nor yet my bad frame that made my righteousness worse; for my righteousness was Jesus Christ Himself, _The same yesterday_, _to-day_, _and for ever_. Heb. xiii. 8.

230. Now did my chains fall off my legs indeed; I was loosed from my afflictions and irons; my temptations also fled away; so that from that time those dreadful scriptures of God left off to trouble me: now went I also home rejoicing, for the grace and love of God; so when I came home, I looked to see if I could find that sentence; _Thy righteousness is in heaven_, but could not find such a saying; wherefore my heart began to sink again, only that was brought to my remembrance, 1 Cor. i. 30, _Christ Jesus_, _who of God is made unto us wisdom_, _and righteousness_, _and sanctification_, _and redemption_; by this word I saw the other sentence true.

231. For by this scripture I saw that the Man Christ Jesus, as He is distinct from us, as touching His bodily presence, so He is our righteousness and sanctification before God. Here therefore I lived, for some time, very sweetly at peace with God through Christ; Oh! methought, Christ! Christ! there was nothing but Christ that was before my eyes: I was not now (only) for looking upon this and the other benefits of Christ apart, as of His blood, burial, or resurrection, but considering Him as a whole Christ! as He in whom all these, and all His other virtues, relations, offices and operations met together, and that He sat on the right hand of God in heaven.

232. ’Twas glorious to me to see His exaltation, and the worth and prevalency of all His benefits, and that because now I could look from myself to Him and should reckon, that all those graces of God that now were green on me, were yet but like those cracked groats and fourpence-halfpennies that rich men carry in their purses, when their gold is in their trunks at home: Oh! I saw my gold was in my trunk at home! In Christ my Lord and Saviour. Now Christ was all; all my wisdom, all my righteousness, all my sanctification, and all my redemption.

233. Further, the Lord did also lead me into the mystery of union with the Son of God; that I was joined to Him, that I was flesh of His flesh, and bone of His bone; and now was that word sweet to me in Eph. v. 30. By this also was my faith in Him, as my righteousness, the more confirmed in me; for if He and I were one, then His righteousness was mine, His merits mine, His victory also mine. Now could I see myself in heaven and earth at once: in heaven by my Christ, by my head, by my righteousness and life, though on earth by my body or person.

234. Now I saw Christ Jesus was looked upon of God; and should also be looked upon by us, as that common or public person, in whom all the whole body of His elect are always to be considered and reckoned; that we fulfilled the law by Him, died by Him, rose from the dead by Him, got the victory over sin, death, the devil, and hell, by Him; when He died, we died, and so of His resurrection. _Thy dead men shall live_, _together with My dead body shall they arise_, saith He. Isa. xxvi. 19. And again, _after two days He will revive us_, _and the third day He will raise us up_, _and we shall live in His sight_. Hosea vi. 2. Which is now fulfilled by the sitting down of the Son of Man on the right hand of the Majesty in the heavens; according to that to the _Ephesians_, _And hath raised us up together_, _and made us sit together in heavenly places in Christ Jesus_. Eph. ii. 6.

235. Ah! these blessed considerations and scriptures, with many others of like nature, were in those days made to spangle in mine eyes; so that I have cause to say, _Praise ye the Lord_. _Praise God in His sanctuary_, _praise Him in the firmament of His power_; _praise Him for His mighty acts_: _praise Him according to His excellent greatness_. Psalm cl. 1, 2.

236. Having thus in a few words given you a taste of the sorrow and affliction that my soul went under, by the guilt and terror that this my wicked thought did lay me under; and having given you also a touch of my deliverance therefrom, and of the sweet and blessed comfort that I met with afterwards, which comfort dwelt about a twelvemonth with my heart, to my unspeakable admiration: I will now (God willing), before I proceed any farther, give you in a word or two, what, as I conceive, was the cause of this temptation; and also after that, what advantage, at the last, it became unto my soul.

