Chapter IV: Part 4

"I will tell you;" said he at length. "Although great care was taken with my education, from a very early age I was left much to my own inclinations; and being gifted with an extraordinary love for knowledge, and a rare facility in its acquirement, and a powerful tendency towards that knowledge which was most ennobling, I rapidly obtained a degree of intelligence which was rarely found even in a more mature period of life. There were two particular objects of study to which I for years dedicated an intense degree of attention: these were music and poetry. Music was a source of the most exquisite gratification to me at all times, and I applied diligently to make myself master of all its difficulties. In this, after constant application, superintended by the best masters, I succeeded, so as to be able to create at pleasure any effect I was desirous of producing. In the study of poetry I had no teachers, excepting the only teacher capable of giving instruction--Nature. I went amid the stir of leaves in the heart of the primeval forest; I stood beneath the dazzling glances of the countless eyes of heaven; I looked down upon the waters of the great deep, till I knew how to interpret its mighty voices; and the whisper of the wind to the blushing flower became to me a lesson full of an exquisite and impressive eloquence. There was not a sound in the air--a light upon the skies--a splendour on the earth--or a motion in the sea, that did not assist me in my study; for there were beauty and truth and power; and these are the constituents of all natural poetry. But there was something still wanting to breathe the spirit of life into the new conceptions that had been created in my nature. This I found; and from that time there has been a gladness in what I knew, and a purpose in what I did. Now let me remove the too powerful impression I have produced, by something more in accordance with my own sympathies. You shall hear 'The Poet's Song to his Mistress.'"

A symphony, full of the most touching interest, preceded a melody so impassioned, yet so sweet in its expression, and harmonised in so rich and masterly a manner, that the young merchant had soon all his faculties engaged in deep and earnest attention.

"That I should love thee is not strange,
For excellence doth love create;
But that my love should die or change
Can never be--'tis not in Fate:
For as thy worth, in heaven's bright view,
Must ever hold its glorious stature;
Shall not that bliss which from it grew
Partake of its immortal nature?

"Nor can exist a taint of schism
In these fond feelings thou hast made;
For, like the colours in the prism,
They cannot change, they never fade.
Thus is it, then, sweet friend! my love
From thy fond worth Time ne'er can sever;
And must a natural goodness prove:
Things made from gold are sterling ever."

At the conclusion of this song, which Zabra sang with a thrilling pathos which must have reached the heart of his auditor, the two friends were interrupted by a message from the captain, to acquaint Oriel that a pilot had come on board to conduct the vessel up the river to Canton; and that if he wished to observe the Chinese coast, there was now an excellent opportunity. All thought of poetry and music seemed forgotten for the time; for the musician and the young merchant immediately hastened upon deck.

The Albatross was passing Macao, and steering her course towards Whampoa; and a group were on the quarter-deck noticing the appearance of the country, the junks and other strange vessels they were passing, and making observations upon what they saw.

"We are approaching a people," said Fortyfolios, "who, if they are not the most ancient that exist, lay claim to an antiquity of which few could boast. They are the most extraordinary race on the globe, and the most unchangeable in their habits. Though they preceded the rest of the world in the march of civilisation; though they invented the arts of printing, and of manufacturing silk fabrics and porcelain goods; though they discovered the composition of gunpowder and the use of the magnetic compass; they have never progressed beyond these advances. Thousands of years have passed--nations that were not then in existence, in intelligence have left them far behind--and still they remain exactly as they were, and are not only indifferent to the improvements around them, but look upon all other nations as barbarians unworthy of their association. In vain have they been conquered: conquest could make no change in their habits or opinions. Among the most celebrated of their masters were the Manchews, a people doubtless so called from their attachment to cannibalism, by whom they were held in subjection for several centuries; and the English, who made a conquest of their empire when in the zenith of their greatness. Their subjugation by the latter was caused by their own pride and insolence. The Chinese were so impressed with an opinion of their own superior greatness, that they behaved to all foreigners who visited their shores for the purposes of traffic with humiliating insolence. They were only allowed to trade at one port, their merchandise was subjected to the most arbitrary duties, and their merchants were treated with every kind of insult. This was borne for a considerable period by the mercantile world, in consideration of the importance of their commerce, and the impossibility of finding their exports in other countries. But toleration only increased the audacity of the Chinese authorities. They proceeded to acts of violence: several vessels were plundered, and their crews were murdered, or carried away, and never heard of after. At last the English, having endured this treatment without being able to procure the slightest redress, determined on retaliation. From their possessions in India they invaded the Chinese territory with a powerful army, and at the same time ravaged their coasts with a naval armament that destroyed their shipping, plundered their towns, and laid their defences in ashes. The Chinese, as cowardly as they had been insolent, though possessed of an immense population and extraordinary resources, made but a feeble resistance, and were glad to purchase peace upon any terms they could make; but the English had discovered the weakness of their enemy, and had not forgotten the oppressions they had endured, and did not desist from the conflict till they had annexed the mighty empire of China to their immense dominions in India."

"All very true," added Tourniquet. "They were ignorant, bigoted, and slavish, but for all that they were the most prosperous nation under the sun, don't you see."

"Their prosperity was occasioned by the laws by which they were governed," said the professor. "Industry was encouraged. Agriculture was pursued as the most honourable occupation, as one in which the emperor delighted; and obedience was inculcated as the first duty of a citizen."

"But what was the spirit of their laws?" inquired Oriel Porphyry.

