Chapter I: Part 1

KING ARTHUR'S SOCKS AND OTHER VILLAGE PLAYS

BY FLOYD DELL

PREFATORY NOTE

These plays, with one exception, were written in Greenwich Village, and, with another exception, first performed there--some at the old Liberal Club, and others by the Provincetown Players. They are souvenirs of an intellectual play-time which, being dead, deserves some not-too-solemn memorial.

F. D.

CONTENTS

HUMAN NATURE: A Very Short Morality Play,

THE CHASTE ADVENTURES OF JOSEPH: A Comedy,

THE ANGEL INTRUDES: A Comedy,

LEGEND: A Romance,

SWEET-AND-TWENTY: A Comedy,

A LONG TIME AGO: A Tragic Fantasy,

ENIGMA: A Domestic Conversation,

IBSEN REVISITED: A Piece of Foolishness,

KING ARTHUR'S SOCKS: A Comedy,

THE RIM OF THE WORLD: A Fantasy,

POOR HAROLD: A Comedy,

HUMAN NATURE

A VERY SHORT MORALITY PLAY

TO ARTHUR DAVISON FICKE

This is a much changed version of "A Five Minute Problem Play," originally given at the Liberal Club, New York City, in 1913.

_Boundless blue space. Two celestial figures stand in front of it, talking. One of them carries a pointer, such as is used in class-room demonstrations at the blackboard. The other has a red-covered guidebook under his arm_.

THE FIRST CELESTIAL FIGURE (_the one with the pointer_) Well, I think that is all. You've seen everything now.

THE SECOND CELESTIAL FIGURE (_the One With the guidebook_) It has all been very interesting, and I don't know how to thank you for the trouble you've taken.

THE FIRST CELESTIAL FIGURE. Don't mention it. That's my business, you know--to show young and curious Spirits what there is to see in the universe. And I must say that you've been an exceptionally patient pupil. I don't usually take as much time with youngsters as I have with you. But when I find someone as interested in the universe as you are, I don't mind spending a few more eons on the job. We've been all around, this trip. I don't believe we've missed anything of any importance. But if there is anything else you can think of that you'd like to see--

THE SECOND CELESTIAL FIGURE. (_hesitantly_) Well, there is one place . . . It's only mentioned in a footnote in the guide-book, but for that very reason I thought perhaps--

THE FIRST CELESTIAL FIGURE. You have the right attitude. There's nothing too small or insignificant to know about. Do you remember the name of the place?

THE SECOND CELESTIAL FIGURE. No, but--(_He turns the leaves of the guide-book_.) Here it is. (_He holds the book closer so as to read the fine print at the bottom of the page_.) Earth, it's called.

THE FIRST CELESTIAL FIGURE. Ah, yes, there is such a place. . . .

THE SECOND CELESTIAL FIGURE. The guide-book doesn't give any information about it. Just mentions its name.

THE FIRST CELESTIAL FIGURE. Well, there isn't very much to say about it. After what you've seen, you wouldn't be impressed by its art or its architecture, . . . Still, it has one curious feature that perhaps you'd be interested in. It's--

_He pauses_.

THE SECOND CELESTIAL FIGURE. Yes?

THE FIRST CELESTIAL FIGURE. Perhaps I had better just show you, and let you make what you can of it.

THE SECOND CELESTIAL FIGURE. (_deferentially_) As you say.

THE FIRST CELESTIAL FIGURE. Here, then--look for yourself!

_He raises the pointer, and boundless space rolls up like a curtain, disclosing a comfortable drawing-room. The two celestial figures stand aside and look. A man and woman are sitting on a sofa, kissing each other. From time to time, in intervals between the kisses, they speak_.

THE MAN. No! No! I must not!

_But he does_.

THE WOMAN. No! No! We must not!

_But they do_.

THE MAN. We must not--

_The second celestial figure turns to look inquiringly at the first, and boundless space falls like a blue curtain between them and the scene_.

THE SECOND CELESTIAL FIGURE. It is strange. I've seen nothing like that anywhere in the universe. But why do you suppose--

THE FIRST CELESTIAL FIGURE. Oh, as to that, I really cannot say. It's what is called "Human nature."

THE SECOND CELESTIAL FIGURE. Oh!

_They walk off thoughtfully_.

THE CHASTE ADVENTURES OF JOSEPH

A COMEDY

"The Chaste Adventures of Joseph" was first produced at the Liberal Club, New York City, in 1914, with the following cast:

Madam Potiphar ....... Louise Murphy Asenath .............. Marjorie Jones Potiphar ............. Berkeley Tobey Joseph ............... Floyd Dell Slave ................ Maurice Becker

_A room in Potiphar's house. It is sparingly furnished with a table, two stools, and a couch, all in the simpler style of the early dynasties.... The table, which is set at an angle, is piled with papyri, and one papyrus is half-unrolled and held open by paper-weights where somebody has been reading it.... There is a small window in one wall, opening on the pomegranate garden. At the back, between two heavy pillars, is a doorway.... Two women are heard to pass, laughing and talking, through the corridor outside, and pause at the doorway. One of them looks in curiously_.

THE LADY. Such a lovely house, Madam Potiphar!--But what is this quiet room? Your husband's study?

MADAM POTIPHAR. (_coming in_) Oh, this is nothing--merely the room of one of the slaves. Come, dear Cousin Asenath, and I will show you the garden. The pomegranates are just beginning to blossom.

ASENATH. The room of a slave? Indeed! He seems to be an educated person!

MADAM POTIPHAR. Educated? Oh, yes--he is a sort of book-keeper for Potiphar. At least, that is what he is supposed to be. But he is never on hand when he is wanted. If he were here, we might get him to show us through the vineyard.

ASENATH. Why not send for him? I would love to see the vineyard before your husband takes me out in the chariot.

MADAM POTIPHAR. (_ironically_) Send for Joseph? It would be useless. Joseph has affairs of his own on hand, always.

ASENATH. (_startled_) Joseph! Is that his name?

MADAM POTIPHAR. Yes--"Joseph." An ugly, foreign-sounding name, don't you think?

ASENATH. It is rather an odd name--but I've heard it before. It was the name of a youth who used to be one of my father's slaves in Heliopolis.

MADAM POTIPHAR. Heliopolis? I wonder--what was he like?

ASENATH. Oh, he was a pretty boy, with nice manners.