237. For the causes, I conceived they were principally two: of which two also I was deeply convinced all the time this trouble lay upon me. The first was, for that I did not, when I was delivered from the temptation that went before, still pray to God to to keep me from the temptations that were to come; for though, as I can say in truth, my soul was much in prayer before this trial seized me, yet then I prayed only, or at the most principally, for the removal of present troubles, and for fresh discoveries of His love in Christ, which I saw afterwards was not enough to do; I also should have prayed that the great God would keep me from the evil that was to come.

238. Of this I was made deeply sensible by the prayer of holy _David_, who when he was under present mercy, yet prayed that God would hold him back from sin and temptation to come; _Then_, saith he, _shall I be upright_, _and I shall be innocent from the great transgression_. Psalm xix. 13. By this very word was I galled and condemned quite through this long temptation.

239. That was also another word that did much condemn me for my folly, in the neglect of this duty. Heb. iv. 16: _Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace_, _that we may obtain mercy_, _and find grace to help in time of need_. This I had not done, and therefore was thus suffered to sin and fall, according to what is written, _Pray that ye enter not into temptation_. And truly this very thing is to this day of such weight and awe upon me, that I dare not, when I come before the Lord, go of my knees, until I intreat Him for help and mercy against the temptations that are to come; and I do beseech thee, reader, that thou learn to beware of my negligence, by the afflictions, that for this thing I did for days, and months, and years, with sorrow undergo.

240. Another cause of this temptation was, that I had tempted God; and on this manner did I do it: Upon a time my wife was great with child, and before her full time was come, her pangs, as of a woman in travail, were fierce and strong upon her, even as if she would have fallen immediately in labour, and been delivered of an untimely birth: now at this very time it was, that I had been so strongly tempted to question the being of God; wherefore, as my wife lay crying by me, I said, but with all secrecy imaginable, even thinking in my heart, _Lord_, _if Thou wilt now remove this sad affliction from my wife_, _and cause that she be troubled no more therewith this night_ (and now were her pangs just upon her), _then I shall know that Thou canst discern the most secret thoughts of the heart_.

241. I had no sooner said it in my heart, but her pangs were taken from her, and she was cast into a deep sleep, and so continued till morning; at this I greatly marvelled, not knowing what to think; but after I had been awake a good while, and heard her cry no more, I fell asleep also; so when I awaked in the morning, it came upon me again, even what I had said in my heart the last night, and how the Lord had showed me, that He knew my secret thoughts, which was a great astonishment unto me for several weeks after.

242. Well, about a year and a half afterwards, that wicked sinful thought, of which I have spoken before, went through my wicked heart, even this thought, _Let Christ go_, _if He will_: so when I was fallen under the guilt for this, the remembrance of my other thought, and of the effect thereof, would also come upon me with this retort, which also carried rebuke along with it, _Now you may see that God doth know the most secret thoughts of the heart_.

243. And with this, that of the passages that were betwixt the Lord, and His servant _Gideon_, fell upon my spirit; how because that _Gideon_ tempted God with his fleece, both wet and dry, when he should have believed and ventured upon His word; therefore the Lord did afterwards so try him, as to send him against an innumerable company of enemies, and that too, as to outward appearance, without any strength or help. Judges vi. 7. Thus He served me, and that justly, for I should have believed His word, and not have put an _if_ upon the all-seeingness of God.

244. And now to show you something of the advantages that I also have gained by this temptation: and first, by this I was made continually to possess in my soul a very wonderful sense both of the blessing and glory of God, and of His beloved Son; in the temptation that went before, my soul was perplexed with unbelief, blasphemy, hardness of heart, questions about the being of God, Christ, the truth of the word, and certainty of the world to come: I say, then I was greatly assaulted and tormented with atheism, but now the case was otherwise; now was God and Christ continually before my face, though not in a way of comfort, but in a way of exceeding dread and terror. The glory of the holiness of God, did at this time break me to pieces; and the bowels and compassion of Christ did break me as on the wheel; for I could not consider Him but as a lost and rejected Christ, the remembrance of which, was as the continual breaking of my bones.

