Chapter III: Part 3

My own ’ouse isn’t my own now. I’m forced to see every one I don’t want to. If there’s any one I can’t bear it’s Fanny Withers. I only asked her yesterday because I thought she’d eat her ’eart out with jealousy. She’s a snob if you like. I don’t know what she wants to come here for at this hour. [_To_ JACK STRAW.] Impostor! Impostor!

JACK STRAW.

You know, upon my word you’re all very ungrateful. I lent an _éclat_ to your party which has found lasting fame in the columns of the local paper. I chatted cordially with the Duchess of St. Erth, I allowed the Bishop of Sheffield to tell me harrowing stories about the immorality of the very best people, and when Count what’s his name....

MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.

Adrian von Bremer--you might trouble to remember the name of your own Ambassador.

JACK STRAW.

And when Count von Bremer came on the scene, and you were all at your wits’ end, I carried the whole thing off in a way which only my native modesty prevents me from describing as superb.

MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.

How he didn’t find you out I don’t know. I was on pins and needles all the time he was here.

_Enter the_ FOOTMAN, _followed by_ MRS. WITHERS.

FOOTMAN.

Mrs. Horton Withers.

[_Exit._

MRS. WITHERS.

Oh, my dear, I had to pop in just to tell you how beautifully everything went off yesterday.

MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.

I’m glad our party had your approval.

JACK STRAW.

How do you do, Mrs. Withers?

MRS. WITHERS.

It’s very good of your Royal Highness to remember me.

JACK STRAW.

It’s one of the specialities of my profession, you know.

MRS. WITHERS.

Are you going to favour us much longer with your presence in the neighbourhood, sir?

JACK STRAW.

If Mrs. Jennings will keep me I don’t propose to make an immediate move.

MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.

My house is at your disposal, sir, as long as you choose to honour it.

JACK STRAW.

Mrs. Jennings is the most amiable hostess. Don’t you think it would be nice if we took a turn in the garden, Mrs. Jennings? I’m sure Lady Wanley would like you to show her your roses.

LADY WANLEY.

Mrs. Jennings was good enough to show them to us yesterday.

JACK STRAW.

We have it on good authority that a thing of beauty is a joy for ever. Mr. Jennings will show them to you again to-day.

PARKER-JENNINGS.

I shall be very proud and ’appy to carry out your Royal Highness’s wishes.

[JACK STRAW _stands at the door for_ LADY WANLEY _and_
PARKER-JENNINGS _to go out_.

JACK STRAW.

[_To_ VINCENT.] Won’t you come?

VINCENT.

Certainly, sir.

[MRS. WITHERS _and_ VINCENT _go out_.

JACK STRAW.

I will join you in one moment. By the way, where is your daughter?

MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.

She’s gone for a walk with Lord Serlo.

JACK STRAW.

Be so good as to tell her the moment she comes in that I should be very grateful if I could see her.

MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.

What about?

JACK STRAW.

She’ll doubtless be able to tell you that herself after our interview.

MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.

I’m not going to do anything of the kind.

JACK STRAW.

You will be so good as to do what I ask, Mrs. Jennings.

[_Exit._

MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.

There, you see he actually orders me about now. I’m beginning to think we shall never get rid of him. I feel that he’ll stay on here always. I can see him growing old under this roof, eating my food and drinking my wine, and sending in his tailor’s bills for Jennings to pay. And it’s all your doing.

HOLLAND.

I’m very sorry. I promise you that.

MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.

What’s the good of being sorry? The only thing you can do is to ’elp us to get rid of ’im. And it’s ruined Ethel’s chances with Serlo. He won’t look at her now.

HOLLAND.

Well, I daresay that’s not much loss.

MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.

I’m only thankful she wouldn’t ’ave anything to do with that man when we thought ’e was an Archduke.

HOLLAND.

Do you know, if I were you I’d let her see him. I have an idea that when he’s had a talk with her he’ll be quite willing to go.

MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.

What do you mean by that?

_Enter_ ETHEL _and_ LORD SERLO.

MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.

[_Very affably._] Has Ethel been taking you for a walk, dear Lord Serlo?

