Chapter IV: Part 4

The only exception to this rule is in sending out P.P.C. cards.

These are always sent by post. The letters denote _pour prendre congé_ (“to take leave”), and are used when it is found impossible to call and say goodbye to all one’s circle of acquaintance.

A call after a ball or dinner-party must be made within the week, and cards left.

[Sidenote: Sickness and death.]

In calling to inquire after the welfare of an invalid, or after the family has suffered bereavement, cards are always left. If a man is on intimate terms with a family that has suffered bereavement, he sometimes uses cards with a slight line of black, and should he write a letter of condolence, notepaper and envelopes with the same slight indication of mourning on them. This expresses sympathy and a personal share in the sorrow felt.

In making a call after death has visited any family, the dress of the caller should be attuned to the occasion, and should be of a sombre order, though it need not be precisely mourning.

When a man is a frequent visitor to any house, he may leave his hat and stick in the hall.

The umbrella is never taken into a drawing-room.

[Sidenote: After an invitation.]

Cards must be left after an invitation, whether the latter be accepted or not.

In case of not wishing to pursue the acquaintance of the person who sent the invitation, it is sufficient to leave the cards without inquiring whether the lady is at home.

[Sidenote: Terminating an acquaintanceship with courtesy.]

If a man should wish, for any reason, to courteously end an acquaintanceship, he can do it without any of the intolerable “cutting,” a method resorted to only by the rough and uncultivated.

[Sidenote: The final call.]

He may make a call that, in his own mind, he knows to be a final one, remaining only just the quarter of an hour that is the minimum length of such functions, and preserving a certain gravity of demeanour which is as free from “sulks” as it is from other forms of bad temper. After this, he may leave cards once more without asking if the ladies of the family are at home. In this way he can gradually and with perfect courtesy break off the intimacy.

[Sidenote: In the street.]

In the street he raises his hat but does not stop to speak. It is quite possible to ignore the attempt to do so on the opposite side, but should circumstances be such as to make it difficult to do so without positive rudeness, he must stop, putting an end to the conversation at the earliest possible moment.

[Sidenote: Duration of call.]

A call should never extend over half an hour unless the caller be expressly requested to prolong it.

[Sidenote: Consulting the watch.]

A gentleman never looks at his watch during a call, at a dinner-party, afternoon reception or ball. This is prohibited because the inference would be that time was dragging with him and that he was anxious to get away. A man may feel such anxiety, but he must hide it if he would be deemed well-bred.

Young men who do not pay their duty call and leave a card after any entertainment, are likely to be omitted from the list of guests invited on some succeeding occasion.

[Sidenote: When a man finds himself “dropped.”]

Occasionally it happens that a young man finds himself “dropped” by some family with whom he has been on terms of intimacy. He is debarred by the rules of polite society from asking for an explanation, it being a canon of good breeding never to ask questions that are embarrassing to reply to. This has been embodied in a very outspoken and unceremonious phrase “you ask me no questions, I tell you no lies.” There is a deep truth in it, nevertheless, and even in family life it is well to observe it.

Sometimes the reason a young man is dropped in this way is that something to his disadvantage has been discovered.

[Sidenote: An occasional reason.]

But not unfrequently the true reason is that one of the daughters of the house has shown a preference for his society which the parents think should be checked. Girls of the present day do not always exercise the well-bred self-control that is the rule of good society in such matters. To love unsought is a misfortune for any girl, leading inevitably to much mortification and humiliation, but these may be minimised if she can only practice a dignified reticence about her feelings.

[Sidenote: Putting out a feeler.]

But should a young man thus capriciously (as it seems to him) be left out in the cold be on sufficiently good terms with a son of the house, it would be quite in rule for him to put out a feeler or two on the subject: “I say, old fellow, I wonder if I have been so unfortunate as to offend your people in any way?” He will soon discover, from the aspect of his interlocutor, whether he is likely to gain any information on the matter.

CALLS OF INQUIRY.

[Sidenote: Calling on friends bereaved.]

In calling on friends who have suffered bereavement, after having received their card of thanks for kind inquiries, it is, of course, requisite that the dress should be of the quietest description. A red tie, for instance, would be horribly out of place. Only in case of very intimate friendships is the call prolonged beyond ten minutes or a quarter of an hour. The caller takes his tone from that of the family.

[Sidenote: Avoiding reference to the loss.]

It is in the worst taste to refer to the loss sustained unless the initiative is taken by one of those bereaved. This is very seldom done, and the conversation is usually conducted on lines calculated to avert any disturbing remark. No one likes to break down or lose self-command except in seclusion; and, in fact, it is only necessary to look into one’s own consciousness in order to discover what is the best course to follow in such cases.