245. The scriptures also were wonderful things unto me; I saw that the truth and verity of them were the keys of the kingdom of heaven; _those_ that the scriptures favour, _they_ must inherit bliss; but _those_ that they oppose and condemn, _must_ perish for evermore: Oh! this word, _For the scriptures cannot be broken_, would rend the caul of my heart: and so would that other, _Whose sins ye remit_, _they are remitted_; _but whose sins ye retain_, _they are retained_. Now I saw the apostles to be the elders of the city of refuge. Joshua xx. 4. Those that they were to receive in, were received to life; but those that they shut out, were to be slain by the avenger of blood.

246. Oh! one sentence of the scripture did more afflict and terrify my mind, I mean those sentences that stood against me (as sometimes I thought they every one did) more, I say, than an army of forty thousand men that might have come against me. Woe be to him against whom the scriptures bend themselves!

247. By this temptation I was made to see more into the nature of the promises than ever I was before; for I lying now trembling under the mighty hand of God, continually torn and rent by the thundering of His justice: this made me with careful heart, and watchful eye, with great fearfulness to turn over every leaf, and with much diligence, mixed with trembling, to consider every sentence, together with its natural force and latitude.

248. By this temptation also I was greatly holden off from my former foolish practice of putting by the word of promise when saw it came into my mind; for now, though I could not suck that comfort and sweetness from the promise, as I had done at other times; yet, like to a man sinking, I would catch at all I saw: formerly I thought I might not meddle with the promise, unless I felt its comfort, but now ’twas no time thus to do; the avenger of blood too hardly did pursue me.

249. Now therefore I was glad to catch at _that_ word which yet I feared I had no ground or right to own; and even to leap into the bosom of that promise that yet I feared did shut its heart against me. Now also I should labour to take the word as God hath laid it down, without restraining the natural force of one syllable thereof: O! what did I now see in that blessed sixth of John: _And him that cometh to me_, _I will in no wise cast out_. John vi. 37. Now I began to consider with myself, that God hath a bigger mouth to speak with, than I had a heart to conceive with; I thought also with myself, that He spake not His words in haste, or in an unadvised heat, but with infinite wisdom and judgment, and in very truth and faithfulness. 2 Sam. iii. 28.

250. I should in these days, often in my greatest agonies, even flounce towards the promise (as the horses do towards sound ground, that yet stick in the mire); concluding (though as one almost bereft of his wits through fear) on this I will rest and stay, and leave the fulfilling of it to the God of heaven that made it. Oh! many a pull hath my heart had with Satan, for that blessed sixth of John: I did not now, as at other times, look principally for comfort (though, O how welcome would it have been unto me!). But now a word, a word to lean a weary soul upon, that it might not sink for ever! ’twas that I hunted for.

251. Yea, often when I have been making to the promise, I have seen as if the Lord would refuse my soul for ever; I was often as if I had run upon the pikes, and as if the Lord had thrust at me, to keep me from Him, as with a flaming sword. Then I should think of _Esther_, who went to petition the king contrary to the law. Esther iv. 16. I thought also of Benhadad’s servants, who went with ropes upon their heads to their enemies for mercy. 1 Kings xx. 31, etc. The woman of Canaan also, that would not be daunted, though called dog by Christ, Matt. xv., 22, etc., and the man that went to borrow bread at midnight, Luke xi. 5–8, etc., were great encouragements unto me.

252. I never saw those heights and depths in grace, and love, and mercy, as I saw after this temptation; great sins to draw out great grace; and where guilt is most terrible and fierce, there the mercy of God in Christ, when showed to the soul, appears most high and mighty. When _Job_ had passed through his captivity, _he had twice as much as he had before_. Job xlii. 10. Blessed be God for Jesus Christ our Lord. Many other things I might here make observation of, but I would be brief, and therefore shall at this time omit them; and do pray God that my harms may make others fear to offend, lest they also be made to bear the iron yoke as I did.