MADAM POTIPHAR. I thought for a moment it might be the same one. But this Joseph is an ill-favoured creature--and insolent. . . . What colour was his hair?

ASENATH. I really don't remember. It's been a year since he was there.... You have a _lovely_ house, my dear. I'm _so_ glad I came to see you!

MADAM POTIPHAR. (_also willing to change the subject_) It's nice to see you again, dear Asenath. We haven't seen each other since we were little girls. Do you remember how we played together in the date-orchard? And the long, long talks we had?

ASENATH. Don't let's be sentimental about our childhood! MADAM POTIPHAR. Do you remember how we talked about being married? (_Asenath goes to the little window_.) We hated all men, as I remember.

ASENATH. I was eight years old then. . . . Who is that handsome young man I see out there?

MADAM POTIPHAR. In the garden?

ASENATH. Yes.

_Madam Potiphar comes to the window_.

MADAM POTIPHAR. That--that is the slave we were speaking of. . . .

ASENATH. Joseph? . . . I wonder if it _is_ the same one? . . .

MADAM POTIPHAR. Well--and what if it were?

ASENATH. He was really a very interesting young man. . . .

MADAM POTIPHAR. If you are so anxious to find out, why don't you go and talk to him?

ASENATH. (_coolly_) I think I shall.

_She starts toward the door_.

MADAM POTIPHAR. (_shocked_) Asenath! You, a daughter of the High Priest of Heliopolis--

ASENATH. As such, I am quite accustomed to doing as I please.

_She goes out_.

MADAM POTIPHAR. (_looking amusedly after her_) Silly little thing! (_She stands there thinking_.) There's no doubt of it! Joseph did come from Heliopolis last year. But what have I to be afraid of? (_She sees a pair of sandals on the floor by the table. She picks one of them up, and kisses it passionately, whispering_)--Joseph!

_Enter Potiphar. Madam Potiphar puts the sandal behind her back_.

POTIPHAR. (_a dull, dignified gentleman_) Oh, here's where you are! I was looking everywhere for you. But where's your cousin?

MADAM POTIPHAR. She will be back in a moment. I brought her here to show her the educated slave of whom you are so proud, at work. But he is away somewhere, as usual.

POTIPHAR. (_defensively_) He has other duties.

MADAM POTIPHAR. Oh, yes, no doubt!

POTIPHAR. What's the matter now?

MADAM POTIPHAR. Nothing new. You know what I think about this Joseph of yours.

POTIPHAR. (_irritated_) Now, if you are going to bring that subject up again--! Well, I tell you flatly, I won't do it.

MADAM POTIPHAR. You'd better take my advice!

POTIPHAR. It's the most unreasonable thing I ever heard of! For the first time in my life I get an efficient secretary--and you want me to get rid of him. It's ridiculous. What have you against Joseph, anyway?

MADAM POTIPHAR. I--I don't think he's honest.

POTIPHAR. Honest! Who expects the secretary of a government official to be honest? I don't want an honest man in charge of my affairs--all I want is a capable one. Besides, how would I know whether he is honest or not? I can't bother to go over his accounts, and I couldn't understand them if I did. Mathematics, my dear, is not an art that high-class Egyptians excel in. It takes slaves and Hebrews for that.

MADAM POTIPHAR. Well, just because he is able to add up a row of figures is no reason why he should be so high-handed with everybody. One would think he was the master here, instead of a slave.

POTIPHAR. A private secretary, my dear, is different from an ordinary slave. You mustn't expect him to behave like a doorkeeper. I remember now, he complained that you kept wanting him to run errands for you.

MADAM POTIPHAR. Yes, and he refused--in the most insolent manner. He is a proud and scheming man, I tell you. I am sure he is plotting some villainy against you.

POTIPHAR. (_wearily_) Yes, you have said that before.

MADAM POTIPHAR. I say it again. Joseph is a scoundrel.

POTIPHAR. You'll have to do more than say it, my dear. What proof have you of his villainy?

MADAM POTIPHAR. I think you might trust to my womanly intuition.

POTIPHAR. Bah! Joseph is going to stay! Do you understand?

_He pounds on the table for emphasis. Madam Potiphar takes advantage of the occasion to drop the sandal unnoticed_.

MADAM POTIPHAR. Well, you needn't create a domestic scene. Asenath may return at any moment.

POTIPHAR. (_gloomily_) I believe I'm to take her out in the chariot.

MADAM POTIPHAR. You don't begrudge my guest that much of your attention, do you? You know I cannot bear to ride behind those wild horses of yours. And she said she wanted to see the city.

POTIPHAR. Oh--I'll go. But I must see to my chariot. (_He claps his hands. A servant appears, and bows deeply_.) Send Joseph here at once.

_With another deep bow, the slave disappears. A pause_.

MADAM POTIPHAR. Now you know what it is to have your slave off attending to some business of his own when you want him.

POTIPHAR. (_annoyed_) Where can he be?

_Enter Joseph_.

JOSEPH. (_ignoring Madam Potiphar, and making a slight bow to Potiphar_) Here I am, sir.

POTIPHAR. (_after a triumphant glance at his wife_) Have my chariot made ready for me, will you?

JOSEPH. It will give me great pleasure to do so, sir.

_He bows slightly, and goes out_.

MADAM POTIPHAR. Did you notice his insolence?

POTIPHAR. There you go again! He said he was glad to do it for me. What more do you want?

MADAM POTIPHAR. You are the stupidest man in Egypt.

POTIPHAR. Thank you, my dear.

_Joseph returns_.

POTIPHAR. Is the chariot ready so soon, Joseph?

JOSEPH. The chariot is quite ready.

POTIPHAR. Very well. (_A pause_) And are those accounts finished yet, Joseph?

JOSEPH. The accounts are quite finished. And I would like to suggest, if I may--

_He is interrupted by the re-entrance of Asenath_.

ASENATH. What a lovely garden you have!

MADAM POTIPHAR. (_significantly_) Yes!

ASENATH. The pomegranate blossoms are so beautiful!

MADAM POTIPHAR. You could hardly tear yourself away, could you?

POTIPHAR. (_with a patient smile_) And are you ready for your chariot ride now?

ASENATH. Oh, yes! I am so eager to see the city! But I fear my hair needs a touch or two, first. . . .

MADAM POTIPHAR. It is so hard to keep one's hair in order when one walks in the garden. I will take you to my room, dear Asenath. (_To Potiphar_) We shall be ready presently.