"Every father of a family was despotic in his own household: the emperor was regarded by his subjects with the same reverence that a family looked up to its domestic ruler; and an offence against the monarch was punished in a similar manner as an offence against the parent;" replied Fortyfolios.

"I can imagine no state of things so arbitrary and so contrary to common sense, don't you see;" observed the doctor. "By such a law, whether a man be a drunkard or a profligate, a fool or a knave, he has unlimited supremacy over his offspring; he can punish with death when he pleases, and the poor wretches who acknowledge his relationship, dare not murmur. He is a father; and fatherhood, like charity, covereth a multitude of sins. There is nothing so ridiculous as this notion. No individual in the great family of nature is entitled to the slightest respect, unless he is respectable in his conduct. All relationship is an accident. A father has no right to the obedience of his child, because he is his father: that can only be the most absurd of claims; for he produced the child to please himself, and at the time could have no sympathy towards an object that was not in existence."

"That cannot be disputed;" replied the professor. "But I must maintain, that obedience in a child, to a reasonable extent, ought to exist as a natural consequence of the care and anxiety of parentage."

"Granted, with the limitations;" said the surgeon. "When a father brings up his child with a proper affection, affection from the offspring ought to be expected; but in no case has the parent a right to implicit obedience, unless he has so acted, and the law he wishes to make absolute is such as will not affect the welfare of the child. In many instances the son possesses more intelligence than the father; and yet, if parental subjugation were allowed, the wise must be held in subjection by the opinion of the ignorant."

"I should imagine such a form of government likely to be very ancient;" observed Oriel.

"It is unquestionably of great antiquity, and derived from the patriarchal ages, when the oldest member of the family held supreme authority over the rest;" responded Fortyfolios.

"About as much as the ocean has originated from the drops of rain that fell from the sky, don't you see;" added the doctor.

"I maintain that the progenitors of the Chinese were a nomadic race;" said the professor rather sharply.

"Granted; and what then?" inquired the surgeon, in his usual good-humoured manner.

"That they were a collection of single families," continued Fortyfolios.

"So are all nations at the present time, don't you see;" remarked the doctor.

"Not in the manner which existed at the age to which I allude;" rejoined his antagonist. "Every man dwelt in his own tent, surrounded by his children and his children's children, and wandered with his herds and flocks, to wherever he could find them sufficient pasturage. He governed as a monarch with power of life and death, and the rules he found necessary to preserve his government he transmitted to his successor; till, the family increasing, it was found necessary that they should separate into distinct divisions, each having its own father or ruler, and, residing for mutual protection near each other, they constituted tribes. The rules, which the experience of the first father had found necessary for maintaining his authority, had been conveyed with modifications and additions through his successors, till they became possessed by the elders of the tribe, in whom all wisdom and government resided; until the increase of their numbers, and the want of sufficient accommodation, induced them to invade the more desirable territory of other tribes; and then it was that he who distinguished himself most in this warfare obtained supremacy over the rest, and having conquered other tribes, and rendered himself by his superior bravery the object of fear and admiration, he became king of all the people who acknowledged his rule, and governed them by the laws that had existed previously in his own particular family or tribe."

"A very plausible hypothesis, but nothing more, don't you see;" replied the doctor. "Doubtless all societies originated in one family, the supreme head of which did what he thought fit; but I doubt much whether he exercised such an authority as could sacrifice a life for an offence real or imaginary; or created any code of laws for the government of his relations. He did only what he thought necessary for the time; and whether that constituted a precedent or not, it is not easy to determine. The punishment which would be necessary at one time, might not be thought necessary at another, don't you see. Where the judge is absolute, and has no constitution to guide him, it is the mood in which he may be when called upon to judge, that makes the sentence severe or mild; and every judge, being independent of any higher authority, and liable to act from prejudice or partiality, would create nothing but inconsistent decisions, which could never be tolerated as a code of laws. It is opinion that creates law. The heterogeneous mass of absurdities that the few promulgate to hold the many in subjection would not be tolerated except in a state of perfect slavery. Where there is any intelligence among the people, and intelligence must make its appearance sooner or later, every law that is found existing passes the ordeal of public opinion, and if it be unwise or unjust, it will not be regarded or its abrogation will be enforced. The multitude have a better notion of the difference between right and wrong, than is generally supposed; and nothing is so productive of a clearness of distinction in these things among the people than a proper simplicity and applicability of the laws by which they are governed. It is intelligence that produces opinion, don't you see--and opinion that creates law--and law cannot long exist in opposition to opinion."

While the disputants were intently engaged in their argument, Oriel Porphyry and Zabra had walked to another part of the deck, where the captain and his lieutenant were giving orders about the management of the vessel.

"Fine old country, this, captain;" said the young merchant.

"Yes, sir," replied Hearty: "fine old country, certainly. They do say it's as old as Methusalem; but I never was in sight o' that coast, therefore can't say what difference there may be between 'em."

"You have been in this part of the world before, I should suppose?" inquired Oriel.

"Many times," responded the old man: "I knows the place well. I've been afloat ever since I was a small craft as could hardly steer without capsizing; and there arn't many seas in the world as I haven't been over. John Chinaman and I are 'ticular acquaintances, because I've seen a good deal on him. He's rather smart in his own notions o' himself, but he makes a good reefer when aboard, and he'll carry like a steam engine when ashore. Often when I've landed at this port from one or other o' your father's ships, I've seen him bearing sich loads as 'ould make a horse's back bone unkimmen ticklish. We're enterin' the river now; and after sailing a few points west of north, we shall be nigh upon the first bar, from whence we must steer due west to Whampoa, where we shall cast anchor. You'll have then to go about ten miles to the Factories, to which you must proceed in boats."