[Sidenote: Attending the funeral.]

Should a young man be invited to attend the funeral, he must wear mourning, black gloves, and black hatband. Punctuality, important at all times, is particularly essential at this dreary ceremonial. The family usually provides carriages, but in the case of friends who possess equipages, they always take their own. It is the custom to assemble at the house, or to go by fixed train should the family reside in the country.

[Sidenote: Invitations to return.]

It is better not to accept any invitations to return to the house afterwards; for, as a rule, these are only given as a matter of form.

[Sidenote: Gifts of flowers.]

We often see in newspapers after the announcement of a death, a request that no flowers may be sent. Failure to comply with this would argue a want of perception, but when no such intimation is made a friend may send flowers, the only essential being that they should consist as a rule of pure white flowers or orchids, pansies, or violets. Occasionally an exception is made to these in the case of favourite flowers of the lost friend. An exquisite garland of pale tea-roses appeared among the scores of wreaths seen at the funeral of one of our greatest poets.

_MANNER._

[Sidenote: The importance of a good manner.]

It would not be easy to over-estimate the importance of a good manner from a social point of view. It ranks far above much more important qualities. The “rough diamonds” who conceal their traditional good heart under a surly exterior are seldom happy people, notwithstanding their genuine thoroughness and real goodness.

[Sidenote: The qualities valued by society.]

In family life and in society a gentle manner “covers a multitude of sins.” The world and the home reflect back to us the face we present to them. If we cultivate a bright and cordial manner we shall be heartily received by others, though the real nature of us lies beneath as cold and hard as salt fresh from a mine. In the home the coldness and hardness are soon found out, but they are partially condoned for the sake of the superficial courtesy and kindness. In society the quality of the heart matters little, so long as the surface is, at the same time, genial and polished.

[Sidenote: “Life is a large bundle of little things.”]

Life is chiefly made up of small things, and if we learn to take an interest in the trifling incidents of our friends’ lives, in the everyday occurrences in the existence of our acquaintances, we supply the sympathetic element that tells so largely in our favour.

[Sidenote: Simulation may induce reality.]

And very often the simulation of this interest induces the reality, and our own life is brightened by participating in the pleasures and the happiness of others, and deepened by sharing in their disappointments, and by doing so helping them to overcome them. With a cold, forbidding manner it is impossible to convey any such impression.

[Sidenote: Shyness.]

But this often comes from shyness, not only in the young, but all through life. The youthful form of shyness is self-consciousness and self-distrust. That which lasts through life is the fear of self-revelation.

[Sidenote: And reticence.]

Even the frankest natures have often this quality of reticence, which forbids them to reveal the inner depths of their thoughts, and makes them hate to be divined.

Rochefoucauld says we all hate to be divined, though we like to divine others; but many of us know well what a delightful thing it is to be read like an open book by those whose thoughts reflect our own, and with whom we discover ourselves to be in mental kinship.

[Sidenote: The ideal life--few friends, many acquaintances.]

The ideal life is that which has few friends but many acquaintances. The friends are close and firm ones, “grappled to our hearts with hooks of steel,” and the circle of acquaintances offers opportunities for adding to their number. But without an agreeable manner it is difficult to secure these inner and outer spheres of social companionship.

[Sidenote: A recipe for the formation of a good manner.]

Were I asked to give a recipe for the formation of a good manner I should recommend an equal mixture of self-confidence and humility as the first essential, then a considerable desire to please, tempered by the self-respect which preserves from officiousness and that annoying air of “ingratiating” themselves that some men assume in society. There must be perfect self-possession, though in the very young this is scarcely expected, a little becoming shyness sitting very well upon them. “I like a shy man. He’s getting so scarce,” said a very pretty woman at a ball not long since. “Find one, quick, and introduce him.” Her laughing emissaries went off to search for the desired article, and after a while returned with the report that the only shy man in the room was engaged for every dance!

[Sidenote: Add gentleness to self-possession.]

When self-possession has been acquired it is well to add on to it the saving grace of gentleness. This quality is much misunderstood by men. In women they adore it; in themselves and each other they undervalue it. But women love gentleness in men. It is a most telling piece of the necessary equipment for society. A gentle manner, a gentle voice, and the absence of all self-assertion, that is at the root of the matter, have won more love than good looks.

Carlyle called the members of upper-class society “amiable stoics,” in reference to the equable serenity of countenance and calm self-possession of manner with which they accept those occasionally trying conditions of social life which necessitate self-denial in matters great and small.

