Chapter IV

It is doubtful that anyone ever enjoyed a trip on the _Kismet_ as much as Grandma Perkins did hers. Johnny waited on her hand and foot, she was served first at the table and she kept up a running flow of brilliant conversation. And if Captain Fogarty seemed to enjoy his meals less the latter part of the voyage than he had the first part, only the more malicious of the passengers dared to connect his loss of appetite with his new-found guest of honor.

All in all the rest of the trip was a fairly uneventful one for Grandma, save for one small incident the first night she was back on board ship. Luxuriating in her large, comfortable mother-of-pearl bed, Grandma heard a soft knocking at her door.

"Come in," she called in a small voice.

The door opened and in stalked Darling Toujours, a suitcase under her arms.

"I've come to take my cabin back, Mrs. Perkins," she said, a mean look in her eyes. "The only vacant one was the little hole in the wall they had you in the first part of the voyage, and I must say it isn't fit for a dog."

"Oh, I think you'll get used to it then," cood Grandma.

"Well, I don't intend to be the one to do the getting used to it," snarled the actress. "You see, my dear woman, I didn't say anything about this until you were safely on board again and we could start back for Earth, because I can't afford to be late for making my next picture."

Grandma looked a little surprised. "Say anything about what?"

"About how I was in the passageway and saw you get into that space suit and let yourself out the airlock, Mrs. Perkins. I don't believe that constitutes being forced to leave against your will. Therefore, STAR doesn't owe you a thing more than your passage, if that, and I want my suite back." The actress smiled triumphantly.

"But, Miss Toujours, surely no one would believe such a fantastic story like that."

Darling Toujours began to purr softly. "Captain Fogarty would. And now, my dear, if you'll just leave, I won't have to have you put out. And you can just take off my nice lace nightie to begin with!"

"Oh, my," said Grandma, sighing deeply but making no sign of moving. "And I was so hoping that I wouldn't have to say anything about all that business and cause you so much trouble."

Darling Toujours looked startled. Then a distrustful look came into her eyes. "What are you talking about?" she demanded suspiciously.

"Why, on board that pirate ship I noticed that one of the men, Snake Simpson, was wearing a picture of a very pretty girl. His wife, he said, only she had run out on him many years ago. Of course, her hair was blonde, and yours is black, and you seem to have done something to your nose in the meantime, but I'd never mistake the mouth. So large for your face, you know."

"Why, you little--" the younger woman began.

"I wouldn't tell anybody in the world about it. Unless, of course, you made trouble, Mrs. Simp--I mean, Miss Toujours."

"Nobody in the world would believe you!" snapped the actress.

Grandma gave her a beneficent smile. "Carlton E. Carlton would. By the way, my dear, I think I know now why you wear these nighties. But one does feel so naked in them, if you know what I mean. And now, if you'll please leave. This part of the ship is restricted to first class passengers."

* * * * *

When the _Kismet_ landed at the New York spaceport many days later, Grandma left the ship reluctantly, knowing that it marked the end of a great adventure for her. In protest against this, she took the little money she had with her and spent a full week of almost riotous living on the town, visiting all the nightclubs and the dives, flirting dangerously with men of 70 and 80, half her age, and almost getting arrested six times.

But one bright morning, her funds exhausted, she was deposited bag and baggage on the front lawn of Melissa Muir's Home for Elderly Ladies. Grandma looked the place over dourly.

"Well, I guess there's nothing left for me to do now but retire from active life and take up painting," Grandma said to herself. And picking up some of her effects, she started up the walk. Close to the front porch, however, two men stepped out from behind some shrubbery and started towards her.

"Grandma!" one of them shouted. And it was only then that she recognized Lamps and Snake, freshly shaven and with clean suits on.

"Why, Lamps O'Toole! And you, too, Snake! Whatever are you two doing at this old boneyard?" she said, hugging each in turn.

"We come to see you, Grandma," Lamps told her, bashful as a boy asking for his first date. "We had to put in to Earth for fuel, so we came by to see how you was."

