Chapter I: Introduction

It would be difficult to think of _Mr. Punch’s_ prototype of the immortal drama as “in Society”; but, however much our national jester may resemble in facial detail the somewhat rude and impulsive character from whom he took his name, he is in all his instincts a gentleman. In other words, it is just here that PUNCH has differed from most comic journals, being, if not absolutely from the first number, certainly from its early days, distinguished for refinement of taste and good manners, not less than for its wit and humour. “MR. PUNCH in Society” is indeed MR. PUNCH in his most congenial surroundings, as he has been above all else the untiring, irrepressible satirist of the social world.

If an analysis were made of all the drawings which have appeared in PUNCH from 1841 to the present day, we venture to think that those devoted to Society’s ways, its foibles, its follies, would greatly outnumber the illustrations of any other phase of life. And was not the entire career of one of MR. PUNCH’S most celebrated artists devoted exclusively to social satire? The name of George du Maurier is pre-eminent in the history of modern humorous art. To an unerring instinct for character, shrewd but never unkindly satire, he united a profound sense of beauty which made his work unique and individual. It was thus that to a vast public, of which only a very small proportion could be expected to possess any art culture, Du Maurier’s work appealed with irresistible force, his charming lightness of touch, his gaiety, which came no doubt from his Gallic origins, rendering everything from his pencil a source of delight to the general public, no less than to the students of draughtsmanship.

Du Maurier’s connection with PUNCH began in 1860 and his earliest work displayed very little of that wonderful grace to which it attained before many years had passed, but Mr. Henry James, discussing his art so long ago as 1883, said that “since 1868, PUNCH has been, artistically speaking, George du Maurier,” an opinion which would certainly be accepted in America, where for a generation the cultured classes looked to Du Maurier, as Mr. Spielman reminds us, “almost exclusively, not only for English fashions in male and female attire, the _dernière mode_ in social etiquette, but for the truest reflection of English life and character.”

When we consider that almost exclusively in the pages of MR. PUNCH is the artistic life-work of Du Maurier contained, we shall see how inexhaustible a treasury is there to be drawn upon for such a collection as the present. We have thought it wise, however, not to limit “MR. PUNCH in Society” to the work of any one humorist, but have sought to present a collection of Du Maurier’s best social satires in company with those of many other artists who, in their individual ways, have also depicted the humours of social life.

MR. PUNCH IN SOCIETY

* * * * *

A SEASONABLE LETTER

_Huntingthorpe Hall._

MY DEAR JACK,--I want you to come down on Monday and stay a couple of days with me. My wife will be delighted, as you can help her with a children’s party, and also play Pantaloon in a little thing being got up by the young people. I will mount you on the Tuesday with our Stag hounds, as I know you are fond of a day’s hunting. No, don’t thank me, my dear chap--I shall be only too glad if you will go, as the horse I am intending to put you on is a rank brute, and when he doesn’t refuse his fences--which is a rare occurrence--he invariably falls into them. However, you won’t mind _that_, will you?

You will have to put up with real bachelor accommodation, I am afraid, as the house is crammed. The best I can do for you is a half share of one of the attics. Our cook has left us, all unexpectedly, so this places her room at our disposal for two of you. The kitchen-maid is doing her best to keep us from starving; but, though she means well, I can hardly class her as a _cordon bleu_.

Louise Dearlove, that pretty little girl you were so sweet upon last season, is unable to come; but her brother--the red-headed youth who was always trying to pick a quarrel with you--will be here.

I am so short of horses that I fear I must ask you to cab the four miles up from the station; but I am sure you won’t mind taking the rough with the smooth.

Yours ever,
JOHN JOSTLER.

As the recipient of the above invitation, I ask which is “the smooth”?

* * * * *

“Not dancing any more to-night, Fred?”

“No; and, what’s more, I’ll never put my foot in this house again! Why, I’ve been _introduced three times_!”]

* * * * *

_Stout Lady (at a charity ball)._ “Excuse me, Lady Godolphin, but I _should_ so like to make some notes of your charming costume--may I?”

_Lady Godolphin._ “Pardon me, but really I’m afraid I haven’t the pleasure of----”

_Stout Lady._ “Oh, I’m _sure_ you won’t mind: I’m ‘Girlie,’ you know--I do the fashion article for _Classy Bits_!”]

* * * * *

_Stout Party._ “No, don’t trouble! This is the only exercise I ever take!”]

* * * * *

_Future Duke._ “What are you goin’ to do this mornin’ eh?”

_Future Earl._ “Oh, I dunno. Rot about, I s’pose, as usual.”

_Future Duke._ “Oh, but I say, that’s so rotten.”

_Future Earl._ “Well, what else is there to do, you rotter?”]

* * * * *

THE “BOOK TEA”

Scene--_The Drawing-rooms of No. 1 and No. 2, Upperten
Mansions, S.W._

_First Lady (entering)._ Here I am! I am sure you won’t guess who I am. See, the American Banner and the Union Jack. I represent “Under Two Flags.”

_First Hostess._ Oh, how clever! But we shall have Mr. Smith here presently, and he is sure to come in something quite new.

_Second Lady (entering)._ Here I am. Now you will never know what book I represent. Stars and stripes on one shoulder, the white ensign on the other! “Under Two Flags.” Eh?

_First Hostess._ Wonderful! We shall have Mr. Smith here by and by. He is sure to amuse us.

_Third Lady (entering)._ I promised to come and here I am. The Star Spangled Banner and our own Royal Standard. “Under Two Flags.” There, isn’t it good?

_First Hostess._ Quite too good! So pleased you have come. We are waiting for Mr. Smith. He’s sure to make us all laugh, as he’s _so_ original!

_Fourth Lady._ Up to my time! And I have come as a well-known book. See, a dear little American banner on one side of my head, and a weeny, weeny Union Jack on the other. “Under Two Flags.” I thought I would surprise you!

_First Hostess._ I knew you would. Mr. Smith is coming! He’s sure to be funny.

