Chapter V

Life is a show for you and me; it's free!
And what you look for is what you see;
A hill is a humped-up hollow.
Riches are yours with a dollar bill;
A million's the same little digit still,
With nothing but naughts to follow,
So hollo!
There's nothing but naughts to follow.
(But you and I, as I've said before,
Could get along with a trifle more.)

SUCCESS.

It's little the difference where you arrive;
The serious question is how you strive.
Are you up to your eyes in a wild romance?
Does your lady lead you a dallying dance?
Do you question if love be fate, or chance?
Oh, the world will ask: "Did he get the girl?"
Though gentleman, coxcomb, clown or churl,
Master or menial of passion's whirl.
But it _isn't_ that. The world will run
Though you never bequeath it daughter or son,
But what, O lover, will come to you
If you be not chivalrous, honest, true?
As far ahead as a man may think,
You can see your little soul shrivel and shrink.
It's not, "Do you win?"
It is, "What have you been?"

Are you stripped for the world-old, world-wide race
For the metal which shines like the sun's own face
Till it dazzles us blind to the mean and base?
Do you say to yourself, "When I have my hoard,
I will give of the plenty which I have stored,
If the Lord bless me, I will bless the Lord"?
And do you forget, as you pile your pelf,
What is the gift you are giving yourself?
Though your mountain of gold may dazzle the day,
Can you climb its height with your feet of clay?
Oh, it isn't the stamp on the metal you win;
It's the stamp on the metal you coin within.
It's not what you give;
It is "What do you live?"

Are you going to sail the polar seas
To the point of ninety-and-north degrees,
Where the very words in your larynx freeze?
Well, the mob may ask "Did he reach the pole?
Though fair, or foul, did he touch the goal?"
But if that be the spirit which stirs your soul,
Off, off from the land below the zeroes;
For you are not of the stuff of heroes.
Ho! many a man can lead men forth
To the fearsome end of the Farthest North,
But can you be faithful for woe or weal
In a land where nothing but self is leal?
Oh, it isn't "How far?"
It is what you are.
And it isn't your lookout where you arrive,
But it's up to you as to how you strive.

THE GRILL.

Why do you?
What's it to you?
I know you do, for I've seen the gruesome feeling simmer through you.
I've seen it rise behind your eyes
And take your features by surprise.
I've seen it in your half-hid grin
And the tilting-upness of your chin.
Good-natured though you are and fair, as you have often boasted,
Still you like to hear the other man artistically roasted.

Whenever the star secures the stage with the spotlight in the centre,
Why should the anvil chorus think it has the cue to enter?
Whenever the prima donna trills the E above the clef,
Why should the brasses orchestrate the bass in double f?

It's funny,
But it's even money,
You like to spy the buzzing fly in the other fellow's honey.
Though you have said that honest bread
Demands no honey on it spread,

_Page 30._]

And if we eat the crusty wheat
With appetite, it needs no sweet,
Still I have noticed you were not at all inclined to cry
Because the man the bees had blest was bothered with the fly.

Whenever the chef concocts a dish which sets the world to tasting,
Why does the cooking-school get out its recipes for basting?
Whenever a sprinter beats the bunch from the pistol-shot, why is it
The heavy hammer throwers get together for a visit?

Excuse me!
Did you accuse me
Of turning the spit a little bit myself? Why, you amuse me!
Didn't I scratch the sulphurous match
And blow the flame to make it catch?
Didn't you trot to get the pot
To heat the water good and hot?
Then, seizing on our victim, if we found no greater sin,
Didn't we call him "a lobster," and cheerfully chuck him in?

THE VISION.

At the door of Success, I've been tempted to knock
Both the door and the man who went through it,
But I find that the fellow was greasing the lock
All the time that he strove to undo it,
So I either stay out, or must look for the key
Which slipped back the bolt which impeded,
And I'm certain to find it, as soon as I see
The reason my rival succeeded.

Yes, I own when the man is a rank also-ran
That I feel quite pish-tushy and pooh-y,
And exclaim if he ever knew saw-dust from bran,
Well--I come from just west of St. Louis!
But then, in the winning he's made, there's a hope
That I may do even as he did,
So I swallow my sneer and I study his dope
To discover just why he succeeded.

I've been up in the air, I've been down in the hole,
(But always, let's hope, on the level,)
And I've been on my uppers--so meagre my sole
'Twould scarcely have tempted the devil!
But it's nothing to you what I am, or I was,
And no whit of your sympathy's needed,
For I'm certain to win in the long run, because
I shall see how my rival succeeded.

BLOOD IS RED.

Some of us don't drink, some of us do;
Some of us use a word or two.
Most of us, maybe, are half-way ripe
For deeds that would't look well in type.
All of us have done things, no doubt,
We don't very often brag about.
We are timidly good, we are badly bold,
But there's hope for the worst of us, I hold,
If there be a few things we didn't do,
For the reason that we so wanted to.

Some of us sin on a smaller scale.
(We don't mind minnows, we shy at a whale.)
We speak of a woman with half a sneer,
We sit on our hands when we ought to cheer.
The salad we mix in the bowl of the heart
We sometimes make a little too tart
For home consumption. We growl, we nag,
But we're not quite lost if we sometimes drag
The hot words back and make them mild
At the moment they fret to be running wild.

Don't pin your faith on the man or woman
Who never is tempted. We're mostly human.
And whoever he be who never has felt
The red blood sing in the veins and melt
The ice of convention, caste and creed,
To the very last barrier, has no need
To raise his brows at the rest of us.
It bides its time in the best of us,
And well for him if he do not do
That which the strength of him wants him to.

