Chapter V: Part 5

An excellent custom prevails in some families of inviting their guests for a given period. Thus, for example, an invitation is sent, stating that a friend's company is requested on a certain day, mentioning also for what length of time, and if a carriage cannot be offered to meet the visitor, stating expressly the best mode of coming and going. We recommend this admirable plan to the master and mistress of every dwelling which is sufficiently capacious to admit of receiving an occasional guest. A young lady is perhaps invited to spend a little time in the country, but she cannot possibly understand whether the invitation extends to a few days, or a week, or a month, and consequently is much puzzled with regard to the arrangement of her wardrobe. Domestic consultations are held; the letter is read over and over again; every one gives a different opinion, and when the visit is entered upon, somewhat of its pleasure is marred through the embarrassment occasioned by not knowing when to propose taking leave.

In receiving guests, your first object should be to make them feel at home. Begging them to make themselves at home is not sufficient. You should display a genuine unaffected friendliness. Whether you are mistress of a mansion or a cottage, and invite a friend to share your hospitality, you must endeavor, by every possible means, to render the visit agreeable. This should be done without apparent effort, that the visitor may feel herself to be a partaker in your home enjoyments, instead of finding that you put yourself out of the way to procure extraneous pleasures. It is right and proper that you seek to make the time pass lightly; but if, on the other hand, you let a visitor perceive that the whole tenor of your daily concerns is altered on her account, a degree of depression will be felt, and the pleasant anticipations which she most probably entertained will fail to be realized. Let your friend be assured, from your manner, that her presence is a real enjoyment to you--an incentive to recreations which otherwise would not be thought of in the common routine of life. Observe your own feelings when you happen to be the guest of a person who, though he may be very much your friend, and really glad to see you, seems not to know what to do either with you or himself; and again, when in the house of another you feel as much at ease as in your own. Mark the difference, more easily felt than described, between the manners of the two, and deduce therefrom a lesson for your own improvement.

If you have guests in your house, you are to appear to feel that they are all equal for the time, for they all have an equal claim upon your courtesies. Those of the humblest condition will receive _full as much attention_ as the rest, in order that you shall not painfully make them feel their inferiority.

Always avoid the foolish practice of deprecating your own rooms, furniture, or viands, and expressing regrets that you have nothing better to offer. Neither should you go to the other extreme of extolling any particular thing or article of food. The best way is to say nothing about these matters. Neither is it proper to urge guests to eat, or to load their plates against their inclinations.

Endeavor to retain your friends as long as they like to prolong their visit. When they intimate an intention to leave you, if you really desire their continuance somewhat longer, frankly say so. Should they, however, have fixed the time, and cannot prolong their stay, facilitate their going by every means in your power; and, while you kindly invite them to renew their visit, point out to them any places of interest on the road, and furnish such information as you possess.

If invited to spend a few days at a friend's house, conform as much as possible to the habits of the family. When parting for the night, inquire respecting the breakfast hour, and ascertain at what time the family meet for prayers. If this right custom prevails, be sure to be in time; and obtain any necessary information from the servant who waits upon you. Give as little trouble as possible; and never think of apologizing for the extra trouble which your visit occasions. Such an apology implies that your friend cannot conveniently entertain you. Your own good sense and delicacy will teach you the desirability of keeping your room tidy, and your articles of dress and toilet as much in order as possible. If there is a deficiency of servants, a lady will certainly not hesitate to make her own bed and to do for herself as much as possible, and for the family all that is in her power.

We presume that few people will leave a friend's house without some expression of regret, and some acknowledgment proffered for the pleasure that has been afforded them. Instances to the contrary have come within our knowledge, and therefore we remind our youthful readers especially, that this small act of politeness is indispensable, not in the form of a set speech, but by a natural flowing forth of right feeling. It is also proper, on returning home, to inform your friends of your safe arrival; the sense which you entertain of their hospitality, and the gratification derived from your visit, may be also gracefully alluded to.

The chain which binds society together is formed of innumerable links. Let it be your part to keep those links uniformly bright; and to see that neither dust nor rust accumulate upon them.

STREET ETIQUETTE.

The books of etiquette tell you, that if you have been introduced to a lady and you afterward meet her in the street, you must not bow to her unless she bow first, in order, as the books say, that she may have an opportunity to cut you if she does not wish to continue the acquaintance. This is the English fashion. But on the continent of Europe the rule is reversed, and no lady, however intimate you may be with her, will acknowledge you in the street unless you first honor her with a bow of recognition. But the American fashion is not like either of them. For here the really well-bred man always politely and respectfully bows to every lady he knows, and, if she is a well-bred woman, she acknowledges the respect paid her. If she expects no further acquaintance, her bow is a mere formal, but _always respectful_, recognition of the good manners which have been shown her, and no gentleman ever takes advantage of such politeness to push a further acquaintance uninvited. But why should a lady and gentleman, who know who each other are, scornfully and doggedly pass each other in the streets as though they were enemies? There is no good reason for such _impoliteness_, in the practice of politeness. As compared with the English, the French or continental fashion is certainly more consonant with the rules of good breeding. But the American rule is better than either, for it is based upon the acknowledged general principle, that it is every gentleman's and lady's duty to be polite in all places. Unless parties have done something to forfeit the respect dictated by the common rules of politeness, there should be no deviation from this practice. It is a ridiculous idea that we are to practice ill-manners in the name of etiquette.