_Mr. Smith (entering)._ Now you must guess. I won’t take off my cloak until I have shown you these two dolls. Here they are, soldiers of the time of Louis XIV. And now you shall see me. (_Throws off his cloak and appears in gorgeous costume._) I represent, with the help of my companions, “The Three Musketeers.”

_Second Hostess (rigidly)._ I think there is some mistake. This is a meeting of the Distressed Charwomen’s Food Fund Association. I think you must have wanted to attend my neighbour next door’s Book Tea.

_Mr. Smith (hastily resuming his cloak)._ Oh, I beg your pardon.

[_Exit in confusion._

* * * * *

_She._ “Oh, _how_ do you do, dear Mr. Lyon. _Have_ you forgiven me for cutting you at Mrs. Leo Hunter’s last night? I was actually stupid enough to take you for that horrid bore, Mr. Tetterby Thompson, whom you’re said to be so like. It’s a horrid libel--you’re not like him a bit.”

_He._ “A--a--I _wasn’t_ at Mrs. Leo Hunter’s last night--a--a--a--and my name _is_ Tetterby Thompson!”]

* * * * *

_Digby._ “I had hoped for the pleasure of taking you down to supper, Mrs. Masham!”

_Rigby._ “Too late, my dear fellow! It’s the _early_ bird that catches the worm!”]

* * * * *

_Mr. Marsh._ “I’ve just had quite a long chat with your three charming little girls, Mrs. Roope.”

_Mrs. Roope._ “Not mine, Mr. Marsh. I have no children.”

_Mr. Marsh_ (_very surprised_). “No chil---- Are you sure?”]

* * * * *

I

[_See page 19_]

THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID

I

_Enter Mr. Chesterfield Grandison Potts._ “How d’ye do, my dear Mrs. Pettifer? I’ve come to congratulate you on your performance of the _Lady of Lyons_, at Mrs. Tomkyns’s. It was simply _perfect!_”

_Distinguished Lady Amateur._ “Oh, far from perfect, I fear! To be _perfect_, alas! the part of _Pauline_ requires that one should be _young_ and _lovely_, you know!”

_Mr. C. G. Potts_ (_who piques himself on his old-fashioned courtesy_). “My _dear_ lady, you are a _living proof to the contrary!_”

* * * * *

II

“Oh, how d’ye do, Sir Bruin? And so you’re leaving England for good, and we shall never see you again!”

“Nothing of the kind! Who says so?”

“Oh, I saw it in one of the papers. But the papers don’t always tell the truth, I’m sorry to say!”

* * * * *

III

_Enthusiastic Lady Visitor_ (_at winter health resort_). “What a delightful place this is, Professor. And the baths, how perfect! I could bathe all day--couldn’t you?”

_The Professor._ “Well, you see, I’m a _resident_, and that makes a difference!”

_Lady Visitor._ “Ah! to be sure. I suppose you never even _think_ of taking a bath!”

* * * * *

IV

_Love-lorn Middy_ (_about to join his ship_). “I’ve come to say _good-bye_, Amy!”

_Cousin Amy._ “Good-bye, Johnny. When we see you next, I hope you’ll be an _Admiral_!”

* * * * *

V

“I was _so_ sorry not to be at home when you called, Mr. Binks!”

“Oh, pray don’t mention it! It didn’t matter in the least, I can _assure_ you!”

* * * * *

VI

_Hostess._ “What, must you go already, Professor?”

_The Professor._ “My dear madam, there is a limit even to _my_ capacity of inflicting myself on my friends!”

_Hostess._ “Oh no--not at all--I _assure_ you!”

* * * * *

_Miss Bugge._ “Oh, but mine is such a horrid name!”

_Young Brown._ “Ah--a--um--I’m afraid it’s too late to alter it now!”]

* * * * *

_Deaf Old Gentleman._ “The conversation seems very amusing, my dear. What is it all about?

_Hostess_ (_fortissimo_). “When they say anything worth repeating, grandpapa, _I’ll tell you_!”]

* * * * *

_She._ “No! I can’t give you another dance. But I’ll introduce you to the prettiest girl in the room!”

_He._ “But I don’t _want_ to dance with the prettiest girl in the room. I want to dance with _you_!”]

* * * * *

_He._ “Everybody will be leaving Town now that Parliament is dissolved.”

_She._ “Yes. Indeed I think all the _nice people have left already_!”]

* * * * *

_Jones_ (_under the impression that he is making himself agreeable_). “I don’t care a bit for a pretty woman, myself! They have no conversation. _I_ like a _plain_ woman, who has _plenty to say for herself_!”]

* * * * *

(_Dinner has just been announced_)

_Hester and Billy_ (_sadly_). “Good night, sir. _We’ve_ got to go _to bed._”

_Distinguished Professor_ (_who is taking down the Hostess_). “Ah, my dears, that’s where we’re _all_ wishing we were!”]

* * * * *

_Nervous Person_ (_speaking at last to his Neighbour_). “Do you know who that remarkably _ugly_ person is just opposite--talking to the black-haired lady, you know--um--eh?”

_Neighbour._ “That, sir, is my _brother_!”

_Nervous Person._ “Yes? I--I--I beg your pardon--I--I--Stupid of me not to have seen the _family likeness_--a--a--a----”

[_Collapses and disappears._]

* * * * *

_The Professor._ “How singularly you and your brother resemble each other, Miss Angelina!”

_Miss Angelina._ “Is that a compliment to my brother, or a compliment to me?”

_The Professor._ “Oh, a compliment to neither, I assure you!”]

* * * * *

_He._ “What a pretty fan!”

_She._ “Yes; I had it given to me when I first came out!”

_He._ “Really! It _has_ worn well!”]

* * * * *

_Servant._ “Lady Glitter’s carriage!”

_Son of the House_ (_tenderly, as he hands her Ladyship out_). “Ah! I’ve been waiting for this moment all the evening!”]

* * * * *

_Caller._ “Only fancy, Mrs. Dowderley, I was very nearly calling on your neighbour, Lady Masham, whose day at home it is _too_! when I suddenly remembered I wasn’t dressed for paying calls!”]

