Hey Rub-a-dub-dub: A Book of the Mystery and Wonder and Terror of Life

Chapter XI: Part 11

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Personally my quarrel is with America’s quarrel with original thought. It is so painful to me to see one after another of our alleged reformers tilting Don Quixote-like at the giant windmills of fact. We are to have no pictures which the puritan and the narrow, animated by an obsolete dogma, cannot approve of. We are to have no theaters, no motion pictures, no books, no public exhibitions of any kind, no speech even, which will in any way contravene his limited view of life. Finally we even contrived a President who was to have no more war! A few years ago it was the humble dealer in liquor whose life was anathematized and whose property was descended upon with torch, axe and bomb. A little later, our cities growing and the sections devoted to the worship of Venus becoming more manifest, the Vice Crusader was bred, and we now have the spectacle of whole areas of fallen women scattered to the four winds and allowed to practice separately what they cannot do collectively. Also came Mr. Comstock, vindictive, persistent, and with a nose and taste for the profane and erotic such as elsewhere has not been equaled since. Pictures, books, the theater, the dance, the studio--all came under his watchful eye. During the twenty or thirty years in which he acted as a United States Postoffice Inspector he was, because of his dull charging against things which he did not understand, never out of the white light of publicity which he so greatly craved. One month it would be a novel by d’Annunzio; another, a set of works by Balzac or de Maupassant, found in the shade of some grovelly bookseller’s shop; the humble photographer attempting a nude; the painter who allowed his reverence for Raphael to carry him too far; the poet who attempted a recrudescence of Don Juan in modern iambics, was immediately seized upon and hauled before an equally dull magistrate, there to be charged with his offense and to be fined accordingly. All this is being continued with emphasis.

Then came the day of the armed White Slave Chasers, and now no American city and no backwoods Four Corners, however humble, is complete without a vice commission of some kind, or at least a local agent or representative charged with the duty of keeping the art, the literature, the press and the private lives of all those at hand up to that standard of perfection which only the dull can set for themselves. When the White Slave question was at its whitest heat the problem of giving expression to its fundamental aspects was divided between raiding plays which attempted to show the character of the crime in too graphic a manner, and licensing those which appealed to the intelligence of those who were foremost in the crusade. Thus we had the spectacle of an uncensored, but nevertheless approved, ten-reel film showing more details of the crime and better methods of securing white slaves than any other production of the day, running undisturbed to packed houses all over the country; while two somewhat more dramatic but far less effective distributors of information via plays were successfully harried from city to city and finally withdrawn.

Shakespeare has been ordered from the schools in some of the States. A production of “Antony and Cleopatra” has been raided in Chicago. Japanese prints of a high art value, intended for the seclusion of a private collection, have been seized and the most valuable of them destroyed. By turns, an artistic fountain to Heine in New York, loan exhibits of paintings in Denver, Kansas City and elsewhere, scores of books by Stevenson, James Lane Allen, Frances H. Burnett, have been attacked, not only, as in the case of the latter, with the airy weapons of the law, but in the case of the former with actual axes. A male dancer of repute and some artistic ability has been raided publicly by the Vice Crusaders for his shameless exposure of his person! No play, no picture, no book, no public or private jubilation of any kind is complete any more without its vice attack.

To me this sort of thing is dull and bespeaks the low state to which our mental activities have fallen. When it comes to the matter of serious letters it is the worst. In New York a literary region of terror has been and is now being attempted. The publisher of Freud’s “Leonardo” is warned before he brings it out that he will be prosecuted--a work that probably has no more defect than that of being intelligent and true. Similarly, Mr. Przybyszewski’s “Homo Sapiens,” a by no means pornographic work, was at once seized on its appearance and the publishers frightened into withdrawing it. This was true of “Hagar Revelly,” “Tess of the d’Urbevilles,” “Sapho,” “Jude the Obscure,” “Rose of Dutchers Cooley,” “A Lady of Quality,” “A Summer in Arcady,” and scores of others. Imagine banning a book like “A Summer in Arcady” from the public libraries! Even “The Sexual Question” by the eminent August Forel has been banned and of course all of Kraft-Ebling (Freud and Ellis are sold only on the written order of a doctor--a mental prescription as it were). Think of it--the work of a scientist of Freud’s attainments!

This sort of interference with serious letters and science is to me the worst and most corrupting form of espionage which is conceivable to the human mind. It plumbs the depths of ignorance and intolerance; if not checked it can and will dam initiative and inspiration at the source. Life, if it is anything at all, is a thing to be observed, studied, interpreted. We cannot know too much about it because as yet we know nothing. It is our one great realm of discovery. The artist, if left to himself, may be safely trusted to observe, synchronize and articulate human knowledge in the most comprehensive form. Human nature will seek and have what it needs, the vice crusaders to the contrary notwithstanding. There is no compulsion on any one to read; one must pay to do so. What is more, one must have taste inherently to select, a brain and a heart to understand. With all these safeguards and a double score of capable critics in every land to praise or blame, what need really is there for a censor, or a dozen of them, each far less fitted than any of the working critics to indulge his personal predilection and opposition, and to appeal to the courts if he is disagreed with?

