Chapter II (1)

They were all in the "long parlor" after tea. It was a beautiful room, extending the length of the house, and it was large enough to contain four windows and two fire-places. The paper on the walls was old-fashioned--indeed, it had been there when the children's grandmother was a girl, and the furniture was of equally early date.

It was all handsome, but shabby-looking. A few dollars wisely spent would have made a vast difference in its appearance; but, unfortunately, there were never any dollars to spare.

Jack had resumed the argument. "Nonsense, nonsense, Jack!" said Mr. Franklin. "It is absurd for a boy like you to ask me for so much money. Incubators are of no good, anyhow. Give me a good old-fashioned hen."

"Perhaps, papa," said Cynthia, demurely, "Jack will give you a good old-fashioned hen if you let him buy an incubator to raise her with."

Mr. Franklin laughed. Then he grew very grave again.

"There's no doubt about my making something of it," persisted Jack. "I _wish_ you would let me try, father! I'll pay back whatever you lend me. Indeed I will. It's only forty dollars for the machine."

Mr. Franklin was very determined. He could seldom be induced to change his mind, and his prejudices were very strong. Jack's face fell. It was of no use; he would have to give it up.

Presently Aunt Betsey spoke. She had been an attentive listener to the conversation, and now she settled herself anew in her rocking-chair, and folded her hands in the way she always did when she had something of especial importance to say.

"How much money do you need, Jackie? Forty dollars, did you say?"

"Forty for the incubator," said Jack, rather shortly. He felt like crying, though he _was_ a boy, and he wished Aunt Betsey would not question him.

"And then you must buy the eggs," put in Cynthia.

"And what do the chicks live in after they come out?" asked Miss Trinkett, who knew something about farming, and with all her eccentricities was very practical.

"They live in brooders," said Jack, warming to his beloved subject. "If I could buy one brooder for a pattern I could make others like it. I'd have to fence off places for the chicks to run in, and that would take a little money. I suppose I'd have to have fifty-five or sixty dollars to start nicely with and have things in good shape."

"Nephew John," said Miss Betsey, solemnly, turning to Mr. Franklin, "I don't wish to interfere between parent and child, it's not my way; but if you have no other objections to Jackie's hen-making machine--I forget its outlandish name--I am willing, in fact I'd be very pleased, to advance him the money. What do you say to it?"

Jack sprang to his feet, and Cynthia enthusiastically threw her arms about Aunt Betsey's neck.

"You dear thing!" she whispered. "And you look sweet in your new hair." Upon which Miss Trinkett smiled complacently.

Mr. Franklin expostulated at first, but he was finally persuaded to give his consent. So it was finally settled.

"I will lend you seventy-five dollars," said Miss Trinkett. "You may be obliged to pay more than you think, and it's well to have a little on hand in case of emergencies."

The next day Miss Trinkett took an affectionate farewell from her nieces and nephews, promising to send Jack the money by an early date.

"And a book on raising poultry that my father used to consult," she added; "I always keep it on the table in the best parlor. I'll send it by mail. It's wonderful what things can go through the post-office nowadays. These are times to live in, I do declare, what with chicks without a mother and everything else."

Aunt Betsey was true to her word. During the following week a package arrived most lightly tied up, and addressed in an old-fashioned, indefinite hand to "Jackie Franklin, Brenton, Mass." Within was an ancient book which described the methods of raising poultry in the early days of the century, and inside of the book were seventy-five dollars in crisp new bank-notes.

It was a week or two after the installation of the incubator that Edith was seized with what Cynthia called "one of her terribly tidy fits."

"I am going to do some house-cleaning," she announced one beautiful Saturday morning, when Cynthia was hurrying through her Monday's lessons in a wild desire to get to the river. "Cynthia, you must help me. We'll clear out all the drawers and closets in the 'north room,' and give away everything we don't need, and then have Martha clean the room."

"Oh no!" exclaimed Cynthia; "everything in this house is as neat as a pin. And we haven't got anything we don't need, Edith. And I can't. I _must_ go on the river."

"You can go afterwards. You can spend all the afternoon on the river. This is a splendid chance for house-cleaning, with the children off for the morning. Come along, Cynthia--there's a dear."

Cynthia slowly and mournfully followed Edith up the stairs. She might have held out and gone on the river, but she knew Edith would do it alone if she deserted her, and Cynthia was unselfish, much as she detested house-cleaning.

"I am going to be very particular to-day," said Edith, as she wiped the ornaments of the room with her dusting-cloth and laid them on the bed to be covered, and took down some of the pictures.

"More particular than usual?"

"Yes, ever so much. I've been thinking about it a great deal. In all probability I shall always keep house for papa, and I mean to be the very best kind of a house-keeper. I am going to make a study of it. The house shall always be as neat as it can possibly be, and the meals shall be perfect. Then another thing," pursued Edith, from the closet where she was lifting down boxes and pulling out drawers. "I am going to be lovely with the children. They are to be taught to obey me implicitly, the very minute I speak. I am going to train them that way. I shall say one word, very gently, and that will be enough. I have been reading a book on that very subject. The eldest sister made up her mind to do that, and it worked splendidly."

"I hope it will this time, but things are so much easier in a book than out of it. Perhaps the children were not just like our Janet and Willy."

"They were a great deal worse. Our children are perfect angels compared to them."

"Here they come now, speaking of angels," announced Cynthia, as the tramp of small but determined feet was heard on the stairs and the door burst open.

"Dear me, you don't mean to say you are back!" exclaimed Edith. "I thought you were going to play out-of-doors all the morning."

"We're tired of it, and we're terrible hungry."

"An' we want sumpun to do."

"If this isn't the most provoking thing!" cried Edith, wrathfully, emerging from the closet. "I thought you were well out of the way, and here I am in the midst of house-cleaning! You are the most provoking children--don't touch that!"

For Janet had seized upon a box and was investigating its contents.

"Go straight out of this room, and don't come near me till it is done."

"We won't go!" they roared in chorus; "we're going to stay and have some fun."

Edith walked up to them with determination written on her face, and grasped each child tightly by the hand. The roars increased, and Cynthia concluded that it was about time to interfere.