* * * * *

XVIII

_Hostess._ “What, leaving already, Mr. Mivers! I’ve scarcely seen anything of you the whole evening!”

_Mr. Mivers_ (_who goes in for the Courteous Manners of the Olden Time_). “That, madam, is entirely my fault!”

[_Exit gracefully, but remembers as he goes downstairs
that he meant to say_ “misfortune,” _not “fault.”_

* * * * *

THINGS ONE MIGHT HAVE EXPRESSED OTHERWISE

I

_Visitor_ (_who has accepted an invitation to a local concert_). “Is it evening dress?”

_Hostess._ “Oh, no; just as you are dressed now--or worse, if you have it.”

* * * * *

II

_Lady Guest_ (_to Host, who hates getting up early_). “I’m so awfully sorry to have dragged you up at this unearthly hour, but I had to catch the 8.30 train.”

_Host._ “Not at all. I’m only too glad to be able to see you off!”

* * * * *

_Host._ “Take a little whiskey before you go, Jones?”

_Jones_ (_after helping himself_). “Thanks! May I pour you out some?”

_Host._ “Please--not too much--just about half what you’ve given yourself!”]

* * * * *

_Gushing Lady._ “Oh but, Mr. Jones, I should love to be beautiful--even if for only half-an-hour!”

_Jones._ “Yes; but you wouldn’t like the coming back again!”]

* * * * *

_He._ “I suppose, now that the London Season is coming to an end, that you’ve been very gay?”

_She._ “Oh, yes--I haven’t had a dull moment since I saw you last!”]

* * * * *

_Fair Hostess._ “Good-night, Major Jones; we’re supposed to breakfast at nine; but we’re not very punctual people. Indeed, the later you appear to-morrow morning, the better pleased we shall all be!”]

* * * * *

_The Professor_ (_to Hostess_). “Thank you so much for a most delightful evening! I shall indeed go to bed with pleasant recollections,--and _you_ will be the very _last_ person I shall think of!”]

* * * * *

_Elderly Party_ (_who fancies herself young_). “Ah, Mildred, you and I must one day lose our youth and beauty!”

_Mildred._ “Oh, you mustn’t be down-hearted. _You_ have _worn_ so wonderfully well!”]

* * * * *

_Captain Sawney_ (_at a Mi-Carême fancy dress ball, perfectly satisfied that he is saying a happy thing and paying a very great compliment_). “Well, you do look delightful! Fascinating! Too charming for words! What an awful pity it is you are not always like that!”]

* * * * *

_Jones_ (_nervously conscious that he is interrupting a pleasant tête-à-tête_). “A--I’m sorry to say I’ve been told to take you in to supper, Miss Belsize!”]

* * * * *

_Hostess._ “This is good of you, Major Grey! When I wrote I never expected for a _moment_ that you would come.”]

* * * * *

_Old Aunt_ (_despondently_). “Well, I shall not be a nuisance to you much longer.”

_Nephew_ (_reassuringly_). “Don’t talk like that, aunt. You know you will!”]

* * * * *

“Well, good-bye, Mr. Green. It was so nice of you to come. It does father such a lot of good to have someone to talk to.”

“I was delighted to come, Miss Brown, but I’m afraid I’m not much of a conversationalist.”

“My dear Mr. Green, don’t let that trouble you. Father’s ideal _listener_ is an _absolute idiot_, with no conversation _whatever_, and I know he has enjoyed himself tremendously to-night!”]

* * * * *

THE SOCIETY VOICE

[A contemporary complains that most people in Society consider it necessary to address one another in shrill, high-pitched voices.]

You’re pretty, Miss Kitty, and dainty and slim,
And graceful indeed is your mien;
Your eyes are as bright and your ankle as trim
As any the writer has seen.
Your curly brown locks, which invite a caress,
Would make any artist rejoice;
But you’ve one little fault, even I must confess,
And that’s your Society voice.

When I asked you to wed me a fortnight ago
At Mrs. De Jenkynson’s ball,
I never expected you, Kit, to say “No”
In tones that would ring through the hall.
You dreamt not--how should you, of course?--that the sound
Of your voice would be heard far and wide,
But I _did_ feel a fool when a titter went round
As we walked to your chaperon’s side.

A beautiful maiden was never yet won,
’Tis said, by a faint-hearted swain;
And so, Mistress Kit, ere the season is done
I am sure to approach you again.
And oh! if your feelings should leave you no choice
But to utter the verdict I dread,
Pronounce not my doom at the top of your voice,
But speak in a whisper instead.

* * * * *

_Fair Authoress._ “So sorry to be so late. I’m afraid I’m _last_!”

_Genial Host._ “‘_Last_--but not _least_!’”]

* * * * *

FASHIONABLE ARRIVALS

Our Money Lender.--From Borrowdale.

Our Standing Counsel.--From the Giant’s Causeway.

Our Butcher.--From the Chops of the Channel.

Our Dentist.--From the Mouth of the Thames.

Our Doctor.--From Lancing.

Our Confectioner.--From Bakewell.

Our Beekeeper.--From Honeybourne.

Our Flirting Friend.--From Florence, Constance Nancy, Nora, and Sophia.

Our Pewopener.--From Hassock’s Gate.

Our Undergraduate.--From Reading.

Our Tailor.--From the New Cut.

Our Own Correspondent.--From Penmaenmawr.

And our Darlings.--From Archangel and the Coast of Bonny.

* * * * *

FRONT AND SIDE.--_She._ “What an enormous expanse of shirt-front Major Armstrong has!”

_He._ “H’m--it isn’t his _front_ I object to. It’s his _side_!”

* * * * *

_Jones_ (_after a delightful waltz_). “And now, Miss Brown, let us go and seek some ‘Refreshment for Man and Beast!’”]