POTIPHAR. The horses are waiting!

ASENATH. It won't take me but a moment!

MADAM POTIPHAR. Come, my dear. (_They go toward the door_.) I am so glad you liked our garden--

_They go out_.

POTIPHAR. (_turning to Joseph_) What were you going to say, Joseph?

JOSEPH. You asked me about my accounts. I was about to suggest that I show them to you tonight, when you return from your ride.

POTIPHAR. (_alarmed_) No! No! I don't want to see them. . . . I just want to know that everything is getting on well.

JOSEPH. Everything is getting along quite well.

POTIPHAR. Very good. I have complete confidence in you. . . . Joseph-- you have a mathematical mind; how long would you say it would take a woman to do her hair?

JOSEPH. Not less than half an hour, sir--especially if she has something to talk about with another woman while she is doing it.

POTIPHAR. (_surprised_) What should _they_ have to talk about?

JOSEPH. Secrets.

POTIPHAR. Secrets?

JOSEPH. What things are women especially interested in, sir?

POTIPHAR. Dress, perhaps?

JOSEPH. Perhaps.

POTIPHAR. Housekeeping?

JOSEPH. I doubt it, sir.

POTIPHAR. Joseph, you perturb me. Besides food and dress, there is only one subject, so far as I am aware, of interest to women. I hope you do not imply--

JOSEPH. Far be it from me, sir, to indulge in implications, with respect to an honoured guest, in the household in which I am a slave.

POTIPHAR. Still--it is hard to tell, sometimes. Women are mysterious creatures. What do _you_ think of them, Joseph?

JOSEPH. I try not to, sir.

POTIPHAR. You are a wise man. Yes, I suppose you have your difficulties, too. The morality of the slave-girls is not all it should be. But if you will believe me, the morality of our women, too--

JOSEPH. Ah, sir!

POTIPHAR. Yes, Joseph, it leaves something to be desired. If you knew the advances that have been made to me by certain great ladies--

JOSEPH. If you will permit me to say so, sir, you have my sympathy.

POTIPHAR. Joseph--women are the very devil, aren't they?

JOSEPH. They are a great trial, sir. One must learn the secret of dealing with them.

POTIPHAR. Do _you_ know that secret?

JOSEPH. I do, sir.

POTIPHAR. I am inclined to believe that you really do. You are a remarkable man. But then, you have a naturally cold disposition. It must come easy to you.

JOSEPH. Not so easy as you may think, sir. Temperamentally, I am very susceptible to the charms of women.

POTIPHAR. Then you are more remarkable even than I thought. Come, what _is_ your secret?

JOSEPH. It is not the sort of secret that one gives away for nothing, sir.

POTIPHAR. I am sorry to see you display such a mercenary disposition, Joseph. But I see that I must come to terms with you. How much will you take to teach me your secret?

JOSEPH. This time, sir, I will not be mercenary. I will make you a sporting proposition.

POTIPHAR. (_very much interested_) Good! What is it?

JOSEPH. I will toss up a coin, and let you call it. If you win, I will teach you the secret for nothing. And if you lose--

POTIPHAR. And if I lose, you keep your secret--

JOSEPH. Not merely that. If you lose, you will give me my freedom.

POTIPHAR. But I cannot get along without you, Joseph!

JOSEPH. I will continue to work for you on a salary basis.

POTIPHAR. Done! Where is your coin?

_Joseph takes a small coin from his wallet, flips it in the air, and covers it with his hand when it falls on the table. He looks up at Potiphar_.

POTIPHAR. Much depends on this. What shall I say?

JOSEPH. I know what you will say, sir.

POTIPHAR. Impossible! Tails.

_Joseph uncovers the coin. Potiphar bends over it_.

JOSEPH. (_without looking_) It is heads.

POTIPHAR. So it is! I lose--Joseph, you are a lucky man!

JOSEPH. Not at all, sir--a clever one. You see, I knew just how the coin would fall. I tossed it so that it would fall that way.

POTIPHAR. But--how did you know what I was going to say?

JOSEPH. I will explain to you. On one side of the coin is a representation of the present Pharaoh, who has denied you advancement because of his daughter's interest in you. In consequence, you dislike any reminder of him--even on a coin. But on the other side is a representation of the goddess Isis; she is your favourite goddess--and moreover, you yourself have been heard to remark that her face and figure resemble remarkably that of a certain great lady, whose name--is never mentioned when the story is told. Naturally I knew how you would call the coin.

POTIPHAR. (_trembling with rage_) How dare you say such things! Do you forget that I can have you beaten with rods?

JOSEPH. (_calmly_) Do you forget, sir, that I am no longer a slave? Free men are not beaten in Egypt.

POTIPHAR. Free?

JOSEPH. Unless Potiphar takes back his word. It is true that I have no witnesses to it.

POTIPHAR. (_with great dignity_) Witnesses are unnecessary. I had forgotten for the moment. Let this remind me. (_He gives Joseph a ring_.) You are a free man. And so--what I thought was an insolence is merely a pleasantry. But--you take a quick advantage of your freedom.

JOSEPH. I accept the rebuke.

POTIPHAR. And--free man or slave--Joseph, you know too much!

_Potiphar walks out of the room. . . . Joseph seats himself at the table, and takes up a scroll of papyrus. He reads a moment, then claps his hands. A slave enters, stands before the table, and bows_.

JOSEPH. (_consulting the papyrus_) Bear word to the overseer of the winepress that the grapes in the southeast section will be brought in for pressing tomorrow morning. . . . Bear word to the chief carpenter that a table and two couches, of the standard pattern, are wanted--at once. . . . Bear word to the chief pastry-cook that his request for another helper is denied.

_Joseph makes a gesture of dismissal, and the slave, with a bow, goes out. Joseph rises, and walking around the table, holds up 'his hand to look at his ring_.

JOSEPH. Freedom!

_Madam Potiphar strolls in_.

MADAM POTIPHAR. (_familiarly_) They have gone. . . .

_Joseph picks up a scroll from the table_.

MADAM POTIPHAR. (_sharply_) Joseph!

JOSEPH. (_respectfully_) Yes, madam.

MADAM POTIPHAR. I understood you to say a while ago that your work was quite finished?

JOSEPH. Yes, madam.

MADAM POTIPHAR. Then you have plenty of time now....