[Sidenote: “Amiable stoics.”]

This placidity is the result of long training. Not just at first does a young man bow to the decree of his hostess which separates him from the girl he admires and tells him off to take some uninteresting dowager to the supper-room. But should he evince any sign of discontent with the arrangement he is at once convicted of ill-breeding. The man of “perfect manners” is he who is calmly courteous in all circumstances, as attentive outwardly to the plain and the elderly as he is to the young and pretty.

[Sidenote: The man of “perfect manners.”]

It is difficult to renounce the delightful _tête-à-tête_ with a charming girl when asked by his hostess to dance with some poor wallflower who has been neglected for half-a-dozen dances. But it has to be borne, and eventually it brings its own reward. The “duty” dance is a hard thing, and good manners involve a considerable amount of self-denial; but repetition soon makes it comparatively easy, and invitations of an agreeable kind pour in on the young man who shows himself willing to practise those peculiar forms of selflessness, opportunities for which so frequently arise in society.

[Sidenote: Self-denial not unrewarded.]

It is probably in imitation of this surface equanimity that the wooden stare has been adopted so universally by our golden youth.

[Sidenote: The wooden stare.]

This is useful for wearing at one’s club or in the stall of a theatre, and it at once stamps the proprietor of the stare as being “in it.” The fashion is not confined to England. It reigns in New York, and even in far Australia there is a select coterie of golden or gilded youth who are beginning to learn how to abstract every atom of expression from the countenance, and to look on vacantly or seem to do so. As yet, there is no considerable expertness achieved in the matter in Antipodean circles, but in New York a very fair impression of imbecility is conveyed in the look of the ultra-fashionable young man. There are various other important matters on which a transatlantic authority has been instructing the youth of his generation. The one involving the most serious responsibility is connected with carrying a cane or stick, as it is better form to call it.

[Sidenote: Transatlantic etiquette.]

It must be left at home when going to business, to church, or to make calls. The idea of the latter prohibition is that, if a call is made on a lady cane in hand, the inference would be that the caller is on sufficiently intimate terms to look in on her casually at any time. There is certainly subtlety in this view. It is well that the novice should be made aware that the lowest depth of vulgarity is touched by carrying an umbrella in a case. It is also an important item of information that the gloves and cane must be carried in the same hand. To do otherwise is seriously to err in social forms. Our instructor declares that to attend oratorios and philharmonic concerts is thoroughly bad form, indicating a tendency to be pedantic. It is much better to go to a horse show. It is by no means considered correct to shake hands. The proper way is to take hold of the fingers of one’s acquaintance at the second joints, and bestow upon them one or two decisive little jerks, as though testing their strength. “No, I thank you,” is a form of words no longer heard in good society, having some time since been replaced by “No, thanks.” No man with any claim to social position would consent to pronounce the “g” at the end of the present participle of verbs. “Comin’ and goin’” are the correct forms just now. “Don’t you know” is ridiculously correct. Men of perception do not care to be more accurate than others of their set. “Don’t-chi-know” is more customary, and the pronunciation marks the man as riding on the topmost crest of the social wave. There must be a staccato sound about the phrase, which alternates pleasantly with the languid drawl. The latter is still in favour, and accompanies admirably the studied lack of animation in the expression and general wooden look of the face.

To revert for a moment to the cane, or walking-stick.

[Sidenote: The stick.]

There is much to be deduced from the manner in which it is carried. The correct style is to hold it at an angle of forty-five degrees, with the ferule uppermost and forward. This is the sort of thing that no man could possibly discover for himself. The natural man would incline to carry his stick in such fashion as would tend to direct its point to the ground. This unsophisticated mode would at once reveal him as uninitiated in the minor morals of good manners. The latest mode of arranging the male hair, as practised in New York, and possibly nearer home as well, is worth noting.

[Sidenote: The hair.]

First it is made thoroughly wet, then brushed and parted, after which the head is swathed with linen bands, which are kept on until the hair is thoroughly dry. This method produces the plastered appearance which is now recognised as good form. Though cordiality of manner is rapidly becoming obsolete, and is utterly condemned by all who have studied the subject, yet it is a recognised fact that amiability has now superseded sarcasm, and the up-to-date young man practises a careless superficial benevolence of pronouncing every woman charming and every man a good fellow.

[Sidenote: Amiability.]

The scathing, satiric wit of the last century was as the nadir to this zenith of appreciative recognition of the best that is in every human being.

It is pleasant to be able to add to all this minute detail about little superficialities that the young man of to-day is a vast improvement on his predecessors in very many ways. Swearing is out of fashion. Getting intoxicated is decidedly “low,” and those who disgrace themselves in this way are soon cut by their acquaintance. Some twenty years since things were very different.

