Chapter II: Brevity (3)

(_a_) Point out the ambiguity. (_b_) This should come earlier in
the sentence, and not as a parenthesis. "I noticed a heap of
grain in the midst of them, guarded by ... Being continually ...,
to all appearance, useless: yet." (_c_) "theft."

76. "If this low view of the royal office becomes generally adopted, then sovereigns _who_ (8) have always hitherto commanded the respect of Englishmen will by degrees fall into disrespect."

Point out the ambiguity. Show how it might be removed (_a_) by
punctuation, (_b_) by altering "who."

77. "I struck the man in self-defence. I explained this to the magistrate. He would not believe me. Witnesses were called to support my statements. He committed me to prison. He had the right to do this. It is a right that is rarely exercised in such circumstances. I remonstrated."

See (44). Insert conjunctions or connecting adverbs.

78. "He attained a very distinguished position by mere (15) perseverance and common sense, which (52) (10 _a_) qualities are perhaps mostly underrated, (30) though he was deficient in tact and not remarkable for general ability."

79. "_Vindictiveness, which_ (_a_) (50) _is a fault_, (_b_) _and_ which may be defined as _anger_ (10 _a_) _which is caused_ not by sin nor by crime but by personal injury, ought to be carefully distinguished from _resentment, which_ (_a_) (50) _is a virtue_, (_b_) _and_ which is _anger_ (49) _which is natural and_ (_c_) _right_ caused by an act (_d_) which is unjust, because it is unjust, (30 _a_) not because it is inconvenient."

(_a_) "The fault of vindictiveness;" "the virtue of resentment."
(_b_) Omit _(c_) "Right" cannot be used as an adjective, but
"righteous" can. (_d_) "an act of injustice."

80. "(_a_) He told his friend that (_a_) _his_ brother was surprised that (_a_) _he_ had given so small a contribution, for (_a_) _he_ was (_b_) (12) _a very rich man_, in spite of (_a_) _his_ recent losses and the bad state of trade, (19) (30) compared with himself."

(_a_) Use (6). (_b_) What Asian king was proverbial for wealth?

81. "(_a_) (15 _b_) It must be indeed wrong to (_a_) _crucify_ a Roman citizen if to (_b_) (32) _slay_ one is almost parricide, to (_b_) _scourge_ him is a monstrous crime, and to (_b_) _bind_ him is an outrage."

(_a_) "What must it be...?"
(_b_) See (40).

82. "The _universal_ (54) _opinion of all the_ citizens was that the citadel _had been_ (15) _betrayed_, (30) having been captured in broad daylight by a very small number of the enemy, and those unprovided with scaling ladders, and admitted by a postern gate, (15 _a_) and much wearied by a long march."

In any case "betrayed" must come at the end of a sentence. The
sentence may be converted into two sentences: "The citadel had
been captured.... Naturally therefore ...;" or, "The opinion ...
for it had been captured...." Else, if one sentence be used,
write "As the citadel had been captured &c."

83. "This author surpassed all _those who were living_ (_a_) _at the same time with him_ in the _forcible_ (_b_) _manner in_ which he could _address_ (_c_) _an_ appeal to the popular sympathy, and in the ease with which he could _draw towards_ (_a_) _himself_ the hearts of his readers."

(_a_) Express in one word. (_b_) "force with." (_c_) Omit.

84. "This great statesman was indeed a pillar of commerce, and a star in the financial world. He guided or impelled the people from the quicksands of Protection and false political economy to the safe harbour of Free Trade; and (_a_) (14 _a_) saved the country several millions."

(_a_) It would be well to literalize the preceding metaphors.
Else the literal statement must be changed into a metaphor.

85. "The ministers were most unwilling to meet the Houses, (_a_) (43) (51) _because_ even the boldest of them (though their counsels were _lawless_ (15) _and desperate_) had too much value for his (_b_) (11) _personal safety_ to think of resorting to the (_c_) (12) unlawful modes of extortion that had been familiar to the preceding age."

(_a_) Begin a new sentence with "Lawless and desperate though
their counsels had been &c." (_b_) "neck." (_c_) Insert some of
these unlawful modes, "benevolences, ship-money, and the other
&c."

86. "_We will not_ (_a_) (15) _pretend to guess what_ our grandchildren may think of the character of Lord Byron, as exhibited _in_ (15 _a_) _his poetry_." No writer ever had the whole eloquence of scorn, misanthropy, _and_ (_a_) (15) _despair_ (15 _a_) _so completely at his command_. That _fountain_ (_b_) (12) _of bitterness_ was never dry."

(_a_) "We will not pretend to guess" and "despair" are intended
by the author to be emphatic. (_b_) "Marah."

87. "The captain asked to be allowed fifty men, a supply of food, and one hundred and fifty breech-loaders. (44) The general replied coldly that he could not let his subordinate have (_a_) (4) _anything_ that he wanted. (44) The captain was forced to set out (34) with an insufficient force, spite of the superabundance of soldiers doing nothing in the camp (34), and with every obstacle put in his way by a general who from the first had resolved not even to give him ordinary assistance, (_b_) (10 _a'_) _which_ the captain had for some time anticipated."

(_a_) Point out and remove the ambiguity. (_b_) Write, according
to the meaning, " ... assistance that" or " ... a resolution
that."

88. "I am a practical man, and disbelieve in everything (8) _which_ is not practical; theories (_a_) _which_ amuse philosophers and pedants have no attractions for me, (30) _for this reason_."

(_a_) What difference in the meaning would be caused by the use
of "that" for the second "which"?

89. "Yet, when that discovery drew no other severity but the (11 _a_) _turning_ (_a_) _him out of office_, and _the_ (11 _a_) _passing a sentence_ (_b_) _condemning him to die for it_ (31) (which was presently pardoned, and he was after a short confinement restored to his liberty), all men _believed_ that the king knew of the letter, (_c_) (43) and that (6 _b_) the pretended confession of the secretary was only collusion to lay the jealousies of the king's (_d_) (11 _a_) _favouring_ popery, (_e_) (43) which still hung upon him, (30) notwithstanding his (_e_) _writing_ on the Revelation, and his (_e_) _affecting_ to enter on all occasions into controversy, (_e_) asserting in particular that the Pope was Antichrist."

