Chapter I

HUMORISTS OF THE PENCIL

PHIL MAY

LONDON:

“PUNCH” OFFICE, 10, BOUVERIE STREET, E.C.

Reproduced from “The History of Punch” by the kind permission of Mr. H. H. Spielmann, the ownder of the original drawings.

“That’s supposed to be a Portograph of Lady Solsbary. But, bless yer, it ain’t like her a bit in Private!”]

PREACHING AND PRACTISING.

_Lady Bountiful_ (_to old Parishioner_). “I hope you like our New Clergyman’s Sermons, Mrs. Brown?”

_Mrs. Brown_: “Oh yes, my Lady, he do Preach quite beautiful; but then, you see, he don’t Practise. So when my poor old Man be troubled with the Rheumatics, I have to send for the Doctor in the Village, and it do come so very expensive!”]

“All right, Sir! My fault!”]

“Has Mr. Smith been here?” “Yes; he was here about an hour ago.” “Was I with him?”]

“’Ow are yer gettin’ on, Bill?”

“Ain’t gettin’ on at all. I’m beginnin’ to think as the Publick doesn’t know what they wants!”]

_Kitty_ (_reading a fairy tale_). “‘Once upon a time there was a frog----’”

_Mabel_ (_interrupting_). “I bet it’s a Princess! Go on!”]

_Lucullus Brown_ (_on hospitable purpose intent_). “Are you Dining anywhere to-morrow night?”

_Jones_ (_not liking to absolutely “give himself away”_). “Let me see”--(_considers_)--“No; I’m not Dining anywhere to-morrow.”

_Lucullus Brown_ (_seeing through the artifice_). “Um! Poor chap! How Hungry you will be!”

[“_Exeunt,--severally_.”]]

“’Arf a pound er Margarine, please; an’ Mother says will yer put the Cow on it cos she’s got Company!”]

“Wha’s up wi’ Sal?” “Ain’t yer ’erd? She’s Married agin!”]

“Hi, Billie! _’Ere’s_ Cheap Gloves!”]

“You mind your Fader gets my Boots reddy by Four o’clock, ’cos I’m goin’ to a Party!”]

’_Arry_ (_shouting across the street to his “Pal”_) “Hi! Bill! This is ’er!”]

_First ’Arry_: “Hay, wot’s this ’ere Rosebery a torkin’ abaat? Bless’d if he ain’t a goin’ to do awy with the Lords!”

_Second ’Arry_: (_more of a Don Juan than a Politician_). “Do awy with the ’ole bloomin’ lot o’ Lords, if he likes, as long as he don’t do awy with the Lidies!”]

_First Boy_ _(much interested in the game of Buttons_). “’As ’e lost?”

_Second Ditto_. “Yes; ’e lost all them Buttons what ’e won off Tommy Crowther yesterday, an’ then ’e cut all the Buttons off ’is Clothes, and ’e’s lost them too!”]

_Cabbie_-“Marlbro’ ’Ouse, my Lord?”]

_Hungry-looking Acquaintance_ (_with eye to invitation_). “So glad to see you enjoying yourself!”

_Fat Chap_ (_evidently doing well_). “Wrong again, old Man. I’m enjoying my Dinner!”]

_Serious and much-Married Man_. “My dear Friend, I _was_ astonished to hear of _your_ dining at Madame Troisétoiles!--a ‘Woman with a Past’ you know!”

_The Friend_ (_Bachelor “unattached”_). “Well, you see, old Man, she’s got a first-rate _Chef_, so it isn’t her ‘Past’ but her ‘Re-past’ that I care about.”]

_Colonel McMurder_. “Yis, oi _dud_, you thunderin’ villain!”

_Editor_. “Oh, very well, thot’s all _roight_. Oi t’ought it moight av been wan o’ thim prac-ta-cle jokes”!]

Scene--_Bar of a Railway Refreshment Room._

_Barmaid_. “Tea, Sir?” _Mr. Boozy_. “Tea!!! ME!!!!”]

“Say, Billee, shall we gaver Mushrooms?”

“Yus. I’m a Beggar to Climb!”]

_Second Boy_. “Shan’t.”

_First Boy_. “What for?”

_Second Boy_. “’Cos yer axed me!”

(_After a pause._)

_Small Boy_. “Gi’ me a Bite, Bob. I never axed yer!”]

A Study in Black and White. ⁂ Nice for Next Fare.]

_Jones_ (_after a pause_). “Yes, I think I will.”

_N.A._ (_after singeing_). “Shampoo, Sir? Good for the ’Air, Sir.”

_Jones_. “Thank you. Yes.”

_N.A._ “Your Moustaches curled?”

_Jones_. “Please.”

_N.A._ “May I give you a Friction?”

_Jones_. “Thank you.”

_N.A._ “Will you try some of our----”

_Manager_ (_who has just sighted his man, in Stage whisper_). “You Idiot! _He’s_ a Subscriber!!”]

_Shopkeeper_ (_amused_). “They are Four Shillings and Sixpence a Pound, my Lad.”

_Youngster_. “Well, then, give us a ’A’porth o’ _Carrots_. I’m a _Demon_ for _Fruit_!”]

_First Gossip_. “So you was nivver axed tut Funeral?”

_Second Gossip_. “Nivver as much as inside t’house. But nobbut wait till _we_ hev’ a Funeral of us own, an’ _we_’ll show ’em!”]

“Are you sure they’re quite Fresh?” “Wot a Question to arst! Can’t yer see they’re Alive?”

