Chapter II: Part 2

122. A Gentleman happening to turn up against an House to make Water, did not see two young Ladies looking out of a Window close by him, 'till he heard them giggling, then looking towards them, he asked, what made them so merry? O! Lord, Sir, said one of them, _a very little Thing_ will make us laugh.

123. A Gentleman hearing a Parson preach upon the Story of the Children being devoured by the two _She Bears_, who reviled the old Man, and not much liking his Sermon; some Time after seeing the same Parson come into the Pulpit to preach at another Church: O ho! said he, _What are you here with your_ Bears _again_.

124. A young Fellow riding down a steep Hill, and doubting that the Foot of it was boggish, call'd out to a Clown that was ditching, and ask'd him, if it was hard at the Bottom: Ay, ay, answered the Countryman, it's hard enough at the Bottom I'll warrant you: But in half a Dozen Steps the Horse sunk up to the Saddle Skirts, which made the young Gallant whip, spur, curse and swear, why thou Whoreson Rascal, said he, to the Ditcher, did'st thou not tell me it was hard at Bottom? _Ay_, reply'd the other, _but you are not half Way to the Bottom yet_.

125. It was said of one who remembered every Thing that he lent, but quite forgot what he borrowed, _That he had lost half his Memory_.

126. One speaking of _Titus Oats_, said, he was a Villain in Grain, and deserved to be well _threshed_.

127. It was said of _Henry_, Duke of _Guise_, that he was the greatest Usurer in all _France_, for he had turned all his Estate into _Obligations_, meaning, he had sold and mortgaged his Patrimony, to make Presents to other Men.

128. An _Englishman_ and a _Welchman_ disputing in whose Country was the best Living, said the _Welchman_, there is such noble Housekeeping in _Wales_, that I have known above a Dozen Cooks employ'd at one Wedding Dinner; Ay, answered the _Englishman_, that was because every Man _toasted his own Cheese_.

129. The late Sir _Godfrey Kneller_, had always a very great Contempt, I will not pretend to say how justly, for _J----s_ the Painter, and being one Day about twenty Miles from _London_, one of his Servants told him at Dinner, that there was Mr. _J----s_ come that Day into the same Town with a Coach and four: Ay, said Sir _Godfrey_, but if his Horses _draw_ no better than himself, they'll never carry him to Town again.

130. Some Women speaking of the Pains of Childbirth, for my Part, said one of them, it is less Trouble to me, than to swallow a Poach'd Egg: Then sure, Madam, answer'd another, your _Throat_ is very narrow.

131. A Gentleman asked _Nanny Rochford_, why the Whigs, in their Mourning for Queen _Anne_, all wore Silk Stockings: Because, said she, the Tories _were worsted_.

132. A Counsellor pleading at the Bar with Spectacles on, who was blind with one Eye, said, he would produce nothing but what was _ad Rem_, then said one of the adverse Party, _You must take out one Glass of your Spectacles, which I am sure is of no Use_.

133. The famous _Tom Thynn_, who was remarkable for his good Housekeeping and Hospitality, standing one Day at his Gate in the Country, a Beggar coming up to him, cry'd, he begg'd his Worship would give him a Mugg of his _Small Beer_: Why how now, said he, what Times are these! _when Beggars must be Choosers_. I say, bring this Fellow a Mugg of _Strong Beer_.

134. It was said of a Person, who always eat at _other Peoples Tables_, and was a great _Railer_, that he never opened _his Mouth_ but to some Body's Cost.

135. Pope _Sixtus Quintus_, who was a poor Man's Son, and his Father's House ill thatched, so that the Sun came in at many Places of it, would himself make a Jest of his Birth, and say, _that he was_, Nato di Casa illustre, _Son of an illustrious House_.

136. _Diogenes_ begging, as was the Custom among many Philosophers, asked a _prodigal Man_ for more than any one else: Whereupon one said to him, _I see your Business, that when you find a liberal Mind, you will take most of him_: _No_, said _Diogenes, but I mean to beg of the rest again_.

137. Dr. _Sewel_, and two or three Gentlemen, walking towards _Hampstead_ on a Summer's Day, were met by the famous _Daniel Purcel_, who was very importunate with them to know upon what Account they were going there; the Doctor merrily answering him, _to make Hay_; Very well, reply'd the other, you'll be there at a very convenient Season, the Country wants _Rakes_.

138. A Gentleman speaking of his Servant, said, _I believe I command more than any Man, for before my Servant will obey me in one Thing, I must command him ten Times over_.

139. A poor Fellow that was carrying to Execution had a Reprieve just as he came to the Gallows, and was carried back by a Sheriff's Officer, who told him, he was a happy Fellow, and asked him, if he knew nothing of the Reprieve before-hand; no, reply'd the Fellow, nor thought any more of it, than I did of my _Dying Day_.

140. A _Spanish_ Lady reading, in a _French_ Romance, a long Conversation betwixt two Lovers; _What a deal of Wit_, said she, _is here thrown away, when two Lovers are got together, and no Body by_?

141. A Countryman admiring the stately Fabrick of St. _Paul's_, ask'd, _whether it was made in_ England, or _brought from beyond Sea_?

142. _Fabricus_ the _Roman_ Consul, shew'd a great Nobleness of Mind, when the Physician of King _Pyrrhus_ made him a Proposal to poison his Master, by sending the Physician back to _Pyrrhus_, with these Words; _Learn, O King! to make a better Choice of thy_ Friends _and of thy_ Foes.

143. A Lady, who had generally a pretty many Intrigues upon her Hands, not liking her Brother's extravagant Passion for Play, asked him, when he designed to leave off _Gaming_; when you cease _Loving_, said he; then reply'd the Lady, _you are like to continue a Gamester as long as you live_.