(_a_) "expulsion from." (_b_) "a pretended sentence to death--a
pretence that was soon manifested by his pardon and liberation."
(_c_) Begin a new sentence: "'The secretary's pretended
confession,' it was said, 'was &c.'" (_d_) "the suspicion that
the king favoured Popery." (_e_) The juxtaposition of the two
verbal nouns, "writing" and "affecting," with the participle
"asserting," is harsh. Write, "For, notwithstanding that he
affected controversy, and attacked the Pope as Antichrist in his
treatise on the Book of Revelation, the king was still
suspected."

90. "The opinion that the sun is fixed was once too (_a_) (1) _universal_ to be easily shaken, and a similar prejudice has often (_b_) _rendered_ the progress of new inventions (15 _a_) _very slow_, (19) arising from the numbers of the believers, and not (36) the reasonableness of the belief."

(_a_) Write "general." Show the absurdity of appending "too" to
"universal." (_b_) What single word can be substituted for
"rendered slow"?

91. "The rest of the generals were willing to surrender unconditionally, (30) _depressed by this unforeseen calamity_; (4) _only_ the young colonel, who retained his presence of mind, represented to them that they were increasing the difficulties of a position in itself very difficult (19) (15, _a_) _by their conduct_."

92. "To (_a_) (31) _an author who_ is, in his expression of any sentiment, wavering between _the_ (_b_) _demands of_ perspicuity and energy (of which _the_ (_c_) (40 _a_) _former of course_ requires the first care, lest (40 _a_) he should fail of both), and (37) doubting whether the (_d_) phrase _which_ (8) _has_ (_e_) _the_ most force and brevity will be (_f_) readily _taken_ (_g_) _in, it may_ (_h_) (3) _be recommended to use_ both (_d_) expressions; first, (_h_) _to expound_ the sense sufficiently to be clearly understood, and then (_i_) _to_ contract it into the most compendious and striking form."

(_a_) Write "When an author &c." (_b_) Can be omitted. (_c_)
Assimilate the constructions: "Of which the former must, of
course, be aimed at first, lest both be missed." (_d_) Use
"expression" or else "phrase" in _both_ places. (_e_) Assimilate
the construction to what follows; write "that is most forcible
and brief." (_f_) Insert "also." (_g_) "understood." (_h_) "let
him use ...; first let him expound." (_i_) Omit.

93. "When I say 'a great man,' I _not_ (22) _only_ mean a man intellectually great but also morally, (38) _who_ (8) has no preference for diplomacy (_a_) (23) _at all events which_ (10 _a_) _is_ mean, petty, and underhanded to secure ends _which_ (8) can be secured by an honest policy _equally_ (20) _well_, (38) _who_ (8) does not resemble Polonius, (_b_) who prefers to get at truth by untruthful tricks, and (_b_) who considers truth a carp _which_ (10 _g_) _is_ to be caught by the bait falsehood. We cannot call a petty intriguer great (_c_), (30) though we may be forced to call an unscrupulous _man by that_ (15 _a_) _name_."

(_a_) "at all events no preference." (_b_) Why is _who_ right
here? If you like, you can write, "does not, like Polonius,
prefer ... and consider." (_c_) End with "we cannot give the name
to a petty intriguer."

94. "I regret that I have some (_a_) (3) _intelligence which_ (10 _a_) _is of a most_ (3) _painful nature_, and which I must tell you at once, though (_b_) _I should like to defer it_ on (_c_) (40 _a_) account of your ill-health, and _because_ (_c_) (40 _a_) _you have already had_ many troubles, and (40 _a_) _owing to_ the natural dislike _which_ (8) a friend must always feel to say _that_ (10 _f_) _which_ is unpleasant. Many old friends in this district have turned against you: I scarcely like to write the words: _only_ (21) I remain faithful to you, and I am sure you will believe that I am doing _that_ (10 _f_) _which_ is best for your interests."

(_a_) "news." (_b_) In a letter these words should remain is they
are; but if a _period_ is desired, they must (30) come last,
after "unpleasant." (_c_) Write "because of your ill-health ...
and the troubles ... and because of...."

95. "The general at once sent back word that the enemy had suddenly appeared on the other side of the river, and [(35) or (37)] then (_a_) retreated. (_b_) _It_ was thought that (_b_) _it_ would have shown more (_c_) (1) _fortitude_ on his (3) _part_ if he had attacked the fortifications, (_d_) _which_ were not tenable for more than a week at all events. Such was the (54) _universal_ opinion, _at_ (23) _least, of_ (54) _all_ the soldiers."

(_a_) Point out the ambiguity. (_b_) "It was thought he would
have shown &c." (_c_) Distinguish between "fortitude" and
"bravery." (_d_) What would be the meaning if "that" were
substituted for "which"? It will be perhaps better to substitute
for "which," "since they."

96. "A notion has sprung up that the Premier, though he can legislate, cannot govern, and has attained an influence which renders it imperative, if this Ministry is to go on, that (_a_) _it_ should be dispersed."

(_a_) Who or what "has attained"? Write "and this notion has
become so powerful that, unless it is dispersed...."

97. "Those who are _habitually silent_ (_a_) (3) _by disposition_ and morose are less liable to the fault of exaggerating than those who are _habitually_ (_a_) (3) _fond of talking_, and (40 _a_) _of_ (_a_) (3) _a pleasant disposition_."

(a) Each of these periphrases must be condensed into a single
adjective.

98. "This author, (_a_) (31) though he is not (_b_) _altogether_ (_c_) _guiltless of_ (_b_) _occasional_ (_c_) _faults_ of exaggeration, which are to be found as plentifully in his latest works as in _those which he_ (_d_) _published when he was beginning his career as an author_, yet, _notwithstanding these_ (_e_) _defects_, surpassed all _those who were living_ _at the_ (_f_) _same time with him_ in the _clear_ (_g_) _manner in_ which he could, as it were, see into the feelings of the people at large, and in the power--_a power that indeed could not be_ (_f_) _resisted_--with which he _drew_ (_f_) _toward himself_ the sympathy of _those who_ (_f_) _perused his works_." See (54).