DIAGNOSIS.

You have a grudge against the man
Who did the thing you couldn't do.
You hatched the scheme, you laid the plan,
And yet you couldn't push it through.
You strained your soul and couldn't win;
He gave a breath and it was easy.
You smile and swallow your chagrin,
But, oh, the swallow makes you queasy.

I know your illness, for, you see,
The diet never pleases me.

Your dearest friend has made a strike,
Has placed his mark above the crowd,
Has won the thing which _you_ would like
And you are glad for him, and proud.
Your tongue is swift, your cheek is red,
If some one speak to his detraction,
And yet, the fact the thing is said
Affords you half a satisfaction.

I see the workings of your mind
Because my own is so inclined.

You tell me fame is hollow squeak,
You say that wealth is carking care;
And to live care-free a single week
Is more than years of work and wear.
Alexander weeps his highest place,
Diogenes is happy sunning!
What matters it who wins the race
So you have had the joy of running?

And yet, you covet prize and pelf.
I know it, for I do, myself.

SPREAD OUT.

In politics I'm a--never mind,
And you are a--I don't care,
But, anyway, I am rather inclined
To suspect we are both unfair;
For I have called you a coward and slave
And you have dubbed me a fool and knave.

(Yet, perhaps I was right, for you surely abused
The right of free speech in the names you used!)

In business you figure--a profit, I guess,
And I charge you--as much as I dare,
And I grumble that you ought to do it for less,
And you ask if my price is fair.
But if _I_ sold your goods and _you_ sold mine,
I doubt if the prices would much decline.

(Though I must insist that I think I see
Where you'd still have a little advantage of me!)

In religion you are a--who cares what?
And I am a--what's the odds?
So why have I sneered at your holiest thought,
And why have you jeered at my gods?
For, thinking it over, I'm sure we two
Were doing the best that we honestly knew.

(Though, of course, I cannot escape a touch
Of suspicion that _you_ never knew too much!)

THE DILETTANT.

To lie outright in the light of day
I'm not sufficiently skilful,
But I practice a bit, in an amateur way,
The lie which is hardly wilful;
The society lie and the business lie
And the lie I have had to double,
And the lie that I lie when I don't know why
And the truth is too much trouble.

For this I am willing to take your blame
Unless you have sometimes done the same.

To be a fool of an A1 brand
I'm not sufficiently clever,
But I often have tried my 'prentice hand
In a callow and crude endeavor;
A fool with the money for which I've toiled,
A fool with the word I've spoken,
And the foolish fool who is fooled and foiled
On a maiden's finger broken.

If you never yourself have made a slip,
I'm willing to watch you curl your lip.

And yet my blood and my bone resist
If you dub me fool and liar.
I set my teeth and double my fist
And my brow is flushed with fire.

You I deny and you I defy
And I vow I will make you rue it;
And I lie when I say that I never lie,
Which proves me a fool to do it!

You may jerk your thumb at me and grin
If liar and fool you never have been.

THE CONSERVATIVE.

At twenty, as you proudly stood
And read your thesis, "Brotherhood,"
If I remember right, you saw
The fatuous faults of social law.

At twenty-five you braved the storm
And dug the trenches of Reform,
Stung by some gadfly in your breast
Which would not let your spirit rest.

At thirty-five you made a pause
To sum the columns of The Cause;
You noted, with unwilling eye,
The heedless world had passed you by.

At forty you had always known
Man owes a duty to His Own.
Man's life is as man's life is made;
The game is fair, if fairly played.

At fifty, after years of stress
You bore the banner of Success.
All men have virtues, all have sins,
And God is with the man who wins.

At sixty, from your captured heights
You fly the flag of Vested Rights,
Bounded by bonds collectable,
And hopelessly respectable!

HUSH.

What's the best thing that you ever have done?
The whitest day,
The cleverest play
That ever you set in the shine of the sun?
The time that you felt just a wee bit proud
Of defying the cry of the cowardly crowd
And stood back to back with God?
Aye, I notice you nod,
But silence yourself, lest you bring me shame
That I have no answering deed to name.

What's the worst thing that ever you did?
The darkest spot,
The blackest blot
On the page you have pasted together and hid?
Ah, sometimes you think you've forgotten it quite,
Till it crawls in your bed in the dead of the night
And brands you its own with a blush.
What was it? Nay, hush!
Don't tell it to me, for fear it be known
That I have an answering blush of my own.

But whenever you notice a clean hit made,
Sing high and clear
The sounding cheer
You would gladly have heard for the play you played,
And when a man walks in the way forbidden,
Think you of the thing you have happily hidden
And spare him the sting of your tongue.
Do I do that which I've sung?
Well, it may be I don't and it may be I do,
But I'm telling the thing which is good for _you_!

THE ISLAND.

You, my friend, in your long-tailed coat,
With your white cravat at your withered throat,
Praying by proxy of him you hire,
Worshiping God with a quartet choir,
Bumping your head on the pew in front,
Assenting "Amen!" with an unctuous grunt,
Are you sure it is you
In the pew?

Look!
You're away on a lonely isle,
Where the scant breech-clout is the only style,
Where the day of the week forgets its name,
Where god and devil are all the same.
Look at yourself in your careless clout,
And tell me, then, would you be devout?

One on the island, one in the pew--
How do you know which is you?