"What strange looking ships these are;" remarked Zabra, pointing to several vessels they were passing.

"Ay, they are very queer shaped craft," said the captain. "But John Chinaman's no great shakes at ship-buildin', although he thinks he's wonderful. Look at that heavy lumbering junk. She looks like a great thick-headed old muff, as does'n't know his helm from his taffrail. The Albatross would take the conceit out o' her in no time. And look at these here outlandish looking barges--there's no sense in 'em."

"The country has rather an interesting character;" observed Oriel.

"It's all accordin' to taste," replied Hearty.

"These here islands o' sand ar'nt 'ticularly lovely to my thinking; and I can't abide the ugliness o' the craft."

"In what manner do these people now behave to foreigners?" inquired Zabra.

"Why it ar'nt quite so bad as what I've read on in ancient history;" said the captain. "They've had a sick'ner for coming that sort o' fun; but they coil up their noses pretty stiffish even now. They allow travellers to wander about and examine their notables, which they did'nt use to do; but I should recommend any fellow, who's more nor ordinary 'quisitive, to look out for squalls. I have heard say as people ha' been missed who was axing their way through the country; and not a spar or a bolt-rope on 'em ever heard on again."

"About five years ago I was in this here part o' the world," said Climberkin, joining in the conversation; "and I had a very narrow escape o' bein' done for in that fashion. I was bo'sun aboard the Whittington, a reg'lar tip top merchantman, as Master Porphyry had in the China trade at that time, and after a wearisome cruise I had been jollificating up the country with a few mates, when I came alongside as smart a piece o' China ware as ever I clapped my eyes on. Well, she did'nt understand none o' my lingo, and I could'nt circumnavigate any o' her'n; but we had signals flying at our eyes like winkin', and we pretty soon heaved to, and were yard arm and yard arm, and looked at each other till all was blue again. I discovered that she belonged to the crew o' a man-tea-maker's 'stablishment, and got her livin' pretty comfortable, by alays 'turnin' over a new leaf (though she never did nuffin wrong to sinnify); and so I thought as how if that was the way o' sailin', I might bring her to book wi' her own leave, without any botheration whatsomdever. Just as I was making way in the business, I received a 'munication from one o' my mates, who was up to their lingo, that some half a dozen o' the Chinamen with whom she 'sociated, were on a reg'lar take in about my consortin' wi' her, and had entered into a 'spiracy to nail down the hatches on my goings on. Me and my little frigate were in the habit o' cruisin' in a grove o' prime timber, by the side o' a rice field, and it was here-about's that the man-tea-makers thought o' dishing me as strong as could be; but I took care that they should meet wi' a mighty difference. After preparin' every thin' as was necessary, I got my mates to lie in ambush, and began a courtin' a way in a style as would make the jealousy rise out o' a dead nigger. I had'nt been long at this here fun, when up comes the whole lot on 'em screechin' like mad, and they bears down upon me threatenin' the most completest spiflification as you can imagine. Their eyes flared up most immensely. Their teeth seemed playing at knives to grind; and they whirled about monstrous bludgeons that would have made no bones o' me, had I suffered 'em to scrape my acquaintance. My cretur struck her flag and down she went; but before the teapots came to close quarters, I put my bo'sun's whistle into play; and pulled out a pair of 'do-for-you's,' as my mates coming up and showing the same signs o' welcome, surrounded the poor devils in such a way as they could'nt move no how."

"And what did you do with your rivals?" inquired Oriel, considerably amused by the lieutenant's narrative.

"Why, I'd al'ays heard it recommended to do as you'd be done by," replied Climberkin; "so we got the sticks from the Chinamen, and took the flavour out on 'em in a manner as left 'em nuffin to complain of. But we wern't satisfied with such an act o' justice. You must know that each o' these tea-dealers has a tail to his head, from two to three feet long, o' which he is as proud as is a peacock o' his tail, and shaves all the rest o' his cranium as smooth as glass. Knowin' this, we'd brought lots o' rosin and twine; and, while some o' our chaps made 'em lump it if they didn't like it most considerably, we spliced them all together from the small ends down'ards, for several inches, strong and tight as a patent cable; then, seeing a tree close at hand with the loveliest fork possible for our purpose, we hauled 'em up wi' ropes over the branch till half on 'em hung on one side and half on the tother, by nuffin in the world but their own precious tails. Didn't they raise a bit of a shindy! Such howlin', such squallin'--such kickin', such scratchin'--such a reg'lar rowdy-dow no set o' humans ever made afore. And there we left 'em, as the ancient poet says, wi' each partic'lar hair standin' on end, while we crowded all sail to our own ship."

"It was rather too bad of you, lieutenant," said the merchant's son, attempting unsuccessfully to look grave; "and I wonder you did not get yourself into trouble in consequence."

"Why it did raise a smartish bit o' a bobbery," replied Climberkin; "but we all kept so snug aboard, and sailed so soon arter, that not one on us were diskivered."

"We shall anchor immediately," said the captain, returning to the group he had left to speak to the pilot. "Is it your wish, sir, to go ashore?"

"I must be at Canton without delay," rejoined Oriel Porphyry.

"Man the galley, and get a boat's crew ready to proceed up the river," shouted Hearty to the second lieutenant.