[Sidenote: The rowdyism of twenty years ago.]

To get tipsy was regarded as a proof of manliness. To wrench off door-knockers and play similar senseless pranks was considered a form of wit, and the heroes of such performances were looked on with admiring eyes by their companions.

In many ways a higher standard now reigns.

[Sidenote: A higher moral standard now reigns.]

The pictures of ballet dancers that used once to adorn a young man’s rooms have given place to others of a higher class. Dissolute and unprincipled men get the cold shoulder from others of their set, and vice, thank Heaven, is thoroughly out of fashion. There is still plenty of folly. It is inseparable from youth. But in matters of more moment there has been immense improvement going steadily on for many years.

There are young men who mistake arrogance of manners for self-possession, and who conduct themselves, when in society with lifted chin and a haughty air that may accord very well with their own estimate of themselves, but seem rather out of place to onlookers. Such a man invites comparisons between his social deserts and his implied conviction of superiority.

[Sidenote: Arrogance of manners.]

He may take in a few inexperienced girls and young fellows of adolescent inability of judgment, but even these triumphs are short-lived, and he is set down as a “pompous ass,” to use the young man’s phrase for describing him.

It is good manners to articulate distinctly, and bad manners to neglect to do so.

[Sidenote: Distinct articulation.]

A man need not exactly take lessons in elocution (though they would not be amiss), but he can teach himself to pronounce clearly and use the

[Sidenote: Tones of voice.]

tone of voice that is best suited to the various occasions when he converses. A breathy voice is extremely disagreeable. The syllables come out enveloped in a sort of windy roar. This is owing to a wrong way of breathing, and it can easily be cured, with advantage to the health as well as the personality.

[Sidenote: The confidential tone.]

A very confidential tone is always used by some men when they speak to women. If they merely “hope your gown did not get muddy” they look into one’s eyes and murmur like any sucking dove. But if their articulation is indistinct they are quite a nuisance. One has to ask them to repeat themselves, and the nonsense they talk shows up very badly in an _encore_. But when they enunciate clearly their devoted murmurings sometimes “take” very well. It is not until a woman has seen three or four others besides herself approached in the same afternoon or evening with similar devout and prayer-like whispering that she begins to value this particularity at its true worth.

[Sidenote: The word “fellow.”]

With reference to the word “fellow” a subtle distinction or two must be drawn. In lowly circles a young man is called “a fellow”; young men “fellows.” So it is in good society, but with a distinct difference. It is not very easy to make this difference clear. Young men of good position refer very commonly to others of their acquaintance as “the fellows,” but they would not use the word to describe young men generally. Women, young and old, of the lower classes speak of young men generally as “fellows,” but gentlewomen never do so. A lady never uses the expression “A girl and a fellow.” At the same time she may frequently speak of “young fellows.” I am aware that there is a want of clearness in all this, but it is a matter among many others that can only be acquired by being accustomed to the usages of good society.

[Sidenote: The “Autocrat’s” test-word.]

The Autocrat of the Breakfast-table said in one of his books that if he heard a woman pronounce the word “How,” he learned more about her in an instant than a third person could tell him in an hour. If she called it “haow,” she revealed herself as belonging to the uncultured classes.

In the same way, if a girl were to say “I met a fellow yesterday,” she would unconsciously make a similar self-revelation. A young man would make an equal mistake if he were to speak of “my sister’s fellow.” But he would be correct enough if he were to say “the fellow my sister’s engaged to.”

[Sidenote: “Tweedledum and tweedledee.”]

These little =nuances= of expression remind one of the old rhyme--

“Strange that such difference should be
’Twixt tweedledum and tweedledee.”

[Sidenote: Small talk alone will not suffice.]

Though small talk is as indispensable in social life as pennies and halfpennies in the transactions of everyday existence, we must also have conversational gold and silver at our command if we wish to be successful. When the preliminaries of acquaintanceship are over there is no necessity to keep up the commonplaces of small talk. To do so is rather insulting to women.

[Sidenote: “Talking down” really an insult.]

To be “talked down to” is always aggravating, especially when one feels a conviction that the person who is thus affably stooping for one’s benefit belongs in reality to a lower intellectual plane than one’s own.

[Sidenote: Yet polish alone often succeeds.]

At the same time, many young men “with nothing in them” are socially successful, being possessed of those superficial qualities and that outward polish which are, for the purposes of everyday intercourse, more useful than abysmal personal depths. Was it Goethe or Schiller who said that for domestic utility a farthing candle is more useful than all the stars of heaven?