"Come down-stairs with me," she said, "and I'll give you some nice crackers. And very soon one of the men is going over to Pelham to take the farm-horses to be shod. Who would like to go?"

This idea was seized upon with avidity. The three departed in search of the crackers, and quiet reigned once more. When Cynthia came back Edith said nothing for a few minutes. Then she remarked:

"Those children in the book were not _quite_ as provoking as ours, but I suppose I ought to have begun right away to be gentle. Somehow, Cynthia, you always seem to know just what to say to everybody. I _wish_ I did! Janet and Willy both mind you a great deal better than they do me."

She was interrupted by a shout of joy from Cynthia.

"Edith, Edith, do look at this! Aunt Betsey's extra false front! She left it behind. Don't you know she told me to put it away? It's a wonder she hasn't sent for it. There, look!"

Edith turned with a brush in one hand and a dust-pan in the other, which dropped with a clatter when she saw her sister.

Cynthia had drawn back her own curly bang, and fastened on the smooth brown hair of her great-aunt. The puffs adorned either side of her rosy face, and she was for all the world exactly like Miss Betsey Trinkett, whose eyes were as blue and nose as straight as those of fourteen-year-old Cynthia, who was always said to greatly resemble her.

"You're the very image of her," laughed Edith. "No one would ever know you apart, if you had on a bonnet and shawl like hers."

"Edith," exclaimed Cynthia, "I have an idea! I'm going to dress up and make Jack think Aunt Betsey has come back. He'll never know me in the world, and it will be such fun to get a rise out of him."

Cynthia's enthusiasm was contagious, and Edith, leaving bureau drawers standing open and boxes uncovered, hurried off to find the desired articles.

Cynthia was soon dressed in exact reproduction of Aunt Betsey's usual costume, with a figured black-lace veil over her face, and, as luck would have it, Jack was at that moment seen coming up the drive. She hastily descended to the parlor, where she and Edith were discovered in conversation when Jack entered the house.

"Holloa, Aunt Betsey!" he exclaimed, as he kissed her unsuspectingly. "Have you come back?"

"Yes, Jackie," said a prim New England voice with a slightly provincial accent. "I thought I'd like to hear about those little orphan chicks, and so I said to Silas, said I, Silas--"

Edith darted from her chair to a distant window, and Cynthia was obliged to break off abruptly, or she would have laughed aloud. Jack, however, took no notice. The mention of the chickens was enough for him.

"Don't you want to come down and see the machine? I say, Aunt Betsey, you were a regular brick to send me the money. Did you get my letter?"

"Yes, Jackie, and I hope you are reading the book carefully. You will learn a great deal from it, about hens."

"Yes. Well, I haven't got any hens yet. Look out for these stairs, Aunt Betsey. They're rather dangerous."

This was too much for Cynthia. To be warned about the cellar stairs, over which she gayly tripped at least a dozen times a day, was the crowning joke of the performance. She sat down on the lowest step and shouted with laughter. Jack, who was studying his thermometer, turned in surprise.

It was too good. Cynthia tossed up her veil, and turned her crimson face to her brother.

"Oh, Jack, Jack, I have you this time! Oh, oh, oh! I never dreamed you would be so taken in!" And she danced up and down with glee.

Jack's first feeling was one of anger. How stupid he had been! Then his sense of the ludicrous overcame him, and he joined in the mirth, laughing until the tears rolled down his face.

"It's too good to be wasted," he said, as soon as he could speak. "Why don't you go and see somebody? Go to those dear friends of Aunt Betsey's, the Parkers."

"I will, I will!" cried Cynthia. "I'll go right away now. Jack, you can drive me there."

"Oh no!" exclaimed Edith. "They would be sure to find you out, and it would be all over town. You sha'n't do it, Cynthia."

"They'll never find me out. If Jack, my own twin brother, didn't, I'm sure they wouldn't. I'm going! Hurry up, Jack, and harness the horse."

Jack went up the stairs like lightning, and was off to the barn. All Edith's pleadings and expostulations were in vain. Cynthia could be very determined when she pleased, and this time she had made up her mind to pay no attention to the too-cautious Edith.

She waved farewell to her sister in exact imitation of Aunt Betsey's gesture, and drove away by Jack's side in the old buggy.

They drew up at the Parkers' door, and Jack politely assisted "Aunt Betsey" from the carriage. He ran up the steps and rang the bell for her, and then, taking his place again in the buggy, he drove off to a shady spot, and waited for his supposed aunt to reappear.

"Don't be too long," he had whispered at parting.

It seemed hours, but it was really only twenty minutes later, when the front door opened, and the quaint little figure descended the steps amid voluble good-byes.

"So glad to have seen you, my dear Miss Trinkett! I never saw you looking so well or so young. You are a marvel. And you won't repeat that little piece of news I told you, will you? You will probably hear it all in good time. Good-by!"

It was a very quiet and depressed Aunt Betsey who got into the carriage and drove away with Jack, very different from the gay little lady who had entered the Parkers' gates.

"Well, was it a success? Did she know you? Tell us about it," said Jack, eagerly.

"Jack, don't ask me a word."

"Why? I say, what's up? What's the matter? Did she find you out?"

"No, of course not. She never guessed it. But--but--oh, Jack, she told me something."

"But what was it?"

"I--I don't believe I can tell you!"

[TO BE CONTINUED.]

THE KNAVE OF HEARTS

A Fourth-of-July Play in One Act.

BY ALBERT LEE.

_CHARACTERS_:

QUEEN OF CLUBS.
QUEEN OF HEARTS.
QUEEN OF SPADES.
QUEEN OF DIAMONDS.
KING OF SPADES.
KING OF DIAMONDS.
JOKER.
KING OF HEARTS.
KING OF CLUBS.
KNAVE OF HEARTS.
KNAVE OF SPADES.
KNAVE OF DIAMONDS.
KNAVE OF CLUBS.