* * * * *

SOCIAL AGONIES.--(Scene--_Mrs. Montgomery Morris’s Drawing-room just before Dinner._)--_Mrs. Sidney Mountjoy_ (_to Hostess_). “Oh yes, Biarritz was all very well, but we got into a quarrel with some people there--a _dreadful_ couple, who behaved most _shamefully_! I’m told the husband, a certain Mr. _Hamilton Allsop_, means to pull Sidney’s nose _whenever_ and _wherever_ he meets him, and his horrid wife actually declares she’ll----”

_Footman._ “Mr. and Mrs. _’Amilton Hallsop_!”

* * * * *

A FRUGAL MIND.--_She._ “And don’t forget to order six dozen of the _very driest_ champagne you can get, for our dance on Tuesday next.”

_He._ “But the ladies, as a rule, don’t like very dry champagne.”

_She._ “No, love, they don’t. Neither do the _waiters_!”

* * * * *

LE MONDE OÙ L’ON S’AMUSE.--_She._ “I want you to come and dine with me, but I suppose you are so much engaged just now. How many deep?”

_He._ “I really don’t know. Sufficient for the day is the evil thereof.”

* * * * *

_The Twin Muddletons_ (_both claiming the dance, after much argument, simultaneously_). “Well, we leave it to you, Miss Brown. You must know whom you gave this dance to!”

[_Miss Brown, never having seen them before this,
her first ball, and quite unable to tell t’other
from which, has no views on the question._]

* * * * *

_Polite Visitor_ (_eager to agree_). “Yes, the way she gets on with _you_ shows that!”]

* * * * *

MAY FAIR NURSERY RHYMES

(_For the Children of “Smart People”_)

Ding-a-dong, ding-a-dong, what do I care!
I’ll sing you a nice little song of May Fair--
Five hundred people invited to meet
In a wee little house, in a wee little street--
Five hundred people all huddled together,
Discussing the faults of their friends and the weather--
One little pianist strumming an air,
No one to listen and no one to care--
One little lady attempting to sing,
Tears in the eyes of that poor little thing:
Up gets a man, sings, “_Two lovely black eyes!_”--
You might hear a pin drop--“_Oh! what a surprise!_”
For that is the music they like in May Fair.
Ding-a-dong, ding-a-dong, what do I care!

* * * * *

SOCIAL ECONOMY.--_Mrs. Scrooge._ “I’m writing to ask the Browns to meet the Joneses here at dinner, and to the Joneses to meet the Browns. We owe them both, you know.”

_Mr. Scrooge._ “But I’ve heard they’ve just quarrelled, and don’t speak!”

_Mrs. Scrooge._ “I know. They’ll refuse, and we needn’t give a dinner party at all!”

* * * * *

* * * * *

_Second Groom_ (_waiting at tea for the nonce, and handing thin bread-and-butter--sotto voce_). “Clap two or three bits together, miss, then you’ll get a bite!”]

* * * * *

“There, Major, it’s the best likeness I ever had taken of me--and poor Fred never saw it!”]

* * * * *

* * * * *

THE LATEST THING IN CRIME

(_A Dialogue of the Present Day_)

SCENE--_Mrs. Featherston’s Drawing-room. Mrs. Thistledown
discovered calling._

_Mrs. Thistledown_ (_taking up a novel on a side-table_). “The Romance of a Plumber,” by Paul Poshley. My dear Flossie, you _don’t_ mean to tell me you read _that_ man?

_Mrs. Featherston._ I haven’t had time to do more than dip into it as yet. But why, Ida? _Oughtn’t_ I to read him?

_Ida._ Well, from something Mr. Pinceney told me the other day--but really it’s too bad to repeat such things. One never knows, there _may_ be nothing in it.

_Flossie._ Still, you might just as well _tell_ me, Ida! Of course I should never dream----

_Ida._ After all, I don’t suppose there’s any secret about it. It seems, from what Mr. Pinceney says, that this Mr. Poshley--you must _promise_ not to say I told you----

_Flossie._ Of course--of course. But do go on, Ida. What _does_ Mr. Poshley do?

_Ida._ Well, it appears he _splits his infinitives_.

_Flossie_ (_horrified_). Oh, not _really_! But how _cruel_ of him! Why, I met him at the Dragnetts’ only last week, and he didn’t look at _all_ that kind of person!

_Ida._ I’m afraid there’s no doubt about it. It’s perfectly notorious. And of course any one who once takes to _that_----

_Flossie._ Yes, indeed. _Quite_ hopeless. At least, I _suppose_ so. Isn’t it?

_Ida._ Mr. Pinceney seemed to think so.

_Flossie._ How sad! But can’t anything be _done_, Ida? Isn’t there any law to punish him? By the bye, how _do_ you split--what is it?--infinitudes?

_Ida._ My dear, I thought you knew. I really didn’t like to ask any questions.

_Flossie._ Well, whatever it is, I shall tell Mudies not to send me anything more of his. I _don’t_ think one ought to encourage such persons.

* * * * *

TWO VERY DIFFERENT PERSONAGES.--“A society man” and “a secret society man.”

* * * * *

“If you please, Miss Lilian, your mamma has sent the footman to see you home!”]

* * * * *

_Wife_ (_to FitzJones, who, in trying to lay the cloth for the picnic on a windy day, has got among the crockery_). “Just look what you’re doing, Archibald!”]

* * * * *

_Mrs. Blobbs._ “I quite thought you had forgotten us, Miss Gusher.”

_Miss Gusher._ “Well, I have a bad memory for faces as a rule, but I should not be likely to forget yours!”]

* * * * *

“ANOTHER PAIR OF SLEEVES”

Time was, not very long ago,
When Mabel’s walking-skirt
Trailed half-a-yard behind to show
How well she swept the dirt.
But “short and sweet” are in again;
No more the grievance rankles,
For Mabel’s now curtailed her train
And shows her dainty ankles.

But Mabel has a thrifty mind.
To supplement her charms,
The frills that once she wore behind
She fastens on her arms.
Her sleeves are made in open bags
Like trousers in the Navy;
No more she sweeps the streets, but drags
Her sleeve across the gravy.

* * * * *

LENTEN NON LENT-’EM.--_Fräulein von Under Standt._ “How _very_ plainly zat dear Lady Churchleigh is dressed!”