SERLO.

Yes, we’ve been for a little stroll, don’t you know.

MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.

I do ’ope she ’asn’t tired you. She’s such a walker, ain’t you, my dear?

SERLO.

My idea of goin’ for a walk is sitting on a gate, don’t you know.

MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.

And a very good idea too. That’s just what I like myself.

SERLO.

[_Drily._] Change in the wind to-day, isn’t there?

MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.

[_Innocently._] Is there? I didn’t notice it.

[PARKER-JENNINGS _comes in frantically_.

PARKER-JENNINGS.

Maria, he’s cutting all our prize roses for the show and giving them to Fannie Withers.

MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.

Oh!

[_She is just going to bolt out when_ JACK STRAW _appears with a
handful of magnificent roses_.

JACK STRAW.

I say, you haven’t got a basket, have you?

MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.

You--you--you perfect fool!

JACK STRAW.

What have I done now?

MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.

We were going to show those next week at the Crystal Palace.

JACK STRAW.

I thought they were very nice. That’s why it struck me Mrs. Withers might like them.

MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.

[_Snatching them from him._] Oh!

[_She flounces out, followed by_ PARKER-JENNINGS.

JACK STRAW.

[_Coming into the room calmly._] I’m afraid I haven’t done the right thing.

SERLO.

You’ve put your foot right in it this time, old man.

JACK STRAW.

I wish I had that little book of etiquette on me. I wonder if it says anything about prize roses. [_To Ethel._] I haven’t had the pleasure of saying good-morning to you yet.

SERLO.

You know, old man, I don’t want to seem disagreeable, but when Miss Jennings and I went for a walk we had some sort of idea that by the time we came back you’d have hooked it, don’t you know.

JACK STRAW.

My dear Holland, I wonder if you’d do me the service of telling Mrs. Withers that dear Mrs. Jennings is putting the roses into a basket for her.

HOLLAND.

[_Laughing against his will._] It’s not the least use being angry with you, Jack. I’ll go by all means.

[_Exit._

JACK STRAW.

There goes a man of tact. If I were a Sultan I’d make him my Grand Vizier.

[_He looks reflectively, but very pointedly, at_ SERLO.

SERLO.

What are you starin’ at me for?

JACK STRAW.

I was wondering how I could suggest to you with proper delicacy that you might conveniently follow his example.

ETHEL.

I should much prefer Lord Serlo to stay here.

JACK STRAW.

I have matters of some importance to discuss with you.

ETHEL.

I am sure that you have nothing to say that Lord Serlo cannot hear.

JACK STRAW.

Very well, I will make an effort to overcome my customary modesty.

SERLO.

I don’t know where that comes in. You’ve got about the biggest cheek that I’ve ever come across.

JACK STRAW.

To tell you the truth, it has been my only means of livelihood for the last four years.

ETHEL.

What have you to say to me?

JACK STRAW.

Couldn’t you give me a slight smile just to encourage me a little?

ETHEL.

You force me to say what I would rather have left unsaid. I’m horrified that you should be so hatefully cruel. I think it’s infamous that you should lend yourself to a stupid practical joke.

JACK STRAW.

My dear Serlo, won’t you--hook it?

ETHEL.

I want him to stay.

JACK STRAW.

It makes him feel very uncomfortable. He’s full of tact too--I’ll make him a grand vizier--and he’s feeling awfully _de trop_.

SERLO.

You needn’t bother about my feelings so much as all that, you know.

JACK STRAW.

[_To Ethel._] Won’t you hear what I’ve got to say for myself? You don’t think I care twopence about their practical joke? I came here because it was my only chance of seeing you.

ETHEL.

What you’ve done fills me with horror and disgust.

JACK STRAW.

Didn’t you see from the first minute that I was desperately in love with you?

SERLO.

I say, this really is very awkward for me.

JACK STRAW.

You told me not to bother about your feelings.

ETHEL.

[_Unable to prevent a laugh._] You know, you’re too absurd. I know I ought to be very angry with you, but I can’t.

JACK STRAW.

Do you remember what you said to me yesterday?