You, dear maiden, with eyes askance
At the little soubrette and her daring dance,
Thanking God that His ways are wide
To allow you to pass on the other side,
You, as you ask, "Will the world approve?"
At the hint of a wabble out of the groove,

Look!
On that isle of the lonely sea
Are you, the saucy soubrette and _he_.
And the little grooves that you circle in
Are forever as though they never had been.
Now you are naked of soul and limb:
Will you say what you will not dare--for him?

Which of the women is real?
The one you appear, or the one you feel?

You, good sir, with your neck a-stretch,
As the van goes by with the prison wretch,
Asking naught of his ills or hurts,
Judging "he's getting his just deserts,"
Pluming yourself that the moral laws
Are centred in you as effect and cause.

Look!
At the island, and there you are
With the long, strong arm which reaches far,
And there are the natives who kneel and bow,
And where are your _meum et tuum_ now?
Are you sure that the balance swings quite true?
Or does it a little incline to you?

Answer or not as you will, but oh,
I have an island, too, and so
I know, I know.

HUMBLER HEROES.

It might not be so difficult to lead the light brigade,
While the army cheered behind you, and the fifes and bugles played;
It might be rather easy, with the war-shriek in your ears,
To forget the bite of bullets and the taste of blood and tears.
But to be a scrubwoman, with four
Babies, or more,
Every day, every day setting your back
On the rack,
And all your reward forever not quite
A full bite
Of bread for your babies. Say!
In the heat of the day
You might be a hero to head a brigade,
But a hero like her? I'm afraid! I'm afraid!

It might be very feasible to force a great reform,
To saddle public passion and to ride upon the storm;
It might be somewhat simple to ignore the roar of wrath,
Because a second shout broke out to cheer you on your path.
But he who, alone and unknown, is true
To his view,
Unswerved by the crush of the mutton-browed,
Blatting crowd,
Unwon by the flabby-brained, blinking ease
Which he sees
Throned and anointed. Say!
At the height of the fray,
You might be the chosen to captain the throng:
But to stand all alone? How long? How long?

CONSCIENCE PIANISSIMO.

You are honest as daylight. You're often assured
That your word is as good as your note--unsecured.
We could trust you with millions unaudited, but----
(Tut, tut!
There is always a "but,"
So don't get excited,) I'm pained to perceive
It is seldom I notice you grumble or grieve
When the custom-house officer pockets your tip
And passes the contraband goods in your grip.
You would scorn to be shy on your ante, I'm certain,
But skinning your Uncle you're rather expert in.

Well, I'm proud that no taint of the sort touches me.
(For I've never been over the water, you see.)

Your yardstick's a yard and your goods are all wool;
Your bushel's four pecks and you measure it full.
You are proud of your business integrity, yet--
(Don't fret!
There is always a "yet,")
I never have noticed a sign of distress, or
Disturbance in you, when the upright assessor
Has listed your property somewhere about
Half what you would take were you selling it out.
You're as true to the world as the world to its axis,
But you chuckle to swear off your personal taxes.
As for me, I would scorn to do any such thing,
(Though I may have considered the question last spring.)

You have notions of right. You would count it a sin
To cheat a blind billionaire out of a pin.
You have a contempt for a pettiness, still--
(Don't chill!
There is always a "still,")
I never have noticed you storm with neglect
Because the conductor had failed to collect,
Or growl that the game wasn't run on the square
When your boy in the high school paid only half fare.
The voice of your conscience is lusty and audible,
But a railroad--good heavens! why, that's only laudable.

Of course, _I_ am quite in a different class;
For me, it is painful to ride on a pass!

THE WORLD RUNS ON.

So many good people find fault with God,
Tho' admitting He's doing the best He can,
But still they consider it somewhat odd
That He doesn't consult them concerning his plan,
But the sun sinks down and the sun climbs back,
And the world runs round and round its track.

Or they say God doesn't precisely steer
This world in the way they think is best,
And if He would listen to them, He'd veer
A hair to the sou', sou'west by west.
But the world sails on and it never turns back
And the Mariner never makes a tack.

Or the same folk pray "O, if Thou please,
Dear God, be a little more circumspect;
Thou knowest Thy worm who is on his knees
Would not willingly charge thee with neglect,
But O, if indeed Thou knowest all things,
Why fittest Thou not Thy worm with wings?"

So many good people are quite inclined
To favor God with their best advices,
And consider they're something more than kind
In helping Him out of critical crises.
But the world runs on, as it ran before,
And eternally shall run evermore.

So many good people, like you and me,
Are deeply concerned for the sins of others
And conceive it their duty that God should be
Apprised of the lack in erring brothers.
And the myriad sun-stars seed the skies
And look at us out of their calm, clear eyes.

PASS.

Did somebody give you a pat on the back?
Pass it on!
Let somebody else have a taste of the snack,
Pass it on!
If it heightens your courage, or lightens your pack,
If it kisses your soul, with a song in the smack,
Maybe somebody else has been dressing in black;
Pass it on!
God gives you a smile, not to make it a yawn;
Pass it on!

Did somebody show you a slanderous mess?
Pass it by!
When a brook's flowing by, will you drink at the cess?
Pass it by!
Dame Gossip's a wanton, whatever her dress;
Her sire was a lie and her dam was a guess,
And a poison is in her polluting caress;
Pass it by!
Unless you're a porker, keep out of the sty.
Pass it by!

Did somebody give you an insolent word?
Pass it up!
'T is the creak of a cricket, the pwit of a bird;
Pass it up!
Shake your fist at the sea! Is its majesty blurred?
Blow your breath at the sky! Is its purity slurred?
But the shallowest puddle, how easily stirred!
Pass it up!
Does the puddle invite you to dip in your cup?
Pass it up!

PUBLICITY.