144. A Soldier was bragging before _Julius Cæsar_, of the Wounds he had received in his Face; _Cæsar_, knowing him to be a Coward, told him, he had best take heed, the next Time he ran away, _how he look'd back_.

145. The _Trojans_ sending Ambassadors to condole with _Tiberius_ upon the Death of his Father-in-Law _Augustus_, it was so long after, that the Emperor hardly thought it a Compliment, but told them he was likewise sorry _that they had lost so valiant a Knight_ as Hector, who was slain above a thousand Years before.

146. _Cato Major_ used to say, _That wise Men learned more from_ Fools, _than_ Fools _from wise Men_.

147. A _Braggadochio_ chancing, upon an Occasion, to run away full Speed, was asked by one, what was become of that Courage he used so much to talk of, it is got, said he, _all into my Heels_.

148. Somebody asked my Lord _Bacon_ what he thought of _Poets_, why, said he, I think them the very best Writers next to those who write in Prose.

149. A Profligate young Nobleman, being in Company with some sober People, desired leave to toast the _Devil_; the Gentleman who sat next him, said, he had no Objection to any of his Lordship's Friends.

150. A _Scotsman_ was very angry with an _English_ Gentleman, who, he said, had abused him, and called him _false Scot_; Indeed, said the _Englishman_, I said no such Thing, but that you were a _true Scot_.

151. The late Commissary-General _G--ley_, who once kept a Glass Shop, having General _P--c--k's_ Regiment under a Muster, made great Complaints of the Men's Appearance, &c. and said, _that the Regiment ought to be broke: Then, Sir_, said the Colonel, _perhaps you think a Regiment is as soon broke as a Looking-Glass_.

152. _C----ll_, the Bookseller, being under Examination, at the Bar of the House of Lords, for publishing the Posthumous Works of the late Duke of _Buckingham_, without Leave of the Family, told their Lordships in his Defence, _That if the Duke was_ living, _he was sure he would readily pardon the Offence_.

153. A Gentleman said of a young Wench, who constantly ply'd about the _Temple_, that if she had as much Law in her _Head_, as she had had in her _Tail_, she would be one of the ablest _Counsel_ in _England_.

154. _J--ck K----s_, the Painter, having finish'd a very good Picture of _Figg_ the Prize-Fighter, who had been famous for getting the better of several _Irishmen_ of the same Profession, the Piece was shewn to old _J----n_, the Player, who was told at the same Time, that Mr. _E----s_ designed to have a Mezzo-tinto Print taken from it, but wanted a Motto to be put under it: Then said old _J----n_, I'll give you one: _A Figg for the Irish_.

155. Some Gentlemen going into a noted Bawdy-House Tavern at _Charing-Cross_, found great Fault with the Wine, and sending for the Master of the House, told him, it was sad Stuff, and very _weak_: It may be so, said he, for my Trade don't depend upon the _Strength_ of my _Wine_, but on that of my Tables and Chairs.

156. A Gentleman coming to an Inn in _Smithfield_, and seeing the Hostler expert and tractable about the Horses, asked, _how long he had lived there_? And _What Countryman he was_? _I'se Yerkshire_, said the Fellow, _an ha'_ lived _Sixteen Years here_. I wonder reply'd the Gentleman, that in so long a Time, so clever a Fellow as you seem to be, have not come to be Master of the Inn yourself. Ay, said the Hostler, _But Maister's Yerkshire_ too.

157. The late Colonel _Chartres_, reflecting on his ill Life and Character, told a certain Nobleman, that if such a Thing as a good Name was to be purchased, he would freely give 10,000 Pounds for one; the Nobleman said, _it would certainly be the worst Money he ever laid out in his Life_. Why so, said the honest Colonel, _because_, answered my Lord, _you would forfeit it again in less than a Week_.

158. A seedy [poor] half-pay Captain, who was much given to blabbling every thing he heard, was told, there was but one Secret in the World he could keep, and that was _where he lodged_.

159. _Jack M----n_, going one Day into the Apartments at St. _James's_, found a Lady of his Acquaintance sitting in one of the Windows, who very courteously asked him, to sit down by her, telling him there was a _Place, No, Madam_, said he, _I don't come to Court for a Place_.

If the gentle Reader should have a Desire to repeat this Story let him not make the same Blunder that a certain _English-Irish foolish_ Lord did, who made the Lady ask _Jack_ to sit down by her, telling him there was _room_.

160. A certain Lady of Quality sending her _Irish_ Footman to fetch Home a Pair of new Stays, strictly charged him to take a Coach if it rained for fear of wetting them: But a great Shower of Rain falling, the Fellow returned with the Stays dropping wet, and being severely reprimanded for not doing as he was ordered, he said, he had obey'd his Orders; how then, answered the Lady, could the Stays be wet, if you took them into the Coach with you? _No_, replyed honest Teague, _I knew my Place better, I did not go into the Coach, but rode_ behind _as I always used to do_.

161. _Tom Warner_, the late Publisher of News Papers and Pamphlets, being very near his End, a Gentlewoman in the Neighbourhood sending her Maid to enquire how he did, he had the girl tell her Mistress, _that he hoped he was going to the_ New-Jerusalem; _Ah, dear Sir_, said she, _I dare say the Air of_ Islington _would do you more good_.

162. A Person said the _Scotch_ were certainly the best trained up for Soldiers of any People in the World, for they began to _handle their Arms_ almost as soon as they were born.

163. A Woman once prosecuted a Gentleman for a Rape: Upon the trial, the Judge asked if she made any Resistance, _I cry'd out, an please you my Lord_, said she: _Ay_, said one of the Witnesses, _but that was Nine Months after_.