Snake Simpson, plainly embarrassed at her display of affection, wriggled free from her bony embrace. "Yeah, Grandma, we come by to bring you a message from Perfessor Spindle. He still don't know what you did to the Suggestor Ray, but he says you're a real Icy Stein."

"You mean Einstein, Snake. That's very kind of the professor."

"And we brought you a little present to show you how much we appreciate you getting us the pardons," Lamps told her, thrusting a small package into her hands. "Don't go and open it until we leave, though."

Grandma Perkins felt a little flustered by all the attention she was receiving. "Why, thank you very much, boys. I'm sure I'll like it."

The three of them stood quite still and quite silent for a moment or two. Then Lamps said, "Well, I guess we ought to be going, Grandma. It's been good seeing you, and take care of yourself."

"Yeah, bye," said Snake, holding out a grimy paw hoping to escape with just a handshake. He did.

The two burly spacemen strode rapidly down the walk and climbed into their aircar. Grandma stood transfixed until the little vehicle had climbed far out of sight. Then she opened the present.

In the box she found a delicate bit of jewelry--a solid gold locket. The medallion was shaped like a rocket ship, and along the side of it, spelled out in tiny diamonds, was the name, _Dirty Shame_. Grandma held it in her hands for a spell, then pulled out a bit of a lace handkerchief and honked loudly.

Turning around, she surveyed her new home again. And she began to think, which was always dangerous. Her conscience, catching the drift of her thoughts, became alarmed.

"Now, Matilda Perkins, you wouldn't dare--" her conscience said to her.

"Oh, you shut up," she retorted. "But it would be awfully nice...."

* * * * *

The spaceship _Dirty Shame_ blasted off from the spaceport in a blaze of fire and smoke. Lamps O'Toole and Snake Simpson were at the controls, and neither of them was feeling much like talking. So, for the most part as they pushed the buttons and turned the switches that headed the ship out into space, they were quiet.

After a while Snake spoke up. "We're going to miss the old dame," he ventured as they pulled dear of Earth's atmosphere.

"Keep your trap shut," growled Lamps.

"Yes, sir, if I just close my eyes, I can still see the old gal, standing there at the micrafoam, giving that old Commodore the business. And you standing next to her, your mouth hanging out a mile."

Lamps gave the ship more velocity than was necessary. "Mind your own business, Snake."

"And I can hear them funny shoes of hers, clip clopping down the corridor, bringing us a batch of fresh biscuits." Snake sat bolt upright in his chair. "Lord a-massy, if I can't even smell them biscuits right now!"

Lamps let out a curse. "Now, see what you done, Snake? You got me so riled up I can smell 'em too."

Both of them stopped, sniffed long and hard, and then let out a whoop. Throwing the _Dirty Shame_ into full automatic, they dashed for the kitchen.

There, stooping over, peering into the oven, was a silver-haired, little old lady.

"Grandma!" they yelled in unison. "What are you doing here!"

Giving them her richest smile, she said, "Well, boys, I didn't raise a family of ten without knowing that hungry men need good, solid food. So I...."

It took a while and it took some wile and some of the best of Grandma's talking, but finally it was agreed by all hands that she would be allowed to remain on board, at least until they could get her back to Earth. And, in the end, the fresh batch of hot biscuits were probably her best argument.

After dinner, just before she headed to her cabin to slip off into a sound sleep, Lamps stopped her for one final question.

"Say, Grandma, I know this maybe sounds funny. But whatever in the world did you do to that suppressor ray?"

"Whatever do you mean?" answered Grandma with great innocence.

"Well, Professor Spindle, he looked at it, cussed at it, pulled it apart, said it couldn't possibly work, then all of a sudden he gave a big laugh and packed the whole contraption off to his laboratory. And I just wondered...."

Grandma Perkins snickered. "Lamps," she told him, "Promise me faithfully you won't tell a soul?" Lamps nodded.

"Well, sir, you've got a great deal to learn about women. You see, there just isn't anything made that a smart woman can't fix with a hairpin."

And plopping one last biscuit into his mouth for him, she clip-clopped down the corridor and off to bed.