SCENE.--_Audience-chamber in the palace of the KING OF HEARTS. The
thrones of the KING and QUEEN in the centre of the stage at back.
Near the KING's throne a small gilded three-legged stool.
Entrances R. and L. Three arm-chairs R. A bench L. At the rising
of the curtain the JOKER is discovered seated on the KING's
throne, leaning on one elbow, his rattle hanging idly in the other
hand. He is apparently meditating. He speaks slowly, with a pause
between each sentence._

JOKER. Peradventure it may seem improper for a fool to leave his lowly place and climb upon the throne. But no one's here to say me nay; and by my faith fools have sat on thrones before. What odds, then, if there's one fool more or one fool less beneath the dais? To be sure, my crown's a fool's cap and my sceptre's a rattle, and so, perhaps, not imposing; but it pleases me to sit here and fancy myself a King. Nay, laugh not. It's the province of a fool to be foolish. And verily am I not a king? Am I not monarch of all I survey? In truth I am, for I survey nothing, and am therefore King of Nothing. There's a title for you--his Majesty the King of Nothing! (_Yawns and stretches and rises from the throne; picks up his stool, places it near the front, and sits down._) In faith the throne's no softer than the stool, and perhaps it is best for me to cling to this. It affords at least one advantage over the King. If he falls--and I fall--he gets the greater injury, for he tumbles from a higher place. (_Laughs softly, and then sings:_)

"For it's nonny, hey nonny, the Jester's song,
It's nonny, hey nonny, hey oh!
For it's nonny, hey nonny, no life is long;
Oh, merry be ye here below!"

[_As he sings the last line there is a loud noise of exploding
fire-crackers behind the scenes, and the four KNAVES come tumbling
in at the door L. in great confusion, all talking at once. The
KNAVE OF HEARTS holds a lighted taper in his hand, and the other
KNAVES carry fire-crackers and other fireworks under their arms._]

KNAVE OF SPADES. Thou didst it.

KNAVE OF HEARTS. Thou speakest false. 'Twas he.

KNAVE OF DIAMONDS. Never. Hearts did it.

KNAVE OF CLUBS. Hearts held the taper. He did it. Thou didst it.

KNAVE OF SPADES. Ay, ay, 'twas he.

KNAVE OF HEARTS. I say thee nay.

KNAVE OF DIAMONDS. He gives him the lie direct.

KNAVE OF CLUBS. I saw him. I saw him.

JOKER (_rising, shakes the stool in one hand, the rattle in the other, and shouts_). Silence! silence, ye riotous varlets! What is this now? What is it? Why all this noise and debate?

KNAVE OF HEARTS. Nay, Sir Joker, but it was the Knave of Spades.

KNAVE OF SPADES. Thou speakest false.

KNAVE OF DIAMONDS AND KNAVE OF CLUBS. Ay, ay, Hearts held the taper.

[_The KNAVE OF HEARTS quickly blows out the taper and throws it
away. The KNAVES all begin to talk to the JOKER at once. He stops
his ears and shouts._]

JOKER. Silence, I beg of ye! Silence! What is it, I say?

THE FOUR KNAVES (_speaking all together_). Good Sir Joker, let me explain.

JOKER. One at a time, I pray of ye! Now speak thou, Spades. What is this alarum? Whither go ye? And what bear ye? And bearing what, whither do you bear it?

KNAVE OF SPADES. Good Sir Joker, if you would ask but one question, and that direct, making it simple too, it were the easier to give a reply.

JOKER (_sitting down again_). Troth, for a fat Knave thou speakest plainly. 'Tis to be hoped thou canst hear as well. Now listen. Whither go ye?

KNAVE OF SPADES. To the banquet hall.

JOKER. And what bear ye?

KNAVE OF SPADES. Fireworks.

JOKER. Fireworks?

KNAVE OF SPADES. Indeed, fireworks.

KNAVE OF HEARTS (_poking a large fire-cracker into the JOKER's face_). Art blind? Canst not see?

JOKER (_much alarmed_). Away there, varlet, away!

KNAVE OF SPADES. Ay, fireworks, Sir Joker, for to-day 'tis the glorious Fourth.

JOKER. To-day the Fourth of July?

KNAVE OF DIAMONDS (_to the other KNAVES in a mocking tone_). He was well named "Fool."

KNAVE OF CLUBS. In truth he was; yet no name was necessary. 'Tis plain writ upon his face.

[_The KNAVES laugh loudly._]

JOKER. Marry, for a pack of rowdy varlets ye four do verily hold first claim, although you rotund Knave of Spades doth possibly deserve exemption. I prithee, Spades, whyfore all this preparation? Why these fireworks? And why so many large red fire-crackers?

KNAVE OF SPADES. Have you not heard of the King's banquet?

KNAVE OF HEARTS (_sitting down on the bench and shaking his head wearily_). Nay, Spades, ask him not. He has the ass's ears, but hears naught.

KNAVE OF DIAMONDS. Or hearing, understands naught.

JOKER. By my halidame an ye ruffians bridle not your tongues, I will even on this torrid night fall to and smite ye till ye whine like hounds for mercy!

[_Threatens them with his rattle._]

THE FOUR KNAVES. Oh, but that is a fierce threat!

[_They nod their heads to one another in mock seriousness, and
point at the JOKER with the big fire-crackers._]

JOKER. And now, Spades--?

KNAVE OF SPADES. Ay, Sir Joker, to-night the King and Queen of Hearts do hold a sumptuous feast, and afterward there are to be fireworks galore. To the banquet have been invited the King and Queen of Spades, the King and Queen of Diamonds, and the King and Queen of Clubs.

JOKER. A right royal company, Spades.

KNAVE OF SPADES. Indeed right royal. And the feast too shall be right royal. My liege the King of Spades brings with him his fiddlers three.

JOKER. So, so! Ha, ha! [_Sings._]

"Old King Kole
Was a merry old soul.
A merry old soul was he;
He called for his pipe,
He called for his bowl,
And he called for his fiddlers three."

KNAVE OF HEARTS. Nay, but methinks the Joker hath his rhyming mood to-day. Sit thee down, Diamonds, and be a comfortable listener.

[_The Knave of Diamonds sits down on the bench beside the Knave of
Hearts._]

JOKER. It is meet that I should have my rhyming mood to-day; for at the feast will there not be mirth and rhyme and wit?