"Ay, ay, sir," was the ready reply; and while the boat was lowered into the sea, and all her appurtenances provided, Zabra and his patron made their arrangements for landing on the Chinese territory.

CHAP. VII.

A CHINESE POET.

In an elegant room, the floor of which was covered with clean white matting, while the furniture, consisting principally of a divan or sofa, mirrors, pictures, couches, Japan tables, and large porcelain vases, was of a superior description, cross-legged on the divan, eating sweetmeats from a small silver saucer, richly chased, which he held in his hand, sat a young man, of less than the ordinary stature, with a countenance that seemed possessed of a perpetual melancholy. He was dressed with the most studied effect. He wore a robe of dark rich silk, and over it a vest of delicate blue satin, beautifully figured. Upon his head, which was shaved, with the exception of a long lock of hair that hung from the crown over the shoulder, was a small black cap of fine felt, with the brim turned up, and the crown, of a conical shape, covered with a fringe of scarlet silk, having a peculiar button in front. Below wide trowsers were seen stockings of silk, remarkably thin, having their feet cased in small slippers of embroidered satin; and round his waist was a girdle, drawn very tight, to which was appended a small gold case, a purse, and a pouch of silk. Opposite to him sat Oriel Porphyry and Zabra, in their usual dresses, also eating sweetmeats from similar saucers.

"What an ineffable felicity I enjoy in being able to speak your language," observed the young Chinese.

"I have no doubt you find it an advantage in your communication with foreigners," replied the merchant's son.

"An advantage!" exclaimed the other rapturously. "By the great Fo, 'tis the most superlative of enjoyments. I bless the gods that my mother was an Anglo-Indian, and that she conferred on me the exquisite gratifications arising from proficiency in the use of her language. My father passed a great portion of his life in India, and acquired a facility in its pronunciation which is rarely obtained by a Chinese; so that I was born with extraordinary advantages."

"You were fortunate, certainly," added Oriel.

"Fortunate! By the immaculate tail of Confucius, I was favoured beyond all experience," cried his host.

There being nothing more to say on that subject, at least so the young merchant thought, he inquired--"Your father, I suppose, will be here shortly?"

"He is paying his devotions at the neighbouring temple. Long Chi enjoys a religious reputation, and he loves the society of holy men. But I was telling you of the indescribable happiness I possess in having acquired a proficiency in my mother tongue," added Long Chi the younger. "I am blest with a poetic genius."

"Indeed!" exclaimed Zabra, with some surprise.

"Wonderful as it may appear, the fact is what I have stated," replied the young poet, putting down the silver saucer on a small japanned table before him, and opening the pouch at his side, from which he took a bundle of papers. "I may say that my compositions have attracted an extraordinary degree of attention in the world of letters. They are considered phenomena in literature, I assure you. Do not imagine I wish to overrate their value. I should not think of such a thing for the thousandth part of a moment; and to prove this to you, allow me to enrapture you with some of my effusions."

"Certainly," said Oriel, expecting at least to be amused.

"The effort of a profound sublimity I am about to breathe into your enlightened ears, you will have the intellectual discrimination to observe, is a perfect specimen of the true Anglian pastoral," remarked Long Chi. "It has been created by that etherial sense of delicious enjoyment which your ancient poets called love. She for whose immaculate glorification it was called into existence, is a combination of miraculous excellencies--an incarnation of inconceivable perfections; and therefore your superior sagacities must not deem it at all more than ordinary extraordinary, if the merits of this indestructible conception fill you with a ravishing amazement."

"From what you have said I should expect something particularly clever," observed Zabra, evidently considerably amused by the poet's phraseology.

"Clever!" exclaimed the young Chinese, with emphatic fervour. "By the great Fo you will find it supernaturally perfect." Then arranging a rumple in his vest, and taking a glance of satisfaction at the reflection of his person in a large mirror beside him, with a slow and careful enunciation of each word, and a peculiar wave of the hand to mark the measure, the melancholy poet read the following verses:--

"Have you seen my Fee Fo Fum,
Tell me did she this way come?
She it is of whom I speak
Hath a pink on either cheek;
In the middle of her face
Is a flower of nameless grace,
Which the name of nose hath known,
And blooms the brightest when 'tis blown.
And her eyes are garden plots
Filled with young forget-me-nots,
That by lovers' eyes are found
Flow'ring all the seasons round.
Shepherds did she this way come?
Have you seen my Fee Fo Fum?

"If below her nose you look,
There's a little rosy nook;
Two twin buds half open ask,
Smiling, for some fondling task,
While within, in each row,
The lilies of the valley grow.
Just beneath them both begins
The blossom of the best of chins;
Fair and round, and smooth as silk,
And like a peach fresh bathed in milk.
Shepherds, did she this way come?
Have you seen my Fee Fo Fum?

"Breast of mutton, breast of veal,
All your merits now conceal;
What can ye afford to taste
Half so pleasant, half so chaste,
As the dainty bits that lie
Hid from epicurean eye?
What to them compared are ye,
Calipash and calipee?
Go! the sweeter flesh I've known
Wants no sauce to coax it down.
Shepherds, did she this way come?
Have you seen my Fee Fo Fum?

"She of whom I'm in pursuit
Hath to these a foot 'to boot;'
Such a foot! 'tis like a rose,
Budding out with five small toes.
Calf's foot, likened as a treat,
To a jelly it would beat:
She hath two--but my regard
Makes each foot excel a yard--
Go any lengths it might reveal,
Save when she turns upon her heel.
Shepherds, did she this way come?
Have you seen my Fee Fo Fum?"