There's nothing like publicity
To further that lubricity
Which minted cartwheels need
To maximize their speed
In your direction.
True, some hydropathist of stocks,
Or one whose trade is picking locks,
May make objection:
Yet even those gentry always lurk
Where booming first has done its work.

Observe how oft some foreigner,
About the size of coroner,
Can sell L O R D
(Four letters, as you see,)
For seven numbers,
Because his trade-mark, thus devised,
Is advertised and advertised
Till it encumbers
The mental view, as though 't were some
Bald-headed brand of chewing-gum.

Study your own psychology!
See how some mere tautology
Of picture, or of print,
Has realized the glint
Of your good money.
How often have persistent views
Of one bare head sold you your shoes!
Which does seem funny;
And yet 'twas head-work, after all,
Which helped the shoe-man make his haul.

There's some obscure locality
In every man's mentality
Which, I am free to state,
I'd like to penetrate
For my felicity.
For now who gives a second look
When he perceives a POEM by Cooke?
But come publicity!
And then a poem by COOKE were seen
The first thing in the magazine!

MOVE!

We are on the main line of a crowded track;
We've got to go forward; we can't go back
And run the risk of colliding:
We must make schedule, not now and again,
But always, forever and ever, amen!
Or else switch off on a siding.
If ever we loaf, like a car in the yard,
Doesn't somebody bump us, and bump us hard,
I wonder?

You've succeeded in building a pretty fair trade,
But can you sit down in the grateful shade
And kill time cutting up capers?
Or must you hustle and scheme and sweat,
Though the shine be fine or the weather be wet,
And keep your page in the papers?
If ever you fail to be pulling the strings,
Aren't some of your rivals around doing things,
I wonder?

You're a first-class salesman. You know your line;
Your house is good and your goods are fine,
So you fill your book with orders,
But can you get quit of the ball and chain,
Or are you in jail on a railroad train,
With blue-coated men for warders?
If you sent your samples and cut out the trip,
Wouldn't somebody else soon be lugging your grip,
I wonder?

You are starred on the bills and are chummy with fame;
The man on the corner could tell you your name
At three o'clock in the morning,
But can you depend on the mind of the mob?
Can you tell your press-agent to look for a job,
Or give your manager warning?
Should you lie down to sleep, with your laurels beneath,
Wouldn't somebody else soon be wearing your wreath,
I wonder?

Oh, I'm willing to work, but I wish I could lag,
Not feeling as if I were "it" for tag,
Or last in follow-my-leader;
There is only one spot where, I haven't a doubt,
Nobody will try to be crowding me out,
And that is under the cedar.
And even in that place, will Gabriel's trump
Come nagging along and be making me jump?
I wonder.

GET NEXT.

Chap. I., verse 1, is where you'll find
The text of what is in my mind
If, haply, you are so inclined.
Chap. I., verse 1--the primal rule
For saint or sinner, sage or fool,
No matter what his church or school.
Though you may call it slangy solely,
Though you may term it flippant wholly,
Truth still is truth and is not vexed;
I write this rhyme to prove the text--
Get Next.

Suppose I sought some lonely height
And dipped a stylus in the light
Of welding worlds and sought to write
Upon the highest, deepest blue
My message to Sam Smith and you.
The chances are it would not do.
You would not risk your neck to read
My much too altitudinous screed,
And I, chagrined and half-perplexed,
Had missed you when I missed my text--
Get Next.

Suppose you have a breakfast food
Which you conceive I should include
Within my lat-and-longitude.
'T is not enough to have the stuff,
But you must post, and praise, and puff,
Until I memo. on my cuff,
Among my most important notes--
Be sure to bring home Oatless Oats.
And then you know that I'm annexed,
Because you followed out the text--
Get Next.

Get next! get next! and hold it true
There's one you must get nextest to,
And that important one is you.
Be not of those who, uncommuned
With their own skins, have all but swooned
From some imaginary wound,
But strip the rags from off your soul
And find you are not maimed, but whole!
'T is but a flea-bite which has vexed
As soon as you've applied the text--
Get Next.

_Page 58._]

_Page 59._]

ARE YOU YOU?

Are you a trailer, or are you a trolley?
Are you tagged to a leader through wisdom and folly?
Are you Somebody Else, or You?
Do you vote by the symbol and swallow it "straight"?
Do you pray by the book, do you pay by the rate?
Do you tie your cravat by the calendar's date?
Do you follow a cue?

Are you a writer, or that which is worded?
Are you a shepherd, or one of the herded?
Which are you--a What or a Who?
It sounds well to call yourself "one of the flock,"
But a sheep is a sheep after all. At the block
You're nothing but mutton, or possibly stock.
Would you flavor a stew?

Are you a being and boss of your soul?
Or are you a mummy to carry a scroll?
Are you Somebody Else, or You?
When you finally pass to the heavenly wicket
Where Peter the Scrutinous stands on his picket,
Are you going to give him _a blank_ for a ticket?
Do you think it will do?

THE PRICE.

In, or under, or over the earth,
What will fill you, and what suffice?
No matter how mean, or much its worth,
It is yours if you pay the price.
Never a thing may a man attain,
But gain pays loss, or loss pays gain.

Lady of riches, riot and rout,
Fair of flesh and sated of sense,
Nothing in life you need do without
Except the trifle of innocence.
Counterfeit kisses you paid, and got
Just what you paid for--which is what?

Man of adroitness, place and power,
Trampled above and torn below;
Set in the light of your noonday hour,
Playing a part in the public show;
Fooling the mob that the mob be ruled:
You know which is the greater fooled.