I had two or three times, at or about my deliverance from this temptation, such strange apprehensions of the grace of God, that I could hardly bear up under it: it was so out of measure amazing, when I thought it could reach me, that I do think if that sense of it had abode long upon me, it would have made me incapable for business.

253. Now I shall go forward to give you a relation of other of the Lord’s dealings with me at sundry other seasons, and of the temptations I then did meet withal. I shall begin with what I met with when first I did join in fellowship with the people of God in _Bedford_. After I had propounded to the church, that my desire was to walk in the order and ordinances of Christ with them, and was also admitted by them: while I thought of that blessed ordinance of Christ, which was His last supper with His disciples before His death, that scripture, _Do this in remembrance of Me_, Luke xxii. 19, was made a very precious word unto me; for by it the Lord did come down upon my conscience with the discovery of His death for my sins; and as I then felt, did as if He plunged me in the virtue of the same. But behold, I had not been long a partaker at that ordinance, but such fierce and sad temptations did attend me at all times therein, both to blaspheme the ordinance, and to wish some deadly thing to those that then did eat thereof: that lest I should at any time be guilty of consenting to these wicked and fearful thoughts, I was forced to bend myself all the while, to pray to God to keep me from such blasphemies: and also to cry to God to bless the bread and cup to them, as it went from mouth to mouth. The reason of this temptation, I have thought since, was, because I did not with that reverence that became me at first, approach to partake thereof.

254. Thus I continued for three quarters of a year, and could never have rest nor ease: but at the last the Lord came in upon my soul with that same scripture, by which my soul was visited before: and after that, I have been usually very well and comfortable in the partaking of that blessed ordinance; and have, I trust, therein discerned the Lord’s body, as broken for my sins, and that His precious blood hath been shed for my transgressions.

255. Upon a time I was something inclining to a consumption, wherewith about the spring I was suddenly and violently seized, with much weakness in my outward man; insomuch that I thought I could not live. Now began I afresh to give myself up to a serious examination after my state and condition for the future, and of my evidences for that blessed world to come: for it hath, I bless the name of God, been my usual course, as always, so especially in the day of affliction, to endeavour to keep my interest in the life to come, clear before mine eyes.

256. But I had no sooner began to recall to mind my former experience of the goodness of God to my soul, but there came flocking into my mind an innumerable company of my sins and transgressions; amongst which these were at this time most to my affliction; namely, my deadness, dulness, and coldness in holy duties; my wanderings of heart, of my wearisomeness in all good things, my want of love to God, His ways and people, with this at the end of all, _Are these the fruits of Christianity_? _Are these tokens of a blessed man_?

257. At the apprehensions of these things my sickness was doubled upon me; for now I was sick in my inward man, my soul was clogged with guilt; now also was my former experience of God’s goodness to me, quite taken out of my mind, and hid as if they had never been, or seen: now was my soul greatly pinched between these two considerations, _Live I must not_, _die I dare not_. Now I sunk and fell in my spirit, and was giving up all for lost; but as I was walking up and down in the house as a man in a most woeful state, that word of God took hold of my heart, _Ye are justified freely by His grace_, _through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus_. Rom. iii. 24. But oh! what a turn it made upon me!

258. Now was I as one awaked out of some troublesome sleep and dream; and listening to this heavenly sentence, I was as if I had heard it thus expounded to me: _Sinner_, _thou thinkest_, _that because thy sins and infirmities_, _I cannot save thy soul_; _but behold My Son is by me_, _and upon Him I look_, _and not on thee_, _and shall deal with thee according as I am pleased with Him_. At this I was greatly lightened in my mind, and made to understand, that God could justify a sinner at any time; it was but His looking upon Christ, and imputing His benefits to us, and the work was forthwith done.