_Friend._ “Yes, indeed. But, you must remember, it is Lent.”

_Fräulein._ “Ach no! You do not mean to tell me really and truly zat she _borrows_ her dresses?”

* * * * *

“Not if I know it, old man! This umbrella was done up last May by Monty Brabazon, and has never been opened since!”

“Monty Brabazon? Who’s he?”

“Not know Lord Montague Brabazon? Why, he’s about the only man in London _who really knows how to do up an umbrella_!”]

* * * * *

_The Professor._ “I’m sorry to, my dear lady, but I have been working so late all the week I feel I must have my beauty sleep to-night.”

_Hostess._ “Then I mustn’t keep you. I’m sure you _need_ it, poor thing!”]

* * * * *

_He._ “No! I can’t stand it. I shall go away if it continues!”

_She._ “I do hope it will!”]

* * * * *

“Thanks for a very pleasant evening, and good-night, Herr Professor. I’m sorry to have to leave you so early!”

“Ach! Fräulein, when you come to see us, your stays are always so short!”]

* * * * *

_Lady Vere de Vere_ (_to distinguished foreigner_). “You _must_ excuse me. I know it’s awfully silly of me. I know your name so well, but I can’t remember your face!”]

* * * * *

_Mr. Carter._ “No. They’ve all got colds. I was the only one of the family able to come.”

_She._ “Oh! I _am_ sorry.”]

* * * * *

SERVICE AND SOCIETY NEWS

(_According to Mr. Sheldon_)

[“The Rev. Charles M. Sheldon has just aroused the wrath of the
ladies of Topeka by his views on the servant-girl problem. He
advocated from the pulpit ‘the hired girl’ should be treated
as one of the family and cherished, not chided.”--_Pall Mall
Gazette._]

Lord Doubleshire entertained a small party of friends at his town house last evening. After dinner the servants mingled freely with the guests, and the Marchioness of Stoke Newington was presented to the second stair-maid, Miss Elizabeth Wilkins, whose acquaintance she made.

Among the smart “bridge” parties last week must be numbered Mrs. Algey Bounceby’s. Her butler, Thomas Scraggs, who paired for the first rubber with the Duke of Dunkirk, is fast proving his claim to be one of the finest exponents of this fashionable card game.

We understand that the Countess of Crumbleton has issued cards to a distinguished but select few to meet her coachman, Mr. John Jenkins.

At the theatre the other evening, conspicuous among a remarkably well-dressed set of people, we noticed Lord Loughboro, the Hon. Misses Loughboro, and the head gardener, Ezekiel Jilks. The latter gentleman wore the famous silver Albert watch-chain, a Christmas present, it is understood, from Miss Gwendolen Loughboro, the bestowal of which gift has aroused so much comment in aristocratic and horticultural circles.

Half-a-dozen dissatisfied members of Brooks’s club are talking of resigning if Lord Livewell’s groom is not black-balled. He was of course put up by Lord Livewell himself and seconded by his uncle, Earl Gothepace. One or two rumours have certainly reached us reflecting on the temperance of Bob Whippet, the handsome groom. But for the old-fashioned prejudices which evidently animate the action of the discontented six, we have nothing but the severest reproof.

Owing to the severe illness of Miss Madeline Marrowby, the stall at the forthcoming Bazaar will be taken by her maid Ellen Cripps. As previously arranged, the stall-holders will be presented individually to the Royal Visitors.

In the forthcoming golf competition, at Hoylake, Miss Susan Bates, the scullery-maid to Hon. Miss Fitzwinter, is looked on as a likely prize winner. Her handicap playing has shown a wonderful improvement lately, so much so that her considerate mistress has given her permission to forego her ordinary duties of washing up the dishes and filling the coal scuttles, in order that she may get in a good morning’s practice on the links.

Among the presentations for the next Drawing-room we are glad to notice the name of Kate Briggs, the pretty second parlour-maid of Lord and Lady Wigmore. It will be remembered that their head butler attended the last levée. A full description of Miss Briggs’s presentation costume appears elsewhere.

* * * * *

* * * * *

_Fair Widow._ “Yes. I wouldn’t part with him on any account. I never look at him without thinking of poor dear Marmaduke!”]

* * * * *

_She._ “How very exciting! And which spot did you shoot him on?”]

* * * * *

THE LION AT HOME.--_The Hope and Pride of the Family_ (_just home from the grand tour_). “Oh, really, you know, the men one meets in some of those places out west! I said to myself every night, ‘Well, thank Heaven I haven’t shot anybody!’”

_Fond and Nervous Mother._ “You mean, thank Heaven nobody shot you, don’t you, dear?”

* * * * *

_Young Lady._ “I suppose you know everybody here, Miss Oddie?”

_Miss Oddie._ “Oh, I know most of them. But there are several _strange faces_ over there!”]

* * * * *

THE LAMENT OF THE LADIES’ MAN

In youth I never cared for sport;
Fresh air was not a passion to me;
Athletic feats of any sort
Sent unresponsive shudders through me;
I had, in fact, a sedentary mind,
And hated exercise of any kind.

And so, when others smote the sphere
With bat or mallet, boots or putter,
I charmed (with song) the female ear,
And made the female bosom flutter.
I also played the zither and recited
Poems of young loves, prematurely blighted.

I sang, as I have said: I had
That kind of voice that folks call “fluty”;
I trilled of “Memories strangely sad,”
Of “Pansies” and the “Eyes of Beauty.”
Not more divinely does the early bird
Sing when the worm has recently occurred.

At that delightful hour of gloom,
Slightly anterior to tea-time,
I paralysed the drawing-room
With trifles of my own in three-time,
Till all the air was heavy with Desire,
And prostrate matrons begged me to retire.

Just then a vogue for High Romance
Prevailed, and I’d a pent-up yearning;
The hollow cheek, the hungry glance,
Betrayed the fever inly burning;
At inconvenient times the thing would out,
Especially when ladies were about.