While walking the street no one should be so absent-minded as to neglect to recognize his friends. If you do not stop, you should always bow, touch your hat, or bid your friend good day. If you stop, you can offer your hand without removing your glove. If you stop to talk, retire on one side of the walk. If your friend has a stranger with him and you have anything to say, you should apologize to the stranger. Never leave your friend abruptly to see another person without asking him to excuse your departure. If you meet a gentleman of your acquaintance walking with a lady whom you do not know, lift your hat as you salute them. If you know the lady, you should salute her first.

Never _nod_ to a lady in the street, neither be satisfied with touching your hat, _but take it off_--it is a courtesy her sex demands.

A gentleman should never omit a punctilious observance of the rules of politeness to his recognized acquaintances, from an apprehension that he will not be met with reciprocal marks of respect. For instance, he should not refuse to raise his hat to an acquaintance who is accompanied by a lady, lest her escort should, from ignorance or stolidity, return his polite salutation with a nod of the head. It is better not to see him, than to set the example of a rude and indecorous salutation. In all such cases, and in all cases, he who is most courteous has the advantage, and should never feel that he has made a humiliating sacrifice of his personal dignity. It is for the party whose behavior has been boorish to have a consciousness of inferiority.

A gentleman meeting a lady acquaintance on the street, should not presume to join her in her walk without ascertaining that his company would be entirely agreeable. It might be otherwise, and she should frankly say so. A married lady usually leans upon the arm of her husband; but single ladies do not, in the day, take the arm of a gentleman, unless they are willing to acknowledge an engagement. Gentlemen always give place to ladies, and gentlemen accompanying ladies, in crossing the street.

If you have anything to say to a lady whom you may happen to meet in the street, however intimate you may be, do not stop her, but turn round and walk in company; you can take leave at the end of the street.

When you are passing in the street, and see coming toward you a person of your acquaintance, whether a lady or an elderly person, you should offer them the wall, that is to say, the side next the houses. If a carriage should happen to stop in such a manner as to leave only a narrow passage between it and the houses, beware of elbowing and rudely crowding the passengers, with a view to get by more expeditiously; wait your turn, and if any of the persons before mentioned come up, you should edge up to the wall, in order to give them the place. They also, as they pass, should bow politely to you.

If stormy weather has made it necessary to lay a plank across the gutter, which has become suddenly filled with water, it is not proper to crowd before another, in order to pass over the frail bridge.

In walking with a lady, it is customary to give her the right arm; but where circumstances render it more convenient to give her the left, it may properly be done. If you are walking with a lady on a crowded street like Broadway, by all means give her the outside, as that will prevent her from being perpetually jostled and run against by the hurrying crowd.

You should offer your arm to a lady with whom you are walking whenever her safety, comfort, or convenience may seem to require such attention on your part. At night your arm should always be tendered, and also when ascending the steps of a public building. In walking with any person you should keep step with military precision, and with ladies and elderly people you should always accommodate your speed to theirs.

If a lady with whom you are walking receives the salute of a person who is a stranger to you, you should return it, not for yourself, but for her.

When a lady whom you accompany wishes to enter a store, you should hold the door open and allow her to enter first, if practicable; for you must never pass before a lady anywhere, if you can avoid it, or without an apology.

In England, it is a mark of low breeding to smoke in the streets. But in America the rule does not hold to quite that extent; though, even here, it is not often that you catch "a gentleman of the strictest sect," in the street with a cigar or pipe in his mouth. For a man to go into the street with a lady on his arm and a cigar in his mouth is a shocking sight, which no gentleman will ever be guilty of exhibiting; for he inevitably subjects the woman to the very worst of suspicions.

Avoid the disgusting habit of spitting.

No gentleman will stand in the doors of hotels, nor on the corners of the streets, gazing impertinently at the ladies as they pass. That is such an unmistakable sign of a loafer, that one can hardly imagine a well-bred man doing such a thing.

Never offer to shake hands with a lady in the street if you have on dark gloves, as you may soil her white ones. If you meet a lady friend with whom you wish to converse, you must not stop, but turn and walk along with her; and should she be walking with a gentleman, first assure yourself that you are not intruding before you attempt to join the two in their walk.

After twilight, a young lady would not be conducting herself in a becoming manner, by walking alone; and if she passes the evening with any one, she ought, beforehand, to provide some one to come for her at a stated hour; but if this is not practicable, she should politely ask of the person whom she is visiting, to permit a servant to accompany her. But, however much this may be considered proper, and consequently an obligation, a married lady, well educated, will disregard it if circumstances prevent her being able, without trouble, to find a conductor.