ETHEL.

No.

JACK STRAW.

Then I’ll remind you. You asked me to go away--because I was a royal personage. Do you still want me to go if I’m only a waiter?

ETHEL.

I might have known that you were laughing at me all the time.

JACK STRAW.

You know, if I had been a royal personage and disguised myself as a waiter in order to be by your side you’d have thought it very romantic. Why should it shock you when it is a waiter who for the same reason assumes the royal personage?

ETHEL.

If you can’t see the difference it’s useless for me to tell you.

JACK STRAW.

Won’t you marry me, Ethel?

SERLO.

I say, I’ve got a good mind to kick you out of the house.

JACK STRAW.

Have you? In that case I can only congratulate myself that I’m the champion amateur boxer in Pomerania.

SERLO.

That complicates matters a bit, don’t it?

JACK STRAW.

Upon my soul, I’ve never made a proposal of marriage under such embarrassing circumstances. [_To_ ETHEL.] Now, my dear, don’t be unreasonable. You practically refused me yesterday because I was an Archduke. You’re not going to refuse me now because I’m nobody in particular?

ETHEL.

[_Frigidly._] And can you give me any reason why I should accept you?

JACK STRAW.

Well, it may have escaped your notice, but there’s the very good reason that you’re just as much in love with me as I am with you.

ETHEL.

I?

JACK STRAW.

Can you honestly deny it? But if you do I shall venture to disbelieve you.

ETHEL.

It’s very easy to convince you. Lord Serlo, you were good enough to tell me yesterday that....

[_She stops with a little tremor of hesitation._

SERLO.

By Jove, d’you mean it?

ETHEL.

[_Smiling._] I mean anything you like.

SERLO.

[_With a low bow._] Mr. Straw, I beg to announce to you my engagement with Miss Ethel Parker-Jennings.

JACK STRAW.

I’m still unconvinced. I’m afraid you’re incorrigibly romantic, my dear, and I’m certain your mamma will be very much annoyed.

ETHEL.

Oh, you are too exasperating. I wish I could make you really angry.

HOLLAND _runs in_.

HOLLAND.

I say, Jack, look out.

JACK STRAW.

What’s the matter?

_Enter_ MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS, _much agitated, and_ PARKER-JENNINGS.

MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.

The game’s up. It’s too late now to do anything.

HOLLAND.

Von Bremer has come again.

PARKER-JENNINGS.

And he’s got some one with him in his motor, who looks suspiciously like a policeman in plain clothes.

MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.

What’s to be done? For ’eaven’s sake, don’t stand there grinning like a Cheshire cat.

ETHEL.

[_Quickly._] You won’t be arrested?

HOLLAND.

Look here, there’s still time for you to get out.

_Enter_ VINCENT.

MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.

Well?

VINCENT.

Lady Wanley’s talking to him. She’ll detain him as long as she can.

MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.

Blessings on her! I’ll forgive ’er everything.

ETHEL.

Oh, please go while you have a chance. I couldn’t bear to see you arrested.

JACK STRAW.

Why should you care?

MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.

Now, look here. You’ve played a nasty trick on me, but you’ve got the cheek of the devil. I don’t want you to get into trouble. I don’t know what there is about you, but I can’t ’elp liking you.

JACK STRAW.

Madam, only the importunate presence of your lord and master prevents me from hurling myself at your feet.

MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.

Oh, don’t talk stuff. I want to ’elp you to get away.

JACK STRAW.

[_With a dramatic gesture._] Madam, my mother’s only son has never fled before a foe. I will stay and face the music.

MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.

I’m not thinking of myself now. If there is a scandal I’m rich enough to make people forget it.

SERLO.

I say, old man, you’d better hook it. England’s no place for you just now.

ETHEL.

[_In an undertone._] If you care for me at all, don’t run this horrible risk.

JACK STRAW.

If you were only pressing me to stay this unanimity would be extremely flattering.

MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.

The man’s mad. The man’s as mad as a March ’are. He ought to be shut up in a lunatic asylum.

JACK STRAW.