164. A young Lady who had been married but a short Time, seeing her Husband going to rise pretty early in the Morning, said, _What, my Dear, are you getting up already? Pray, lie_ a little longer and rest yourself. _No, my Dear_, reply'd the Husband, _I'll get up and rest myself_.

165. The Deputies of _Rochel_, attending to speak with _Henry_ the Fourth of _France_, met with a Physician who had renounced the Protestant Religion, and embrac'd the Popish Communion, whom they began to revile most grievously. The King hearing of it, told the Deputies, he advis'd them to change their Religion, _for it is a dangerous Symptom_, says he, _that your religion is not long-liv'd, when a Physician has given it over_.

166. Two _Oxford_ Scholars meeting on the Road with a _Yorkshire_ Ostler, they fell to bantering the Fellow, and told him, they could prove him a Horse, an Ass, and I know not what; and I, said the Ostler, can prove your Saddle to be me a _Mule_: A _Mule!_ cried one of them, how can that be? because, said the Ostler, it is something between a _Horse_ and an _Ass_.

167. A _Frenchman_ travelling between _Dover_ and _London_, came into an Inn to lodge, where the Host perceiving him a close-fisted Cur, having called for nothing but a Pint of Beer and a Pennyworth of Bread to eat with a Sallad he had gathered by the Way, resolved to fit him for it, therefore seemingly paid him an extraordinary Respect, laid him a clean Cloth for Supper, and complimented him with the best Bed in the House. In the Morning he set a good Sallad before him, with Cold Meat, Butter, _&c_., which provok'd the Monsieur to the Generosity of calling for half a Pint of Wine; then coming to pay, the Host gave him a Bill, which, for the best Bed, Wine, Sallad, and other Appurtenances, he had enhanc'd to the Value of twenty Shillings. _Jernie_, says the _Frenchman_, Twenty Shillings! _Vat you mean?_ But all his sputtering was in vain; for the Host with a great deal of Tavern-Elocution, made him sensible that nothing could be 'bated. The Monsieur therefore seeing no Remedy but Patience, seem'd to pay it chearfully. After which he told the Host, that his House being extremely troubled with Rats, he could give him a Receipt to drive 'em away, so as they should never return again. The Host being very desirous to be rid of those troublesome Guests, who were every Day doing him one Mischief or other, at length concluded to give Monsieur twenty Shillings for a Receipt; which done, _Beggar_, says the Monsieur, _you make a de Rat one such Bill as you make me, and if ever dey trouble your House again, me will be hang_.

168. A young Gentleman playing at Questions and Commands with some very pretty young Ladies, was commanded to take off a Garter from one of them; but she, as soon as he had laid hold of her Petticoats, ran away into the next Room, where was a Bed, now, Madam, said he, I _bar_ squeaking, _Bar_ the Door, you Fool, cry'd she.

169. A _Westminster_ Justice taking Coach in the City, and being set down at _Young Man's_ Coffee-house, _Charing-Cross_, the Driver demanded Eighteen-Pence as his Fare; the Justice asked him, if he would swear that the Ground came to the Money; the Man said, he would take his Oath on't. The Justice replyed, _Friend, I am a Magistrate_, and pulling a Book out of his Pocket, administer'd the Oath, and then gave the Fellow _Six-pence_, saying _he must reserve the Shilling to himself for the_ Affidavit.

170. A Countryman passing along the _Strand_ saw a Coach overturn'd, and asking what the Matter was? He was told, that three or four Members of Parliament were overturned in that Coach: Oh, says he, there let them lie, _my Father always advis'd me not to meddle with State Affairs_.

171. One saying that Mr. _Dennis_ was an excellent Critick, was answered, that indeed his Writings were much to be valued; for that by his Criticism he taught Men how to write well, and by his Poetry, shew'd 'em what it was to write ill; so that the World was sure to edify by him.

172. One going to see a Friend who had lain a considerable Time in the _Marshalsea_ Prison, in a Starving Condition, was persuading him, rather than lie there in that miserable Case, to go to Sea; which not agreeing with his high Spirit, _I thank you for your Advice_, replies the Prisoner, _but if I go to Sea, I'm resolv'd it shall be upon good Ground_.

173. A Drunken Fellow carrying his Wife's Bible to pawn for a Quartern of Gin, to an Alehouse, the Man of the House refused to take it. What a Pox, said the Fellow, will neither my Word, nor the Word of G--d pass?

174. A certain Justice of Peace, not far from _Clerkenwell_, in the first Year of King _George_ I. when his Clerk was reading a Mittimus to him, coming to _Anno Domini_ 1714, cry'd out, with some warmth, and _why not Georgeo Domini, sure, Sir, you forget yourself strangely_.

175. A certain Noblem--, a Cour--r, in the Beginning of the late Reign, coming out of the H--se of L--ds, accosts the Duke of _B--ham_, with, _How does your Pot boil, my Lord, these troublesome Times?_ To which his Grace replied, I never go into my Kitchen, but I dare say the _Scum is uppermost_.

176. A little dastardly half-witted 'Squire, being once surpriz'd by his Rival in his Mistress's Chamber, of whom he was terribly afraid, desir'd for God's Sake to be conceal'd; but there being no Closet or Bed in the Room, nor indeed any Place proper to hold him, but an _India_ Chest the Lady put her Cloathes in, they lock'd him in there. His Man being in the same Danger with himself, said, rather than fail, he cou'd creep under the Maid's Petticoats: _Oh, you silly Dog_, says his Master, _that's the commonest Place in the House_.

