Chapter XII: Section V: The Greenland Doctor

Some circumstances of a more playful nature belonging to the period embraced by the present chapter may here be introduced, with a view to vary and perhaps enliven these parental records.

The subject I select belongs to the history of a kind of _steward-surgeon_,--the humble class of medical practitioners usually employed at the period of my Father's early career, being designed, on the one part, to fulfil the technical requirements of the law, that a whale-ship claiming the advantage of the Government "bounty," must carry a surgeon; and, on the other part, to gratify the officers in the captain's cabin by the improvement of the common culinary operations of the ship's cook, by the hands of the doctor or second-mate acting as cabin-steward and pastry-cook. To my Father's credit, however, it should be stated, that he was the first, as I have understood, who sought out a more fitting person for this department, and, obtaining a medical student from Edinburgh, employed him strictly as a medical officer, and gave him the advantage of a gentleman's position.

On one occasion, during the period referred to, my Father had not succeeded, when the time for the arrangement became pressing, in engaging a surgeon for the voyage. Hearing, however, of a person living in a village near Whitby, who had, according to repute, sundry qualifications appropriable to the station as its _duties_ were then ordered, my Father sent to inquire whether he would like a situation, the emoluments of which might far exceed his usual earnings from a multifarious profession. The "doctor," (as we shall hereafter call him,) forthwith proceeded to Whitby, and, on being particularly questioned as to his various capabilities, gave a most ample schedule of the duties he was qualified to undertake. He could bleed and draw teeth--the two essentials for the surgeon;--he could shave and dress hair--the qualifications of the barber;--he could make pastry and bake--the chief requisites of the cabin cook.

But, in order to his passing the mustering-officer of the Customs, a medical certificate, to be obtained only by personal examination, he, somewhat to his discomfiture, was told would be requisite. After some consideration, as to the difficulties of such an ordeal, and the probabilities of failure or success, he expressed his willingness to submit to an examination. Whatever his anxieties might have been, in prospect of the trial, my father could hardly be less solicitous than the doctor himself about the result, as the sailing of the ship might possibly be delayed if the present candidate for the post of medical-officer should fail.

An appointment was forthwith arranged for this serious affair, Doctor R----, of Whitby, being the examiner, and the Angel Inn, the place for the exercise. My Father, who had accompanied his candidate officer to the place of meeting, sent him, under guidance of a waiter, to a private room, where Dr. R---- was waiting for him, wishing him, with no small measure of anxious misgivings, good-luck in his examination. But the doctor was a _wise_ man, and his simple-minded forethought did him essential service.

In a very few minutes, to my Father's much surprise and disappointment, as he naturally anticipated, the doctor returned. "How is this?" he exclaimed, "What is the matter, that you have returned so soon?" "Oh," said the doctor, with a curious mixture of expression of subdued happiness and self-sufficient gratulation, "it's all over--I've passed." "Passed!" ejaculated my Father, "how is that possible? Doctor R---- had no time to examine you." The doubt was settled by the handing over of a slip of paper containing a sufficient certificate. All curiosity to know how such an issue could have been attained in so limited a space of time, my Father impatiently asked, "But how was it, doctor? How were you examined?"

The doctor described the scene, as I well remember my Father's account of it, in about the following terms:--"When I went to Doctor R.," said the now happily appointed surgeon, "I spoke first; I said to him, Doctor R., the long and the short of the business is this--_if I can do no good, I'll do no harm_." "Then," after a moment's pause and consideration, with some little expression of cool surprise, as the candidate described it, "Then," replied the examiner, "_you'll do better than half the doctors in England_;" and, without a word more, he proceeded to write out a certificate.

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Anecdotes of the doctor were not unfrequently told, with evident pleasant recollections, by my Father, who seemed, in an unusual degree, to have exercised a playful pleasantry with this simple-minded officer of many departments.