JOSEPH. Yes, plenty of time for more work.

MADAM POTIPHAR. Well, you need not begin immediately. _I_ want a little of your time just now.

JOSEPH. If it is an errand, I will call one of the slaves.

MADAM POTIPHAR. Do you mean--one of the other slaves?

JOSEPH. I, madam, am no longer a slave.

_He holds up his hand, and looks at the ring_.

MADAM POTIPHAR. (_incredulous_) How did this happen? Did you _buy_ your freedom, perchance?

JOSEPH. No. Your husband gave it to me a moment ago.

MADAM POTIPHAR. Gave it to you? You mean that you swindled him out of it in some way!

JOSEPH. As you please, madam.

MADAM POTIPHAR. Well, it is his own affair if he wishes to give away such valuable property. Only--it is difficult to adjust oneself to a change like that.

JOSEPH. Do not, I pray, let the change disturb you.

MADAM POTIPHAR. No, I insist. It is both a duty and a pleasure. Since you are now a free man, Joseph, I propose that we treat each other as equals and friends.

JOSEPH. That will be very considerate of us both.

MADAM POTIPHAR. Sir, you are insolent. No, no--I mean, my friend, you are very rude.

JOSEPH. Thank you for making the distinction. And now, since we are to treat each other as equals and friends, I beg you--(_he takes some small objects from his wallet and holds them out in his hand_)--to take these hairpins, which are the mementos of your various visits to my room. As a slave, no suspicion, of course, could attach to me in connection with a lady of your rank. But as equals and friends, we both have our reputations to preserve.

MADAM POTIPHAR. (_taking them_) Thank you.(_She restores them to her hair_.) I lose them everywhere I go. They fall out every time I speak. They mean nothing whatever.

JOSEPH. It is unnecessary to explain that to me. I am perfectly aware of the fact.

MADAM POTIPHAR. You are perfectly aware of everything, aren't you, Joseph?

JOSEPH. Everything that it is to my interest to be aware of, madam.

MADAM POTIPHAR. No--there is one thing you don't know, and I am going to tell you.

JOSEPH. Proceed, madam.

_He takes the coin from the table_.

MADAM POTIPHAR. (_coming close to him and looking boldly into his eyes_) Can't you guess?

_At this moment Joseph drops the coin from his hand, and it rolls away. Joseph starts, looks after it, and goes across the room to pick it up_.

JOSEPH. One must take care of the small coins!

MADAM POTIPHAR. (_angrily_) Oh!

_She flings off to the window, Joseph returns and seats himself on the little stool at the nearer end of the table, with a papyrus in front of him. He reads it in silence. Madam Potiphar comes and seats herself on the table, and looks down at him. He continues to study the papyrus. She leans over to see what he is doing, and then, as he pays no attention, she turns so that she is reclining prone along its length, facing him, her chin in her hands, one foot idly waving in the air_.

MADAM POTIPHAR. (_gently_) Am I bothering you?

JOSEPH. Not at all.

MADAM POTIPHAR. I like to watch you work.

JOSEPH. I don't mind.

MADAM POTIPHAR. You are very interesting to look at, do you know?

JOSEPH. (_absently_) Yes, I know.

MADAM POTIPHAR. Little egotist!

JOSEPH. (_unperturbed_) Yes.

_He rises and seats himself at the side of the table. Propping his papyrus against the reclining body of Madam Potiphar, he takes a new sheet of papyrus, and commences to copy a passage_.

MADAM POTIPHAR. (_wriggling about to look at him_) What are you copying?

JOSEPH. Be careful. Don't jiggle my manuscript, please!

MADAM POTIPHAR. I asked, what are you copying?

JOSEPH. I am copying some inaccurate information about the climate of Egypt, with reference to the yearly crop-yield. . . . I wonder if there is any one in Egypt who has exact information on that subject? . . .

MADAM POTIPHAR. The yearly crop-yield! What do you care about the yearly crop-yield?

JOSEPH. Never mind. You wouldn't understand if I told you.

MADAM POTIPHAR. You are quite right. Besides, I didn't come here to talk about crops.

JOSEPH. (_writing_) No. You came here to talk about me.

MADAM POTIPHAR. I came here to talk about my cousin Asenath. You knew she was coming--why didn't you tell me you had been in service in her father's household in Heliopolis?

JOSEPH. (_writing_) It wasn't necessary for me to tell you. I knew she would.

MADAM POTIPHAR. No doubt you think we sat there all the time she was combing her hair, and talked about you!

JOSEPH. (_writing_) Precisely.

MADAM POTIPHAR. I suppose you know she is crazy about you!

JOSEPH. (_still writing_) Is she?

MADAM POTIPHAR. She doesn't put it just that way. She says she takes an interest in your future.

JOSEPH. (_continuing to work_) She doesn't take half as much interest in it as I do.

MADAM POTIPHAR. She told me your romantic story: how you had been sold by your brothers into slavery because you wore a coat of many colours. Joseph, did you wear a coat of many colours? That seems a curious thing for any one to be angry about.

JOSEPH. (_not ceasing to copy the manuscript_) I wore it only figuratively--I am wearing it now. And it _always_ makes _you_ angry.

MADAM POTIPHAR. You mean the cloak of your insolence?

JOSEPH. I mean the cloak of my pride.

MADAM POTIPHAR. I can sympathize with your brothers. . . . Are you in love with her, Joseph?

JOSEPH. I am not.

_He has finished--he rolls up the papyrus_.

MADAM POTIPHAR. No--so I told her.

JOSEPH. But she didn't believe you. MADAM POTIPHAR. You seem to know our conversation pretty well.

JOSEPH. I can imagine it.

MADAM POTIPHAR. Well, go ahead and imagine it. What did we say?

JOSEPH. You both lied to each other.

MADAM POTIPHAR. About what?

JOSEPH. About me. MADAM POTIPHAR. (_sitting up_) Your conceit is insufferable!

JOSEPH. (_rising politely_) I hope so.

MADAM POTIPHAR. Is that a dismissal?

JOSEPH. If you will be so kind.

MADAM POTIPHAR. You interest me more and more.

JOSEPH. I feared as much.

MADAM POTIPHAR. I detest you!

JOSEPH. It is one of the symptoms.

MADAM POTIPHAR. Young man, do you really know nothing about love?

JOSEPH. If I don't, it is not the fault of the women of Egypt.