Personally I rise to protest. I look on this interference with serious art and thought and serious minds as an outrage. I fear for the ultimate intelligence of America, which in all conscience, judged by world standards, is low enough. Now comes a band of wasp-like censors to put the finishing touches on a literature and an art that has struggled all too feebly as it is. Poe, Hawthorne, Whitman and Thoreau, each in turn was the butt and jibe of unintelligent Americans, until by now we are well nigh the laughing-stock of the world. Where is it to end? When will we lay aside our swaddling-clothes, enforced on us by ignorant, impossible puritans and their uneducated followers, and stand up free-thinking men and women? Life is to be learned as much from books and art as from life itself--almost more so, in my judgment. Art is the stored honey of the human soul, gathered on wings of misery and travail. Shall the dull and the self-seeking and the self-advertising close this store on the groping human mind?

THE COURT OF PROGRESS

EDITORIAL NOTE: The following manuscript, recovered from one of the twenty-seven tombs of Federated Chairmen of the Post Federated Period of World Republics, A.D. 2760-3923, recently discovered in the debris centers of Exomia, Domas and Polos (Central Asia), plainly refers to some annual festival or period of congratulation which, according to the historian, Ruffstuff, who seems to have flourished toward the close of that period when the great Asiatic and American world floods (the shifting of the boundaries of the Pacific) ended the old order, was apparently held, first, at some point in Central South Africa; later in Middle Western North America, as the then continents were called. The author or dramatist, Theobromo, plainly of some period later than that of the Post Federated, when literature of all sorts, owing to the religious viewpoint of the Federation, was non-existent, was plainly familiar with records of this great court or festival, now non-existent. (See mention in closing paragraph of Moline-Emporia-Sedalia sittings, points or places which have not as yet been identified.) The translator, Can. Theodore Dreiser, of Cambo, North Dromio, begs to explain that owing to the peculiar difficulties of the language then used the exact rendition of certain phrases and passages is not guaranteed.

CHARACTERS

NOXUS PODUNKUS: _Grand Referendunce Chairman of the Federated
Musnud of the World_.

SHISHMASH HASH HASH: _Master of Ceremonies to the Court of
Progress_.

{ _Savants_ }
{ _Moonshees_ }
{ _Roctor-Proctors_ }
Of { _Pundits_ } One hundred
{ _Theorists_ }
{ _Seers_ }
{ _Zadkiels_ }
{ _Oracles_ }
{ _Solons_ }
{ _Nestors_ }
{ _Gamaliels_ }
{ _Daniels_ }

{ _Dizzards_ _50_
{ _Zanys_ _100_
{ _Fuddys_ _100_
Of { _Hoddy-Doddys_ _100_
{ _Loobies_ _1000_
{ _Gaberlunzies_ _1000_
{ _Nizys_ _5000_

{ _Anti-Vivisectionists_ }
{ _Anti-Vaccinationists_ }
{ _Anti-Contraceptionists_ }
{ _Anti-Saloon Leaguers_ }
{ _Anti-Vice Crusaders_ }
{ _Anti-Lewd Book Examiners_ }
{ _Eugenic Sires_ }
{ _Free and Accepted Boy Scouts_ }
{ _Professors of Christian Economy_ }
{ _Feminists_ }
Of Descendant { _Moral Prophylaxers_ }
Sons and { _Non-Smokers’ Social Unionists_ } 50,000
Daughters { _Seventh Day Adventists_ }
of Ancient { _Sabbath Day Exclusivists_ }
and Honorable { _Holy Rollers_ }
{ _Evangelists_ }
{ _King’s Daughters_ }
{ _Women Magazine Editors_ }
{ _Library Protection Association Guards_ }
{ _Watch and Ward Society Guards_ }
{ _Prohibitionists_ }
{ _Federated Philosophers_ }
{ _Union Astronomers_ }
{ _Socialists_ }
{ _Gamblers_ }
{ _Saloon-keepers_ }
{ _Bartenders_ }
{ _Financiers_ }
{ _Thieves_ }
{ _Vivisectionists_ }
{ _Vaccinationists_ }
{ _Philosophers_ }
{ _Politicians_ }
{ _Astronomers_ }
{ _Magdalens_ }
{ _Madams_ }
{ _Novelists_ }
{ _Playwrights_ }
Of plaster { _Scenario Writers_ }
or Ossified { _Musicians_ }
Specimens { _Painters_ } One Each
of Ancient { _Poets_ }
and Degraded { _Cigarette Fiends_ }
{ _Dope Fiends_ }
{ _Sabbath Day Breakers_ }
{ _Pragmatists_ }
{ _Predatory Rich_ }
{ _Anarchists_ }
{ _White Slavers_ }
{ _Nietzscheans_ }
{ _Scientists_ }
{ _Chemists_ }
{ _Physicists_ }
{ _Stoics_ }
{ _Liars_ }
{ _Dogs_ }
{ _Scoundrels_ }