"It certainly is a superlative composition," remarked Zabra, attempting to conceal a laugh.

"I can safely say I never heard any thing like it," added Oriel in a similar tone.

"I entertained an incipient conviction that you would find it marvellously admirable," replied the poet, elevating his head, and stroking his mustachios. "'Tis ineffably divine, is it not?"

"Beautiful!" exclaimed both, looking at each other with a smile of peculiar meaning.

"Beautiful!" echoed Long Chi, raising his voice and eyebrows. "By the invulnerable tail of Confucius, 'tis something for which a name cannot be found. But exquisitely perfect as it may be, here is a production that excels it in the very unapproachableness of its excellence."

While the two friends listened with admirable patience, the young Chinese unfolded another paper, and read with the same gravity these lines:--

"When first we met 'twas in the spring,
When dicky birds begin to sing,
When nature dishes up her greens
To make removes for rural scenes;
And teaches, with unaltered brows,
When trees take leaf, to make their boughs;
Then first I met thee passing by,
Then first I had thee--in my eye.

"When next we met 'twas summer time,
When trees, well loaded, seemed to prime;
And other plants just taking root,
Meaning no harm, began to shoot;
When beans their hollow 'shells' would doff,
And marrow fats were going off;
Then first our hearts were growing warm,
Then first I had thee--arm in arm.

"'Twas autumn when we met again,
When sunshine parched the peas and plain;
When plums are blooming on the wall,
And into flour would gladly fall;
When apples are to fritters torn,
And earth's square feet feel many a corn:
Then first did I forget my fears,
Then first I had thee--box my ears.

"I saw thee last when winter, nice
In eating, loves to have his ice;
When 'cold without' comes near and far,
And all his sweetmeats frosted are,
To ballot when the white balls roll
Unask'd for, hastening to the poll:
Then first I 'broke the ice,' and then
Was I the happiest of men."

"That exceeds the last certainly," said Oriel Porphyry, amused with the perfect gravity with which the poet read his verses.

"It appears to me quite a new style of poetry," remarked Zabra, with as much seriousness as he could assume.

"Unquestionably! it is novel in the novelest degree," replied Long Chi, smiling with all the graciousness of gratified vanity. "I may with the most complete justice lay claim to be the origin in which originated its originality. I have studied sublimity. By the great Fo, I may say that; and I have found the sublime in every individual natural thing that is in nature; but in cookery and confectionary it predominates, as must be evident to the inquisitive investigation of any man of taste. It is the opinion of the most discriminative judges, that no writer of serious poetry can compete with me."

"In that opinion every one must coincide," observed Zabra.

"There can be no question on the subject," added Oriel.

"Who shall say you are barbarians, when you exhibit such a superabundant knowledge of the beautiful?" exclaimed the Chinese, with all the energy he could assume. "I am immeasurably enraptured to notice such an admirable judgment; and, as an additional proof of the satisfaction I receive from your friendly attention, I will still, to a much more infinite extent, delight your auditory nerves with one of the most serious of my efforts in serious poetry. Mark the true sublime; mark it well, and see how splendidly it agrees with the magnificent subject. It is an ode to a sugarplum."

The poet unfolded another paper; and the young merchant shrugged up his shoulders, as he heard its contents read with the same tone and manner as its predecessors.

"How shall I grasp a subject so immense?
No power of human sense,
Not all the vast
Ideas within the Present and the Past--
Not algebra's most unknown quantity could give the sum
Of greatness in a sugar plum!

"What with its sweetness can compete?
How much it beats the beet!
Shall manna dare,
Wanting in manners, with it to compare?
And honey's linked sweetness, long drawn out, is all a hum,
'Tis nothing to a sugar plum!

"Who can deny the sense of truth
It gives the tongue of youth?
It hath the praise
Of being always candied in its ways,
And stops the carping critic's mouth till he becometh dumb,
Delighted with a sugar plum!

"Comfit, come fit my mouth, and I
In thy sweet praise will try
My hand at feet,
With anxious aim to make the metre meet,
Till Arabic, or any other diff'rent sort of gum,
Shall water for a sugar plum.

"Muse, if thy musings can prevail,
I'll at it tooth and nail;
I have no nerves
Of taste for syrups, jellies, or preserves;
Oh, let them go to pot, say I, as so much worthless scum,
They cannot make a sugar plum.

"Bull's eyes may stick within the shop,
And so may lollapop,
Elecampane
Unsucked within its bottles may remain;
And barley sugar, brandy balls, or even balls of rum,
I'd spurn to get a sugar plum.

"Plums from the trees I do not find
So plummy to my mind;
Orleans or egg
Unnoticed for my patronage may beg;
And damsons may be da--; ah, I'm in a passion, I say mum,
I'll swear not for a sugar plum."

"You excel yourself, sir," said Oriel Porphyry, with something of sarcasm in the tone of his voice, arising, perhaps, from his becoming a little out of patience.

"By the unsophisticated tail of Confucius, you may say that," replied the poet with the same seriousness he had from the first evinced. "Having, in so unutterable a manner, obtained the precedency of my promiscuous cotemporaries, I had no alternative but to enter into competition with myself. That I have to so wonderful an extent exceeded my own super-excellence, therefore, cannot be considered strange; but, as you are evidently gratified in a manner perfectly unparalleled by the unimaginable superiority of my poetic genius, I will show my consideration of your admirable sagacity by enrapturing you still more completely by a more transcendental attempt at the sublime;" and the young Chinese began unfolding another paper.

