Chapter I: Foreword

This book is made up from my contributions to _Punch_--a casual selection from the four hundred or so which have appeared in the last nine years. It is offered to the American public as a sample of that _Punch_ humour (and perhaps, therefore, British humour) which Americans so often profess not to understand. According to whether they like it or do not like it, I hope they will consider it a representative or an unrepresentative sample.

A.A.M.

CONTENTS

MARGERY

CHAPTER PAGE

I. ~Her Sock~ 13

II. ~How We Play the Pianola~ 20

III. ~The Knight of the Chimney-Piece~ 27

IV. ~The Art of Conversation~ 32

V. ~Afternoon Sleep~ 38

VI. ~A Twice Told Tale~ 44

VII. ~The Literary Art~ 50

VIII. ~My Secretary~ 56

IX. ~The Truth About Home Rails~ 62

LIFE'S LITTLE TRAGEDIES

X. ~A Crown of Sorrows~ 71

XI. ~The Lucky Month~ 76

XII. ~The Rescue~ 83

XIII. ~The Portuguese Cigar~ 90

XIV. ~A Cold World~ 96

XV. ~A Breath of Life~ 103

XVI. ~The Doctor~ 113

XVII. ~The Financier~ 120

XVIII. ~The Things That Matter~ 126

THREE STORIES

XIX. ~The Making of a Christmas Story~ 135

XX. ~A Matter-of-Fact Fairy Tale~ 151

XXI. ~The Seaside Novelette~ 166

OUT-OF-DOORS

XXII. ~The First of Spring~ 181

XXIII. ~The Coming of the Crocus~ 188

XXIV. ~The Landscape Gardener~ 195

XXV. ~Pat-Ball~ 202

XXVI. ~Ten and Eight~ 208

XXVII. ~An Inland Voyage~ 214

XXVIII. ~One of Our Sufferers~ 221

XXIX. ~Chum~ 228

XXX. ~"Under Entirely New Management"~ 234

XXXI. ~A Farewell Tour~ 241

INDOORS

XXXII. ~Physical Culture~ 251

XXXIII. ~An Insurance Act~ 258

XXXIV. ~Getting the Needle~ 264

XXXV. ~Dressing Up~ 270

XXXVI. ~The Complete Kitchen~ 276

XXXVII. ~An Informal Evening~ 283

XXXVIII. ~A Billiard Lesson~ 290

XXXIX. ~Bachelor Relics~ 297

LITTLE PLAYS FOR AMATEURS

XL. ~"Fair Mistress Dorothy"~ 305

XLI. ~"A Slight Misunderstanding"~ 312

XLII. ~"Miss Prendergast"~ 319

XLIII. ~"At Dead of Night"~ 326

XLIV. ~"The Lost Heiress"~ 335

XLV. ~"The Literary Life"~ 340

SUCCESSFUL MEN

XLVI. ~The Solicitor~ 349

XLVII. ~The Painter~ 356

XLVIII. ~The Barrister~ 363

XLIX. ~The Civil Servant~ 370

L. ~The Actor~ 377

LI. ~The Collector~ 384

LII. ~The Statesman~ 391

LIII. ~The Magnate~ 400

LIV. ~The Adventurer~ 407

LV. ~The Explorer~ 414

LVI. ~The Newspaper Proprietor~ 421

MARGERY

I. HER SOCK

I

When Margery was three months old I wrote a letter to her mother:

_Dear Madam_,--If you have a copy in Class D at 1/10d. net, I shall
be glad to hear from you.

I am,
~The Baby's Uncle.~

On Tuesday I got an answer by the morning post:

_Dear Sir_,--In reply to yours: How dare you insult my child? She is
in Class A1, priceless and bought in by the owner. Four months old
(and two days) on Christmas Day. Fancy!

I am,
~The Baby's Mother.~

Margery had been getting into an expensive way of celebrating her birthday every week. Hitherto I had ignored it. But now I wrote:

_Dear Madam_,--Automatically your baby should be in Class D by now.
I cannot understand why it is not so. Perhaps I shall hear from you
later on with regard to this. Meanwhile I think that the
extraordinary coincidence (all but two days) of the baby's birthday
with Christmas Day calls for some recognition on my part. What would
Margery like? You, who are in constant communication with her,
should be able to tell me. I hear coral necklaces well spoken of.
What do you think? I remember reading once of a robber who "killed a
little baby for the coral on its neck"--which shows at any rate that
they are worn. Do you know how coral reefs are made? It is a most
fascinating business.

Then there is a silver mug to be considered. The only thing you can
drink out of a mug is beer; yet it is a popular present. Perhaps
you, with your (supposed) greater knowledge of babies, will explain
this.

Meanwhile, I am,
~The Baby's Uncle.~

P.S.--Which is a much finer thing than a mother.

To which her mother:

_My Dear Boy_,--It is too sweet of you to say you would like to get
Baby something. No, I don't know how coral reefs are made, and don't
want to. I think it is wicked of you to talk like that; I'm sure I
shan't dare let her wear anything valuable now. And I don't think
she really wants a mug.

I'm sure I don't know what she does want, except to see her uncle
(There!) but it ought to be something that she'll value when she
grows up. And of course we could keep it for her in the meantime.

Her Father has smoked his last cigar to-day. Isn't it awful? I have
forbidden him to waste his money on any more, but he says he must
give me 500 for a Christmas present. If he does, I shall give him
that sideboard that I want so badly, and then we shall both go to
prison together. You will look after Baby, won't you?

I am,
~The Baby's Mother.~

P.S.--Which she isn't proud, but does think it's a little bit
classier than an uncle.

And so finally, I:

_Dear Child_,--I've thought of the very thing.

I am,
~The Baby's Uncle.~

That ends Chapter I. Here we go on to

II