177. The Lord _N----th_ and _G----y_, being once at an Assembly at the _Theatre-Royal_ in the _Hay-Market_, was pleas'd to tell Mr. _H--d--gg--r_, he wou'd make him a Present of 100_l._ if he could produce an uglier Face in the whole Kingdom than his, the said _H--d--gg--r_'s, within a Year and a Day: Mr. _H--d--gg--r_ went instantly and fetch'd a Looking-Glass, and presented it to his Lordship, saying, _He did not doubt but his Lordship had Honour enough to keep his Promise_.

178. A young Fellow praising his Mistress before a very amorous Acqaintance of his, after having run thro' most of her Charms, he came at Length to her Majestick Gate, fine Air, and delicate slender Waist: _Hold_, says his Friend, _go no lower, if you love me_; but by your Leave, says the other, _I hope to go lower if she loves me_.

179. A Person who had an unmeasurable Stomach, coming to a Cook's Shop to dine, said, it was not his Way to have his Meat cut, but to pay 8_d._ for his _Ordinary_; which the Cook seem'd to think reasonable enough, and so set a Shoulder of Mutton before him, of half a Crown Price, to cut where he pleas'd; with which he so play'd the Cormorant, that he devour'd all but the Bones, paid his _Ordinary_, and troop'd off. The next Time he came, the Cook casting a Sheep's Eye at him, desired him to agree for his Victuals, for he'd have no more _Ordinaries_. Why, a Pox on you, says he, _I'm sure I paid you an_ Ordinary _Price_.

180. The extravagant Duke of _Buckingham [Villars]_ once said in a melancholy Humour, he was afraid he should _die a Beggar_, which was the most terrible Thing in the World; upon which a Friend of his Grace's replyed, No, my Lord, there is a more terrible Thing than that, and which you have Reason to fear, and that is, _that you'll live a Beggar_.

181. The same Duke another Time was making his Complaint to Sir _John Cutler_, a rich Miser, of the Disorder of his Affairs, and asked him, what he should do to prevent the Ruin of his Estate? _Live as I do, my Lord_, said Sir _John: That I can do_, answered the Duke, _when I am_ ruined.

182. At another Time, a Person who had long been a Dependant on his Grace, begged his Interest for him at Court, and to press the Thing more home upon the Duke, said, _He had no Body to depend on but God and his Grace; then_, says the Duke, _you are in a miserable Way, for you could not have pitch'd upon any two Persons who have less Interest at Court_.

183. The old Lord _Strangford_ taking a Bottle with the Parson of the Parish, was commending his own Wine: _Here, Doctor_, says he, _I can send a couple of Ho--Ho--Ho--Hounds to_ France (for his Lordship had an Impediment in his Speech) _and have a Ho--Ho--Ho--Hogshead of this Wi--Wi--Wi--Wine for 'em; What do you say to that, Doctor? Why_, I say, _your Lordship has your Wine-Dog-cheap_.

184. The famous _Jack Ogle_ of facetious Memory, having borrow'd on Note five Pounds and failing the Payment, the Gentleman who had lent it, indiscreetly took Occasion to talk of it in the Publick Coffee-house which oblig'd _Jack_ to take Notice of it, so that it came to a Challenge. Being got into the Field, the Gentleman a little tender in Point of Courage, offer'd him the Note to make the Matter up; to which our Hero consented readily, and had the Note delivered: _But now_, said the Gentleman, _If we should return without fighting, our Companions will laugh at us; therefore let's give one another a slight Scar, and say we wounded one another; with all my Heart_, says _Jack; Come, I'll wound you first_; so drawing his Sword, he whipt it thro' the fleshy Part of his Antagonist's Arm, 'till he brought the very Tears in his Eyes. This being done, and the Wound ty'd up with a Handkerchief; Come, says the Gentleman, _now where shall I wound you_? _Jack_ putting himself in a fighting Posture, cried, _Where you can, B----d Sir; Well, well_, says the other, _I can swear I received this Wound of you_, and so march'd off contentedly.

185. A Traveller at an Inn once on a very cold Night, stood so near the Fire that he burnt his Boots: An arch Rogue that sat in the Chimney-Corner, call'd out to him, _Sir, you'll burn your Spurs presently_: _My Boots you mean, I suppose_: _No Sir,_ says he, _they are burnt already_.

186. In Eighty-Eight, when Queen _Elizabeth_ went from _Temple-Bar_ along _Fleet-street_, on some Procession, the Lawyers were rang'd on one Side of the Way, and the Citizens on the other; says the Lord _Bacon_, then a Student, to a Lawyer, that stood next him, _Do but observe the Courtiers; if they bow first to the Citizens, they are in Debt; if to us, they are in Law_.

187. Some Gentlemen having a Hare for Supper at the Tavern, the Cook, instead of a Pudding, had cramm'd the Belly full of _Thyme_, but had not above half roasted the Hare, the Legs being almost raw; which one of the Company observing said, _There was too much Thyme, or Time, in the Belly, and too little in the Legs._

188. Two Countrymen who had never seen a Play in their Lives, nor had any Notion of it, went to the Theatre in _Drury-Lane_, when they placed themselves snug in the Corner of the Middle-Gallery; the first Musick play'd, which they lik'd well enough; then the Second, and the Third to their great Satisfaction: At Length the Curtain drew up, and three or four Actors enter'd to begin the Play; upon which one of them cry'd to the other, _Come_, Hodge, _let's be going, ma'haps the Gentlemen are talking about Business_.

189. A Countryman sowing his Ground, two smart Fellows riding that Way, call'd to him with an insolent Air: _Well, honest Fellow_, says one of them, _'tis your Business to sow, but we reap the Fruits of your Labour_; to which the plain Countryman reply'd, _'Tis very likely you may, truly, for I am sowing_ Hemp.