If the host wishes to accompany you himself, you must excuse yourself politely for giving him so much trouble, but finish, however, by accepting. On arriving at your house, you should offer him your thanks. In order to avoid these two inconveniences, it will be well to request your husband, or some one of your relatives, to come and wait upon you; you will, in this way, avoid all inconveniences, and be entirely free from that harsh criticism which is sometimes indulged in, especially in small towns, concerning even the most innocent acts.

If, when on your way to fulfill an engagement, a friend stops you in the street, you may, without committing any breach of etiquette, tell him of your appointment, and release yourself from a long talk, but do so in a courteous manner, expressing regret for the necessity.

In inquiring for goods at a shop or store, do not say, I want so and so, but say to the shopman--Show me such or such an article, if you please--or use some other polite form of address. If you are obliged to examine a number of articles before you are suited, apologize to the shopkeeper for the trouble you give him. If, after all, you cannot suit yourself, renew your apologies when you go away. If you make only small purchases, say to him--I am sorry for having troubled you for so trifling a thing.

You need not stop to pull off your glove to shake hands with a lady or gentleman. If it is warm weather it is more agreeable to both parties that the glove should be on--especially if it is a lady with whom you shake hands, as the perspiration of your bare hand would be very likely to soil her glove.

If a lady addresses an inquiry to a gentleman on the street, he will lift his hat, or at least touch it respectfully, as he replies. If he cannot give the information required, he will express his regrets.

When tripping over the pavement, a lady should gracefully raise her dress a little above her ankle. With her right hand she should hold together the folds of her gown and draw them toward the right side. To raise the dress on both sides, and with both hands, is vulgar. This ungraceful practice can be tolerated only for a moment when the mud is very deep.

Most American ladies in our cities wear too rich and expensive dresses in the street. Some, indeed, will sweep the side-walks with costly stuffs only fit for a drawing-room or a carriage. This is in bad taste, and is what ill-natured people would term snobbish.

TRAVELING.

As a general rule, travelers are selfish. They pay little attention either to the comforts or distresses of their fellow-travelers; and the commonest observances of politeness are often sadly neglected by them. In the scramble for tickets, for seats, for state-rooms, or for places at a public table, the courtesies of life seem to be trampled under foot. Even the ladies are sometimes rudely treated and shamefully neglected in the headlong rush for desirable seats in the railway cars. To see the behavior of American people on their travels, one would suppose that we were anything but a refined nation; and I have often wondered whether a majority of our travelers could really make a decent appearance in social society.

When you are traveling, it is no excuse that because others outrage decency and propriety you should follow their example, and fight them with their own weapons. A rush and scramble at the railway ticket office is always unnecessary. The cars will not leave until every passenger is aboard, and if you have ladies with you, you can easily secure your seats and afterward procure the tickets at leisure. But suppose you do lose a favorite seat by your moderation! Is it not better to suffer a little inconvenience than to show yourself decidedly vulgar? Go to the cars half an hour before they start, and you will avoid all trouble of this kind.

When seated, or about to seat yourself in the cars, never allow considerations of personal comfort or convenience to cause you to disregard the rights of fellow-travelers, or forget the respectful courtesy due to woman. The pleasantest or most comfortable seats belong to the ladies, and you should never refuse to resign such seats to them with a cheerful politeness. Sometimes a gentleman will go through a car and choose his seat, and afterward vacate it to procure his ticket, leaving his overcoat or carpet bag to show that the seat is taken. Always respect this token, and never seize upon a seat thus secured, without leave, even though you may want it for a lady. It is not always necessary for a gentleman to rise after he has seated himself and offer his seat to a lady, particularly if the lady is accompanied by another gentleman; for there may still be eligible vacant seats in the cars. But should you see a lady come alone, and if the seats in the car all appear to be filled, do not hesitate to offer her yours, if you have no ladies in your company. And should a lady motion to seat herself beside you, rise at once and offer her the choice of the two seats. These are but common courtesies that every well-bred man will at all times cheerfully offer to the other sex.

Making acquaintances in the cars, although correct enough, is a measure of which travelers generally appear to be very shy. There is no reason for this, as acquaintances thus picked up need never be recognized again unless you please. If a stranger speaks to you, always answer him politely, and if his conversation proves disagreeable, you have no alternative but to change your seat.

In steamers do not make a rush for the supper table, or make a glutton of yourself when you get there. Never fail to offer your seat on deck to a lady, if the seats all appear to be occupied, and always meet half way any fellow-passenger who wishes to enter into conversation with you. Some travelers are so exclusive that they consider it a presumption on the part of a stranger to address them; but such people are generally foolish, and of no account. Sociable intercourse while traveling is one of its main attractions. Who would care about sitting and moping for a dozen of hours on board a steamer without exchanging a word with anybody? and this must be the fate of the exclusives when they travel alone. Even ladies, who run greater risks in forming steamboat acquaintances than the men, are allowed the greatest privileges in that respect. It might not be exactly correct for a lady to make a speaking acquaintance of a gentleman; but she may address or question him for the time being without impropriety.