(_a_) Convert the parenthesis into a separate sentence. (_b_) One
of these words is unnecessary. (_c_) One of these is unnecessary.
(_d_) Condense: "his earliest." (_e_) Omit these words as
unnecessary. (_f_) Express all this in one word. (_g_) "clearness
with."

99. "_Among the North_ (_a_) (23) _American Indians_ I had indeed heard of the perpetration of similar atrocities; but it seemed intolerable that such things should occur in a civilized land: and I rushed from the room at once, leaving the wretch where he stood, with his tale half told, (30) _horror-stricken at his crime_."

(_a_) Make it evident whether the speaker once _lived_ among the
North American Indians, or not, and show who is
"horror-stricken."

100. "His (1) _bravery_ under this painful operation and the (1) _fortitude_ he had shown in heading the last charge in the recent action, (30) _though he was_ wounded at the time and had been unable to use his right arm, and was the only officer left in his regiment, out of twenty who were alive the day before, (19) inspired every one with admiration."

Begin, "Out of twenty officers &c.... Though wounded &c.... he
had headed." "The bravery he had then shown and...."

101. "_Moral_ as well as (41) _other_ considerations must have weight when we are selecting an officer (_a_) _that_ (10 _b_) _will be placed in_ a position that will task his intelligence (_b_) (18) _and his fidelity_."

(_a_) The repetition of "that" is objectionable. Use "to fill."
(_b_) "and" can be replaced by some other conjunction to suit
what precedes.

102. "It happened that at this time there were a few Radicals in the House _who_ (8) could not forgive the Prime Minister for being a Christian."

Point out the difference of meaning, according as we read "who"
or "that."

103. "_It cannot be doubted_ (15 _b_) _that_ the minds of a vast number of men would be left poor shrunken things, full of melancholy and indisposition, and unpleasing to themselves, if (32) there were taken out of men's minds vain opinions, false valuations, imaginations as one (_a_) would, and _the_ (15 _a_) _like_."

(_a_) The meaning (which cannot easily be more tersely expressed
than in the original) is "castles in the air," "pleasant
fancies."

104. "God never wrought a miracle to refute atheism, because His ordinary works refute it. (_a_) A little philosophy inclines man's mind to atheism: depth in philosophy brings men's minds back to religion. (44) While the mind of man looks upon second causes scattered, it may sometimes rest in them; (44) when it beholds the chain of them confederate and linked together, it must needs acknowledge a Providence. (44) That school which is most accused of atheism most clearly demonstrates the truth of religion."

(_a_) Insert a suspensive conjunction. See (34).

105. "The spirit of Liberty and the spirit of Nationality were once for all dead; (_a_) (5) _it_ might be for a time a pious duty, but it could not continue always _expedient or_ (_c_) (15) (18) _profitable to_ (_b_) (13) _mourn_ (_c_) (15 _a_) _for their loss_. Yet this is the (_b_) (13) _feeling_ of the age of Trajan."

(_a_) Omit. (_b_) "To sit weeping by their grave;" "attitude."
(_c_) Notice that "expedient or profitable" are emphatic, as is
shown by "yet" in the next sentence. Make it evident therefore,
by their position, that these words are more emphatic than "to
mourn &c."

106. "(_a_) _If we ask_ (15 _b_) what was the nature of the force by which this change was effected, (_a_) _we find it to have been_ (_b_) the force that had seemed almost dead for many generations--(38) of theology."

(_a_) Omit these words. (_b_) Begin a new sentence: "It was a
force &c."

107. "I remember Longinus highly recommends a description of a storm by Homer, because (_a_) (5) (_c_) _he_ has not amused himself with little fancies upon the occasion, as authors of an inferior genius, whom he mentions, (_b_) (15 _a_) have done, (30) _but_ (_c_) _because_ he has gathered together those (_d_) (1) _events_ which are the most apt to terrify the imagination, and (35) really happen in the raging of a tempest."

(_a_) "The poet." (_b_) Omit "have done" and write "like some
authors." (_c_) Suspend the sentence by writing "the poet ...
instead of ... has." (_d_) What is the word for "that which
happens _around_ one, or in connection with some central object?"

108. "To have passed (_a_) (3) _in a self-satisfied manner_ through twenty years of office, letting things take their own course; to have (_b_) _sailed_ with consummate sagacity, never against the tide of popular (_c_) _judgement_; to have left on record as the sole title to distinction among English ministers a peculiar art of (_d_) _sporting with_ the heavy, the awful responsibility of a nation's destiny with the jaunty grace of a juggler (11) (_e_) _playing with_ his golden ball; to have joked and intrigued, and bribed and (_f_) _deceived_, with the result of having done nothing (_g_), (_h_) _either_ for the poor, (_h_) _or_ for religion (for (_i_) which indeed he did worse than nothing), (_h_) _or_ for art and science, (_h_) _or_ for the honour or concord or even the financial prosperity of the nation, (38) is surely a miserable basis on which the reputation of a great (15) statesman _can be_ (_k_) (15 _a_) _founded_."

(_a_) "complacently." (_b_) "Sail" implies will and effort: use a
word peculiar to a helpless ship, so as to contrast paradoxically
with "sagacity." (_c_) Use a word implying less thought and
deliberation. (_d_) _With_ is too often repeated; write "bearing"
so as to introduce the illustration abruptly. (_e_) "tossing."
(_f_) Use a word implying a particular kind of "deceit," not
"lying," but the next thing to "lying." (_g_) Insert the word
with a preceding and intensifying adverb, "absolutely nothing."
(_h_) Instead of "either," "or," repeat "nothing." (_i_) The
parenthesis breaks the rhythm. Write "nothing, or worse than
nothing." (_k_) "to found."