190. Two inseparable Comrades, who rode in the Guards in _Flanders_, had every Thing in common between them. One of them being a very extravagant Fellow, and unfit to be trusted with Money, the other was always Purse-bearer, which yet he gain'd little by, for the former would at Night frequently pick his Pocket to the last _Stiver_; to prevent which he bethought himself of a Stratagem, and coming among his Companions the next Day, he told them _he had bit his Comrade_. _Ay, how?_ says they. _Why_, says he, _I hid my Money in his own Pocket last Night, and I was sure he would never look for it there_.

191. The famous Sir _George Rook_, when he was a Captain of _Marines_, quarter'd at a Village where he buried a pretty many of his Men: At length the Parson refus'd to perform the Ceremony of their Internment any more, unless he was paid for it, which being told Captain _Rook_, he ordered Six Men of his Company to carry the Corpse of the Soldier, then dead, and lay him upon the Parson's Hall-Table. This so embarass'd the Parson, that he sent the Captain Word, _If he'd fetch the Man away, he'd bury him and his whole Company for nothing_.

192. A reverend and charitable Divine, for the Benefit of the Country where he resided, caused a large Causeway to be begun: As he was one Day overlooking the Work, a certain Nobleman came by, _Well_, Doctor, says he, _for all your great Pains and Charity, I don't take this to be the Highway to Heaven: Very true, my Lord_, replied the Doctor, _for if it had, I shou'd have wondered to have met your Lordship here_.

193. Two Jesuits having pack'd together an innumerable Parcel of miraculous Lies, a Person who heard them, without taking upon him to contradict them, told 'em one of his own: That at St. _Alban_'s, there was a Stone Cistern, in which Water was always preserv'd for the Use of that Saint; and that ever since, if a Swine shou'd eat out of it, he wou'd instantly die: The Jesuits, hugging themselves at the Story, set out the next Day to St. _Alban_'s, where they found themselves miserably deceived: On their Return, they upbraided the Person with telling them so monstrous a Story; _Look ye there now_, said he, _you told me a hundred Lies t'other Night, and I had more Breeding than to contradict you, I told you but one, and you have rid twenty Miles to confute me, which is very uncivil_.

194. A _Welchman_ and an _Englishman_ vapouring one Day at the Fruitfulness of their Countries; the _Englishman_ said, there was a Close near the Town where he was born, which was so fertile, that if a _Kiboo_ was thrown in over Night, it would be so cover'd with Grass, that 'twould be difficult to find it the next Day; _Splut_, says the _Welchman, what's that_? _There's a Close where hur was born, where you may put your Horse in over Night, and not be able to find him next Morning._

195. A Country Fellow in King _Charles_ the IId's. Time, selling his Load of Hay in the _Haymarket_, two Gentlemen who came out of the _Blue-Posts_, were talking of Affairs; one said, that Things did not go right, the King had been at the House and prorogued the Parliament. The Countryman coming Home, was ask'd what News in _London_? _Odsheart_, says he, _there's something to do there; the King, it seems, has_ berogued _the Parliament sadly_.

196. A wild young Gentleman having married a very discreet, virtuous young Lady; the better to reclaim him, she caused it to be given out at his Return, that she was dead, and had been buried: In the mean Time, she had so plac'd herself in Disguise, as to be able to observe how he took the News; and finding him still the same gay inconstant Man he always had been, she appear'd to him as the Ghost of herself, at which he seemed not at all dismay'd: At length disclosing herself to him, he then appear'd pretty much surpriz'd: a Person by said, _Why, Sir, you seem more afraid now than before; Ay_, replied he, _most Men are more afraid of a living Wife, than a dead one_.

197. An under Officer of the Customs at the Port of _Liverpool_, running heedlessly along a Ship's Gunnel, happened to tip over-board, and was drown'd; being soon after taken up, the Coroner's Jury was summoned to sit upon the Body. One of the Jury-Men returning home, was call'd to by an Alderman of the Town, and ask'd what Verdict they brought in, and whether they found it _Felo de se: Ay, ay_, says the Jury-Man shaking his Noddle, _he fell into the Sea, sure enough_.

198. One losing a Bag of Money of about 50_l._ between _Temple-Gate_ and _Temple-Bar_, fix'd a Paper up, offering 10_l._ Reward to those who took it up, and should return it: Upon which the Person that had it came and writ underneath to the following Effect, _Sir, I thank you, but you bid me to my Loss_.

199. Two brothers coming to be executed once for some enormous Crime; the Eldest was first turn'd off, without saying one Word: The other mounting the Ladder, began to harangue the Crowd, whose Ears were attentively open to hear him, expecting some Confession from him, _Good People_, says he, _my Brother hangs before my Face, and you see what a lamentable_ Spectacle _he makes; in a few Moments, I shall be turned off too, and then you'll see a Pair of_ Spectacles.

200. It was an usual saying of King _Charles_ II. _That Sailors get their Money like Horses, and spent it like Asses_; the following Story is somewhat an instance of it: One Sailor coming to see another on Pay-day, desired to borrow twenty Shillings of him; the money'd Man fell to telling out the Sum in Shillings, but a Half-Crown thrusting its Head in, put him out, and he began to tell again, but then an impertinent Crown-piece was as officious as it's half Brother had been, and again interrupted the Tale; so that taking up a Handful of Silver, he cry'd, _Here_, Jack, _give me a Handful when your Ship's paid, what a Pox signifies counting it_.

201. A Person enquiring what became of _such a One_? _Oh! dear_, says one of the Company, _poor fellow, he dy'd insolvent, and was buried by the Parish: Died in solvent_, crys another, _that's a Lie, for he died in_ England, _I'm sure I was at his Burying_.