THE COURT OF PROGRESS

SCENE: _A great plain, filled with a vast multitude of people.
Tents, pagodas, pavilions, booths, kiosks, scattered over a wide
area and alive with a swarming mass. Overhead innumerable flags,
banners, shields, emblems and insignia of all kinds, as well as a
welter of decoration and bunting, all symbolic of peace,
prosperity and progress. Innumerable alleyways and passages suggest
a maze. In the center, behind a great open square or drill-ground,
an enormous pink-and-green pavilion of silk, fluttering innumerable
pinions and streamers of the most variegated hues. In the extreme
west of this (center) and facing east (to suggest open-mindedness
and a spirit of receptivity and progress) a giant Musnud or throne
of dried mush, straw and the polished grains of the oyster plant,
each with its spiritual, ethical and social significance. This same
is richly carved and tinted to represent the dawn, while at the
top, by a process of higher coloring, the floridity, variety and
fecundity of tropic life, signifying fullness of development, is
suggested. Over this a canopy of dried morning-glory vines stained
to represent the pink glow of dawn and strung with innumerable
papier-maché flowers representative of the bursting blooms of
perfection. Beneath, a large assortment of pillows, rugs,
bed-ticks, mats, cushions, hassocks and the like, tinted to suggest
the variety, fecundity, beneficence and generosity of Nature. On
these rest the one hundred Moonshees, Savants, Pundits,
Roctor-Proctors, Theorists, Seers, Zadkiels, Oracles, Solons,
Nestors and profound Daniels and Gamaliels, members of the High
Court of Progress of the Federated Republics of the World for the
years 3913-3923, and representing in themselves the world’s
farthest intellectual reaches as well as its peace, progress,
perfection and plenty._

_On their heads tall cornucopias of green-and-yellow tinfoil,
fluttering with ribbons. On their bodies flowing silk robes of
green decorated with red, yellow and blue astrologic designs, each
of special ethical, social and spiritual significance. In the
center of this company, his body clad in yellow, green and blue
cheesecloth, his head surmounted by a tall blue cornucopia
(signifying peace and plenty), and resting on an immense stack of
eiderdown pillows_, NOXUS PODUNKUS, _Grand Referendunce Chairman of
the Federated Republics of the World and President pro tem of the
Court of Progress of the same. He is very fat and restful. Behind
and among them, fifty Dizzards in sky-blue fleshings, jackets of
yellow, and pink coal-scuttle helmets, who keep watch and ward by
whistling between their teeth and laying about them with
feather-stuffed clubs whenever the attention of the Moonshees is
desired. Among the audience, one hundred thousand already admitted
and in their seats, five thousand Nizys in pink fleshings and
striped blue-and-green shawls, each carrying a tin wash-boiler full
of orange and lemon souffle and doling out the same in ice-cream
cones to all who signal. The latter are hung around their waists in
long strings._

_Before the Musnud one hundred Hoddy-Doddys, Ticklers Extraordinary
to the Savants, Zadkiels, etc. These are arrayed in green fleshings
and yellow silk overcoats, and carry yellow feather-dusters
attached to long blue bamboo stalks. They assist the Dizzards in
keeping the Moonshees awake. About the Hoddy-Doddys, ranged in a
semi-circle, one hundred Zanys, Official Wing-Bag Rattlers to the
Musnud. These same wear orange-and-green sweaters and running pants
of black and orange, plus long-visored caps of green, and carry
pear-shaped wind-bags containing dried watermelon seeds, the
ethical symbol of receptivity, which they rattle whenever the
attention of the audience is desired. Between the Hoddy-Doddys and
the Musnud, and at the immediate base of the same, one hundred
Fuddys, Wireless Telegraph Operators Extraordinary to the Court, in
green silk uniforms and plug hats, who are busy sending out
preliminary notices to the world of the assembling of the Court of
Progress. Beyond the Zanys in the aisles and semi-circular passages
between the seats, one thousand Loobies and one thousand
Gaberlunzies, Official First and Second Readers to the Court, the
First arrayed in blue-and-white, the Second in green-and-white
polka-dot gowns and mortar-boards, and each carrying about his
waist a chain to which is attached all the then permitted classics
of the pre-Federated Period (A. D. 1897-1927)--Hamilton Wright
Mabie, Orrison Swett Marden, Harold Bell Wright, Gene Stratton
Porter, Ralph Waldo Trine and others--from which at all moments of
undue excitement it is their duty to read soothing passages in
unison._