Somehow the care of female hearts
At that time always fell to my lot;
Within the maze of Cupid’s arts
I was their guiding star, their pilot;
Not to have loved me with a blinding passion
Was, broadly speaking, to be out of fashion.

But latterly, I don’t know why,
That star has waned, until at last I’m
Left in the lurch while maidens fly
Towards the ruder forms of pastime;
And now their talk is all of tennis courts,
Of golf, gymkhanas and athletic sports.

I don’t complain. I know there’ll be
One of these days a mild renaissance
In the exclusive cult of ME:
I view the fact with some complaisance;
One day there’ll come an era of the Brain,
And Theodore will be himself again.

* * * * *

MANNERS.--In the dining-room of respectable society it is not considered correct to put your fingers into the plate before you. But at church, into the plate that is set before you, all are expected to put their alms.

* * * * *

_Visitor._ “Your governess seems _very_ good-natured.”

_Lady of the House._ “Yes, poor thing, her father lost a lot of money, so I took her as governess for the children.”

_Visitor._ “Poor, poor thing! Isn’t it terrible how unfortunate some people are!”]

* * * * *

“How kind of you to call--I’m so sorry to have kept you waiting!”

“Oh, don’t mention it--I’ve not been at all bored! I’ve been trying to imagine what I should do to make this room look comfortable if it were mine!”]

* * * * *

* * * * *

“I say, Brown, let’s try and get into the same mourning-coach as Major Bardolph. He always comes out so jolly on these occasions!”]

* * * * *

_Dutiful Nephew._ “Oh, uncle, I thought you wouldn’t mind my bringing my friend Grigg, from our office. He ain’t much to look at, and he can’t dance, and he don’t talk, and he won’t play cards--but he’s _such_ a mimic!! To-morrow he’ll imitate you and Aunt Betsy in a way that’ll make all the fellows _roar_!!!”]

* * * * *

A DRAMA OF THE DRAWING-ROOM.--By means of his face and attitude, Jones flatters himself he can express the deepest interest in the conversation of a _bore_, while in reality his attention is fixed on what is going on in some other part of the room.

Just at present, old Mrs. Marrable is relating to Jones the harrowing details of her late lamented’s last illness--while Captain Spinks is popping the question to Clara Willoughby behind one of Chopin’s Mazurkas--and Jones has no doubt but that his face and attitude are all Mrs. M. could wish.

* * * * *

LONDON IDYLLS.--_Algernon_ (_the heir_). “Awfully kind of Mrs. Masham to give us a lift. But it was rather a squeeze, eh?”

_Jack the Detrimental_ (_his younger brother_). “Yes. By the way, talking of squeezes, it struck me very forcibly, driving along, that you’d got hold of one of Miss Laura Masham’s hands!”

_Algernon._ “Well, you meddling young idiot! what if I _had_?”

_Jack._ “Oh, nothing. Only _I’d got hold of the other_, you know!”

* * * * *

_Host._ “What a smart set of people we’ve got to-night, deary!”

_Hostess._ “Yes. How I wish one of our dear girls would come and sit by us, and tell us who everybody is!”]

* * * * *

“AWFUL” TASTE IN 1875!

SCENE--_A Ball Room. Edwin leads out Angelina as arranged
earlier in the evening, to dance a promised “square.” They walk
through the first figure. A pause._

_Edwin._ Been to the Academy, of course?

_Angelina._ O yes. Been several times. So fond of Miss Thompson’s picture, you know. I like the group of the dying soldier and the boy laughing at having killed a Frenchman, awfully. So awfully clever, you know.

_Edwin._ O awfully! The wounds are so awfully true to nature, you know. Do _we_ begin?

_They walk through the second figure. A pause._

_Edwin._ Been to see Salvini?

_Angelina._ Of course. Isn’t he awfully nice? I think he is perfectly charming in _Othello_. His face quite reminds me, in the Jealousy Scene, of dear Mr. Irving in the last Act of _The Bells_. His suicide at the end of the piece, you know, is really quite too awfully clever. Isn’t it?

_Edwin._ You mean the throat-cutting affair, eh? When he falls on his back and dies quivering, eh? O yes, awfully clever. It’s our turn, I think.

_They walk through the third figure. A pause._

_Edwin._ Read any novels lately?

_Angelina._ Just read an awfully nice book, “The Law and the Lady.” One of the heroes is a monstrosity without legs, Miserrimus Dexter, don’t you know. Awfully clever.

_Edwin._ O yes. Read the book myself. Clever notion, the idiotic man-woman, eh, wasn’t it?

_Angelina._ O yes, awfully good. I think they are waiting for us.

_They walk through the fourth figure. Promenade._

_Edwin._ Did you go to Stafford House to see the coffins?

_Angelina._ O yes, we all went--Mamma, Papa, and the children, don’t you know. Met everybody there. Such an awful crush.

_Edwin._ Like the coffins?

_Angelina._ O so much. They looked awfully nice. So deliciously cool, don’t you know.

_Edwin._ Cool! You like that kind of thing cool, eh?

_Angelina._ Yes, I think so.

_Edwin._ Ah, then you must be against cremation?

_Angelina_ (_hesitating_). Well--yes--perhaps. (_After consideration._) Yes, I think so. Yes, I think I like the baskets best.

[_Fans herself._

_Edwin._ _À propos_--may I get you an ice?

_Angelina._ O, thanks so much. Yes, Grandpapa was awfully delighted with the wicker coffins, and has ordered a couple lined with charcoal, for himself and Grandmamma. I am going to the shop to-morrow to choose them for him. Thanks--strawberry, please.

[_They retire into the Refreshment-room,
with a view to getting cool._

* * * * *

“NOBLESSE OBLIGE.”--_Old Friend._ “Hullo, Dick? How are you? I wish you’d come and dine with me to-night. But now you’re a lord, I suppose I mustn’t call you Dick any longer, or even ask you to dinner?”

_Noble Earl_ (_who has just come into his title_). “Lord be blowed! Lend me a fiver, and you may call me what you like--and I’ll dine with you into the bargain!”

