Chapter VII: One Universe Confidential

Mars is presently no problem to Earth, and will not be until we have all its gold and the Martians begin asking us for loans.

Meanwhile, Lait and Mortimer say let the gangsters and communists have it. We don't want it.

We believe Earth would weaken itself if it dissipated its assets on foreign planets. Instead, we should heavily arm our own satellites, which will make us secure from attack by an alien planet or constellation.

At the same time, we should build an overwhelming force of space ships capable of delivering lethal blows to the outermost corners of the universe and return without refueling.

We have seen the futility of meddling in everyone's business on Earth. Let's not make that mistake in space. We are unalterably opposed to the UP (United Planets) and call upon the governments of Earth not to join that Inter-Solar System boondoggle.

We have enough trouble right here.

THE APPENDIX CONFIDENTIAL:

_Blast-off_: The equivalent of the take-off of Terran
aviation. Space ships blast-off into space. Not to be
confused with the report of a sawed-off shot gun.

_Blasting pit_: Place from which a space ship blasts off.
Guarded area where the intense heat from the jets melts the
ground. Also used for cock-fights.

_Spacemen_: Those who man the space ships. See any comic
strip.

_Hairoscope_: A very sensitive instrument for space
navigation. The sighting plate thereon is centered around
two crossed hairs. Because of the vastness of space, very
fine hairs are used. These hairs are obtained from the
Glomph-Frog, found only in the heart of the dense Venusian
swamps. The hairoscope is a must in space navigation. Then
how did they get to Venus to get the hair from the
Glomph-Frog? Read Venus Confidential.

_Multiplanetary agitation_: The inter-spacial methods by
which the Russians compete for the minds of the Neptunians
and the Plutonians and the Gowaniuns.

_Space suit_: The clothing worn by those who go into space.
The men are put into modernistic diving suits. The dames
wear bras and panties.

_Grav-plates_: A form of magnetic shoe worn by spacemen
while standing on the outer hull of a space ship halfway to
Mars. Why a spaceman wants to stand on the outer hull of a
ship halfway to Mars is not clear. Possibly to win a bet.

_Space platform_: A man-made satellite rotating around Earth
between here and the Moon. Scientists say this is a
necessary first step to interplanetary travel. Mars
Confidential proves the fallacy of this theory.

_Space Academy_: A college where young men are trained to be
spacemen. The student body consists mainly of cadets who
served apprenticeships as elevator jockeys.

_Asteroids_: Tiny worlds floating around in space, put there
no doubt to annoy unwary space ships.

_Extrapolation_: The process by which a science-fiction
writer takes an established scientific fact and builds
thereon a story that couldn't happen in a million years, but
maybe 2,000,000.

_Science fiction_: A genre of escape literature which takes
the reader to far-away planets--and usually neglects to
bring him back.

_S.F._: An abbreviation for science fiction.

_Bem_: A word derived by using the first letters of the
three words: Bug Eyed Monster. Bems are ghastly looking
creatures in general. In science-fiction yarns written by
Terrans, bems are natives of Mars. In science-fiction yarns
written by Martians, bems are natives of Terra.

_The pile_: The source from which power is derived to carry
men to the stars. Optional on the more expensive space
ships, at extra cost.

_Atom blaster_: A gun carried by spacemen which will melt
people down to a cinder. A .45 would do just as well, but
then there's the Sullivan Act.

_Orbit_: The path of any heavenly body. The bodies are held
in these orbits by natural laws the Republicans are thinking
of repealing.

_Nova_: The explosive stage into which planets may pass.
According to the finest scientific thinking, a planet will
either nova, or it won't.

_Galaxy_: A term used to confuse people who have always
called it The Milky Way.

_Sun spots_: Vast electrical storms on the sun which
interfere with radio reception, said interference being
advantageous during political campaigns.

_Atomic cannons_: Things that go _zap_.

_Audio screen_: Television without Milton Berle or
wrestling.

_Disintegrating ray_: Something you can't see that turns
something you can see into something you can't see.

_Geiger counter_: Something used to count Geigers.
_Interstellar space_: Too much nothing at all, filled with
rockets, flying saucers, advanced civilizations, and
discarded copies of _Amazing Stories_.

_Mars_: A candy bar.

_Pluto_: A kind of water.

_Ray guns_: Small things that go _zap_.

_Time machine_: A machine that carries you back to yesterday
and into next year. Also, an alarm clock.

_Time warp_: The hole in time the time machine goes through
to reach another time. A hole in nothing.

_Terra_: Another name for Earth. It comes from _terra_ firma
or something like that.

_Hyperdrive_: The motor that is used to drive a space ship
faster than the speed of light. Invented by science-fiction
writers but not yet patented.

_Ether_: The upper reaches of space and whatever fills them.
Also, an anaesthetic.

_Luna_: Another name for the Moon. Formerly a park in Coney
Island.

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End of Project Gutenberg's Mars Confidential, by Jack Lait and Lee Mortimer