109. "A glance at the clock will make you (1) _conscious_ that it is nearly three in the morning, and I therefore ask you, gentlemen, instead of wasting more time, to put this question to yourselves, 'Are we, or are we not, here, for the purpose of (1) _eliminating_ the truth?'"

110. "The speech of the Right Honourable member, so far from _unravelling_ (14) _the obscurities of this knotty question_, is eminently calculated to mislead his supporters (_a_) (8 _a_) _who_ have not made a special study of it. It may be (_b_) (23) _almost_ asserted of every statement (8) _which_ he has made that the very (1) _converse_ is the fact."

(_a_) The meaning appears to be, not "_all_ his supporters," but
"_those of_ his supporters who:" the convenience of writing "his
supporters _that_" is so great that I should be disposed to use
"that." (_b_) "Every," not "asserted," requires the juxtaposition
of "almost."

111. "The provisions of the treaty _which_ (8) require the consent of the Parliament of Canada await its assembling."

Point out the meaning conveyed by _which_, and by _that_.

112. "Mrs. Smith demonstrated (26), in opposition to the general dictum of the press, that (_a_) _there had been_ a reaction against woman's suffrage, that there had really been a gain of one vote in the House of Commons."

(_a_) Substitute "instead of," and erase the second "that."

113. "The practice of smoking hangs like a gigantic (14 _a_) cloud of evil over the country."

FOOTNOTES:

[18] That which treats of the thirteenth century.

CONTINUOUS EXERCISES.

CLEARNESS.

The following exercises consist of extracts from Burnet, Butler, and Clarendon, modernized and altered with a view to remove obscurity and ambiguity. The modernized version will necessarily be inferior to the original in unity of style, and in some other respects. The charm of the author's individuality, and the pleasant ring of the old-fashioned English, are lost. It is highly necessary that the student should recognize this, and should bear in mind that the sole object is to show how the meaning in each case might have been more _clearly_ expressed.

Occasionally expressions have been altered, not as being in themselves obscure or objectionable, but as indicating a habit of which beginners should beware. For example, in the extract from Burnet, _he_ is often altered, not because, in the particular context, the pronoun presents any obscurity, but because Burnet's habit of repeating _he_ is faulty.

These exercises can be used in two ways. The pupil may either have his book open and be questioned on the reasons for each alteration, or, after studying the two versions, he may have the original version dictated to him, and then he may reproduce the parallel version, or something like it, on paper.

LORD CLARENDON.

The principal faults in this style are, long heterogeneous sentences (43), use of phrases for words (47 _a_), ambiguous use of pronouns (5), excessive separation of words grammatically connected together (19).

ORIGINAL VERSION. PARALLEL VERSION.

(44) It will not be impertinent And now, in order to explain, as
nor _unnatural to this_ (50) far as possible, how so prodigious
_present discourse_, to set down an alteration could take place in
in this place the present temper so short a time, and how the[19]
and constitution of both Houses royal power could fall so low as
of Parliament, and (34) of the to be unable to support itself,
court itself, (30) that (5) _it_ its dignity, or its faithful
may be the less wondered at, that servants, it will be of use to set
so prodigious an alteration should down here, where it comes most
be made in so short a time, and naturally, some account of the[20]
(37) the crown fallen so low, that present temper and composition,
it could neither support itself not only of both Houses of
nor its own majesty, nor _those Parliament, but also of the court
who would_ (47 _a_) _appear itself.
faithful to it_.

* * * * * * * * * *

(Here follows a description of the House of Lords.)

In the House of Commons were many In the House of Commons
persons of wisdom and gravity, who there were many men of wisdom
(7) _being possessed_ of great and and judgment whose high
plentiful fortunes, though they position and great wealth disposed
were undevoted enough to the them, in spite of their indifference
court, (19) had all imaginable to the court, to feel
duty for the king, and affection a most loyal respect for the
to the government _established_(47 king, and a great affection for
_a_) _by law_ or ancient custom; the ancient constitutional
(43) and without doubt, the _major government of the country. Indeed,
part of that_ (54) _body_ it cannot be doubted that
consisted of men who had no mind the majority had no intention to
to break the peace of the kingdom, break the peace of the kingdom
or to make any considerable or to make any considerable
alteration in the government of alteration in Church or State.
Church or State: (43) and Consequently, from the very
therefore (18) _all_ inventions outset, it was necessary to resort
were set on _foot from the_ (15) to every conceivable device
_beginning_ to work upon (5) for the purpose of perverting
_them_, and (11) corrupt (5) this honest majority into rebellion.
_them_, (43) (45) by suggestions
"of the dangers (8) _which_ With some, the appeal was
threatened all that was precious addressed to their patriotism.
to the subject (19) in their They were warned "of the
liberty and their property, by dangers that threatened [all
_overthrowing_ (47 _a_) _or that was precious in] the liberty
overmastering_ the law, _and_ (47 and property of the subject,
_a_) _subjecting_ it to _an if the laws were to be made
arbitrary_ (47_a_) _power_, and by subservient to despotism, and
countenancing Popery to the if Popery was to be encouraged
subversion of the Protestant to the subversion of the Protestant
religion," and then, by religion."
infusing terrible apprehensions
into some, and so working upon The fears of others were appealed
their fears, (6 _b_) "of (11 _a_) to. "There was danger," so[21] it
being called in question for was said, "that they might be
somewhat they had done," by which called to account for something
(5) _they_ would stand in need of they had done, and they would then
(5) _their_ protection; and (43) stand in need of the help of those
(45) raising the hopes of others, who were now giving them this
"that, by _concurring_ (47 _a_) timely warning." In others, hopes
_with_ (5) _them_ (5) _they_ were excited, and offices,
should be sure to obtain offices honours, and preferments were held
and honours and any kind of out as the reward of adhesion.
preferment." Though there were too Too many were led away by one or
many corrupted and misled by these other of these temptations, and
several temptations, and (19) indeed some needed no other
others (40 _a_) who needed no temptation than their innate
other temptations than from the fierceness and barbarity and the
fierceness and barbarity _of malice they had contracted against
their_ (47 _a_) _own natures_, and the Church and the court. But the
the malice they had contracted leaders of the conspiracy were not
against the Church and against the many. The flock was large and
court; (43) yet the number was not submissive, but the shepherds were
great _of those in whom the very few.
government of the rest_ (47 _a_)
_was vested_, nor were there many
who had the absolute authority
(13) to lead, though there were a
multitude (13) that was disposed
to follow.