Fellow-passengers, whether on a steamboat or in the cars, should at all times be sociable and obliging to one another. Those who are the reverse of this may be set down either as selfish, foolish, or conceited.

In the cars you have no right to keep a window open for your accommodation, if the current of air thus produced annoys or endangers the health of another. There are a sufficient number of discomforts in traveling, at best, and it should be the aim of each passenger to lessen them as much as possible, and to cheerfully bear his own part. Life is a journey, and we are all fellow-travelers.

If in riding in an omnibus, or crossing a ferry with a friend, he wishes to pay for you, never insist upon paying for yourself or for both. If he is before you, let the matter pass without remark.

MARRIAGE.

In speaking of marriage, it is not merely with reference to its social importance, but as regards certain observances, concerning which no work on Etiquette has yet given any explicit rules.

First, then, with respect to the preliminary subject of courtship. That unseen monitor, who has already suggested many points for consideration to lady readers, would now say to them: Before you admit the attentions of a gentleman who wishes to pay you his addresses, very carefully examine your respective tastes and dispositions; and settle in your own mind what are the most important requisites of happiness in a married state. With this view, you must enter upon the consideration of the subject with a calm and decisive spirit, which will enable you to see where your true happiness lies, and to pursue it with determined resolution. In matters of business, follow the advice of such as are able to guide you; and as regards the subject of marriage, turn not away from the counsel of those who are appointed to watch over and direct you.

If a gentleman gives you reason to believe that he wishes to engage your affections, seek the advice of your parents, that they may gain for you every necessary particular with regard to his morals and disposition, and means of suitably providing for you. If, unhappily, death has deprived you of parents, ask counsel of some one who will care for you, and on whose friendship you can rely. Remember that you have little knowledge of the world, and that your judgment has not arrived at full maturity. But however circumstanced, avoid, as you would the plague, any attentions from a gentleman whose moral character renders him undeserving your regard.

Let neither rank nor fortune, nor the finest order of intellect, nor yet the most winning manners, induce you to accept the addresses of an irreligious man. You dare not ask the blessing of your Heavenly Father upon such addresses; and without His blessing, what happiness can you expect? Men often say, "that whatever their own opinions may be, they will marry religious women." This may be; but woe to a religious woman, if she allows herself to be thus beguiled! Supposing your admirer be a sensible man, he will like religion in you for his own sake; if, on the contrary, such is not the case, and you become his wife, he will often, though perhaps without intention, distress you by his remarks; and in either case, if you have children, you will suffer much in seeing that your endeavors to form their minds to virtue and piety, and to secure their present and eternal happiness, are regarded with indifference, or at least that you are not assisted in your efforts.

Remember, also, that no happiness can be expected in the marriage state, unless the husband be worthy of respect. Do not marry a weak man; he is often intractable or capricious, and seldom listens to the voice of reason; and most painful must it be to any sensible woman to have to blush for her husband, and feel uneasy every time he opens his lips. Still worse, if it should please God to give her children, if she cannot point to the example of their father as leading to what is excellent and of good report; nor yet to his precepts and instructions as their rule of conduct. One thing is certain, that a weak man uniformly shows his consequence by contradicting his wife, because he will not have it supposed that he is under her influence.

Advances, or offers of marriage, are made in a thousand different ways; but, however tendered, receive them courteously, and with dignity. If a letter comes to you, answer it as becomes a gentlewoman--your own heart will dictate what you ought to say. Questions have arisen with regard to the wording of such letters, but no certain rule can be laid down; whether it be answered in the first or third person, must depend upon the degree of acquaintance which has previously existed. No young lady would certainly head her letter with--"Dear Sir," to a suitor whom she scarcely knows, or to one whom she intends refusing. She ought, however, on no account, either to receive or answer letters of the kind without showing them to her mother; or, if unfortunately without parents, she will do well to consult some judicious female friend.