KNAVE OF HEARTS. Ay, mirth and doggerel, Joker; but what wit there may be thou'lt not answer for 't.

JOKER (_rising and shaking his fist_). I can answer for thee, though, thou churl!

KNAVE OF HEARTS [_bowing_]. Gramercy, but I can answer for myself.

JOKER. And 'twill not be the first time. Methinks, as a thief thou hast already been called upon to answer once. (_Sits down again._) And now, Spades, I beg of thee, proceed.

KNAVE OF SPADES. There is little more to tell, Sir Joker, save that the Queen of Hearts herself did fashion these huge fire crackers--eight of them, that there should be one for a salute to each guest. We bear them now to the banquet hall.

KNAVE OF DIAMONDS. Ay, and the quicker we go hence the wiser; for time moves on apace, and the guests will soon be here.

JOKER (_rising from his stool and making a mock obeisance_). My gratitude, gentle Knaves, for your varied courtesies. (_The KNAVES bow and exeunt, R., in single file. JOKER puts his stool back in its place, beside the throne._) Of two misfortunes, rather let me suffer that of being a fool than a knave. The one knows nothing of the evil he does; the other knows nothing of the evil he does not do. And methinks whether of evil or of good those Knaves know but little of what they now perform. They bear those explosive bombs to the banquet hall? Surely they err. But of my affair it is none, and so I shall sagely hold my peace upon it, and--tap my wit! For here come the King and Queen.

[_Music. Enter the KING and QUEEN OF HEARTS, L., the JOKER bowing
and dancing before them as they come. They take their seats upon
the thrones._]

KING OF HEARTS. Well, Sir Joker, what was this riot that I lately heard? What this odor of powder and saltpetre?

JOKER. The Knaves, my lord, the Knaves, the sorry Knaves. They did but even pass this way toward the banquet hall, bearing fireworks. (_Sits down in one of the arm-chairs, and juggles with his rattle._) They did by mischance set off several of the pieces, and wellnigh scared me of the possession of my wits.

KING OF HEARTS (_laughing_). Yet thou hast thy fool's cap still well on, I hope?

JOKER. That I have, sire. So well on that even should you wish to borrow it, you could not get it off.

KING OF HEARTS. Thou needst have no fear that I shall care to deprive thee of that honor.

JOKER. Nay, but Kings have played the fool before.

KING OF HEARTS. True. And thou mayst well add--many a fool has played the King.

JOKER. But do not accuse me, sire. I never played you. I do but play upon you.

KING OF HEARTS. Thou playest upon me?

JOKER. Only to hear your sweet notes, my liege.

QUEEN OF HEARTS. Thou hast a well-turned speech to-day, Joker.

JOKER. Well turned, my Queen? Yet not so well turned as those giant fire-crackers which you have fashioned for the feast. Those indeed are royal bombs!

QUEEN OF HEARTS. Bombs? They are indeed harmless. There is nothing in them, but I warned the Knaves to handle them carefully, saying they might unexpectedly explode. [_Laughs._]

JOKER. And so, if they exploded, 'twould in truth be unexpected!

[_As the JOKER finishes his speech, enter KNAVE OF DIAMONDS, L. He
holds the portieres up and announces in loud and formal tones._]

KNAVE OF DIAMONDS. Their Majesties the King and Queen of Diamonds.

[_Music. Enter the KING and QUEEN OF DIAMONDS, L._]

KING OF HEARTS. Welcome, my cousin of Diamonds. Welcome this glorious July day.

QUEEN OF HEARTS. Welcome, fair lady. "First come, best loved," is the saying, you know--and ye are the first come. Pray be seated.

[_At the entrance of the KING and QUEEN OF DIAMONDS the KING and
QUEEN OF HEARTS rise to greet them. The KING OF DIAMONDS bows to
the KING OF HEARTS and kisses the hand of the QUEEN OF HEARTS. The
QUEEN OF DIAMONDS courtesies. She then sits down in an arm-chair,
R., and the KING OF DIAMONDS takes his stand behind her. The KNAVE
OF DIAMONDS drops the portiere and sits on the bench._]

JOKER (_to QUEEN OF DIAMONDS_). Even the sun, fair lady--which is said by the poets to shine brightest this fair month of July--even the sun fails to outsparkle your priceless precious stones.

QUEEN OF DIAMONDS. Ah, you have a pretty wit, Sir Joker. But are they not truly the most brilliant of jewels?

JOKER. The most brilliant of jewels, yes; but they pale before their wearer's beauty.

[_Takes his seat on the stool near the throne._]

[_Enter, L., KNAVE OF CLUBS, who announces,_]

KNAVE OF CLUBS. Their Majesties the KING and QUEEN OF CLUBS.

[_Music. Enter the KING and QUEEN OF CLUBS, L._]

KING OF HEARTS. Welcome, welcome, good Clubs. My best wishes, fair lady, my best wishes!

QUEEN OF HEARTS (_to QUEEN OF CLUBS_). Greeting to you, and pray take seat beside our cousin of Diamonds.

[_At the entrance of the KING and QUEEN OF CLUBS, the KING and
QUEEN OF HEARTS arise, as before. The KING OF CLUBS bows to the
KING OF HEARTS, and kisses the hand of the QUEEN OF HEARTS. The
QUEEN OF CLUBS courtesies. She then sits down in an arm-chair next
to the QUEEN OF DIAMONDS, the KING OF CLUBS stands behind her, and
the KNAVE OF CLUBS takes his place on the bench._]

QUEEN OF HEARTS. It is indeed a pleasure to have you here again. 'Tis now many a long day since I have seen you.

QUEEN OF CLUBS (_fanning herself, and affecting an air of great weariness_). Ah, dear lady of Hearts, you cannot conceive of my perplexities. What with tournaments and levees and audiences at large, the days do slip so swiftly by, giving me no pause for rest or recovery, that I do find myself ending the week ere I realize it to have begun.

JOKER. Yet time, fair Queen, seems to have touched your comely brow with a light finger. The winged hours fly swiftly past you, but yourself dwell at the one sweet station of constant youthfulness.