202. A humorous Countryman having bought a Barn, in Partnership with a Neighbour of his, neglected to make the least Use of it, whilst the other had plentifully stor'd his Part with Corn and Hay: In a little Time the latter came to him, and conscientiousily expostulated with him upon laying out his Money so fruitlessly: _Pray Neighbour_, says he, _ne'er trouble your Head, you may do what you will with your Part of the Barn, but I'll set mine o' Fire_.

203. An _Irishman_ whom King _Charles_ II. had some Esteem for, being only an inferior Servant of the Household, one Day coming into the King's Presence, his Majesty ask'd him how his Wife did, who had just before been cut for a _Fistula_ in her Backside. _I humbly thank your Majesty_, replied Teague, _she's like to do well, but the Surgeon says, it will be an Eye-Sore as long as she lives_.

204. A young Gentlewoman who had married a very wild Spark, that had run through a plentiful Fortune, and was reduced to some Streights, was innocently saying to him one Day, _My Dear, I want some Shifts sadly_. _Shifts, Madam_, replies he, _D---- me, how can that be, when we make so many every Day?_

205. A Fellow once standing in the Pillory at _Temple-Bar_, it occasioned a Stop, so that a Carman with a Load of Cheeses had much ado to pass, and driving just up to the Pillory, he asked what that was that was writ over the Person's Head: They told him, it was a Paper to signify his Crime, that he stood for _Forgery_: Ay, says he, what is _Forgery_? They answered him, that _Forgery_ was counterfeiting another's Hand, with Intent to cheat People: To which the Carman replied, looking up at the Offender, Ah, Pox! this comes of your Writing and Reading, you silly Dog.

206. Master _Johnny_ sitting one Summer's Evening on the Green with his Mother's Chamber-maid, among other little Familiarities, as kissing, pressing her Bubbies and the like, took the Liberty unawares to satisfy himself whereabouts she ty'd her Garters, and by an unlucky Slip went farther than he should have done: At which the poor Creature blushing, cry'd, _Be quiet, Mr._ John, _I'll throw this Stone at your Head, else_. _Ay, Child_, says he, _and I'll fling two at your Tail if you do_.

207. When the Prince of _Orange_ came over, Five of the Seven Bishops who were sent to the Tower declar'd for his Highness, and the other Two would not come into Measures; upon which Mr. _Dryden_ said, _that the_ seven Golden Candlesticks _were sent to be essay'd in the_ Tower, _and five of them prov'd_ Prince'_s Metal_.

208. A Dog coming open-mouth'd at a Serjeant upon a March, he run the Spear of his Halbert into his Throat and kill'd him: The Owner coming out rav'd extreamly that his Dog was kill'd, and ask'd the Serjeant, _Why, he could not as well have struck at him with the blunt End of his Halbert?_ _So I would_, says he, _if he had run at me with his Tail_.

209. King Charles the IId. being in Company with the Lord _Rochester_, and others of the Nobility, who had been drinking the best Part of the Night, _Killegrew_ came in; Now, says the King, we shall hear of our Faults: _No, Faith_, says _Killegrew, I don't care to trouble my Head with that which all the Town talks of_.

210. A rich old Miser finding himself very ill, sent for a Parson to administer the last Consolation of the Church to him: Whilst the Ceremony was performing, old _Gripewell_ falls into a Fit; on his Recovery the Doctor offered the Chalice to him; _Indeed_, crys he, _I can't afford to lend you above twenty Shillings upon't, I can't upon my Word_.

211. A Person who had a chargeable Stomach, used often to asswage his Hunger at a Lady's Table, having one Time or other promis'd to help her to a Husband. At length he came to her, _Now Madam_, says he, _I have brought you a Knight, a Man of Worship and Dignity, one that will furnish out a Table well_. _Phoo_, says the Lady, _your Mind's ever running on your Belly_; _No_, says he, _'tis sometimes running o'yours you see_.

212. One, who had been a very termagant Wife, lying on her Death-bed, desired her Husband, _That as she had brought him a Fortune she might have Liberty to make her Will, for bestowing a few Legacies to her Relations: No, by G--d, Madam_, says he, _You had your Will, all your Life-time, and now I'll have mine_.

213. When the Lord _Jefferies_, before he was a Judge, was pleading at the Bar once, a Country Fellow giving Evidence against his Client, push'd the Matter very home on the Side he swore of; _Jefferies_, after his usual Way, call'd out to the Fellow, _Hark you, you Fellow in the Leather-Doublet, what have you for swearing?_ To which the Countryman smartly reply'd, _Faith, Sir, if you have no more for Lying than I have for Swearing, you may go in a Leather Doublet too_.

214. The same _Jefferies_ afterwards on the Bench, told an old Fellow with a long Beard, that _he supposed he had a Conscience as long as his Beard: Does your Lordship_, replies the old Man, _measure Consciences by Beards? if so, your Lordship has no Beard at all._

215. _Apelles_, the famous Painter, having drawn the Picture of _Alexander_ the Great on Horseback, brought it and presented it to that Prince, but he not bestowing that Praise on it, which so excellent a Piece deserv'd, _Apelles_ desired a living Horse might be brought; who mov'd by Nature fell a prancing and neighing, as tho' it had actually been his living Fellow-Creature; whereupon _Apelles_ told _Alexander, his Horse understood Painting better than himself_.

216. An old Gentleman who had married a fine young Lady, and being terribly afraid of Cuckoldom, took her to Task one Day, and ask'd her, if she had considered what a crying Sin it was in a Woman to cuckold her Husband? _Lord, my Dear_, says she, _what d'ye mean? I never had such a Thought in my Head, nor never will_: _No, no_, replied he, _I shall have it in my Head, you'll have it some where else_.