(44) (30) Mr. Pym was looked upon Of these, Mr. Pym was thought
as the man of greatest experience superior to all the rest in
in parliaments, _where he had_ parliamentary experience. To this
(50) _served very long_, and _was advantage he added habits of
always_ (50) _a man of business_, business acquired from his
(7) being an officer in the continuous service in the
Exchequer, (43) and of a good Exchequer. He had also a good
reputation generally, (30) though reputation generally; for, though
known to be inclined to the known to be inclined to the
Puritan party; yet not of those Puritan party, yet he was not so
furious resolutions against the fanatically set against the Church
Church as the other leading men as the other leaders. In this
were, and (44) wholly devoted to respect he resembled the Earl of
the Earl of Bedford, who had Bedford, to whom he was
nothing of that spirit. thoroughly devoted.

(Here follow descriptions of Hampden and Saint John.)

It was generally believed that These three persons, with the
these three persons, with the three peers mentioned before, were
other three lords mentioned united in the closest confidence,
before, were of the most intimate and formed the mainspring of the
and entire trust with each other, party. Such at least was the
and made _the engine which_ (47 general belief. But it was clear
_a_) _moved_ all the rest; (30) that they also admitted to their
yet it was visible, that (15) unreserved confidence two others,
_Nathaniel Fiennes, the second son (45) whom I will now
of the Lord Say, and Sir Harry describe,--Nathaniel Fiennes,
Vane, eldest son to the Secretary, second son of Lord Say, and Sir
and Treasurer of the House_, were Harry Vane, eldest son of the
received by them with full Secretary, and Treasurer of the
confidence and without reserve. House.

The former, being a man of good Nathaniel Fiennes, a man of good
parts of learning, and after some parts, was educated at New
years spent in New College in College, Oxford, where[22] his
Oxford, (43) of which his father family claimed and enjoyed some
had been formerly fellow, (43) privileges in virtue of their
that family pretending[23] and kindred to the founder, and
enjoying many privileges there, as where[22] his father had formerly
of kin to the founder, (43) (19) been a fellow. He afterwards spent
had spent his time abroad in some time in Geneva and in the
Geneva and amongst the cantons of cantons of Switzerland, where[22]
Switzerland, (30) where he he increased that natural
improved his disinclination to the antipathy to the Church which he
Church, with which milk he had had imbibed almost with his
been nursed. From his travels he mother's milk.[24] By a singular
returned through Scotland (52) coincidence, he came home through
(which[24] few travellers took in Scotland (not a very common route
their way home) at the time when for returning travellers) just
(5) _that_ rebellion was in bud: when the Scotch rebellion was in
(30) (43) (44) and was very little bud. For some time he was scarcely
known, except amongst (5) _that_ known beyond the narrow and
people, _which conversed_ (47 _a_) exclusive circle of his sect,
_wholly amongst themselves,_ until until at last he appeared in
he was now (15) _found in Parliament. Then, indeed, it was
Parliament_, (30) (43) (44) when quickly discovered that he was
it was quickly discovered that, likely to fulfil even the fond
as he was the darling of his hopes of his father and the high
father, so (5) _he_ was like to promise of many years.
make good whatsoever _he_ had
for many years promised.