A light playfulness of fancy, combined with the gentleness that carefully avoids wounding even the smallest, is a high recommendation in society; but to be for ever laughing is wearisome in the extreme to the spectators.

I make no apology for quoting here the following passages from “Mr. Brown’s Letters to a Young Man About Town” from a _Punch_ of 1849. “Mr. Brown” was Thackeray, I believe.

[Sidenote: “Mr. Brown’s” advice.]

He says:--

“I beseech and implore you to make a point of being intimate with one or two families where you can see kind and well-bred English ladies. I have seen women of all nations in the world, but I never saw the equals of English women (meaning, of course, to include our cousins the MacWhirters of Glasgow and the O’Tooles of Cork); and I pray sincerely, my boy, that you may always have a woman for a friend.”

* * * * *

“It is better for you to pass an evening once or twice a week in a lady’s drawing-room, even though the conversation is rather slow and you know the girl’s songs by heart, than in a club, tavern, or smoking-room, or pit of a theatre.”

* * * * *

“Remember, if a house is pleasant, and you like to remain in it, that to be well with the women of the house is the great, the vital point. If it is a good house, don’t turn up your nose because you are only asked to come in the evening, while others are invited to dine. Recollect the debts of dinners which an hospitable family has to pay; who are you that you should always be expecting to nestle under the mahogany? Agreeable acquaintances are made just as well in the drawing-room as in the dining-room. Go to tea brisk and good-humoured. Be determined to be pleased. Talk to a dowager. Take a hand at whist. If you are musical, and know a song, sing it like a man. Never sulk about dancing, but off with you. You will find your acquaintance enlarge. Mothers, pleased with your good humour, will probably ask you to Pocklington Square, to a little party. You will get on--you will form yourself a circle. You may marry a rich girl, or, at any rate, get the chance of seeing a number of the kind and the pretty.”

* * * * *

“The dressing, the clean gloves, and cab-hire, are nuisances, I grant you. The idea of the party itself is a bore, but you must go. When you are at the party, it is not so stupid; there is always something pleasant for the eye and attention of an observant man.”

_IN CHURCH._

[Sidenote: On arriving late at church.]

I know a young man who makes it a practice to arrive late in church every Sunday. I often wish that he did not go to my church, for he makes me cordially despise him, thus disturbing the calm and quiet of the proper frame of mind for Sundays. I conclude that he likes to be looked at, though why he should do so is not apparent. It is, in fact, not only rude, but irreverent, to be late in church for the beginning of the service. If one should be accidentally late, it is good manners to wait till the congregation rises from the kneeling posture before making one’s way to a seat. It is almost an awful thing to interrupt a prayer. But I have seen people do it with no more scruple than if they were passing in a crowded street.

[Sidenote: On the space one may occupy.]

Eighteen inches are the measurement of space allowed to each sitter in the churches. In some it may be more; in others it may be less. But I have reason to believe that this is the average. Now, if any man of extra size should find himself in a pew with other persons, he must, in common courtesy, keep himself as well within the limits of eighteen inches as the width of his shoulders will allow. But I have occasionally seen quite slim young men sprawl far beyond the frontier lines.

[Sidenote: Lounging.]

Lounging is a habit of the day, and there are men who get themselves into marvellously corkscrew attitudes, in church as elsewhere.

[Sidenote: Fidgety men.]

Fidgety men are more so in church than anywhere else. They seem to find it impossible to keep still. Sometimes they even produce a cough wherewith to amuse themselves, though they are not troubled with it at any other time. The charm of a reposeful manner is denied to them. Reverence for the sacred place conduces to a quiet manner; but this is not always felt by those who attend public worship.

[Sidenote: The conventional idea of church attendance.]

The conventional idea seems to be that such assemblies are merely phases of social life; that it is respectable to be seen there; and that the service and the sermon are things to be worried through in deference to a prevalent idea that they form part of an institution that is generally regarded as excellent.

[Sidenote: The true light to regard the services in.]

The small minority are those who regard church services in their true light as lifting the thoughts above earthly things, and yet by no means unfitting them for earth. Where, for instance, could a better law of good manners be found than in the Book of Books? A glance at the end of the fourth chapter of Ephesians will show a code of conduct that, if followed, would make a man a perfect member of society.

_CORRESPONDENCE._

[Sidenote: Replying to letters.]

It is impolite to leave letters unanswered for several days, especially if the writers are ladies, or, if men, superior in age or station. Notes of invitation should be replied to within twenty-four hours.

[Sidenote: Writing materials.]