QUEEN OF CLUBS (_haughtily_). So graceful a speech, Sir JOKER, were worthy of a knight rather than of a fool.

JOKER. It is for the listener to detect when the fool speaks foolishly. For he himself is too great a fool to judge of the burden of his speech.

QUEEN OF DIAMONDS (_superciliously, to QUEEN OF CLUBS_). Methinks his words have a double edge.

JOKER (_to QUEEN OF DIAMONDS_). You wrong me, good lady, for he that playeth with edged tools is most apt to cut himself.

[_Enter, L., KNAVE OF SPADES, who announces,_]

KNAVE OF SPADES. Their Majesties the King and Queen of Spades.

[_Music. Enter, L., in great haste, the KING and QUEEN OF
SPADES._]

KING OF SPADES (_breathlessly_). Ah, I so greatly feared, my lord--

KING OF HEARTS. A hand to thee, cousin of Spades, a hand to thee, and welcome.

QUEEN OF HEARTS. And a fair day to you, good dame of Spades.

QUEEN OF SPADES (_panting_). Sweet cousin, we did so greatly fear to be behindhand that we did hasten beyond all reason. I am quite forlorn of breath.

QUEEN OF HEARTS. Seat you, seat you, good lady.

[_The KING and QUEEN OF SPADES are very much out of breath, and
very warm. The KING and QUEEN OF HEARTS arise in their entrance to
greet them, but the KING and QUEEN OF SPADES are so overcome with
excitement that they forget the conventionalities, and the QUEEN
OF SPADES flops into the third arm-chair without making any
courtesy. The KING OF SPADES takes his stand behind her, wiping
his brow vigorously with his handkerchief, then suddenly remembers
he has omitted to kiss the hand of his hostess. He hastens across
the stage falling as he goes, and makes up for the omission. The
KNAVE OF SPADES sits on the bench._]

QUEEN OF HEARTS. There, now, rest you easily, for there is small haste for the feast.

KING OF SPADES (_still mopping his face and puffing_). I am much relieved that we were not late on the banquet, King of Hearts. The banquet should have waited on you, cousin.

KING OF SPADES (_pacing about the stage, nervously fanning himself; occasionally he stumbles and falls_). Ay, but I might not so well have waited on the banquet.

QUEEN OF SPADES. True, he hungers mightily.

[_Fans herself vigorously with her handkerchief._]

QUEEN OF HEARTS (_to JOKER_). Sir Joker, the Queen of Spades suffereth of her exertions. I beg of you seek a fan.

[_JOKER bows, and exit R._]

QUEEN OF CLUBS (_aside to QUEEN OF DIAMONDS_). I marvel at the rapacity of some folk.

QUEEN OF DIAMONDS. Verily one might think that there lacked meat and cooks and scullions in the land of Spades.

QUEEN OF CLUBS. Nay, but I dare say they be short two scullions at the present hour. [_They laugh._]

QUEEN OF HEARTS (_to QUEEN OF DIAMONDS_). What say you?

QUEEN OF CLUBS. I was saying that if haste might always so trim our cheeks with color as that which now blooms upon the fair face of our cousin of Spades, it were worth the discomfort of so great an energy.

[_Enter JOKER, R. He presents fan to QUEEN OF SPADES, who fans
herself boisterously._]

JOKER. Would I were a fan, that even my whispers might be of such grateful reception to a lady's ear!

QUEEN OF SPADES. Not my ear, Sir Joker, not my ear. It is my nose that reddens from my efforts.

KING OF SPADES (_wiping his brow and neck with his handkerchief_). And as to me, it is my neck. 'Tis the pity of being stout.

JOKER. The neck, Sir King? Aha, but I warrant that even if it be moist without, it is dry within.

KING OF SPADES (_with asperity_). Ay, marry, fool; but not so dry as thy wit.

KING OF HEARTS. Come, come, cousin, heed him not. (_The JOKER moves over to the throne of the QUEEN OF HEARTS, and enters into earnest conversation with her._) It pleases me to hear you say you bring a good appetite to the feast.

KING OF SPADES. Verily I feel as though I were one vast incarnation of appetite.

KING OF HEARTS. All the more honor will you do us, and we shall ever recall this Fourth of July as one that pleased you. And the good lady of Spades, has she too--

QUEEN OF HEARTS (_screams_). Ah, me! Ah, lackaday, lackaday! [_Faints._]

KING OF HEARTS. What is this? What is this? The Queen faints! A cup! a cup!

QUEEN OF DIAMONDS, QUEEN OF CLUBS, QUEEN OF SPADES (_rising and rushing to the QUEEN OF HEARTS' seat. They pat her hands and fan her_). Yes, a cup, a cup!

[_The three KNAVES rush out, R., tumbling over one another and
shouting "Water, water!" The KNAVES return, one at a time, bearing
glasses of water, but they are met each time by the KING OF
SPADES, who takes the glass, goes half-way to the QUEEN OF HEARTS,
and then, in his excitement, drinks the water himself. This
"business" can be carried on while the ensuing dialogue is being
spoken._]

QUEEN OF HEARTS (_recovering herself_). Nay, nay, trouble not. I am myself again. It was merely the Joker.

[_The three QUEENS resume their seats._]

KING OF HEARTS (_angrily_). The Joker?

QUEEN OF HEARTS. Ay, he spake in my ear, and said--

KING OF HEARTS (_threatening the JOKER_). What, Sir Joker! Hast thou dared to frighten or disturb the Queen?

QUEEN OF HEARTS (_expostulating_). Nay, nay, the Joker is good! Good Sir Joker, tell the King. Tell them all, that they may know!

KING OF HEARTS (_sternly_). Come, Sir Joker, what is this mystery?

JOKER. There is no mystery, my lord. It is all but too plain. Her Majesty the Queen, as you know, did fashion eight large fire-crackers of fine red paper, the which were placed upon the board for the banquet. I went to seek a fan for her Majesty of Spades, and in passing the banquet hall curiosity did impel me to look in upon the tables. The fire-crackers are not there, my liege. They have been purloined. They have been stolen.

[_Great excitement. The KINGS and QUEENS talk and gesticulate with
one another._]

KING OF HEARTS. What? The fire-crackers are stolen?