(5) _The other_, Sir H. Vane, was Fiennes' coadjutor, Sir H. Vane,
a man of great natural parts[25] was a man of great natural
(45) and of very profound ability.[25] Quick in understanding
dissimulation, of a quick and impenetrable in dissembling,
conception, and of very ready, he could also speak with
sharp, and weighty expression. He promptness, point, and weight. His
had an (50) unusual aspect, which, singular appearance, though it
though it might naturally proceed might naturally proceed from his
from his father and mother, parents, who were not noted for
neither of which were beautiful their beauty, yet impressed men
persons, yet (19) made men think with the belief that he had in him
there was somewhat in him of something extraordinary, an
extraordinary: and (52) his whole impression that was confirmed by
life made good that imagination. the whole of his life. His
Within a very short time after he behaviour at Oxford, where he
returned from his studies in studied at Magdalen College, was
Magdalen College in Oxford, where, not characterized, in spite of the
(43) though he was under the care supervision of a very worthy
of a very worthy tutor, he lived tutor, by a severe morality. Soon
not with great exactness, (43) he after leaving Oxford he spent some
spent some little time in France, little time in France, and more in
and more in Geneva, and, (43) Geneva. After returning to
after his return into England, England, he conceived an intense
(38) contracted a full prejudice hatred not only against the
and bitterness against the Church, government of the Church, which
both against the form of the was disliked by many, but also
government and the Liturgy, (43) against the Liturgy, which was
which was generally in great held in great and general
reverence, (15 _a_) _even with reverence.
many of those who were not
friends_ to (5) _the other_. In Incurring or seeming to incur, by
his giddiness, which then much his giddiness, the displeasure of
displeased, or seemed to his father, who at that time,
displease, (30) (43) his father, beside strictly conforming to the
who still appeared highly Church himself, was very bitter
conformable, and exceedingly sharp against Nonconformists, the young
against those who were not, Vane left his home for New
(5) _he_ transported himself into England.
New England, (43) a colony within
few years before planted by a This colony had been planted a few
mixture of all religions,[26] which years before by men of all sorts of
disposed the professors to dislike religions, and their
the government of the Church; who differences[26] disposed them to
(30) (43) (44) were qualified by dislike the government of the
the king's charter to choose their Church. Now, it happened that their
own government and governors, privilege (accorded by the king's
under the obligation, "that every charter) of choosing their own
man should take the oaths of government and governors was
allegiance and supremacy;" (30) subject to this obligation, "that
(43) (5) _which_ all the first every man should take the oaths of
planters did, when they received allegiance and supremacy." These
their charter, before they oaths had been taken, not only by
transported themselves from hence, all the original planters, on
nor was there in many years after receiving their charter, before
the least scruple amongst them of leaving England, but also for many
complying with those obligations: years afterwards, without exciting
so far men were, _in the infancy_ the slightest scruple. Indeed,
(15) _of their schism_, from scruples against lawful oaths were
refusing to take lawful oaths. unknown[27] in the infancy of the
(45) He was no sooner landed English schism. But with the
there, but his parts made him arrival of Vane all this was
quickly taken notice of, (26) and changed. No sooner had he landed
very probably his quality, being than his ability, and perhaps to
the eldest son of a some extent his position, as eldest
Privy-councillor, might give him son of a Privy-councillor,
some advantage; _insomuch_ (51) recommended him to notice: and at
_that_, when the next season came the next election he was chosen
for the election of their Governor.
magistrates, he was chosen their
governor: (30) (45) (43) in which In his new post, his restless and
place he had so ill fortune (26) unquiet imagination found
(his working and unquiet fancy opportunity for creating and
raising and infusing a thousand diffusing a thousand conscientious
scruples of conscience, which (5) scruples that had not been brought
_they_ had not brought over with over, or ever even heard of, by the
them, nor heard of before) (19) colonists. His government proved a
that he unsatisfied with failure: and, mutually
them and they with him, dissatisfied, (45) governed and
he retransported himself governor parted. Vane returned
into England; (30) (43) (44) to England, but not till he had
having sowed such seed of accomplished his mischievous task,
dissension there, as grew up too not till he had sown the seeds of
prosperously, and miserably those miserable dissensions which
divided the poor colony into afterwards grew only too
several factions, and divisions prosperously, till they split the
and persecutions of each (15 _a_) wretched colony into distinct,
_other_, (30) (43) which still hostile, and mutually persecuting
continue _to the great_ (54) factions. His handiwork still
_prejudice of that plantation_: remains, and it is owing to (15)
insomuch as some of (5) _them_, _him_ that some of the colonists,
upon the ground of their first on the pretext of liberty of
expedition, liberty of conscience, conscience, the original cause of
have withdrawn themselves from (5) their emigration, have withdrawn
_their_ jurisdiction, and obtained themselves from the old colonial
other charters from the king, by jurisdiction and have obtained
which, (30) (43) in other forms of fresh charters from the king.
government, they have enlarged These men have established new
their plantations, within new forms of government, unduly
limits adjacent to (5) (15 _a_) enlarged their boundaries, and set
_the other_.their plantations, up rival settlements on the
within new limits adjacent to (5) borders of the original colony.
(15 _a_) _the other_.

FOOTNOTES:

[19] The original metaphor uses the crown as a prop, which seems a confusion. Though the metaphor is so common as scarcely to be regarded as a metaphor, it is better to avoid the appearance of confusion.

[20] We sometimes say, briefly but not perhaps idiomatically, "the _then_ sovereign," "the _then_ temper," &c.

[21] The personality of the tempters and organizers of the conspiracy is purposely kept in the background.

[22] The relative is retained in the first two cases, because it conveys the _reason why_ Fiennes was educated at New College; and in the third case, because the increased "antipathy" is regarded as the natural _consequence_ of the residence in Calvinistic Geneva.

[23] Claiming.

[24] An insinuation of sedition seems intended.

[25] This sentence is a preliminary summary of what follows.

[26] If "which" is used here according to Rule (8), the meaning is, (_a_) "and their differences;" if it is used for "that," the meaning will be, (_b_) "all religions that were of a nature to dispose &c." I believe (_a_) is the meaning; but I have found difference of opinion on the question.

[27] The following words appear to be emphatic, bringing out the difference between the _infancy_ and the development of schism.

BURNET.

The principal faults in Burnet's style are (_a_) the use of heterogeneous sentences (see 43); (_b_) the want of suspense (see 30); (_c_) the ambiguous use of pronouns (see 5); (_d_) the omission of connecting adverbs and conjunctions, and an excessive use of _and_ (see 44); and (_e_) an abruptness in passing from one topic to another (see 45). The correction of these faults necessarily lengthens the altered version.

ORIGINAL VERSION. PARALLEL VERSION.

And his maintaining the honour of He also gratified the English
the nation in all foreign feeling of self-respect by
countries gratified the (1) maintaining the honour of the
_vanity which is very natural_ nation in all foreign countries.
(50) _to Englishmen_; (30) (43) of So jealous was he on this point
which he was _so_ (15) (17 _a_) that, though he was not a crowned
_careful_ that, though he was not head, he yet secured for his
a crowned head, yet his (40 _a_) ambassadors all the respect that
ambassadors had all the respects had been paid to the ambassadors
paid them which our (15) _kings'_ of our kings. The king, he said,
ambassadors ever had: he said (6 received respect simply as the
_b_) the dignity of the crown nation's representative head,
was upon the account of the and, since the nation was the
nation, _of which the king was_ same, the same respect should
(50) _only the representative be paid to the[28] nation's
head_; so, the nation being the ministers.
same, he would have the same
regards paid to (41) his
ministers.