217. The late Lord _Dorset_, in a former Reign, was asking a certain Bishop, _why he conferr'd Orders on so many Blockheads_. _Oh, my Lord_, says he, 'tis better the Ground should be plowed _by Asses, than lie quite untill'd_.

218. A certain Lady, to excuse herself for a Frailty she had lately fallen into, said to an intimate Friend of hers, _Lord, how is it possible for a Woman to keep her Cabinet unpickt, when every Fellow has got a Key to it_.

219. Mr. _Dryden_, once at Dinner, being offered by a Lady the Rump of a Fowl, and refusing it, the Lady said, Pray, Mr. _Dryden_, take it, the Rump is the best Part of the _Fowl_; Yes, Madam, says he, and so I think it is of the _Fair_.

220. A Company of Gamesters falling out at a Tavern, gave one another very scurvy Language: At length those dreadful Messengers of Anger, the Bottles and Glasses flew about like Hail-Shot; one of which mistaking it's Errand, and hitting the Wainscot, instead of the Person's Head it was thrown at, brought the Drawer rushing in, who cry'd, _D'ye call Gentlemen?_ _Call Gentlemen_, says one of the Standers by; _no they don't call_ Gentlemen, _but they call one another_ Rogue _and_ Rascal, _as fast as they can_.

221. An amorous young Fellow making very warm Addresses to a marry'd Woman, _Pray, Sir, be quiet_, said she, _I have a Husband that won't thank you for making him a Cuckold_: _No Madam_, reply'd he, _but you will I hope_.

222. One observing a crooked Fellow in close Argument with another, who would have dissuaded him from some inconsiderable Resolution; said to his Friend, _Prithee, let him alone, and say no more to him, you see he's_ bent _upon it_.

223. Bully _Dawson_ was overturned in a Hackney-Coach once, pretty near his Lodgings, and being got on his Legs again, he said, 'Twas the greatest Piece of Providence that ever befel him, for it had saved him the Trouble of bilking the Coachman.

224. A vigorous young Officer, who made Love to a Widow, coming a little unawares upon her once, caught her fast in his Arms. _Hey day_, say she, _what do you fight after the_ French _Way: take Towns before you declare War?_ No, faith, Widow says he, but I should be glad to imitate them so far, to be in the Middle of the Country before you could resist me.

225. Sir _Godfrey Kneller_, and the late Dr. _Ratcliffe_, had a Garden in common, but with one Gate: Sir _Godfrey_, upon some Occasion, ordered the Gate to be nail'd up; when the Doctor heard of it, he said, _He did not Care what Sir_ Godfrey _did to the Gate, so he did not paint it_. This being told Sir _Godfrey_, he replied, _He would take that, or any Thing from his good Friend, the Doctor, but his Physick_.

226. The same Physician, who was not the humblest Man in the World, being sent for by Sir _Edward Seymour_, who was said to be the proudest; the Knight received him, while he was dressing his Feet and picking his Toes, being at that Time troubled with a _Diabetis_, and upon the Doctor's entering the Room, accosted him in this Manner, _So Quack_, said he, _I'm a dead Man, for I piss sweet_; _Do ye_, replied the Doctor, _then prithee piss upon your Toes, for they stink damnably_: And so turning round on his Heel went out of the Room.

227. A certain worthy Gentleman having among his Friends the Nickname of _Bos_, which was a Kind of Contraction of his real Name, when his late Majesty conferred the Honour of Peerage upon him, a Pamphlet was soon after published with many sarcastical Jokes upon him, and had this Part of a Line from _Horace_ as a Motto, _viz._

----_Optat Ephippia Bos_----

My Lord asked a Friend, who could read _Latin_, what that meant? It is as much as to say, my Lord, said he, that you become _Honours as a Sow does a Saddle_. O! very fine, said my Lord: Soon after another Friend coming to see him, the Pamphlet was again spoken of, I would, said my Lord, give five hundred Pounds to know the Author of it. I don't know the Author of the Pamphlet, said his Friend, but I know who wrote the Motto; Ay, cry'd my Lord, _prithee who was it? Horace_, answered the other: _How_, replied his Lordship, _a dirty Dog, that his Return for all the Favours I have done him and his Brother_.

228. A wild Gentleman having pick'd up his own Wife for a Mistress, the Man, to keep his Master in Countenance, got to Bed to the Maid too. In the Morning, when the Thing was discovered, the Fellow was obliged, in Attonement for his Offence, to make the Girl amends by marrying her; _Well_, says he, _little did my Master and I think last Night, that we were robbing our own Orchards_.

229. One seeing a kept Whore, who made a very great Figure, ask'd, what Estate she had? _Oh_, says another, _a very good Estate in_ Tail.

230. In the great Dispute between _South_ and _Sherlock_, the former, who was a great Courtier, said, His Adversary reasoned well, but he Bark'd like a Cur: To which the other reply'd, That Fawning was the Property of a Cur, as well as Barking.

231. Second Thoughts, we commonly say, are best; and young Women who pretend to be averse to Marriage, desire not to be taken at their Words. One asking a Girl, _if she would have him?_ _Faith, no_, John, says she, _but you may have me if you will_.

232. A Gentleman lying on his Death-Bed, called to his Coachman, who had been an old Servant, and said, _Ah!_ Tom, _I'm going a long rugged Journey, worse than ever you drove me? Oh, dear Sir_, reply'd the Fellow (he having been but an indifferent Master to him), _ne'er let that discourage you, for it is all down Hill_.

233. An honest bluff Country Farmer, meeting the Parson of the Parish in a By-Lane, and not giving him the Way so readily as he expected, the Parson, with an erected Crest, told him, _He was better fed than taught: Very likely indeed Sir_, reply'd the Farmer: _For you teach me and I feed myself_.