_Outside the principal entrance to the pavilion, on the Grand
Concourse, separate companies or regiments of Descendant Sons and
Daughters of Ancient and Honorable Anti-Vivisectionists,
Anti-Vaccinationists, Anti-Contraceptionists, Anti-Vice Crusaders,
Eugenic Sires, Feminists, Non-Smokers’ Social Unionists,
Anti-Saloon Leaguers, Free and Accepted Boy Scouts, Professors of
Christian Economy, Seventh Day Adventists, Sabbath Day
Exclusivists, Holy Rollers, King’s Daughters, Watch and Ward
Guards, Library Protection Association Guards, Union Astronomers,
Federated College Philosophers, Evangelists, etc., each practicing
their separate evolutions and class yells. A giant procession,
fifty thousand in number, soon to start and file before the
assembled Pundits and Zadkiels of the Court sitting on the Musnud
within, is intended to demonstrate to it and to the Universe at
large, via the assembled audience, the happy presence and
persistence and strength of the forces of light and order and
truth, as opposed to the quondom and now all but vanished remnants
of darkness prevailing in the world before the Federation of the
Commission-Governed Republics of the World. As the principal
function of the Court is to catechise its adherents and delegates
as to the reason for the faith that is in them, and to learn as to
the present progress of truth, mercy, justice, etc. via a series of
shrewd and now sacred questions (the Post Federated Tablets of the
Law) especially calculated to bring forth the facts and shame the
forces of darkness into silence, these same stand ready to answer
all such questions as to the certainty of the final perfection of
life and so to receive the approval of the Musnud and the assembled
populace._

_Some companies of these same are at present busy executing their
preliminary maneuvers, walking on their hands, turning hand-springs
and cart-wheels, whirling as dervishes and whistling and
cat-calling. Others ask and answer each other the sacred questions
of the Tablets; still others leap, run around in a ring, roll in
the dust and kick. Still others meditate head in hand or stare in
fixed absorption at Philosophers’ targets fixed on posts at
different points in the grounds. A general air of hope, sequacity,
peace, content, well-being, ease, and other forms of human
satisfaction, pervades each and every section of the field._

_Hauled about by varying groups of Descendant Sons and Daughters of
Free and Accepted Boy Scouts, Anti-Vivisectionists,
Anti-Vaccinationists, etc., all in attractive and unforgettable
raiment of cerise, purple, yellow and nile green, are the only
remaining specimens or images of now all but extinct Gamblers,
Saloon-Keepers, Financiers, Thieves, Vivisectionists,
Vaccinationists, Philosophers, Politicians, Magdalens and Predatory
Rich still in captivity or existence. It should be stated in
passing that all Liars, Thieves, Scoundrels, Lechers, Anarchists
and the like were finally exterminated during the all-memorable
Federated Presidency of Bonehead X, A. D. 3409-3427, just five
hundred years before. Saloons and all forms of illegal as well as
commercialized vice departed this earth some seven hundred years
before. The ladies of the Inner High Council of Descendant Sons and
Daughters of Ancient Thirty-second Degree Anti-Vivisectionists have
here (muzzled and chained) the only extant examples of a
Vivisectionist surgeon of the former cult of inhuman
experimentalists, captured in Greenland. The Federated Union of
Descendant Sons and Daughters of Ancient and Honorable
Vice-Crusaders of the World present in a drop-forged steel cage,
painted yellow, blue and green, the only living specimen of a
simon-pure Madam, recently captured in the outlying regions of
Borneo. In other portions of the field, caged and dressed to
represent now extinct types of Materialists, Scientists,
Philosophers, Chemists, Nietzscheans, Pragmatists, Stoics and so
forth, are one hundred volunteers of the East South African School
of Christian Histrionic Culture, freely giving their services for
this great occasion._

SHISHMASH HASH HASH

(_Grand Secretary-Treasurer of the Indo-African group of Commission-Governed Republics, now in federation with the rest of the world, and Master of Ceremonies to the Court of Progress. He is a tall man, in a suit of red-and-green pajamas, slightly rubberized and inflated. His ears are pierced and hung with blue earrings and his cheeks are adorned with yellow lambrequins three feet long. Temporarily he is entertaining himself just outside the stage entrance to the main tent by doing back somersaults, but at the sight of five thousand Descendant Sons and Daughters of Free and Accepted Boy Scouts, Watch and Ward, and Library Protection Guards in marching order approaching the main or stage entrance, he executes nine hand-springs, three bounds and one back somersault, landing in front of the Musnud. At sight of him the assembled multitude stirs and quivers and he-haws with delight. The associated Moonshees, Pundits, Roctor-Proctors and others stir slightly but continue to snore._ SHISHMASH HASH HASH, _executing a jig-step and tying his whiskers in a bow-knot_.) Your Referendunces! (_At this the fifty Dizzards directly in attendance on the assembled Moonshees of the Musnud, each over six feet tall and weighing exactly one hundred and twenty-seven pounds, stir the latter to wakefulness by whistling between their fingers and beating them with their feather-stuffed clubs._)

THE FIFTY DIZZARDS

Pfs-s-t!---- Pfs-s-t!---- Pfs-s-t! (_They lay about them mightily with their clubs._)

THE FIVE THOUSAND NIZYS

(_Bearers of orange and lemon souffle to the Court. Becoming greatly excited at sight of the platform Dizzards belaboring the Moonshees and beginning to jump up and down, at the same time ladling out cones of green and pink souffle._) Refresh yourselves, good people! Refresh yourselves! Ssh!--Sssssh!--Ssssssssh!