JOKER. Ay, my lord, stolen.

KING OF SPADES. And will there be no fireworks after the feast?

KING OF HEARTS. And the thief?

JOKER. It is but left for us to guess.

KING OF HEARTS. And thou hast suspicion?

JOKER. True, my lord, I have.

KING OF HEARTS. Name him, Sir Joker.

ALL. Ay, name him--name him!

JOKER. Nay, nay, my liege. 'Twere unjust falsely to accuse--

KING OF HEARTS. Name him, Sir Joker!

ALL. Ay, name him!

JOKER. My lord--

KING OF HEARTS. Name him. I command thee!

JOKER. Hath no man stolen before?

KING OF HEARTS. Thou meanest--

JOKER. The Knave of Hearts.

ALL (_lifting their hands_). The Knave of Hearts!

KING OF HEARTS. The rascal Knave! Where is he? Come, come, I must have him! He is not here? Then hale me hither that churlish lout, and heavily shall he pay his sins! (_Exeunt the three KNAVES, L._) Aha! but there is no cause for laughter here!

KING OF SPADES (_very much excited, throws himself in an exhausted condition on the bench, L._). Laughter--laughter? Well, I should say thee nay! Is the larder robbed?

QUEEN OF HEARTS. Nay, he has but taken the fire-crackers.

KING OF SPADES. The crackers--the crackers! Did he take the cheese too?

JOKER. Nothing else is gone.

King of Spades. Ah, fortune be praised!

QUEEN OF CLUBS (_to QUEEN OF HEARTS_). And did you fashion these fire-crackers?

KING OF HEARTS. With her own hands she fashioned them.

JOKER. One for each guest.

QUEEN OF CLUBS. Indeed--indeed! And is the Queen as dexterous at the fashioning of fire-crackers as she is at the baking of water-crackers and other light confections?

QUEEN OF HEARTS. You are sweet so to flatter me.

QUEEN OF CLUBS. But I so well remember the Christmas pie.

KING OF SPADES. Pie! Where is the pie?

JOKER. It was eaten last Christmas, the pie.

KING OF SPADES. Oh, alack!

JOKER. But it was a noteworthy pie. I have rhymed upon it. Pray listen. [_Sings._]

"Sing a song of sixpence,
A pocket full of rye,
Four-and-twenty blackbirds baked in a pie;
When the pie was opened
The birds began to sing;
Was not that a dainty dish to set before the King?"

KING OF SPADES. Indeed that must have been a toothsome dish.

[_Noise and commotion without. Enter the KNAVES, L., two dragging,
one pushing the KNAVE OF HEARTS. He is forced to his knees in
front of the KING OF HEARTS' throne._]

KING OF HEARTS (_sternly_). There be severe accusations against thee, Knave.

KNAVE OF HEARTS. Oh, my King! I pray--

KING OF HEARTS. Silence, churl! Answer but my questions. Didst thou steal the fire-crackers?

KNAVE OF HEARTS. Not "steal," my lord.

KING OF HEARTS. Didst thou steal the fire-crackers?

KNAVE OF HEARTS. I did but take them from the table.

KING OF HEARTS. Thou makest confession, then?

KNAVE OF HEARTS. My lord, my lord, I would but say one word in explanation.

KING OF HEARTS. Thou shalt say nothing. This is the second time thou art taken a thief. Last summer thou didst steal the Queen's tarts, and now thou takest the fire-crackers. Thou shalt pay for it with thine head! Thou shall be blown up to-night upon a monster pile of fireworks.

KNAVE OF HEARTS. Mercy, my lord--mercy! Let me explain.

KING OF HEARTS (_to the other KNAVES_). Remove him.

[_The KNAVE OF HEARTS is dragged out, L._]

QUEEN OF DIAMONDS. And did he steal once before?

KING OF HEARTS. That he did, and was therefore severely punished. I myself did beat him full sore.

KING OF SPADES (_slapping KING OF HEARTS on the back_). Do it again, cousin--do it again!

KING OF HEARTS (_approvingly_). That shall I! Thou speakest well. I beg your patience, ladies; but I will beat this Knave before he dies.

[_Exit KING, L., rolling up his sleeves._]

KING OF SPADES (_to QUEEN OF SPADES_). 'Tis fortunate he did but take the fire-crackers. I should have grieved surely had they been tarts; for tarts one may eat, but fire-crackers they be somewhat indigestible, I fear.

QUEEN OF CLUBS. I had not heard of this previous theft.

QUEEN OF HEARTS. It was similar to this, fair cousin. And the Joker hath likewise rhymed upon it.

QUEEN OF CLUBS. Indeed. And may we hear the verse, Sir Joker?

JOKER. It is a pleasure to sing it. [_Sings_]

"The Queen of Hearts
She baked some tarts
All on a summer's day--"

[_Sounds of beating without, and loud cries by the KNAVE OF HEARTS
of "Ow!" "Ow!" "Mercy, my lord!" "Hold!" "Hear me!"_]

QUEEN OF SPADES. 'Tis evident the punishment hath begun.

QUEEN OF CLUBS. Oh, the poor Knave! the poor Knave!

[_More sounds of beating and more cries. The KING OF SPADES
becomes very much excited._]

KING OF SPADES (_shaking his fist in the direction of the cries_). Have at him, good cousin of Hearts, have at him! Ah, but those are lusty blows! By my halidame, I would fain witness that controversy! [_Slaps his knee._]

JOKER. A most one-sided controversy, my lord.

KING OF SPADES. Nay, but I warrant the King doth lay it on both sides. [_More beating and cries._]

JOKER. Ay, from the sounds, he doth lay it on. But, doubtless, it will whet his appetite.

KING OF SPADES. His appetite? Now, by St. Dagobert, I have already an appetite as I had beaten an hundred knaves!

JOKER. Then will it also be a one-sided controversy when you meet the banquet board.

KING OF SPADES. I would fain go out and beat the Knave for causing this delay. (_Sounds and cries._) Have at him! Have at him, sir! Now, a good one for me, sir, a good one!

[_The sounds and cries gradually cease._]

QUEEN OF CLUBS. Prithee, Sir Joker, finish your rhyme; you did but sing the first lines.