234. A famous Teacher of _Arithmetick_, who had long been married without being able to get his Wife with Child: One said to her, Madam, your Husband is an excellent _Arithmetician_. Yes, replies she, only he can't _multiply_.

235. One making a furious Assault upon a hot Apple-pye, burnt his Mouth 'till the Tears ran down; his Friend asked him, _Why he wept?_ _Only_, says he, _'tis just come into my Mind, that my Grand-mother dy'd this Day twelvemonth_: _Phoo!_ says the other, _is that all?_ So whipping a large Piece into his Mouth, he quickly sympathiz'd with his Companion; who seeing his Eyes brim full, with a malicious Sneer ask'd him, _why he wept?_ _A Pox on you_, says he, _because you were not hanged the same Day your Grand-mother dy'd_.

236. A Lady who had married a Gentleman that was a tolerable Poet, one Day sitting alone with him, she said, Come, my Dear, you write upon other People, prithee write something for me; let me see what Epitaph you'll bestow upon me when I die: Oh, my Dear, reply'd he, that's a melancholy Subject, prithee don't think of it: Nay, upon my Life you shall, adds she,----Come, I'll begin,

----_Here lies_ Bidd:

To which he answer'd, _Ah! I wish she did_.

237. A Cowardly Servant having been hunting with his Lord, they had kill'd a wild Boar; the Fellow seeing the Boar stir, betook himself to a Tree; upon which his Master call'd to him, and asked him, _what he was afraid of the Boar's Gut's were out?_ _No matter for that_, says he, _his Teeth are in_.

238. One telling another that he had once so excellent a Gun that it went off immediately upon a Thief's coming into the House, altho' it wasn't charged: _How the Devil can that be?_ said t'other: _Because_, said the First, _the Thief_ carry'd _it off, and what was worse, before I had Time to_ charge _him with it_.

239. Some Gentlemen coming out of a Tavern pretty merry, a Link-Boy cry'd, _Have a Light, Gentlemen?_ _Light yourself to the Devil, you Dog_, says one of the Company: _Bless you, Master_, reply'd the Boy, _we can find the Way in the Dark; shall we light your Worship thither_.

240. A Person was once try'd at _Kingston_ before the late Lord Chief Justice _Holt_, for having two Wives, where one _Unit_ was to have been the chief Evidence against him: After much calling for him, Word was brought that they could hear nothing of him. _No_, says his Lordship, _why then, all I can say, is, Mr._ Unit _stands for a_ Cypher.

241. 'Tis certainly the most transcendent Pleasure to be agreeably surpriz'd with the Confession of Love, from an ador'd Mistress. A young Gentleman, after a very great Misfortune came to his Mistress, and told her, He was reduc'd even to the want of five Guineas: To which she replied, _I am glad of it with all my Heart_: Are you so, Madam, adds he, suspecting her Constancy: Pray, why so? _Because_, says she, _I can furnish you with five Thousand_.

242. On a Publick Night of Rejoicing, when Bonefires and Illuminations were made, some honest Fellows were drinking the King's Health and Prosperity to _England, as long as the Sun and Moon endured_: Ay, says one, and 500 Years after, _for I have put both my Sons Apprentices to a Tallow-Chandler_.

243. A young Fellow who had made an End of all he had, even to his last Suit of Cloathes; one said to him, Now I hope, you'll own yourself a happy Man, for you have made an End of all your Cares: How so, said the Gentleman; _Because_, said the other, _you've nothing left to take care of_.

244. Some years ago, when his Majesty used to hunt frequently in _Richmond-Park_, it brought such Crowds of People thither, that Orders were given to admit none, when the King was there himself, but the Servants of the Household. A fat Country Parson having, on one of these Days a strong Inclination to make one of the Company, Captain _B-d-ns_, promised to introduce him, but coming to the Gate, the Keepers would have stopp'd him, by telling him, none but the Houshold were to be admitted: Why, d--mn you, said the Captain, don't you know the Gentleman? _He's his Majesty's Hunting-Chaplain_: Upon which the Keepers asked Pardon, and left the reverend Gentleman to Recreation.

245. The learned Mr. _Charles Barnard_, Serjeant Surgeon to Queen _Anne_, being very severe upon _Parsons_ having _Pluralities_. A reverend and worthy Divine heard him a good while with Patience, but at length took him up with this Question, _Why do you Mr. Serjeant_ Barnard _rail thus at_ Pluralities, _who have always so many_ Sine-Cures _upon your own Hands_?

246. Dr. _Lloyd_, Bishop of _Worcester_, so eminent for his _Prophesies_, when by his Sollicitations and Compliance at Court, he got removed from a poor _Welch_ Bishoprick to a rich _English_ one. A reverend Dean of the Church said, _That he found his Brother_ Lloyd _spelt Prophet with an_ F[2].

[2] Most of the Clergy follow this Spelling.

247. A worthy old Gentleman in the Country, having employ'd an Attorney, of whom he had a pretty good Opinion, to do some Law Business for him in _London_, he was greatly surprized on his coming to Town, and demanding his Bill of Law Charges, to find that it amounted to at least three Times the Sum he expected; the honest Attorney assured him, that there was no Article in his Bill, but what was _fair and reasonable_: Nay, said the Country Gentleman, here is one of them I am sure cannot be so, for you have set down three Shillings and four Pence for going to _Southwark_, when none of my Business lay that Way; pray what is the Meaning of that Sir; _Oh! Sir_, said he, _that was for fetching the_ Chine _and_ Turkey _from the Carriers, that you sent me for a_ Present, _out of the Country_.

_FINIS._