THE ONE HUNDRED HODDY-DODDYS

(_Shaking their long-handled feather-dusters and whirling about in a ring._) Awake, your Referendunces! Awake! Awake! (_They tickle the noses, ears, chins and necks of the Moonshees, Zadkiels, etc., who stir feebly but continue to snore._)

THE ONE HUNDRED ZANYS

(_Rattling their wind-bags and jigging in unison._) Attention! Attention, good audience! Attention! Their Grand Referendunces of the Federated Musnud of the World are about to be awakened! Attention! Attention! (_They rattle their wind-bags vigorously and roll their eyes from left to right and back nine times._)

THE TWO THOUSAND LOOBIES AND GABERLUNZIES

(_Roaming nervously to and fro, reading._) “At this moment, the sun sinking low in the West, the faint West wind stirring in the leaves, the pellucid rill tinkling gently--so, for a heart-beat, he saw her.” (_Each holds up a restful hand._)

SHISHMASH HASH HASH

(_Executing three steps to the left and four to the right and spinning on his right toe._) Your Referendunces! Most Worthy and Grand Referendunces! Is the High Court of Progress of the Federated Republics of the World now ready to receive the reports of the various battalions of Law, Order, Peace, Justice, Truth, etc., accredited to this Court? They await your Referendunces’ pleasure without. (_At this another herculean attempt is made to arouse the assembled judges of the Musnud. The fifty Dizzards who are in direct attendance on the Moonshees begin whistling between their teeth and striking them with their feather-clubs. The one hundred Hoddy-Doddys stir up the multitude in the front rows by dusting off their ears and noses with their long-poled feather-dusters. The one hundred Zanys rattle their wind-bags, and the two thousand Loobies and Gaberlunzies read intently and with vigor, each holding up a hand. The five thousand Nizys hurry here and there offering souffle to all._)

THE ONE HUNDRED MOONSHEES, ROCTOR-PROCTORS, ZADKIELS, ETC.

(_Stirring slightly and opening their eyes._) Souffle! Souffle! (_Great panniers of souffle are fed to them, and they relapse into slumber._)

THE FIFTY DIZZARDS

(_Seeing they have the Moonshees partially awake._) Your Referendunces! Most worthy Referendunces! The Secretary of the Honorable Court desires to know is it ready to receive the first division of the assembled Battalions of Knowledge now about to report as to the present state and progress of the world? (_A vast murmur of “Hee-haw!”--the 30th century expression of approval--passes over the assemblage._ SHISHMASH HASH HASH _executes four more hand-springs, lights gracefully on his back and slowly draws his toes up to his fingers, thus gradually assuming a standing position, and bows. The fifty Dizzards whistle between their teeth and beat the Moonshees vigorously with their feather-clubs. The Zanys rattle their wind-bags lustily. Fifty of the one hundred Moonshees awake and call for more souffle. Five hundred tons are at once distributed to the audience, and quiet is restored._)

THE MOONSHEES, ROCTOR-PROCTORS, ZADKIELS, ETC.

(_Stirring feebly and pushing the feather-dusters out of their eyes. In chorus._) What is the question? What is the question? (_They sink back heavily on their pillows._ SHISHMASH HASH HASH _throws four fits and attempts to insert his left foot in his mouth, then stands at attention while four Dizzards, lifting aloft silk banners on which are pictures of keys of knowledge and open books, fall to the ground and get up again. The one hundred Hoddy-Doddys tickle the noses of the Moonshees frantically. The five thousand Nizys throw handfuls of souffle in the faces of the audience and spin on one foot. The two thousand Loobies and Gaberlunzies rear and plunge, murmuring “Shush! Shush!” then read._)

NOXUS PODUNKUS

(_Chief Presiding Referendunce of the Federated Court of Progress of the World. Sitting up, opening one eye and gazing about._) Indeed! You say, do you? Well, let them enter! (_He collapses again._)

SHISHMASH HASH HASH

(_Spinning away to the stage entrance, at which the representatives of the various forces of Progress are waiting in parade array._) Are you ready? Are you ready? (_A shout goes up. He lifts both hands, and pirouetting gracefully backward toward the Musnud is followed by the 1st, 316th, 3727th, 4728th, 6914th and 7178th Divisions of Descendant Sons and Daughters of Ancient and Honorable Free and Accepted Boy Scouts, Watch and Ward and Library Protection Association Guards, King’s Daughters, Sabbath Day Exclusivists, Seventh Day Adventists, and Holy Rollers in close formation. They are all in Empire Nicollet silk, striped with blue bombazine, ruched at neck and feet, and carry immense banners of green and yellow on which are pictured barred library doors, sealed books, bonfires of questionable or lewd books, and padlocked library safes. They are preceded by and interlarded with silver and gold harp bands in great numbers, as well as a small exhibition corps of Anti-Lewd Book Examiners, carefully examining lewd books after the manner of the years_ A. D. 1885-1921. _These last carry large red, yellow and green-blue pencils and wear horn glasses the size of saucers. They read, blush, and blue-pencil as they come. They are preceded by cage-cars containing [one each] Ossified Specimens of Ancient Lewd Novelist, Playwright and Poet. They pause and stand at attention before the Musnud, giving first an exhibition of lewd-book editing, then the Free and Accepted and Descendant yell, “Anti-Vice! Anti-Vice! Boy Scouts Forever!” after which they clog and whistle._)