Artist of pencil, or paint, or pen,
Reed, or string, or the vocal note,
Making the soul to suffer again
And the wild heart clutch the throat;
Ever your fancy has paid in fact;
You rack my soul, as yours was racked.

_Page 60._]

THE BUBBLE-FLIES.

Let me read a homily
Concerning an anomaly
I view
In you.
Whatever you are striving for,
Whatever you are driving for,
'T is not alone because you crave
To be successful that you slave
To swim upon the topmost wave.
You care less what your station is,
But more what your relation is.
To be a bit above the rest!
To be upon, or of, the crest!
Ah! that is where the trouble lies
Which stirs you little bubble-flies.

(I sneer these sneers, but just the same
I keep my fingers in the game.)
See! you have eat-and-drinkables
And portables and thinkables
And yet
You fret.
For what? Let's reach the heart of you
And see the funny part of you.
For what? I find the soul and seed
Of it is not your lack or need,
Or even merely vulgar greed.
Gold? You may have a store of it,
But someone else has more of it.
Fame? Pretty things are said of you,
But--some one is ahead of you.
Place? You disprize your easy one
For some one's high and breezy one.

(I smile these smiles to soothe my soul,
But squint one eye upon the goal.)

Tell me! what's your capacity
Compared to your voracity?
_I_ guess
'T is less.
And so I strike these attitudes
And tender you these platitudes;--
Not wishing wealth, or spurning it,
Not hoarding it, or burning it
Is equal to the earning it.
Life's race is in the riding it,
Not in the word deciding it.
And after all is said and uttered
The keenest taste is bread-and-buttered.

(And yet--and yet--my palate aches
For pallid pie and pasty cakes!)

_Page 61._]

QUALIFIED.

I love to see my friend succeed;
I love to praise him; yes, indeed!
And so, no doubt, do you.
But will you tell me why it is
The praise we parcel out as his
So often goes askew,
And ends by running in the rut
Of "if," "except" or "but"?

"Boggs is a clever chap. His trade
Is doubling yearly, and he's made
A fortune all right, but----"
"Sharp is elected. Well, I say!
He'll hit a high mark yet, some day,
If----" (here one eye is shut).
"Such acting! Why, I laughed and wept!
Fobb's art is great--except."

"Miss Hautton has such queenly grace.
And then her figure and her face!
She'd be a beauty if----"
"And Mrs. Follol entertains
With so much taste and so much pains;
But----" (here a little sniff).
"And Mrs. Caste has ever kept
The narrow path--except."

I wish some man were great and good
That I might praise him all I could
And never add a "but."
I would that some would value me
And never hint what I would be
"If"--but why cavil? Tut!
Eternal justice still is kept
And Heaven is good--except!

_Page 65._]

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Do you lazily nurse your knee and muse?
Do you contemplate your conquering thews
With a critical satisfaction?
But yesterday's laurels are dry and dead
And to-morrow's triumph is still ahead;
To-day is the day for action.

Yesterday's sun: is it shining still?
To-morrow's dawn: will its coming fill
To-day, if to-day's light fail us?
Not so. The past is forever past;
To-day's is the hand which holds us fast,
And to-morrow may never hail us.

The present and only the present endures,
So it's hey for to-day! for to-day is yours
For the goal you are still pursuing.
What you have done is a little amount;
What you will do is of lesser account,
But the test is, what are you doing?

THE FIRST PERSON SINGULAR.

McUmphrey's a fellow who's lengthy on lungs.
Backed up by the smoothest of ball-bearing tongues,
And his topic--himself--is worth talking about,
But he works it so much he has frazzled it out.
He never will give me my half of a chance
To chip in my own little, clever romance
In the first person singular. Yes, and they say,
He offended you, too, in a similar way.

Cousin Maud tells her illnesses, ancient and recent,
In a most minute way which is almost indecent!
Vivisecting herself, with some medical chatter,
She serves us her portions--as if on a platter,
Never noting how I am but waiting to stir
My dregs of diseases to offer to her.
And I hear (such a joke!) that your chronic gastritis
Stands silent forever before her nephritis.

Mrs. Henderson's Annie goes out every night,
And Bertha, before her, was simply a fright,
While Agnes broke more than the worth of her head,
And Maggie--well, some things are better unsaid.
Such manners to talk of her help--when she knows
My wife's simply aching to tell of _our_ woes!
And I hear that she never lets you get a start
On your story of Rosy we all know by heart.

You'd hardly believe that I've heard Bunson tell
The Flea-Powder Frenchman and Razors to Sell,
The One-Legged Goose and that old What You Please--
And even, I swear it, The Crow and the Cheese.
And he sprang that old yarn of He Said 't was His Leg,
When you wanted to tell him Columbus's Egg,
While I wanted to tell my own whimsical tale
(Which I recently wrote) of The Man in the Whale!

THE CHOICE.

The little it takes to make life bright,
If we open our eyes to get it!
And the trifle which makes it black as night,
If we close our lids and let it!
Behold, as the world goes whirling by,
It is gloomy, or glad, as it fits your eye.

As it fits your eye, and I mean by that
You find what you look for mostly;
You can feed your happiness full and fat,
You can make your miseries ghostly,
Or you can forget every joy you own
By coveting something beyond your zone.

In the storms of life we can fret the eye
Where the guttering mud is drifted,
Or we can look to the world-wide sky
Where the Artist's scenes are shifted.
Puddles are oceans in miniatures,
Or merely puddles; the choice is yours.