* * * * *

_She_ (_majestically_). “Certainly, with pleasure. _I never let a man down in my life!_”]

* * * * *

_She._ “J-O-N-E-S.”]

* * * * *

Mr. Poffington flatters himself he is creating a sensation. (_Perhaps he is._)]

* * * * *

OUR WHIST PARTY.--_Major MacFlush_ (_at close of rubber, to partner_). “Didn’t ye see me call for trumps?”

_Partner_ (_a new hand_). “You may have called, major, but I never heard you!”

* * * * *

_She._ “I believe you know my neighbours, the Chesterfield Browns?”

_He._ “Haw--well--a--I go to the house, don’tcherknow, and dine with ’em occasionally, and all that--but I’m not on _speaking terms_ with ’em!”]

* * * * *

_He._ “I live in Hill Street. Where do you live?”

_She._ “I live in Hill Street, too.”

_He_ (_greatly delighted to find they have something in common_). “_Really!_” (_After a moment’s hesitation._) “Any particular number?”]

* * * * *

DISTINGUISHED INVALIDS

(_Latest Bulletins_)

[“A person writing to the _Daily Dispatch_ says the Marquess
of Anglesey’s wonderful polyglot parrot is not ill, but on the
contrary was laughing and chatting very heartily on Monday.”]

We are glad to be able to state that Lord Mount Sorrel’s favourite monkey, which has been suffering lately from phlebitis, is well on the way to recovery. No further bulletins will be issued.

The report that Lady Agatha Fitzhunter’s pet pony was confined to the stable with bronchitis is grossly exaggerated. The pony merely complained of being a little horse. The joke, of course, like its maker, was a chestnut.

Mrs. Martin Bradley’s French poodle is rapidly re-covering. It is admitted on all hands, however, that it was a remarkably close shave.

The alarming rumour that Lord Barndore’s famous owl (which had been suffering from insomnia lately) had committed suicide on Tuesday night, is happily contradicted this morning. It appears that the owl had merely left the house for a few hours for a special purpose-to wit, to woo!

Lord Raspberry’s prize turkey, which a short time ago had a painful operation performed on its neck, was able to appear at dinner last night and received a cordial welcome from those present.

The absurd tale that Lady Hopton Wood’s pretty little Manx cat was suffering from diseased liver has no foundation in fact. The liver was perfectly good, and similar to that usually supplied.

* * * * *

A DISTINCTION AND A DIFFERENCE.--_Gorgius Midas Junior (a crack dancer in his own set) gets a card for a dance at Stilton House, and waltzes with Mrs. Ponsonby de Tomkyns, the only lady he knows there, and who has often been his partner under the paternal roof. Proudly conscious of creating a sensation, he is dancing his very best, when_--

_Mrs. Ponsonby de Tomkyns_ (_suddenly_). “We’d better stop, Mr. Midas! This form does very well at Midas Towers, _but it doesn’t do here_!”

[_G. M’s “form,” which is not restricted to himself,
consists in holding his partner like a banjo,
and hopping slowly around her beneath a
chandelier._

* * * * *

[_All we know further is, that about this hour a short
gentleman was seen to leave a house in Gravelotte
Crescent hastily, without his hat, which was thrown
after him!_]

* * * * *

_Hostess._ “I’m afraid we are going to be a very small party to-night. The fog seems to have kept away _all our best people_!”]

* * * * *

_Host._ “Nice party, ain’t it, Major Le Spunger? ’Igh and low, rich and poor,--_most_ people are welcome to _this_ ’ouse! This is ‘Liberty ’All,’ _this_ is! No false pride or ’umbug about _me_! I’m a self-made man, _I_ am!”

_The Major._ “Very nice party, indeed, Mr. Shoddy! How proud your father and mother must feel! Are _they_ here?”

_Host._ “Well, no! ’Ang it all, you know, one _must_ draw the line _somewhere_!”]

* * * * *

A DANCE DIALOGUE

“A smartish affair this,” I said to the little man with the pale-blue eyes, who leant disconsolately against the wall.

He laughed nervously. I felt drawn to him, somehow. He appeared to know no one, and I knew very few intimately, and hadn’t succeeded yet in discovering the host and hostess.

“But I should say,” I went on, drawing inspiration from my new acquaintance’s sympathetic attention, “I should say it cost our host Sir Tumnal Tintz a pretty penny. The champagne is exactly up to par, and no stint.”

“Really, I’m glad to hear you say so.”

“Reassuring, isn’t it?”

From our point of vantage we could command a full view of the ball-room. The melody of the waltz, the perfume, and the frou-frou of Parisian and Viennese confections had lulled the little man into a delicious reverie.

“There,” I said, “you see that old chap who looks as if he had stolen the Eastern Hemisphere and put it under his waistcoat--that explains the fizz!”

My friend looked exceedingly puzzled.

“That’s Gootzegog--the chap who supplied the wine. Oh, everybody knows Sir Tumnal runs things a bit above his income. Lady Tintz has social ambitions. What’s the consequence? Bills are paid by invitations to meet all the exclusive and celebrated, instead of by coin of the realm. Gootzegog accepted with pleasure--on the back of a receipted bill for six dozen ‘bottles of the boy.’”

“Really, this is exceedingly unpl----”

“Social sins,” I said. “You’ll know them all by heart by and by. It’s only a question of time. Now, you see that woman hop-waltzing. There, just passed us, high-pitched voice, pearls----”

“Yes, yes, but----”

“That is Mrs. Grinburger, known in Chatham Street as Juliette & Cie., swagger dressmakers, where Lady Tintz can make up her betting-book, and hedge--by patronising the Grinburger.”

“Upon my word!” in astonishment.

“Scandalous having to meet these people. And that thin woman bare-ly clothed--ha! ha! excuse my little quip.”

“I know----”

“Mdlle. Sembrach--bonnets; supplies the Tintz girls with headgear, and is allowed to pass as a friend of the family because she forgets to send in the bill. Convenient, isn’t it? She looks like making a match--or a breach of promise----”

“It is incredible,” almost vociferated my little friend, whose eyes I was evidently opening as to the ways and means of a certain, or rather uncertain, class of society. “It is incredible,” he said, “that you should tell me all these scandalous tales in the house where you are privileged----”

“Quite so, quite so,” I said, fearing I may have wounded his sensibilities. “One only does this sort of thing when the function is a fizzle. But you appeared to know no one.”