NOXUS PODUNKUS

(_Scratching one ear and blinking his one open eye, the while the five thousand Nizys distribute souffle and the audience cheers vociferously._) Descendant Sons and Daughters of Ancient and Honorable Free and Accepted Boy Scouts, Watch and Ward Guards, King’s Daughters, Sabbath Day Adventists, Holy Rollers (_whispers to a Dizzard, “Did I get them all right?”_)--we have, as you know, as President and Referendunces of this great Court, founded so long ago by our worthy predecessor, Mush Mush I, a certain duty to perform, and that is the asking of our regular prepared and revered and revised Sacred Questions, the answers to which, given as we all know you will give them, constitute in themselves at once a record and a testimony to the wisdom, perfection, peace and plenty to which our vast Federated Republics and Peoples the world over have at last arrived. (_Great applause lasting one hour, during which transcripts of the proceedings and speech thus far are wirelessed by the Fuddys to all parts of the world._) Once, as you well know and as we are sorry to remember, there existed a certain amount of vice and crime in the world (_vast and prolonged boo-ing and cat-calling_)--less and less, we will admit, as the forces of righteousness and order such as we represent here to-day gained momentum (_a second burst of applause lasting one hour, during which this portion of the speech is wirelessed. The Zadkiels breathe heavily_), but plentiful enough--plentiful enough, I am glad to say--Souffle! Souffle! (_he sighs and is fed_)--as well as a tendency, disobedient in the extreme, to investigate and study and doubt everything, from stars to ant-hills, and even to make light of the revealed and divine facts of Nature, which as we all know are irrefutable and not to be questioned and to which our hearts are always and only our best guides. (_Enormous applause, lasting thirty minutes._) Fortunately for us now, however, and happily, and owing, as I may say, to the benign activities of those noble workers in the cause of righteousness, Mush Mush I, Bonehead V, and Dish Rag III, who flourished A. D. 1970-2061 in America and elsewhere, the virtues of sobriety, justice, truth, mercy, industry and the like were, as we all well know, firmly and finally established. (_Tremendous applause, lasting one hundred and eight minutes, during which seven hundred wash-boilers of souffle are consumed. Wireless messages are sent to all parts._) Thanks to them and their beneficent efforts, we do not attempt to investigate any more. (_Prolonged cheering._) We do not seek to reason any more. (_Immense cheering, lasting two hours._) Man, as you all well know, has seen the line of his duty and has followed it closely. (_More cat-calling._) With the greatest care we have been able to eliminate not only those besetting vices which scarred the face of man with their hideous thoughts, but also those equally great vices of curiosity and speculation in regard to chemistry, philosophy, physics, astronomy, sociology, political economy, those low and evil so-called sciences which once so disturbed and irritated and afflicted the human mind. (_A burst of applause, lasting forty-three minutes._) They have been done for, and instead we have strictly and sensibly confined ourselves, I am happy to state, to those more acceptable evidences of our place in Nature and our duties, as revealed by those renowned and profound teachers and thinkers, our noble and revered ancestors, Billy Sunday the Great, he of blessed memory (_applause, lasting one hour_)--Ralph Waldensicuss Trinecuss of Boston (_applause, lasting fifty minutes_)--Arise-and-Sweat Marden (_applause, lasting forty minutes_)--Erbert Goughman (_applause, lasting thirty minutes_)--Philip Dugmore Potts (_applause, lasting twenty minutes_)--and Edith Whiller Nox Nox (_applause, lasting ten minutes_)--revealers and thinkers all, the true forerunners and prophets of our present peaceful and happy state. (_Prolonged applause, enduring over seven-hundred minutes, during which_ NOXUS _and the Moonshees snore and the two thousand Loobies and Gaberlunzies read long and refreshing passages from the works of the individuals mentioned. The Fuddys sizz at their task._)

THE ONE HUNDRED HODDY-DODDYS

(_As the applause subsides, feathering the face of the Moonshees._) Awake, your Referendunces, awake! (_They pole-vault in front of the Musnud._)

THE FIFTY DIZZARDS

(_Whistling between their teeth and striking with their feather clubs._) Oh, your Very Great Referendunces! Oh! Come to! Come to! (_They chatter and clog._)