Never trifle with the affections of a man who loves you; nor admit of marked attentions from one whose affection you cannot return. Some young ladies pride themselves upon the conquests which they make, and would not scruple to sacrifice the happiness of an estimable person to their reprehensible vanity. Let this be far from you. If you see clearly that you have become an object of especial regard to a gentleman, and do not wish to encourage his addresses, treat him honorably and humanely, as you hope to be used with generosity by the person who may engage your own heart. Do not let him linger in suspense, but take the earliest opportunity of carefully making known your feelings on the subject. This may be done in a variety of ways. A refined ease of manner will satisfy him, if he has any discernment, that his addresses will not be acceptable. Should your natural disposition render this difficult, show that you wish to avoid his company, and he will presently withdraw; but if even this is difficult--and who can lay down rules for another?--allow an opportunity for explanation to occur. You can then give him a polite and decisive answer; and be assured that, in whatever manner you convey your sentiments to him, if he be a man of delicacy and right feeling, he will trouble you no further. Let it never be said of you, that you permit the attentions of an honorable man when you have no heart to give him; or that you have trifled with the affections of one whom you perhaps esteem, although you resolve never to marry him. It may be that his preference gratifies, and his conversation interests you; that you are flattered by the attentions of a man whom some of your companions admire; and that, in truth, you hardly know your own mind on the subject. This will not excuse you. Every young woman ought to know the state of her own heart; and yet the happiness and future prospects of many an excellent man have been sacrificed by such unprincipled conduct.

Remember that if a gentleman makes you an offer, you have no right to speak of it. If you possess either generosity or gratitude for offered affection, you will not betray a secret which does not belong to you. It is sufficiently painful to be refused, without incurring the additional mortification of being pointed out as a rejected lover.

If, on the contrary, you encourage the addresses of a deserving man, behave honorably and sensibly. Do not lead him about as if in triumph, nor take advantage of the ascendency which you have gained by playing with his feelings. Do not seek for occasions to tease him, that you may try his temper; neither affect indifference, nor provoke lovers' quarrels, for the foolish pleasure of reconciliation. On your conduct during courtship will very much depend the estimation in which you will be held by your husband in after life.

Assuming that the important day is fixed, and that the bidden guests have accepted the invitations, a few observations may be useful, especially to those who live retired in the country.

The bride uniformly goes to church in the same carriage with her parents, or with those who stand in their place; as, for instance, if the father is deceased, an elder brother or uncle, or even guardian, accompanies her mother and herself. If, unhappily, she is an orphan, and has no relations, a middle-aged lady and gentleman, friends of her parents, should be requested to take their place. A bridesmaid will also occupy a seat in the same carriage.

The bridegroom finds his way to church in a separate carriage with his friends, and he will show his gallantry by handing the bride from her carriage, and paying every attention to those who accompany her. Any omission in this respect cannot be too carefully avoided.

When arrived at the altar, the father of the bride, or, in default of such relation, the nearest connexion, or some old friend, gives away the bride. The bridesmaids stand near the bride; and either her sister, or some favorite friend, will hold the gloves or handkerchief, as may be required, when she ungloves her hand for the wedding-ring. When the ceremony is completed, and the names of the bride and bridegroom are signed in the vestry, they first leave the church together, occupying by themselves the carriage that waits to convey them to the house of the bride's father and mother, or that of the guardian, or friend, by whom the bridal breakfast is provided.

The wedding-cake uniformly occupies the center of the table. It is often tastefully surrounded with flowers, among which those of the fragrant orange ought to be conspicuous. After being cut according to the usages observed on such occasions, the oldest friend of the family proposes the lady's health; that of the bridegroom is generally proposed by some friend of his own, if present; but if this is not the case, by his father-in-law, or any of his new relatives, who will deem it incumbent upon them to say something gratifying to him while proposing his health, which courtesy he must acknowledge as best he can. After this the bride withdraws, in order to prepare for leaving the parental roof, by taking off her wedding, and putting on her traveling dress; although it happens not unfrequently that the bride remains in another apartment, and thus avoids the fatigue and embarrassment of appearing at the breakfast-table. When this occurs, her place beside the bridegroom must be occupied by a near relation or friend. But whether present, or remaining apart with a few friends, all who are invited to do honor to the bride must appear in full dress. Bracelets may be worn on one or both wrists. Black of any kind is wholly inadmissible; not even black satin can be allowed; and widows must attire themselves either in quiet colored suits, or else in silver gray.

On such festive occasions, all appear in their best attire, and assume their best manners. Peculiarities that pertain to past days, or have been unwarily adopted, should be guarded against; mysteries concerning knives, forks, and plates, or throwing "an old shoe" after the bride, are highly reprehensible, and have long been exploded. Such practices may seem immaterial, but they are not so. Stranger guests often meet at a wedding breakfast; and the good breeding of the family may be somewhat compromised by neglect in small things.

If the lady appears at breakfast, which is certainly desirable, she occupies, with her husband, the center of the table, and sits by his side--her father and mother taking the top and bottom, and showing all honor to their guests. When the cake has been cut, and every one is helped--when, too, the health of the bride and bridegroom has been drunk, and every compliment and kind wish has been duly proffered and acknowledged--the bride, attended by her friends, withdraws; and when ready for her departure the newly-married couple start off on their wedding journey, generally about two or three o'clock, and the rest of the company shortly afterward take their leave.

In some circles it is customary to send cards almost immediately to friends and relations, mentioning at what time and hour the newly-married couple expect to be called upon. Some little inconvenience occasionally attends this custom, as young people may wish to extend their wedding tour beyond the time first mentioned, or, if they go abroad, delays may unavoidably occur. It is therefore better to postpone sending cards, for a short time at least.