“You appear to know everyone----”

“A good many. Come, let us have a stroll round and try and find the host.”

The little man blinked nervously.

“Have you any idea what the Johnny’s like?” I enquired.

“Exactly like me,” said the little man. “I am Sir Tumnal Tintz!”

* * * * *

_Sir Pompey Bedell._ “Oh--er--Mr. Grigsby, I think! How d’ye do?”

_Grigsby._ “I hope I see you well, Sir Pompey. And next time you give me two fingers, I’m blest if I don’t pull ’em off!”]

* * * * *

_Footinitt_ (_energetically helping at bazaar_). “Won’t you put in for a raffle for this cushion?”

_Visitor._ “Oh, no, thanks.”

_Footinitt._ “Of course it’s rather useless and gaudy, and so forth; and personally I think the design’s rotten. But _do_ put in for it.”

_Visitor._ “No, thanks. I made it!”]

* * * * *

_Mrs. Snobbington._ “We had meant to call long before this, really, but with the best intentions, somehow, we always kept _putting off the evil day_.”]

* * * * *

_First Stranger._ “Here--hi! I want a knife and fork, please!”

_Second Stranger._ “Con-found you--so do I!”]

* * * * *

_Lady of the House._ “So glad, dear. Poor thing, she’s glad to know _anyone_!”]

* * * * *

* * * * *

THE SOCIETY SWEAR

[“Among upper-class women the use of bad language is awful; not
only do elderly dowagers say ‘D--n!’ but girls of seventeen
make use of that deplorable expression.”--_A correspondent to
the Daily Express._]

The age is unmistakably profane;
Morality, like trade, is on the wane:
Of late with most profound regret I’ve heard
How that a certain naughty little word,
Quite impolite, and quite unparliament’ry too,
Once vulgar, now’s affected by the gentry too.

From common oaths my tender spirit shrinks,
I foozle when I hear them on the links;
The cabby’s curse my moral system shocks,
I shudder when I hear it from the box;
But that which on the raw more sorely touches is
The swear that’s used by dowagers and duchesses.

When in the case of nobly-bred adults
Age and experience yield these sad results,
What wonder if their daughters (pretty lambs!)
Indulge at times in copying their dams?
(A “play ’po’ words” which serves to render printable
That which, writ otherwise, would be but hintable.)

Is this profanity a passing phase
Like Pigs-in-clover, or the Ping-pong craze?
Will it revert to “Goodness me!” or “Blow!”?
I cannot tell you, for I do not know;
This I do know: a nation grave disaster risks
That lets its women talk in ----s and * * *

* * * * *

* * * * *

“READY! AYE READY!”--_Mrs. Ponsonby de Tomkyns._ “That lady was evidently intended by nature for a _Chinese_, Sir Charles! I wonder who she can be?”

_Sir Charles._ “She happens to be my sister, Lady Plantagenet de la Zouche. May I ask _why_ you think nature intended her for a _Chinese_?”

_Mrs. P. de T._ (_equal, as usual, to the emergency_). “She struck me as having such _exquisitely small feet_!”

* * * * *

DREADFUL STATE OF AFFAIRS AT MARKET HARBOROUGH.--_Lord Charles Highflyer_ (_despondently_). “There’s too much frost to hunt, and not enough ice to skate; all the horses are coughing; the gov’nor writes to say that he’s going to endow a new church; Bingo wires that all seats are booked for a fortnight at any theatre worth going to; Fanny Canterly is engaged to that ass Blinkers; I’ve a bill overdue on Tuesday; Hummingbirdie Belleville threatens an action for breach of promise; Aunt Genista hasn’t weighed in as usual; and some idiot has sent me a card with a robin on it, wishing me ‘All the Compliments of the Season!’”

* * * * *

_Bobby Short._ “I say--I can’t find my partner, Miss Wilson! Have you seen her?”

_Tommy Long._ “Don’t know her by sight, even! But, if you like, I’ll lift you up, and you can hunt for yourself!”]

* * * * *

_Sir John._ “Thanks--thanks! By the way, let me assure you I’ve only got _one_,--and----”

[_Thinks that the remainder of the sentence is
“better understood than expressed.”_]

* * * * *

_Bore._ “I think I’ll take a little something just before I go.”

_Lady of the House._ “Oh, then, _do_ have it now!”]

* * * * *

_Sturdy Briton._ “It’s all very well to turn up your nose at _your own_ beggarly Counts and Barons, Mossoo. But you can’t find fault with _our_ nobility! Take a man like our Dook o’ Bayswater, now! Why, he could buy up your foreign Dukes and Princes by the dozen! and as for you and me, he’d look upon us as so much dirt beneath his feet! Now, that’s something _like_ a nobleman, _that_ is! That’s a kind o’ nobleman that I, as an Englishman, feel as I’ve got some right to be _proud_ of!”]

* * * * *

“Didn’t I send ’im to Heton an’ Hoxford? Didn’t I send ’im into the Harmy, along o’ some o’ the biggest nobs in all Hengland, with an allowance fit for a young Hearl? And what’s the hupshot of it all? Why, he gives dinners to Dooks and Royal ’Ighnesses, an’ don’t even harsk ’is pore old father to meet ’em. ’Ighnesses, indeed! I could buy up the ’ole blessed lot! And, _what’s more, I wouldn’t mind tellin’ ’em so to their faces, for two pins!--Ah! just as soon as look at em--and ’e knows it!_”]

* * * * *

ROBERT’S ROMANCE

I have been so bothered for coppys of my Romanse, as I read at
the Cook’s Swarry some time back, that I have detummined to
publish it, and here it is. In coarse, all rites is reserved.

ROBERT.

THE MYSTERY OF MAY FARE

(BY ONE BEHIND THE SEENS)