JOKER (_sings_).

"The Queen of Hearts
She baked some tarts
All on a summer's day;
The Knave of Hearts
He stole those tarts,
And bore them far away.

"The King of Hearts
Called for those tarts,
And beat the Knave full sore--"

_Enter the KING OF HEARTS, L., somewhat out of breath, rolling
down his sleeves, and followed by the KNAVES OF DIAMONDS, CLUBS,
and SPADES._

KING OF HEARTS. Ah, but I did ply the rod right lustily! I am quite aweary. [_Sits down._]

KING OF SPADES (_rubbing his hands_). We did much enjoy the music!

QUEEN OF HEARTS. Good spouse, I would beg one thing of thee. It being the Fourth of July, and so our nation's birthday, spare the rogue his life. Let him come before us again. You heard him say he would make explanation. Let him come and speak. Perchance it is not too late for him to make restitution.

KING OF HEARTS (_in astonishment_). Dost thou truly desire that the varlet should be spared?

QUEEN OF HEARTS (_pleading_). Ay, truly, my lord. And I do especially yearn for the return of the fire-crackers.

KING OF SPADES. Ay, cousin, if he would but return the fire-crackers, hear him, I urge, hear him.

KING OF HEARTS (_to the three KNAVES_). Hale me hither that Knave again. (_Exeunt the KNAVES, L._) I greatly doubt me, sweet lady, that the thieving churl will return the crackers. He did not return the tarts. But if he can and does return the fire-crackers, then at your request will I spare him his life.

QUEEN OF HEARTS. You make me promise of that, my King?

KING OF HEARTS. You have my word upon it.

[_Enter, L., the three KNAVES escorting the KNAVE OF HEARTS, who
is very sore as a result of his beating._]

KING OF HEARTS. Knave, the Queen hath begged of me to let thee speak ere the headsman seals thy lips forever.

KNAVE OF HEARTS. A blessing upon you, good lady.

KING OF HEARTS. And now speak what thou hast to say, and may thy words be brief.

KNAVE OF HEARTS. My liege, I did not steal the fire-crackers. I did but see them near the tapers, and I did fear lest they catch fire and explode upon the table. Methought they were the daintier did they hold some sweet contents, and so I took them and bore them off, and found them void. So then I was about to bring them back to the banquet board, when yon messengers did seize me and hale me roughly before your Majesties.

KING OF HEARTS. And thou didst have intention to return them?

KNAVE OF HEARTS. Ay, verily, my liege. Verily I did. I plead now that I be allowed to bring them to the board.

KING OF HEARTS. Speakest thou the truth, Knave?

KNAVE OF HEARTS. Every word is truth, sire.

KING OF HEARTS. Then go thou and seek the fire-crackers. (_To the other KNAVES._) And go ye with him. (_To the KNAVE OF HEARTS._) The Queen holds my word that if thou bringest them back, I spare thy life. Now look to thyself. Away!

[_Exeunt, L., the four KNAVES._]

JOKER. It is a cheap life that costeth but eight fire-crackers!

KING OF SPADES. Ay, but the fire-crackers be worth more than yon Knave's life.

QUEEN OF HEARTS. Come, speak no more of his life. It is no longer forfeit. He hath promised restitution, and the King will bestow plenary pardon.

KING OF SPADES. Well, as for me, I am more anxious as to the crackers than as to any Knave's life.

[_Music. Enter, L., the four KNAVES, each bearing two large
fire-crackers. There are tarts in each. The KNAVES sand side by
side along the wall, L._]

KING OF SPADES. Aha, the fire-crackers, the fire-crackers!

QUEEN OF SPADES. And most wondrous, wondrous are they!

QUEEN OF DIAMONDS. Truly they be most marvellously fashioned.

KING OF HEARTS. Now, Knave, according to my promise, and because of the gracious intercession of the Queen, thy life is spared, for thou hast brought back the fire-crackers. Take them to the board. And if ever again thou art taken a thief, thou needst not reckon thy life at the hundredth part of a farthing.

KING OF SPADES. But, Sir King, the Knave did say he took the fire-crackers that he might place somewhat therein.

KING OF HEARTS. True, I remember he said so. Hast thou placed aught within them, Knave?

KNAVE OF HEARTS. Ay, my lord. When I did first purloin the Queen's tarts last summer, methought to eat them. But being so sorely beaten by your Majesty, I did refrain, and so kept the tarts uneaten. To-day I return the tarts in the fire-crackers, thereby making double restitution to her most charitable and generous Majesty the Queen of Hearts.

[_The KNAVES open the fire-crackers and shake out the tarts into a
tray held by the JOKER._]

QUEEN OF HEARTS. The tarts?

KNAVE OF HEARTS. Ay, my Queen, the identical tarts.

QUEEN OF CLUBS. But they must be stale of the last summer?

JOKER. Nay, fair lady. These be royal tarts, and not of the general. Age cannot stale them, nor can human possibility limit their infinite variety.

QUEEN OF HEARTS. Taste them, fair cousins, taste them.

[_The JOKER passes around the tarts; each player takes one._]

KING OF SPADES. And do I not taste? Do I have no tart?

QUEEN OF HEARTS. Ay, Sir King, there shall none go hungry here.

KING OF SPADES (_having taken a tart with each hand, bites out of each in turn as he speaks_). Ah, a strawberry tart and a gooseberry tart. But they be both most toothsome. Most excellent, most excellent, my lady of Hearts.

QUEEN OF DIAMONDS. Verily they are as if they had but just come from the oven!

QUEEN OF CLUBS. Most deliciously sweet.

QUEEN OF SPADES. So good I never tasted before.

KING OF HEARTS (_to KNAVE OF HEARTS_). It is well for thee, Knave, that thou hast so wisely demeaned thyself. The return of the tarts cleanses thee of all past evil-doing. Henceforth I hope thou wilt be, as before, a good Knave, a strong Knave, and a loyal Knave. Good friends, let us now to the banquet.

KING OF SPADES. A most laudable purpose!