"Not now, I'm very much obliged to you," said Oriel, rising as if to depart. "I have business of importance that requires my immediate attendance; and, having waited for Long Chi so long, I am afraid I cannot protract my visit."

"Not to be ravished by the immortal praises of the adorable Fee Fo Fum?" exclaimed the melancholy poet in the utmost astonishment.

"I cannot allow myself that pleasure at present," said the merchant's son, courteously, yet looking as if he was impatient to be gone.

"I've written an indestructible epos in fifty cantos, descriptive of all her beauties, with a due regard of anatomy. I'll read you the whole of it, if you will stay," added the lover.

"I'm infinitely thankful; but my time is precious," observed Oriel, making rapid strides to the door.

"I will enrapture you with a thousand hexameters declaratory of my incommunicable affections," shouted the prolific versifier.

"Good morning to you, Long Chi," exclaimed Oriel Porphyry, as he opened the door, evidently very desirous of making his escape. He was on the point of leaving the room, accompanied by Zabra, when he was stopped in his progress by the appearance of a stout elderly Chinese, wearing the appearance of profound gravity. No sooner had he entered, than the poet shuffled his papers hastily into his pouch, jumped off the divan, and approached the stranger with looks of veneration and awe.

"Father, here are the barbarians you expected," said he. The ceremony of introduction was soon over; the two friends returned to their seats; and old Long Chi, seating himself cross-legged on the divan, commenced a conversation with his visitors, while his son remained standing beside him in respectful attention. He was dressed in a fashion somewhat similar to that of the younger Chinese; but the materials were not so gay, nor were they formed with so much neatness; and he wore boots of black satin instead of slippers, and a short cloak of fine cloth trimmed with fur.

"I have been sacrificing at the temple, which has detained me longer than I anticipated," said Long Chi the elder. "But religion is the first concern of life. Nothing should stand in the way of religion. The Bonzes are the only teachers of truth; and the worship of Fo is the only way that leads to virtue."

Neither Zabra nor his patron attempted to dispute this doctrine.

"I have been reading, father," falteringly uttered the poet--"I have been reading----"

"Hold your tongue, Long Chi," exclaimed his parent sharply.

"Father, I obey," murmured the obedient youth.

"Obedience is the first of virtues, and duty to parents the first of all obedience," remarked the old man, with a tone that seemed to his son more infallible than the sentence. "Children, obey your parents, saith our religion; and if they are disobedient we give them a touch of the bamboo." The poet at this moment looked remarkably grave. "Subjects, obey your rulers, saith the law; and if we become unruly _we_ get a touch of the bamboo." And the father looked as grave as his son.

"That is, I suppose, what is called being bamboo-zled," observed Oriel Porphyry with a smile.

"It is no laughing matter to us, I can assure you," added the old man feelingly; "but it is a fine thing for children. Our religion says, Spare the bamboo, and spoil the child: and I'm attentive to religion."

"I wish it said, Spoil the bamboo, and----"

"Hold your tongue, Long Chi!" thundered out the parent.

"Father, I obey," tremblingly replied the son.

"The bastinado is the best thing in the world for children," continued the elder, frowning upon his offspring. "We are obliged to provide for their bodies, and it is but proper we should do what we can for their soles. When a schism occurs in the family, I always punish it in that way."

"Then it becomes a sole-cism," added the young man, sorrowfully.

The old Chinese snatched up a heavy bamboo cane with which he had been walking, and swung it furiously round his head, with the intention of dealing a severe blow upon the poet's shoulders, but the lover of the adorable Fee Fo Fum jumped out of the way with more agility than submission, and the blow chipped off a corner of the japanned table.

"Is this the way you show your obedience, you undutiful wretch?" shouted Long Chi, as he jumped off the divan, in a rage after the offender. "Where's your religion? Where's your duty to parents? Spare the bamboo and spoil the child! Come and be bastinadoed, you ungrateful youth!" So saying, he waddled after his son as rapidly as he could, making desperate attempts to knock him down; but as Long Chi the younger not only was not so dutiful as to wait to be bastinadoed, but jumped out of the way of the blows as fast as they were aimed at him, Long Chi the elder, much fatigued by his exertions, at last returned to the divan, after having afforded infinite diversion to his visitors.

"I wonder the roof doesn't fall in and cover you, you unnatural offspring!" exclaimed the father, shaking the bamboo at his son, who stood trembling at a respectful distance; then wiping the perspiration from his shaven crown, he added, addressing the young friends, and the poet, by turns, "You are shocked, no doubt, at this instance of youthful depravity--Oh the graceless scoundrel! to run away from his affectionate father, who was going to beat him black and blue!--But I am happy to say, that there are few children in China so indifferent to the mild virtues of paternal government.--Come here, and let me knock your undutiful head into a thousand pieces, you vagabond!--It is a sad thing, I acknowledge, for the father of a family, who is anxious to bring up a child in the way it should go, to find it so insensible of his loving-kindness.--Oh, if I had you near enough, I'd smash you into a custard, you graceless varlet!--but you see a parent's heart is always overflowing with natural affection for his own flesh and blood.--By the great Fo, I should be delighted to bastinado you within an inch of your life!--Religion and morality, in these atheistical times, are thought nothing of by some children.--Haven't I brought you up, you heathen! on purpose to knock you down?--But this isn't the worst of it--they have become rank republicans. They have no proper notion of law, order, or government. When the father takes to his bamboo, the son takes to his heels--abominable rebel!--and when one flies in a passion the other flies in his face--unparalleled traitor!"