Plain white cream-laid notepaper and envelopes should be used, the latter either square or wallet-shaped, but never of the oblong, narrow shape peculiar to business correspondence. The address on the notepaper should be embossed or printed in simple characters, over-ornament being in the worst taste. If the writer is entitled to use a crest, it should be produced as simply as possible, with or without the family motto, and free from the glow of varied colour in which some men and women delight. There are letters whose devices in scarlet and gold are strangely in contrast with the meagre and disappointing character of their contents. They make one think of fried sprats served up on a gold entrée dish.

The writing should be clear, neat and legible, the ink black.

[Sidenote: The addressee’s name.]

In beginning a letter with “Sir” or “Madam,” the omission of the name is remedied by inscribing it in the left-hand corner at the bottom of the note. In commercial correspondence it seems to be the rule to put the name of the addressee just above “Dear Sir” or “Madam.”

[Sidenote: Enclosing reply envelopes.]

Should it be advisable to enclose in any letter an envelope for a reply, ready addressed, it is not good form to put “Esq.” after one’s own name in addressing it.

[Sidenote: Addressing married women.]

Married women and widows are not addressed by their own Christian names, but by those of their husbands. For instance, no one versed in social forms would write “Mrs. Mary Smith,” but “Mrs. John Smith.” Widows of titled men have their Christian name put before their surname, thus, “Laura Lady Ledding,” “Maria Marchioness of Adesbury,” “Georgina Viscountess Medway,” “Mary Duchess of Blankton.” The unmarried daughters of dukes, marquises, and earls have their Christian name invariably inserted between their courtesy title and surname, as: “Lady Mary Baker.” When married they retain this form, only substituting the husband’s surname for their own, as “Lady Mary Garth.” But if their husband should be a peer, they merge their courtesy title in his.

[Sidenote: Use of the third person.]

The third person in correspondence is falling considerably into disuse, and “presenting compliments” is almost obsolete. Invitations of a formal kind, and their replies, are couched in the third person, but for purposes of correspondence with strangers it is almost always better to use the first person. The exception is in replying to a letter written in the third person, when it is in better taste to reply in the same way. The third person is also used in writing to tradespeople: “Mr. Edlicott will feel obliged if Mr. Jones will kindly call on Thursday morning with reference to some repairs.” In this case the reply would be written in the first person.

[Sidenote: Letters of introduction.]

Letters of introduction, says La Fontaine, “are drafts that must be cashed at sight.” They are sometimes difficult to write, especially if they have been asked for, not volunteered. They are always left unsealed, but should there be circumstances about the person introduced which the other party should know, it is well to communicate them in a private letter, which should be despatched so as to arrive before the letter of introduction is presented. Any one receiving a letter of introduction would immediately take steps to show some attention to the individual introduced. The usual thing is to ask him to dinner, if he is a social equal; to offer his services, if he should be a superior; and to ascertain in what way one can be useful to him, if he is an inferior.

[Sidenote: A call must precede invitations.]

A personal call must precede all invitations. This is a fixed and rigid rule, the exception being in the case of persons presenting their own letters of introduction, as is usually done. But should the person to whom they are addressed be out, the formal call must follow.

[Sidenote: Styles of address at the beginning of a letter.]

All ladies, from the Queen downwards, are addressed in beginning a letter as “Madam”; all gentlemen, from the highest to the lowest, as “Sir.” Tradesmen, however, begin “Your Royal Highness,” “Your Grace,” or “Your Ladyship,” in writing to their titled employers. They also address their letters quite differently, as will be seen from the following instructions:--

ADDRESSES OF LETTERS.

Her Majesty the Queen.

To His Royal Highness the Prince of Wales.

To Her Royal Highness the Princess of Wales.

This same form is used in addressing communications to all other members of the Royal Family, adding the title where the word “Prince” or “Princess” would be incorrect, as:--

To His Royal Highness the Duke of York.

To Her Royal Highness the Duchess of York.

Below the rank of royalty there is the distinction between letters addressed by persons on an equality with those to whom formal and they write, and by inferiors.

[Sidenote: Address for the envelope--formal and informal.]

I shall call them formal and informal, and range them in separate lines.

_Informal._ _Formal._

The Duke of ---- To His Grace the
Duke of ----

The Duchess of ---- To Her Grace the
Duchess of ----

The Marquis of ---- To the Most Honourable
the Marquis of ----

The Marchioness of ---- To the Most Honourable
the Marchioness of ----

The Earl of ---- To the Right Honourable
the Earl of ----

The Countess of ---- To the Right Honourable
the Countess of ----

The Viscount ---- The Right Honourable
the Viscount ----

The Viscountess ---- The Right Honourable
the Viscountess ----

Lord ---- The Right Honourable
Lord ---- or Baron ----

Lady ---- The Right Honourable
Lady ---- or Baroness----

[Sidenote: Addressing Privy Councillors.]