I forget if Napoleon was one of my ancestors, but I feel just like him at this moment. “J’y suis, j’y reste.”

SERLO.

In point of fact it was MacMahon who said that.

JACK STRAW.

[_With a noble flourish._] I prefer to think it was Napoleon.

PARKER-JENNINGS.

They’re just strolling along.

MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.

Then it’s too late. And it’s all got to come out before Florrie Withers.

VINCENT.

[_From the window._] I say, Lady Wanley is making him look at the roses.

HOLLAND.

She is a brick; she’s gaining every moment she can.

JACK STRAW.

By the way, talking about roses, have you had that bunch put in a basket that I cut for Mrs. Withers?

MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.

Oh, I should like to take you by the neck and strangle you.

PARKER-JENNINGS.

Look out.

[_They all stop for a moment in a state of breathless expectation._
LADY WANLEY _comes in with_ MRS. WITHERS. _She gasps as she sees_
JACK STRAW.

LADY WANLEY.

Oh, I thought you’d gone.

[_She is immediately followed by_ ADRIAN VON BREMER. JACK STRAW
_goes up to him very cordially_.

JACK STRAW.

Ah, my dear friend, I’ve been expecting you all the morning.

[_They all start. As the scene proceeds there is in every one
increasing astonishment and perplexity._

VON BREMER.

I couldn’t come before. I have only just received the answer to my telegram.

JACK STRAW.

Have you good news for me?

VON BREMER.

The best. The Emperor agrees to all your wishes.

JACK STRAW.

Bless his old head.

VON BREMER.

His Majesty is all eagerness to see you again. He is expecting a letter from you by every post. [_He goes up to_ ETHEL.] Madam, I am commanded by my august master to offer you his most cordial greeting.

ETHEL.

Me?

MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.

I don’t know if I’m standing on my ’ead or my ’eels.

JACK STRAW.

Then nothing remains but for me to make my declaration in due form. Mrs. Jennings, I have my grandfather’s permission to ask you for your daughter’s hand in marriage.

MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.

[_Breaking out._] But the man’s an impostor. He’s no more the Archduke Sebastian than I am.

MRS. WITHERS.

What do you mean?

MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.

Oh, well, if you like you can ’ave it. You were there when it all started. I suppose I got out the wrong side of bed that morning, and when Mrs. Thing-a-magig, the Vicar’s wife, come up to me at the Grand Babylon Hotel, I snubbed her. I’ve been very sorry for it since, and I’ve been punished for it. They knew I was an old snob--like you, Florrie--they thought they’d pay me out. They got one of the waiters from the ’otel to dress up like a gentleman, and they introduced him as the Archduke Sebastian.

MRS. WITHERS.

[_Pointing to_ JACK STRAW.] That?

MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.

Yes, that! He’s a waiter, that’s what he is. And for the last week I’ve been making a perfect fool of myself over ’im.

VON BREMER.

[_Much mystified._] But--I don’t understand. I’ve known the Archduke Sebastian since he was born.

HOLLAND.

You’re mistaken. This person and I were in America together. I lived with him for two years. I don’t know his real name, but he passes under that of Jack Straw.

VON BREMER.

But what you say is absurd. I know him as well as my own son.

MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.

D’you mean to say he really is an Archduke?

VON BREMER.

Of course he is. The only mystery is how he turned up here when we’ve been hunting the whole world for the last four years to find him.

HOLLAND.

But are you the Jack Straw who was with me in the States?

JACK STRAW.

Yes.

LADY WANLEY.

And are you the waiter of the Grand Babylon Hotel?

JACK STRAW.

Yes.

MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.

And are you the Archduke Sebastian of Pomerania?

JACK STRAW.

Yes.

SERLO.

Well, I’m jiggered.

JACK STRAW.