Another[29] instance of (5) _this_ The following instance of jealousy
pleased _him_ much. Blake with the for the national honour pleased
fleet _happened_ (50) _to be_ at him much. When Blake was at Malaga
Malaga before he made war upon with his fleet, before his war
Spain: (44) _and_ some of his with Spain, it happened that some
seamen went ashore, _and_ met the of his sailors going ashore and
Host carried about; (44) _and_ not meeting the procession of the
only paid no respect to it, but Host, not only paid no respect to
laughed at those who did; (43) it, but even laughed at those who
(30) (51) so one of the priests did. Incited by one of the priests
put the people upon resenting this to resent the indignity, the
indignity; _and_ they fell upon people fell on the scoffers and
(5) _them and_ beat them severely. beat them severely. On their
When they returned to their ship return to the ship the seamen
(5) _they_ complained of (5) complained of this ill-usage,
_this_ usage; and upon that Blake whereupon Blake sent a messenger
sent a trumpet to the viceroy to to the viceroy to demand the
demand the priest who was the priest who was the instigator of
chief (1) _instrument_ in that the outrage. The viceroy answered
ill-usage. The viceroy answered that he could not touch him, as he
_he_ had no authority over the had no authority over the priests.
(15) _priests_, and so could not To this Blake replied, that he did
dispose of him. Blake upon that not intend to inquire to whom the
sent him word that _he_ would not authority belonged, but, if the
inquire who had the (1) power to priest were not sent within three
send the priest to him, but if hours, he would burn the town. The
_he_ were not sent within three townspeople being in no condition
hours, _he_ would burn their town; to resist, the priest was at once
(43) and (5) _they_, being in no sent. On his arrival, he defended
condition to resist _him_, sent himself, alleging the insolence of
the priest to _him_, (43) (44) who the sailors. But the English (50)
justified himself upon the Admiral replied that a complaint
petulant behaviour of the seamen. should have been forwarded to him,
and then he would have punished
(44) Blake answered that, if (5) them severely, for none of his
_he_ had sent a complaint to (5) sailors should be allowed to
_him of_(5) _it_, (5) _he_ would affront the established religion
have punished them severely, since of any place where they touched.
(5) _he_ would not suffer _his_ "But," he added, "I take it ill
men to affront the established that you should set on your
religion of any place at which (5) countrymen to do my work; for I
_he_ touched; but (5) (6) _he_ will have all the world know that
took it ill, that _he_ set on the an Englishman is only to be
Spaniards to do (5) _it_; for _he_ punished, by an Englishman." Then,
would have all the world to know satisfied with having had the (50)
that an Englishman was only to be offender at his mercy, Blake
punished by an Englishman; (43) entertained him civilly and sent
(44) and so he treated the priest him back.
civilly, and sent him back (30),
being satisfied that he had him at
his mercy.

Cromwell was much delighted with Cromwell was much delighted with
(5) _this_, (43) and read the Blake's conduct. Reading the
letters in council with great letters in council with great
satisfaction; _and_ said he (6) satisfaction, he said, "I hope I
hoped he should make the name of shall make the name of an
an Englishman as great as ever Englishman as much respected as
that of a Roman (15 _a_) _had ever was the name of Roman."
been_. (44) The States of Holland Among other countries the States
were in such dread of (5) him that of Holland were in such dread of
they took care to give him no sort Cromwell that they took care to
of umbrage; (43) (44) _and_ when give him no sort of umbrage.
at any time the king or his Accordingly, whenever the king or
brothers came to see their sister his brothers came to see the
the Princess Royal, (23) within a Princess Royal their sister, they
day or two after, (5) _they_ used were always warned in a day or two
to send a deputation to let _them_ by a deputation that Cromwell had
know that Cromwell had required of required of the States to give
the States that (5) _they_ should them no harbourage.
give _them_ no harbour.

* * * * * * * * * *

Cromwell's favourite alliance was The free kingdom of Sweden was
Sweden.[30] (44) Carolus Gustavus Cromwell's favourite ally; not
and he lived in great conjunction only under Charles Gustavus, with
of counsels. (44) Even Algernon whom he was on most confidential
Sydney, (10 _a_) _who_ was not terms, but also under Christina.
inclined to think or speak well of Both these sovereigns had just
kings, commended _him_ (5) to me; notions of public liberty; at
and said _he_ (5) had just least, Algernon Sydney, a man
notions of public liberty; (44) certainly not prejudiced in favour
(43) _and_ added, that Queen of royalty, assured me this was
Christina seemed to have _them_ true of Gustavus. He also held the
likewise. But (44) she was same opinion of Queen Christina;
much changed from that, when but, if so, she was much changed
I waited on her at Rome; for when I waited on her at Rome; for
she complained of us as a factious she then complained of the factious
nation, _that did not readily and unruly spirit of our nation.
comply with the commands_ (47 _a_)
_of our princes_. (44) All Italy All Italy, no less than
trembled at the name of Cromwell, Holland,[31] trembled at the name
and seemed under a (1) _panic_ as of Cromwell, and dreaded him till
long as he lived; (43) his fleet he died. Nor durst the Turks
scoured the Mediterranean; and the offend the great (50) Protector
Turks durst not offend him; but whose fleet scoured the
delivered up Hyde, who kept up the Mediterranean; and they even gave
character of an ambassador from up Hyde, who, for keeping up in
the king there (23) (43), and was Turkey the character of ambassador
brought over and executed for (5) from the king, was brought to
_it_. England and executed.

(44) (11 _a_) The _putting_ the In another instance of severity
brother of the king of Portugal's towards foreigners--the execution
ambassador to death for murder, of the brother of the Portuguese
was (11 _a_) _carrying_ justice ambassador for murder--Cromwell
very far; (43) since, though in carried justice very far. For,
the strictness of the law of though in strictness the law of
nations, it is only the nations exempts from foreign
ambassador's own person that is jurisdiction the ambassador alone,
exempted from (4) _any authority_ yet in practice the exemption has
(47 _a_) _but his master's that extended to the whole of the
sends him_, yet the practice has ambassador's suite.
gone in favour of _all that the
ambassador owned_ (47 _a_) _to Successful abroad, Cromwell was no
belong to him_. (41) (44) Cromwell less successful at home in
showed his good (11) selecting able and worthy men for
_understanding_ in nothing more public duties, especially for the
than in seeking[32] out capable courts of law. In nothing did he
and worthy men for all employments, show more clearly his great
but most particularly for the natural insight, and nothing
courts of law, (43) (30 _a_) contributed more to his popularity.
(10 _a_) which gave a general
satisfaction.

FOOTNOTES:

[28] The meaning is "_his_, and therefore _the nation's_, ministers." There is a kind of antithesis between "the nation" and "the nation's ministers."