Members of the Privy Council are also addressed as “Right Honourable,” in the same way as Peers. In this case the names of commoners are not followed by the abbreviation “Esq.,” as:--

The Right Honourable James Balfour, M.P.

[Sidenote: Ambassadors.]

Ambassadors and their wives are addressed as “His Excellency,” “Her Excellency,” the personal and official titles following the word, as:--

To His Excellency the Earl of----, Ambassador Extraordinary and Plenipotentiary to France.

To Her Excellency the Countess of----.

Other official personages are addressed in the following way:--

To His Excellency Lord Blank, Lord Lieutenant of Ireland.

To His Grace the Archbishop of----.

The Right Reverend the Bishop of----.

The Very Reverend the Dean of----.

[Sidenote: Degrees.]

Academical distinctions are indicated by the initials placed after the name--LL.D. for Doctor of Laws and Learning, D.D. for Doctor of Divinity and so on.

[Sidenote: Beginning the letter.]

So much for the envelopes. The proper way to begin letters is as follows. As I have mentioned, the Queen is addressed as “Madam” in the inside of a letter. A gentleman writing

[Sidenote: To the Queen.]

to the Queen would sign himself, “I have the honour to submit myself, with profound respect, Your Majesty’s most devoted subject and servant.” Above the word “Madam” should be written “Her Majesty the Queen.” Lord Beaconsfield struck out a line of his own and in writing to the Queen began, “Mr. Disraeli,” continuing in the third person and addressing Her Majesty in the second.

[Sidenote: To the Prince and Princess of Wales.]

The Prince of Wales is addressed as “Sir,” above this word being written “To His Royal Highness the Prince of Wales.” Persons on intimate terms sometimes begin “Sir” or “Dear Prince,” others “My dear Prince.” The Princess of Wales is occasionally addressed by friends as “My dear Princess.” The two orthodox endings to such letters are respectively “Your Royal Highness’s dutiful and obedient servant,” or (a humbler style) “Your Royal Highness’s dutiful and most obedient servant.” To all other Royal Princes and Princesses the ending would be “Most Humble and Obedient Servant.”

[Sidenote: To a Duke and Duchess.]

Dukes other than royal are addressed inside letters by intimates as “Dear Duke,” by others “My Lord Duke, may it please your Grace.” In writing to a Duchess her title is placed above the “Madam.” In formal letters Marquises would be addressed as “My Lord Marquis.”

[Sidenote: On omitting christian names from courtesy titles.]

A very common form of mistake is that of omitting the Christian name from the courtesy titles of the sons and daughters of dukes, marquises, and earls. The sons have the title “Lord” prefixed to the Christian and surname: for instance, “Lord Alfred Osborne,” “Lord Henry Somerset.” It is extremely incorrect to call either of these “Lord Osborne” or “Lord Somerset.” The daughters of dukes, marquises and earls have the title “Lady” before their Christian and surname; “Lady Emily Heneage,” for instance, must not be addressed as “Lady Heneage.” Should she marry a commoner only the surname is altered, the “Lady Emily” remains. This may all appear a little involved to those unaccustomed to titles, but neglect of these forms indicates very clearly a lack of _savoir faire_. It is a source of great annoyance to the owners of courtesy titles to have the Christian name omitted. Anybody, even a knight’s wife, may be a “Lady Smith” or “Jones”; the insertion of the Christian name before the “Smith” or “Jones” means that the possessor is the daughter of a duke, marquis, or earl.

[Sidenote: Beginning a letter to the above.]

In beginning a letter to any of the above a stranger would say “Dear Lady Mary Smith,” but the usual form would be “Dear Lady Mary.” Inferiors would begin by writing the lady’s title over the word “Madam,” or merely beginning “Madam” and writing the title at the end of the letter.

[Sidenote: To an ambassador with conclusion.]

In writing to an ambassador or his wife the title is placed above the word “Sir” or “Madam.” Inferiors would write “May it please your Excellency,” and would conclude with “I have the honour to be Your Excellency’s most humble, obedient servant.”

[Sidenote: An archbishop.]

In writing to an archbishop a correspondent would begin “Your Grace,” ending, “I remain Your Grace’s most obedient servant.”

[Sidenote: A bishop.]