NOXUS PODUNKUS

(_Batting an eye and being lifted to a sitting position._) Ah, yes! Ah, yes! Let me see ... where was I? (_A Dizzard, prompted by a Fuddy, repeats his last sentence._) Ah, yes! As I was saying, these, our revered leaders, taught us. It is to them, their patient and enduring labors, their deep, even profound, cogitations as to life, that we all owe all that we enjoy and revere so deeply to-day--our peace, our freedom from disturbing thought, from the besetting vice of questioning or investigating. All we have to do now is ask and re-ask and affirm and re-affirm our Sacred Questions, so ably asked and answered so many centuries since by our noble forerunners, Bonehead V. and Dish Rag III. (_Separate and prolonged applause at each name, during which Podunkus again slumbers, is feathered and clubbed and lifted to a sitting position._) Ah, yes! Ah, yes! The Questions--the Questions. (_He fumbles weakly about, while seven Dizzards hand him seven engrossed and gold-plated copies of the regulation Sacred Questions as made and provided for all such occasions. He stares at one feebly and continues._) Ah yes! Now I have them! The Questions--the Questions, on which, as I was saying, are based, as on a rock, all our peace, security, freedom from thought; the very, indeed, pillows--I mean pillars--of our ease and comfort. The Sacred Questions! To be sure! Question One--let me see--Question One--Question One (_aside “Where is it?” A Dizzard points to it._)--Question One is most important, the very corner-stone, I might say, of our undisturbed security and ease in thoughtlessness. (_Examines it closely._) It reads--it reads--Ah yes!--Now I have it!--“Have you kept the faith?” That’s it. “Have you kept the faith?” To be sure! Have _we_ kept it, I might say? Almost the most sacred of all our Questions! Have _we_ kept the faith? (_He mumbles feebly on._) That’s it! Have _we_ kept the faith?

THE 1ST, 316TH, 3727TH, 4728TH, 6914TH, AND 7178TH (_Standing at attention and in unison._)

We have, we have!
We have, have, have!

(_They clog. Immense applause from the audience, lasting thirty minutes. The First and Second Readers read soothing passages._)

THE MOONSHEES, ROCTOR-PROCTORS, GAMALIELS, ZADKIELS

(_Turning on the other side and imbibing souffle._) Excellent! Excellent! Couldn’t be better! They have kept the faith! Most comforting. Ah!

NOXUS PODUNKUS

(_Reclining and imbibing souffle._) Charming! Charming! Most sweet of them! The dear, dear things! They would keep anything we asked them to! It is really too wonderful! (_He sighs._)

THE FEDERATED SPECTATORS

(_One hundred thousand strong._) Hey! Hey! Hey! Rah! Rah! Rah! Federated Republics forever! Long live the Court of Progress! (_The cheering continues for fifteen minutes._)

NOXUS PODUNKUS

(_When comparative silence is restored, and blinking his open eye._) Beautiful! Beautiful! It is as I thought! A wondrous scene! Now for Question Number--let me see (_eleven Dizzards point to the place_)--Ah, yes! To be sure! (_Reads._) Question Number Two--a wonderful question--a deep and subtly devised question--a question which, as I may say, has done as much as any of the others to persuade us to and keep us all in that happy and unquestioning frame of mind which, as we all know, we now so wisely seek to maintain--Souffle! Souffle! (_he imbibes_)--a question the like of which is not to be found in any other sacred code the world has ever known--and here, my dear fellow-Federationists (_he raises a hand_), and here is it: Question Two--Ah, yes! (_reads_) “Is it not true that all men are now honest, kind, true, moral, virtuous and wise?” (_He pauses for breath and looks benignly about._)

THE 1ST, 316TH, 3727TH, 4728TH, 6914TH, AND 7178TH

(_Jigging vigorously._)

They are! They are!
They rarr! rarr! rarr!

(_They walk on their hands._)

NOXUS PODUNKUS

Beautiful! Beautiful! Never have I heard such perfect teamwork! It is wonderful! Not so, my fellow Moonshees?

(_He turns._)

THE MOONSHEES, PUNDITS, ZADKIELS, ETC.

(_Turning over and snoring._) Excellent! Couldn’t be better! They do perfect work! (_They each catch a wink of sleep._)

NOXUS PODUNKUS

(_Aroused and scratching the back of his neck, the while he eyes them feelingly._) It is too delightful! That I should have lived to have the exalted honor of presiding on so wonderful an occasion! But now for Question Three, my dears--Question Three--another beautiful question (_he fumbles foolishly about seeking the tablet. Seventeen Dizzards point to it._)--Ah, yes! Ah, yes! Very difficult to manage all of these questions! But here it is!--And now for Question Three--a lovely question! A question lovely! I almost hate to read it and have it all over with! (_Reads._) “And that all women are as pure as driven snow?” (_Pauses and gazes about ecstatically, one hand up._)

THE 1ST, 316TH, 3727TH, 4728TH, 6914TH, AND 7178TH

(_Executing cart-wheels in circles._)

Aye! Aye! Aye! Aye! Aye! Aye!
’Tis as easy to say as Pie! Pie! Pie!

(_They end by waving with their feet._)

THE FEDERATED SPECTATORS

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
The world’s now safe for ever and a day!

(_An hour of unbroken applause follows._)

NOXUS PODUNKUS

(_As quiet is once more restored and he is dusted into semi-consciousness._) Quite so! Quite so! Forever and a day! Ah! And--and (_he looks about for his tablet and twenty-seven Dizzards hand him each a sacred plate._)--and that--let me see--Ah, yes!--Question Four! Question Four! Here it is! (_Reads._) “And that God is always on His Throne?” (_He collapses from exhaustion._)

THE 1ST, 316TH, 3727TH, 4728TH, 6914TH, AND 7178TH

(_Falling flat on their backs._)

He is! He is! It is so plain
Upon His Throne He doth remain!
By day or night, in dark or light,
We feel His presence shining bright!
All’s well with the world!