Fashions change continually with regard to wedding-cards. A few years since they were highly ornamented, and fantastically tied together; now silver-edged cards are fashionable; but, unquestionably, the plainer and more unostentatious a wedding-card, the more lady-like and becoming it will be.

No one to whom a wedding-card has not been sent ought to call upon a newly-married couple.

When the days named for seeing company arrive, remember to be punctual. Call, if possible, the first day, but neither before nor after the appointed hour. Wedding-cake and wine are handed round, of which every one partakes, and each expresses some kindly wish for the happiness of the newly-married couple.

Taking possession of their home by young people is always a joyous period. The depressing influence of a wedding breakfast, where often the hearts of many are sad, is not felt, and every one looks forward to years of prosperity and happiness.

If the gentleman is in a profession, and it happens that he cannot await the arrival of such as call, according to invitation on the wedding-card, an apology must be made, and, if possible, an old friend of the family should represent him. A bride must on no account receive her visitors without a mother, or sister, or some friend being present, not even if her husband is at home. This is imperative. To do otherwise is to disregard the usuages of society. We remember once calling on a very young bride, and found her alone. Conjectures were made by every visitor with regard to such a strange occurrence, and their surprise was still more increased, when it became known that the young lady returned her calls equally unattended.

Wedding visits must be returned during the course of a few days, and parties are generally made for the newly-married couple, which they are expected to return. This does not, however, necessarily entail much visiting; neither is it expected from young people, whose resources may be somewhat limited, or when the husband has to make his way in the world.

DOMESTIC ETIQUETTE AND DUTIES.

"The little community to which I gave laws," said the Vicar of Wakefield, "was regulated in the following manner:--We all assembled early, and after we had saluted each other with proper ceremony, (for I always thought fit to keep up some mechanical forms of good breeding, without which, freedom ever destroys friendship,) we all knelt in gratitude to that Being who gave us another day. So also when we parted for the night."

We earnestly recommend that the precepts and example of the good old Vicar should be followed and adopted by every newly-married couple. With regard to the first, the courtesies of society should never be omitted, in even the most trivial matters; and, as respects the second, what blessing can be reasonably expected to descend upon a house wherein the voice of thanksgiving is never heard, nor yet protection sought by its acknowledged head!

On the wife especially devolves the privilege and pleasure of rendering home happy. We shall, therefore, speak of such duties and observances as pertain to her.

When a young wife first settles in her home, many excellent persons, with more zeal, it may be, than discretion, immediately propose that she should devote some of her leisure time to charitable purposes: such, for instance, as clothing societies for the poor, or schools, or district visiting. We say with all earnestness to our young friend, engage in nothing of the kind, however laudable, without previously consulting your husband, and obtaining his full concurrence. Carefully avoid, also, being induced by any specious arguments to attend evening lectures, unless he accompanies you. Remember that your Heavenly Father, who has given you a home to dwell in, requires from you a right performance of its duties. Win your husband, by all gentle appliances, to love religion; but do not, for the sake even of a privilege and a blessing, leave him to spend his evenings alone. Look often on your marriage ring, and remember the sacred vows taken by you when the ring was given; such thoughts will go far toward allaying many of these petty vexations which circumstances call forth.

Never let your husband have cause to complain that you are more agreeable abroad than at home; nor permit him to see in you an object of admiration, as respects your dress and manners, when in company, while you are negligent of both in the domestic circle. Many an unhappy marriage has been occasioned by neglect in these particulars. Nothing can be more senseless than the conduct of a young woman, who seeks to be admired in general society for her politeness and engaging manners, or skill in music, when, at the same time, she makes no effort to render her home attractive; and yet that home, whether a palace or a cottage, is the very center of her being--the nucleus around which her affections should revolve, and beyond which she has comparatively small concern.

Beware of intrusting any individual whatever with small annoyances, or misunderstandings, between your husband and yourself, if they unhappily occur. Confidants are dangerous persons, and many seek to obtain an ascendency in families by gaining the good opinion of young married women. Be on your guard, and reject every overture that may lead to undesirable intimacy. Should any one presume to offer you advice with regard to your husband, or seek to lessen him by insinuations, shun that person as you would a serpent. Many a happy home has been rendered desolate by exciting coolness or suspicion, or by endeavors to gain importance in an artful and insidious manner.