259. And as I was thus in a muse, that scripture also came with great power upon my spirit, _Not by works of righteousness that we have done_, _but according to His mercy He hath saved us_, _etc._ 2 Tim. i. 9; Tit. iii. 5. Now was I got on high, I saw myself within the arms of grace and mercy; and though I was before afraid to think of a dying hour, yet, now I cried, _Let me die_: Now death was lovely and beautiful in my sight, for I saw _We shall never live indeed_, _till we be gone to the other world_. Oh! methought this life is but a slumber, in comparison with that above. At this time also I saw more in these words, _Heirs of God_, Rom. viii. 17, than ever I shall be able to express while I live in this world: _Heirs of God_! God Himself is the portion of the saints. This I saw and wondered at, but cannot tell you what I saw.

260. Again, as I was at another time very ill and weak, all that time also the tempter did beset me strongly (for I find he is much for assaulting the soul; when it begins to approach towards the grave, then is his opportunity), labouring to hide from me my former experience of God’s goodness: also setting before me the terrors of death, and the judgment of God, insomuch that at this time, through my fear of miscarrying for ever (should I now die), I was as one dead before death came, and was as if I had felt myself already descending into the pit; methought I said, There were no way, but to hell I must: but behold, just as I was in the midst of those fears, these words of the angel’s carrying _Lazarus_ into _Abraham’s_ bosom darted in upon me, as who should say, _So it shall be with thee when thou dost leave this world_. This did sweetly revive my spirit, and help me to hope in God; which when I had with comfort mused on a while, that word fell with great weight upon my mind, _O death_, _where is thy sting_? _O grave_, _where is thy victory_? 1 Cor. xv. 55. At this I became both well in body and mind at once, for my sickness did presently vanish, and I walked comfortably in my work for God again.

261. At another time, though just before I was pretty well and savoury in my spirit, yet suddenly there fell upon me a great cloud of darkness, which did so hide from me the things of God and Christ, that I was as if I had never seen or known them in my life: I was also so over-run in my soul with a senseless heartless frame of spirit, that I could not feel my soul to move or stir after _grace_ and _life_ by _Christ_; I was as if my loins were broken, or as if my hands and feet had been tied or bound with chains. At this time also I felt some weakness to seize upon my outward man, which made still the other affliction the more heavy and uncomfortable to me.

262. After I had been in this condition some three or four days, as I was sitting by the fire, I suddenly felt this word to sound in my heart, _I must go to Jesus_. At this my former darkness and atheism fled away, and the blessed things of heaven were set in my view. While I was on this sudden thus overtaken with surprise, Wife (said I), is there ever such a scripture, _I must go to Jesus_? She said, she could not tell; therefore I sat musing still, to see if I could remember such a place: I had not sat above two or three minutes, but that came bolting in upon me, _And to an innumerable company of angels_; and withal, Hebrews twelfth, about the mount _Sion_, was set before mine eyes. Heb. xii. 22–24.

263. Then with joy I told my wife, _O_! _now I know_, _I know_! But that night was a good night to me, I never had but few better; I longed for the company of some of God’s people, that I might have imparted unto them what God had showed me. Christ was a precious Christ to my soul that night; I could scarce lie in my bed for joy, and peace, and triumph, through Christ. This great glory did not continue upon me until morning, yet the twelfth of the Author to the Hebrews, Heb. xii. 22, 23, was a blessed scripture to me for many days together after this.

264. The words are these: _Ye are come to mount Sion_, _and unto the city of the living God_, _the heavenly Jerusalem_, _and to an innumerable company of angels_, _to the general assembly and church of the first-born_, _which are written in heaven_; _and to God the Judge of all_, _and to the spirits of just men made perfect_, _and to Jesus the Mediator of the New Covenant_, _and to the blood of sprinkling_, _that speaketh better things than that of Abel_. Through this blessed sentence the Lord led me over and over, first to this word, and then to that; and showed me wonderful glory in every one of them. These words also have oft since that time, been great refreshment to my spirit. Blessed be God for having mercy on me.

