Chapter IV: The Colonel Issues Orders

In every storm Tick Hush always anchored himself to a white man. So, on this occasion, he did not stop running until he stood gasping for breath on Colonel Tom Gaitskill’s lawn.

Tick heard voices coming from the porch, and he knew better than to rush precipitately into the presence of guests. He began to listen, and after a while he broke into a grin.

“Dem white men is feelin’ good. Dey’s jes’ explodin’ jokes to each yuther. I’s gwine bust in an’ explode my tale of trouble.”

He walked closer to the porch and stood where the pale moonlight fell upon him.

“Is dat Marse Tom Gaitskill’s voice I hears?” he asked in a timid tone.

“Yes. What is it?”

“Marse Tom, I’s in powerful deep trouble,” Tick sighed as he came up to the porch steps. “Yes, suh, trouble is done slopped my trough good.”

“Well--tell us about it,” Gaitskill said impatiently. “Spill it!”

“You tole me I had to git married, Marse Tom,” Tick began. “I fanciated two nigger womens pretty good, so I writ a letter to bofe of ’em an’ axed ’em to marry me. Bofe of ’em tuck me up on dat.”

“That ought to make you feel happy,” Gaitskill chuckled.

“Naw, suh, it worries me in my mind. You see, bofe dem niggers met me under a sycamo’ tree, an’ one of ’em bragged her brags dat she toted a pistol reg’lar, an’ dey backed me up ag’in’ de chu’ch to pussuade me, an’--an’ a ha’nt come outen de graveyard----”

Tick stopped and chuckled.

“That ha’nt shore done me a good favor. I’d ’a’ been a ha’nt myse’f by now ef he hadn’t showed up so handy.”

“What did you do?” Gaitskill laughed.

“I lef’ dem two nigger womens wid him,” Tick snickered. “Dat ha’nt never could ’a’ kep’ up wid me--he didn’t had no use fer me nohow--an’ I didn’t need him--so I let de lady folks hab him all to deirse’ves.”

“You’ve heard this negro’s testimony, judge. What’s your verdict?” Gaitskill asked smilingly of Judge Henry Lanark, who sat beside him on the porch.

“Thank the Lord, I’m no lunacy jury,” Lanark laughed. Then he asked: “Was one of those women named Limit, Tick?”

“Yes, suh.”

“I have a little corroborating testimony to offer,” Judge Lanark remarked to Gaitskill. “I got a letter in my post-office box to-day addressed to Limit Lark, my cook. I presume Tick picked her for matrimonial honors.”

“Yes, suh, dat’s her,” Tick chuckled.

“What do you want me to do about it, Tick?” Gaitskill asked.

“I dunno, Marse Tom. I jes’ come to git a view from you ’bout dat.”

“What do you think those two women will do to you?” Gaitskill queried.

“Kill me dead,” Tick answered simply.

“In that case, I presume you do not care to consider a matrimonial alliance with either,” Gaitskill grinned.

“Naw, suh, nothin’ like dat.”

“What do you think those two women will do to each other when they compare the contents of those two letters?” Gaitskill asked next.

“Gawd knows,” Tick sighed.

“It would be wise to recover those letters, if possible,” Judge Lanark suggested.

“I kin git ’em all right,” Tick said. “Bofe letters is layin’ on de groun’ close to de Shoofly chu’ch whar dey dropped ’em down when dey seed de ha’nt.”

“Go get them at once!” Lanark commanded.

“I’ll git ’em in de mawnin’, jedge,” Tick replied. “Nobody ain’t gwine pick ’em up to-night--not no niggers--dey ain’t!”

“Isn’t there some other woman you could fall in love with?” Gaitskill wanted to know.

“I ’speck so, boss.”

“I advise you to choose a third party and marry her,” Gaitskill said.

“I’s kinder squeamish ’bout dat, kunnel,” Tick said earnestly. “You see, dis am de fustest time I is ever messed wid mattermony, an’ I ain’t real shore of my foot-holt.”

“You have messed it pretty well, so far,” Gaitskill laughed. “Of course, if you don’t want to marry, I think I can find some other man to put on my plantation as tenant----”

“Naw, suh, kunnel,” Tick interrupted with emphasis. “I’s gwine git dat job ef I’s got to mess up wid all de mattermony ladies in dis town. I needs dat job.”

“Go as far as you like,” Gaitskill smiled. “You can’t make me mad. If you get into trouble I’ll help you all I can, and I am sure the judge will give you the benefit of his legal knowledge and experience.”

“Will you-alls really he’p me, Marse Tom?” Tick asked eagerly.

Gaitskill did not know that his jesting words were being taken seriously. So his answer to Tick’s eager question was unfortunate. It had the effect of turning Tick loose on the community, feeling that he could do anything with impunity because the colonel and the judge were with him.

“Certainly,” Gaitskill said. “We’ll be glad to help you.”

“Could you begin he’pin’ by loantin’ me five dollars?” Tick asked diffidently.

“Give it to him!” Lanark exploded. “War munitions--campaign expenses!”

Tick turned away with the money in his pocket and exultation in his heart. With two great men to back his enterprises, he was sure he could accomplish great things. Whatever the risks, he would be perfectly safe. Even if he got into jail, the judge would help him out again.

“I’ll mess wid mattermony, all right!” he chuckled. “It’s de kunnel’s awders!”