We can strip our niggardly souls so bare
That we haggle a penny between us;
Or we can be rich in a common share
Of the Pleiades and Venus.
You can lift your soul to its outermost look,
Or can keep it packed in a pocketbook.

We may follow a phantom the arid miles
To a mountain of cankered treasure,
Or we can find, in a baby's smiles,
The pulse of a living pleasure.
We may drink of the sea until we burst,
While the trickling spring would have quenched our thirst.

THE SAVING CLAUSE.

Kerr wrote a book, and a good book, too;
At least I[A] managed to read it through
Without finding very much room for blame,
And a good many other folks did the same.
But when any one asked me[A]: "Have you read?"
Or: "How do you like?" I[A] only said:
"Very good, very good! and I'm glad enough;
For his other writings are horrible stuff."

Banks wrote a play, and it had a run.
(That's a good deal more than ever I've[A] done.)
The interest held with hardly a lag
From the overture to the final tag.
But when any one asked me[A]: "Have you seen?"
Or: "What do you think?" I[A] looked serene
And remarked: "Oh, a pretty good thing of its kind,
But I guess Mr. Shakespeare needn't mind!"

Phelps made a machine; 't was smooth as grease.
(I[A] couldn't invent its smallest piece
In a thousand years.) It was tried and tried,
Until everybody was satisfied.
But when any one asked me[A]: "Will it pay?"--
"Is it really good?"--I[A] could only say:
"It's a marvelous thing! Why, it almost thinks!
And Phelps is a wonder--too bad he drinks!"

[Footnote A: (Errata: On scanning the verses through I find these pronouns should all read "You.")]

_Page 70._]

BETWEEN TWO THIEVES.

Sure! I am one who disbelieves
In thieves;
At which you interrupt to cry
"Aye, aye, and I."
Hmf! you're so sudden to agree.
Suppose we see.

I know a thief. No matter whether
I ought to know a thief, or not.
Perhaps "we went to school together;"
That old excuse is worked a lot.
One day he "copped a rummy's leather,"
Which means--I hate to tell you what.
It's such a vulgar thing to steal
A drunkard's purse to buy a meal.
"Hey, pal," said he, "come help me dine;
I've hit a pit and got the swag;
To-day, Delmonico's is mine;
To-morrow once again a vag.
Come on and tell me all the stunts
Of all the boys who knew me--once."

"Did I go with him?" I did not.
Would you have gone? Could you be bought
By dinners--when the trail was hot
And any hour he might be caught?
I know a thief, whose operations
Are colored by a kindly law.
Your income and a beggar's rations
Contribute to his cunning claw;
Cities and counties, courts and nations
Pay portion to his monstrous maw.

He gave a dinner not long since
In honor of some played-out Prince.
The decorations, ah, how chaste!
And how delicious was the wine!
For Mrs. Thief has perfect taste
And Mr. Thief knows how to dine.
And so the world has long agreed
Quite to forgive, forget--and feed.
But really I was shocked to see
How many decent folks could be
Induced to come and bow the knee;
I think you were my _vis-a-vis_.

Yes, yes, I quite despise him, too,
Like you;
And (though it's not a thing to brag)
I somehow like the vag.
But, oh, the difference one perceives
Between two thieves!

THE SPECTATOR.

Look at the man with the crown
Weighing him down.
Plumed and petted,
Galled and fretted!
Why do you eye him askance
With a quiver of hate in your glance?
Why not conceive him as human,
Nursed at the breast of a woman,
Growing, mayhap, as he could,
Not as he would?
How are you sure you would be
Better and wiser than he?

Look at the woman whose eye
Follows you by.
Silked and satined,
Scented, fattened!
Why does the half smile slip
Into a sneer on your lip?
You pity her? Ah, but the fashion
Of your complacent compassion.
Pity her! yet you have said,
"Better the creature were dead.
What is there left here for her
But to err?"
Thus would you make the world right,
Hiding its ills from your sight.

Look at the man with the pack
Breaking his back.
Ragged, squalid,
Wretched, stolid.
And you are sorry, you say,
(Much as you are at a play.)
But do you say to him, "Brother,
Twin-born son of our mother
What were the word, or the deed
Fitting your need?"
Or, as he slouches by,
Do you breathe "God be praised, I am I?"

_Page 74._]

THE SQUEALER.

Of course some people are born so bright
That no matter what one may say, or write,
The theme is old and the lesson is trite,
Which is what you may say, as these lines unreel
And I mildly suggest it is better to feel
Than to squeal.

Everybody knows that? Yes, it's certain they do,
Everybody, that is, with exception of two,
Of whom I am one and the other is you.
But for us the lesson is still remote,
Although we commit it and cite it and quote
It by rote.

But still when you thrill with the thudding thump
From the fist of the fellow you tried to bump
And the world looks hard at the swelling lump,
There's a strong temptation to open your door
And invite the public to hear you roar
That you're sore.

And again, tho' 'tis plain as the printed page:--
"Keep your hand on the lever and watch the gauge
When the fire-pot's full and the boilers rage,"
How often the steam-pressure grows and grows
And before the engineer cares or knows,
Up she goes.

So why should you fret if I send you to school
Again to consider the sapient rule
That Wisdom is Silence and Speech is a Fool.
Close up! and a year from to-day you will kneel
And thank the good Lord that you knew how to feel
And not squeal.

DISTANCE AND DISENCHANTMENT.

He was playing New York, and on Broadway at that;
I was playing in stock, in Chicago.
I heard that his Hamlet fell fearfully flat;
He heard I was fierce, as Iago.
Each looked to the other exceedingly small;
We were too far apart, that is all.
You, too, if your vision is ever reflective,
Have noticed your rival is small in perspective.