To a bishop the form would be, “My Lord,” or “Right Reverend Sir,” or “May it please Your Lordship,” the last being, of course, the humblest form of address. The conclusion would be, I remain, “My Lord” (or “Right Reverend Sir”) “Your most obedient servant.”

[Sidenote: A dean.]

The beginning of a letter to a dean would be, “Reverend Sir” or “Mr. Dean,” the title of all these dignitaries being, in formal letters, indited above the beginning. Those having slight acquaintance would begin, “Dear Mr. Dean.” Strangers would end the letter, “I have the honour to be Your most obedient servant.”

[Sidenote: Doctors of Divinity.]

Doctors of divinity are addressed as “Reverend Sir,” as well as archdeacons and all other clergy.

Intimates would begin letters to the above with: “Dear Archbishop,” “Dear Bishop,” “Dear Dean,” or “Dear Doctor.”

[Sidenote: Officers in the army.]

With the sole exception of lieutenants in the army, all officers have their military rank prefixed to their name. Ensigns and lieutenants are addressed as “Esq.”

[Sidenote: And navy.]

In the navy admirals of the flag--white, blue, or red--are addressed as “The Honourable,” this being prefixed to the name. Otherwise a letter would begin “Sir,” and end, “I remain, Sir, Your obedient servant.” Commodores, captains, and lieutenants in the navy are all addressed in the same way.

_PERSONAL SPEECH WITH ROYALTY AND RANK._

[Sidenote: Addressing the Queen in person.]

It is sometimes difficult to know how to address personally people of high rank. The Queen is addressed as “Ma’am” by those immediately surrounding her person and by princesses, duchesses, and others who are on terms that may be described as those of acquaintanceship with her Majesty. All others would speak to her as “Your Majesty.”

[Sidenote: The Princess of Wales.]

The Princess of Wales and all other princesses are in the same way addressed as “Ma’am,” or “Your Royal Highness,” according to the position of the person speaking to them.

[Sidenote: The Prince of Wales and royal dukes.]

The Prince of Wales, with all other royal dukes and princes, is addressed as “Sir,” or “Your Royal Highness”; the Duke of Teck as “Your Serene Highness,” as well as many foreign princes. Equals would address all these as “Prince.”

[Sidenote: Formal and informal modes of addressing nobility in person.]

The following list will show the correct modes of addressing the nobility informally and formally, in conversation, the first being the custom among acquaintances, the latter by all others:--

_Rank._ _Informal._ _Formal._

Duke Duke. Your Grace.

Duchess Duchess. Your Grace.

Marquis Lord A. My Lord,
or
Your Lordship.

Marchioness Lady A. My Lady,
or
Your Ladyship.

Earl Lord B. My Lord,
or
Your Lordship.

Countess Lady B. My Lady,
or
Your Ladyship.

Viscount Lord C. My Lord,
or
Your Lordship.

Viscountess Lady C. My Lady,
or
Your Ladyship.

Baron Lord D. My Lord,
or
Your Lordship.

Baroness Lady D. My Lady,
or
Your Ladyship.

It is one of the rules of etiquette that, in speaking with royal persons, the inferior leaves it to them to originate subjects of conversation, and never introduces any topic of his own.

[Sidenote: Letters of condolence.]

Letters of condolence are among the most difficult forms of composition. They are almost equally trying to read and to write. The best rule to be given for these is to make them as brief as possible. If “brevity is the soul of wit,” it is also, in such cases, the very heart of sympathy. A very usual fault committed is to begin by dilating upon the shock or grief felt by the writer. The absurdity of this becomes apparent when one compares mentally the shock or grief as felt by the recipient. Two lines conveying the expression of sympathy are better than pages of even the most eloquent composition. Mourners require all their fortitude at times of loss, and anything likely to impair their self-command is the reverse of a kindness.

[Sidenote: Memoriam cards.]

On hearing or reading of the death of an acquaintance or friend, an expression of sympathy should at once be sent off. It used to be the custom to wait for the memoriam cards sent out by the family, but this, if it was ever the custom in the best society, has now long ceased to be so. Memoriam cards are only used in humble circles. At the same time, one needs to be very careful as to the accuracy of one’s information before sending off a letter of condolence. Similarity of name is apt to lead to awkward mistakes.

[Sidenote: The inquiry call.]

In this connection it may be as well to remark that about a week after the funeral it is customary to call and leave cards of inquiry. When these are responded to by cards of thanks for inquiries, it is a sign that the family is willing to receive callers.

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Typographical errors corrected by the etext transcriber:

to look on vacancy or seem to do so.=> to look on vacantly or seem to do so. {pg 135}