[29] No instance has yet been mentioned.

[30] The thought that is implied, and should be expressed, by the words, is this: "Cromwell's favourite ally was a free country."

[31] The remarks about Christina are a digression, and Burnet is now returning to the respect in which Cromwell was held by foreign nations.

[32] He not only sought, but sought successfully. That "find" is not necessarily implied by "seek out" seems proved by the use of the word in the Authorized Version, 2 Tim. ii. 17: "He _sought_ me _out_ very diligently, and _found_ me."

BISHOP BUTLER.

The principal faults in this style are (_a_) a vague use of pronouns (5), and sometimes (_b_) the use of a phrase, where a word would be enough (47 _a_).

ORIGINAL VERSION. PARALLEL VERSION.

Some persons, (15) _upon Some persons avowedly reject all
pretence[33] of the sufficiency of revelation as[34]essentially
the light of Nature_, avowedly incredible and necessarily
reject all revelation as, _in its_ fictitious, on the ground that the
(47 _a_) _very notion_, light of Nature is in itself
incredible, _and what_ (47 _a_) sufficient. And assuredly, had the
_must be fictitious_. And indeed light of Nature been sufficient in
(32) it is certain that no such a sense as to render
revelation would have been given, revelation needless or useless, no
(32) had the light of Nature been revelation would ever have been
sufficient in such a sense as to given. But let any man consider
render (5) _one_ not[35] wanting, the spiritual darkness that once
or useless. But no (15 _b_) man in (41) prevailed in the heathen
seriousness and simplicity can world before revelation, and that
possibly think _it_ (5) _so_, who (41) still prevails in those
considers the state of religion in regions that have not yet received
the heathen world before the light of revealed truth; above
revelation, and _its_ (5) present all, let him mark not merely the
state in those (11) _places_ (8) natural inattention and ignorance
_which_ have borrowed no light of the masses, but also the
from (5) it; particularly (19) the doubtful language held even by a
doubtfulness of some of the (12) Socrates on even so vital a
greatest men concerning _things of subject as[36] the immortality of
the utmost_ (11) _importance_, as the soul; and then can he in
well as the (15 _a_) _natural seriousness and sincerity maintain
inattention and ignorance of that the light of Nature is
mankind in general_. It is (34) sufficient?
impossible to say (12) who would
have been able to have reasoned It is of course impossible to deny
out that whole system which we that some second[36] Aristotle
call natural religion, (30) in its might have reasoned out, in its
genuine simplicity, clear of genuine simplicity and without
superstition; but there is a touch of superstition, the
certainly no ground to affirm whole of that system which we
that the generality could. call natural religion. But there
(44) If they could, there is is certainly no ground for
no sort of probability that affirming that this complicated
they would. (44) Admitting there process would have been possible
were, they would highly want a for ordinary men. Even if they had
standing admonition to remind them had the power, there is no
of (5) _it_, and inculcate it upon probability that they would have
them. And further still, were (5) had the inclination; and, even if
_they_ as much _disposed_ (47 _a_) we admit the probable inclination,
_to attend to_ religion as the they would still need some
better sort of men (15 _a_) _are_; standing admonition, whereby
yet, even upon this supposition, natural religion might be
there would be various occasions suggested and inculcated. Still
for supernatural instruction and further, even if we suppose these
assistance, _and the greatest ordinary men to be as attentive to
advantages_ (50) _might be religion as men of a better sort,
afforded_ (15 _a_) _by_ (5) yet even then there would be
_them_. So that, to say revelation various occasions when
is a thing superfluous, _what supernatural instruction and
there_ (47 _a_) _was no need of_, assistance might be most
and _what can be of_ (47 _a_) _no beneficially bestowed.
service_, is, I think, to talk
wildly and at random. Nor would it Therefore, to call revelation
be more extravagant to affirm that superfluous, needless, and
(40 _a_) _mankind_ is so entirely useless, is, in my opinion, to
(40 _a_) _at ease_ in the present talk wildly and at random. A man
state, and (40 _a_) _life so_ might as reasonably assert that we
completely (40 _a_) _happy_, that are so entirely at ease and so
(5) _it_ is a contradiction to completely happy in this present
suppose (40 _a_) our condition life that our condition cannot
capable of _being in any respect_ without contradiction be supposed
(47 _a_) _better_.--(_Analogy of capable of being in any way
Religion_, part ii. chap. 1.) improved.

FOOTNOTES:

[33] "To pretend" once meant "to put forward," "maintain."

[34] It has been suggested, however, that by "in its very notion incredible," is meant "inconceivable."

[35] "Wanting" is used for modern "wanted."

[36] This use of the particular for the general would be out of place in Butler's style, but it adds clearness.

BREVITY.

SIR ARCHIBALD ALISON.

The following extract exhibits examples of tautology and lengthiness. The "implied statement" (50) can often be used as a remedy, but, more often, the best remedy is omission.

ORIGINAL VERSION. PARALLEL VERSION.

The Russian empire is (50) _a Russia, with her vast strength and
state of_ (54) _such_ vast boundless resources, is obviously
strength and boundless destined to exercise on the course
resources, _that_ it is of history a great and lasting
obviously destined to make a influence. The slowness of her
great and lasting impression on progress only renders her
human affairs. Its (50) progress durability more probable. The
has been slow, but (5) _it_[37] is Russian Empire has not, like the
only on that account the more empires of Alexander the Great and
likely to be durable. (5) _It_ has Napoleon, been raised to sudden
not suddenly risen to greatness, greatness by the genius of
like the empire of Alexander in individuals or the accidents of
ancient (19) (31), or that of fortune, but has been slowly
Napoleon in modern, times, from enlarged and firmly consolidated
the force of individual genius, or by well-guided ambition and
the accidents of (54) casual persevering energy,[38] during a
fortune, but has slowly advanced, long succession of ages.
and (40 _a_) been firmly
consolidated (15) _during a
succession of ages_, from the
combined influence of ambition
skilfully directed and energy (15
_a_) _perseveringly applied_.

* * * * * * * * * *