(_They roll to and fro in rows of one hundred each._)

THE ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND SPECTATORS

(_Uproariously._)

Hey! Hey! What a glorious day!
Hey! Hey! What a glorious day!

(_The cheering is resumed for fifteen minutes more, during which ten vanloads of souffle are distributed._)

NOXUS PODUNKUS

(_After order has been restored and surveying his associates of the Musnud sleepily._) Perfect! Perfect!--or nearly so! Beautiful! I never saw anything so well done! Never! Such order! Such union! But--let me see--I believe these are all the questions to be asked of these divisions, are they not? (_Looks about him helplessly and yet benignly. The fifty Dizzards all rush together and confer. The Hoddy-Doddys ditto. The Zanys ditto. The Loobies and Gaberlunzies bite their nails, then rush together and mumble. The Moonshees sit up and confer with_ PODUNKUS. _He proceeds._) Ah yes! As I was saying! Quite so! Quite so! Since, then, it is the opinion of the Associated Members of the Musnud that the report of the Descendant Sons and Daughters of Ancient and Honorable Free and Accepted Boy Scouts and Anti-(_he reads the entire roster_) seems to accord with the progress of the year as reported to us from all outlying sections of the Federation, and it is their wish that it be accepted and offered and engrossed in the records of the Musnud as a true picture of the state and progress of the world for this year of our Lord A. D. 3913, they will signify as much by saying “Aye,” contrary, “Nay.” The “Ayes” have it. The report of these excelling representatives is accepted and they are excused. (_He falls back and into a deep sleep. The Moonshees do likewise._)

THE ONE HUNDRED MOONSHEES

(_Weakly, in their sleep_). Souffle! Souffle!

THE ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND SPECTATORS

Hey! Hey! Hey! ’Tis a perfect day!
’Tis a perfect day! ’Tis a perfect day!
Hey! Hey! Hey! ’Tis a perfect day!

(_They cheer for one solid hour._)

THE 1ST, 316TH, 3727TH, 4728TH, 6914TH, AND 7178TH

(_Ricochetting and executing triple hand-springs, the while_ SHISHMASH HASH HASH _sidesteps and returns to the main stage entrance, left._)

What pleasure, oh! What pleasure, oh!
To know the world is perfect, so
That never now by day or night
Need any one feel fear or fright.

(_They zigzag gaily in ranks of one thousand and exit._)

SHISHMASH HASH HASH

(_At the stage entrance, surveying one hundred and fifty divisions of Descendant Sons and Daughters of Ancient and Honorable Moving Picture Censors, Sabbath Day Observance Leaguers, Baptist and Methodist Evangelists, and Non-Smokers’ Social Unionists, now ready and in marching order just outside the tent entrance. These have arranged themselves in battalions of two thousand each and are arrayed in snow-white frock coats, bright red silk hats, lavender pants or skirts, as the case may be, and carry bright brass drum-major batons. Numerous bands of Descendant and Amalgamated Sons and Daughters of Ancient and Honorable Anti-Saloon Leaguers and Billysundays are arrayed in pink-flowered business suits and silver-green capes, carrying hatchets and bearing aloft the portrait of their patron saint, Mrs. Carrie Nation, who flourished A. D. 1884-1913, playing on silver and tin horns, wind instruments, hewgags and jew’s harps. These are preceded by cage-cars containing one each of Ossified Specimens of Ancient Cigarette Fiend, Simon-pure American Bartender, Lewd Scenario Writer, Sabbath Day Breaker. The bands begin playing “All Hail the Peace Which Now Prevails!” As they enter, preceded by SHISHMASH HASH HASH with his head between his legs and walking on his hands to the Musnud, forty thousand members of the audience rise and stand on their heads. Another forty thousand sink to the floor between their seats and gasp. The five thousand Nizys pass swiftly among them administering souffle. The first and second readers read rapidly. SHISHMASH HASH HASH, landing on his feet as he reaches the Musnud and beginning to jig._) Will the High and Mighty Referendunces of the Federated Musnud of the World deign to notice these humble instruments of moral intercession here gathered from all parts of the world to testify at this great review to the blessings of peace, morality, fecundity and other social virtues? (_As he says this he executes nine flip-flaps, whereat the great assemblage bursts into thunders of applause. The fifty Dizzards on the Musnud leap on each other’s necks as they whistle between their teeth. The one hundred Zanys rattle their wind-bags furiously._ NOXUS PODUNKUS, _being simultaneously beaten by four stuffed clubs and tickled by four feather-dusters, while two Dizzards whistle in his ears, opens both eyes and looks blandly around._)

NOXUS PODUNKUS

(_With a fat, ingratiating smile, as the uproar continues._) Are we now beholding more divisions of the unconquerable forces of Truth, Virtue, Justice, Sobriety and Righteousness? Good! Good! (_He opens his mouth, which is immediately filled with souffle._)