MADAM POTIPHAR. You are a strange youth. It cannot be that you love this work you are doing....

JOSEPH. No, madam--I _hate_ it.

MADAM POTIPHAR. Then where do you find your happiness? Tell me, Joseph--what is the happiest hour of the day for you?

JOSEPH. (_with complete sincerity_) It is that hour when I have finished the day's work, and can lie down upon my couch. It is the hour before sleep comes, when the room is filled with moonlight, and there is no sound except the crickets singing in the orchard, and the music of the toads in the pool. The wind of the night comes in, cool with dew. Then I am happy--for I can lie and make plans for my future.

MADAM POTIPHAR. (_softly_) And in that hour of moonlight and dew and the music of the crickets, and the ancient love-song of the toads in the pool, when all the earth abandons itself to love,--what would you say to a woman who stole in to you like a moonbeam, like a breath of the night-wind, like a strain of music?

JOSEPH. I would tell her--to go, as her presence would interfere with my plans.

MADAM POTIPHAR. I call the gods to witness. A truly virtuous young man!

JOSEPH. (_jumping down from the table, angrily_) Virtue! Virtue! Oh, you stupid Egyptians! As though I cared about Virtue!

MADAM POTIPHAR. Well, what in the name of all the gods is it that you care about?

JOSEPH. (_vehemently_) In the name of all the gods, madam, I care about time.

MADAM POTIPHAR. Time! But what can you do with time?

JOSEPH. What can I do _without_ it?

MADAM POTIPHAR. But I do not understand!

JOSEPH. (_in a cold rage_) Of course you do not understand. You are a great lady--and a fool. I am a wise man--and but an hour ago a slave. I have more intellect than all the population of Egypt put together. Do you expect me to be content to remain as I am? I want power and riches--and I intend to achieve them. And I cannot achieve them if I allow women to waste my time.

MADAM POTIPHAR. (_deeply angered at last_) Very well, I go--taking your secret with me! (_She goes_.)

JOSEPH. (_furiously, to the empty room_) Virtue! My God!

_He sits down at his desk and writes vexedly_.

* * * * *

_Night. The room is filled with moonlight. Joseph is asleep at his desk.... He suddenly springs up in agitation_.

JOSEPH. Ah! . . . It was only a dream! But what a dream! I thought I saw at the door--(_he points_) a strange and terrible animal! (_There is a sound at the door, and he starts back in terror_.) _There it is now_!

_The curtains part, and Asenath enters, candle in hand_.

ASENATH. Ssh! It is I--Asenath! Don't be afraid!

_Joseph recovers his self-possession, and confronts her sternly_.

JOSEPH. You, too!

ASENATH. My dear?

JOSEPH. So you have come to afflict me with more romantic folly!

ASENATH. (_with concern_) What is the matter with you, Joseph?

JOSEPH. What is the matter with me? Nothing is the matter with me. Why do you ask?

ASENATH. I think you are not well. You are behaving queerly. You must have been working too hard. How are your nerves?

_She approaches him solicitously_.

JOSEPH. (_retreating around the table_) Leave me alone, I tell you! Even in my own room can I have no peace? Must I be dogged even in my dreams by shameless and unscrupulous females? Oh, unfortunate youth that I am!

ASENATH. (_setting her candle down on the table_) Now I know what is the matter with you, Joseph! You have an obsession.

JOSEPH. What is an obsession?

ASENATH. Don't you know what an obsession is? (_She sits down on the stool at the end of the table_). Haven't you heard of the great wizard in the land of the barbarians who explains everything by a new magic?

JOSEPH. Is he the author of that popular new dream-book?

ASENATH. Yes. All Egypt is mad on the subject of dreams. Everybody, from Pharaoh to the fiddler's wife, is telling about his latest dream, or listening to some one else tell his.

JOSEPH. (_sitting down on the other stool_) Speaking of dreams, I had a curious one just before you came in.

ASENATH. Did you, Joseph? Tell it to me.

_She leans across the table_.

JOSEPH. I dreamed--that I saw a dragon with many heads. And each head had the face of a beautiful woman. I was frightened. But I took up a sword and struck. And all the heads except one were severed. All except one. And this one had upon it a crown of iron and a crown of gold. And then the dragon took the crowns from its head, and offered them to me! I did not know what to do. . . . And then I awoke.

ASENATH. Shall I interpret your dream for you, Joseph? The dragon with the many heads signifies the women of Egypt, who are all in love with you. The one that remains when you have struck off the rest, is the one who will succeed where all the others have failed. The crown of iron signifies power. The crown of gold, riches. She offers them to you. . .

JOSEPH. (_leaning forward_) Asenath--do you really think it means--

ASENATH. (_coldly_) I really think it means that you have a persecution--mania. You imagine that every woman you meet has designs on you. . . . I suppose you think that _I_ came here to make love to you?

JOSEPH. No, my dear Asenath. I know better than that. When young women come to my room at midnight, it is only to borrow a book to read--or to ask my advice about their personal affairs. I know, because they tell me so. Which did you come for--a book, or advice?

ASENATH. Neither. I came to give a book to you--and to give you some advice.... Do you remember telling me, once in Heliopolis, that the man who knew enough about the climate of Egypt to predict a famine could make himself the richest man in the kingdom? Well--here is everything you want to know, in an old book I found in my father's library in Heliopolis. This is the book I came to give you.

_She holds out a scroll_.

JOSEPH. (_taking it_) Dear Asenath--

ASENATH. (_interrupting him_) And now the advice. It is this. Ally yourself to the wisest woman in the land of Egypt--one who can teach you to interpret the dreams of Pharaoh. Then you shall become the second in power in the kingdom.

JOSEPH. The second in power in the kingdom! Asenath--do not mock me. Can you do this?

ASENATH. I swear that I can and will!

JOSEPH. (_overcome_) You do love me....

ASENATH. (_jumping up_) Love you! What nonsense! (_Scornfully_) Love!

JOSEPH. You--you don't love me?

ASENATH. Not in the least!

JOSEPH. But--but--then what are you doing it for?

ASENATH. I am doing it for _myself_. Do you think I wish to stay in Heliopolis all my life? No--I want power and riches--and I intend to have them. But I cannot get them, unfortunately, without wasting my time with some man.

JOSEPH. And I--?

ASENATH. You are the man.

JOSEPH. Admirable!