“Yes; but you’re _Alive_, you know!”]

_Father of Family_ (_who has accidentally shot the leg of a Fowl under the table_). “Mind t’Dog doesn’t get it!”

_Young Hopeful_ (_triumphantly_). “All right, Feyther! I’ve gotten me Foot on it!”]

_Old Lady_. “Yes, I _do_ object, very strongly!”

_Workman_. “Oh! Then out you get!!”]

“Lor’ bless yer, Sir, that’s all right, Sir! _That_ ain’t a Fly, Sir! _That’s_ a bit of Dirt!”]

After the Procession. A Solo by Grand-père.]

“Mumma-a-a! Boo-hoo! We’s crying! Tum up ’tairs an’ see what’s de matter wiv us!”]

_Chorus_ (_slow music_). “We’ve a rare old--fair old--rickety Crew!”]

“I’ll do ellythik you _like_ in reasol, M’ria--(_hic_)--Bur I _won’t_ come ’ome.”]

_Testy Individual_ (_losing patience_). “Oh, go to”--(substitutes a milder form)--“blazes!”

_Street Urchin_. “Sure thin an’ I would in this bastly could weather, if I was only certain o’ comin’ back again!” [_Individual’s testiness overcome and Urchin rewarded_.]]

(_Sketch Outisde a Fashionable Hotel_.)]

_Bill Robbins_ (_who has been “doing time”_). “Oh, I’ve bin Wheelin’ a bit, Ole Man--Wheelin’ a bit!”]

_Johnnie_ (_who finds that his Box, £20, has been appropriated by “the Fancy”_). “I beg your pardon, but this is _my_ Box!”

_Bill Basford_. “Oh, is it? Well, why don’t you tike it?”]

_Conductor_. “_All_ right, Mum.” (_Aside_.) “She _don’t_ want _much_, do she, Mate?”]

_First ’Arry_ (_with newspaper_). “I say, ’Arry, you’se a Toff. What’s a ‘Collar Day’ at Court?”

_Second ’Arry_. “Donno ’xactly. Suppose it’s a Saturday when things come ’ome from the Wash.”

_First ’Arry_. “Oh, I see--‘Clean Collar Day’!”]

_Doctor_. “Did you give the Children the Physic I sent last night?”

_Fond Mother_. “Yes, Sir,”

_Doctor_. “And how are they to-day?”

_Fond Mother_. “Well, the little un’s very bad to be sure. But it don’t seem to ’ave done the t’other un’ no ’Arm as yet!”]

_Brown_. “What a _lot_ you must have got!”]

Second Newspaper Boy. “I suppose ’e’s the North Pole as ’as just been Discovered!”]

“Cheese.”

“What are yer tryin’ ter catch--Mice?”]

_Jim_. “What’s this ere ‘Bi-metallism,’ Bill?”

_Bill_ (_of superior intelligence_). “Well, yer see, Jim, it’s heither a Licensed Wittlers’ or a Teetotal Dodge. The Wages’ll be paid in Silver, and no more Coppers. So you can’t get no arf-pint nor hanythink under a Sixpence or a Thrip’ny. Then you heither leaves it alone, and takes to Water like a Duck, or you runs up a score.”

_Jim_. “Ah! But if there ain’t no more Coppers, ’ow about the ’Buses and the Hunderground Rileway?”

_Bill_ (_profoundly_). “Ah!” [Left sitting.]]

Bernesia. “I _will_ be Master in my own House!”]

_Mr. Smallweed_. “I don’t know--sort of _repose_ about the mouth that somehow doesn’t seem right”]

“Souf o’ Frarnce, o’ course!”]

_Spokesman of Working Men’s Club_ (_on the occasion of their Patron’s first visit_). “And we ’opes, Sir, as this ’ll be _neither_ the _first_ nor the _last_ time as you’ll dew us the honner of settin’ among us!”]

’_Liza Ann_. “Oo er yer callin’ Emmer Smith? Sorcy ’ound!”]

_Seedy American_. “Waal, _guess_ I don’t think so durned much of your Thames Embankment, neither. It _rained_ all the blarmed time the night I _slep_ on it.”]

Where to Sup _al fresco_ in the Hottest Weather. The “_Whelkome_ Club.”]

’_Arry_. “Then wot are _we_ going ter do, Bill?”]

(_Sketched on an Excursion Steamer._)]

_Tramp_ (_to benevolent but inquisitive Lady_). “Well you see, Mum, it were like this. I were a ’Addick Smoker by profession; then I got ill, and ’ad to go to the ’Orspital; then I sold Cats’ Meat; but some’ow or other I got into _low water!_”]

_Fussy Old Gent_. “Hi! Stop! stop! I want to get down.”

_Driver_. “_I_ can’t stop the bloomin’ thing!!”]

_Fussy Old Gent_. “Hi! Stop! stop! I want to get down.”

_Driver_. “I can’t stop the bloomin’ thing!!”]

_Stout Coster_. “Where are yer goin’ to, Bill?”

_Bill_. “Inter the Country for a nice Drive, bein’ Bank ’Olidy.”

_Stout Coster_. “Same ’ere. I sy! don’t yer think we might swop Misseses just for a few Hours? It would be so much kinder to the Hanimile!”]

“That’s a Porkypine, Sarah.”

“No, it ain’t, Bill. It’s a Orstridge!”]

“Oh, rest you merry Gentleman, May nothing you dismay!”]

End of Project Gutenberg's Humorists of the Pencil: Phil May, by Phil May