In all money matters, act openly and honorably. Keep your accounts with the most scrupulous exactness, and let your husband see that you take an honest pride in rightly appropriating the money which he intrusts to you. "My husband works hard for every dollar that he earns," said a young married lady, the wife of a professional man, to a friend who found her busily employed in sewing buttons on her husband's coat, "and it seems to me worse than cruel to lay out a dime unnecessarily." Be very careful, also, that you do not spend more than can be afforded in dress; and be satisfied with such carpets and curtains in your drawing-room as befit a moderate fortune, or professional income. Natural ornaments, and flowers tastefully arranged, give an air of elegance to a room in which the furniture is far from costly; and books judiciously placed, uniformly produce a good effect. A sensible woman will always seek to ornament her home, and to render it attractive, more especially as this is the taste of the present day. The power of association is very great; light, and air, and elegance, are important in their effects. No wife acts wisely who permits her sitting-room to look dull in the eyes of him whom she ought especially to please, and with whom she has to pass her days.

In middle life, instances frequently occur of concealment with regard to money concerns; thus, for instance, a wife wishes to possess an article of dress which is too costly for immediate purchase, or a piece of furniture liable to the same objection. She accordingly makes an agreement with a seller, and there are many who call regularly at houses when the husband is absent on business, and who receive whatever the mistress of the house can spare from her expenses. A book is kept by the seller, in which payments are entered; but a duplicate is never retained by the wife, and therefore she has no check whatever. We have known an article of dress paid for in this manner, far above its value, and have heard a poor young woman, who has been thus duped, say to a lady, who remonstrated with her: "Alas! what can I do? I dare not tell my husband." It may be that the same system, though differing according to circumstances, is pursued in a superior class of life. We have reason to think that it is so, and therefore affectionately warn our younger sisters to beware of making purchases that require concealment. Be content with such things as you can honorably afford, and such as your husbands approve. You can then wear them with every feeling of self-satisfaction.

Before dismissing this part of our subject, we beseech you to avoid all bickerings. What does it signify where a picture hangs, or whether a rose or a pink looks best on the drawing-room table? There is something inexpressibly endearing in small concessions, in gracefully giving up a favorite opinion, or in yielding to the will of another; and equally painful is the reverse. The mightiest rivers have their source in streams; the bitterest domestic misery has often arisen from some trifling difference of opinion. If, by chance, you marry a man of a hasty temper, great discretion is required. Much willingness, too, and prayer for strength to rule your own spirit are necessary. Three instances occur to us, in which, ladies have knowingly married men of exceeding violent tempers, and yet have lived happily. The secret of their happiness consisted in possessing a perfect command over themselves, and in seeking, by every possible means, to prevent their husbands from committing themselves in their presence.

Lastly, remember your standing as a lady, and never approve a mean action, nor speak an unrefined word; let all your conduct be such as an honorable and right-minded man may look for in his wife, and the mother of his children. The slightest duplicity destroys confidence. The least want of refinement in conversation, or in the selection of books, lowers a woman, ay, and for ever! Follow these few simple precepts, and they shall prove to you of more worth than rubies; neglect them, and you will know what sorrow is. They apply to every class of society, in every place where man has fixed his dwelling; and to the woman who duly observes them may be given the beautiful commendation of Solomon, when recording the words which the mother of King Lemuel taught him:

"The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her; she will do him good, and not evil, all the days of her life. Strength and honor are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come. Her children rise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her."--Prov. xxxi.

We shall now address ourselves exclusively to our brethren; to them who have taken upon themselves the sacred and comprehensive names of husband and of master, who have formed homes to dwell in, and have placed therein, as their companions through life's pilgrimage, gentle and confiding ones, who have left for them all that was heretofore most dear, and whom they have sworn to love and to cherish.

When a man marries, it is understood that all former acquaintanceship _ends_, unless he intimates a desire to renew it, by sending you his own and his wife's card, if near, or by letter, if distant. If this be neglected, be sure no further intercourse is desired.

In the first place, a bachelor is seldom _very particular_ in the choice of his companions. So long as he is amused, he will associate freely enough with those whose morals and habits would point them out as highly dangerous persons to introduce into the sanctity of domestic life.

Secondly, a married man has the tastes of _another_ to consult; and the friend of the _husband_ may not be equally acceptable to the _wife_.

Besides, newly-married people may wish to limit the circle of their friends, from praiseworthy motives of economy. When a man first "_sets up_" in the world, the burden of an extensive and indiscriminate acquaintance may be felt in various ways. Many have had cause to regret the weakness of mind which allowed them to plunge into a vortex of gaiety and expense they could ill afford, from which they have found it difficult to extricate themselves, and the effects of which have proved a serious evil to them in after-life.

Remember that you have now, as a married man, a very different standing in society from the one which you previously held, and that the happiness of another is committed to your charge. Render, therefore, your home happy by kindness and attention to your wife, and carefully watch over your words and actions. If small disputes arise, and your wife has not sufficient good sense to yield her opinion; nay, if she even seems determined to have her own way, and that tenaciously, do not get angry; rather be silent, and let the matter rest. An opportunity will soon occur of speaking affectionately, yet decidedly, on the subject, and much good will be effected. Master your own temper, and you will soon master your wife's; study her happiness without yielding to any caprices, and you will have no reason to regret your self-control.