ASENATH. Hate me if you will--

JOSEPH. On the contrary! (_He goes toward her_.) Wonderful creature!

ASENATH. (_retreating_) What do you say?

JOSEPH. I say that you are a woman after my own heart. (_He holds out his arms. She retreats to the other end of the table_.) I did not think that there existed in all the world a woman as profoundly egoistic, as unscrupulously ambitious, as myself. You are my true mate. Come, we shall rule Egypt together!

ASENATH. (_in front of the table_) Am I to understand that this is a strictly business proposition?

JOSEPH. No. It is a declaration of love. I adore you! I desire you! I cannot live without you!

ASENATH. Please don't be silly.

JOSEPH. (_hurt_) Is it possible that you do not believe in my love?

ASENATH. It is a little difficult. . . .

JOSEPH. You think that I am a hard man--and so I am. But when I look at you, I tremble and grow weak. My knees are become as water, and the blood roaring in my veins confuses me.

ASENATH. Can I, a mere woman, so disturb you?

JOSEPH. You have more than a mere woman's beauty. Your hands are lotus petals. Your eyes are silver fireflies mirrored in a pool. Your breasts are white birds nestling behind the leaves of a pomegranate tree.

ASENATH. You have a smooth tongue, Joseph! One would think you really were in love at last. . . .

JOSEPH. I love you more than anything else in the world. You mean more to me than power, more than riches, more than freedom itself.

ASENATH. I could almost believe that you are in earnest. . . .

JOSEPH. Tell me, O lovely creature for whom my soul and body thirst, how can I prove my sincerity? What proof can I give you?

ASENATH. You can give me--that ring!

_She points to the ring which Potiphar has given him_.

JOSEPH. (_looking at her, then at the ring, takes it off, saying_)-- Freedom!

_He puts it on her finger. He draws her toward him. She resists. The candle is knocked over, and all is darkness_.

ASENATH. (_in the darkness, faintly_) Joseph! Joseph!

THE ANGEL INTRUDES

A COMEDY

To GEORGE CRAM COOK

"The Angel Intrudes" was first produced by the Provincetown Players, New York City, in 1917, with the following cast:

The Policeman...... Abram Gillette The Angel.......... James Light Jimmy Pendleton.... Justus Sheffield Annabelle.......... Edna St. Vincent Millay

_Washington Square by moonlight. A stream of Greenwich Villagers hurrying across to the Brevoort before the doors are locked. In their wake a sleepy policeman.

The policeman stops suddenly on seeing an Angel with shining garments and great white wings, who has just appeared out of nowhere_.

THE POLICEMAN. Hey, you!

THE ANGEL. (_haughtily, turning_) Sir! Are you addressing me?

THE POLICEMAN. (_severely_) Yes, an' I've a good mind to lock you up.

THE ANGEL. (_surprised and indignant_) How very inhospitable! Is that the way you treat strangers?

THE POLICEMAN. Don't you know it's agen the law of New York to parade the streets in a masquerade costume?

THE ANGEL. No. I didn't know. You see, I've just arrived this minute from Heaven.

THE POLICEMAN. Ye look it. (_Taking his arm kindly_) See here, me lad, you've been drinkin' too many of them stingers. Ye'd better take a taxi and go home.

THE ANGEL. What! So soon?

THE POLICEMAN. I know how ye feel. I've been that way meself. But I can't leave ye go traipsin' about in skirts.

THE ANGEL. (_drawing away_) Sir, I'm not traipsing about. I am attending to important business, and I must ask you not to detain me.

THE POLICEMAN. (_suspiciously_) Not so fast, me laddie-buck. What business have you at this hour of the night? Tell me that.

THE ANGEL. I don't mind telling you. It concerns a mortal called James Pendleton.

THE POLICEMAN. (_genial again_) Aha! So you're a friend of Jimmy Pendleton's, are you?

THE ANGEL. Not exactly. I am his Guardian Angel.

THE POLICEMAN. Well, faith, he needs one! Come, me b'y, I'll see ye safe to his door.

THE ANGEL. Thank you. But, if you don't mind, I prefer to go alone.

_He turns away_.

THE POLICEMAN. Good night to you, then.

_He idly watches the angelic figure walk away, and then stares with amazement as it spreads its wings and soars to the top of Washington Arch. Pausing there a moment, it soars again in the air, and is seen wafting its way over the neighbouring housetops to the northeast. The policeman shakes his head in disapproval.

Jimmy Pendleton is dozing in an easy chair before the grate-fire in Ms studio in Washington Mews. A yellow-backed French novel has fallen from his knee to the floor. It is Anatole France's "La Revolte des Anges". A suitcase stands beside the chair. Jimmy is evidently about to go on some journey.

A clock begins to strike somewhere. Jimmy Pendleton awakes_.

JIMMY. What a queer dream! (_He looks at his watch_.) Twelve o'clock. The taxi ought to be here. (_He takes two tickets from his pocket, looks at them, and puts them back. Then he commences to pace nervously up and down the room, muttering to himself_)--Fool! Idiot! Imbecile! (_He is not, so that you could notice it, any of these things. He is a very handsome man of forty. There is the blast of an auto-horn outside. He makes an angry gesture_.) Too late! That's the taxi. (_But he stands uncertainly in the middle of the floor. There is a loud pounding on the knocker_.) Yes, yes!

_He makes a movement toward the door, when it suddenly opens, and a lovely lady enters. He stares at her in surprise_.

JIMMY. Annabelle!

_Annabelle is little. Annabelle's petulant upturned lips are rosebud red. Annabelle's round eyes are baby-blue. Annabelle is--young_.

ANNABELLE. Yes! It's me! (_There is a tiny lisp in Annabelle's speech_.) I got tired of waiting, and the door was unlocked, so I came right in.

JIMMY. Well!

ANNABELLE. (_hurt_) Aren't you glad to see me?

JIMMY. I'm--delighted. But--but--I thought we were to meet at the station.

ANNABELLE. So we were.

JIMMY. You haven't changed your mind?

ANNABELLE. No. . . .

JIMMY. Er--good.

ANNABELLE. But--

JIMMY. Yes--?

ANNABELLE. I got to wondering. . . . (_She drifts to the easy chair in front of the fire_.)

JIMMY. Wondering . . . about what? (_He looks at his watch_.)

ANNABELLE. About love. . . .

JIMMY. Well . . . (_He lights a cigarette_)--it's a subject that can stand a good deal of wondering about. I've wondered about it myself.