Perhaps you will allow me to explain. Four years ago I fell desperately in love with a lady whose speciality it was to kick higher than any one else in the world. She could kick a man’s tall hat off his head with such grace that I asked her to marry me. My grandfather refused to consent, and the lady was hurried over the frontier. [_With a glance at_ ETHEL.] I was a romantic dog myself in those days, and I followed her, only to find that she had already three more or less lawful husbands. The sight of them, and the conviction that her peculiar talent would not greatly add to the felicity of domestic life, cured me of my passion. But the world did seem a bit hollow and empty, and I thought I’d see how it looked from the point of view of a man who had nothing but his wits to live on. After trying it, I tell you frankly that I much prefer living on the revenues which rise from the strength of arm of my ancestors. When you saw me at the Grand Babylon Hotel I was preparing to return to the bosom of my family, but I saw this young lady, and the chance offering, decided to come down here. It was not unnatural that when I was asked to assume a grandiloquent name I should assume my own. Yesterday, when I met Count von Bremer, I begged him to wire to the Emperor, asking for his consent to my marriage with Miss Ethel Jennings.

VON BREMER.

I have only to add that the Emperor, delighted with the prospect of seeing once more his favourite grandson, has gladly given his consent.

MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.

And when I think of all the things I’ve called you these last few hours....

JACK STRAW.

They went in at the ear of a waiter, Madam, and slipped out at that of an Archduke.

[_He goes up to_ ETHEL.

JACK STRAW.

And now it only rests with you to give peace to an aged Emperor, satisfaction to eighty-one Archdukes, and happiness to your unworthy servant.

ETHEL.

I am engaged to be married to Lord Serlo.

MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.

What! I know nothing about this.

JACK STRAW.

I knew our mamma wouldn’t be pleased.

ETHEL.

The fact remains.

JACK STRAW.

[_Going to_ SERLO.] Now, my dear friend, you’ve got the chance of a lifetime. It’s quite clear to me that there’s only one course open to you. Take the centre of the stage and renounce the lady with all the moving expressions you can think of.

SERLO.

Look here, old man, I don’t think I quite like the way you keep on pulling my leg.

JACK STRAW.

Put a little dignity into it, man.

SERLO.

I may be a blithering ass, but I can see without your tellin’ me that Ethel wouldn’t have had me at any price if she hadn’t wanted to score off you.

JACK STRAW.

Oh, how some men throw away their chances! Strike the pathetic note, old man, or you’re done. When you’ve finished there oughtn’t to be a dry eye in the place.

SERLO.

Well, the fact is--it had entirely slipped my memory at the moment, but I had a letter this morning from the lady’s solicitor to remind me--I happen to be engaged to a young woman who can kick a man’s topper off too.

JACK STRAW.

By Jove, I wonder if it’s the same one.

ETHEL.

Why didn’t you tell me?

SERLO.

Well, you know, it was a bit awk when you--er....

JACK STRAW.

Threw yourself at his head.

ETHEL.

[_To Jack Straw with a smile._] I ought to be very angry with you. You’ve laughed at me all the time. I don’t believe you’ll ever take me seriously. If I really were the romantic creature you say I am, I’d be very dignified and refuse to have anything to do with you at all.

JACK STRAW.

But like all women you’re very sensible at heart, and you’ll do nothing of the kind.

ETHEL.

It’s not because I’m sensible, but because I suppose you were quite right in what you said just now.

JACK STRAW.

Bless you! I’d throw myself down on the floor and implore you to walk on me only I’m convinced you’d take me at my word.

MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.

[_With enormous satisfaction._] I knew he was an Archduke all the time. You can’t deceive a mother.

JACK STRAW.

[_With a start._] There’s one thing I must break to you at once. Pomerania is in some ways still a barbarous country. We have a dreadful law that when a member of the royal family marries a foreigner not of royal blood, his wife’s relations are prohibited from entering it.

MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.

I should like to see any one prohibit me from going to see my own daughter.

JACK STRAW.

My dear lady, it grieves me infinitely to say it, but no sooner had you crossed our frontier than you would be instantly beheaded.

MRS. PARKER-JENNINGS.

Truly, sir, a barbarous country.

THE END.

Typographical errors corrected by the etext transcriber:

I’m so glad that I know you better know=> I’m so glad that I know you better now {pg 70}

takes out her handkerchief, rolls it up ball=> takes out her handkerchief, rolls it up into a ball {pg 124}