The entrance of servants, announcing that dinner was ready, put an end to the altercation; and Long Chi the elder, with much suavity, pressed his visitors to remain his guests for the remainder of the day; which invitation Oriel Porphyry, imagining that he should be free from all persecution from the rhyming propensities of his host's son, and expecting some amusement from the peculiarities of the two, forgot his engagements, and agreed to prolong his visit. Long Chi the elder then took one hand of each of his guests in his own and proceeded with them into a handsome apartment, furnished in a style similar to the one they had left. In the centre was a small low table, having four seats or cushions at its sides. The father and son sat opposite each other, cross-legged: and their visitors sat as comfortably as they could, facing each other, at the other sides of the table. Before each was placed three elegant porcelain saucers, one containing soy, another a small quantity of vinegar, and the other was empty; and, beside these, were two little ivory sticks. The other part of the table was covered with similar porcelain saucers, filled with various specimens of Chinese cookery in fish, flesh, and fowl, cut small; and servants handed round these with dishes of vegetables, such as cabbages, cucumbers, rice, and cauliflowers; and pastry of many different kinds, as they were directed by the host.

Both Oriel and Zabra watched with considerable surprise the two Chinese take the little ivory sticks in the three first fingers of the right hand, and, placing the head forward, and opening the mouth wide, dip them in the saucers, catching up pieces of flesh, which they flavoured with the vinegar, and dexterously flinging them into their mouths; and repeating the process so rapidly, that the eye could scarcely follow their movements. The guests attempted the same manoeuvres; but, as may easily be imagined, they were not so successful: for one piece that went into the mouth, a dozen went out; and, rapidly as the different saucers were handed to them, by the desire of the master of the house, they found that their appetites were not in any thing like the same degree becoming satisfied. Pieces of silver paper were frequently placed near them, with which they as frequently wiped their mouths and fingers, and not before such an operation was required; for their awkward attempts at imitating their entertainers occasioned them to deposit on their persons a considerable portion of the gravy or sauces in which the meat was dressed. Old Long Chi was indefatigable in endeavouring to make his visiters taste the contents of every saucer upon the table; in which effort they would gladly have seconded him, had their ability kept pace with their inclinations; but, to their exceeding disappointment, they found that the more they tried the less they swallowed; and, although they dipped their sticks and bobbed their heads after the savoury viands as they dropped from their treacherous hold, they had the mortification of finding, when the saucers were cleared away, that they were left in the enjoyment of quite as much appetite as they possessed when they first sat down to dinner.

Several kinds of soups were now brought on table, in curious boat-shaped vessels of porcelain; and with these, to the great gratification of the guests, appeared ivory spoons. Every one of the soups was tasted; and gladly would Oriel have made use of his spoon upon the more substantial cookeries that had been carried away: but he saw no more of them; and, the table having been cleared of the soups, fruits, and preserves, with glasses of a spirit made from rice were handed round. At this time, Long Chi the elder bent his head reverentially, and said, in a fervent manner, and with an audible voice,

"Grant, O Fo, that the good things thou hast so bountifully provided for us do not interfere with our digestion, or trouble us with apoplexy!" and left the apartment to change his dress; soon after which the guests, preceded by the younger Long Chi, returned to the saloon, where they partook of tea and sweetmeats.

"Now that the old boy has gone," said the melancholy poet, as soon as he had seated himself on the divan, "I will give you the felicitous gratification of hearing the perusal of my great epic in praise of the adorable Fee Fo Fum."

"Not for the world!" exclaimed Oriel Porphyry, with remarkable emphasis; "I would not trouble you on any account."

"Trouble!" cried the lover, as he commenced searching in his pouch; "by the inconceivable tail of Confucius, 'tis to me the most superlatively exquisite of extraordinary gratifications; and, when you come to entertain a proper consciousness of the inestimable treasures of intellectual greatness, which I have lavished with so profuse a liberality for the purpose of giving immortality to the unrivalled attractions of the adorable Fee Fo Fum, you will acknowledge, with that profound sagacity which you have already evinced by your commendation of my incorruptible effusions, that the particular portions of the diurnal revolution you have passed in obtaining an adequate knowledge of its innumerable excellences, has appeared to you to proceed with such an agreeable velocity, that you cannot, with any particular positiveness, assert that you have, during that period, been in a state which is vulgarly called existence."

"There is no doubt of it," replied Oriel, with considerable uneasiness, as he observed his tormentor unfolding a paper for perusal; "but I can only enjoy such things at certain periods; and at present I am positive that the merits of your productions would be entirely lost upon me."

"By the great Fo, impossible!" exclaimed the poet. "In what corner of the world hides the wretch so lost to every noble feeling--so lost to every sense of excellence--so inhuman, unnatural, and preposterously ignorant--as to listen to the incorruptible wisdom with which I can enlighten him, and not become transported into the very heaven of heavens?"

"You have already enlightened us to an extent as far as our limited intellects allow us to be enlightened by such productions as those you have read," observed Zabra, with an earnest attempt to be serious; "and it would be only throwing away the talents you possess on persons utterly incompetent to appreciate their merits, if you continue the perusal of your effusions."