ANNABELLE. That's just it--you speak so cynically about it. I don't believe you're in love with me at all!

JIMMY. Nonsense! Of course I'm in love with you.

ANNABELLE. (_sadly_) No you're not.

JIMMY. (_angrily_) But I tell you I am!

ANNABELLE. No. . . .

JIMMY. Foolish child!

ANNABELLE. Well, let's not quarrel about it. We'll talk about something else.

JIMMY. (_vehemently_) What do you suppose this insanity is if it is not love? What do you imagine leads me to this preposterous escapade, if not that preposterous passion?

ANNABELLE. That isn't the way _I_ love you.

JIMMY. Then why do you come with me?

ANNABELLE. Perhaps I'm not coming.

JIMMY. Yes you are. It's foolish--mad--wicked--but you're coming. (_She begins to cry softly_.) If not--ten minutes away is safety and peace and comfort. Shall I call a taxi for you? (_She shakes her head_.) No, I thought not. Oh, it's love all right. . . . Antony and Cleopatra defying the Mann Act! Romance! Beauty! Adventure! How can you doubt it?

ANNABELLE. I hate you!

JIMMY. (_cheerfully_) I don't mind. (_Smiling_) I rather hate you myself. And that's the final proof that this is love.

ANNABELLE. (_sobbing_) I thought love was something quite--different!

JIMMY. You thought it was beautiful. It isn't. It's just blithering, blathering folly. We'll both regret it tomorrow.

ANNABELLE. _I_ Won't!

JIMMY. Yes you will. It's human nature. Face the facts.

ANNABELLE. (_tearfully_) Facing the facts is one thing and being in love is another,

JIMMY. Quite so. Well, how long do you think your love for me will last?

ANNABELLE. For ever!

JIMMY. H'm! I predict that you will fall in love with the next man you meet.

ANNABELLE. I think you're perfectly horrid.

JIMMY. So do I. I disapprove of myself violently. I'm a doddering lunatic, incapable of thinking of anything but you. I can't work. I can't eat, I can't sleep. I'm no use to the world. I'm not a man, I'm a mess. I'm about to do something silly because I can't do anything else.

ANNABELLE. (_pouting_) You've no respect for me.

JIMMY. None whatever. I love you. And I'm going to carry you off.

ANNABELLE. You're a brute.

JIMMY. Absolutely. I'd advise you to go straight home.

ANNABELLE. (_defiantly_) Perhaps I shall!

JIMMY. Then go quick. (_He takes out his watch_.) In one minute, if you are still here, I shall pick you up and carry you off to South America.--Quick! there's the door!

ANNABELLE. (_faintly_) I--I want to go. . . .

JIMMY. Well, why don't you? . . . Thirty seconds!

ANNABELLE. I--I can't!

JIMMY. (_shutting his watch_) Time's up. The die is cast! (_He lifts her from the chair. She clings to him helplessly_.) My darling! My treasure! My beloved!--Idiot that I am!

_He kisses her fiercely_.

ANNABELLE. (_struggling in his arms_) No! No! No! Stop!

JIMMY. Never!

ANNABELLE. Stop! Please! Please! Oh! . . .

_The light suddenly goes out, and an instant later blazes out again, revealing the Angel, who has suddenly arrived in the middle of the room. The two of them stare at the apparition_.

THE ANGEL. (_politely_) I hope I am not intruding?

JIMMY. Why--why--not exactly!

ANNABELLE. (_in his arms, indignantly_) Jimmy! who is that man?

JIMMY. (_becoming aware of her and putting her down carefully_) I--why--the fact is, I don't--

THE ANGEL. The fact is, madam, I am his Guardian Angel.

ANNABELLE. An Angel! Oh!

THE ANGEL. Tell me, _have_ I intruded?

ANNABELLE. No, not at all!

THE ANGEL. Thank you for reassuring me. I feared for a moment that I had made an inopportune entrance. I was about to suggest that I withdraw until you had finished the--er--ceremony--which I seem to have interrupted.

JIMMY. (_surprised_) But wasn't that what you came for--to interrupt?

THE ANGEL. I beg your pardon!

JIMMY. (_bewilderedly_) I mean--if you are my Guardian Angel, and all that sort of thing, you _must_ have come to--to interfere!

THE ANGEL. I hope you will not think I would be capable of such presumption.

JIMMY. (_puzzled_) You don't want to--so to speak--reform me?

THE ANGEL. Not at all. Why, I scarcely know you!

JIMMY. But you're my--my Guardian Angel, you say?

THE ANGEL. Ah, yes, to be sure. But the relation of angelic guardianship has for some hundreds of years been a purely nominal one. We have come to feel that it is best to allow mortals to attend to their own affairs.

JIMMY. (_abruptly_) Then what did you come for?

THE ANGEL. For a change. One becomes tired of familiar scenes. And I thought that perhaps my relationship to you might serve in lieu of an introduction. I wanted to be among friends.

JIMMY. Oh--I see.

ANNABELLE. Of course. We're delighted to have you with us. Won't you sit down? (_She leads the way to the fire_.)

THE ANGEL. (_perching on back of one of the big chairs_) If you don't mind! My wings, you know.

JIMMY. (_hesitantly_) Have a cigarette?

THE ANGEL. Thank you. (_He takes one_.) I am most anxious to learn the more important of your earthly arts and sciences. Please correct me if I go wrong. This is my first attempt, remember. He blows out a puff of smoke.

ANNABELLE. (_from the settle_) You're doing it very nicely.

THE ANGEL. It is incense to the mind.

ANNABELLE. (_laughing, blowing a series of smoke rings_) You must learn to do it like this!

THE ANGEL. (_in awe_) That is too wonderful an art. I fear I can never learn it!

ANNABELLE. I will teach you.

THE ANGEL. (_earnestly_) If you were my teacher, I think I could learn anything.

ANNABELLE. (_giggles charmingly_).

JIMMY. (_embarrassed_) Really, Annabelle...!

ANNABELLE. What's the matter?

JIMMY. Ordinarily I wouldn't mind your flirting with strangers, but...

ANNABELLE. (_indignantly_) Jimmy! How can you?

THE ANGEL. It was my fault, I'm sure--if fault there was. But what is it--to flirt? You see, I wish to learn everything.

ANNABELLE. I hope you never learn that.