Never let your wife go to church alone on Sunday. You can hardly do a worse thing as regards her good opinion of you, and the well-being of your household. It is a pitiable sight to see a young wife going toward the church-door unattended, alone in the midst of a crowd, with her thoughts dwelling, it may be very sadly, on the time when you were proud to walk beside her. Remember that the condition of a young bride is often a very solitary one; and that for your sake she has left her parents' roof, and the companionship of her brothers and sisters. If you are a professional man, your wife may have to live in the neighborhood of a large city, where she scarcely knows any one, and without those agreeable domestic occupations, or young associates, among whom she had grown up. Her garden and poultry-yard are hers no longer, and the day passes without the light of any smile but yours. You go off, most probably after breakfast, to your business or profession, and do not return till a late dinner; perhaps even not then, if you are much occupied, or have to keep up professional connections. It seems unmanly, certainly most unkind, to let your young wife go to church on Sunday without you, for the common-place satisfaction of lounging at home. To act in this manner is certainly a breach of domestic etiquette. Sunday is the only day in which you can enable her to forget her father's house, and the pleasant associations of her girlhood days--in which you can pay her those attentions which prevent all painful comparisons as regards the past. Sunday is a day of rest, wisely and mercifully appointed to loose the bonds by which men are held to the world; let it be spent by you as becomes the head of a family. Let no temptation ever induce you to wish your wife to relinquish attending Divine service, merely that she may "idle at home with you." Religion is her safeguard amid the trials or temptations of this world. And woe may be to you if you seek to withdraw her from its protection!

Much perplexity in the marriage state often arises from want of candor. Men conceal their affairs, and expect their wives to act with great economy, without assigning any reason why such should be the case; but the husband ought frankly to tell his wife the real amount of his income; for, unless this is done, she cannot properly regulate her expenses. They ought then to consult together as to the sum that can be afforded for housekeeping, which should be rather below than above the mark. When this is arranged he will find it advantageous to give into her hands, either weekly, monthly, or quarterly, the sum that is appropriated for daily expenditure, and above all things to avoid interfering without absolute necessity. The home department belongs exclusively to the wife; the province of the husband is to rule the house--hers to regulate its internal movements. True it is, that some inexperienced young creatures know but little of household concerns. If this occur, have patience, and do not become pettish or ill-humored. If too much money is laid out at first, give advice, kindly and firmly, and the young wife will soon learn how to perform her new duties.

No good ever yet resulted, or ever will result from unnecessary interference. If a man unhappily marries an incorrigible simpleton, or spendthrift, he cannot help himself. Such, however, is rarely the case. Let a man preserve his own position, and assist his wife to do the same; all things will then move together, well and harmoniously.

Much sorrow, and many heart-burnings, may be avoided by judicious conduct in the outset of life. Husbands should give their wives all confidence. They have intrusted to them their happiness, and should never suspect them of desiring to waste their money. Whenever a disposition is manifested to do right, express your approbation. Be pleased with trifles, and commend efforts to excel on every fitting occasion. If your wife is diffident, encourage her, and avoid seeing small mistakes. It is unreasonable to add to the embarrassments of her new condition, by ridiculing her deficiencies. Forbear extolling the previous management of your mother or your sisters. Many a wife has been alienated from her husband's family, and many an affectionate heart has been deeply wounded by such injudicious conduct; and, as a sensible woman will always pay especial attention to the relations of her husband, and entertain them with affectionate politeness, the husband on his part should always cordially receive and duly attend to her relations. The reverse of this, on either side, is often productive of unpleasant feelings.

Lastly, we recommend every young married man, who wishes to render his home happy, to consider his wife as the light of his domestic circle, and to permit no clouds, however small, to obscure the region in which she presides. Most women are naturally amiable, gentle, and complying; and if a wife becomes perverse, and indifferent to her home, it is generally her husband's fault. He may have neglected her happiness; but nevertheless it is unwise in her to retort, and, instead of faithfully reflecting the brightness that still may shine upon her, to give back the dusky and cheerless hue which saddens her existence. Be not selfish, but complying, in small things. If your wife dislikes cigars--and few young women like to have their clothes tainted by tobacco--leave off smoking; for it is, at best, an ungentlemanly and dirty habit. If your wife asks you to read to her, do not put your feet upon a chair and go to sleep. If she is fond of music, accompany her as you were wont when you sought her for a bride. The husband may say that he is tired, and does not like music, or reading aloud. This may occasionally be true, and no amiable woman will ever desire her husband to do what would really weary him. We, however, recommend a young man to practice somewhat of self-denial, and to remember that no one acts with a due regard to his own happiness who lays aside, when married, those gratifying attentions which he was ever ready to pay the lady of his love; or those rational sources of home enjoyment which made her look forward with a bounding heart to become his companion through life.

Etiquette is a comprehensive term; and its observances are nowhere more to be desired than in the domestic circle.

ON GENERAL SOCIETY.