I heard him in Memphis (a chance matinee);
He heard me (one Sunday) in Dallas.
His critics, I swore, never witnessed the play;
He vowed mine were prompted by malice.
A pleasanter fellow I cannot recall.
We were closer together; that's all.
And your rival, too, if you once see him clearly,
Is clever, or how could he rival you, nearly?

In Seattle they said he was greater than Booth,
(Or in Portland, perhaps; I've forgotten);
I said 'twas ungracious to speak the plain truth,
But his work in the first act was rotten.
I had only intended to speak of the thrall
Of his wonderful fifth act; that's all.
But when a man's praised far ahead of his talents,
I guess you say something to even the balance.

In Atlanta I heard a remark that he made
And again in Mobile, Alabama;--
That he hardly thought Shakespeare was meant to be played
Like a ten-twenty-thirt' melodrama.
Oh, well, there was one honey-drop in the gall;
The fellow was jealous; that's all.
And you, too, have found, when a friendship is broken,
That his words are worse than the ones you have spoken.

_Page 77._]

FAMILY RESEMBLANCE.

I used to boost the P. and P.,
Designed to run from sea to sea,
From Portland, Ore., to Portland, Me.,
But which, as all the maps agree,
Begins somewhere in Minnesota
And peters out in North Dakota.
You gibed because I used to mock
Its streaks of rust and rolling-stock,
Its schedule and its G. P. A.
(Who took your Annual away,)
But lately you seem much inclined
To own a sudden change of mind.
Ah, me,
You're much like other folks, I see.

I much admired the book reviews
Of Quillip of the Daily News.
I laughed to see him put the screws
On some sprig of the late Who's-Whos,
Tear off his verbiage and skin him
To show the little there was in him.
You said the book he wrote himself
Lay stranded on the dealer's shelf
And wasn't worthy a critique;
(Just what he said of mine last week).
Perhaps your reasoning was strong
And you were right and I was wrong.
Heigho!
I'm very much like you, I know.

O'Brien's zeal ran almost daft
In its antipathy to graft.
He raked the practice fore and aft;
Lord! how his sulphurous breath would waft
"Eternal and infernal tarmint
To ivery grasping, grafting, varmint."
The worst of these upon the planet,
He said, were those who wanted granite
In public buildings,--"yis, begorry!"
(O'Brien owns a sandstone quarry.)
Of course I'd hate to see it tested,
But would he be less interested
In civic virtue--uninvested?
Oh, dear!
O'Brien's much like us, I fear.

NEED.

Don't you remember how you and I
Held a property nobody wanted to buy
In San Jose,
Until one day
A man came along from Franklin, Pa.?
And didn't we jump till we happened to find
The chap wasn't going it wholly blind,
But all the rest of the block was bought
And he simply had to have our lot.
Well, didn't our land go up in price
Till double the figures would scarce suffice?

And don't we sometimes figure and fret
How he got the best of us, even yet?

Don't you remember the perfect plan
You had, which needed another man
To make it win,
To jump right in
And everlasting make things spin?
And you said I had the requisite dash
And also the trifle of hoarded cash.
Was I glad to get in? Well, yes, indeed!
Until I saw the compelling need
Which had brought you to me, and then, "Ho! ho!
None of that for me, nay, not for Joe."

And I'm always provoked when I think you made
The plan get along without my aid.

Don't you remember the time we met
At Des Moines, or was it at Winterset?
But anyway, you
Were feeling blue
And tickled to see me through and through.
And "Come, let's open a bottle of--ink,"
Said you, "and see if it's good to drink."
But weren't you sorry because you spoke
When I had to tell you I was "broke"?
Oh, you lent me the saw-buck, I know, but still
I fancied your ardor had taken a chill.

And you've never been able to quite forget
That once I was "broke," and in your debt.

BETTER.

There's only one motto you need
To succeed:
"Better."
To other man's winning? Then you
Must do
Better.
From the baking of bread
To the breaking a head,
From rhyming a ballad
To sliming a salad,
From mending of ditches
To spending of riches,
Follow the rule to the uttermost letter:
"Better!"

Of course you may say but a few
Can do
Better;
And you're going to strive
So that all may thrive
Better.
And it's right you are
To follow the star,
Set in the heavens, afar, afar;
But still with your eyes
On the skies
It is wise
To be riding a mule,
Or guiding a school,
Thatching a hovel
Or hatching a novel,
Foretelling weather,
Or selling shoe-leather;
And remember you must
Be doing it just
A wee dust
Better.

And 'tis quite
As right
For you to cite
That the author might,
Or ought, to write
A heavenly sight
Better!
For which sharp word I am much your debtor,
Knowing none other could file my fetter
Better.

_Page 85._]

FORGET WHAT THE OTHER MAN HATH.

What do I care for your four-track line?
I have a country path;
And this is the message I've taken for mine:--
"Forget what the other man hath."

What do I care for your giant trees?
I'd rather whittle a lath,
And my motto helps me to take my ease;--
"Forget what the other man hath."

What do I care for your Newport beach?
A tub's as good for a bath.
And I keep my solace in constant reach:--
"Forget what the other man hath."

What do I care for your automobile?
I'm saving repairs and wrath,
My proverb goes well with an old style wheel;--
"Forget what the other man hath."

What do I care if you scorn my rime?
For this is its aftermath;--
It sounds so well I shall try, (sometime,)
To "forget what the other man hath!"

THE WHET.