The cookery he managed with a fair measure of ability; and the breakfast cakes, though not always so _fair_ as they might have been, were sufficiently enjoyable in comparison of hard coarse biscuits. But a little disrelish was threatened by an accidental sight of the process of cake-making, which it required the full measure of indifference to trifling unfitnesses among the sailors of the mess to get over. One morning, early, my Father happened to pass by the place where the doctor was industriously preparing the paste for the oven. To his surprise he observed, and uttered an exclamation expressive of the surprise, that the hands of the manipulator of the elements of bread were not only unwashed, but most remote from the ordinary colour belonging to cleanliness. The doctor bore the exclamation with the coolest perseverance, and without even lifting his eyes from the bowl in which he was mixing the materials, contented himself with remarking, in reduplication of expression, the but ill-consoling fact, as to the effect of the operation on his hands, "the paste will clean them! the paste will clean them!"

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The doctor was ambitious of practice in shooting, and fond of embracing occasions for the purpose. Whilst the ship was incidentally lying close beset in the ice, without the possibility of any movement being effected, my Father, on one occasion, bethought himself of an enlivenment of the general depression incident to such a situation, at the expense of the simple-hearted, good-natured doctor. For this he made the fitting arrangements, and then, calling up the doctor, pointed him out a dark-looking object, apparently a seal, lying at some little distance from the ship, and asked him if he would like to go and try to shoot it? The proposition was too pleasant to the doctor's wishes to be rejected, and preparations were forthwith made by the bringing up of two guns, with the requisites for loading, upon the deck. My Father took one of the guns to load, handing over the other to the doctor for the same purpose, and then they descended upon the ice, which afforded a sufficiently firm footing for their travelling to the place where the object of the contemplated sport was seen.

As they proceeded, my Father favoured the doctor by offering him the first shot; but supposing his own gun might suit the doctor best, being a finer and lighter piece than the other, he proposed an exchange, which was readily and thankfully accepted.

Coming near the place, they saw the dark-looking back of the creature plainly appearing, with an occasional slight movement indicative of wakefulness, behind a small hummock of the ice; then advancing cautiously, till almost within shot, my Father suggested that the doctor should creep forward, in shelter of the hummock, till he got the animal sufficiently within command of his gun. Having attained the requisite position, my Father, in an audible whisper, cried, "Now, doctor, now's your time!" The doctor having anxiously taken his aim, and satisfactorily covered the creature with his gun, fired, when, instead of a seal, up started one of the seamen, uttering a terrific shout of "Murder! murder! I'm a murdered man!" My Father joined in the exclamation of horror at what the doctor had done; and the doctor turning ashy pale, his knees tottering and his teeth chattering from terror, had well nigh fallen insensible under his acute emotions--emotions aggravated in intenseness of anxiety, by the cries of the other seamen now rushing in a body to the place, to see the sad catastrophe of "a man shot in mistake for a seal by the fool of a doctor."

Happily for the dismayed and suffering sportsman, the catastrophe, though almost too painful as a joke, was soon proved to be exaggerated and unreal, by the supposed wounded seaman throwing aside the deceptive character he had assumed, and coming forward to join in the laugh against him.

It is hardly necessary to mention that the whole affair was contrived, and that, by the changing of guns, my Father had secured the well-charged one of the doctor's, and replaced it with one abundantly furnished with powder and wadding, but devoid altogether of deadly shot.

It is seldom that practical jokes go off so well; for few persons will be content to be made the dupe for others' entertainment. The potion, therefore, that we should not like to have given sportively unto ourselves, we should be cautious in administering to others. Manifold cases of very serious mischief, extending even to results fatal to human life, have arisen from the unfitting or unseasonable playing off of practical jokes. In the case which I have ventured to describe, however, there was little risk. The position of the author of the joke in respect to that of its subject, on the one part, and the good-natured simplicity of character of the subject on the other, afforded, together, a sufficient security against any essential mischief. Perhaps, too, where an entire ship's company were in much depression of mind, by reason of the alarming and tedious besetment under which they were suffering, a beneficial and redeeming effect was, on the whole, realised. For the doctor himself, so far from cherishing any painful or unkindly feelings on account of the part he had unconsciously played in the little facetious drama, was too happy in being relieved from the temporarily imagined misery of having, whilst seeking sport, deprived a fellow-creature of life. So effective, indeed, did this influence react upon his feelings of anxiety, that he himself joined in the general hilarity as heartily as any of his amused shipmates.