_A brief Account of the Author’s Call to the Work of the Ministry_

265. AND now I am speaking my experience, I will in this place thrust in a word or two concerning my preaching the word, and of God’s dealing with me in that particular also. For after I had been about five or six years awakened, and helped myself to see both the want and worth of Jesus Christ our Lord, and also enabled to venture my soul upon Him; some of the most able among the saints with us, I say, the most able for judgment and holiness of life, as they conceived, did perceive that God had counted me worth to understand something of His will in His holy and blessed word, and had given me utterance in some measure, to express what I saw to others, for edification; therefore they desired me, and that with much earnestness, that I would be willing, at sometimes to take in hand, in one of the meetings, to speak a word of exhortation unto them.

266. The which, though at the first it did much dash and abash my spirit, yet being still by them desired and entreated, I consented to their request, and did twice at two several assemblies (but in private), though with much weakness and infirmity, discover my gift amongst them; at which they not only seemed to be, but did solemnly protest, as in the sight of the great God, they were both affected and comforted; and gave thanks to the Father of mercies, for the grace bestowed on me.

267. After this, sometimes, when some of them did go into the country to teach, they would also that I should go with them; where, though as yet, I did not nor durst not, make use of my gift in an open way, yet more privately, still, as I came amongst the good people in those places, I did sometimes speak a word of admonition unto them also; the which they, as the other, received with rejoicing at the mercy of God to me-ward, professing their souls were edified thereby.

268. Wherefore, to be brief; at last, being still desired by the church, after some solemn prayer to the Lord, with fasting, I was more particularly called forth, and appointed to a more ordinary and public preaching of the word, not only to and amongst them that believed, but also to offer the gospel to those who had not yet received the faith thereof; about which time I did evidently find in my mind a secret pricking forward thereto; though I bless God, not for desire of vain-glory; for at that time I was most sorely afflicted with the fiery darts of the devil, concerning my eternal state.

269. But yet could not be content, unless I was found in the exercise of my gift, unto which also I was greatly animated, not only by the continual desires of the godly, but also by that saying of _Paul_ to the _Corinthians_: _I beseech you_, _brethren_ (_ye know the household of Stephanas_, _that it is the first fruits of Achaia_, _and that they have addicted themselves to the ministry of the saints_) _that ye submit yourselves unto such_, _and to every one that helpeth with us_, _and laboureth_. 1 Cor. xvi. 15, 16.

270. By this text I was made to see that the Holy Ghost never intended that men who have gifts and abilities, should bury them in the earth, but rather did command and stir up such to the exercise of their gift, and also did commend those that were apt and ready so to do. _They have addicted themselves to the ministry of the saints_. This scripture, in these days, did continually run in my mind, to encourage me, and strengthen me in this my work for God; I have also been encouraged from several other scriptures and examples of the godly, both specified in the word, and other ancient histories: _Acts_ viii. 4 and xviii. 24, 25, etc.; 1 _Pet._ iv. 10; _Rom._ xii. 6; _Fox’s Acts_ and _Mon._

271. Wherefore, though of myself of all the saints the most unworthy; yet I, but with great fear and trembling at the sight of my own weakness, did set upon the work, and did according to my gift, and the proportion of my faith, preach that blessed gospel that God had showed me in the holy word of truth: which when the country understood, they came in to hear the word by hundreds, and that from all parts, though upon sundry and divers accounts.

272. And I thank God, He gave unto me some measure of bowels and pity for their souls, which also did put me forward to labour, with great diligence and earnestness, to find out such a word as might, if God would bless, lay hold of, and awaken the conscience; in which also the good Lord had respect to the desire of His servant; for I had not preached long, before some began to be touched, and be greatly afflicted in their minds at the apprehension of the greatness of their sin, and of their need of Jesus Christ.