"All imaginary," said the persevering versifier; "and you will forget it in your sense of the sublime which must be excited by hearing the perusal of the following passage." Long Chi the younger had opened his manuscript, had made a preparatory flourish of his hand, and had commenced some description, with the ordinary exclamation, "Oh!" when, happening to cast his eye towards the door, he encountered the frowning visage of his father. His hand dropped from its elevation: he quickly whipped his papers into his pouch, and jumped off the divan, with a celerity particularly acceptable to Zabra and his companion.

Old Long Chi appeared in a dress much more splendid than the one he had previously worn; and, gravely fixing himself in the seat his son had vacated, he commenced a conversation upon the business and voyage of his guests. Old Long Chi was a merchant of considerable experience and great wealth, with whom Master Porphyry had long had commercial dealings. He was remarkable for a profound gravity, a pair of moustachios the points of which descended to his chin, and a tail of hair which was the admiration of all his countrymen. Although he had passed the early part of his life in India, and had married an Anglo-Indian, on his return, like all Chinese, he continued the customs of his country, and gloried in its fancied superiority over the rest of the world. He had always been distinguished as a severe moralist. He seemed desirous of acquiring the praise of the Bonzes for the regularity of his attendance at the temples; and sought to be respected in society for the liberality of his contributions towards religious objects. Oriel and he were a considerable time agreeing about some merchandise that both had to barter; during which the melancholy poet stood at a respectful distance, looking at his parent, and then at the bamboo, with more dread than affection; while Zabra amused himself by taking notice of the scene before him.

"You have not seen much of our incomparable country, I suppose?" inquired the old man as he sipped a strong infusion of the tea leaf from a beautiful porcelain cup.

"I have only landed this morning," replied his guest.

"Ah! then you have much to see," added the other. "It is the most ancient government under the sun; and such a government! such laws, such institutions, and such a religion! The Emperor is quite a father to his subjects."

"With the bamboo, father?" asked his son tremblingly.

"Hold you tongue, Long Chi!" bawled out the old man.

"Father, I obey!" murmured the youth submissively.

"Are the laws mild in their operation?" inquired Zabra.

"Remarkably so," replied Long Chi the elder. "When punishment is inflicted, it is done on the most humane principles: you may get bastinadoed till you faint with pain; and then you will get bastinadoed till you recover."

"How very paternal!" exclaimed the young Long Chi emphatically.

"Silence, Long Chi!" shouted the old man.

"Father, I obey!" said his obedient son.

Both Zabra and his patron seemed much amused by this description of the mildness of the Chinese laws; but, fearing, if he pressed the subject much farther, the bamboo might come into operation in the domestic sovereignty with a similar character, Oriel Porphyry said,--

"I was much surprised with the great variety of dishes that appeared at dinner."

"Our preparations for the table are endless," responded his host. "In our cookery books we have fifty different ways of dressing dogs' ears."

"I could find a way of dressing dogs' ears in any book," muttered the melancholy poet at a distance.

"I'll give yours a dressing, you puppy! if you don't hold your tongue," bawled his father.

"Dogs' ears!" exclaimed Zabra in surprise: "we had none to-day, had we?"

"We had six different varieties, of each of which you partook," replied the other.

"Bah!" said Oriel Porphyry, with a countenance expressing any thing but pleasure.

"But that was not the only delicacy brought on table," continued the old man. "You seemed particularly to enjoy a fricassee of the rats of Loo Choo."

"Rats! we haven't been eating rats, surely?" demanded Zabra, as if horrorstruck at the idea.

"And you swallowed nearly the whole of the soup made from the large slugs of Japan!" he added.

"Ugh!" exclaimed both his visiters in a breath, looking in the highest degree disgusted at the idea of such fare.

"It is dangerous," said the melancholy poet, gravely, "to load either the stomach or your arms with slugs; especially----" He was not allowed time to finish the sentence; for, seeing his father snatch up the dreaded bamboo, and spring off the divan towards him, with a look threatening utter extermination, he dived under a table, leaped over an ottoman, dodged round several vases, and then rapidly made his exit out at the door, closely pursued by his parent; and their visiters, fancying that they had had quite enough of Chinese hospitality, hastened their departure.

They were proceeding through the narrow streets of Canton, bounded by the gloomy walls that shut out the houses from public view, experiencing some very disagreeable sensations, when they heard a violent altercation, and thought they distinguished voices familiar to them. They listened.

"Oh! oh! oh! This is not arguing logically. Oh! oh! This is demonstration without reason. Oh! oh! oh!" was heard amid a shower of blows.

"Oh! oh! you're breaking my back--don't you see! Ah! murder! help!" was shouted with similar accompaniments; and a door in the wall opening, out ran Fortyfolios and Tourniquet, making a desperate outcry, and vainly striving to save themselves from the thick sticks of half a dozen infuriated Chinese, who were belabouring them without mercy. Oriel, as soon as he saw the state of the case, rushed in amongst the attacking party; quickly deprived one of his weapon, and laid about him with such dexterity and vigour, that three out of the six were left senseless on the ground, and the rest had vanished before the philosophers discovered to whom they were indebted for their rescue.

"I am astonished that I should have found you in such a situation," remarked the young merchant to the professor and his companion, who, with most rueful visages, were busily engaged in rubbing their legs, shoulders, arms, and backs.

"Why, I will explain it to you as logically as I can," said Fortyfolios, moving his features and body into an abundance of contortions. "Oh, this pain! it certainly is a physical evil."

"That I deny!" eagerly exclaimed the other, writhing from the effects of his beating. "Pain is a perception of the mind, and cannot exist independently of mental perceptions--don't you see?"