The day that I loaf when I ought to employ it
Has, somehow, the flavor which makes me enjoy it.
So the man with no work
He may joyously shirk
I envy no more than I do the Grand Turk.
He most is in need of a holiday, who,
In this workaday world, has no duty to do.

The dollar you waste when you ought not to spend it
Buys something no plutocrat's millions could lend it,
For if once you exhaust
All your care of the cost,
Full half of the pleasure of purchase is lost,
So I trust you are one who is wise in discerning
The value of spending is most in the earning.

My little success which was nearest complete
Was that which I tore from the teeth of defeat,
And the man who can hit
With his wisdom and wit
Without any effort, I envy no whit.
The genius whose laurels grow always the greenest
Finds pleasure in plenty, but misses the keenest.

WHAT SORT ARE YOU?

"How much do you want for your A. Street lot?"
Said a real estate man to me.
I looked as if I were lost in thought
And then I replied: "Let's see;--
Black's sold last year at fifty the foot
And without using algebra that should put
My figure at sixty now, I guess,
Or a trifle more, or a trifle less."
I was anxious to sell at fifty straight,
Or I might have been glad of forty-eight.
Oh, yes, I'm a bit of a bluff, it's true;
What sort of a bluff are you?

"And what do you think of these railroad rates?"
The man with a bald brow said,
"For you have travelled through all the states
And have heard a good deal and read."
"The railroad lines," I wisely replied
"Are the lines with which our trade is tied,
And the wretches who take their rebates set
New knots in the bonds under which we fret."
But, now I remember, I once rode free
And forgot that the road rebated me!
Oh, yes, I'm a bit of a bluff, its true;
How much of a bluff are you?

"You've been to hear 'Siegfried' and found it fine?"
Cried a classical friend one day.
"I'm sure your impressions accord with mine,
But I want your own words and way.
And, oh, "the tone-color beats belief,"
And, oh, "dynamics," and oh, "motif,"
And "chiar-oscura, how finely abstruse,"
And oh, la-la-la, and oh, well, what's the use?
For the only thing I understood in the play
Was that dippy, old dragon of _papier-mache_.
Oh, yes, I'm a bit of a bluff, it's true;
What style of a bluff are you?

"And the senator should, you believe, be returned?"
Said a newspaper-man to me.
"He's as rotten a rascal as ever burned,"
I said. "May I quote?" asked he.
"Oh, no," I replied, "if you're going to quote,
Just remark that his friends are regretting to note
That the exigencies of the party case
Indicate that he shouldn't re-enter the race."
For the senator sometime may possibly be
Interviewed by a newspaper-man about me.
No, none of these cases may quite fit you,
But what sort of a bluff _are_ you?

_Page 88._]

THE CRITICS.

As a matter of fact,
I am sure I can act,
And so,
When I go,
To the show,
Not the art of an Irving
Seems wholly deserving,
And though Booth were the star
He'd have many a jar,
If he heard the critique
Which I frequently speak,
As you
Do,
Too.

Written deep in my heart
Is a knowledge of art,
For why?
I've an eye
Like a die.
And where Raphael's paint
Has bedizened some saint,
I note his perspective
Is sadly defective,
And you? O, I know
When you've looked on Corot
The same
Blame
Came.

And the world would have gained
If my voice had been trained,
For my ear
Is severe,
As I hear
De Reszke and Patti.
(I've heard 'em sing "ratty!")
And the crowd has yelled "Bis!"
When a call for police
Should have shortened the score.
Was there ever a more
Absurd
Word
Heard?

And I feel, now and then,
I could handle a pen,
For indeed,
As I heed
What I read,
I observe many faults;
Homer nods, Shakespere halts,
Dante's sad, Pope is trite,
Poe's mechanic, Holmes light,
Yet so easy to do
Is the thing, even you
Might
Write
Quite
Bright!

PLUG.

As you haven't asked me for advice, I'll give it to you now:
Plug!
No matter who or what you are, or where you are, the how
Is plug.
You may take your dictionary, unabridged, and con it through,
You may swallow the Britannica and all its retinue,
But here I lay it f. o. b.--the only word for you
Is plug.

Are you in the big procession, but away behind the band?
Plug!
On the cobble, or asphaltum, in the mud or in the sand,
Plug!
Oh, you'll hear the story frequently of how some clever man
Cut clean across the country, so that now he's in the van;
You may think that you will do it, but I don't believe you can,
So plug!

_Page 92._]

Are you singing in the chorus? Do you want to be a star?
Plug!
You may think that you're a genius, but I don't believe you are,
So plug!
Oh, you'll hear of this or that one who was born without a name,
Who slept eleven hours a day and dreamed the way to fame,
Who simply couldn't push it off, so rapidly it came!
But plug.

Are you living in the valley? Do you want to reach the height?
Plug!
Where the hottest sun of day is and the coldest stars of night?
Plug!
Oh, it may be you're a fool, but if a fool you want to be,
If you want to climb above the crowd so every one can see
Just how a fool may look when he is at his apogee,
Why, plug!

Can you make a mile a minute? Do you want to make it two?
Plug!
Are you good and up against it? Well, the only thing to do
Is plug.
Oh, you'll find some marshy places, where the crust is pretty thin,
And when you think you're gliding out, you're only sliding in,
But the only thing for you to do is think of this and grin,
And plug.

There's many a word that's prettier that hasn't half the cheer
Of plug.
It may not save you in a day, but try it for a year.
Plug!
And to show you I am competent to tell you what is what,
I assure you that I never yet have made a centre shot,
Which surely is an ample demonstration that I ought
To plug.

FAMILIARITY BREEDS CONTENT.