THE ANGEL. I put myself in your hands.

JIMMY. Er--would you like a--drink?

THE ANGEL. Thank you. I am very thirsty. (_Taking the glass_.) This is very different from what we have in Heaven. (_He tastes it. A look of gratified surprise appears on his face_.) And much better! (_He drains the glass and hands it back_.) May I have some more?

ANNABELLE. Be careful!

THE ANGEL. What should I be careful of?

ANNABELLE. Don't drink too much of that--if it's the first time.

THE ANGEL. Why not? It is an excellent drink.

JIMMY. (_laughing_) The maternal instinct! She is afraid you may make yourself--ridiculous.

THE ANGEL. Angels do not care for appearances. (_He stands up magnificently in the chair, towering above them_.) Besides . . . (_refilling his glass_) I feel that you do an injustice to this drink. Already it has made a new being of me. (_He looks at Annabelle_.) I feel an emotion that I have never known before. If I were in heaven, I should sing.

ANNABELLE. Oh! Won't you sing?

THE ANGEL. The fact is, I know nothing but hymns. And I'm tired of them. That was one reason why I left heaven. And this robe. . . . (_He descends to the floor, viewing his garment with disapproval_.) Have you an extra suit of clothes you could lend me?

JIMMY. (_reflectively_) Yes, I think I have some things that might fit. (_The Angel waits_.) Do you want them now? I'll look.

_He goes into the bedroom. . . . The Angel looks at Annabelle until his gaze becomes insupportable, and she covers her eyes. Then he comes over to her side_.

THE ANGEL. (_gravely_) I am very much afraid of you. (_He takes her hands in his_.)

ANNABELLE. (_smiling_) One would never guess it!

THE ANGEL. I am more afraid of you than I was of God. But even though I fear you, I must come close to you, and touch you. I feel a strange, new emotion like fire in my veins. This world has become beautiful to me because you are in it. I want to stay here so that I may be with you. . . .

ANNABELLE. (_shaken, but doubting_) For how long?

THE ANGEL. For ever. . . .

ANNABELLE. (_in his arms_) Darling!

THE ANGEL. I am so ignorant! There is something I want to do right now, only I do not know how to go about it properly.

_He bends shyly toward her lips_.

ANNABELLE. I will teach you.

_She kisses him_.

THE ANGEL. Heaven was nothing to this. They kiss again. . . . _Enter Jimmy, with an old suit of clothes over his arm. He pauses in dumbfounderment. At last he regains his voice_.

JIMMY. Well! _They look up. Neither of them is perturbed_.

THE ANGEL. (_blandly_) Has something happened to annoy you? (_Jimmy shakes the clothes at him in an outraged gesture_.) Oh, my new costume. Thank you so much!

_He takes the clothes from Jimmy, and examines them with interest_.

JIMMY. (_bitterly, to Annabelle_) I suppose I've no right to complain. You can make love to anybody you like. In fact, now that I come to think of it, I predicted this very thing. I said you'd fall in love with the next man you met. So it's off with the old love, and--

ANNABELLE. (_calmly_) I have never been in love before.

JIMMY. The fickleness of women is notorious. It is exceeded only by their mendacity. But Angels have up to this time stood in good repute. Your conduct, sir, is scandalous. I am amazed at you.

THE ANGEL. It may be scandalous, but it should not amaze you. It has happened too often before. I could quote you many texts from learned theological works. "And the sons of God looked at the daughters of men and saw that they were fair." But even if it were as unusual as you imagine, that would not deter me.

JIMMY. You are an unscrupulous wretch. If these are the manners of Heaven, I am glad it is so far away, and means of communication so difficult. A few more of you would corrupt the morals of five continents. You are utterly depraved--Here! what are you doing?

THE ANGEL. I am taking off my robes, so as to put on my new clothes.

JIMMY. Spare the common decencies at least. Go in the other room.

THE ANGEL. Certainly, if that is the custom here. With the clothes over his arm, he goes into the bedroom.

JIMMY. (_sternly, to Annabelle_) And now tell me, what do you mean by this?

ANNABELLE. (_simply_)--We are in love.

JIMMY. Do you mean to say you would throw me over for that fellow?

ANNABELLE. Why not?

JIMMY. What good is he? All he can do is sing hymns. In three months he'll be a tramp.

ANNABELLE. I don't care. And he won't be a tramp. I'll look after him.

JIMMY. (_sneeringly_) The maternal instinct! Well, take care of him if you like. But of course you know that in six weeks he'll fall in love with somebody else?

ANNABELLE. No he won't. I'm sure that I am the only girl in the world to him.

JIMMY. Of course you're the only girl in the world to him--now. You're the only one he's ever seen. But wait till he sees the others! Six weeks? On second thought I make it three days. Immortal love! (_He laughs_.)

ANNABELLE. What difference does it make? You don't understand. Whether it lasts a day or a year, while it lasts it will be immortal. _The Angel enters, dressed in Jimmy's old clothes, and carrying his wings in his hands. He seems exhilarated_.

THE ANGEL. How do I look?

JIMMY. It is customary to wear one's tie tucked inside the vest.

THE ANGEL. (_flinging the ends of the gorgeous necktie over his shoulder_) No! Though I have become a man, I do not without some regret put on the dull garb of mortality. I would not have my form lose all its original brightness. Even so it is the excess of glory obscured.

ANNABELLE. (_coming over to him_) You are quite right, darling.

_She tucks the tie inside his vest_.

THE ANGEL. Thank you, beloved.--And now these wings! Take them, and burn them with your own sweet hands, so that I can never leave you, even if I would.

ANNABELLE. No! I would rather put them away for you in a closet, so that you can go and look at them any time you want to, and see that you have the means to freedom ready to your hand. I shall never hold you against your will. I do not want to burn your wings. I really don't! But if you insist--!

_She takes the wings, and approaches the grate_.

JIMMY. (_to the Angel_) Don't let her do it! Fool! You don't know what you are doing. Listen to me! You think that she is wonderful-- superior--divine. It is only natural. There are moments when I have thought so myself. But I know why I thought so, and you have yet to learn. Keep your wings, my friend, against the day of your awakening-- the day when the glamour of sex has vanished, and you see in her, as you will see, an inferior being, with a weak body, a stunted mind, devoid of creative power, almost devoid of imagination, utterly lacking in critical capacity--a being who does not know how to work, nor how to talk, nor even how to play!