[The KING OF HEARTS offers his hand to the QUEEN OF HEARTS, and
conducts her from the throne to the front of the stage. The three
other QUEENS rise and group themselves in a semicircle behind the
KING and QUEEN OF HEARTS. Thus, beginning from the right side of
the stage, the characters stand in this order in the semicircle:
KING OF SPADES, QUEEN OF SPADES, KING OF CLUBS, QUEEN OF CLUBS,
KING OF DIAMONDS, QUEEN OF DIAMONDS, JOKER, KNAVE OF HEARTS, KNAVE
OF SPADES, KNAVE OF DIAMONDS, and KNAVE OF CLUBS.]

QUEEN OF HEARTS (addressing the audience).

Kind friends, our play is done.
The crackers are returned;
Our end is won,
The lesson's learned;
And all that's left to do
Upon this festive eve
Is that we give to you
Our thanks before you leave.
But as you go, take this;
It is not quite a moral--
Yet the point you cannot miss,
And so we shall not quarrel:

'Tis well the Knave did not retain
These things, but brought them back.
'Tis good we made the King refrain
From executing Jack,
Else none could play at cards again
Short one Knave in the pack.

[CURTAIN.]

The costumes of the Kings and Queens and Knaves should be made to correspond as nearly as possible with the costumes of those characters in a pack of playing-cards, the colors used being red, white, yellow, and black. The Joker should be dressed in the regulation costume of a court jester of the sixteenth century, with cap and bells. This player should be selected with particular regard for his ability to enact the part, which requires gracefulness, some ability to sing, and a careless, debonair manner of speaking. If there are enough players available, the spectacular effect of the piece can be greatly enhanced by adding soldiers and court attendants to the speaking characters. The latter should be dressed like the lower Heart cards of the pack. This effect may be obtained by dressing the players in tunics (something like the placards worn by the "sandwich-men" who display advertisements on the streets), on which the face of the card may be easily represented with pieces of red flannel cut into the shape of hearts. The stage decoration should be entirely of hearts arranged in every conceivable combination. The fire-crackers should be of papier-mache, and made so as to open at one end. Such can be obtained at almost any confectioner's. The larger they are, the better. The tarts should be real tarts. Portieres should be hung in the two entrances, and if possible should resemble ancient tapestry. The effect of beating (when the King is punishing the Knave of Hearts) is easily obtained by having some one behind the scenes beat a rug or carpet with a cane--the louder the better. The fire-crackers in the opening scene should be set off in an empty barrel behind the scenes. The characters must remember that they are representing figures on playing-cards, and should be careful always to take the attitudes familiar to us on such cards. This is not required of the Joker. A pianist can add greatly to the effect of the performance by playing appropriate music at the entrance of the various characters, and at such other periods of the performance as may seem proper.

The four royal couples are supposed to represent different human characteristics. The Hearts are lovable, gentle, well-bred people. The Diamonds are rich, overbearing persons, and the Queen should be decked out with jewels. The Clubs represent social and political prominence and arrogance, and should hold themselves accordingly. The Spades are the exponents of the under-bred, uneducated, but well-meaning portion of society. Thus the Knave of Spades should be a good-natured fat fellow, meaning no harm, but not particularly comely or graceful.

If soldiers are added to the cast, they should enter with the King and Queen of Hearts, and take up their positions along the back of the stage at either side of the thrones. They should also stand by the doors, and should take the parts assigned to the Knaves in the scene where the Knave of Hearts is dragged before the King, and led away to be punished. But the returning of the fire-crackers must be done by the four Knaves.

The players who take the parts of the red cards should, if possible, be light haired, those who represent the black cards should be dark haired.

In the stage directions, R. stands for Right; L. for Left. The right and left sides of the stage correspond to the right and left sides of the spectators, not of the players.

* * * * *

GEORGE. "Mamma, baby's a stupid little fellow: the other day he cried for an hour, and then he didn't get it."

HOW TO BUILD AN INEXPENSIVE SHOOTING-BOAT.

Any boy with ordinary intelligence and mechanical skill can build this inexpensive and useful shooting-boat. Because it is called a shooting-boat it does not mean that it can be used for shooting only; on the contrary, a great many of these little boats are used for tenders to cat-boats on Barnegat Bay.

First, procure two hemlock boards--being the cheapest--10 feet long. Take off in the proper scale, from body plan of boat, Fig. 3, the sections numbered 1, 2, 3, 4, etc. Instead of cutting out curve of deck, as shown in body plan, make the part flat where the curve should be, as shown in mould No. 6. Carefully draw them upon pieces of planed pine boards. With a saw go over the lines and cut the sections out, taking great care, as the shape of your boat will depend upon these sections.

Lay the hemlock boards on the floor, and nail strips across them, leaving an opening of 8 inches between the boards. Turn the boards over, and with pencil marks divide them at every foot, and fasten the sections, narrower side up, strongly upon these boards in the order and manner shown in Nos. 6 and 7. It is better to fasten the mould (planks and sections) together with screws, as it will be easier to take apart when done with, thus enabling the wood in it to be used in the construction of the boat.

We will now commence on the boat proper. The work so far is only preparatory, it being necessary to have the mould to hold the planking of the boat in place until the braces and ribs can be put in. Take two half-inch pine boards 10-1/4 feet long, and nail one lightly on each side of the mould. With a fine gimlet bore a small hole through the board where it meets the angles formed by each section, as shown in No. 7 on mould. Take the board off again, and bending a thin moulding so that it passes through each gimlet hole, trace a pencil line around the outside of the moulding. After having done this with the four lines of holes, go over the pencil lines with a saw, and you have your side planks finished. Nail one of these on each side of the mould narrower ends to section No. 2, allowing the extra ends to project beyond 2, driving the nails in the holes made the first time, using as few nails as possible, and taking care that the upper edges of boards are on a level with the upper edges of the sections.

Select a nice piece of wood--oak, if possible--18 inches long, 6 inches wide by 3-3/4 inches thick, and make the horizontal stern-post (No. 9). The side and half-breadth plans are shown in the cut, but to get section through A B use section No. 1, body plan (Fig. 3) The rabbetting is half-inch deep, and is intended to receive the side, deck, and bottom planking.